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top 200 commentsshow all 352

[–]SashaTheBOLD 199 points200 points ago

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I always just thought that Jesus got so many points during his life that he earned another guy.

Continue? Y / N

[–]mtldude1967 90 points91 points ago

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I clicked "Y" and nothing happened. I want my quarter back.

[–]Notagtipsy 179 points180 points ago

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Jesus died 40 days later. Feeling cheated, he wanted his quarter back, too. Thus, Tim Tebow.

[–]linearcore 83 points84 points ago

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Oh good god. That was bad.

Have an upvote.

[–]blackadder1132 4 points5 points ago

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yay cake

[–]Sanosuke97322 3 points4 points ago

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Birthday upvotes for you.

[–]nextInt 2 points3 points ago

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I really hope you meant that as the 4th quarter of Tebow's games.

[–]TamiusUpper 8 points9 points ago

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The system has indicated you have inserted a 5-cent coin instead. Have your nickleback

[–]hatesinsomnia 17 points18 points ago

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Eh...keep it.

[–]zjbrickbrick 16 points17 points ago

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I just thought that his dad gave him the cheat code for God mode. ಠ_ಠ

[–]Marimba_Ani 2 points3 points ago

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You're my hero of the day. Thanks.

Cheers!

[–]fnordit 47 points48 points ago

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So, what, did someone destroy his philactery?

[–]phyzzics 22 points23 points ago

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My thoughts exactly. rolls 1d20

[–]roterghost 21 points22 points ago

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No, they didn't.

Because his philactery was intact, he was able to resurrect in 3 days, cast fear on the humans who witnessed it, and continue the advancement of his Lawful Evil cult.

My bet is on the Holy Grail being his philactery.

[–]Archaneus 6 points7 points ago

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I don't think Lawful Evil really applies. The mythology around the formation of the Christian church is one of a small outcast rebel counter-culture group. That sounds much more like Chaotic Evil to me.

[–]StarkyA 12 points13 points ago

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Nah, Jesus was chaotic neutral. Random good deeds, random evil ones - always talking about balance and harmony. Which makes it so ironic that the church founded upon him is clearly lawful evil.

[–]bismarx 2 points3 points ago

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I'm so happy I finally wandered into a discussion about Jesus' alignment.

Without trying to be snide: CG? I considered NG, but he was throwing people out of temples and causing a lot of civil disobedience.

[–]holodog 4 points5 points ago

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The other guy here is correct: Chaotic Neutral. A little good, a little bad, wandering the countryside spreading entropy.

[–]bismarx 2 points3 points ago

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Sure, but what's the argument for his being Neutral and not Good, besides our own (a)religious sympathies?

Seems to me like he was actively engaged in helping people, sharing things, and not getting even. Can't think of any bad, or even selfish actions that would place him in the "Neutral" camp.

[–]ShitMyBossSays 6 points7 points ago

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No no no.... his phylactery was actually a highly ornamental egg, which was found and destroyed by Legionnaires. Hence why we have easter egg hunts.

EDIT: I accidentally a spelling.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Yeah well, seven is the most magical number. So I'm going to guess, including the grail, there's six more horcruxes out there...

[–]chewxy 4 points5 points ago

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Darksteel Relic, mate, Darksteel Relic

[–]m00nbarker 1 point2 points ago

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Or perhaps the cave is roughly translated to "havengul"

[–]K21B21 1 point2 points ago

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Pay cost, bring back priest of urabrask, fill up mana in ark of the covenant with infinite.

Also, Heartless summoning.

[–]thechapattack 72 points73 points ago

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So would you say he is the Lich King of Kings? lol

[–]Theguyfromvault69 2 points3 points ago

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And for those of us old UO players: Lich Lord of Lords

[–]jogleby[S] 68 points69 points ago

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Jesus is amazing. He drops epic loot!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Silos97 33 points34 points ago

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Hey. It had spellpower for Arcane Shot.

