this post was submitted on
1,320 points (52% like it)
12,323 up votes 11,003 down votes

funny

subscribe2,496,394 readers

8,197 users here now

NEW! No gore or porn (including sexually graphic images). Other NSFW content must be tagged as such

Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

top 200 commentsshow all 344

[–]ararphile 645 points646 points ago*

Holy shit, I made that a while ago (at least a year, I think). Posted it on /b/ as a new thread, back when it was ok to say "I'll just leave it here." Got no responses. I got the picture of the dog from some wikipedia article.

Edit: Found the article.

[–]mynameisIAIN 173 points174 points ago

Upvote for not being mad about repost.

[–]FadedPoster 72 points73 points ago

How could he be mad? Going full circle on the internet over a whole year sounds pretty damn self-validating to me.

[–]OleDaneBoy 36 points37 points ago

Plus it's been a year and he's not a woman so hes over it.

[–]alive41stime 22 points23 points ago

It was a good decision not to go through with the sex change.

[–]sudsomatic 17 points18 points ago

Have a consolatory upvote

[–]JimmehFTW 36 points37 points ago

I'd put this shit on a resume

[–]alive41stime 11 points12 points ago

In today's job market, my resume feels like toilet paper too.

[–]ethy787 14 points15 points ago

That shit's crazy.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago

The baboon's ass in the linked wiki article is what's crazy.

[–]glassy125 6 points7 points ago

That shit *cray

[–]jareh 1 point2 points ago

Ain't it Jay?

[–]MnBran6 2 points3 points ago

What she order?

[–]wakinupdrunk 2 points3 points ago

Steak.

[–]Samiracle 1 point2 points ago

Fish Filet?

[–]OfMyFlesh 1 point2 points ago

Your whip so cold!

[–]TheMoogle420 13 points14 points ago

[–]obeythametal 10 points11 points ago

[–]space-pirate 191 points192 points ago

"One of my fetishes is girls that can't read"

"You mean, like, children?"

[–]KrishnaS124 75 points76 points ago

dear god where is the quote from

[–]space-pirate 25 points26 points ago

I thought this joke up myself in the shower yesterday. I've been trying to think up a proper way to deliver the joke, and then this thread popped up!

[–]space_monster 3 points4 points ago

arrrgghhh

[–]space-pirate 2 points3 points ago

Ahoy, are we related?

[–]space_monster 3 points4 points ago

bleeuuuurgh

[–]Incongruity7 8 points9 points ago

I thought this joke up myself in the shower yesterday

girls that can't read... children

ಠ_ಠ

[–]UnderDogs 11 points12 points ago

A space pirate

[–]space-pirate 7 points8 points ago

Thanks, I thought this joke up myself!

[–]rooftoptile 4 points5 points ago

I too would like to know

[–]space-pirate 4 points5 points ago

I thought this joke up myself in the shower yesterday. I've been trying to think up a proper way to deliver the joke, and then this thread popped up! I'm glad you liked it.

[–]kaede1s 5 points6 points ago

Your joke deserves a better fate than this. :'(

[–]mactheo 5 points6 points ago

This comic is sort of relevant, strangely.

[–]Funktapus 2 points3 points ago

"hella_puzzled.mpeg"

That's pretty solid.

[–]space-pirate 1 point2 points ago

oh yeah baby, you try and figure that book out. Conjugate them verbs... sound it out all slow like... Mmm maybe visit a library later, get some adult reading classes.... so fiiiiine...

[–]legendhairymonkey 92 points93 points ago

... you must be young, wait a few years. The shame will fade.

[–]Anonymous2332 69 points70 points ago

Or what OP is watching is young...

[–]DeSanti 28 points29 points ago

Then I suppose waiting a few years wont help. . .

[–]malenkydroog18 10 points11 points ago

Yeah, too old then.

[–]alive41stime 4 points5 points ago

Why can't we ever win?????

[–]AngryJozh 19 points20 points ago

I am 15... When will the shame go away?!?!

[–]zanhoshi 46 points47 points ago

I'm 28. You should never stop wondering about yourself. What you are, why you are that way, etc. You don't just suddenly get a year older and completely understand yourself. My dad's in his 60's now and still battles these same thoughts.

[–]MorallyStarved 42 points43 points ago

You got philosophy in my funny!

[–]opopi123 5 points6 points ago

you got funny in my philosophy! Are we inventing something?

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

You are reinventing something wonderful.

[–]AngryJozh 8 points9 points ago

Thanks for the wise words sir.

