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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]PresidentWhitmore 783 points784 points ago

"Pizza is like sex. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good" - somebody

[–]epicGOPfail 199 points200 points ago

yeah.

i was gonna say, i don't get the visual. both pizzas look pretty fucking great to someone who's been on a low carb diet for two months.

fuck it, i'd do them BOTH, at the same time before or after.

or during, Costanza-style

[–]jmack5656 93 points94 points ago

[–]whiteyak41 18 points19 points ago

Well great, now I have to watch A Knights Tale now.

[–]BoringUsername1 24 points25 points ago

Upvote for Seinfeld reference. There is a relevant episode for EVERY life situation!

[–]derpex 8 points9 points ago

keto? :D

[–]aixelsdi 6 points7 points ago

I've been on it 3 months. 40 lbs so far, but I'm dead certain that when I do eventually stop keto I will gorge on pizza.

[–]auralgasm 8 points9 points ago

I don't want to be a downer, but everyone I've ever known who lost a lot of weight on a low carb diet gained it all back when they stopped. Whether it was 25 pounds (a friend) or 200 pounds (my aunt.)

[–]aixelsdi 4 points5 points ago

Oh don't worry, that's only what every single person ever says about dieting low-carb.

All that aside, I'm pretty certain that I will never eat carbs the same way like I did before. I realize they are bad for me, and will adjust my normal diet accordingly.

[–]ANAL_DISCOMFORT 13 points14 points ago

Carbs are not bad for you...eating them in excess (just like everything else) is bad for you

[–]Wreckn 8 points9 points ago

Precisely; anyone willing say an essential nutrient like carbohydrates are 'bad for you' is completely ignorant of the human physiology.

Keto is a type of diet that relies on low intake of carbs to put your body in a state of ketosis. This isn't required to lose weight though, but it is a quick an effective way of doing so. To do any 'fad-diet' and then simply quit after your goals are achieved will result in quickly gaining that weight back right to where you were before, except to feel even more defeated than you did when you were previously at that weight.

The fact of it all is that any diet is worthless without lifestyle change. I lost a ton of weight going on a carb only high-fiber diet and have kept it off for a long time because it fits my lifestyle. If keto is difficult for you, you should probably evaluate why you're doing it in the first place.

[–]onemadnigga 35 points36 points ago

That quote is from Stuart from the movie Threesome.

[–]I_From_Yugoslav 108 points109 points ago

he knew it was somebody

[–]onemadnigga 11 points12 points ago

Close enough...

[–]Craisins_In_My_BHole 2 points3 points ago

I'd definitely make some pizza to lara flynn boyle.

[–]BoringUsername1 11 points12 points ago

I'd still stick my dick in it.

[–]ciavs 51 points52 points ago

[–]King_Rafiki 29 points30 points ago

Barely.

[–]KallistiEngel 5 points6 points ago

It would be flat and much of the water content would have evaporated, leaving a flat, overly-sweet beverage. At least if my experience with a 5 year old bottle of Pepsi was any indication.

[–]DreadNephromancer 2 points3 points ago

From a sealed bottle?

[–]fnordo 119 points120 points ago

I'm 85% sure that pizza on the bottom is from Pepe's. Shame on you OP, shame.

[–]ktupvoter 53 points54 points ago

It definitely is from Pepe's. I can tell from the way its cut and the crust.

[–]4RC 96 points97 points ago

And from seeing quite a few pizzas in your time.

[–]colebluefearn 12 points13 points ago

He can tell by the pepperoni's.

[–]TitillateAnOcelot 12 points13 points ago

I'm not entirely convinced it is from Pepe's; though it is cut in a similar way, I don't think its the exact same. Still looks more delicious than the first one.

[–]sqrt-1loveyou 271 points272 points ago

Ah, the old case of befores and afters.

Usually I feel really weird post ejaculation. It's all fun and games up until that point.

Then it becomes two odd beings squawking at each other while one penetrates the others fleshy insides with a meat stick with a pouch under it.

[–]FlyingPasta 137 points138 points ago

Becomes all science-y and anatomical once your sex-molecules leave.

Trust me, I know science.

[–]carvex 121 points122 points ago

That doesn't sound right, but I don't know enough about sex-molecules to dispute it.

