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top 200 commentsshow all 368

[–]skond 549 points550 points ago

Try that 58 second rice at an altitude above sea level, Mr U-Boat Commander. Yeah, I didn't think so.

[–]IMasturbateToMyself 340 points341 points ago

He can use a pressurized cooker. Checkmate.

[–]solidsnake2730 351 points352 points ago

He stares down the rice until it cooks under peer pressure.

[–]rocker225 72 points73 points ago

HEY GUYS I FOUND CHUCK NOR-

[–]Stiltzy 208 points209 points ago

rice?

[–]CannedBeef 50 points51 points ago

EVERYBODY RIIIIISE!

[–]dafragsta 38 points39 points ago

EVERYBODY RIIIIICE!

[–]JmjFu 14 points15 points ago

[–]ImADouchebag 4 points5 points ago

[–]reparadocs 15 points16 points ago

[–]TheOneWhoKnocksBitch 1 point2 points ago

Hey you! Flirt with yourself!

[–]OmNamahShivaya 1 point2 points ago*

[–]noble_radon 4 points5 points ago

Chuck No-Rice?

[–]skond 15 points16 points ago

Anybody can cook rice faster in a pressure cooker, though, so it's not really a very special talent if you do it that way.

[–]IMasturbateToMyself 27 points28 points ago

Maybe he can also cook quicker by 2 seconds with a pressurized cooker?

[–]skond 44 points45 points ago

Someone get ahold of this matey, stat, so we can have him do an AMA. There are far too many variables.

[–]almyndz 2 points3 points ago

But it should be proportional to the amount of time it would normally take to cook

[–]Uberhatkat 10 points11 points ago

He provides his own pressure.

[–]FluffyLion 24 points25 points ago

He pressures the rice by telling it he's proud of it and has very high expectations of it.

[–]bigroblee 2 points3 points ago

That's the same way he depresses the button.

[–]skond 2 points3 points ago

That there, would be a very special talent.

[–]A_aght 1 point2 points ago

Checkmate Sergei.

[–]FloraPaste 4 points5 points ago

you are the Master Sergeant Important Person of Sergeants Extreme of commander of extreme rice cooking.......i salute you.

[–]skond 2 points3 points ago

As you were. And tuck in that shirt.

[–]FloraPaste 1 point2 points ago

yes sir,also i am secretly erecting a statue in your honor,if you know what i mean.

[–]kaltorak 62 points63 points ago

"I'm a fast cook, I guess."

[–]TittyliciousBitch 17 points18 points ago

Magic grits!

[–]krustywazoo 4 points5 points ago

Cooked two seconds faster than regular grits!

[–]fumyl 28 points29 points ago

Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Was this magic rice? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

Thanks for reminding me of that movie. I didn't have work to do today, anyway.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

Thanks for putting the key words in bold.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

It shows where the emphasis goes.

[–]histumness 4 points5 points ago

What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a rice grain faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth?

[–]LupoAS 42 points43 points ago

This guy is going places!

[–]deathbytray 46 points47 points ago

On a boat!

[–]fuzzycuffs 16 points17 points ago

Poseidon, look at hiiiimmm

[–]jwhite878 1 point2 points ago

ALL HANDS ON DECK

[–]Spaz_Mah_Tazz 6 points7 points ago

Mother fucker!

[–]john2kxx 2 points3 points ago

He'll have his dream job in no time at all!

[–]Xensas 101 points102 points ago

Impressive.

[–]canthidecomments 236 points237 points ago

It's 5x more impressive than you think.

Instructions For Making Minute Rice:

1) Bring water to a boil.

2) Stir in rice. Cover. Remove from heat.

3) Let stand 5 minutes.

[–]c4lmlikeab0mb 254 points255 points ago

It never stands for me, I always wait, but all it does is sit there.

[–]Panzergrenadier 138 points139 points ago

thanks seinfeld.

[–]Silversol99 7 points8 points ago

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways???

[–]c4lmlikeab0mb 16 points17 points ago

I don't watch Seinfeld. Was this actually said on there? I just got it off the top of my head haha.