[–]Tsuchigo 10 points11 points ago

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Comically enough, when I played WoW, I had an entire cloth set devoted to arcane damage and spell power enchant on my staff... Mages were jealous.

[–]thirdegree 22 points23 points ago

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I'm going to go back in time just a bit so I can hate you adequately.

Ok, I'm back. We're all good now.

My mage still hates you though.

[–]tooschoolforfool 13 points14 points ago*

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Don't worry guys, I'll tank with my pet. ಠ_ಠ

[–]cuddlemuffn 13 points14 points ago

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Fucking hunters.

[–]jeepbraah 1 point2 points ago

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They're nerfing quivers?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[–]ggaspari 2 points3 points ago

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BM? Go Marksmanship or go away.

[–]Warkitz 1 point2 points ago

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Dies.

[–]Kaufmann76 84 points85 points ago

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Clearly he had a horcrux hidden somewhere.

[–]DeusFerreus 28 points29 points ago

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The correct term is phylactery.

[–]Hypersapien 76 points77 points ago

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Holy shit.

The Grail!

[–]byllz 24 points25 points ago

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The only question... who did he kill for it?

[–]marshmelow 52 points53 points ago

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Judas.

[–]moriquendo 1 point2 points ago

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In his other incarnation he used water to drown all of creation. Except for Noah's folks who then went on to repopulate the Earth by incest.

[–]Bijan641 3 points4 points ago

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As opposed to the initial stock of humanity...who were populated by incest.

[–]Capitan_Amazing 1 point2 points ago

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Sorcerer's stone.

[–]dannomac 1 point2 points ago

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Philosopher's stone?

[–]Hypersapien 2 points3 points ago

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Harry Potter and the Magic Rock*

*now even further dumbed down for American children.

[–]Thorus 4 points5 points ago

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I was always a fan of idea, that he had parasitic cruciform .

[–]voodoochileirl 6 points7 points ago

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Clearly he turned the 12 Apostles into Horcrux after the Last Supper

[–]GreasyTengu 54 points55 points ago

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If your having undead trouble I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a lich aint one!

[–]matthileo 6 points7 points ago

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This made my night.

[–]supergenius1337 1 point2 points ago

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I was seriously going to post this. I've said this about Voldemort before.

[–]TamingShrewsbury 40 points41 points ago

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Bitches love liches

[–]JasonGD1982 11 points12 points ago

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Also liches love bitches.

[–]drashizu 11 points12 points ago

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D&D ftw.

[–]Fvel 7 points8 points ago

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Yeah, except, you know. A lich will use a phylactery in D&D - which is where the soul and intellect are bound to. Not the body.

[–]WhoMouse 2 points3 points ago

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I'm pretty sure his "church family" is his phylactery. He does have them drink his blood and eat his flesh, so I'm pretty sure that those people who do hold enough of him/his soul that they act as a binding force for him.

Also makes the same people's opposition to birth control make sense. More people with which to propagate this strange phylactery.

[–]Bhangbhangduc 4 points5 points ago

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I think it's been established that the phylactery is the "Holy" Grail.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I had a theory that they were his sandals.

[–]Vire70 1 point2 points ago

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That is a pretty cunning plot. Turn your slaves into your own phylactory, ensuring that they can never rebel against you because the only way to kill you would be to kill themselves first, at which point they wouldn't be able to kill you anyway! Truly, Jesus was an evil mastermind.

[–]Ricochet_ger 1 point2 points ago

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"My paladin will use smite evil!" *rolls a 18"

[–]brianbrianbrian 1 point2 points ago

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Yeah, but which god are you a paladin of?

Christianity killed all the good ones.

[–]Ricochet_ger 1 point2 points ago

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Why Moradin,of course!(yeah I'm a dwarf,deal with it.)