[–]Rampant_Durandal 12 points13 points ago

No, it's right.

[–]shrlock 2 points3 points ago

So if burnt trash becomes stars, what do I have to burn to get sex molecules?

[–]awesomechemist 48 points49 points ago

I peer-reviewed this earlier. It checks out.

[–]SentientPenguin 4 points5 points ago

On the real though, I believe I once read in r/askscience that post ejaculation, chemicals are realsed in the male brain that cause profound sadness.

[–]FlyingPasta 7 points8 points ago

I thought it was because of a large spike in dopamine that quickly goes away, leaving you feeling like crap.

[–]LukaCola 223 points224 points ago

I sometimes think "I'll go for a second fap" because I wanna spend a little longer fapping, so I speed up the first one cause I know the second one takes an eternity to squeeze out, but as soon as I'm done, I just... Don't feel it anymore. It's like, wow, night and day.

That was WAY more descriptive than I intended. Whatever.

[–]katuni08 109 points110 points ago

Every time I see a post like this I imagine it accidentally being posted to your Facebook instead. It's just a hobby I have.

[–]ap0theosis 66 points67 points ago

2 minutes later:

HACKED sorry guys

[–]FECAL_ATTRACTION 13 points14 points ago

I get so angry when I see someone say their Facebook got hacked. Really they're just saying they forgot to log out of Facebook.

[–]too_many_penises 13 points14 points ago

I too used to get mad about that. Then I remembered, everyone is awful, and I can't do anything but hurt them physically.

So, I started doing that.

[–]MaximilianKohler 25 points26 points ago

no, that was perfect.

[–]guywithaphone 11 points12 points ago

EXACTLY. "I'll go again...aw fuck it."

[–]letsjustsee 5 points6 points ago

Thank you.

[–]juelze 2 points3 points ago

That's because it takes 2 hrs to find the perfect picture/video to knock one out; a second fap is quite allusive. Of course it never fails that when you do have a second fap, at the moment of climax the camera zooms in on the dude's face instead of the hot chick.

[–]1st_account_i_swear 107 points108 points ago

maybe it's because I'm from NYC but that pizza on the bottom looks damn good to me

[–]smokey815 28 points29 points ago

It's just because you're human. TOp pizza is meh at best, bottom pizza looks damn good, cutting aside.

[–]Starving_Kids 8 points9 points ago

Wisconsin here, bottom pizza is much more delicious looking. Love me some crispy.

[–]MNico 2 points3 points ago

I'm from Florida and I agree. It could be because I'm picky and only like cheese or pepperoni.

But still, that bottom pizza looks to me like it would taste a lot better than the top one.

[–]PrettyInside 2 points3 points ago

It's clearly the superior pie

[–]Big_Goose 2 points3 points ago

and the pizza on the top looks like standard chain store crap.

[–]IDontShareMyUsername 223 points224 points ago

I would still fuck both of them.

[–]wesman212 90 points91 points ago

I'd rather stick my dick in a steaming delivery pizza than that DiGiorno crap.

[–]IDontShareMyUsername 40 points41 points ago

Sounds painful.

[–]wesman212 33 points34 points ago

Not if you're a true pizza man. Then the molten cheese dripping on to your junk is just making your love stronger.

[–]wesman212 28 points29 points ago

Oh Pepperoni, I love you when you hurt me so bad.

[–]Hipster_Salieri 17 points18 points ago

"I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door...."

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

[–]Zanhana 2 points3 points ago

You can't rush good pizza.

[–]Cm94 13 points14 points ago

You must get on the front page of r/spacedicks alot.

[–]Shady_Milkman 139 points140 points ago

This OP does not live in NYC, I can assure you that.

[–]buttonforest 20 points21 points ago

Looks like New Haven style pizza. But yeah, I was confused why he was showing us how much better porn is after you whack it.

[–]ribo 1536 points1537 points ago

Honestly, the pizza on the bottom looks much better. Top looks like some digiorno crap.

[–]lvachon 64 points65 points ago

What's up with the fucked up slicing though? I see eight tiny wedges and eight long ass strips of pizza, WTF?

