this post was submitted on
1,772 points (52% like it)
15,884 up votes 14,112 down votes

funny

subscribe2,429,908 readers

11,228 users here now

PLEASE, No posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.


Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

top 200 commentsshow all 359

[–]UNAlreadyTaken 147 points148 points ago

This has accidentally happened to me. I was sitting on one of the benches they had, just texting and some woman started to approach me. I moved and she screamed. She then told me she thought I was wax. Weird.

[–]killboy 125 points126 points ago

You need a better skin care regime.

[–]squeaked 27 points28 points ago

Regime?

[–]hillside 46 points47 points ago

He needs to govern it better

[–]ShadyG 4 points5 points ago

The regime from which the radicals are trying to break free?

[–]bmward105 8 points9 points ago

Opress your skin

[–]BanglaPP 6 points7 points ago

Free radicals.

[–]sailingonward 4 points5 points ago

Better? If their skin is as smooth and shiny as wax, I'd say they're doing alright.

[–]sidepart 1 point2 points ago

I don't know...that tanning booth lady had shiny, waxy skin. If you ask me, she looked a bit weird.

[–]andrews89 30 points31 points ago

Had the same thing happen to me in New York. After the first person came up and tried to take a picture with me and I scared her by just turning my head, I decided to have a little fun. I just sat there for about half an hour, completely still, and people would come up and take pictures with me. My favorite was when two women came up to me and posed on either side; I just casually put my arms around their shoulders, and they screamed incredibly loud.

TL;DR: Wax museums are fun!

[–]Machinax 8 points9 points ago

Who did she think you were?

[–]UNAlreadyTaken 1 point2 points ago

No idea. She just got real embarrassed and kind of quickly walked off.

[–]shit_and_piss 490 points491 points ago

[–]vicwolfe 270 points271 points ago

good guy ozzy. dont scream at little girls. says a polite hello instead.

[–]annul 76 points77 points ago

sitting on a museum bench

eyeing little girls with bad intent

[–]Clegko 29 points30 points ago

That's Jethro Tull.

[–]annul 30 points31 points ago

i am aware

[–]Clegko 1 point2 points ago

Good. :)

[–]TrebeksUpperLIp 1 point2 points ago

Snot running down his nose

[–]DaGarbageMan 2 points3 points ago

Haha I was happy to see he didn't scare the shit out of her

[–]WeAllLoveRed 39 points40 points ago

[–]jimmy_frog 11 points12 points ago

upvoted for better quality/

[–]KickTheBaby 3 points4 points ago

Why do the Germans always have better shit?

[–]ss1809 4 points5 points ago

Surprised Justin beiber at 31 seconds

[–]FTLRalph 190 points191 points ago

Thank you, shit_and_piss.

[–]johnnygrant 79 points80 points ago

shit_and_piss always delivers

[–]Eyelickah 65 points66 points ago

Sadly.

[–]shark615 12 points13 points ago

or happily if you are into that sort of thing. personally i am not but who are we to deny someone who enjoys water sports on the odd occasion

[–]rmkensington 6 points7 points ago

Not that theres anything wrong with that

[–]n1rvous 4 points5 points ago

Sometimes at the most inopportune times

[–]princetrunks 1 point2 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Battedpuppy 1 point2 points ago

Shitting and Pissing are my two favourite things Sir.

[–]sailingonward 2 points3 points ago

Except when your constipated ;_;

[–]THIS_GUY_READS_NAMES 11 points12 points ago

[–]dadrew1 12 points13 points ago

That guy at 1:03 is hilarious :D

[–]cybrbeast 3 points4 points ago

[–]TheoQ99 2 points3 points ago

Didnt notice that guy at first, quite hilarious indeed.

[–]cjcolt 5 points6 points ago

Polamalu anyone?

[–]flightfightfright 2 points3 points ago

I like how the three latest video comments all say essentially the same thing. Let`s keep it going?

[–]oalsaker 2 points3 points ago

His wife cackling at the end was the best part.

[–]incan1 1 point2 points ago

good guy ozzy!

[–]TomPong 742 points743 points ago

This is the smoothest gif I have ever seen

[–]i_m_fury 545 points546 points ago

All 10 frames are beautifully crafted.

[–]freeaccount 209 points210 points ago

For the smoothest gifs on Reddit, you need to choose NorthernGrim. We take only the highest quality frames when we make our gifs, and each one is hand crafted with the most stringent quality control standards in the industry.

When you need your gif to feel like liquid silk, the only choice is NorthernGrim.

[–]AscentofDissent 109 points110 points ago

My credit card is in hand. Tell me what to do.