[–]brianbrianbrian 1 point2 points ago

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[–]GreatDrok 23 points24 points ago

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OK, so how do you kill Jesus then? I mean, a zombie is easy, you shoot them through the head and destroy the brain, but what about a lich? It's important for us to be prepared.

[–]Uniquitous 42 points43 points ago

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You have to find his phylactery, a magical vessel which binds his soul to this plane. Destroy it, then destroy whatever body he's currently animating, and he's done.

[–]GreatDrok 13 points14 points ago

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Ah, good to know. You wouldn't happen to know what this phylactery looks like? It isn't some huge frickin' snake or something? Sure a nuke would do it and take out the corpse and the phylactery at the same time?

[–]no_puppets_here 30 points31 points ago

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Therein lies the problem. The phylactery can be ANYTHING. A pendant, a ring, a small music box, a studded glove... Liches aren't troublesome because of their magical prowess (though that is a concern), they're troublesome because they're so hard to put down permanently.

They have all the time in the world and virtual immortality. And they tend to be assholes. A lich you piss off is a problem for life.

[–]slim034 52 points53 points ago

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Jesus's phylactery has been estimated to be the Shroud of Turin. He was in the process of the ritual to create the phylactery (which takes a few days) when Judas found out about it. Knowing that any man given immortality would surely come to dominate humanity, he brought the information to the local Roman governor, Pontius Pilate. Judas was wracked with guilt, having betrayed his friend and mentor, but felt he had done the right thing. He could rest easy knowing he had succeeded, or so he thought. Three days later Jesus rose from the dead. Judas had anticipated the appearance of Mary Magdalene in the crowd watching the procession of Jesus bearing the cross, but, unfortunately, thought her no threat. Using the excuse of cleaning the blood from Jesus's face, she had acquired the final component necessary for the phylactery ritual: the blood of the soon-to-be Lich. The ritual had finished that morning. As soon as the cloth touched his blood, Jesus's phylactery was complete and he was able to rise three days later.

He is believed to currently be plotting world domination from the catacombs beneath the Vatican.

[–]denster 15 points16 points ago

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Someone please make this movie! or game! not both though please cause the other one would suck

[–]Bijan641 2 points3 points ago

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If it was a game we would find our hero Judas, now a demon due to having taken his own life after sentencing his mentor to death, to be resurrected by the devil just before the time at which Jesus' plan would reach fruition.

Consumed with the remorse that only grew over the centuries of reflecting on his failure and emboldened by his demonic powers, Judas embarks on a quest to find and destroy the Shroud of Turin.

Even though Judas knows that his actions will only serve the purposes of the devil his regret and anguish has taken hold of his mind and he is unable to find the will to alter his course.

[–]ZeroNihilist 1 point2 points ago

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Wait, what if the game and movie are released at the same time? Would we then have a race condition for the "This isn't as good as the game/movie was" sentiment? The ensuing hipster war would tear popular culture apart. What horrific thing would rise from the ashes?

Also, if you're looking for a name may I nominate "The Phylactery of the Christ"?

[–]xerexerex 1 point2 points ago

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Even when the two are made to be released at the same time one is always based off the other. Therefore one will always suck.

[–]Vire70 1 point2 points ago

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Jesus = NWO leader? Maybe there's something to that after all. And look, he's already got over a billion ready slaves just waiting for him to show up!

[–]TheFeatheredCap 1 point2 points ago

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It could be said that Jesus's dissapearance 40 days later was the culmination of an epic battle for control of the Earth. Judas had loved Jesus as a mentor and was horrified at what Jesus had turned to in order to gain power to fight the high priests. He'd fallen from wanting to change the world to a better place to wanting to be able to control the hearts and minds of people in order to force them to be better. Judas couldn't bear this and when Jesus was revived as a lich he started a campaign to bring him down, hunting him and his disiples accross the nation. 40 days later in a midnight duel Judas using the powers granted to him by the Roman gods brought jesus down and destroying the shroud of turin and freed his disiples from the binding curses that had been cast upon them. (Thus proving once and for all why the shroud is a fake).

