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681
682

scumbag Edward Cullen (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by sassybananas

all 167 comments
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[–]windowpuncher 48 points49 points ago

Why fucking high school?

[–]nj12 34 points35 points ago

Gee, I can't wait till I go to hike school.

[–]bmfa02 17 points18 points ago

stay here...stay here as long as you can...

[–]hospitalvespers 4 points5 points ago

gross kid's face flapping sound

[–]nubzore 0 points1 point ago

Stay here where its safe!0_0!

[–]caseyjhol 1 point2 points ago

LADY, YOU'RE SCARIN' US!

[–]mclellac[!] 12 points13 points ago

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

[–]DoWhile 16 points17 points ago

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I stay the same age, they stay the same age."

FTFY

[–]Banshee90 1 point2 points ago

Yes they do

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points ago*

They say it's because the younger the kids pretend to be, the longer the family can remain in one place before it's weird for them to live together. They go through college, the couples remarry, and then they even live separately sometimes before moving on and starting at a new place.

Edit: I probably should mention that I hate Twilight. I babysat for a blind girl last summer, read her every book twice. No regrets, she was thrilled to go back to school and gossip about Edward Cullen.

[–]obliterationn 11 points12 points ago

I would've just gotten her the audiobooks and a mp3 player :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

Family wasn't well off and my aunt had gotten me the books for christmas because "all teen girls are reading twilight!" lol it was just easier. but yeah now I have an extensive knowledge of Twilight. ugh.

[–]Blamemeta 29 points30 points ago

What would you have done in his place? Exactly.

[–]LORDJEW_VAN_CUNTFUCK 17 points18 points ago

Probably go to university a billion times while seducing 17 year old girls. At least that way I can move on to different topics and collect diplomas and greater knowledge.

[–]ChaosDesigned 5 points6 points ago

Become a fucking superhero or super villian. I dunno yet.

Edit: and bang 17 year old girls.

[–]Cyberslasher 14 points15 points ago

Seduce a 17 year old girl, not some old, ugly 19 year old. IT AIN'T PEDOPHILIA IF YOU'RE 17 FOREVER!

[–]DeSanti 1 point2 points ago

I can with overwhelming confidence tell you that I would never, ever considering doing what he's been doing in those movies/books if I was an immortal vampire.

[–]Blamemeta 0 points1 point ago

But you are talking about it, which means you already thought about it.

[–]Renmauzuo 39 points40 points ago

Scumbag redditor: Complains that Edward Cullen didn't cure cancer. Spends time on Reddit instead of curing cancer.

[–]samebudalenaRedditu -1 points0 points ago

What if he spends 15 minutes each day on Reddit to relax after long hours spent in the lab researching a cure for cancer?

Don't be too quick to make assumptions. I'm pretty sure A LOT of people on Reddit are quite successful and do a bunch of other stuff besides this. Spending your spare time online doesn't rule out being well off and contributing to society in any way whatsoever.

[–]Gorignak 7 points8 points ago

Nice try, basement dweller.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Nlelith 4 points5 points ago

Close tab

http://

...

http://redd -

FUCK!

[–]upvoteCity 1 point2 points ago

Dude, use the HOSTS file dude to localhost this site. Harder to get too. That's what I di... oh bollocks!

[–]ZeroAccountability 108 points109 points ago

Being immortal doesn't make you smarter...scientists have the same access to all the knowledge that he would.

[–]Kiyosal 85 points86 points ago

The book, however, claims he is ridiculously smart and rich.

[–]ZeroAccountability 21 points22 points ago

Regardless, I don't think it's a lack of intelligence or funding that's stopping cancer researchers from finding an encompassing cure.

[–]ShaolinSlamma 38 points39 points ago

Time is always a factor, Cancer research has come very far in the past 10 years even, and if you didnt have to sleep or yah know didnt grow old and die im sure you could figure some shit out a little quicker than a doctor that works a 9-5.

