funny

[–]zHellas 114 points115 points116 points 5 months ago

[–]Kelldandy 10 points11 points12 points 5 months ago

load more comments (7 replies)

[–]Holy-Snail 611 points612 points613 points 5 months ago

[–]AndyRooney 294 points295 points296 points 5 months ago

[–][deleted] 141 points142 points143 points 5 months ago

[–]SlasherPunk 29 points30 points31 points 5 months ago

load more comments (4 replies)

[–]eat-your-corn-syrup 13 points14 points15 points 5 months ago

[–]wheresmyhouse 38 points39 points40 points 5 months ago

[–]leDav 27 points28 points29 points 5 months ago

[–]listerineman 70 points71 points72 points 5 months ago

[–]R3divid3r 23 points24 points25 points 5 months ago

[–]TracyMorganVoice 30 points31 points32 points 5 months ago

[–][deleted] 71 points72 points73 points 5 months ago*

[–]eljeanboul 105 points106 points107 points 5 months ago

[–]crunchmuncher 20 points21 points22 points 5 months ago

[–]Quackenstein 54 points55 points56 points 5 months ago

[–]Propa_Tingz 37 points38 points39 points 5 months ago

load more comments (8 replies)

[–]noneother 21 points22 points23 points 5 months ago

[–]Random_CAPS_guy 25 points26 points27 points 5 months ago

[–]utannx 37 points38 points39 points 5 months ago

load more comments (8 replies)

[–][deleted] 186 points187 points188 points 5 months ago

[–]ymmajjet 271 points272 points273 points 5 months ago

[–]BeingAWizard 34 points35 points36 points 5 months ago

[–]Genocidicbunny 9 points10 points11 points 5 months ago

[–]geft 127 points128 points129 points 5 months ago

[–][deleted] 126 points127 points128 points 5 months ago

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points42 points 5 months ago

[–][deleted] 28 points29 points30 points 5 months ago

[–]armyguygw 146 points147 points148 points 5 months ago

load more comments (8 replies)

[–]rubicon11 74 points75 points76 points 5 months ago

[–]nomnomchikhan 3 points4 points5 points 5 months ago

[–]13Juli 63 points64 points65 points 5 months ago

[–]gregsaliva 51 points52 points53 points 5 months ago

[–]MissCellania 59 points60 points61 points 5 months ago

[–]enhancin 16 points17 points18 points 5 months ago

load more comments (9 replies)

[–]tagbadger 6 points7 points8 points 5 months ago

load more comments (4 replies)

load more comments (11 replies)

[–]knowledgeoverswag 544 points545 points546 points 5 months ago

permalink

[–]ariiiiigold 1976 points1977 points1978 points 5 months ago

When I was around 5-years-old, I found a small rocket-shaped machine in my mum's bedside draw. When you twisted the head, it would begin to vibrate. I thought it was the most awesome toy and promptly appropriated it. I took that motherfucker everywhere; to school, to my grandparent's house, to the supermarket... everywhere. I regarded it as my best friend and I absolutely adored it. I would often turn it to vibrate and rub it all over my face and neck and every crevice of my body, because it just felt so good. In the frenzy of moving home a few years later, I lost it and I missed it so much. As I grew older, I forget about it. Until the age of around 16, when the Internet introduced me to vibrators. It struck me like a bolt of lighting and I actually remember physically recoiling in my chair, like a snail retreating into its shell. For so many years, my precious little toy, my personal lightsaber, my sword, my everything... had been a vibrator. Worse, my mother's vibrator. I mean, fuck, I rubbed that motherfucker all over my body and even recall putting it in my mouth at one point.

I'm over it now, but this seems like an apt time to regale you folks with the tale.

