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top 200 commentsshow all 211

[–]JavaLSU 377 points378 points ago

[–]gryffon5147 16 points17 points ago

Except they usually save the punchline for page 29.

[–]random-compliments 74 points75 points ago

☜(゚ヮ゚☜) Louisiana needs coders like you.

[–]BeezowPooPoo_ZGopGop 1 point2 points ago

You got down voted to Hell in another post. WTH?

[–]random-compliments 22 points23 points ago

☜(゚ヮ゚☜) they dont think it be like it is, but it do.

I love you, Beezowpoopoo_zgopgop.

[–]BeezowPooPoo_ZGopGop 17 points18 points ago

Love you, too AndrewSmith1986.

(^ー)ノ

[–]random--insults 20 points21 points ago

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ You aren't cool.

[–]jackcatalyst 7 points8 points ago

Oh snap

[–]on_the_redpill -5 points-4 points ago

Anyone else downvote this whole string of comments except the first?

yes, I downvoted myself

[–]Hammer38 2 points3 points ago

Don't worry, I've got your back bro.

[–]BeezowPooPoo_ZGopGop 0 points1 point ago

Keep it up.

[–]random-compliments 4 points5 points ago

☜(゚ヮ゚☜) I could only wish to be that cool.

[–]lousy_at_handles 0 points1 point ago

And I love you, Oscar Gamble

[–]IceOnFire97 -2 points-1 points ago

Oh! Do me next!

[–]JavaLSU 0 points1 point ago

If your account takes off, getting a compliment from you would be like getting parodied by Weird Al.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]random-compliments 23 points24 points ago

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Thats like telling me to log off reddit.

[–]Edibleface 3 points4 points ago

Kindly suck a fuck.

[–]Raredone 8 points9 points ago

Tell me, how does one suck a fuck exactly? I'm all ears

[–]rambopandabear 4 points5 points ago

Generally I think you need to be more mouths.

[–]Edibleface 3 points4 points ago

Flexibility, low gag reflex and ability to sneeze on command.

[–]Solid364 0 points1 point ago

Man, I would really love to know what was said...

[–]Edibleface 0 points1 point ago

Was a fairly generic assholish comment directed at comment from random-compliments.

[–]iloveboatssohard 5 points6 points ago

i know what helps, getting as many mini muffins as you can, then just shove them down your pants

[–]HireALLTheThings 77 points78 points ago

It's the Onion. You're SUPPOSED to laugh at it.

[–]gregny2002 -3 points-2 points ago

Just because something is supposed to be funny doesn't mean you have to feel good about laughing at it. Not that that stops me. Check out the second sentence in this Seanbaby article.

[–]HireALLTheThings 4 points5 points ago

I lol'd. Feels good, man.

[–]Arock99 23 points24 points ago

[–]FindsTheBrightSide 119 points120 points ago

Don't worry - doctors and scientists will do their best despite God being a jerk.

[–]GeneralWarts 26 points27 points ago

It's always fun when a username aligns with a comment so much you wonder if it's a novelty.

[–]MPinsky 23 points24 points ago

Says generalwarts

[–]ehand87 10 points11 points ago

I'm not sure whether I should salute or make an appointment with my doctor...

[–]Argentum47 2 points3 points ago

What startles me is that he's a general. Which means he is all other infectious diseases' superior officer. Sergeant Chlamydia hopes to be as good as him some day.

[–]random-compliments 10 points11 points ago

☜(゚ヮ゚☜) It's always nice when I bump into you, pal.

[–]GeneralWarts 10 points11 points ago

oh you!

[–]xnerdyxrealistx 1 point2 points ago

If it fits, it ships.

[–]sirJackHandy 9 points10 points ago

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

[–]God_The_Alrighty 8 points9 points ago

At least you acknowledged my existence. Oh, and by the way. I've seen your mom naked. And I don't mean in the omnipresent spooky sort of way. At Walmart.

[–]Raredone 8 points9 points ago

I laughed

[–]ProlapsedPineal 0 points1 point ago

OH, good, I've been meaning to ask you. You know that thing I was talking about? Well? Is she?

