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all 107 comments

[–]realitycheckk 108 points109 points ago

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that picture of the goldfish actually makes me kind of sad

:(

[–]mittahzerb 65 points66 points ago

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That goldfish was just in the wrong bowl at the wrong time!

[–]I_wwebsite 32 points33 points ago

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That's what they get for never blinking. They see everything, and a dead fish tells no tales.

[–]Battletooth 12 points13 points ago

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He should have swam to his castle. It was safe there. He could hide until the burglar is gone.

Now he's... Uh... Sleeping with the fishes...

[–]Uberninjaa 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah man that fish is sleeping around with all the fish ladies man.

[–]Xanthan81 0 points1 point ago

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Wait... Goldie spelled out a name with his food... I think it says: "I-wwebside?" Well, that doesn't make any sense...

[–]DingDongSeven 8 points9 points ago

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Your ex has moved on. So should you.

[–]dmcnelly 1 point2 points ago

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Okay, what did I miss here?

[–]InanimatePhoenix 3 points4 points ago

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8C

[–]HardlyWorkinDBA 160 points161 points ago

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He's been playing too much Skyrim.

[–]syphrean 25 points26 points ago

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took me too long to discover the chickens could be witnesses.

[–]Kevin_Wolf 23 points24 points ago

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I try to steal a horse... at night... everyone is asleep.

Who is watching me? Oh, the horse is looking at me. WTF.

[–]SmuggleCats 2 points3 points ago

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Well I barely just learned that now, explains quite a bit actually.

[–]djm1st 2 points3 points ago

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Immediately what I thought of, perhaps I've been playig too much Skyrim..

[–]Demonweed 0 points1 point ago

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. . . or watching too much American Dad

[–]bartpieters 0 points1 point ago

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The guys name is Bob, so he had a reason to think the goldfish might tell the tale....

[–]Kronik_NinjaLo 70 points71 points ago

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Damn. That's like raping the family dog so it doesn't feel left out.

[–]doctorcameltoe 10 points11 points ago

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baa-dum-psh.

[–]otisramflow 33 points34 points ago

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A-dead-fshhhhh

[–]markild 9 points10 points ago

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Try this

[–]JesterAzazel -1 points0 points ago

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I love you. I'm adding this to my response bookmark folder. I just started one. Another Redditor gave me the idea.

Have an upvote. Looks like you've only got 6/12 and could use another.

[–]jutct -3 points-2 points ago

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Or licking it's asshole.

[–]TangentiallyRelated 28 points29 points ago

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When I was a teenager, I'd house sit for people who had cable, since I didn't have it at home. Of course, this meant they'd leave, I'd come over, and I'd just sit in front of their TV the entire time they were gone, furiously masturbating. HBO, Cinemax, those were the best. Sometimes it got so bad, that when they'd get back home, they'd ask me if I felt all right. Made sense, I suppose. I was probably 12 pounds lighter, pale, and sweaty.

The worst though were the pets. They were lonely, because their families were gone, so they'd want to hang out near you. But then I'd be sitting there, jerkin' it to a bikini carwash movie, and out of the corner of my eye, I'd see that family dog sitting there, just watching me and silently judging me. And I knew there was no way the dog would ever be able to tell the family, but still, what if? What if, man?

The worst though is right before I'd cum when the dog would do that really loud licking its chops sound. Not cool, dog, not cool.

[–]HBclone 5 points6 points ago

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The Hills have Thighs is a classic.

[–]trentlott 1 point2 points ago

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Luanne was hot in that one

I'm glad they did it before Brittany Murphy passed

[–]shooter190 1 point2 points ago

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Did the fish catch you mastur-baiting as well?

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]BrokenTactics 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]DopeboiFresh 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]Xanthan81 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]IdTugYourBoat 4 points5 points ago

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[–]The_Dane 9 points10 points ago

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I guess that witness will be .....

...puts on glasses

..sleeping with the fishies.

YYYEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

[–]Paris2Amsterdam 0 points1 point ago

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What a CHUMp!

[–]bonochromatic 0 points1 point ago

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This comment thread seems a bit fishy.

[–]shooter190 0 points1 point ago

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Water you saying?

[–]malakies 16 points17 points ago

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I don't know why this is in r/funny, an innocent goldfish was brutally murdered.

[–]betterthanthee 0 points1 point ago

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the actual situation isn't funny but your comment made me lol

[–]malakies 1 point2 points ago

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Please, show some respect. We're here for the fish.

[–]atcaskstrength 37 points38 points ago

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He could have just waited three seconds.

[–]GeneralWarts 27 points28 points ago

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It's the elephant fish you have to worry about.

[–]powerchicken 8 points9 points ago

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You probably know this, but just in case: Gold fish actually have excellent memory, they can be taught "tricks" that they will remember for the rest of their lives.

[–]TheWizurd 31 points32 points ago

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I dunno guys, that goldfish was acting pretty fishy...

[–]manberry_sauce 32 points33 points ago

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Your joke is bad, and you should feel bad.

[–]RockasaurusRex 6 points7 points ago

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Ya, it was a pretty crappie joke.

[–]Miffed_Kitty -3 points-2 points ago

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Don't you mean "a pretty carp-y joke?"

[–]HungryMoblin 1 point2 points ago

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[–]Miffed_Kitty 4 points5 points ago

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Oh buoy, I missed the boat on that pun.

[–]HungryMoblin 0 points1 point ago

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Don't worry, you won't goby without an upboat.