[–]executex 54 points55 points ago

Lapidate that card right into your monitor, don't miss or it won't go through.

[–]Turk182 68 points69 points ago

Listen to this man, I missed and accidentally defenestrated my credit card.

[–]sailingonward 55 points56 points ago

OH GOD THE WORDS

[–]swuboo 40 points41 points ago

SO SESQUIPIDALIAN.

[–]hooliganking 32 points33 points ago

*sesquipedalian

Sorry.

[–]swuboo 37 points38 points ago

You need never apologize to me for being right, sir.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]MrMo21 4 points5 points ago

"Thesaurus.com is over capacity! Sorry! We're busy running around with our hair on fire because Thesaurus.com is over capacity! Please try again in a few minutes."

[–]malenkylizards 2 points3 points ago

Some concupiscent vocabulary you've got there.

[–]billyfalconer 3 points4 points ago

Call the roller of big cigars,

The muscular one, and bid him whip

In kitchen cups concupiscent curds.

[–]TheoQ99 2 points3 points ago

I know, they're perfectly cromulent.

[–]greendalek 1 point2 points ago

Then allow me to be the first to offer you my most sincere contrafibularities.

[–]EveningD00 2 points3 points ago

I'M LAPIDATING AS HARD AS I CAN BUT IT'S NOT GOING THROUGH!!

[–]mmatia 12 points13 points ago

[–]kael13 38 points39 points ago

Thanks. I love this one http://i.imgur.com/PWb8N.gif

[–]TheWingstorm 22 points23 points ago

howl's moving castle... Great movie.

[–]eshinn 1 point2 points ago

Yes yes. The original in Japanese is much better than Billy Crystal.

[–]madavid789 1 point2 points ago

Shut up and take my money.

[–]daielquon 11 points12 points ago

Best Windows slideshow ever.

[–]TheLoveKraken 25 points26 points ago

...Is it meant to be pronounced "jiff"?

[–]lyanocoste 23 points24 points ago

choosey developers choose GIF

[–]creepig 13 points14 points ago

I have never heard anyone pronounce it like that.

[–]wothcloth 20 points21 points ago

You have never heard anyone pronounce it right :)

[–]dootbag 22 points23 points ago

I've never heard anyone pronounce it.

[–]GenerallyObtuse 12 points13 points ago

I've never heard anyone.

[–]1_point_21_gigawatts 11 points12 points ago

Well, I never!

[–]TheoQ99 3 points4 points ago

Never.

[–]OneRomaines 14 points15 points ago

[–]serfis 5 points6 points ago

Apparently both ways are correct.

[–]scudmissile 9 points10 points ago

Those jraphics are quite smooth.

[–]canireddit 7 points8 points ago

Yes, because you pronounce the underwater in SCUBA oonderwater.

[–]erkurita 36 points37 points ago

That's not even a .gif ಠ_ಠ

HEY GUYS, THIS ONE'S A PHONY!

[–]TheoQ99 10 points11 points ago

http://i.imgur.com/vakig.gif

Where is your god now?

[–]Shadax 6 points7 points ago

I swear I've seen this on the front page 3 times in the last 24 hours. It started with a video, and then a gif, and now a gif of a ten frame slideshow.

[–]MilosVP 12 points13 points ago

Wait until you see the jpeg version. It's fucking hilarious.

[–]wauter 1 point2 points ago

Oh ok so it's not my connection

[–]Bloodfeastisleman 1 point2 points ago

Finished with a my previous gifs because they couldn't help me with my mind

[–]most_wuud 188 points189 points ago

I like how for the little girl he just gently says "hello". What a class act.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j59284UuDfI

[–]HyzerFlip 160 points161 points ago

I was never an ozzy fan myself growing up, didn't really dislike him or anything... Then I got to meet the guy.

I was helping out at an event that had some remote connection to the current ozzy tour (apparently the bands on stage that night were all part of the summer ozzfest tour or something) after the show was up and running I had little to do so I started trying to round up band members for interviews and such.

I was asked if I was free for a few minutes because they needed somebody entertained. This meant one of a few things, either somebody had to wait and we need them to not notice, or somebody important needs to be coming through so control this crazy for a few while we take care of it.... Or a friend is here and they're just trying to be a good host and get somebody to take care of a VIP for a few...

It was ozzy.

He was there to see one of the bands perform a new song that he wanted them to record for their upcoming album (he apparently fancies himself a producer a bit) and had scheduled an interview for the other time... But the journalist didn't show. (later found out he was there but nobody got him upstairs... Ozzy took him out to dinner and did the interview there)

I had no idea what to say to ozzy. At first I wasn't sure it was him, and for the first full minute I was convinced it was a silly prank...