This is where Judas's grand plan came to fruition. He cast silvertongue onto all the disiples and told them a story about Jesus's resurrection at the hands of the one true god and told them to leave behind a legacy their Mentor would have been proud of before he turned to the darkness.

(I apologize for the bad spelling I have no spell checking on my phone )

[–]twelvefortyAM 9 points10 points ago

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If I ever get a chance to become a lich, I'm making the damn Earth my phylactery.

You're gonna need a sustainable environment on Mars before you can get rid of me.

[–]Ricochet_ger 12 points13 points ago

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I don't think you'll be powerfull enough to convert something this big.Thats necromastery 101 cmon.

[–]Kilmir 2 points3 points ago

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Yeah just use a grain of sand and then toss it in the ocean.

[–]Bijan641 3 points4 points ago

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Use an electron. A grain of sand can be destroyed through some natural causes. You can't destroy an electron.

[–]IdolRevolver 1 point2 points ago

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What if it collides with a positron? Or some radioactive isotope captures it and decays?

[–]Vire70 2 points3 points ago

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A simpler idea... just make it something really sturdy and resistant to physical forces (like pressure), then drop it into the Mariana trench or something equivalently impossible to retrieve it from.

This is why I could never take Voldemort seriously. He had the key to immortality, and yet he couldn't even work out how to make a damn trip wire alarm to ensure their safety - I mean he didn't know his horcruxes were being destroyed right up until the end. Not to mention the absolutely retarded locations of most of them. Would the bottom of the ocean really have been so bad? Someone really should have linked him to that site about Evil Overlords common mistakes.

[–]Uniquitous 1 point2 points ago

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Bad idea, man. Your phylactery would have to be unbelievably resilient to survive the pressure at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. You ever heard the term "crush depth?"

That said, I like how you're thinking.

[–]CaptainSmartass 1 point2 points ago

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I think a solid sphere of titanium would do it. As the pressure increased, it would shrink in size and become more dense, but it wouldn't actually be destroyed.

[–]Train22nowhere 1 point2 points ago

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The problem arises in that you resurrect from the phylactery and while a titanium cube might survive your bones wouldn't so you'd be constantly dieing and resurrecting. Better bet is to use magic to make a room with no entrance and exits buried underground or underwater (build specifically to resit the whole pressure thing) and magic it so it can't be found or teleported to (but still away from)

[–]moronic_comment 6 points7 points ago

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A grail perhaps?

[–]J1389 8 points9 points ago

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Or a shroud?

[–]zabin_ 6 points7 points ago

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Liches don't tend to keep their phylactery on their person. I doubt a nuke would do it.

[–]science_diction 1 point2 points ago

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Yes but they also don't like to be too far from it should something happen. They typically leave it in a dungeon with tons of random encounters and a boss as well. Must suck to be that undead. YOU THERE! STAY HERE FOR ETERNITY AND DON'T LET ANYBODY TOUCH THAT TOMB! You'd also have to worry with a golem and the like it might become like Ren from Ren & Stimpy at some point and just break the thing to see what happens.

[–]zincake 3 points4 points ago

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Well, seeing as Jesus was jewish, maybe one of these?

[–]squigs 1 point2 points ago

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I'd speculate it was a cup. Would explain all the stuff about the holy grail.

[–]-Peter 7 points8 points ago

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We could try crucifixion. That worked okay last time. At the very least it will give us a few days to come up with a better plan.

[–]GreatDrok 6 points7 points ago

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Nuke him from orbit. Only way to be sure.

[–]17Hongo 10 points11 points ago

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Sounds to me like he was a wight. Now that's some shit you don't fucking mess with. Unless you're either Tom Bombadil or Jon Snow.

[–]iRocks 1 point2 points ago

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Upvote for awesome taste in literature.

[–]j2theosh1 18 points19 points ago

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can we just call him Arthas Christ?

