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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]GenuineVoodoo 490 points491 points ago

[–]TheGreatLake 324 points325 points ago

Ohhh..It makes so much sense now. I though he was saying I WOULD WRECK YE.

[–]buu700 119 points120 points ago

The gif is a lot more amusing now.

[–][deleted] 132 points133 points ago

Yeah, but I am often amused by alot.

[–]Stackware 49 points50 points ago

Is that an alot plush? if so I want one, if not they should make them.

[–]rabbitlion 88 points89 points ago

I believe that's a real living alot, sorry.

[–]Stackware 35 points36 points ago

As long as I can hug it.

[–]thetuxracer 26 points27 points ago

Give it alot of hugs.

[–]ElCapitan878 21 points22 points ago

I like that alot.

[–]annie_7 3 points4 points ago

Alot more dangerous.

[–]first2di3 10 points11 points ago

Is that an alot plush? if so I want one, if not they should make alot of them.

Fixed.

[–]thisismynewthrowaway 7 points8 points ago

I like that alot a lot.

[–]borisia 14 points15 points ago

Thank you I was trying to lip read and figured he wasn't saying "Have you four it!?" And now I've just realized that it's named everyone.gif for a reason.

[–]spinlock 1915 points1916 points ago

And you chose Gary Oldman?

[–][deleted] 1264 points1265 points ago

For all I know my wife could be Gary Oldman. That motherfucker is a chameleon.

[–]leicanthrope 835 points836 points ago

Trivia for the day: Gary Numan is a couple of weeks older than Gary Oldman. Ergo, Gary Numan is the old man, and Gary Oldman is the new man.

[–]IkananXIII 516 points517 points ago

Ah, they've got a Greenland/Iceland thing going on.

[–]DerpMurphums 169 points170 points ago

We can all thank the Emilio Estevez and the Mighty Ducks for this lesson.

[–]DerpJam89 246 points247 points ago

Man, he is the bestivez.

[–]Chester_Le_Molester 147 points148 points ago

I want his emailio addresstevez

[–]Casey77 43 points44 points ago

Dad?

[–]thered0390 34 points35 points ago

That's fucking beautiful. I think my Reddit life is complete.

[–]ZedZeeZee 60 points61 points ago

But we all know Morgan is the one FREE man.

[–]tamagamer854 83 points84 points ago

Gordon.

[–]DoesNotChodeWell 51 points52 points ago

Like Commissioner Gordon... PLAYED BY GARY OLDMAN?!

[–]SneakyPete27 7 points8 points ago

TIL

[–]Apollo7 4 points5 points ago

More trivia: Gary Oldman is Victor Reznov. This blew my mind when I found out.

[–]HyzerFlip 69 points70 points ago

I waste hoping my ex was. She kept getting mad whenever I'd ask just to check.

[–]marikol 133 points134 points ago

"Hey honey, did you get the milk? Great! Ok see you soon, and I like I say everyday, are you absolutely sure you're not Gary Oldman? OK, just checking, you never know"

[–]TheLittleKicks 254 points255 points ago

i would

[–]Tsaja 130 points131 points ago

Who wouldn't? :)

[–]CherrySueDointheDo 55 points56 points ago

His sister's fairly saucy too...

[–]hinduguru 30 points31 points ago

Never heard saucy used like that before

[–]Alexxandros 71 points72 points ago

That's because you've never used Sauce like that before.

[–][deleted] 42 points43 points ago

SAUCE BOSS.

[–]FUCKLORD_SKYPUNCH 44 points45 points ago

SOWCE BOWCE

[–]5lbCockSlap 40 points41 points ago

SAUS BAUS*

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]alwayschewsgum 33 points34 points ago

Coming this fall on TLC.

[–]supernova1331 21 points22 points ago

Why do I feel like I'm in the right place as a shipper of Sirius/Remus?

[–]ScumCity 85 points86 points ago

It's not gay until you cum.

[–]xorenadosuke 29 points30 points ago

And no eye contact.

[–]beef-curtains 12 points13 points ago

No docking!!!

[–]needsmoreocarina 289 points290 points ago*

In that .gif Gary is saying "everyone". It is from the movie The Professional.