[–]randydisher 44 points45 points ago

It wasn't, it just seemed like the kind of thing someone there would say.

[–]c4lmlikeab0mb 19 points20 points ago

Damnit, now I just keep reading my own joke in the voice of Jerry.

[–]oysterpirate 12 points13 points ago

But I don't want to be a cowboy!

[–]JediMstrMyk 2 points3 points ago

[–]xXSJADOo 4 points5 points ago

what if i told you,

jerry's voice makes everything sound funnier.

[–]Bignut_Squirrel 5 points6 points ago

Part of me wants to make a really racist joke about your lazy rice being Uncle Ben's, but I am not going to do that.

[–]donagan 1 point2 points ago

You showed great restraint in not making that joke. What a guy!

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]fellowyellow 25 points26 points ago

I agree.

[–]certainlikely 9 points10 points ago

Am I the only one who caught this? You sir, are my hero for today.

[–]rdssassin 1 point2 points ago

Fellowyellow or something else Im missing?

[–]ericn1300 1 point2 points ago

making minute rice is like caramelizing onions in 5 minutes, they'll both take 20 minutes no matter what you see on TV.

[–]SuperShamou 1 point2 points ago

He said 58 seconds; that's 5.17 times more impressive.

[–]damnthetorpedos 1 point2 points ago

He probably just turns the heat up so the water boils at a higher temperature.

[–]Xensas 1 point2 points ago

That is very true.

[–]hedeman 13 points14 points ago

This guy is as real as it gets

[–]garysnail123 18 points19 points ago

And he's on a boat, motherfucker; don't you ever forget.

[–]Avien 8 points9 points ago

But is the rice fully cooked? I'm skeptical.

[–]humblerodent 1 point2 points ago

Most impressive.

[–]A_Foxy_Grandpa 48 points49 points ago

Pfffff... I can run a mile in 5,200 feet

[–]rednefgibson 33 points34 points ago

If I'm in the Denver area I can run a mile AT 5200 feet.

[–]herecomesanotherone 13 points14 points ago

My brain is trying to validate that claim....

If the 14 step of the Capitol is 5280 feet, and you drop to 5260ish near the bottom of the steps... maybe 5240ish at the corner of Broadway/Colfax, then a mild downhill all the way to the Platte River.... yeah, that is probably going to drop 40 feet.

So let's assume that, say, behind REI, you are at 5200 -- And if you run north on the bike trail one mile, it is relatively flat... so... yes. Yes, I think a mile can be run AT 5200 feet in Denver.

But I wasted a lot of time validating that inside my head.

[–]okay_you_over_think 14 points15 points ago

Or you could just run up and down the stairs at the capitol building.

[–]smiling_stranger 9 points10 points ago

Or Run in a circle...

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

But run a mile in Colorado Springs and you'll be above 5,280 ft.... (There's a reason the Olympic Training Center is there - just say'in)

[–]firstclassshitposter 1 point2 points ago

The science used in this post will be studied for generations.

[–]0311 5 points6 points ago

Sure you can, grandpa.

[–]All-American-Bot 8 points9 points ago

(For our friends outside the USA... 5,200 feet -> 1585.0 m) - Yeehaw!

[–]astralvortex 18 points19 points ago

Say yeehaw one more god damn time!!!!

[–]Morsz 9 points10 points ago

SeeSaw

[–]sorry_WHAT 6 points7 points ago

yeehaw one more god damn time?

[–]AmoDman 1 point2 points ago

You forgot the '!!!!'

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago

Which, assuming they know absolutely nothing about miles (I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH PEOPLE IN NOT AMERICA KNOW ABOUT JANKY AMERICAN MEASUREMENTS), still means absolutely nothing to them.

[–]NotActualIrony 9 points10 points ago

Shh... You'll hurt its robot feelings!

[–]fatimus_prime 2 points3 points ago

Happy cake-day, NotActualRobotDefender!

[–]NotActualIrony 2 points3 points ago

Thanks, friend!