[–]JonRivers 9 points10 points ago

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Fun fact! As far as I remember (I've been WoW clean for 2 years) Arthas was not actually a Lich. Before he died canonically in WoTLK he had never died. Correct me if I'm wrong, anyone.

[–]JasonMacker 16 points17 points ago

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The story of Arthas takes place during the Reign of Chaos... Arthas, who was a Paladin, quells the orc uprising and then heads north to stop the scourge. Medivh stops him and tells him he needs to go to Kalimdor to defeat the scourge, but Arthas doesn't listen and instead goes to Stratholme find the rest of the infested grain that was causing people to turn into undead. There, he meets Malganis, the Dreadlord, who says that he will meet Arthas for a final battle in Northrend. Arthas then heads north and encounters a Dwarven search party that was looking for the sword Frostmourne. When he finally finds Frostmourne, he finds out its cursed but still takes it anyway.

Eventually, Arthas finds Malganis, and Malganis tells him that the voice coming from Frostmourne is from the Lich King. Arthas then kills Malganis.

After staying in northrend for a few more months, Arthas returns to Lorderon and kills King Terenas. Then he runs away and begins to build an undead army.

It isn't until after he kills Terenas does Arthas begin practicing necromancy and being a death knight. Keep in mind though, he's not undead. He's alive, but Frostmourne has captured his soul.

To make a long story short, Arthas eventually heads back to northrend, and defeats Illidan and returns to the Frozen Throne. He uses Frostmourne to release Nerzhul, and puts on Nerzhul's crown, fusing his soul with Nerzhuls, and becoming the Lich King himself.

At this point, adventurers head to northrend to defeat Arthas, the new Lich King. Trion Fording destroys Frostmourne and releases Arthas's soul. Frostmourne also releases the souls of all the other people killed by it, including Terenas. Arthas then dies.

So Arthas was first a Paladin, then a Death Knight, and then the Lich King. Only when he was the Lich King did he have the powers of a Lich.

[–]Mr_Nice_Guy615 7 points8 points ago

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It's like I was playing Warcraft 3 all over again! I'm gonna boot it up this weekend!

[–]marshmelow 8 points9 points ago

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I would prefer Kel'thuzad.

[–]smileylich 4 points5 points ago

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And being a lich is bad how...? I'm a lich and I'm always smiling. :)

[–]gangler52 2 points3 points ago

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Being a lich is terrible for everyone who is not a lich.

[–]VincetheMadMan 4 points5 points ago

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The powers of the lich will soon be possible through science give it fifty to a hundred years

[–]giselekerozene 7 points8 points ago

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I'll be honest... I don't have that sort of time. Can we speed this thing up a bit?

[–]theinformedlurker 4 points5 points ago

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I didn't see this was in r/atheism, for a second there I though I was in r/Christianity...

[–]zedolor 4 points5 points ago*

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D&D illiterates. In terms of fantasy lore, as codified by fantasy RPGs, Christ's classification is threefold:

First, he is a Deity's avatar, while simultaneously serving as a Cleric/Priest/Prophet of said Deity.

Second, having met the conditions specified by said Deity, his physical form was granted "True Resurrection" : http://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/SRD:True_Resurrection

Third, likewise having met the conditions specified by said Deity, his physical form achieved "Divine Ascension" (becoming immortal and deified).

In terms of D&D alignment, Christ was clearly Neutral Good: 1) He defied the laws of the establishment when those laws violated his sense of goodness. 2) He championed the meek, vulnerable, and exploited over and against the powerful and wealthy.

As to the alignment of the church, that varies altogether, ranging from chaotic evil to lawful good, depending on the particular denomination and/or congregation and how they choose to interpret/audit Christ's teachings.

[–]DiegoTheGoat 1 point2 points ago

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If True Resurrection had been used, Jesus would have been wholly restored, and wouldn't have told "doubting" Thomas to put his fingers in the nailholes in Jesus' hands or his side injury to verify Jesus' identity.