He perked up to see me, giggled that he was glad I wasn't another suit (basically I was a light work roadie in dickies and a polo) I laughed and made small talk for a minute.

Then he started talking to me about dogs. How he feels about little dogs vs small dogs. I ran with it, told him about my pups at home etc.

He was a truly sweet man, full of deep wisdom. I felt ashamed for thinking of him as even less than his persona.

[–]flume 50 points51 points ago

little dogs vs small dogs

What variety!

[–]vefobitseq 5 points6 points ago

mice vs rats?

[–]HyzerFlip 1 point2 points ago

Android. I'm glad I didn't say little dogs velociraptor

[–]econleech 24 points25 points ago

Little dogs vs small dogs. O_O

[–]James_the_Rustler 12 points13 points ago

The fight of the century!

[–]Ref101010 3 points4 points ago

You're going off the rails on a crazy karma train.

[–]HyzerFlip 1 point2 points ago

I actually had not noticed, thank you for pointing it out :)

[–]LeonHRodriguez 2 points3 points ago

Ozzy took him out to dinner and did the interview there

what a class act!

[–]fazi0 4 points5 points ago

Great story!

Ozzy and the original Sabbath were the only bands I listened to in High School. Love them.

[–]zodiaclawl 97 points98 points ago

If you watch his TV show you realize that he's actually a really nice guy, I have a lot of respect for him. He has also voiced regret that he fucked himself up with drugs.

[–]discdeath 45 points46 points ago

I read his biography a while ago, and one of the things which I really liked was how he was upfront and honest about everything. He didn't gloss things over, and he didn't make excuses. He was very clear that he messed up in many different ways, and that it was only him who was to blame for most of it.

[–]Colonel-Chapman 13 points14 points ago

"I am Ozzy"? Excellent read, I thoroughly enjoyed that!

[–]jarlry 21 points22 points ago

Yeah, I listened to it on audio book, it was really good, and I am glad they got someone else to read it.

[–]SpiceBro 12 points13 points ago

I am disappointed they got someone else to read it.

[–]D14BL0 1 point2 points ago

Have you heard Ozzy's speaking voice these days? Might bit difficult to follow.

[–]stanfan114 1 point2 points ago

Drunk William Shatner was not a good choice.

[–]McKrafty 6 points7 points ago

"I mostly did it to myself. Mostly"

[–]unicornshoes 4 points5 points ago

was it an autobiography?

[–]McStrauss 9 points10 points ago

Ozzy's a great guy.

Sharon, on the other hand...

[–]ineedtolaugh2 2 points3 points ago

I read her book as well and she's pretty nuts!

[–]Robstaley 1 point2 points ago

it's in her genes. her dad was a scary motherfucker.

[–]bakerie 16 points17 points ago

You mean now that he's old and his body is falling to pieces he regrets making it that way? Youdontsay.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]bakerie 1 point2 points ago

How am I judging him?

[–]_deffer_ 53 points54 points ago

You make it sound like if you were him, in his line of work 20-40 years ago, that you wouldn't have done the same shit...

[–]Shanhaevel 9 points10 points ago

Oh, Ozzy, you're so crazy you...

[–]suddenly_ponies 2 points3 points ago

YES! As a father who sees people on Reddit constantly laughing about traumatizing little kids, it's awesome to see someone who gets it for once. Lots of things older people would handle traumatizes kids and that's not funny. Not even a little.

[–]CoNsPirAcY_BE[!] 1 point2 points ago

[–][deleted] 60 points61 points ago

True story. When I was about 15, my family went to a wax museum in NYC. In one area of the museum there was a hallway that you had to go through to reach the next section of the museum but there were no wax figures in it. At the end of the hallway there was a section that was lifted up (probably to hold a wax figure). This gave me an idea so I told my parents to wait for me in the next room. I stood on the lifted section at the end of the hallway and stood completely still in a friendly pose. An young asian couple (probably around late 20s) walked into the hallway. They didn't speak english so I did not know what they were saying when they saw me, but the woman came up to me and posed with me while the man took our picture. Right after the picture was taken I turned to her and said, "You forgot to say cheese". I swear she jumped several feet in the air and screamed, but they both had a good laugh immediately after. The man shook my hand (asian death-grip style) and I went to go find my parents.

I would have fleshed the story out more but I have to go to my last day of classes ever...

[–]DreamoftheEndless 15 points16 points ago

Congrats grad! Don't worry you'll still have nightmares about school for the rest of your life :D

[–]ShadyG 6 points7 points ago

Props for not assuming this is the day he gets expelled.