[–]awestrom 1 point2 points ago

He converted it to meters. Which still does not convey the joke. 5,200 feet -> 1 mile.

[–]IHoldSteady 4 points5 points ago

And a mile is 5,280 feet and I think that is 1609 meters. fixed the meters.

[–]CLVPX 1 point2 points ago

10,400 feet

[–]tanu24 65 points66 points ago

Kinda like my special skills in bed...

[–]SpermWhale 15 points16 points ago

I imagined your sperm cells size is like grains of rice. OUCH!

[–]ThatJesterJeff 2 points3 points ago

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]vinsite 19 points20 points ago

Yea well it only takes me a half hour to watch 60 minutes

[–]crustation 4 points5 points ago

and it takes me 23 hours to watch 24

[–]Jiivl 2 points3 points ago

Considering the running time of 43 minutes per episode, watching it in less than 17.2 would be impressive.

[–]crustation 2 points3 points ago

...damn you and your logical mathematics!

[–][deleted] 37 points38 points ago

Dreams of Federal Employment

Greatest achievement is rice-cooking.

I present, the least interesting man in the world.

[–]celestialwolf 39 points40 points ago

I don't always drink bottled water, but when I do, I choose the generic one.

[–]sandozguineapig 23 points24 points ago

Stay thrifty, my friend

[–]donagan 8 points9 points ago

But the best qualified federal employee!

[–]N8theGr8 6 points7 points ago

Undercooking rice isn't a special talent. All of the Navy chefs do that.

[–]popototo 5 points6 points ago

WARNING Someone posted a link here to a spam/virus website -- dont click on it!! It says something about "make money from home" or shit like that-- ...T_T thought was a joke about the rice!!

[–]brianw824 7 points8 points ago

Where is the rest of the article, it looked interesting.

[–]0311 13 points14 points ago

[–]ReallyRandomRabbit 2 points3 points ago

That was fast

[–]0311 17 points18 points ago

It was very easy to find. All you have to do is take any reasonably sized portion of text from the section that we do have and then do a search with that phrase in quotation marks.

I used "Smith and thousands of other highly trained and" and got just the one result I was looking for.

The more you know.

[–]CYRlX 3 points4 points ago

I love doing that and suddenly people think I'm a computer god. Like I just turned internet into wine.

[–]omgscottlikewoah 7 points8 points ago

Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than in any other place on the face of the earth? Or perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Where they magic grits?

[–]u_drty_lout 1 point2 points ago

I don't know were this quote is from...

[–]omgscottlikewoah 1 point2 points ago

Sonofa....

It was copypasta, I swear!!!

And it's from My Cousin Vinny

[–]ffffffn 1 point2 points ago

If you had a cousin named Vinny, you'd know.

[–]xXSJADOo 4 points5 points ago

my personal record: 5 seconds.

disclaimer: it was very crunchy.

[–]BranchDavidian 7 points8 points ago

At least he found his special talent.

[–]Neonite 6 points7 points ago

That would make for a very strange cutie mark.

[–]fjonk 2 points3 points ago

What's minute rice?

[–]Nikomof 2 points3 points ago

Vinny Gambini: How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit-eating world 20 minutes? Mr. Tipton: Um... I'm a fast cook, I guess. Vinny Gambini: [across beside the jury] What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth? Mr. Tipton: I don't know. Vinny Gambini: Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

[–]Actual_Quotes 12 points13 points ago

"I dream to work in government so I don't have to work" - James McDonald, 59 yrs old, retired w/ pension

[–]listentobillyzane 1 point2 points ago

WITCH

[–]Chess_Slave 1 point2 points ago

And welcome back to America's Got Talent!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

That's because blacks have that fast-twitch muscle fiber.

Stormy

[–]bonaducci 1 point2 points ago

His uncle, Ben, would be proud.

[–]unlikely_nerd 1 point2 points ago

Put that in the Guinness World Records.

[–]Stimpacks 1 point2 points ago

I have a similar talent. I can cook instant ramen in 2 minutes and 34 seconds!

