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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]carouselunicorn 1046 points1047 points ago

Ingesting salt water gives dogs epic diarrhea, but I'm guessing you figured that one out already.

[–]roeder 1441 points1442 points ago

I found out about that after taking my, at that time, 2-year old lab retriever to the beach a warm summer day to cool off. When I was driving home my dog was lying on a blanket at the backseat when suddenly she jumped up and a watercannon of saltwater/shit was sprouting everywhere in the car. Literally everywhere. And her first reaction to her virginity-diarrhea was being super afraid and jumping up in my lap while I was driving the car. I was forced to have a dog, for 1 minute, shitting all over me while I was driving to the nearest stop.

And if that wasn't enough - when I finally managed to get my dog out of the car (myself included) she was done crapping. She was pretty embarrassed obviously, so I just tried to comfort her as good as I could with shit all over. It was roughly 35 degrees, and the car was hellish warm, but I was forced to drive the next 20 minutes home covered in crap-saltwater with a dog on the backseat.

[–]RandomMandarin 301 points302 points ago

MY ASS! I'VE LOST ASS CONTROL!

WHAT DO?

[–]I_make_things 34 points35 points ago

I would like to purchase this on a tee shirt please.

[–]jxj24 8 points9 points ago

YES THIS IS DIARRHEA

[–]DarkStorm_ 4 points5 points ago

No, this is Patrick.

[–]Yoyo8 132 points133 points ago

She was embarrassed and you comfort her...you sir are a great man.

[–]pifarm 777 points778 points ago

Thats it, I'm never getting a dog

[–][deleted] 376 points377 points ago

you can get a dog, just don't take it to the beach.

[–]Ze_Carioca 460 points461 points ago

That dog just ruined the whole ocean for everyone.

[–]Maxfunky 171 points172 points ago

Ok. Everyone out of the ocean. We've got to drain this thing, disinfect it, and then refill it. It's gonna take hours. I hope you're happy with yourself.

[–]MD3791 73 points74 points ago

It's just a Baby Ruth!

[–]didshereallysaythat 16 points17 points ago

Pssh.

Us lifeguards will close it for seeing an almond.

[–]bigroblee 206 points207 points ago

Apparently you don't know what fish do in water.

[–]Ze_Carioca 128 points129 points ago

Turn into goldfish?

[–]ConstipatedNinja 27 points28 points ago

Or worse, silverfish.

[–]JollyWalrus 7 points8 points ago

Fuck you.

[–]ChronicMasterBaker 46 points47 points ago*

Is that water?! I never drink that stuff; fish shit in it. Fish shit in it.

REGGIIIEEEEE

[–]redstormpopcorn 54 points55 points ago

Fish fuck in it.

[–]Thorbinator 19 points20 points ago

A large amount of immobile sea animals just simply release their gametes into it and hope the sperm run into a compatible egg.

TL;DR: You're drinking kelp and sponge ejaculate.

[–]midbc 18 points19 points ago

you drink sea water?

[–]meancommentredditor 16 points17 points ago

Dolphins rape you in it!

[–]DimitriK 14 points15 points ago

Every factory in the world shits in it..

[–]cakey138 32 points33 points ago

Reminds me of an episode of salute your shorts were budnick made his friends fill up a swimming pool bucket by bucket. When asked why he didn't just use the lake he replied "cause fish fart in it"

[–]THIS_WEEKS_BLOWJOB 4 points5 points ago

Why only 2 seasons? Why?

[–]toad2711 5 points6 points ago

Came in here expecting this Archer reference and I leave fulfilled. Thank you ChronicMasterBaker

[–]Breathing_Balls 4 points5 points ago

That's the last time I fuck in surf, finished.

[–]carbonxe 45 points46 points ago

Ever see how much sperm comes out of a whale when it blows its load? Hundreds of gallons of jizz. There are many whales in the ocean. They jizz quite often.

And people always wondered why the oceans were so salty...

[–]Ze_Carioca 53 points54 points ago

So if a woman goes swimming in the ocean there is a good chance they will get pregnant from a whale?

[–]mra99 88 points89 points ago

My wife did.

[–]rabidsi 158 points159 points ago

Interspecies breeding is a myth. The only thing a whale can get pregnant is another wh-

Oh.

