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all 128 comments

[–]Rich_21 122 points123 points ago

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let you drown

[–]Ryusko 66 points67 points ago

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Half right: let you drown, raise you from the dead, THEN whoop your ass.

[–]Oddblivious 26 points27 points ago

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technically that sounds like 1/3rd right.

[–]ManBearTree 2 points3 points ago

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Right? If he's undead, then he can stay underwater.

[–]pianobadger 0 points1 point ago

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No, dead people float, or is that just on TV?

[–]ManBearTree 0 points1 point ago

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Maybe inanimate ones do, but this guy can swim.

[–]Aderakun 21 points22 points ago

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Or call up Moses and get him to use his staff and split the water in half.

[–]SF4L 9 points10 points ago

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I was thinking, Jesus says, I might not sink, but my piss does, and continues to piss in the water.

[–]Lol_GAYbacon 1 point2 points ago

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Jesus: "and now we play the waiting game"

[–]Akronica 75 points76 points ago

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I can't even imagine what you would have to do to get Jesus that mad at you.

[–]Platypus_Delta 166 points167 points ago

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Selling merchandise in a temple worked before.

[–]DreadPiratesRobert 72 points73 points ago

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This made me laugh quite a bit, this is exactly how I imagined it when I read that.

Also (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

[–]V33G33 5 points6 points ago

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Somebody should seriously find a way to turn that little table flipping guy into Jesus.

[–]DreadPiratesRobert 16 points17 points ago

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(╯°▄°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Beard maybe? I dunno

[–]hack1690 21 points22 points ago

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looks more like a Hitler stash

[–]DreadPiratesRobert 2 points3 points ago

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Whoops, good point

[–]jwcobra31 20 points21 points ago

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(╯°▄°)╯︵ ┻━┻ WHY YOU NO HEIL?!

[–]DreadPiratesRobert 1 point2 points ago

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This is fantastic

[–]Platypus_Delta 8 points9 points ago

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Well at least I can say I made someone laugh today. Cheers.

[–]dmsean 2 points3 points ago

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Which is why I broke out in laughter at Trinity Wall Street when I saw they had a gift shop...

[–]LettersFromTheSky 0 points1 point ago

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THIS IS TTTTTEEEEEMMMMMPPPPLLLLEEEE!!!!!!

[–]Beesho 6 points7 points ago

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Islam came 600 years after christianity

[–]veritechcyclone 20 points21 points ago

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That's stamina.

[–]CarlTheHobo 8 points9 points ago

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Wearing mixed fabrics.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Carelessly 8 points9 points ago

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Don't forget the pagans

[–]poptart2nd 5 points6 points ago*

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and the Zoroastrians.

edit: now that i think about it, muslims didn't exist when jesus was alive. Muhammad hadn't been born yet, so no one followed the teachings of islam.

[–]Oddblivious 5 points6 points ago

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Paganism isn't atheism.

[–]ArsenalOwl 4 points5 points ago

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I don't think they did.

[–]IHv2RtrnSumVdeotapes -4 points-3 points ago

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Banged his mom.

[–]redlyte_zer0 157 points158 points ago

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Jesus uses "Water Into Wine". It is super effective!

[–]Slasken 108 points109 points ago

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Yeah, because it's hard to breath under wine.

[–]Kratzyyy 132 points133 points ago

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Or Jesus can't walk on wine.

[–]Call_Me_Names 116 points117 points ago

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Sometimes I can't walk after wine

[–]McBurger 12 points13 points ago

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Scuzzleferrari

[–]hero2bash 0 points1 point ago

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I loled at the wake.

[–]aakaakaak 2 points3 points ago

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His toxicity levels would go through the roof...unless it was manischewitz.

[–]Sirratus 3 points4 points ago

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Baruch atah Adonai elochaynu melech ha'olam puray puri ha'gofin.

[–]aakaakaak 0 points1 point ago*

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Nope, sorry. Don't speak Hebrew. I just know the wine is weak and not to my liking. I will, however, upboat you to counteract the downvote from some fool who didn't know that was hebrew.

But google says it means: "Blessed art Thou, Lord our God, King of the universe who brings forth bread from the earth." (AKA, the little tasteless wafer) Full text and translation here

[–]FeltRaptor 0 points1 point ago

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I only recognized it from that one Bare Naked Ladies song.

(link to the song in Rock Band because strangely there aren't any album rips on Youtube...)

[–]pianobadger 0 points1 point ago

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Close, the one Sirratus wrote is the blessing over wine. It ends "fruit of the vine", not 'bread from the earth'. It's the third blessing down on the site you cited.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]VicePresidente 2 points3 points ago

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What? You mean I've been lied to?!