[–]SurpriseButtSexer 1759 points1760 points1761 points 5 months ago

[–]yellowpride 540 points541 points542 points 5 months ago

[–]Bodilis 406 points407 points408 points 5 months ago

[–]Ahoapap 520 points521 points522 points 5 months ago

[–]Tactful 633 points634 points635 points 5 months ago

[–]RanksUrLawls 215 points216 points217 points 5 months ago

[–]saskpirate420 26 points27 points28 points 5 months ago

[–]SmellsLikeUpfoo 22 points23 points24 points 5 months ago

continue this thread

[–]GothPigeon 31 points32 points33 points 5 months ago

[–]Bonzalez 56 points57 points58 points 5 months ago

[–]RanksUrLawls 60 points61 points62 points 5 months ago

continue this thread

[–]nameandnumber 8 points9 points10 points 5 months ago

[–]Tennisinnet 6 points7 points8 points 5 months ago

[–]kuaggie 5 points6 points7 points 5 months ago

load more comments (16 replies)

[–][deleted] 5 months ago

[–]Tactful 14 points15 points16 points 5 months ago

[–][deleted] 49 points50 points51 points 5 months ago

[–]Nyarlathotep124 75 points76 points77 points 5 months ago

[–][deleted] 48 points49 points50 points 5 months ago

[–]CDanger 8 points9 points10 points 5 months ago

[–]trautsla 10 points11 points12 points 5 months ago

[–]MoodSwingy 109 points110 points111 points 5 months ago

[–]xMalnutrition 64 points65 points66 points 5 months ago

[–]herebezombies 13 points14 points15 points 5 months ago

[–]PretendPhD 41 points42 points43 points 5 months ago

[–]herebezombies 17 points18 points19 points 5 months ago

[–]AndyRooney 140 points141 points142 points 5 months ago

[–]NotSoFatThrowAway 56 points57 points58 points 5 months ago

[–]JRWM3 81 points82 points83 points 5 months ago

[–]honeybunnyblossom 71 points72 points73 points 5 months ago

load more comments (10 replies)

[–]tryintobetaller 25 points26 points27 points 5 months ago

[–]cubistpanther 16 points17 points18 points 5 months ago

[–]CreamFraiche 60 points61 points62 points 5 months ago

[–]Jbbbbb 75 points76 points77 points 5 months ago

[–]wizzy453 11 points12 points13 points 5 months ago

[–]uwbrrbden 15 points16 points17 points 5 months ago

[–]waningwax 14 points15 points16 points 5 months ago

continue this thread

[–]Dragontarus 8 points9 points10 points 5 months ago

[–]last1wins 15 points16 points17 points 5 months ago

[–]MrBenzedrine 35 points36 points37 points 5 months ago

[–]SurpriseButtSexer 25 points26 points27 points 5 months ago

[–]Tranger 7 points8 points9 points 5 months ago

[–]JewettM 53 points54 points55 points 5 months ago

load more comments (11 replies)

[–]Rasheeke 206 points207 points208 points 5 months ago

[–]juicius 339 points340 points341 points 5 months ago

[–]Logic007 80 points81 points82 points 5 months ago

[–]Lemonator8976 52 points53 points54 points 5 months ago

[–]ariiiiigold 31 points32 points33 points 5 months ago

[–]Alxxy 183 points184 points185 points 5 months ago

[–]Halman 548 points549 points550 points 5 months ago

[–]conanarama 55 points56 points57 points 5 months ago

[–]Dirqala 82 points83 points84 points 5 months ago

[–]LeftLampSide 62 points63 points64 points 5 months ago

[–]untildeath 35 points36 points37 points 5 months ago

[–]WannabeGroundhog 33 points34 points35 points 5 months ago

[–]islaydragons 24 points25 points26 points 5 months ago

load more comments (10 replies)

[–]Goopman 139 points140 points141 points 5 months ago

This reminds me of a similar but obviously different tale from my childhood. When I was younger walking around with my parents and smaller sister we would sometimes hold hands with one another, not necessarily all at once but you know families do this with young children to keep them from running off. Well if I would ever act up while holding my fathers hand he would somehow crush my hand so that it would feel like my finger bones were almost grinding with one another. Not the best of sensations and somewhat painful. Needless to say it would get me in line if I was being bad.