[–]mra99 44 points45 points ago

[–]whale_of_disapproval 55 points56 points ago

      .-'
 '--./ /     _.---.
 '-,  (__..-`       \
    \          ಠ     |
     `,.__.   ,__.--/
       '._/_.'___.-`

[–]Nuggetized 13 points14 points ago

Didn't you ever wonder why Mr. Krabs has a whale for a daughter?

[–]Luke90 5 points6 points ago

Taught sex-ed to my science class, this got brought up as a genuine concern!

[–]iamrory 3 points4 points ago

I love that there are nerds out there willing to do the math.

tl;dr there's actually disappointing amount of whale jizz in the oceans. :[

[–]youjusreadmyusername 1 point2 points ago

And keep the salt water out of reach.

[–]dejayskrlx 1 point2 points ago

Or you could, like, keep it in the trunk if it's large enough.

[–]CharlesDeBalles 15 points16 points ago

I get that this is probably a joke, but, dude, getting a dog is fucking worth it. It's like having a freakin adorable best friend who's always happy to see you and is loyal no matter what.

[–]Ultragrrrl 64 points65 points ago

Where's shitty_watercolour when you need him?

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago*

At least she had the decency to be embarrassed.

[–]rebelpride 40 points41 points ago

Sympathy upvote

[–]iMakeChickenNoises 12 points13 points ago

Oh gods. I found that story so cute. I'm so sorry

[–]fischestix 17 points18 points ago

Could you please print this and post it a pet stores... so people stop buying dogs they really don't want.... If you still want a dog after picturing this... go for it. Epic story....

[–]ambushka 14 points15 points ago

Oh god, that story. Once my hungarian Vizsla crap herself a little in my car and I thought it was bad, but this...

[–]BossAlbatross 25 points26 points ago

Is 'Vizsla' hungarian for 'grandmother' ?

[–]ambushka 13 points14 points ago

Only if your grandmother looks like this. (My Vizsla when she was 3 months old)

[–]bufanog1104 5 points6 points ago

Aww! What a pretty baby!

[–]doctorgirlfriend84 2 points3 points ago

That was heavenly.

[–]star_witness 7 points8 points ago

This is the best bad thing I've read on reddit in a long time.

Horrifyingly hilarious.

[–]ryan2318 1 point2 points ago

I laughed so hard that I cried reading your story. The imagery was something else.

[–]GunHungLo 2 points3 points ago

good times

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

I went to post this on /r/bestof, only to find out two others have already done it. Congrats.

[–]drunken1 2 points3 points ago

Did you get in trouble when you fire bombed your own car afterwards?

[–]roeder 2 points3 points ago

I took it out to the least populated car-cleaning service, and I went on it for I'd say 2 hours with water and soap (and dignity).

I tried to stay as subtle as I could, because if I met anyone I knew.. I'd probably be the owner of a less attractive nickname.

[–]Clairvoyanttruth 15 points16 points ago

Tagged as "Dog Diarrhea Driver" in olive color. It may mean nothing to you, but your misfortune has brought a smile on many people's faces.

[–]RubeusShagrid 1 point2 points ago

This makes me glad that the nearest salt water mass is over 12 hours away.

[–]austinmo2 1 point2 points ago

That's love

[–]Corvus133 1 point2 points ago

Thinking about getting a dog . . . . processing . . . . Not sure if this story deters me or not

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

i rarely 'lol.' but you sir, made me 'lol.'

[–]heyschmexy 1 point2 points ago

im glad to know my lab isn't the only one this happened to. mine walked into someone's yard on the beach, squatted, and let forth a fire hose of diarrhea.. then continued to leak water and bits of partially digested dog food all over the beach. guess where SHE'S never going again...

[–]maxxspeed 1 point2 points ago

All hail St. roeder.

[–]sjuskadur 1 point2 points ago

One question. How did you know it was salt water mixed with the shit ? all i can assume is that there is not visible difference between normal mad diarrhea and super salty ocean one......... maybe the taste but.. well

[–]StoryGopher 1 point2 points ago

And then you took your car to suds and payed for some slightly above minimum wage teenagers to shampoo your car mats.

[–]Benevolent_Overlord 1 point2 points ago

35 degrees... warm summer day. Must not be from America.

[–]mrturdferguson 1 point2 points ago

"...to the beach a warm summer day... It was roughly 35 degrees..."

What?

[–]Grimsterr 1 point2 points ago

IT'S BAD, MMKAY?