I really appreciate them. I really did.

[–]Bruce_SteenSteen 16 points17 points ago

You see, son: man is designed to spread his seed. If you don't masturbate, you may be suppressing your urges. You may become a threat to yourself or to society. So masturbate for your children, and your children's children. If your mom walks in, tell her to get the fuck out, like you would if you were pooping. You may never understand it, but you have to release it.

-Bruce_SteenSteen, 19 years old, 9 years of porn surfing, shame-free for 3 years

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]AngryJozh 7 points8 points ago

Thank you sir.

I'll make sure i masturbate for my children.

[–]The_Turbinator 2 points3 points ago

But don't overdo it, that will kill your inner subconscious desire to acquire real women. And that's not good for your future children.

Think of the children!

[–]Gimli_The_Dwarf 3 points4 points ago

The Afters?

Never.

[–]awesomemanftw 1 point2 points ago

I'm 16, it went around fairly quickly

[–]AngryJozh 1 point2 points ago

But then again you're awesomemanftw. :/

[–]Pumpizmus 2 points3 points ago

[–]edeyecus 8 points9 points ago

This subreddit makes me feel like I am reading some religious subreddit

[–]AngryJozh 2 points3 points ago

I don't think i'm ready to give it up...

And it's not like a fap 7 times per day...

I only fap when there ain't nothing else to do.

3 or 4 times a week, i think.

[–]its_just_who_i_am 3 points4 points ago

I never feel shame, not once.

[–][deleted] 266 points267 points ago

I fapped to a male transvestite fucking a female transvestite. it was a male woman fucking a woman man, shit was so inception.

[–]cohrt 120 points121 points ago

its not gay if a penis goes in a vagina

[–]MelsEpicWheelTime 225 points226 points ago

But it's a vagina going into a penis.

[–]EYE_CATCHING_NAME 82 points83 points ago

So deep...

[–]zanhoshi 52 points53 points ago

Only 6 inches...

[–]which_comet_am_i 32 points33 points ago

That's what he said?

[–]HappyStance 55 points56 points ago

[–]AcneVulgaris 62 points63 points ago

He should have said transvestMITE. TranvesTITES hang from the ceiling.

[–]DementedCrazoid 17 points18 points ago

Worst cave ever.

[–]Thick-McRunFast 13 points14 points ago

Oh god...What the hell kind of caves are these??!!

[–]biggmclargehuge 4 points5 points ago

family vacation is cancelled this year

[–]Thick-McRunFast 1 point2 points ago

:(

But what about Buff Drinklots, or Blast Hardcheese? They don't want to come??

[–]doesnotexist1000 1 point2 points ago

Transvestite

You keep using that word..

But hell, princess bride reference, karmaaa away

[–]DicksonYamada 28 points29 points ago

Yo dawg...

[–]Vondi 21 points22 points ago

link for the lazy?

[–]TheFlyingSuchness 4 points5 points ago

ಠ_ಠ.....................................................................yes, someone help Vondi on his or her quest.

[–][deleted] ago*

[deleted]

[–]mainstreaminghipster 11 points12 points ago

in a bus.

why is japan so fucked up?

[–]Anonymous2332 23 points24 points ago

That must be hard for you.

[–]malenkydroog18 8 points9 points ago

Ha! Ha! It almost sounds like you're referring to his erection!

[–]Gimli_The_Dwarf 2 points3 points ago

No squid?

[–]shorty6049 1 point2 points ago

That sounds, at the least, pretty entertaining ...

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Chiddaling 2 points3 points ago

Fap veteran over here.

Thank you for your service.

[–]TimesWasting 1 point2 points ago

Was that the video where the girl is wearing fishnets and the guy is wearing really baggy pants and has really corny short black hair? I love that video except for the music. I fucking hate music in porn.

If not, give me that video! I can't find enough of this type of stuff

[–]viiScorp 22 points23 points ago

That's how I feel every time I look back after a particularly vicious session and think "fuck everyone in house probably heard that..."

Fappers regret, man.

[–]DCBizzle 43 points44 points ago

What's the most sensitive part of a mans body when he masturbates?

His ears.

-rim-shot-

[–]Imsoo 105 points106 points ago

Gap, gag, midget, animal,

Slave, pregnant, hentai,

I don't even know who I am anymore;

I just want it in High definition.

[–]WomenRGr8t 12 points13 points ago

Links? I've looking to get into some new stuff.

[–]Imsoo 24 points25 points ago*

Reddit introduced me to tblop (nsfw obviously).