[–]hollsh 2 points3 points ago

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Be right back, printing these off as pamphlets and going to educate the masses.

[–]Tranger 2 points3 points ago

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Funny funny and yet... why is this on /r/atheism??

[–]blackadder1132 1 point2 points ago

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better here than in /r/Christianity were it will be reviled instead of joked about and enjoyed.

[–]lxUn1c0 2 points3 points ago

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It's interesting that OP completely plagiarized the Wikipedia article on liches but conveniently changed this part:

Liches are depicted as being clearly cadaverous, their bodies desiccated or even completely skeletal.

[–]buzzkill_aldrin 2 points3 points ago

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This is why Oxford commas are important.

[–]rubber_sumo 2 points3 points ago

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For some reason this made me want to play Baldur's Gate again.

[–]BuzzKillingtonThe4th 5 points6 points ago

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Suddenly, Wrath of the Lich King makes so much more sense o.o

[–]BrookMorrison 4 points5 points ago

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I'm sticking with the term "zombie" Tell someone Jesus was a lich, "dafuq" will be your answer.

[–]IsackArroz 3 points4 points ago

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What if the resurrection was just the best "Weekend at Bernie's" prank ever?

[–]bkane91 8 points9 points ago

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Son of a Lich...

[–]PepperpotsFTW 2 points3 points ago

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Thank you! I've been trying to tell people this for years and nobody will listen to me!

[–]ethertrace 3 points4 points ago

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Alas, I have but one upvote to give.

[–]renny7 3 points4 points ago

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What lvl was he? I assume he was max lvl as he stopped playing.

[–]AppleBlossom63 1 point2 points ago

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Brilliant.

[–]holy_holy_holy 1 point2 points ago

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He is an ascended ancient.

[–]Artegan 1 point2 points ago

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Holy fucking shit, we've got a large percentage of the human race worshiping a Lich King?

I'd rather follow Arthas.

[–]akaDoogs 1 point2 points ago

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it all makes sense now!

[–]cookiemonstah87 1 point2 points ago

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Happy Arthas Day?

[–]El_Zorro09 1 point2 points ago

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Thanks to FF XI I know what all these things are.

And they're all f*cking terrible.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Wait, you played FFXI: Online? The game where you spend hours in a group killing the same monster over and over to level up? That's after you spent hours just looking for a group to kill stuff with.

[–]El_Zorro09 1 point2 points ago

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Well, to be fair when it first came out (like in '03 in the US) it was actually pretty cool (mostly 'cause of cat women and elves that looked pretty sweet).

I can't defend the time spent post '06 playing it... nostalgia, maybe?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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The one true Lich King!!!

[–]Logophagi 1 point2 points ago

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So this means jesus's soul is in a phylactry.

[–]GloriousPeanut 2 points3 points ago

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Now the Catholic and Orthodox churchs' obsession over artifacts makes sense... due to confusion over time and/or spotty record keeping, almost any ancient relic could be the REAL phylactery of Jesus, and therefore all of these objects are treated with the utmost care, even to the point of worship. "However, it is believed the actual phylactery was lost long ago... some argue it was destroyed, but others believe it is only waiting to be discovered and usher in the new Age of the Lich King." </thiswouldmakeagreatstory>

[–]jtfine 1 point2 points ago

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Must destroy the phylactery!

[–]cupcakesteal 1 point2 points ago

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So he's kind of like Voldemort?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Exactly my thoughts. Voldemort bound his soul to other objects and obviously a human body, too.

[–]SiliconGuy 1 point2 points ago

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Lich King of the Jews.

[–]ionrover2 1 point2 points ago

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Holy hell. arthas is the perfect allegory for jesus.

Someone make a shitty infographic.

[–]Deathcrow 1 point2 points ago

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He wasn't? How then do you explain this?