[–]westcoastNL 15 points16 points ago

X marks the spot

[–]PurpleSfinx 3 points4 points ago

Some places just cut them like that.

[–]shuxkcds 31 points32 points ago

This thread is now officially about the pizza on the bottom. Anyone from a decent pizza city knows the pizza on the bottom tastes better.

[–][deleted] 691 points692 points ago

Glad to see at least one person knows pizza in this thread. That shit on top looks like bread dough covered in elmer's glue.

[–]TheFluxCapacitor 36 points37 points ago

That's probably what it is. Food photography is a tricky business.

[–]hemmelight 46 points47 points ago

My Mother is a photographer and she shared a few advertising secrets with me. My favourites are:

  1. The perfect ice cream scoops you see in printed ads and on the tubs are almost always potatoes.

  2. The 'ice' you see all over the product in printed beer ads is actually a weird jelly substance made to look like ice.

[–]SteveTheDude 2 points3 points ago

If I froze that jelly stuff and used it in a drink, would it make a difference?

[–]ChaApex 21 points22 points ago

Probably not that big of a deal, possibly some poisoning and poison related death

[–]scwt 2 points3 points ago

Pleasing taste, some monsterism.

[–]JimMorrisonsCorpse 3 points4 points ago

Yes. Cancer.

[–]Shins 3 points4 points ago

Reminds me of those Japanese plastic food models that look exactly like the real thing. It's probably easier to photograph those models than real food.

[–]Greasy_Animal 384 points385 points ago

Yeah. The pizza on top is trying way too hard

[–]ElderPopTarts 353 points354 points ago

I like my porn like I like my pizza, thin crust, no veggies, made by an old man in a dirty old building.

[–]CannedBeef 111 points112 points ago

And in my mouth.

[–]FlyingPasta 92 points93 points ago

You like porn in your mouth? That's a.. specific fetish.

[–]mortymight 30 points31 points ago

If my mother walked in on me masturbating with a Playboy magazine stuffed in my mouth, I'd probably stop masturbating and then pull up my pants.

[–]Bananas_in_Pajamas 10 points11 points ago

I bet you wouldn't stop if your mother was a midget!

[–]mortymight 25 points26 points ago

How does that make any sense? That's like saying you bet I wouldn't stop masturbating if my dad walk in on me while watching gay porn simply because he is a male and God this comment sounded so much better in my head but I'm too far in to stop so I'm just going to writing until I lose the inspirati

[–]TheoQ99 12 points13 points ago

It's because you love midget porn.

[–]FlyingPasta 15 points16 points ago

[–]Spenzo2006 4 points5 points ago

I've got the same one.

[–]FlyingPasta 2 points3 points ago

Huh.. Wonder why that is.

[–]threenoms 20 points21 points ago

you must have tasty LCD

[–]Commisar_Chronic 13 points14 points ago

You like crust in your porn?

[–]Flavored_Crayons 15 points16 points ago

Stuffed crust.

[–]mygoditshim 10 points11 points ago

I like my porn like I like my pizza, dripping with juices, lots of meat and a little black on the edges.

FTFY

[–]andbruno 31 points32 points ago

The top pic is pizza faking an orgasm. The bottom pizza is genuinely turned on.

[–]QuitoPR 17 points18 points ago

2/10 would not bang.

[–]ColossalJuggernaut 18 points19 points ago

I liked pizza on the bottom before everyone else thought it was cool.

[–]majortom1981 43 points44 points ago

I am glad somebody else agrees. The pizza on the bottom looks like it was cooked in a wood or coal oven. I couldnt figure out what the op meant since the bottom looked better.

[–]BurntDownTheHouse 10 points11 points ago

Wood, coal, or old paper, the bottom pizza definitely looks delicious.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

God pizza i love it so much...

[–]marc4207 9 points10 points ago

Don't you know that's one of Digiorno's new toppings?

[–]simon_C 209 points210 points ago

yeah, thin, slightly charred crust indicative of a brick oven, evenly distributed cheese, not too thick, looks tasty and crispy. Yum.

the one on the top looks fake and shitty.

[–]ktupvoter 41 points42 points ago

The bottom one is from Pepes.

[–]simon_C 9 points10 points ago

where is that?