Edit: The original version of the film is called Leon. I knew it was called Leon in other countries but apparently the version I saw as a kid is a butchered American edit, not just a renaming of the exact same film.

[–]longflowingdreads 133 points134 points ago

Correct; because of reddit my lip reading skills have increased 10-fold.

[–]SuperShamou 71 points72 points ago

Pure coincidence. I'm reasonably sure OP meant he'd sleep with Gary Oldman.

[–]rexxfiend 55 points56 points ago

Known as Leon in the civilised world.

Also, I was fully expecting Ackbar in the OP.

[–]Whitewinters 3 points4 points ago

For you, baby, I am a Youngman.

[–]LostSoulsAlliance 395 points396 points ago

Listen closely, as there are three possible answers, but only one that's the "least painful":

1-Her - but she's not going to accept that, and she'll ask again until you give a "real answer"

2-Somebody you know- The worst answer you'll ever give. That's way too close for her comfort, and she'll suspect something may have been going on between you, is going on between you, or will be going on between you. You might as well start getting your divorce papers in order.

3-Somebody famous that's unobtainable: safest bet, as she'll still be a little jealous, but the unobtainability factor makes it palatable. The trick is to pick an actress you like, but are unlikely to see in any movies you want to enjoy so you don't have to endure any jealous ribbing when you two are watching the movie.

Choose wisely, grasshopper!

[–]Magrippinho 204 points205 points ago

The trick is to pick an actress you like, but are unlikely to see in any movies you want to enjoy so you don't have to endure any jealous ribbing when you two are watching the movie.

Now, that was a protip if I ever saw one! You, my friend, are a smooth operator.

[–]NotAlana 87 points88 points ago

and hopefully looks a little like your wife.

[–]qu4d 65 points66 points ago*

It can totally be set up in advance, since you are bound to get this question at some point. When watching a movie with a nice, intelligent and beatiful girl - one day your girlfriend is going to say how pretty she is. The right reply is: I think you look very much alike, you have so many things in common.

Now pair this with LostSoulAlliances third response, and you have the perfect answer to OPs question.

[–]jonosaurus 18 points19 points ago

fucking mastermind.

[–]Toneloak 4 points5 points ago

Great advice is great for life! Thanks fellas.

[–]neatoprsn 2 points3 points ago

Except when it backfires because your girlfriend then finds everything wrong with that person...it's happened to me.

[–]Pizzadude 3 points4 points ago

Exactly! And here is the bonus...

Pick an actress who is "normal" like your SO, rather than super thin or whatever. I find that Kate Winslet is perfect.

Bonus: You aren't lying when you say you would totally bang Kate Winslet.

[–][deleted] 59 points60 points ago

When my girlfriend asked that question I replied with Johnny Depp. I came out in the clear.

[–]Number_Ten_Ox 21 points22 points ago

Similarly, I tried that with Timothy Olyphant. I wasn't in the clear though; my girlfriend got mad at me and said that she'd rather be jealous than wonder if she's dating a gay man.

[–]FuriousMcRage 14 points15 points ago

Could've been worse. If she didn't know who he was, she could've thought you were having a fling with Timo the Elephant.

[–]blueyb 33 points34 points ago

I like where this is going... I wonder if you could use this to sour your wife/gf on an actress who does movies you want to avoid like the plague.

"Kristen Stewart, no doubt, honey. She's really hot in those movies...."

[–]drfitzgerald 45 points46 points ago

NO ONE wants to have sex with Kristen Stewart. So that really isn't a viable option. Choose Taylor Lautner.

[–]themizlfoshizl 11 points12 points ago

Isnt that, like, beastiality though? Not sure what local laws say in regards to sex with llamas

[–]El_Duder 16 points17 points ago

[–]chaos36 13 points14 points ago

In regards to answer number one, that is who we choose to sleep with last time we were single so you have an argument to support this answer.

[–]Echospree 5 points6 points ago

While accurate, you know it'll still be considered a cop-out.

[–]soulefood 10 points11 points ago

6 years later and I still can't watch anything with Salma Hayek.

[–]Dat_Karmavore 6 points7 points ago

I'll hope my girlfriend say this, just so i can reply-

"Sorry, I have to check with the internet first."

[–]HellaBella7 78 points79 points ago

Yes but who would sleep with you if you were still single?