[–]Ringmaster324 8 points9 points ago

The field is so broad that its impossible for one person to understand it all. Cancer is a very complicated disease.

[–]W357Y 5 points6 points ago

The field is so broad that its impossible for one person to understand it all.

Not even if you studied it for thousands of years? Surly if one were immortal they could come to understand everything there is to understand about cancer.

[–]buyacasha 3 points4 points ago

As soon as he'd have studied everything, the whole field would have changed and he would need to start all over again. There are thousands and thousands of researchers in that area. Honestly, an additional one is probably not going to make a big difference, even if he's immortal.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

Why would he care so much about cancer exactly? I know the people who pursue it love the research, however why should vampires suddenly have to become doctors? Just because someone is smart doesn't mean that any one field is where they must go.

[–]W357Y 1 point2 points ago

I never said he should, nor did I say he is morally obliged to.

[–]Buttered_Penis 4 points5 points ago

You wouldn't be able to retain everything. After a while you forget things you've learned. That's what "Are you smarter than a 5th grader" is built on. 5th graders aren't smarter than the adults, they just learned the stuff on the show recently.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

I'm still pretty those 5th graders are smarter than some of those adults

[–]Buttered_Penis 4 points5 points ago

Some, yes. But there are a lot of smart people on that show that still don't do well.

[–]fucking_leverpostej 0 points1 point ago

About anything, really.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

Well its a good thing there is a family of the selfish bastards then, eh?

[–]SirSandGoblin 0 points1 point ago

i'm almost certain that more time would help work out a cure

[–]dont_press_ctrl-W 1 point2 points ago

The OP threw cancer research as one possibility, but the central point is: there's so much more you can do with immortality than going to highschool over and over again. Perfecting your knowledge of a particular science would be a possibility. Or learning the basics of many fields. Or reading great literature. Eternal highschool would be hell: same basic content over and over again, surrounded by dumb kids who don't understand most of it and can't entertain an interesting conversation on any subject.

[–]BlamesRapMusic 1 point2 points ago

I thought his "dad" has been working on curing it.

[–]kolm 1 point2 points ago

It also claims that this love story is gripping.

[–]JustToUpvoteYou 18 points19 points ago

As one of my favourite movies says:

Living 14,000 years didn't make me a genius, I just had time.

The Man From Earth

Music with the quote

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Deku-shrub 1 point2 points ago

< downloads it >

[–]Alexander_Snow 1 point2 points ago

Have fun, awesome movie.

[–]EFG 6 points7 points ago

One of my favorite movies ever.

[–]ZeroAccountability 1 point2 points ago

It actually made me think of this too, such a good freaking movie.

[–]LORDJEW_VAN_CUNTFUCK 11 points12 points ago

Except, of course, being smart has a lot to do with education, effort, and time, and considering he has an infinite amount of the last one he could surpass the intelligence and knowledge of scientists living today.

[–]Rhoe 2 points3 points ago

Well his original education was during the first world war, broken up by him dying of polio/TB.

Maybe he's been trying to go back and get his high school diploma for like a hundred years.

[–]johnylaw 5 points6 points ago

He's like 100 years old, most of that time was without modern technology and knowledge. When he was born humans didn't even have penicillin. So his age is irrelevant.

[–]LORDJEW_VAN_CUNTFUCK 1 point2 points ago

I don't understand the point you're trying to make. If he was studying for the past 100 years, he'd be on the level of most scientists today (or higher), and he's got centuries more to continue studying and improving.

[–]johnylaw 6 points7 points ago

Okay, I got this:

The highest he could ever achieve is the current maximum. He's permanently 17 years old, with makeup and disguise he could pull off mid-late 20's. Okay so he's in 1970 and goes to grad school to learn the most advanced biology, then he does research for a couple years. He's the best in the field, and discovers lots of cool shit. But then he has to fake his death or something.

Then he has to wait 5-10 years so it isn't recognizable that he's the same person. It's 1985 and most of what he learned last time is obsolete. Did you know ulcers are caused by bacteria, not stress? So he's on top of the game for awhile, then he has to die again.

