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top 200 commentsshow all 398

[–]happybirthdaydude 191 points192 points ago

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Man, where is the rest of that story? The opening sentence is epic...

[–]An_Emo_Dinosaur 204 points205 points ago

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A 61-year-old woman Friday attacked another woman with three knives, including a meat cleaver, imbedding a knife point in the victim's skull and cutting off part of her right ear, police and the victim said.

"The blood was everywhere. I thought I was going to die. I was begging for my life," said Gina Damiano, 47, assaulted at about 5 p.m. outside the elevator on the 11th floor of Rowan Towers on the 600 block of West State Street.

Damiano sustained no life-threatening injuries and was released after obtaining "numerous stitches" at Capital Health System-Fuld.

Full article

[–][deleted] 104 points105 points ago

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Well, that ended up being depressing. At first I thought someone tried to mug some bad ass old lady, but turns out she was a mental illness patient off her medication. She attacked a very friendly neighbor.

[–]vandal823 45 points46 points ago

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I was attacked, by a developmentally disabled guy, for whom I provided care, and it was one of the more tense, scary moments of my life. Everything is unpredictable.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]ChaoticAgenda 24 points25 points ago

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Crazy people can be naked too. You'll just never know what to expect with people sometimes.

[–]ctm617 32 points33 points ago

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I got my ass kicked in high school by a retarded kid. I can fight, too! Retard strength is no joke. I must have connected with 10 good punches to the face, he was swollen up good, too, but it didn't matter. Once he got a hold of me, I was finished.

[–]TheSpaghetti_Monster 3 points4 points ago

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You can never ever win in a fight against retarded kids. If you lose, you lost to a retarded kid. If you win, you beat up a retarded kid. Society looks down upon you in both outcomes.

[–]zilong 1 point2 points ago

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Can you elaborate, please?

[–]vandal823 4 points5 points ago

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Sure. It's a long story, so I'll keep it brief. I covered someone's shift, on Thanksgiving, and ended up working with "Bob", who I normally didn't work with. Bob and I go for a drive, and I stop at the store for a Mountain Dew.

I get back in the car, with said MD, and Bob (who sort of grunted, instead of spoke) starts making noises and pointing at my drink. I figured he probably wanted pop, but I wasn't sure if that was allowed or not, so I told him "when we get back to the house, I'll ask if you can have some".

Then, Bob picks his nose, and wipes a huge booger on my dashboard. I'm like "Bob, wipe that off, right now. That's gross and it's not nice.". I may have said it more forcefully, than I had to, but it kinda pissed me off, because it seemed like he did it out of spite.

Anyways, I pull out of the parking lot, and probably get, about, 30 yards down the street. Next thing I know, Bob is raining punches down on my face, left and right, and I'm trying to manage my stick shift into the next available parking lot.

I finally park, and Bob now has ripped my rear view mirror off, and is holding it like he's going to beat me with it. I grabbed it out of his hand, and then grab both of his wrists, to stop any more punches. He's still grunting, and rocking back and forth, so I go "you can have a pop, when we get back"..

..instantly calm

So I drive back to the home, and when we get out, I was so mad I was shaking. I wanted to bash his deformed skull in. Instead, I went inside and told my coworkers, about what had transpired. They chuckled, and had me fill out an incident report. I was later reimbursed for the mirror.

TL;DR- didn't give a disabled guy a Mountain Dew; got beat up, while driving, for it -_-

Edit: that's hilarious that I said I'd keep it brief

[–]tellhersafe 1 point2 points ago

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When I was in elementary school a kid with down syndrome got mad and threw my friend at me =/ He was normally so sweet, too.

[–]bluescape 9 points10 points ago

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That's why you can never be friendly with a ninja

[–]Grossly_Overrated 5 points6 points ago

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... and not actually a Ninja...

[–]omplatt 13 points14 points ago

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She is no ninja. Ninjas must be of sound body and mind.

[–]mach-2 45 points46 points ago

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She shouldn't have pissed off lady Tsunade.

[–]cuddlep00p 10 points11 points ago

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Old lady Hokage don't fuck around.