[–]TomHanks12 2 points3 points ago

how do you favorite this, but never want anyone to know you did so?

[–]r1a 1 point2 points ago

just remember tblop

[–]lancerevo98 1 point2 points ago

the question that plagues many a man

[–]AngryJozh 15 points16 points ago

Pregnant porn just turns me on... Idk i just have a thing for pregnant women!!

I'm not the only one :D

[–]Boomanchu 63 points64 points ago

Above post stating that you are 15.

ಠ_ಠ

[–]AL_CaPWN422 32 points33 points ago

AND HE CLICKED THAT HE WAS 18!

[–]AngryJozh 13 points14 points ago

I LIED!!!

[–]AL_CaPWN422 4 points5 points ago

It's scum like you that I put up with to make porn sites legitimate with appropriately aged visitors and completely true advertisements. The artists need their wonderful acting appreciated only by those who are allowed to and nobody that just goes to fapfapfap.

[–]Chiddaling 10 points11 points ago

You know...it's that age. His hormones are acting up.

[–]WhatThePenis 10 points11 points ago

I'm 14. I'm into lesbian shit, because hey, no penises!

[–]Casey77 5 points6 points ago

The point of the penis in porn is so that you can imagine yourself as the dude plowing the girl.

[–]WhatThePenis 1 point2 points ago

But my penis tends to feel intimidated by much larger penises.

[–]Casey77 1 point2 points ago

You must BE the penis.

[–]AngryJozh 9 points10 points ago

That's the way i saw it a while ago...

But then you're going to start missing something in lesbian porn and you're going to come back to pee-pees and wee-wee's.

[–]AKATS_GOODS_ 28 points29 points ago

Yeah.. thats kind of fucked up

[–]KrishnaS124 18 points19 points ago

why's that matter?

[–]sampearl1 8 points9 points ago

And.... your point is? People have their own interests, age is irrelevant.

[–]Grand_Theft_Audio 1 point2 points ago

I am afraid to see Gap or Hentai in the wild...what are they? No links, please.

[–]blenderdut 6 points7 points ago

I think "gap" was ment to be "gape" which is basically anal with really big things, and hentai is anime porn.

[–]takeme2infinity 10 points11 points ago

About to climax and your mom crosses your mind. Jizz and then think about what I just did T.T

[–]Shyamallamadingdong 7 points8 points ago

Yeah your mom crosses my mind when I'm going to climax, too.

[–]Fraggled 8 points9 points ago

This is how a feel after spending the entire day on the internet

[–]AssClownFUCK 4 points5 points ago

Me too, I'm wasting my life away. ...Oh well

[–]starkravingmad_91 9 points10 points ago

This is what I think when I ejaculate, with like five tabs of different types of porn open in front of me, my dick is in an old, crusty sock, and I realize I'm late to school because I took half an hour masturbating.

[–]thebenzy 55 points56 points ago

It's the shemales that get me in the shame zone...dammit

[–]Related_Furry_Porn 37 points38 points ago

Smurfette Zombie Murder Porn with Guns for me. Eh, who am I kidding, I have no shame zone.

[–]ranthria 12 points13 points ago

Let's be honest though, that's actually fairly light. There's no blood.

[–]Related_Furry_Porn 21 points22 points ago

[–]pizzaazzip 7 points8 points ago

what is the point of this account? Its kinda awesomely creepy

[–]KERUWA 3 points4 points ago

Why did I click this link? Brain, you have some explaining to do.

[–]TimesWasting 23 points24 points ago

shemale seems to be a pretty common fetish that doesn't even have anything to do with "gay." Just sucks its such a shameful thing to admit.

[–]iamnotimportant 6 points7 points ago

I'll admit it online with you. does that help?

[–]alcoholic_frolic 1 point2 points ago

"Sheme-ful"

[–]MadeForTeaVea 11 points12 points ago

A swing and a miss.

[–]Grand_Theft_Audio 16 points17 points ago

A swing and a Ms.

[–]cjb630 11 points12 points ago

Bailey Jay.

[–]hywelinesh 8 points9 points ago

Amputees for me...

[–]anaalius 8 points9 points ago

Both for me...

[–]viiScorp 12 points13 points ago

Both at the same time. :/

[–]Gimli_The_Dwarf 1 point2 points ago

Only thing that makes vore porn survivable is that it's not furries.

[–]moving-target 1 point2 points ago

this. Today, I was watching porn, shemale jumped in group. Never attracted when not masturbating. But turned me on when it was happening. Felt horrible after it was over. Wtf brain?