Now it's 2003. Grad school again, Wow! they cloned a sheep, and sequined the human genome! Nearly everything he learned in the '80s is obsolete, or wrong. The immortal man is still only at the level of everyone else. Genetics, research as a whole, isn't a solo game. Even if you're great you're still at the same level as the rest of the field. And if you're a vampire trying to stay ambiguous you'll have to start over from the beginning constantly.

Edit: In future centuries, he'll still only be at the level of the current humans.

[–]LORDJEW_VAN_CUNTFUCK 0 points1 point ago

Wow, you put a lot of effort in trying to prove me wrong but everything you said were basically just assumptions. He has to go in to hiding and stop learning for 5-10 years regularly? All of his prior experience is useless in the modern era? Really? That's like saying that Einstein wouldn't have any advantage if he was revived today. He'd just have to start completely afresh, right?

Every time Edward starts at a new university, he'd be levels above. It's not like he'd need to start from the start each time. He'd take the next step up, and learn that. By the time the people who will become today's scientists are born, Edward could've been studying for decades and have a huge advantage over them. Assuming he continues his education, there's no way any of them could catch up.

He could be learning, studying, researching for 100's of years to come whereas everybody else has to start from a fresh slate and only have 80 years to accomplish their goals. He has eternity.

The point is that he has the potential to do more than any human alive, but instead he is spending his time in highschool doing the same classes over and over.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

It might not necessarily make him smarter but assuming he wouldn't be overwhelmed with information and he maintained his mental acuity he could surely have a great potential to develop unparalleled expertise in a given field. Although sometimes a fresh perspective is what is needed to create a breakthrough in research....

[–]the_raptor 2 points3 points ago

scientists have the same access to all the knowledge that he would.

No they don't. It has become impossible for a single scientist to keep up with the knowledge of anything but a sub-field of a sub-field in a single human life span. This means that it is often by accident that the two or more people with the correct knowledge get together and realise that by combining their knowledge they can solve a problem that both were stuck on.

And when a scientist dies much of their knowledge and experience dies with them as they didn't have time to communicate it in papers or to enough grad students.

[–]johnylaw 0 points1 point ago

Research isn't a solo task, and a vampire couldn't work with people well. Also most of his life was spent without computers and modern technology, so his age is mostly irreverent, someone who's 40 would have just as much time to work towards a cure for cancer.

Edit: I'm aware this image was made for comedic purposes.

[–]Rosetti 0 points1 point ago

Also, we need cancer for population control.

[–]Rixxer 0 points1 point ago

Given an infinite amount of time, one can do anything that's physically possible. Besides, he's not even fucking trying.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

Scientists don't have 100 years to study every piece of research in existence..

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points ago

spends time on repost, could have spent time on new post.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

As much as I despise Twilight, I feel it may be worth pointing out that his "father" (creator) overcame the addiction to blood in order to be a doctor and save lives. He found Edward dying of Spanish Influenza. Also, it is explained that the younger the kids claim to be, the longer the family can stay in one place... and therefore the longer the Carlisle (the dad) can work in one hospital.

Despite this, I agree with the point. They should all be doing something useful. Alice can see the damn future and their regular use for this is to predict the stock market so they can all stay rich. The others don't work, though apparently they do attend college. But really, they should be doing rescue work or something- at least at night.

Please don't hate me for knowing this, just trying to contribute :)

[–]johnylaw 3 points4 points ago

I think you're wrong about helping people. They're immortal vampires, why should they try to help humans? I think being immortal, and everyone you love being immortal, would change priorities.

I possess the ability to make a fishes life very good, but I don't, I spent my time getting as much pleasure I can. If I saw a fish flopping around on the shore, I'd give it a shove back in the water, but I wouldn't seek out fish to help.

Not a perfect comparison, but I think the essence is the same.