[–]God_The_Alrighty 0 points1 point ago

No but she says hi

[–]ProlapsedPineal 0 points1 point ago

Thanks, I already found out. You do work in mysterious ways.

[–]Sqpon 3 points4 points ago

[–]souptub 9 points10 points ago

it's the onion, you're supposed to laugh you dolt

[–]e-kul 33 points34 points ago

You should be going to hell for having never seen this before.

[–]Shavetheweasel 7 points8 points ago

That article and this make me feel like a terrible person for laughing uncontrollably

[–]pungkow 25 points26 points ago

[–]IAM_Satan_AMA 21 points22 points ago

Son, you've done me a great favor today. Had you not come along I would have been stuck finding people travelling to Hell all on my own. How about I reward you with a nice cabin overlooking the Styx, eh? What do you say?

[–]pungkow 4 points5 points ago

DONE

[–]IAM_Satan_AMA 8 points9 points ago

Fantastic! "Hey, Beelzebub! We got another!"

[–]gerken 4 points5 points ago

oh shit.

[–]iamanfbiagent -2 points-1 points ago

Is God real?

[–]banditski 1 point2 points ago

Where am I going, and why am I in this hand basket?

[–]c0bra51 1 point2 points ago

We only welcome those who have no limit to humour; be warned.

[–]breakyunit 13 points14 points ago

Well, at least he got a response. For example, I always prefer a girl to tell me she's not interested than to avoid giving me an answer.

[–]Argentum47 2 points3 points ago

So, uh... got something to talk about there, buddy?

[–]RedDaggerx 4 points5 points ago

I wonder why this picture seems so pixelated.

[–]Neckwrecker 4 points5 points ago

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST

*I am not one for subtlety.

[–]orzof 4 points5 points ago

[–]FlaviaTitus 2 points3 points ago

LOL- one of my favorite headlines, thanks for posting.

Another good one: "Babies are stupid": http://www.physics.mcgill.ca/~arobic/funny/babies.html

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

According to Howell, almost 60 percent of the infants tested in this manner eventually drowned.

[–]WhyYouThinkThat 2 points3 points ago

Free thinking cat shits outside the box

[–]kharmakazy 2 points3 points ago

You were going to hell for laughing at this, like 10 years ago when they posted it. You have repented for your sins by now, got married and have two lovely children: Charles who is 8, and Becky who turns 6 this august.

[–]GodAmongInsects 5 points6 points ago

I accidentally made myself laugh while trying not to laugh.

[–]BobLeBuilDerp -1 points0 points ago

This made me laugh.

[–]lemono111 5 points6 points ago

Thats wheely funny

[–]IloveyouDJ 8 points9 points ago

Shit I'm sitting in class hiding my phone while on reddit and I clicked this... I couldn't stop myself from smiling like an idiot

[–]biurb 4 points5 points ago

it was posted in funny, what did you expect?

[–]swineiscool 32 points33 points ago

Something that doesn't belong in r/funny at all..

[–]biurb 4 points5 points ago

this point distribution confuses me

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

It's less to do about your comment and more to do with the fact that everyone secretly hates you.

[–]biurb 5 points6 points ago

I suspected as much

[–]Its_Mr_Pants 0 points1 point ago

He's making the joke that oftentimes people post things to the wrong subreddit

[–]biurb 1 point2 points ago

I meant for the thread as a whole:

the title and subreddit suggested it was funny, so I opened it in a serious place and it made me funny +5 :/ -8

[–]Metaphoricalsimile 7 points8 points ago

Glad I'm an atheist then, because I can laugh at it without going anywhere at all!

[–]bfogarty27 1 point2 points ago

You're going to hell for reposting

[–]d0m1n4t0r 1 point2 points ago

Why so original title

[–]BallinBC 1 point2 points ago

No you won't, it's not real

[–]DarkTwistedFantasy 1 point2 points ago

FW: FW: FW: RE: FW: I'm going to hell for laughing at this!! LOL

[–]manbearpig1204 1 point2 points ago

I click on anything with a title that begins with, "I'm going to hell".