[–]Phallindrome 1 point2 points ago

I was thinking Columbine.

[–]sailingonward 3 points4 points ago

...and that's how I killed a man

[–]PsychoWolf 153 points154 points ago

You can't blame the girl for not noticing, Ozzy actually looks like a wax statue.

[–]freeaccount 159 points160 points ago

I can just imagine what's going through her head though, there had to be some sort of indication.

boy, this wax statue sure does smell like vodka and bat guano

[–]Bunbury42 75 points76 points ago

Hey...hey....hey. That's a little rude.

Ozzy preferred gin.

[–]Ihasn 39 points40 points ago

prefers....hes not dead yet.

[–]MaeBeWeird 23 points24 points ago

Allegedly he's given up drinking.

If so, preferred would work fine.

[–]my_god_you_are_dumb 4 points5 points ago

More like the living dead.

[–]_deffer_ 2 points3 points ago

...are you sure?

[–]YourOldBoyRickJames 2 points3 points ago

You wanna live like common people?

[–]Bunbury42 1 point2 points ago

Well, he's said he's quit drinking. And I feel like it'd be all over TMZ or other such celeb sites if he started again considering how much of an alcoholic he is/(was?).

[–]juliet1 5 points6 points ago

Who's to say Mme Tussauds doesn't drench their wax figures in vodka and bat guano for authenticity too?

[–]Ender87 1 point2 points ago

I always think that maybe one of the is real and act normal just in case.

[–]StewieBanana 67 points68 points ago

How did Ozzy pull this off? Doesn't he shake pretty uncontrollably?

[–]Mystery_Hours 173 points174 points ago

He was technically dead for a few seconds.

[–]MrUmbrellaPants 8 points9 points ago

He spent a year dead, for tax reasons.

[–]filefly 2 points3 points ago

For wax reasons

[–]waxyloins 32 points33 points ago

Technically dead, the best kind of dead.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

What's the worst kind of dead?

[–]Mystery_Hours 16 points17 points ago

When you die in a necrophiliac's basement.

[–]JasonMaggini 8 points9 points ago

There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do, go through his clothes and look for loose change.

[–]blueberryjamoutlaw 7 points8 points ago

When you're hit with a successful instakill.

[–]MrKenta 1 point2 points ago

Undead.

[–]gtalley10 1 point2 points ago

He was only mostly dead.

[–]zeldafanboy345 1 point2 points ago

There's a difference between mostly dead and all dead.

[–]bakerie 23 points24 points ago

Not when drunk.

[–]prodijy 23 points24 points ago

I think in his book he states that a doctor took him off all the meds he was taking and replaced them with something that actually worked to control the shaking.

[–]fearthejew 2 points3 points ago

yeah I believe this is true. I know in like, 2004-2006 they took him off almost all of his considerable amount of prescriptions (like, 15-20 pills a day for different things) and within a month or so he returned to a "normally function person" who has still ingested more drugs than most people have ever seen.

tl;dr: they took him off the drugs and that stopped most of his weird issues. the shaking my be one of them

[–]fazi0 14 points15 points ago

His Doctor at the time was taking advantage of his fame/money by prescribing him too many drugs at once so he can charge him the extra.

After that was found out the Doctor lost his license and Ozzy now receives the correct medication.

He no longer shakes and you can understand him pretty well, except for his ridiculous Birmingham accent.

[–]Skitrel 6 points7 points ago

You think brummy is hard to understand? Yam need ta gow 't Black cuntry.

[–]Wibbles 1 point2 points ago

Ayup bab! Nobody outside of the Midlands seems to even know what a brummie accent is, they think everyone there talks like black country farmers...

[–]Skitrel 1 point2 points ago

I live in the west mids, I go to Bristol frequently. They call Midlanders Northerners...

[–]Wibbles 1 point2 points ago

I live in Yorkshire, I'm a Southerner apparently...

[–]snackies 4 points5 points ago

Usually people even with muscle conditions that have tremors can stop themselves from shaking if they are in a position to brace themselves sort of. If he tried to hold his hands out in front of him they would be trembling probably, which is why he chose to sit down and lean into his hands. If he was trying to pose standing up or even just with his hands not together they would be trembling or moving to some degree.

[–]BaldBombshell 2 points3 points ago

Diagnosis and medication change.

[–]BHSPitMonkey 1 point2 points ago

You know that fly resurrection magic trick where you knock out a housefly for a few minutes with nitrogen? Yeah...

[–]Muuurderface 38 points39 points ago

Pretty bummed she didn't punch him in the face like that dude that popped out of the garbage can wearing a mask.