[–]probably_wrong 75 points76 points ago

Does anyone has a gif of Gary Oldman saying "NO ONE!"?

[–]Mr_Yoni 53 points54 points ago

reverse the .gif?

[–]blitzkrieg3 16 points17 points ago

Solid science! Upvote!

[–]Xiolent 4 points5 points ago

[–]tkrex 51 points52 points ago

Here is the problem:

  • When i am in a relationship, i have more confidence, so it's easier to talk to women (hypothetically, of course).
  • Conversely, when not in a relationship, i have less confidence, and it is more difficult to talk to women.
  • If a girl is worthwhile, she is usually already taken by some douchebag (thanks, Efficient Market Hypothesis!).

So when i am single, all the girls are taken, and i can't talk to them anyway, so my answer is NO ONE.

[–]bing_bong 4 points5 points ago

Good point, Cheryl David.

[–]smartalecky 707 points708 points ago

[–]Rubin0 707 points708 points ago

"Why would I want to sleep with the rest after I've already had the best?"

"Awwwwwww. Honey, you're so sweet. I love you so mu-"

"Your sister."

"... I... Wh-"

"I'd do your sister."

[–]LeanBean17 217 points218 points ago

[–]Captain_LargePoop 4 points5 points ago

You could have had the SSEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXX

[–]JCelsius 118 points119 points ago

What is it about the sister? I love my wife, and I do think she's the most attractive of her siblings, but if given the opportunity with no negative consequences I would do both her sisters.

[–]fonetiklee 72 points73 points ago

Mark it down, people. March 26, 2012: The day JCelsius's wife checked his reddit account and then left him.

[–]suprmario 49 points50 points ago

...OR the day JCelsius's sister in law checked his reddit account and then joined them in some quasi-sisterwife polygamy bonanza!

[–]fonetiklee 3 points4 points ago

Ahh, a potential win. JCELCIUS, IF THIS HAPPENS, WE NEED TO HEAR ABOUT IT!

[–]JCelsius 21 points22 points ago

March 27, 2012: IAM the guy who said he would fuck his wife's sisters. She found out and left me. AMA.

[–]fonetiklee 28 points29 points ago

Most upvoted question:

"So... your wife is single now? Can I fuck her?"

[–]Miley_Cyrax 201 points202 points ago

Because they're like re-rolls of your wife.

Similar enough to your wife to elicit feelings of comfort and familiarity; different enough to satisfy your innate male lust for variety in sexual partners.

[–]Retsejme 49 points50 points ago

best explanation ever.

[–]Treshnell 18 points19 points ago

There's also the forbidden fruit aspect to doing sisters.

[–]longknives 4 points5 points ago

Familiar, yet new and exciting. It's what everyone wants.

[–]chris3110 3 points4 points ago

and were waiting for it.

[–]AndyRooney 359 points360 points ago

There are only two ways to deal with this situation:

Play it dumb

or

Play it world-wise.

[–]thattallfellow 418 points419 points ago

I keep waiting for him to say something, but he just... he keeps BLINKING...

[–]Urbano35 217 points218 points ago

[–]shokker 64 points65 points ago

Holy shit... the entire gif I was yelling at my monitor "whatthefuckpleaseblink"

[–]fonetiklee 54 points55 points ago

DID I JUST LOSE A STARING CONTEST TO A .GIF

[–]JJMcCoolio 87 points88 points ago

I found myself not blinking just watching that...

[–]AmericanIdiom 34 points35 points ago

[–]REDDIT_HARD_MODE 9 points10 points ago

This was a lot funnier than I thought it was be going on, oh wow

[–]K0TO 3 points4 points ago

my eyes dried out just watching him.

[–]nz_force 90 points91 points ago

Thanks, I wasn't sure how long I would have to sit there until I read your comment.

[–]TJFadness 83 points84 points ago

Don't let him trick you. He only blinks a couple of dozen times before he leans forward and starts talking.

[–]saintNIC 27 points28 points ago

You have to wait for the music.

[–]Jaesaces 22 points23 points ago

Obviously just not waiting long enough

[–]workroom 5 points6 points ago

I was waiting for his eyes to eventually stay closed.