[–]stallion89 18 points19 points ago

Original one is on Wooster St, in New Haven CT. It's pretty good, but Sally's down the street is much better

[–]splashattack 29 points30 points ago

LIES AND SLANDER!

[–]Patass 9 points10 points ago

i live in ct, i now have something to do

[–]stallion89 15 points16 points ago

I may be a bit biased with the Sally's preference because my grandmother lived nextdoor to the owners for years, but hey any pizza from the New Haven area is better than the slop the rest of the country has

[–]enjo13 11 points12 points ago

So..ya..that's not true. I've had amazing pizza in every single city I've had the pleasure of travelling to (except for maybe Little Rock). You get enough people in one place, someone is going to figure it out.

I always chuckle when someone claims that pizza from one place is magically better than anywhere else.

I suppose I could go full hipster and point out how much better pizza actually from Italy is. I did live there for several years after all:)

[–]stallion89 4 points5 points ago

Da Michele in Napoli, AKA an orgasm in your mouth

[–]splashattack 6 points7 points ago

This is true.

[–]seamouse 2 points3 points ago

This is the second New Haven pizza thread I've encountered in 10 minutes, on different posts. I feel like I'm missing out.

[–]stallion89 2 points3 points ago

[–]CarlGauss 11 points12 points ago

Brooklyn begs to differ.

[–]shramp_stamp 8 points9 points ago

I'm from New Haven originally, lived in Brooklyn for a few years now. I can honestly say that Sally's Apizza on Wooster St. is the best pizza I've ever had. Don't get me wrong, there's great pizza in bk, but nothing gets me wetter than a Sally's mozz.

[–]poesie 2 points3 points ago

I love Apizza Modern, the young upstart.

[–]stallion89 2 points3 points ago

Modern is amazing too. As is John & Maria's in East Haven

[–]PixyFreakingSticks 4 points5 points ago

The point of this is the dirty, greasy one is the one you really want. The one with the bright colors and no flavor? Fuck that shit, yo.

[–]cessna182er 4 points5 points ago

Came here to say this. Absolutely delicious pizza.

[–]nbenzi 2 points3 points ago

what'up new haven! Best pizza ever.

[–]13_0_0_0_0 2 points3 points ago

Came here to say exactly that. My mouth watered at the sight.

[–]schwab002 2 points3 points ago

Yep. I love those long thin slices.

[–]LukaCola 4 points5 points ago

Too greasy for my taste... But it's on its way.

But just in general, thin crust is the way to go. Doesn't even need to be slightly charred if it's fresh enough it will maintain its crunch.

[–]Lucas_Steinwalker 21 points22 points ago

Yeah.. I'm a New Yorker in California. That bottom pizza is making me drool.

Only thing wrong with it is how poorly cut it is.

[–]Li5y 7 points8 points ago

I've been to the place where they made the pizza on the bottom, Pepe's Pizza. It's their "thing" to cut pizzas like that. Looks weird but it tastes amazing!

[–]66xsseldoG 5 points6 points ago

I see. So my pizzas will taste better if I chop it sporadically with a machete?

[–]Li5y 5 points6 points ago

Yup, it's been scientifically proven

[–]BlissfulSon 33 points34 points ago

Came here to say just that. The top looks gross and the bottom looks good, if cut a little funny.

[–]xyroclast 3 points4 points ago

The way I see it is, even pizza crust by itself is delicious. Add sauce, bonus. Add cheese, bonus. Add toppings, bonus.

You never lose with pizza, unless it kills you somehow.

[–]NekkidSnaku 19 points20 points ago

NSFP

[–]kmlweather 57 points58 points ago

The top is Brazzers. The bottom is X-Art

[–]Excentinel 8 points9 points ago

This should be higher up in the thread. Best fucking analysis in here.

[–]kmlweather 4 points5 points ago

I'm largely undiscovered ;)

[–]Bearded_Bicycles 18 points19 points ago

You watch some classy porn.

[–]ZachGates 17 points18 points ago

Boner goggles are even worse than beer goggles. The kind of awful shit a guy can crack one off to is mindblowing, provided the dude is horny enough.