[–]Dannysmartful 1 point2 points ago

I think this young man has an interesting sense of humor. Glad to see his military service didn't spoil him :)

[–]williamwzl 1 point2 points ago

Master Chef Based God please teach me your ways, you may fuck my bitch.

[–]MabyLater 2 points3 points ago

I wonder if he get challenged all the time by people claiming they can do it in 57 seconds.

[–]centech 2 points3 points ago

No! No, no, not 57! I said 58. Nobody's comin' up with 57. Who cooks rice in 57 seconds? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.

[–]akels56 1 point2 points ago

It's like you're dreamin' about gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly brie time, baby.

[–]LessLikeYou 5 points6 points ago

Dream Job: Federal Employment

Wow, really aiming high...

[–]Kanye_Westicles 36 points37 points ago

The best part is that he's already achieved his dreams.

[–]angrydwarf 24 points25 points ago

Perhaps it was just as tongue-in-cheek as the rice answer? That's how I read it. He's got a dry sense of humor.

[–]randydisher 13 points14 points ago

I think the joke is that he's already federally employed.

[–]xXSJADOo 2 points3 points ago

i think he knows that...

[–]clever_imposter 5 points6 points ago

Check out the GS pay scale for federal employees. If he gets near the top doing something he loves, its worthy of dream job status

[–]Legitsu 64 points65 points ago

Oh! Dazzle us with your superior career path, oh enlightened one!

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points ago

Bro, he's a cowboy astronaut millionaire.

[–]celestialwolf 4 points5 points ago

I just wish the rest of us could have lower taxes, and those of you who don't mind an excessive amount of government jobs can go ahead and pick up the tab.

[–]SweetNeo85 1 point2 points ago

I'll just leave this here.

Make of it what you will.

[–]Legitsu 2 points3 points ago

It must be nice to be so financially and academically secure that you never had to consider a government job, though it seems the side effect was a severe case of the high horses.

[–]Handcuffed 1 point2 points ago

"Consider" and "Aspire for" are far different things, mate.

[–]MyNameIsBruce2 2 points3 points ago

I'd love to be federally employed. It's all about the benefits.

[–]supaphly42 1 point2 points ago

Obama is federally employed. He never said what specifically he wanted to do.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

I'm much more concerned by his dream job.

[–]LocalTownHero 0 points1 point ago

DAMMIT! I was going to post it but I didn't know Reddit would love it. SO MUCH KARMA THAT I MISSED OUT ON!!!!! WHY GOD, WHY!!!!!!!!!!??????????????

[–]tridentloop 0 points1 point ago

I believe this was derived from cooking 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes

[–]nocentsofhumour 0 points1 point ago

He's not even asian!

[–]apullin 0 points1 point ago

There's a relatively well known college entrance essay that had a litany of these "do the impossible" quips ... over the years, I've seen dozens of people plagiarize it and take credit for it.

[–]cobracommand0 0 points1 point ago

And it'll still be cold by the time you get to eat chow.

[–]Coach_Izzo 0 points1 point ago

I didn't know Randy Moss was in the service

[–]newgnij 0 points1 point ago

what a show off

[–]jammz 0 points1 point ago

2 seconds is big on a racetrack.

[–]Kyashan 0 points1 point ago

Saving us taxpayer dollars.

[–]gazow 0 points1 point ago

Looks like we got a time lord on our hands

[–]tahlspin 0 points1 point ago

I can do the 7 minute abs tape in only 5 minutes!

[–]akcom 0 points1 point ago

I'd just curious to know what that part below says

[–]greensquares 0 points1 point ago

Pssh, that's nothing. I can make Top Ramen in like 116 seconds.

[–]kingspaz 0 points1 point ago

My dick made me a sex addict

[–]Cobruh 0 points1 point ago

How does he do it?

[–]Freshenstein 0 points1 point ago

Hell with minute rice. I do mine the old fashioned way, like my ancestors did.

In a rice cooker.

[–]nahprahbrah 0 points1 point ago

When soldiers don't eat, you can expect defeat.