[–]mojobytes 0 points1 point ago

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You beta give him an upvote

[–]OCDTrigger 8 points9 points ago

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[–]TheWizurd 0 points1 point ago

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I sea what you did there

[–]RabidRhino 1 point2 points ago*

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This is hardly the time or the plaice...

[–]__C3__ 1 point2 points ago*

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Good thing he roughyed him up.

[–]ExtraStrings 4 points5 points ago

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Am I the only one who see's the fish making a Not Bad face?

[–]BrokenTactics 9 points10 points ago

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Funnier still is how he killed the gold fish.

When the homeowners returned, not only did they find their belongings stolen, but found their goldfish had been poisoned. Someone had poured hot sauce, mustard, ketchup and spices into their fish tank, and all three fish were dead.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/14/teen-burglar-kills-goldfi_n_822845.html

[–]RHandler 11 points12 points ago

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That is messed up; why would he season them and not even eat them?

[–]redgator 4 points5 points ago

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He's been playing too much Skyrim. All the animals in that game are snitches.

[–]yesukai 4 points5 points ago

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I admire his thorough dedication. How did he get caught?

[–]Hamstadam 3 points4 points ago

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That is one cold sumbitch.

[–]KamikaziPie 1 point2 points ago

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Never trust a goldfish. NEVER.

[–]HeyFlo 1 point2 points ago

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TIL Goldfish talk

[–]shaunc 1 point2 points ago

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Fishes get stitches.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I'm left to wonder if the picture in the article was a stock photo or an actual photo supplied by the family of the deceased fish

[–]missfett 1 point2 points ago

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Damn, that sad lookin goldfish really makes it

[–]TheMightyAdzilla 1 point2 points ago

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It seems stupid that he killed the goldfish because it was a ''witness'', but maybe he was smart enough to know that the 3 second memory thing is bullshit and wasn't gonna risk his chances...

[–]kasus 1 point2 points ago

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Im surprised the media didnt make it to be a racial thing

[–]wade_station 2 points3 points ago

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so instead you do?

[–]babyluvangie 0 points1 point ago

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No! Anything but the goldfish!!!

[–]jsake 0 points1 point ago

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Well John Murdock clearly isn't guilty.

[–]borkedddd 0 points1 point ago

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[–]slapdashbr 0 points1 point ago

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Last witness has died. 40 Bounty removed

[–]LordJoker 0 points1 point ago

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the fish was looking at him funny, threatening him to tell others.

[–]kaytlynkayt 0 points1 point ago

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Pretty good idea, actually. The person who ratted me out to the cops about my drug dealing was a guppy. You can never be too careful...

[–]Doctective 0 points1 point ago

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That is the saddest fish I've ever seen.

[–]capt_slim 0 points1 point ago

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Don't tell him about Bacteria and Insects

[–]swiec003 0 points1 point ago

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the first thing the kid probably thought was oh shit the cops are going to interrogate the fish!

[–]twilightcatlady 0 points1 point ago

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"Bitch, wait 'til I evolve."

[–]Riverscr 0 points1 point ago

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He obviously expected the fish to learn to speak within 3 months...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goldfish#Intelligence (yes I know it's wikipedia, but no I don't care, this is just the internet after all)

[–]ExtraDip 0 points1 point ago

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glub Said the fish's mother

[–]Perk456 0 points1 point ago

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Hitman:Hitman.

[–]TheWalrusWizard 0 points1 point ago

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This is older than /r/funny itself.

[–]ATATD14 0 points1 point ago

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Skyrim Logic

[–]jradeski 0 points1 point ago

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"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for that meddling goldfish!"

[–]thegame0940 0 points1 point ago

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Their eyes.. THOSE STARING EYES

[–]AguyWithflippyHair 0 points1 point ago

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It's funny cause their short term memory only lasts about two seconds

[–]Catch22af 0 points1 point ago

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NO!!! THEY KILLED KLAUS

[–]Lan777 0 points1 point ago

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Why do pugs and fish always look so concerned

[–]Twelvey 0 points1 point ago

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You haven't seen anger and outrage until you've read this article on /r/aquariums. I would liken their responses to that of The New Black Panther Movements' toward George Zimmerman...

[–]Philip_Marlowe 0 points1 point ago

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Arlington Heights. I was born there.

Weird.

[–]sweetgreggo 0 points1 point ago

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Came in here to read about Dirk. Left disappointed.

[–]cjhazza 0 points1 point ago

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Who let Mr. Teatime out of Ankh-Morpork again?

[–]darklink911 0 points1 point ago

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why did this depress me?

[–]Fatkuh 0 points1 point ago

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Too much skyrim i'd say

[–]Shanksterr 0 points1 point ago

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I want to believe!

[–]SmokeDiverFF 0 points1 point ago

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That's dedication to your profession right there folks.

[–]rrhd -1 points0 points ago

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Maybe it was a babelfish...Ha!

[–]fezyk -1 points0 points ago*

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I know the Onion when i see it. Still pretty funny. [edit] Did some research, i was wrong. Turns out people are stupid enough to kill a goldfish. It's on Huffington post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/14/teen-burglar-kills-goldfi_n_822845.html

[–]Phoenixocracy -1 points0 points ago

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That five second memory could have foiled the entire robbery.

[–]iiNstinct -1 points0 points ago

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He'd just forget the murder in 3 seconds anyway.

[–]myredsocksareawesome -2 points-1 points ago

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It's funny because Goldfish have a memory span of three seconds.

[–]ntarantino -1 points0 points ago

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Does anyone else do this in Skyrim?