I've definitely suffered masturbator's remorse, staring ruefully at the images that just moments ago were oh so arousing.

[–]thebretandbutter 10 points11 points ago

I prefer the term "Fapper's remorse," rolls off the tongue easier.

[–]Davedz 80 points81 points ago

Someone with bad taste in pizza detected

[–]MrSplean 13 points14 points ago

Doesn't matter, Had Pizza.

[–]BigTrick 22 points23 points ago

haha CHEESE PIZZA

[–]The_Magnificent 1 point2 points ago

Time for another Cheese Pizza thread!

[–]AttilaTetris 23 points24 points ago

Second pizza looks better, love dat crispy crust

[–]Lexpar 52 points53 points ago

Should have used this pizza.

[–]TitusAndroidicus 32 points33 points ago

Fuck my ass with a hammer, that looks delicious.

[–]grape_juice_nigz 35 points36 points ago

[–]TitusAndroidicus 38 points39 points ago

I'm not saying no-- but let's try the handle first.

[–]danthealmighty 2 points3 points ago

This made my imagination hurt.

[–]The_Dirt_McGurt 6 points7 points ago

He should have just used this post which he was was clearly reposting.

Even has the same shitty pizza up top, but at least the bottom one looks like inedible shit.

[–]Boobies_4_Prez 7 points8 points ago

I googled "disgusting pizza" and 1 of the first results was this. Anybody have any experience?

[–]oldsmell 17 points18 points ago

Cheese pizza? Stay away from the CP sicko

[–]cgd2302 3 points4 points ago

I came to point this out. How is this not the top comment?

[–]TheBossIsWatching 2 points3 points ago

Mainly because most Redditors have spent little to no time on 4chan to understand the reference.

[–]DreadNephromancer 2 points3 points ago

If there's cheese on the field, man.

[–]Cyberslasher 23 points24 points ago

So, out of curiosity, the porn looks fake and staged before masturbating, but afterwards, looks like some sort of fresh delivery that was just slightly shaken out of position en route?

[–]thesweetj 8 points9 points ago

I'd rather fuck the bottom pizza.

[–]switch_case 7 points8 points ago

The first pizza looks like DiGiorno.

The second pizza looks like home-ass made brick oven pizza.

I'm not sure I get the point?

[–]Callmewolverine 17 points18 points ago

But, see, the second pizza, although plain, is probably so much more delicious. The first picture is an advertisement from a pizza you bake at home in the oven and the second is some greaseball joint that sells amazing pizza for cheap, with better ingredients.

[–]rakkakka 5 points6 points ago

You obviously have no experience with pizza...

[–]beanso 4 points5 points ago

Oh, this joke again.

[–]TheGreatBlumkin 3 points4 points ago

Bottom one looks pretty damn delicious, and not from a Digornio box

[–]sex_on_wheels 15 points16 points ago

Glad to know I'm not the only one.

[–]PUSSY_FEAST_420 12 points13 points ago

You are never the only one.

[–]lilibrillo 4 points5 points ago

pure reddit wisdom

[–]SteveTheDude 3 points4 points ago

And from such a great mind as PUSSY_FEAST_420.

So wisewisewisewisewise

[–]jwallace582 6 points7 points ago

I kind of want the second pizza...

[–]BigStickNick 5 points6 points ago

Way to not know good pizza

[–]SushiGradeNarwhal 4 points5 points ago

Porn looks better after you've finished?

[–]adds3000 19 points20 points ago

[–]the7nd 45 points46 points ago

My favourite one. Look on her face is priceless. [NSFW]

[–]Crapaholic 51 points52 points ago

I think his face is what makes it funny

[–]Fwish 11 points12 points ago

I agree. A thousand times.

[–]marc4207 9 points10 points ago

I bet you were disappointed when the delivery boy just showed up with regular pizza huh?

[–]yangx 6 points7 points ago

And the guy looks like a complete creepo, you'd think if they can find a good looking girl they can find a reasonably good looking guy.

[–]APiousCultist 2 points3 points ago

He'd look reasonable to me if it wasn't for the "I'm going to facefuck your soul" look he was making.

[–]-MD- 4 points5 points ago

Would prefer the bottom of the two to be honest.