[–]noyurawk 20 points21 points ago

He's blinking morse code for SOS.

[–]sachegrande 52 points53 points ago

I always answer "Milla Jovovich" because people have said my girlfriend looks like her, and it makes her feel like a supermodel.

[–]Butterbemme 52 points53 points ago*

I was crushing for her so badly when Fifth Element came out. I was 15, she was 22, it was beautiful.

Fuck, that was 15 years ago.

[–]Flipperbw 53 points54 points ago

hey EVERYONE Butterbemme is 30 years old!

[–]Butterbemme 17 points18 points ago

Still in denial. I'll turn 29.2 next summer.

[–]BitchesThinkImSexist 3 points4 points ago

Don't worry sonny, I'm 34 and other than the pain in my back, neck, ankles, knees, hips, and testicle, it's a piece of cake. Oh, I got cancer when I was 30 so you might want to check for that.

[–]sachegrande 1 point2 points ago

Hellllllllls yeah.

[–]ccrepitation 66 points67 points ago

its a trap bro, but say someone like audrey hepburn or marilyn monroe. old dead hotties that all woman respect and agree were hot.

[–]crazyguns 116 points117 points ago

It was a gif but I Heard him AND the nerves on my neck tightened... Fuck...

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

How exactly does one tighten a nerve? Do you need a ratchet set?

[–]pinkwednesdays 1205 points1206 points ago*

Say: "Oh honey, what a silly question. I can't imagine being single after being with you, even hypothetically."

And then show her a puppy or kitten.

Anything other than this will get you in trouble. Experience: I am a girl.

Edit: Can we make having a sense of humor a requirement for browsing r/funny? Some people take things way too seriously. The OP was a joke, and I just made another in response. Obviously any WOMAN with self-respect would either a) accept her husband's honest answer or b) be happy enough in the relationship to not even think about or c) secretly be hinting at a threesome. Thank you for all those who recognize an obvious joke!

[–]townidiot[S] 1302 points1303 points ago

[–]random-compliments 726 points727 points ago

{☞ﹼ∀ﹼ}☞ You're the brightest crayon in the box.

[–]heinekev 132 points133 points ago

best response ever

[–]cheffernan 49 points50 points ago

that .gif one of my favorite scenes in breaking bad

[–]fortuitous_bounce 3 points4 points ago

That scene = spine tingling, every time. That one, the Hank/twins scene, crawl space, face off, and countless others.

[–]wojosmith 189 points190 points ago

So saying your sister or mother is out of the question?

PS: My mother in law is hot. So I know what my wife will look like down the road.

[–]BlueNotesBlues 212 points213 points ago

Planning ahead is smart.

[–]Fuzzymuscles 89 points90 points ago

True story. I've walked away after seeing the mom before.

[–]IFellinLava 147 points148 points ago

hot people can have ugly parents....taking care of yourself goes a long way

[–]CeruleanLlama 60 points61 points ago

I really hope this is the case. I love my mother, but I realllly don't want to look like her when I'm her age.

[–]FartAwayYourWorries 151 points152 points ago

Me neither, but them I'm a bloke

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points ago*

Simple. Eat well, exercise a few times a week, and don't spend long hours in the sun. I'd say the 3rd one is most important for your skin. Just wish women today weren't obsessed with tanning themselves. Even at my grad school where most of us are in our mid-20s, I'm seeing tons of otherwise nice-looking girls peeling and even getting some really weird warts. Not hot at all. Yes, many American dudes love tanned chicks, but it's not a deal-breaker! Certainly not for me, seeing how I've been attracted to both dark-skinned and light-skinned chicks in the past!

One example is a chick who has the Megan Fox look and style going on, suits her well. But she could really do without the sunburns and warts and still get a lot of attention!

[–]NewTownGuard 48 points49 points ago*

I actually prefer pale girls. I don't understand the obsession with being tan.

Edit: Any idea how this got me banned from r/uglypeoplealliance?

[–]JoseFernandes 12 points13 points ago

Same here. My wife is a pale brunette with blue eyes. I've been attracted to pale women since I can remember.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

Consider it sort of a "western" thing going on. Paleness used to be in long ago, but fashion trends over the past half-century changed that.