[–]theoneandonly19 0 points1 point ago

the world needs more people like this

[–]CtotheW 0 points1 point ago

His secret is safe with dadt...

[–]pizzaparty183 0 points1 point ago

The picture makes it. Makes it clear he is not fucking around at all.

[–]supaphly42 0 points1 point ago

He likes his rice al-dente.

[–]donagan 0 points1 point ago

If I had been as smart as he (him?) I would be retired with a great pension now. But I would have lost my soul.

[–]roundjericho 0 points1 point ago

Makes me want to apply to the army. I too have many great talents like that which are not really appreciated at my current job.

[–]ChillinWitAFatty 0 points1 point ago

What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into rice faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth? Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic rice? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

[–]Notloc24 0 points1 point ago

the govt. does need a new rice cooker...

[–]neuroticallyepic 0 points1 point ago

And to think I read this article a few days ago. So much karma lost

[–]Ceramik 0 points1 point ago

No good, cheating, pressure cooker using, mother fucker.

[–]entyrii 0 points1 point ago

Typical federal employee.

[–]lIlIlIlIlI_____ 0 points1 point ago

Damn, that must have taken years to perfect.

[–]KazOondo 0 points1 point ago

I wanna' know how long it takes him to bake a potato.

[–]brosenfeld 0 points1 point ago

He can also make 20 minute grits in five minutes.

[–]sabbott1990 0 points1 point ago

Someone should tell him working for the military is working for the federal government. The man has lives his dreams but doesn't know it!

[–]chief1928 0 points1 point ago

HAHAH

[–]gotezula 0 points1 point ago

I'm shocked nobody has mentioned the fetal alcohol syndrome yet

[–]Enigmaenigmas 0 points1 point ago

HA I literally had an audible burst of laughter, i'm by myself...

[–]miaogyver 0 points1 point ago

...Stanley?

[–]EvanConover 0 points1 point ago

I can microwave a hot Pop Tart in 3 seconds.

[–]benkenobi5 0 points1 point ago

Boy, that CS is the pride of the navy

[–]MerkinMonster 0 points1 point ago

Go Navy... Why would you interview a cook?

[–]AutoFocus 0 points1 point ago

Oh, sure, but is it good?

[–]RainbowToeJam 0 points1 point ago

They need to re-write the record books.

[–]strobeprobe 0 points1 point ago

never before this thread have i seen such a quantity of unnecessary bolding. christ.

[–]wsuraiders33 0 points1 point ago

Am I the only who who laughed harder at federal employment?

[–]M0uzeCh33s 0 points1 point ago

maybe if he would RICE the temperature he would get it done faster?.......thats terrible

[–]umadbro996 0 points1 point ago

watch out, we got a badass over here

[–]koalayummy 0 points1 point ago

The face he's making sells it

[–]JDtheMiz 0 points1 point ago

He would make his uncle ben proud

[–]edgegripsubz 0 points1 point ago

Honestly, as a former submariner. As long he likes his job, is good at it, receiving full benefits, free dental and health. More props to him because he got his shit together!

[–]m0rose 0 points1 point ago

Looks like a bit of a rip off of a line from Hugh Gallagher's "college essay" http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~susan/joke/essay.htm

[–]Phoenixlord21 0 points1 point ago

Wonder what that Cutie Mark Looks like...

[–]bfj420 0 points1 point ago

My pie is so good it's 3.15

[–]mgill355 0 points1 point ago

58 SECONDS ... what kind of sorcery...

[–]kimi21 0 points1 point ago

I'm glad I'm not the only one who reads Reader's Digest.

[–]forgot_my_pw 0 points1 point ago

Did it occur to anyone here that this might be a joke???

[–]roxielove 0 points1 point ago

True story.

[–]lambo7 0 points1 point ago

Dang it some people get blessed with the greatest talents. All I can do is talk to animals and fly. I got so ripped off.

[–]MadMatto 0 points1 point ago

got rice bitch?

[–]phcyco101 0 points1 point ago

might be the only one, but military service is federal employment...