[–]SonVolt 4 points5 points ago

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They misspelled "embedding". That is all.

[–]sp00ks 1 point2 points ago

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I guess the time was around 5pm, if only she had a watch this whole incident couldve been avoided

[–]edknator 1 point2 points ago

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What. In the actual. FUCK

[–]aperture81 4 points5 points ago

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I'm with you - 61 year old ninja woman "you know what time it is bitch? You know what time it is" armed with knives and cleavers

[–]NotVerySmarts 6 points7 points ago

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The victim should have said it was a little after 5.

[–]1mannwolfpak[S] 18 points19 points ago

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Sorry man I was going through pictures on my old phone and found it. unfortunately thats all I've got of that picture.

[–]epic_comebacks 65 points66 points ago

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You give OPs everywhere a bad name

[–]chinnababu 8 points9 points ago

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There is a reason why he is just a 1-man wolf pack.

[–]down_vote_magnet 8 points9 points ago

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attacked another woman with three knives, including a meat cleaver, imbedding a knife...

IN WHAT?! IN WHICH PART OF HER BODY?!

[–]thealfreds 10 points11 points ago

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The tasty part.

[–]mach-2 1 point2 points ago

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love handles?

[–]cherrygarcia 1 point2 points ago

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her head, cut off part of her right ear.

[–]slumba 1 point2 points ago

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Aziz?

[–]ThaFuzz 1 point2 points ago

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Light?

[–]vandal823 2 points3 points ago

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Gesundheit.

[–]fantomfancypants 1 point2 points ago

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It's clearly pizzatime, cowabunga.

[–]xLoafery 219 points220 points ago

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Nobody expects the elderly Ninja

[–]Ocrasorm 43 points44 points ago

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Expect him when you least expect him.

[–]SaladFengasPapit 130 points131 points ago

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I think she expected him. That bitch knew what time it was.

[–]feetham 66 points67 points ago

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She expected her

[–]bagelsandkegels 17 points18 points ago

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Ladies can be ninjas too.

[–]feetham 11 points12 points ago

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It says in the article, well what you can see of it.

[–]katamarimasu 3 points4 points ago

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Kunoichi.

[–]999realthings 8 points9 points ago

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It's business time cause I only got my socks on.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]frenzyboard 5 points6 points ago

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Sounds more like a barbarian than a ninja.

[–]NeverfailMode 6 points7 points ago

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You sound more like a barbarian than a ninja.

[–]frenzyboard 2 points3 points ago

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Thanks! Conan has always been a personal hero of mine.

[–]saganaut 1 point2 points ago

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Did she give birth to the meat cleaver? Did her actions somehow result in a meat cleaver? I don't see how she yielded it. Now, if she were to... WIELD it...

[–]HasFuckedYourMom 1 point2 points ago

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Before the early bird specials start, and after the afternoon nap. The indigestion starts to act up after dinner, gotta get an early start.

[–]capmasterflash 2 points3 points ago

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Fiber makes me sad.

[–]Dokbokki 1 point2 points ago

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Expect the unexpected.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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This was my argument for terminators as well

[–]imaunitard 1 point2 points ago

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This is why "What to Expect When You're Expecting Ninjas" was never written.

[–]blayd -1 points0 points ago

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well, nobody expected the spanish inquisition either

[–]Man_of_words 38 points39 points ago

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For those curious: the full article.

[–]EarthMandy 16 points17 points ago

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Sooo.... it turns out this is all pretty fucked up. How, exactly, is she a ninja?

[–]mach-2 60 points61 points ago

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2 knives = shurikens

meat cleaver = katana

Suddenly attacked = stealth( element of surprise)

Old lady = master of disguise/ unexpected

61 years old = master/sensei.

[–]GReggzz732 6 points7 points ago

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I immedietely knew it was the "Trentonian" before I even saw the the picture. All I needed to know was that it was from an NJ newspaper and it was in "WTF".

[–]simplyxstatic 2 points3 points ago

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Ah, the Trentonian- my home room teacher in high school always made fun of the headlines.