No preference on my end. She's hot or not in my book. But if she's spending several hours everyday at the tanning booth, chances are she's got way too much time to waste.

[–]getinthechopper 9 points10 points ago

Yeah, that has weighed, uh, heavily in the "cons" list.

[–]ANewAccountCreated 61 points62 points ago

Is your FIL hot too? Cause your wife is 50% him.

[–]th3j3ster 38 points39 points ago

I don't even have a girlfriend and this made me cringe. Thanks dude.

[–]brianbrianbrian 92 points93 points ago

"She's so hot I'd suck her daddy's dick to see where she came from."

[–]Crim91 24 points25 points ago

You can get a good look at your T-bone by sticking your head up a butchers ass, no wait, it's gotta be your bull...

[–]edgarvaldes 12 points13 points ago

[–]catpartaay 74 points75 points ago

Basically this. "If I wasn't with you I would just kill myself.", or "I would ritualistically remove my genitalia in your memory." I tend to go the dramatic route...

[–]FoxDown 39 points40 points ago

Be careful with the first one. Tried it, she took it as a guilt-trip type threat.

[–]catpartaay 108 points109 points ago

I was just joking really, she never asks for my opinion ;-)

[–]pastanazgul 100 points101 points ago

Yep, this guys is really married.

[–]goat-of-zombo 17 points18 points ago

Oh heh. WAIT. bro...

[–]ghanima 133 points134 points ago

No. It's exactly this sort of mind game that some men use as justification for misogyny. If you're asking him if you look fat in those jeans and you are completely unwilling to hear that, yes, those jeans are making you look a bit heavy, that's your issue, not his, and you shouldn't have asked in the first place. Experience: I am a woman.

Edited due to inconsistent pluralization

[–]Petyr_Baelish 24 points25 points ago

Ugh thank you. I love my boyfriend, but I don't want someone who is so fucking attached to me that they can't be their own person. And if I'm so attached to someone that I need to hear that kind of shit, then I've lost myself.

[–]einexile 11 points12 points ago

You're right, but it's our own fault if we marry women who are insecure and possessive, without first being certain we can stand up to it or ignore it.

If more parents made it clear to their kids of both sexes: You don't have to take shit from anybody, but you also don't own anybody, there would be far less domestic conflict sparked by pointless jealousies.

[–]hotbox4u 52 points53 points ago

i would always say that girl form the grocery store down the road. you know that one with the red hair.

i would enjoy the fight. because if she would ask such a question then thats what she had in mind anyway.

most likely (and hopefully on purpose) i would lose that fight. if everything works out then i will enjoy the makeup sex. if not im back where i started. win win situation.

[–]James_Arkham 22 points23 points ago

Best case scenario, you get an offer for a threesome.

[–]chaos36 25 points26 points ago

I used to like fights, it meant a week of silence. Until she figured it out. I remember it perfectly, "It doesn't even bother you I haven't talked to you had it? "

[–]anubus72 33 points34 points ago

sounds like a healthy relationship to me

[–]TheCollective01 13 points14 points ago

Then don't ask these kinds of questions? Sorry, but in my experience women who test guys like that wouldn't pass their own tests.

[–]intelliswine 39 points40 points ago

Oh Gary Oldman. You're so subtle.

[–]bing_bong 38 points39 points ago

In Gary's defense, he shouldn't have had to repeat himself.

[–]dysgraphical 12 points13 points ago

I read his lips as 'every whore.' I would suck being deaf.

[–]Maff5K 26 points27 points ago

Even though I've seen Leon 3 times I decided to try and read his lips.

I think he's shouting, "AVRIL LAVIGNE!!!!!"

[–]semioticminefield 3 points4 points ago

you're just projecting.

[–]dubDalts 29 points30 points ago

Gary Oldman?? good choice. he seems like he'd be a gentle lover

[–]Jonny_Osbock 33 points34 points ago

African?

[–]basec0m 31 points32 points ago

I laughing... quietly so she doesn't hear me.

[–]Billy_Reuben 24 points25 points ago

I laughing. Uproariously and I showed this shit to my wife. She laughed too. I got lucky with that one.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points ago

I should hope you got lucky with her. She is your wife afterall.

[–]Killpill 4 points5 points ago

But you don't hope, because you are envious. One could say... you're green with envy, feltpen.