[–]o0tenaciousC 4 points5 points ago

Actually that bottom pizza, aside from being sliced fuckin retardedly, looks delicious that top looks like domino's shit... NYC pizza FTW.

[–]rocketfin 10 points11 points ago

Yeah the second one looks much better. Except it was apparently sliced by someone having a seizure.

[–]scottNOT 32 points33 points ago

Haha, it's the same one! Twice!

[–]ReesesForBreakfast 16 points17 points ago

RES

[–]SuperBicycleTony 2 points3 points ago

I didn't get to appreciate the joke because I never click on the ignored duplicate.

:(

[–]Boxing_Clever 8 points9 points ago

What kind of an unholy, cruel and immoral individual slices pizza like that?

In the Upstate New York city I currently reside in the general pizza cutting trend is to ruin the pie by cutting the entire thing into squares. The first time this happened to me I ran outside screaming at the poor delivery boy before he even had a chance. I believe my exact words were "you motherfuckers cut a round pizza into squares, did you just toss in the towel and tell geometry to fuck itself?" Then I think I proceeded to slam the box onto the lawn in front of the house because that "throw it on the ground" video by Andy Samburg was popular at the time and I am easily influenceable. It is important to note that I may have been drinking heavily and was very hungry. Anyway, my boyfriend at the time calmly walked over to the delivery boy, apologized by saying "don't mind her, she's from Brooklyn" and gave him an extra tip.

From then on he took me very seriously when I told him that I was hungry.

[–]vigaman22 2 points3 points ago

Gooey during and greasy after?

[–]republiquefrancaise 2 points3 points ago

what's with the pattern cut into the bottom one?

[–]jewing 2 points3 points ago

Looks like wolverine's X to me but that's a stretch

[–]tastyhihatwork 2 points3 points ago

I'd take that bottom Pepe's pizza over that piece of crap on top any day.

[–]theweslawson 2 points3 points ago

I much prefer the look of the bottom one. Maybe it's just association but the top one makes me think of DiGiorno. It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno? Yes, obviously you stingy asshole.

[–]hamhead 2 points3 points ago

I'm not really sure what you mean... porn looks better after masturbation?

[–]Chases_Down_Girls 2 points3 points ago

That pizza on the bottom actually looks way better to me, the cheese looks cheap though (on closer inspection I notice a lot of oil, I take the cheese looks cheap back remark).

[–]TylerTheTroll 2 points3 points ago

The second set of pizza looks better to me...

[–]nbenzi 2 points3 points ago

I'll be honest the second pizza looks really, really, delicious right about meow.

[–]Freidhiem 2 points3 points ago

Bottom pizza is better.

[–]Ironic_Creationist 2 points3 points ago

Ahh, Ye olde Cum Clarity. When someone is no longer burdened by the need for sexual pleasure and sees the world for what it is.

[–]BLUNTBILL 2 points3 points ago

New York here, that second pizza looks 100x more appetizing... fail

[–]idma 3 points4 points ago

meh. would still bang

[–]Alexanderh86 1 point2 points ago

I feel the same way towards some of my ex's.

[–]hamslabber_0 4 points5 points ago

The Bottom one looks like real pizza. The one on top looks like the shit you find in the midwest or new england.

[–]Sgt_Insomnia 4 points5 points ago

2nd one looks better to me

[–]HandsomeHeavy 1 point2 points ago

That's some lazy cutting on the latter pizza.

[–]peachykiwi 1 point2 points ago

I would happily eat both of those...

[–]SCBazinga 1 point2 points ago

Oh, so i'm NOT the only one. Whew.

[–]whyyunozoidberg 1 point2 points ago

6/10

might bang again in 15 minutes.

[–]snuphacracka213 1 point2 points ago

PNS: post-nut syndrom

[–]KountZero 1 point2 points ago

I know a lot more people who prefer simple plain cheese pizzas or pepperoni pizzas over shit-load-of-stuff ones lol.

[–]timja27 1 point2 points ago

That second pizza still looks pretty good.

[–]cooltom2006 1 point2 points ago

I personally think the bottom pizza looks nicer :D but i get your point...

[–]marszmallow 1 point2 points ago

what the hell kind of porn do you watch?