I was around five on one occasion when my father did this to me while we were on vacation in Disney Land. In pain I yelped and then shouted, "Daddy! Stop giving me the boner! It hurts too bad!" and my younger sister who was only three at the time would like to mimic me said, "Boners hurt real bad daddy! Stop it!" A minute later my family (namely my father) was being escorted away by Disney security because they had thought that my father had been sexually assaulting his children and we were crying out for help in a public place.

I don't remember much more after that as my sister and I were being entertained by Cinderella while my mother and father were being talked to for what felt like an hour or more.

TLDR - My dad gave me a boner and got talked to by security so I got to chill with Cinderella

[–]damnimnotirish 13 points14 points15 points 5 months ago

[–]TheAfterPipe 11 points12 points13 points 5 months ago

[–]MyWifesBusty 47 points48 points49 points 5 months ago

[–]WannabeGroundhog 30 points31 points32 points 5 months ago

[–]footstepsfading 10 points11 points12 points 5 months ago

[–]pibroch 45 points46 points47 points 5 months ago

[–]spankymuffin 41 points42 points43 points 5 months ago

[–]WannabeGroundhog 7 points8 points9 points 5 months ago

[–]merreborn 7 points8 points9 points 5 months ago

[–]Helloitslate 190 points191 points192 points 5 months ago

[–][deleted] 5 months ago

[–]neekneek 35 points36 points37 points 5 months ago

load more comments (13 replies)

[–]Gyroisabot 85 points86 points87 points 5 months ago

[–]ariiiiigold 166 points167 points168 points 5 months ago

[–]Mortimus_Prime 186 points187 points188 points 5 months ago

[–]look4alec 58 points59 points60 points 5 months ago

[–]jbrand1 41 points42 points43 points 5 months ago*

[–]casual_complimenter 11 points12 points13 points 5 months ago

[–]mitt-romney 15 points16 points17 points 5 months ago

[–]deepvirus 75 points76 points77 points 5 months ago

[–]kenjaydub 12 points13 points14 points 5 months ago

[–]bitch_im_a_lion 33 points34 points35 points 5 months ago

[–]WannabeGroundhog 15 points16 points17 points 5 months ago

[–]KKOSinsk 68 points69 points70 points 5 months ago

[–]Platypus_plushie 14 points15 points16 points 5 months ago

[–]Mrlala2 72 points73 points74 points 5 months ago*

[–]fawstoar 12 points13 points14 points 5 months ago

[–]Starslip 25 points26 points27 points 5 months ago

[–]parrotkeet 142 points143 points144 points 5 months ago

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 5 months ago

[–]Skwirleywirley 12 points13 points14 points 5 months ago

I'm probably so late on arrival that this post will never see the light of day. But i have a memory to relate to you all.

Me and my brother were always into swashbuckling with whatever swashbuckle ready item ever laid around as kids. So one day my mom goes shopping at one of these super cheap department stores of the 90s (it was called Strawberry or Strawberrys) and i was about 7 at the time while my brother was a year younger.

So we get bored of playing around inside and go outside while my mom shops when we encounter the perfect swashbuckling tool. Soft but firm, and it had a great grip. So as we take turns swinging it at each other while saying cliche swashbuckling stuff like - touche! Hawhaw! And other nonsense, women going into the store just stop and stare at us with looks of glee on their faces and just absolutely cracking up.

Needless to say this was during the era of Ren and Stimpy and our goal right from the beginning was to engage any onlookers with slapstick humor. We were hamming it up so bad by the time our mom came out that (insert some witty shit here).

And then she saw it and told us to put that shit down!!

6 years later i realized that it was a dildo. A big, thick, white dildo like something off of an 80s porno.

Tl;dr - me and my brother swashbuckled with a massive white dildo in front of hordes of onlooking passersby.