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]zombiebunnie 5 points6 points ago

Not just dogs, should look into this thing called the "Master Cleanse"

[–]Kenster180 3 points4 points ago

Weird, I've never heard or experienced that before! I live near the west coast so we always took our dogs to the ocean and thats never happened.

[–]Bitter_Idealist 6 points7 points ago

I have three dogs that I take to the beach and only one of them, my heeler, drinks the salt water and barfs/shits it out. Maybe it's a heeler thing.

[–]Kryptus 1 point2 points ago

"See how good he mind me." "Oh Jobie no!!!"

[–]DropAdigit 1 point2 points ago

maybe shitting in the water is instinctual; I only base this on anecdotal evidence of watching stray dogs on every beach in thailand wading mid fore-foot deep into the water to dookie. very scientific.

[–]westernbacon 153 points154 points ago

ah joby no!

[–]mumbling2myself 40 points41 points ago

Glad to see that reference here, shocked it's so low.

[–]SeriouslyTrustMe 3 points4 points ago

That's the nastiest thang!

[–]RomanNoodleLegs 167 points168 points ago

I can't tell if he's banging seaweed or just had massive ass-plosion.

[–]gsfgf 112 points113 points ago

ass-plosion

[–]CMRD 304 points305 points ago

Oh hey massive shit pool heading my way, time for a picture!

[–]mustardjones 118 points119 points ago

but, but, karma!

[–]DepressedRacoon 435 points436 points ago

butt karma

[–]mustardjones 91 points92 points ago

this comment will overtake my comment like a tidal wave of dog shit.

[–]NoobisPrime 47 points48 points ago

If that was supposed to be a pun. It was a shitty one.

[–]boatmurdered 17 points18 points ago

We've really given up trying, haven't we?

[–]whiskeytango55 4 points5 points ago

on a wave of poo-tilation
wave of poo-tilation

[–]ammolite 188 points189 points ago

Take that, nature.

[–]ChronicMasterBaker 103 points104 points ago

signed, nature

[–]DoublePersonality 21 points22 points ago

That is nature . What do you think fish do ? Go to a toilet ?

[–]boatmurdered 37 points38 points ago

We do it too. We're just so lazy that we shit in our homes and have it transported there.

[–]blomst32 23 points24 points ago

They don't?

[–]aliuy 111 points112 points ago

[–]vikilicous 38 points39 points ago

The first time my dog had a good swim in the ocean, he got out about twenty minutes later, looking really sorry for himself, then he proceeded to spray salt water out his butt onto my dad.

[–]aznman559 33 points34 points ago

I was kennel training my dog, and one day I wake up to find shit all over my living room. My dog had explosive diarrhea, but he managed to somehow stick his ass out of the kennel and shit all over the floor. None of it was in his cage.

[–]Enriock 29 points30 points ago

JOBY! WHAT'RE YOU DOING BOYYYY?!

[–]GregPatrick 222 points223 points ago

To be fair, I still do that every time I go to the ocean.

[–]cydril 201 points202 points ago

Take a giant, watery dump?

[–]Real-Life-Reddit 134 points135 points ago

yes.

[–][deleted] 37 points38 points ago

I always thought it was protocol.

[–]SumDudeInNYC 51 points52 points ago

"How do you flush this thing?"

[–]LogicalWhiteKnight 24 points25 points ago

That's what the moon is for.

[–]superkidney 3 points4 points ago

"Toilets flush, then fill back up. You can't explain that."

[–]tacoliquor 3 points4 points ago

The ocean's one big toilet

[–]Rainbowlemon 4 points5 points ago

"This toilet paper's kinda' slimey"

[–]Whytiederp 1 point2 points ago

The technical term in Australia is aquadump

[–]mxchickmagnet86 30 points31 points ago

if it fits, I shits

[–]random314 1 point2 points ago

I did that while scuba diving once... I had to go real bad.

[–]GunHungLo 1 point2 points ago

[–]windfall259 1 point2 points ago

Kind of difficult to do in cold water. I'm impressed.

[–]LadyPterodactyl 147 points148 points ago

[–]White_Luigi 11 points12 points ago

That is one of my favorite videos of all time. I call my friend Joe, "JOBY!!!"

[–]KWiP1123 15 points16 points ago

dafuq did I just watch?

[–]Calverticus 21 points22 points ago

A wholesome Floridian accent narrating his canine's actions with hope and shame.