[–]PhightingPhils 1 point2 points ago

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[–]thisismymoniker 2 points3 points ago

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The Trentonian is one of the worst publications I have ever tried to read in my entire life. There is absolutely no regard for spelling, grammar, or punctuation. It's painful to read. My middle- & high- school teachers also used the papers as examples of how not to write.

[–]larrisonw 1 point2 points ago

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Yep. The newspaper headlines are always hilarious, but i'd never buy it.

[–]GReggzz732 1 point2 points ago

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Exactly, it's the kind of newspaper (I wouldn't even want to call it that) that you read while you wait for your porkroll, egg and cheese to come off that grill.

[–]dyngan 27 points28 points ago

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[–]lookingforuser 12 points13 points ago

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I love this line:

They also failed to notice a ninja, Nathan Smith, standing in the shadows outside the dojo.

[–]lotictrance 2 points3 points ago

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I wonder if he was just on guard or something, like, is there always a ninja hiding in stealth outside the dojo, just in case?

[–]Saixan 6 points7 points ago

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I need to find this dojo.

[–]callmeWia 1 point2 points ago

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[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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That Sensei was way too excited about being a Ninja to be an actual Ninja.

[–]Iwantitnow 21 points22 points ago

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It's a Jersey thing.

[–]yourmansconnect 10 points11 points ago

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They just dont know..973

[–]mattwaver 12 points13 points ago

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973 REPRESENT!! you're the first 973-er I've met on reddit. Keep it real.

[–]Venatrys 8 points9 points ago

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psh I live in 973 but 609 forever

[–]bexinc 6 points7 points ago

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I'm a 201...so close. But you'll find a bunch of other people in the area over in r/newjersey! We have a meetup happening this Friday!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Call me old fashioned, but I had to urban dictionary "keep it real"

[–]I_KeepsItReal 3 points4 points ago

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You could've just asked

[–]4RN8Z 2 points3 points ago

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4 months and 1 day. Well done.

[–]Jensen189 1 point2 points ago

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With our powers combined.

[–]luxury_yacht 1 point2 points ago

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973 here, right on the border of 201

[–]drak0 3 points4 points ago

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Hey! I was from the 973 too! Although I grew up in a tiny town in a valley, you're probably far away from where I lived.

[–]daMagistrate67 1 point2 points ago

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mark me up as more of a 732 kinda guy

[–]BriMcC 1 point2 points ago

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Oh please, this happened in Trenton. 609 all the way.

[–]RudeTurnip 1 point2 points ago

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No, it's a shit hole known as Trenton thing.

[–]sircrowbar 16 points17 points ago

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"Ad... Adventure Time?"

[–]drgojirax 2 points3 points ago

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I knew someone would post that response before I would. Exactly the way I would have done it, too.

[–]alteron808 1 point2 points ago

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Adventure Time, come on grab your knives, we'll go to very distant fights...

[–]whitebait01 16 points17 points ago

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imbedding

ಠ_ಠ

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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You + your mom = inbredding.

[–]alteron808 2 points3 points ago

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Me + flour + yeast = inbreading.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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[–]ruinedlives 15 points16 points ago

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"The woman, she said, had secreted the knives..."

This woman has a KNIFE GLAND!

[–]zarisin 6 points7 points ago

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It sits right next to your inflammatory gland (allows you to catch things on fire) and automaticweaponry gland (ability to produce live fire weapons). Some elderly people tend to get cancer in one of these three, usually the inflammatory gland, but I think this lady got it in the cutlery gland. It's such a shame because he body is now producing 100X more knives than she needs and the only thing she thinks she can do to rid herself of them is attack others. If she had just gone and seen the awesomologist, he could have prevented this sudden outbreak of ninja skills.

[–]TheHerbalGerbil 11 points12 points ago

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imbedding

What the fuck?

[–]Rand0mNZ 12 points13 points ago

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61 = elderly?

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]i_vocaroo_you 4 points5 points ago

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I hope it's fun-time.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s06n1KU2xnY4

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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You cut off the part where we find out what time it was.

[–]Texas_Pete 4 points5 points ago

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Only in Trenton.