[–]tawayokay 4 points5 points ago

I had a fetish of really violent porn, like that gagging deepthroat where the girls are like almost passing out, or anything where the girl is really submissive. But I must say ever since I've been in love with a girl my porn interest have just turned to softcore Korean porn my orgasms are at least 20 times better and I don't feel bad after.

[–]CapnDanDan 3 points4 points ago

Its funny 'cause its true… sobs gently into my pillow

[–]hampsterwheel 32 points33 points ago

No shame. If you enjoy it and no one gets hurt then nothing wrong has happened.

[–]jcmc2112 52 points53 points ago

I don't know, man. Sometimes you can't tell whether those Asian screams are of pain or pleasure.

[–]alive41stime 7 points8 points ago

True, we need to watch more film, for uh, analysis...

[–]logifal 28 points29 points ago

/r/NoFap

It actually can fuck with your head.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]r1a 1 point2 points ago

/r/stopreddit tried I think. people there are so successful they don't go on reddit to update. that or nobody leaves reddit.

[–]fonetiklee 10 points11 points ago

Why the hell does that exist?

[–]PinkNeonBowser 1 point2 points ago

This is interesting, some of what he says seems to make alot of sense just from my experiences. Think I will give up the internet porn for awhile(I can't see stopping altogether), couldn't hurt at this point.

[–]alive41stime 8 points9 points ago

Because a lot of people mind-fuck themselves into thinking it has something to do with their experiences with real women.

It doesn't.

Been through that mind-fuck...

[–]DrSmoke 3 points4 points ago

Try watching the entire yt video. Its only 15 minutes, and interesting.

[–]Vadoff 1 point2 points ago*

Here's the TED talk: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zif0_60b3WU

Edit: TEDx not TED

[–]serrit 16 points17 points ago

Nofap is actually remarkable for this.

[–]alive41stime 6 points7 points ago

Remarkably stupid.

[–]malenkydroog18 1 point2 points ago

Why?

[–]Beretot 1 point2 points ago

[–]OmegaArcadia 57 points58 points ago

[–]micahd98 9 points10 points ago

Why is this a .gif?

[–]Willbo 12 points13 points ago

Wait for it.

[–]OmegaArcadia 16 points17 points ago

Because it is? How the hell should I know?

[–]micahd98 5 points6 points ago

Sorry, just wondering why it was labeled as a .gif, when it doesn't move and I thought that since you posted it, you might know.

[–]Contralto 10 points11 points ago

An image does not need to be animated to be a .gif

[–]OmegaArcadia 7 points8 points ago

No problem. I just have literally no idea.

[–]NottheCyberPolice 1 point2 points ago

jpg vs gif

tl;dr gif keeps the original quality much better.

[–]hierocles 1 point2 points ago

Did this literally just happen? What have reaction gifs done to the world?

[–]Average-as-hell 2 points3 points ago

Sometimes I don't actually recognise myself in a mirror and have nightmares about it also

[–]Jimmy_Russel 1 point2 points ago

It's okay, you have a large prefrontal cortex that allows you to recognize yourself in the mirror, and dogs don't. Don't commit suicide.

[–]apullin 2 points3 points ago

I could show you some porn that would really really really make you reflect on that pretty hard.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

Thou shall not thyself by the porn which you fap to. Just as you would not judge another.

[–]IHv2RtrnSumVdeotapes 2 points3 points ago

I know exactly who I am after I watch porn. A horny man. And I'm very happy about that.

[–]nofaplife 22 points23 points ago

[–]gregthewhat 14 points15 points ago

What's the point of that I wonder

[–]okadery 19 points20 points ago

It's to resensitize people who've become addicted to porn to the point where they find themselves incapable of pursuing real women, whether it be due to low self-esteem or the fact that real women don't do it for them anymore. It actually did help me get better with the ladies.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]okadery 10 points11 points ago

I don't know how to explain it and I didn't believe it at first. It's just that after I stopped masturbating, I felt more masculine, more worthy of talking to women. It was like when I fapped I was releasing everything that made me male. But now I'm keeping it, and channeling the urge to fap into other things. I don't think anyone understands until they try it, and I wouldn't say the effects are the same for everyone.

[–]Apocol0id 1 point2 points ago

My take on it is, fapping is selfish. You're trying so hard to please yourself, that you become inwardly focused. Inward focus leads to an enhanced perception of personal flaws, fears, inadequacies. Therefore, fapping makes you a social wreck. Your self esteem goes through the floor because your selfish personal life has brought to light every horrible aspect of yourself that would naturally go unheeded if you were more outwardly focused.