Checkmate athiests!

[–]Okiah 1 point2 points ago

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I prefer to think that he just faked his death and got caught in a cave hiding.

[–]Maherzord 1 point2 points ago

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No, he was a mermaid. The walking in the water, the flood of fish, the healing power, water turning into wine, everything related to water.

[–]frenchfrieskl 1 point2 points ago

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i personally think jesus is a draugr but thats just me

[–]mrscrawfish 0 points1 point ago

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LOL as a former LARPer, I just about died laughing

[–]EvaUnit4 0 points1 point ago

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Thanks for clearing that up :) I always figured back from the dead = zombie

[–]hoya14 0 points1 point ago

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How do you kill a Lich?

[–]irockoutadio 0 points1 point ago

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He is the real Lich king.

[–]TedTheGreek_Atheos 0 points1 point ago

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Awesome! i have Holy Avenger with a Greater Truedeath Crystal. Bring on the undead!

[–]VooDooBarBarian 1 point2 points ago

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Excellent! I'm a Pelorite with a +4 morning star of disruption... Let's do this thing!

[–]wrb222 0 points1 point ago

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Correct me if I'm wrong (I'm sure you will) but wasn't the only prove of Jesus' resurrection the disappearance of his body ? It's not like after they killed him he hopped up out of rigamortis and went right back to preachin the gospel.

[–]theprofessor86 0 points1 point ago

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Just great...

[–]trua 0 points1 point ago

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I'm sad that my language doesn't have words for so many kinds of undead :(

[–]neo_stythys 0 points1 point ago

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damn straight.

[–]taylorc38 0 points1 point ago

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look, I'm Christian and I lol'd.

[–]kicklecubicle 0 points1 point ago

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[–]CmanTicks 0 points1 point ago

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[–]Cat_Mulder 0 points1 point ago

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I dunno man, "Lich Jesus day" doesn't have as mich ring to it as Zombie Jesus day. But then...

[–]puppydung227 0 points1 point ago

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Thought this was a Magic The Gathering post when I first read.

[–]Sozin91 0 points1 point ago

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So if Jesus was a lich and he was king of the jews. Does that mean he's the Lich King?

[–]CalebEast 0 points1 point ago

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Jesus was the real lich king.

[–]erock0546 0 points1 point ago

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I don't believe in magic, so I don't believe this happened. I do, however, appreciate how thorough this image is. Kudos.

[–]BlinkOh 0 points1 point ago

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I wonder where Jesus has his transmutation circle...

[–]genericusername0[!] 0 points1 point ago

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TL;DR Jesus was not a zombie, Jesus was a lich

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I tried to tell you guys last week the Jesus was a Lich, but no one believed me...they never believe me.

[–]CiantGunt 0 points1 point ago

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never again should an atheist bitch about people not liking them after seeing this post.

[–]Dyscal-Culia 0 points1 point ago

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So then judgement day can be called wrath of the lich king?

[–]full_of_stars 0 points1 point ago

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Good thing we cleared that up. But, I must ask you, if he is a Lich, where is his phylactery.

[–]thinlikenate 0 points1 point ago

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Oh. I thought you were going to say, "Because he didn't exist." At least zombies are plausible.

[–]juancoodelz 0 points1 point ago

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Holy carp... thank you for clearing that up. This has been an issue of many arguements among my friends. Now I can act like I know something! Hooray Reddit knowledge!

[–]stevospc 0 points1 point ago

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Get a silver vanq katana. That'll kill him!

[–]TheyCallMeChill 0 points1 point ago

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[–]ZombieGadaffi 0 points1 point ago

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Guize come on, we gotta have respect for religion! Why can't all nonbelievers be cool like Carl Sagan? The guy never made a mockery out of religion and respected it to a certain extent. He even read religious texts and (maybe) took lessons from them. CARL SAGAN Y U KNO STILL ALIVE?!!??!