[–]workadayfilmcritic 1 point2 points ago

You're on Reddit, we're ALL going to Hell.

[–]chean 1 point2 points ago

God must be republican. Preexisting conditions LOL

[–]Chimney_Schout 1 point2 points ago

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at something on reddit, as bad as it sounds hahaha.

[–]Babybirding 3 points4 points ago

down vote for your lame title

[–]blunderchief 3 points4 points ago

Nah. There is no hell.

[–]IAM_Satan_AMA 2 points3 points ago

Alright! Another one! You know we don't get many visitors down here, let alone permanent residents. I can assure you that it will be a thrill for us to have you. Honestly, it can get a little boring down here with god forgiving everybody and whatnot (kind of a dick move, but when you score lower on the All Powerful Entity test in highschool what can you do?). Between you and me, Hitler here is getting awfully boring. All he ever talks about is Jews this and Jews that. We get it, ok? Jesus, you think he'd get over it at some point.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy your stay! If you ask politely I may even prepare a room for you near our Eternal Fires pavilion. I hear they have barbecue every Wednesday (YUM :D ).

[–]lucas42 1 point2 points ago

Damn you for using imgur to dodge my domain filter.

[–]Tebasaki 0 points1 point ago

Kid asked for a PS3. God can't do that; it's Sony!

[–]hmang 0 points1 point ago

at least in hell you'll be in good company! i laughed.

[–]Raredone 0 points1 point ago

Thank baby jesus this is only onion news.

[–]klethra 0 points1 point ago

See you on the other side, I guess

[–]fashnek 0 points1 point ago

Please use a lossless format like PNG for screenshots.

[–]MrTrixy 0 points1 point ago

Lucky for you hell doesn't exist

[–]Ulftar 0 points1 point ago

Jesus was anti-violence not anti-comedy.

[–]jking800 0 points1 point ago

For laughing at an Onion headline?

[–]grove93 0 points1 point ago

Many believers cannot comprehend that the answer to their prayers isn't always going to be yes.

[–]meerkatsarentreal 0 points1 point ago

that's the first thing that's made me laugh in four days.

[–]HeHeHeGS 0 points1 point ago

Save me a seat on the ride, because I laughed also ;)

[–]Khadini 0 points1 point ago

There's a subreddit for that

[–]Marowak 0 points1 point ago

[–]daeger 0 points1 point ago

Now to repost in r/atheism for free delicious karma!

[–]faded1990 0 points1 point ago

it's the onion, supposed to laugh

[–]HigherPrimate 0 points1 point ago

no you're not.

[–]bRAE87 0 points1 point ago

I'm pretty sure this made me tinkle on myself a little bit...

[–]Viking_Lordbeast 0 points1 point ago

Don't worry, I'm paraplegic and I still laughed at this.

[–]dances_with_cougars 0 points1 point ago

[–]astrozombie222 0 points1 point ago

Laughed, but down-voted for the awful "going to hell" title.

[–]BShears 0 points1 point ago

I think the Onion published this back in 2001

[–]Yakra 0 points1 point ago

"I'm not!" - /r/atheism

[–]ZuFFuLuZ 0 points1 point ago

How do you go to a place that doesn't exist?

[–]toecutter-pdx 0 points1 point ago

Hell's just a myth, so you're good.

[–]jjrrll 0 points1 point ago

it is funny because he is hopeless

[–]Raredone 0 points1 point ago

I laughed before I realized it was from the onion. I think I'll be just fine...

[–]JunkyBuGGer 0 points1 point ago

Damn it, I laughed because you laughed

[–]Duiker123 0 points1 point ago

You should post this r/atheism they'd like this a lot. It's sad, but funny regardless.

[–]BlastMeBagpipes 0 points1 point ago

Oh crap, hell?!?! Then I wonder where the writer of this is going. Double-Oklahoma-Hell?

[–]Tally12 0 points1 point ago

Trying...to fight....laughter...

[–]rico99 0 points1 point ago

To begin with, there's nobody to answer those prayers...

[–]xflushot 0 points1 point ago

You can't go to an imaginary place.