So basically, if you fap enough, you're all that exists to you. And when it's nothing but you, you hate yourself. And when you hate yourself, you think other people do. So you become a ball of self loathing. Limiting fapping makes you a better person overall because it begins a perspective shift.

[–]alive41stime 8 points9 points ago

Nope. Just mind-fucking yourself.

[–]SirTrollALot 1 point2 points ago

So you become a ball of self loathing.

I think that's your initial problem.

[–]Toof 10 points11 points ago

[–]TroubleInTheCosmos 8 points9 points ago

Interesting TEDx talk on it

FTFY

[–]Recall_Coordinator 4 points5 points ago

r/sexualfrustration more like.

[–][deleted] ago*

[deleted]

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]houghty 5 points6 points ago

Fun fact: while dogs cannot recognize themselves in a mirror, cats can.

[–]Aleucard 1 point2 points ago

Heh. I knew I was fucked up over a decade ago; I've accepted it whole-heartedly for one simple reason. It's more fun that way. Normal and sane is boring; I have no intentions of being boring.

[–]OsterGuard 1 point2 points ago

Try fapping to Yaoi after you've just realised you're bi. Shit's fucked up.

[–]PenPenisTaken 1 point2 points ago

then an hour later... http://imgur.com/gallery/gYQpv

[–]kko_ 1 point2 points ago

i've never understood masturbation shame. never once had it.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Rawsheeve 1 point2 points ago

[–]MorbidBullet 1 point2 points ago

It's amazing people feel bad. I never do. Instead I mentally thank the porn crew for helping pleasure me.

[–]DuchessLexy 2 points3 points ago

if you feel guilty after watching porn then please stop watching porn!

i looked at porn magazines when i was a teenager, (my older brother's friend showed them to me. i think he just wanted to have sex with me, the whole situation is messed up and creepy,) and then i watched porn when my family got the internet. i still watch porn to this day.

but i feel dead inside when it comes to sex. when i was younger i felt guilty whenever i watched or looked at porn, but i ignored that feeling and pushed through it.

i think watching so much porn did something to me, because though i haven't had many relationships, the ones i had when i was younger were exciting and full of love and passion. nowadays whenever i'm in a relationship, it feels so dull and meaningless. sex doesn't even feel good after flicking my clit for 15 years. you figure out what you like and do that to have a nice quick orgasm, and then a partner can't do it for you anymore.

i think watching porn desensitized me to the whole sex act and sex in general. i just want a dick and i don't care about the guys anymore. it doesn't feel loving and special at all.

also, i'm not a slut, i've slept with few guys in my life.

[–]keropin 1 point2 points ago

"Sex without sin is like an egg without salt." Some Italian movie director said that. Can't recall the name. But I think there is some truth to it.

[–]uff_yeah 1 point2 points ago

let's all be honest here can you really watch to much porn?

[–]Pop_Off 3 points4 points ago

too

[–]Jakecus 1 point2 points ago

And thus, Nofap

[–]redleif 0 points1 point ago

your username should be TheWhiteMatter

[–]ThePaulium 2 points3 points ago

EVERY FUCKING TIME

[–]Bacon_Hero 7 points8 points ago

Every fucking time

Hehe

[–]porkfatlovins 0 points1 point ago

You are... ready to take a nap.

[–]Glen843 0 points1 point ago

Whoever gets the most upvotes in this thread, I would like to speak to you....never mind I am speechless.

[–]synthesis11 0 points1 point ago

YES YES YES Some one understand me. i am not alone

[–]synthesis11 0 points1 point ago

This has motivated me to watch more porn

[–]Yellowbird00 0 points1 point ago

Every fucking time.

[–]tootsiepoop 0 points1 point ago

I know this feel bro

[–]FrankWalls 0 points1 point ago

is it just me or does that dog look stuffed?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

Thank god I'm not the only one who feels this way.

[–]oh__fuck 0 points1 point ago

My friend told me I'm not gay because I fap to lesbian porn. WHAT AM I REDDIT.

[–]Lurker-alert 0 points1 point ago

Sometimes, I think I'm a robot because I occasionally get boners from looking at computers. Just thought I should get that out there.

[–]VanceDiezel 0 points1 point ago

I didn't think that before, but I will be sure too next time. Thanks for that.

[–]iRevo 0 points1 point ago

It's weird because I think like this every time I fap myself to sleep. Oh man, this is getting personal now. I'm just going to go back to my corner and sob.