[–]ReverendJohnson 1 point2 points ago

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Ninjas With Attitude: Straight outta Trenton

[–]SolHeiM 8 points9 points ago

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"It's time to kick ass and chew bubble-gum, and I'm all outta gum."

[–]efink009 6 points7 points ago

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"imbedding"

i doubt the validity of this newspaper somewhat

[–]Richeh 4 points5 points ago

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"You know what time it is, bitch, you know what time it is!

...what time is it?

..where am I?

...who are you?"

[–]divinesleeper 4 points5 points ago

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I like to imagine the other woman murdered her husband thirty years ago and all this time she had been training to get her revenge.

[–]Icutyourbrakes 4 points5 points ago

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This looks to be the trentonian...being from the area they sell this paper and just south of trenton this paper has gems all of the time...not sure the year but in the 80's a mental hospital burnt down during the Christmas holiday and their headline..."Roasted Nuts" pretty sure they got guff for that

[–]MasonJoody 3 points4 points ago

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Look, I know a lot of Reddit isn't from New Jersey so this may seem bizarre and hilarious to all of you. To us NJ residents, however, it should come as no surprise that a 61-year-old woman would need to have ninja skills and the balls to call someone a "bitch" in order to survive day-to-day life in Trenton.

[–]Ellinika 2 points3 points ago

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Trenton suburb resident here: this is from the Trentonian. Is basically NJ's version of a shock newspaper. They're always showing really gory pictures from shootings and stuff, they have a "page 6" girl and have few, if any, relevant news material, besides sports.

[–]rfhofk 3 points4 points ago

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Colonel Stinkmeaner?

[–]The_Commander 2 points3 points ago

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And the woman looked around, horrified, unable to discern where the voice was coming from...

[–]Balubber_Mc_Fishsoup 2 points3 points ago

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Great, now I got the song "Rollin'" by Limp Bizkit stuck in my head again...

[–]fish619407 2 points3 points ago

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Master Splinter was never to be underestimated.

[–]jonbowen 2 points3 points ago

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I don't think 61 is considered elderly.

[–]WeatherResize 4 points5 points ago

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More like r/awesome!

[–]JizzPoweredSteamboat 6 points7 points ago

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RAWESOME!

[–]what_american_dream 1 point2 points ago

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How far will a gallon of jizz power a steamboat?

[–]790FM 4 points5 points ago

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Gotta love NJ

[–]herpty_derpty 1 point2 points ago

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Vader Time?

[–]Nrcs 1 point2 points ago

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Conditions are perfect... There's nothing good on TV... Conditions are perfect!

[–]hoopycat 1 point2 points ago

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Does anybody really know what time it is?

[–]haddock420 1 point2 points ago

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Tenacious D time, ya mother fucker go!

[–]Mikey-2-Guns 1 point2 points ago

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....Hammer time?!

[–]Ceejae 1 point2 points ago

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This isn't WTF, that is just standard ninja conversation.

[–]whatwasigonnasay 1 point2 points ago

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You've got to be kidding me with these played out titles. Come on.

[–]yourmansconnect 1 point2 points ago

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Someone make a granny ninja video game

[–]nouveaux21 1 point2 points ago

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IT'S GOOFY TIME!!!

[–]LedgerJessy23 1 point2 points ago

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Oh god what paper? I hope it's the star ledger.

[–]takeme2infinity 1 point2 points ago

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Adventure Time !!

[–]kajamakat 1 point2 points ago

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This story sounds like a scene from Kill Bill 3.

[–]bozzwtf 1 point2 points ago

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Man I love NJ

[–]seeuspacecowboy 1 point2 points ago

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This is why we need to stop making violent video games, the elderly population is far too impressionable.

[–]kisforkat 1 point2 points ago

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I miss my home state. Can't wait to be back for the summer!

[–]Girlshatebrian[!] 1 point2 points ago

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The Spin Doctor's replied, "4:30?"

[–]thisismymoniker 1 point2 points ago

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Hahaha you deserve many upvotes

[–]AzureBlu 1 point2 points ago

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STOP. HAMMERTIME!