[–]CosmicSlopShop 0 points1 point ago

oh I LOL'd so good and hard

[–]dirufa 0 points1 point ago

Whenever I see posts heading "I'm going to hell for laughing at this", I'm already laughing before opening the link.

[–]Shnazzyone 0 points1 point ago

Man, that screengrabs quality is deteriorating with every repost.

[–]AuroraMineCraft 0 points1 point ago

And the re-posters strike again...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

Scientists invent new pill version of Vitamin Water.

[–]DasStorzer 0 points1 point ago

You try and live, and god says no. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MN1Eca3C3RI

[–]5Gaits 0 points1 point ago

I have this feeling that we're all going to hell.....

[–]wolvmatt 0 points1 point ago

I hope you rot in Hell you disgusting son of a bitch. How could you possibly think that's funny?

[–]AuroraMineCraft 0 points1 point ago

Easy there tiger

[–]marishtar 0 points1 point ago

[–]djryanj 0 points1 point ago

I'm going to hell anyway. Might as well laugh.

[–]thunderlord1063 0 points1 point ago

Fuck you and the Onion!!!!!!

[–]s_m_f_a_h 0 points1 point ago

I feel so horrible but I laughed too...

Then again, if there is a Hell I'm already going there for spending my life denying that it, along with God, exists.

[–]ShelteredSolomon 0 points1 point ago

No you're not.

[–]joeydouche 0 points1 point ago

Aha, children misfortunes!

[–]letmeseethis 0 points1 point ago

i dont know if this gets a down vote or and upvote... ill just do nothing

[–]ChiefNugs 0 points1 point ago

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

KarmaDecay

[–]spicy_jose -3 points-2 points ago

Tool

[–]MikeOnFire 1 point2 points ago

We're going to hell for laughing at this.

FTFY

[–]internetV -1 points0 points ago

What does that stand for?

[–]MikeOnFire 0 points1 point ago

Fixed That For You

[–]TheOmnipotentTruth 0 points1 point ago

Heck, if the Christians are right we are all going to hell. We may as well laugh.

[–]somebodyjones2 0 points1 point ago

You're an awful dick for making me realize what an awful dick I am.

[–]cloudduel_13 0 points1 point ago

At least he got an answer.

[–]slcrook 0 points1 point ago

going to Hell on the basis of the joke; or because it's from The Onion?

[–]happytobake 0 points1 point ago

I have this magnet on my fridge.

[–]trampus1 0 points1 point ago

I was going to ask if this was a scan of a button or something. Looks so screwy.

[–]barrybulsara -4 points-3 points ago

Fucking hell, something in The Onion that made me laugh! What's going on?

[–]Omnipotency -1 points0 points ago

Save me a good seat...

[–]HairlessSasquatch -1 points0 points ago

People just have a general train of thought that a prayer being answered is always a positive thing, but when that idea is turned on its head it ends in hilarious yet self loathing results

[–]xenostrife -1 points0 points ago

At least you are going to hell together with people who upvoted this. Including me bro.. (high five)

[–]SoapOperaHero -1 points0 points ago

Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll meet you next to the vegetarian buffet and the cinema that only plays Troll 2.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

Going to hell... for laughing... at the Onion? A satirical newspaper that is intended to be funny?

[–]Noogerberry_James -1 points0 points ago

Seriously? as a christian reader the amount of subreddits i can subscribe to now without being offended is so low theres not even a purpose to look at this website anymore. goodbye r/funny.

[–]God_The_Alrighty -3 points-2 points ago

LIBEL!!!

[–]EndTheFed1776 -4 points-3 points ago

Luckily hell doesn't exist, so laugh it up

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]jdpwnsyou 3 points4 points ago

You're getting downvoted because you've taken this thread way too seriously. Lighten up, it's /r/funny!

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points ago

See you there!

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Loki-L 2 points3 points ago

Since God is both omniscient and omnibenelovent it appears that it would be a bad idea to ask him to change his plans for us. He knows better than ourselves what we really need since we often pray for the wrong thing.

orandum est ut sit mens sana in corpore sano.