[–]ghost_victim 7 points8 points ago

Do people actually talk like that? Or is it fake.

[–]-artgeek- 9 points10 points ago

As a Floridian, I can honestly say that 'round here only black people talk like that.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

As a Floridian who has been in Tallahassee for the past 5 years, I disagree.

[–]InvadeHerKim 4 points5 points ago

Yes, yes. I was going to post this if no one had. Makes me laugh my ass literally OFF every time. Yes my ass falls off, with laughter.

[–]Golisten2LennyWhite 1 point2 points ago

Crank dat car I'm not taking that shitty dog home with me!

[–]bowchickahonkhonk 1 point2 points ago

Was waiting for it, then it just got better!

[–]James718 42 points43 points ago

Nice ocean..... for me to poop on!

[–]pseudolobster 53 points54 points ago

That doesn't look healthy.

[–]Creepy_Spider 45 points46 points ago

Where's shittywatercolour when you need him...

[–]seaners111[!] 11 points12 points ago

Have you had him on an exclusive diet of glow sticks?

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]helpmesleep666 51 points52 points ago

Oh fresh clean water? Let me shit in it.

[–]machzel08 47 points48 points ago

Kind of like a toilet...

[–]toinfinitiandbeyond 26 points27 points ago

That's why I only drink Brawndo®

[–]helpmesleep666 19 points20 points ago

[–]automated_bot 8 points9 points ago

It has what plants crave!

[–]Szarkan- 5 points6 points ago

it has electrolytes

[–]BunsTown 4 points5 points ago

I never knew there was an Idiocracy food pyramid. Where did this come from?

[–]SlasherX 3 points4 points ago

The movie itself.

[–]dododododomanamana 60 points61 points ago

I thought for a second I could actually smell the dog's shit. But then I realized my roomate farted :/

[–]CrossedQuills 43 points44 points ago

Doggy doesn't care. Doggy doesn't give a sh... Oh.

[–]FamooseMoose 8 points9 points ago

Blue heelers are awesome :D

[–][deleted] 75 points76 points ago

[–]Dr_Zoidberg_the_3rd 85 points86 points ago

I don't want to click a link that is relevant to a dog taking a watery shit in the ocean.

[–]Brutal99 42 points43 points ago

Don't worry, It's safe.

[–]evoim3 17 points18 points ago

"I need water!"

"You're surrounded by it!"

"Vitamin Water goddamnit."

[–]BoxMonster44 13 points14 points ago

That is one ugly-ass dog.

[–]Teemo_Commander 22 points23 points ago

Quite an ugly ass-dog

[–]theaaronp 6 points7 points ago

That's ink right? Like Octopus have, so they can make a getaway. He's inking right now, it's a defense thing.

[–]mra99 8 points9 points ago

WELP, EVERYONE OUT OF THE FUCKING WATER, WE HAVE TO CLOSE THE OCEAN AGAIN!

Do you know how much time, money, and sweat it takes us to drain the ocean and remove the shit?

[–]Woodshadow 7 points8 points ago

my ferret hates water. he takes a dump as soon as he is put in the tub. every time. even if he already went

[–]Blastmagnet 11 points12 points ago

upvote for ACD

[–]DarthSatoris 69 points70 points ago

[–]runswithcoyotes 5 points6 points ago

Saying "to be honest with you" infers you might be lying every other time you speak. The more you know!

[–]narwhalslut 19 points20 points ago

That is not at all how you use the words "infers". Maybe you meant "implies".

[–]mamakbear 5 points6 points ago

What was he drinking...an asparagus smoothie?

[–]hutch2828 5 points6 points ago

Aww JOBY!!!

[–]Revolutionary2012 20 points21 points ago

It sort of looks like he is fucking sponge bob.

[–]ZaneBarrow 7 points8 points ago

"I WILL SHIT WHEREVER I DAMN WELL PLEEEEEEEEASE!"

[–]bluemoonraccoon 3 points4 points ago

Oh, Jobeh.

[–]nastshabast 2 points3 points ago

Awwww, he thinks it's Lake Superior.

[–]lehmanbp 2 points3 points ago

Watch out for loose seal!

[–]DrNewton 2 points3 points ago

Is that a blue heeler? Wicked smart dogs.

[–]cat_toe_marmont 2 points3 points ago

This is the perfect contribution to the "blah blah first time seeing the ocean blah blah". You sir, get an up vote for showing how dogs will be dogs.