[–]Flipperbw 6 points7 points ago

I laughing. But I don't have a wife so it's fine.

[–]RyVal 4 points5 points ago

My wife would not find the humor. Not find anywhere.

[–]sw33tjimmy 30 points31 points ago

women specialize in ridiculous questions. men specialize in ridiculous answers.

[–]creepyeyes 16 points17 points ago

When people keep asking us ridiculous questions it becomes a necessity.

[–]Tezerel 3 points4 points ago

It's evolution driven by necessity and survival

[–]CrackerRiley 24 points25 points ago

I thought he was saying "Emma Watson" before I looked at the URL. Figure most of reddit would find that answer acceptable.

[–]MT_Flesch 13 points14 points ago

so who is Avery Owen?

[–]brachburton 7 points8 points ago

If I were still single

[–]sweetloris 123 points124 points ago

What is that guy saying?

[–]vapester 284 points285 points ago

Everyone.

[–]magificent_the 113 points114 points ago

as a non-lipreader i thank you for making this thread funny for me.

[–]sailingonward 56 points57 points ago

it's from a popular movie "Leon" (or in the U.S., "The Profesional")

[–]IllegalArgument 85 points86 points ago

I always thought it was Leon the Professional.

Leon.The.Professional.XViD.avi

if you catch my meaning

[–]Flipperbw 54 points55 points ago

is that when it's bought legally from itunes

[–]laurililly 8 points9 points ago

The german title is 'Leon - Der Profi' - Leon, the professional. So you're right. In german.

[–]iDunTrollBro 9 points10 points ago

WAIT are you saying you pirate things?

[–]kernowbysvyken 20 points21 points ago

[–]my_moms_a_milf 84 points85 points ago

Why not Zoidberg?

[–]CaptainJeff 33 points34 points ago

Why not, indeed?

So...can you introduce me to your mom?

[–]CymbalMonkey 12 points13 points ago

Its a trap

[–]CanIGetaHellYeah 48 points49 points ago

Fuck Gary Oldman is an under rated actor

[–]bpiraeus 83 points84 points ago

He's only underrated by people who don't have a damned clue who he is.

[–]FoulObelisk 15 points16 points ago

People say "underrated" because he hasn't won an Oscar, I guess.

[–]Jungle2266 10 points11 points ago

He has had such a wide range of character types that he's hard to place sometimes. Going from roles like Sid Vicious to Lee Harvey Oswald to Dracula to Zorg to Sirius Black and James Gordon in The Dark Knight and then some in between. He can play anything. I thought he was awesome in The Book of Eli and hilarious in that episode of Friends that he did

[–]soulonfirexx 3 points4 points ago

Him and Tim Roth in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead were AMAZING.

[–]darlantan 24 points25 points ago

He's too good for his own good. Seriously, I've seen him in 3-4 things and thought, "Man, the guy that played X was pretty fuckin' awesome." Didn't put it together that they were all him until I saw his imdb page.

[–]AbanoMex 2 points3 points ago

he was Gordon in the Nolan's batman, and i didnt know until much later

[–]john2kxx 21 points22 points ago

Great example of where a comma makes a difference.

[–]president_truman 5 points6 points ago

I'm pretty sure he meant to leave the comma out. I know I would.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]zulubanshee 4 points5 points ago

Say "Your sister". She'll get a kick out of that. Trust me on this.

[–]sotech 5 points6 points ago

Starting with Gary Oldman.

[–]markl12366 3 points4 points ago

If I had to fuck a guy, it would be NPH. He's already gay, so he knows what he's doing. And hes so man pretty

[–]Subjunctive_Revisor 9 points10 points ago

If I were* still single

[–]kiarru 8 points9 points ago

Not sure if its a reaction gif, or you want to sleep with Gary Oldman...

[–]Odds_this_is_a_trap 4 points5 points ago*

100% Total trap

You are dead no matter the answer

[–]abomanisha 4 points5 points ago

[–]TareXmd 2 points3 points ago

He clearly says "Only One" while looking at his wife. How sweet.

[–]MrGulio 2 points3 points ago

21,000 upvotes, 19,000 downvotes. The people who downvoted this post could fill my home town.