[–]LORDJEW_VAN_CUNTFUCK 0 points1 point ago

Except if that breed of fish became extinct, we only lose fish, if humans become extinct they lose society, inventions, and progress.

Basically, they are just as much a part of humanity as humans so helping is in their common interest.

[–]eloisekelly 0 points1 point ago

Why can't Jasper go to a fucking paediatric burn ward or something and cheer all the kids up? I'm pretty sure he's the one who can influence emotions and shit.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

Exactly! They're all super strong, Emmett especially- they could rescue coal miners from collapsed shafts and save people from burning buildings! All they use Jasper for is scaring the shit out of a shady lawyer to get fake IDs and stuff.

I'm coming to realize that this is a family of potential super heroes that Stephenie Meyer wrote off as screwing with the economy, fucking each other all night, and going through a highschool to early 20's time period on an infinite loop. yeesh.

[–]eloisekelly 0 points1 point ago

And considering they're super fast it's not like they would risk exposure. Schizophrenia diagnoses might go up though.
Fucking hell, Stephenie. Get your shit together.

[–]Garrehn 9 points10 points ago

He isn't a real person, so why does it matter if he cures cancer?

[–]cyberneticmonkey 8 points9 points ago

http://i.imgur.com/U6ALZ.jpg

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]wonderfullyfantastic 7 points8 points ago

Masturbation Calculator:

  • born June 20, 1901 = 110 years old (up to 2011, before he found the emotionless fuck doll)
  • start at 13 (1914) = 97 years of activity
  • assume 4 times a week (rough estimate based on personal experiences)
  • assume 2.5 mL source (not really credible but whatever)

52 x 4 = 208 times a year (roughly)

208*97 = 20176 days of activity

35429 possible activity days

20176 * 2.5 = 50440 mL of product

50.44 L of semen (approx.)

13.32 gallons of semen (approx.)

honestly i don't know why i did that. i kinda creeped myself out. i need to go outside now.

[–]end42 4 points5 points ago

Wait...only 4 times a week?

[–]All-American-Bot 4 points5 points ago

(For our friends outside the USA... 13.32 gallons -> 50.4 L) - Yeehaw!

[–]Fgame 1 point2 points ago

13.32 gallons of semen?

challengeaccepted.jpg

[–]johnylaw 4 points5 points ago

I'm gonna need a bigger box.

[–]iddothat 2 points3 points ago

Challenge Accepted

[–]Fgame 1 point2 points ago

Challenge accepted.

[–]fluxaxion 1 point2 points ago

Fonzie?

[–]RudyBagels 1 point2 points ago

Okay this does not make sense. Why the fuck would he care about cancer? He and everyone he cares about cannot die making cancer an exclusively human problem. For the same reason most people dont give a fuck about bee AIDS or whatever is killing them off.

[–]NastyAxe 1 point2 points ago

Technically cancer was discovered only in the past century so he would have had as much time as we did...

[–]AxelPrime 1 point2 points ago

This slays me, just because you could do something doesn't mean you want to. Maybe he just doesn't want to expose his family to the intense public scrutiny that would come with curing cancer.

They would be labelled freaks and persecuted you realize, especially by all the religious people. Why should he sacrifice his and his family's health and well being for a world that would undoubtedly call him a monster?

Oh wait, you mean this is a shitty book and nobody fucking cares? Oh that's right.

[–]Nancy515 1 point2 points ago

Oh my fuckn god!! It's just a movie people!!!!! Get a grip

[–]alarumba 1 point2 points ago

To be perfectly honest... it's what I'd do.

[–]cheesinator 1 point2 points ago

Urck.. The... Reposting... It hurts...

[–]FrostyFathom 1 point2 points ago

Soo much repost!!!

[–]ycpa68 15 points16 points ago

This is just stupid. First off, it makes no sense. He doesn't have the resources to cure cancer. Second, what is the point of making fun of Twilight? It seems to be something that I wouldn't like, so you know what I chose to do? NOT WATCH THE MOVIES OR READ THE BOOKS! The only thing that bugs me about Twilight's existence is that people like you feel the need to bring it up all of the time to make fun of it.