[–]EchoSolo 2 points3 points ago

Damn, looks like his liver and kidneys may be failing!!! That is terrible color unless you've given him a pot of coffee!

[–]mikeinmiami 2 points3 points ago

I thought he was humping something

[–]HeyCarpy 2 points3 points ago

Vile.

Hilarious.

Vilarious.

[–]holysocks 2 points3 points ago

Once on the beaches of Koh Samet, there was a crazy street dog. It loves chasing us around and would gobble up wet beach sand if we threw lumps of it at the dog. It was all fun and games until it crouched over and sprayed a massive dose of liquid diarrhea over the beach.

[–]The_Bazzalisk 1 point2 points ago

Does your dog piss chlorine?

[–]Banaam 1 point2 points ago

Shark sugar!

[–]TommyK0NG 1 point2 points ago

He looks relieved. I like feeling that.

[–]rebelpride 1 point2 points ago

Congratulations. You just moved your entire ocean to the Gulf of Mexico!

[–]erjroy 1 point2 points ago

That is a relatively calm ocean.

[–]beardedjack 1 point2 points ago

I aint bringin' no shitty dowg home wit me!

[–]hipcatcoolcap 1 point2 points ago

marking the whole ocean as his.

[–]MJZMan 1 point2 points ago

Ocean? Yes, I like ocean. Ocean is good.

FOR ME TO POOP ON!

[–]stillhasmuchness 1 point2 points ago

[–]WoodsmansBriar 1 point2 points ago

Your dog owns the ocean now.

[–]MrMonkfred 1 point2 points ago

Well that's just great, now none of us can go in the sea anymore! Thanks a lot op!

[–]ShitBabyPiss 1 point2 points ago

How old is your Blue Heeler? I have 2 they are almost 4.

[–]aykon 1 point2 points ago

'Took my dog to the ocean for the first time, this is the best pic I took.'

[–]QuackWare 1 point2 points ago

Seems pretty standard for an Australian Cattle Dog.

[–]carbonxe 1 point2 points ago

It's a good thing it doesn't look like that whenever I pee in the ocean.

[–]castsnoshadows 1 point2 points ago

first time i found myself on a private beach alone i went in and took a movement while i was just deep enough to sit down and have the waves lap up against my chest. was one of the nicest turds i ever left. it was just after dawn too.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

Good dog.

I love Australian Cattle Dogs!

[–]skevorke 1 point2 points ago

this look an awful lot like a lake

[–]akunze64[!] 1 point2 points ago

[–]The_Orville_Brothers 1 point2 points ago

you have no idea how long he's been wanting to do this.

[–]Fap_Slap 1 point2 points ago

[–]Thats_Not_Creepy 1 point2 points ago

Ocean?

Mark it as my territory.

[–]ayooooo 1 point2 points ago

[–]PagingDoctorLove 1 point2 points ago

Well... that's burned into my brain forever. Now every time I go in the ocean I'll immediately think, "dog shit..."

[–]YOU_CAN_CUNT_ON_ME 1 point2 points ago

I think your dog is dehydrated.

[–]boh3m3 1 point2 points ago

[–]AnonymousRev 1 point2 points ago

That is a nice Ocean. FOR ME TO POOP ON

[–]PalmelaHanderson 1 point2 points ago

I hope you brought your bag...

[–]Lake_IX 1 point2 points ago

That looks way more like a lake than it does an ocean. where the waves at yo?

[–]jakedemian 1 point2 points ago

I thought he was humping algae or something.

[–]Diabeteslol 1 point2 points ago

I'd like to imagine he's saying, "MY OCEAN!" and claiming all of it for himself.

[–]Dcoil1 1 point2 points ago

Dude, your dog is simply enjoying a freshly washed asshole for the first time in it's life. Sure, they can lick them clean, but would you want to tongue shit off your asshole daily? Imagine never being able to wipe your ass your entire life and suddenly you're given a bidet.

[–]matari 1 point2 points ago

aaaaand cross another off the bucket-list

[–]Aseconverse 1 point2 points ago

The ocean is now his territory.

[–]mattuna 1 point2 points ago

thats his ocean now

[–]Tac0_Suprem3 1 point2 points ago

Dat face of satisfaction.

[–]butterflypoon 1 point2 points ago

Not sure if humping or pooping...