[–]rcgarcia 1 point2 points ago

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[–]WendyLRogers3 1 point2 points ago

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The romanticization of ninjas has long made me curl my lip.

Ninjas were originally very young orphans, or children taken from or sold by their parents, to be abusively trained as "one use" assassins. They were utterly expendable and held lower social rank than the lowest class, fishermen. Zero honor.

If they were killed while trying to murder whatever noble lord they had been sent to kill, nobody cared. If they failed to kill him and were chased off, or even accomplished their mission and returned home, they would be killed by their owner to conceal the evidence, as it was seen as very bad taste for nobles to send assassins against other nobles.

As early as the Meiji Restoration (1868), though the ninja were long gone, they were romanticized in Japan, to make them seem dashing, daring, and relevant. Which is about as realistic as Italian Hercules movies.

[–]STYLIE 1 point2 points ago

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61 is elderly? That's not even retirement age.

[–]IamZimbra 1 point2 points ago

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[–]Kendown 1 point2 points ago

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What teenager wrote the article? Who calls someone 61, elderly??

[–]SexyPengu1n 1 point2 points ago

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Geez.. people get so touchy when you ask for the time...

[–]oldballz 1 point2 points ago

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As an older redditor I would like to point out that referring to a 61 year old as "Elderly" hurt my feelings and with all due respect I would invite the author of that headline to go fuck themselves.

[–]ciscomd 1 point2 points ago

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61 is elderly now? Yes, very WTF.

[–]cornponious 2 points3 points ago*

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It definitely goes in WTF, because 61 is not elderly.

EDIT: It

[–]OMROKER 1 point2 points ago

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its clobbering time!

[–]Duhbill 1 point2 points ago

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False. Ninjas don't use meat clevers.

[–]JesusChristophe 7 points8 points ago

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Clever, but FALSE.

Ninja use the best available weapon at-hand. Cleavers included.

[–]TheDespondentZombie 4 points5 points ago

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Especially a ninja disguised as a butcher. True ninja hide in plain sight.

[–]Richeh 6 points7 points ago

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Pfff, that's what they tell the fat ninja kid who can't keep up.

True ninja hide on the fucking ceiling.

[–]TheDespondentZombie 2 points3 points ago

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I am currently looking at my ceiling and see a total of zero ninja so I believe you are correct.

[–]zenmunster 2 points3 points ago

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Ninja bring death with any instrument. You no hear of decapitation by butter knife?? It is slow painful death.

[–]warpinator 0 points1 point ago

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Sometimes I love living in Jersey.

[–]Megadanxzero 0 points1 point ago

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[–]hicerion 0 points1 point ago

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I'm pretty sure we can just say that most things from Jersey belong here.

[–]BearsFan24 0 points1 point ago

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I thought all the crazy shit happened in Australia.

[–]kryptick 0 points1 point ago

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I want to read the rest of the article! Granni had a meat cleaver? WTF

[–]CaptainBus 0 points1 point ago

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Elderly ninja wait in the shadows of charity shops. They strike without fear ...or bladder control.

[–]bobo333 0 points1 point ago

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of course, it would be from jersey

[–]blankey2 0 points1 point ago

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Uh. Ninja time?

[–]OfeyDofey 0 points1 point ago

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I <3 NJ

[–]arieleislittle 0 points1 point ago

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I'm from NJ! What paper was this in?!

[–]Carstin 0 points1 point ago

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The only thing that could have made the article even more fucked up was if it was written by Bill Murray!

[–]Kuhio_Prince 0 points1 point ago

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Chico time?

[–]_whatever_you_like_ 0 points1 point ago

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NJ is full of ninjas.

[–]the_denizen 0 points1 point ago

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That does need to be a story. I, a writer, shall undertake this commission!

[–]Heyheypeeps 0 points1 point ago

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It's business time...

[–]jwallace582 0 points1 point ago

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How does one hold 3 knives and a meat cleaver?

[–]LegacyBen2213 0 points1 point ago

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I cannot stop laughing. No matter how hard I try.

[–]mhorlick 0 points1 point ago

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perhaps you should make sure this goes here before posting next time

[–]cannotlogon 0 points1 point ago

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TIL elderly ninjas don't wear watches.