[–]bitch_im_a_lion 15 points16 points ago

To be honest, he does bring up a valid point. Why would you use immortality to attend high school?

[–]mclellac[!] 6 points7 points ago

For the chicks! What's so hard to understand?

Also, I know nothing about Twilight other than what I see on Reddit. I don't know why he is able to be out during the day to attend classes, but I don't care either.

[–]bitch_im_a_lion 2 points3 points ago

I saw the first one. It was something like he was able to go when it was cloudy because then the sunlight wouldn't hit him and he wouldn't sparkle.

[–]mclellac[!] 4 points5 points ago

Well, considering vampires are mythological creatures I'm not really going to split any hairs, but that reasoning is almost as bad as Vampires being able to use sunscreen to enjoy day time activities.

[–]eloisekelly 2 points3 points ago

What if there's a break in the clouds? What the fuck do they do? Just duck and cover? You can't operate on the assumption that overcast morning = overcast all day. That pissed me off so much.

Edit: Never mind, fucking Alice can see into the future. I spent way too long being pissed off for nothing.

[–]kittyninaj 1 point2 points ago

Yeah he could totally being pulling high school chicks, given he's wise enough.

I get how Edward might be a bit of a weirdo. He's still hot tho.

[–]ShaolinSlamma 1 point2 points ago

He can cure cancer easy, just bite the bitch and make them a vampire.

[–]KennyFuckingPowers -1 points0 points ago

Why are we criticizing Romney? JUST DONT VOTE FOR HIM!! If you guys like cats so much, buy one instead of captioning pics of the same one!!!

[–]ycpa68 -1 points0 points ago

Well as far as Romney goes, that kind of has an effect on people's lives...

[–]Jipip 1 point2 points ago

Repost

[–]metamorphoasis 1 point2 points ago

twilight memes? NOT ON MY REDDIT.

[–]InterwebCeleb 3 points4 points ago

Keep this shit in /r/AdviceAnimals

[–]BallsToTheWall84 0 points1 point ago

Legendary repost

[–]LoriStrode 0 points1 point ago

He's not a genius for heaven sakes

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

hell thats what i would do. get it right next time and bang the hot ones

[–]Kiyokami 0 points1 point ago

are you implying that vampires give a shit about cancer?

[–]SirLaughter 0 points1 point ago

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSST

[–]PissedOn 0 points1 point ago

Uhh... his "dad" is a doctor. That may well be what they do. I dunno why they would go to highschool too though. I guess if I were perpetually 17 I'd chill there too. Highschool wasn't too bad.

[–]eloisekelly 1 point2 points ago

I attempted a Diploma of General Studies (tertiary prep) this year which was essentially a recap of everything I did in years 8-12. The reason I say attempted is because it became so boring and tedious that I couldn't do it anymore, because I'd already done this shit.

If I can't do high school over once, I have no idea how anyone would keep doing it year after year.

[–]PissedOn 0 points1 point ago

I imagine it would be like teaching introductory-level college courses for most of your career

[–]Imterriblyvexed 0 points1 point ago

And doesn't question clairvoyant sister's lottery playing.

[–]BonTonVon 0 points1 point ago

"That's what I love about high school girls man. I stay the same age and they stay the saaaaame age."

[–]LeonTrotsky1 0 points1 point ago

/r/AdviceAnimals is this way

[–]mildredfeirce 0 points1 point ago

well he looks 17, isn't anyone going to question that, or why he doesn't age without the Vampire Mafia eating their face?

[–]Punkguygabe 0 points1 point ago

I don't like twilight can I have some karma please

[–]ScruffySaysMhm 0 points1 point ago

Or we could all stop talking about Twilight.

[–]kolm 0 points1 point ago

Cullen is, by all standards, the largest pedophile in history.

[–]jonasb907ak 0 points1 point ago

r-r-r-repost

[–]SuperSchmyd 0 points1 point ago

Scumbag sassybananas, realizes this has been posted 10 times before, posts it anyways.