[–]LordHellsing11 0 points1 point ago

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He should of used the Konami Code

[–]xXCole1111Xx 0 points1 point ago

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hmm... the final boss of the game has no real powers... lame

[–]Felarhin 0 points1 point ago

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His phylactry lies here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cave_of_the_Patriarchs

Somewhere within the dungeons of the "Tomb of Abraham". You know what to do.

[–]teamramrod456 0 points1 point ago

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Jesus didn't exist. There's no proof of him ever existing other than the bible, which isn't even credible.

[–]Junkenpo77 0 points1 point ago

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I want this printed on a shirt and made into a poster. Who can I give my money to?

[–]ViceV 0 points1 point ago

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Looks like Blizzards storyboard for WotLK.

[–]4ever1 0 points1 point ago

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So somehow, somewhere, someone made a 3 letter mistake from LOVE to LICH.

[–]Cryptic_Reply 0 points1 point ago

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Jesus:Layout :: Christ:Dreadful

[–]soyabstemio 0 points1 point ago

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So he was a bitch. BFD.

[–]TheMerchandise 0 points1 point ago

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womp womp

[–]aksumals 0 points1 point ago

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Yesss

[–]Matheusela 0 points1 point ago

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Can we have a Supernatural episode about this? I can see Sam and Dean killing Jesus.

[–]joeytmnd 0 points1 point ago

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Lol

[–]RedArmyCaptain 0 points1 point ago

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I was explaining to my friend why Evangelicals support Israel so much and said that it was because they believe that Jews must be in control of a certain patch of land to act as a sacrifice (Jews go to Hell after all) so that their dark god may be awakened from his two thousand year long slumber

[–]Gugeno 0 points1 point ago

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I normally don't pay attention to /r/atheism posts.. But this has actually taught me something. Thank you, jogleby. Reddit Enhancement Suite

[–]Captain_Airstrip_One 0 points1 point ago

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That's a good argument, though if one follows the heretical Gnostic doctrine of docetism, Christ lacks a physical body, and so would be a ghost or spirit.

[–]sayrith 0 points1 point ago

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soooo it's like a zombie then?

[–]DookyKing3000 0 points1 point ago

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for a second I thought this was from r/christianity! hahaah ___^

[–]ObiOneKenoobie 0 points1 point ago

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Your logic is unequivocal!

[–]Abatton 0 points1 point ago

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All hail the lich-king!

[–]jifwu 0 points1 point ago

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Well that is neat, too.

[–]Lewnidas 0 points1 point ago

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Yeh, and if my grandma had hairy nuts she would have been grandpa

[–]StingChameleon 0 points1 point ago

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It seems to me that the only difference between a Ghoul and a Lich is the way in which the soul is bound to the body, or do the corpses of Liches don't rot?

But since we do not know how he got resurrected, he might as well be a Ghoul then, right?

[–]Abedeus 0 points1 point ago

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That explains why he still had his magical power!

[–]Mugros 0 points1 point ago

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I hate liches. Bad MoFos in Nethack.

[–]gangler52 0 points1 point ago

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Supposing that by now he's become a demilich that would actually explain a lot of his modern-day methodology.

[–]slapdashbr 0 points1 point ago

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So, Jesus=Arthas?

[–]foxybingooo 0 points1 point ago

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World of Warcraft has a whole new meaning now.

[–]anon-2012 0 points1 point ago

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Best typography on an r/atheism post, ever.

[–]89733 0 points1 point ago

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The original Voldemort

[–]Monomorphic 0 points1 point ago

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He is a fucking avatar.

[–]Ranunculus_Auricomus 0 points1 point ago

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How to ruin my family's Easter...

[–]ILikeYouLikeMe 0 points1 point ago

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Jesus strikes me more as a Death Knight, but God is definitely the ultimate Dreadlord. I'd say the Holy Spirit would be the Lich, seeing as how most of it's power is ethereal. The Trinity of the Undead is realized.