[–]AscentofDissent 9 points10 points ago

That one and the snowman one are two of my favorite gifs.

[–]janicenatora 4 points5 points ago

The snowman one? Link?

[–]sintralin 13 points14 points ago

Here's the gif, with sound

The guy comes in at around 10 seconds but it would take me longer just to copy that link since my internet's kinda slow :P

[–]NoDownvotesPlease 9 points10 points ago

Gotta love these new fangled audio gifs.

[–]dan2737 6 points7 points ago

[–]lugubriousmoron 21 points22 points ago

Step 1. Go to /r/Videos

Step 2. Make animated .gif from one of the top videos

Step 3. Karma

[–]jayseesee85 15 points16 points ago

You are using the term "animated" a bit loosely there, ain'tcha?

[–]Galaxyz 37 points38 points ago

SHARONNN

[–]ChopToxicity 12 points13 points ago

STAAAAAAN?

[–]cwstjnobbs 9 points10 points ago

WIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLMAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[–]acg706 10 points11 points ago

LAAAAANNNNNNAAAAA!!!

[–]SSHeretic 7 points8 points ago

WHAT?!?

[–]acg706 2 points3 points ago

DAYNJAH ZOWN!!!

[–]Miltage 5 points6 points ago

WILSON!

[–]ltcarter47 3 points4 points ago

WAAAAAALT!!!!!!!

[–]DanYMMV 1 point2 points ago

FENTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON

[–]letgoofthepizza 2 points3 points ago

STELLAAAAA

[–]neotsunami 10 points11 points ago

I guess they're glad they didn't get one of these guys.

[–]TheLoveKraken 15 points16 points ago

A black?

[–]factoid_ 4 points5 points ago

I was at Kennedy Space Center in Florida when I was a kid, and on the tour there was a spot where you could sit in a replica of a lunar rover next to a guy in a space suit.

The suit isn't moving at all, so I assume it was just a mannequin. Then the guy inside the suit turns and looks right at me and I freak the fuck out and was half way across the room in about .2 seconds.

[–]octopusgardens87 11 points12 points ago

[–]Tibyon 10 points11 points ago

If I did this, I would be much more subtle. Like, turn and lick them on the face or something.

[–]onyxphase 6 points7 points ago

fucking evil doesn't even start to define that action...

[–]Daroo425 3 points4 points ago

I feel I'm the only one who loudly screams "OH, FUCK!" when I get frightened.

[–]jimibulgin 5 points6 points ago

I took a picture with Gene Simmons once and posted it on FB. My gf's mom said, "I didn't know there was a wax museum in Springfield!"

(Springfield is not the actual town......)

[–]meh1234 2 points3 points ago

Ozzy is still awesome...

[–]Machinax 2 points3 points ago

Aw man, he didn't try to bite any of their heads off.

[–]deadlyspoons 2 points3 points ago

He's such a healthy guy, who would be fooled?

[–]slash178 2 points3 points ago

Fucking Ozzy rocks.

[–]ketura 2 points3 points ago

does it?

[–]MabX666 1 point2 points ago

13 frames you cant count it

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

That's my Ozzy.

[–]CornFedHonky 1 point2 points ago

The entire video was on the front page yesterday! How the hell does this crappy quality gif make it less than 24 hours later? Lame.

[–]TL-PuLSe 1 point2 points ago

He should have pulled the subtle arm-around-the-back and touched their other shoulder while taking a picture.

[–]natstrap 1 point2 points ago

I am amazed that Ozzy could stay still enough for this.

[–]Icameonarainbowplane 1 point2 points ago

Another reason I will never go in a wax museum...

[–]gypsiequeen 1 point2 points ago

i would do this all day if i was famous and i had wax me in wax museums.

[–]maz-o 1 point2 points ago

why not post the video instead?

[–]chefmcduck 1 point2 points ago

If I was famous, this is all I would do all day long.

[–]TheB1ade 1 point2 points ago

Fucking love this guy.

[–]twdevil 1 point2 points ago

Oh man, this guy is awesome! So far, the only famous person that makes me shiver and feel sad when I think that one day he may die, until then, he'll just keep on rocking

[–]holysocks 1 point2 points ago

There is a temple in Thailand with a giant hall of wax figures - famous monks from the temple that have passed. For some reason, monks at the temple also meditate in there. They love scaring tourists just like OP gif.

[–]Yippie_Skippie 1 point2 points ago

How could you not tell he was real/warm/breathing/moving even a little?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

Real Ozzy is lucky if he can do all three of those things at once on a good day.

[–]superanth 1 point2 points ago

To be fair, at this point his skin might be mostly resins...