[–]Epicaq 0 points1 point ago

Doesn't he need a social security number or something to attend a high school? Also, don't they get suspicious when he's been going there for a while and not aging?

[–]rakki9999111 0 points1 point ago

...and is a sparkly douche.

[–]Kiacha 0 points1 point ago

But that's the very core of what makes Twilight (and all other grand romantic fairytales) every girls fantasy. He could be doing something important but instead chooses to do an insignificant highschool girl.

He finds her more important than cancer. See how this works?

[–]FTFM 0 points1 point ago

Now I'm not well versed here, and all vampires are given different rules, but aren't they immortal in this movie? Doesn't he have the cure for cancer in his mouth? Pretty sure his cure has fewer side effects than the aids cocktail too.

[–]Froghump 0 points1 point ago

would not be smart for a immortal to become famous for obvious reasons

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

He doesn't need to research cancer, sparkly vampires ARE cancer.

[–]hulkzilla 0 points1 point ago

Repost, Repost, Repost

[–]claudesoph 0 points1 point ago

He doesn't seduce her; it's true love.

[–]donkey_mask 0 points1 point ago

"Cure for cancer" is a misnomer. Cancer isn't one disease, it's composed of many different diseases. Even lung cancer and skin cancer are just subgroups, each containing a lot of different diseases.

This is why (short of something like nano-bots) there will never be a universal cure for cancer.

[–]ceandros 0 points1 point ago

I've seen it so many times...

[–]YourMomSaidHi 0 points1 point ago

I would do the same thing

[–]dbhanger 0 points1 point ago

First of all, he's pretty much made of cancer.

[–]Melos555 0 points1 point ago

http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3p96vw/

[–]Artist_for_life 0 points1 point ago

I just learned more about Twilight than I ever cared to, or thought I would, know.

[–]Spr09 0 points1 point ago

More appropriate

[–]brock01 0 points1 point ago

alternated repost, and alternated repost comments. i'm just sad and leave now :(

[–]Sondrita 1 point2 points ago

Exactly how old is this? Repost.

[–]mahandal -1 points0 points ago

reddiquette

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]mahandal 3 points4 points ago

What are you supposed to do? Not rage about reposts. If it gets upvoted then that means people want to see it. Sure, you have seen it before but millions of others haven't. Stop whining.

[–]twincam 0 points1 point ago

scumbag humans, could use time alive to reasearch cancer, but instead spend lives doing numouress other forms of employment.

[–]Horny_Troll 0 points1 point ago

why he need to do anything like that?

fuck people with cancer

i am gonna live forever fucking teens :)

[–]Sleepy_McTiredson -1 points0 points ago

He sparkles.

[–]MFchimichanga -2 points-1 points ago

And you know....he's a huge fucking pansy ass.

[–]ser710 -1 points0 points ago

FTS= Fuck This Shit

[–]Nokwatkwah -1 points0 points ago

You do realize that Twilight is not real, right?

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

this is at the forefront of the absurdity of that series (the fact he's in his 90s and is in high school and attracted to 16 year old girls that for all intents and purposes should seem shallow and vapid to him)

[–]witty_account_name -1 points0 points ago

With all the comments about jailbait in other threads, you'd think that reddit would understand his motivations

[–]Greglorious21 -1 points0 points ago

He keeps getting older, they stay the saaame age

[–]opie92 -1 points0 points ago

If the guy is over 100 years old and still in high school chances are he's not very smart.

[–]Paultimate79 -1 points0 points ago

sassybananas, could use time researching cancer

.

.

makes memes on reddit

[–]thenoogler -2 points-1 points ago

I now have something to shut people up with when they rant about Twilight.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Rixxer 2 points3 points ago

Bye, Huntralice! We won't miss you.

[–]Huntralice -1 points0 points ago

:'(

[–]Clegko -5 points-4 points ago

...and it would still be a better love story.

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