[–]weinerdudley 0 points1 point ago

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Another reason im proud to say I live in the garden state..

[–]NotVerySmarts 0 points1 point ago

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Sometimes it pays to own a watch.

[–]SpikeDirt 0 points1 point ago

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I remember when the Roger Clemens sorry came out...the Trentonian had on the cover page..."He Takes It In The Butt!"...The Trentonian is the shit...

[–]hookeman 0 points1 point ago

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Source Please. And dont tell me this is from lemondogs 3rd edition because then i have seen it all. Fucking Shoulderblades!

[–]TannerLynn1 0 points1 point ago

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I wanna read the whole article

[–]stonak10 0 points1 point ago

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I grew up in Trenton, ninja attacks are a common occurrence here. Keeps the citizens in line.

[–]Diabolicism 0 points1 point ago*

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As a person from Jersey, This behaviour is normal. Two years or so ago, we had a person from here decapitate an intruder in their home with a Katana.

Edit - Source

[–]theNinjahs 0 points1 point ago

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We do not discriminate based on age.

[–]long_wang_big_balls 0 points1 point ago

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three knives, including a meat clever

She doesn't muck around. Holy shit.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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According to a previous comment above, it was her skull. She cut her ear off.

[–]porkfatty 0 points1 point ago

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She's muff cabbage!

[–]bularon 0 points1 point ago

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SUPER NINJA VANISH THROWS FIRE EXTINGUISHER ON FLOOR POOF

[–]UrbanDescentia 0 points1 point ago

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r/nocontext material if I've ever seen it.

[–]wittystonecat 0 points1 point ago*

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Some more great stories from The Trentonian...

http://imgur.com/qIt1b

http://imgur.com/6e2sh

http://imgur.com/mfeMG

[–]Kobrazx 0 points1 point ago

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holy shit! i live in Trenton, NJ O.o

[–]VidenTheColdOne 0 points1 point ago

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Dear god, I live in Trenton. What paper was this from?

[–]WAMP_WAMP 0 points1 point ago

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Oh' Rowan Towers....place is so hood

[–]DegeneratePaladin 0 points1 point ago

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I love my state.

[–]stimilon 0 points1 point ago

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How come if you search any of these phrases in google this post is the only result? What paper did it come from? What day?

[–]whut 0 points1 point ago

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Yes. I do, in fact, know what time it is.

[–]jacobsaarela 0 points1 point ago

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"It's for OLD times sake!"

[–]GReggzz732 0 points1 point ago

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Oh God....is this from the Trentonian???

[–]exomiller 0 points1 point ago

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gloryhole gladiator

[–]CFGX 0 points1 point ago

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As a New Jersey native, this is perfectly normal. Trenton is a known elderly ninja training camp.

[–]megganmuffins 0 points1 point ago

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we've all been had, ninjas don't age and women can't possibly yield more than one kitchen utensil at time. let's be real.

[–]Box_of_Shit 0 points1 point ago

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..was it Tool Time?

[–]becomingk 0 points1 point ago

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Today I'm thankful that my office has security guards. Good ole' Trenton, keeping it classy.

[–]nicetryguy6 0 points1 point ago

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This also happened in 2007

[–]ahydell 0 points1 point ago

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WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY KENNETH?

[–]Beeslo 0 points1 point ago

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Ninjas don't announce themselves! And they certainly don't leave their victims alive to talk to the police. What a horrible ninja. You'd think they'd be a pro at this considered she was over 60 years old.

[–]thefilmjerk 0 points1 point ago

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I didn't know Bill Murray's brother still wrote for that paper.

[–]Nj_all_day 0 points1 point ago

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We have a magazine called "Weird NJ" so stuff like this does not surprise me.

[–]a066684 0 points1 point ago

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I enjoyed the title. Now I dislike you for not including the rest of the story! Haha I must search for it...

[–]DeadbyDagger 0 points1 point ago

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Trenton? Must be the Trentonian. I live around that area. If its the same paper, they are known for they're golden headlines ad stories. Hahaha always get a laugh.