[–]Pandorasbox64 48 points49 points ago

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This trick wouldn't work so well against Moses.

[–]ArsenalOwl 22 points23 points ago

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I'm pretty sure they're pals, too. One phone call, man...

[–]DreadPiratesRobert 2 points3 points ago

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This, the reason he could do all that stuff was God had complete trust in him to only use his power for good, so basically granted him Godly powers, or the authority to use them

This is also called priesthood, though it rarely manifests itself like this anymore

[–]fredbnh 9 points10 points ago

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There's a time element at work here.

[–]DoxBox 7 points8 points ago

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Jesus vs Aquaman, infinite combat.

[–]Pawsword 1 point2 points ago

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[–]Platypus_Delta 14 points15 points ago*

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He just needs to wait for 5 minutes about. Either you'll come up for air or die where he will beat your ass in the afterlife. He wins either way.

(edit) beat your ass

[–]veritechcyclone 2 points3 points ago

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"he will be your ass"

Can't tell if intentional or not.

[–]bugzrrad 7 points8 points ago

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at first i thought jesus froze the lake to trap the guy, but then i saw the guy smiling and then i was all like oh i get it now

[–]DreadPiratesRobert -1 points0 points ago

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Me too haha

[–]Sisaac 2 points3 points ago

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Jesus is like bees, then.

[–]reddit_team_zissou 1 point2 points ago

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Why am I not going underwater? Dear god, why am I not going underwater?!!

[–]Velvet_Jesus 1 point2 points ago

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I hate it when mortals do this.

[–]banditandrew 0 points1 point ago

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Why would Jesus be chasing you like that??

[–]mouseknuckle 2 points3 points ago

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Why? What's it like when you play tag?

[–]aakaakaak 0 points1 point ago

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Edit: redlyte_zer0 beat me to it. That'll teach me not to read far enough down the page. Kudos to you, red.

[–]NatieDaCrazie 0 points1 point ago

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[–]listentobillyzane 0 points1 point ago

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Jesus uses wait 60 seconds

its super effective

[–]MegaZeusThor 0 points1 point ago

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Divine origins get weird super-powers.

[–]notable_bro 0 points1 point ago

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Dissapearing mustache, batman.

[–]Tyaedalis 0 points1 point ago

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Nobody said Jesus can't swim.

[–]iprobablyneedahobby 0 points1 point ago

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GGJ- turns it into wine for you?

[–]AcousticWalrus 0 points1 point ago

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Why does that guy have sunglasses on underwater?

[–]izsy99 0 points1 point ago

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Maybe he didn't know how to swim like maybe one day, a group of his so called "friends" were swimming in the beach and he was harassed for his inability to swim so he taught himself to walk on water now suddenly they all like him and shit and he got a girlfriend or something oh, and he'd be turning water into wine for the underaged kids

But in the end, he still didn't know how to swim

[–]Platypus_Delta 0 points1 point ago

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Jesus damnit! This is actually a case of phone autocorrect. Sigh.

[–]Uberninjaa 0 points1 point ago

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Moses!!!! Get down here a sec!!!

[–]fab11 0 points1 point ago

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Can't hold your breath forever.

[–]kimbabs 0 points1 point ago

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He must have gills or something to be so happy there.

[–]SpacemanSpiff_ 0 points1 point ago

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(relavent) This was an image i made for school last month

[–]veryfunnyandhandsome 0 points1 point ago

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He would likely summon his army of ninja fish and bread.

[–]MVolta 0 points1 point ago

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Checkmate, atheists

[–]Zantar 0 points1 point ago

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Rapture was meant to be an Athiest Utopia...

[–]bostonbruins 0 points1 point ago

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Who thought this was going to be a Tebow post?

[–]marishtar 0 points1 point ago

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Time to call in a favor from Moses.

[–]Phoequinox 0 points1 point ago

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I thought they were racing, and I couldn't figure out what the fuck.

[–]Mlibbym 0 points1 point ago

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He has to come up some time.

[–]Logangene 0 points1 point ago

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I'm not Christian, I don't give a shit about any religion, I just live life and what happens is what happens. Also that doesn't mean I judge people for what they believe no matter how much I disagree

[–]ninfan200 0 points1 point ago

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He has to come up sometime

[–]McRigger 0 points1 point ago

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He could wait for you to drown...

[–]OperationJack 0 points1 point ago

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Probably has already been mentioned, but Jesus also got baptized. Doesn't that mean he can go under the water too?

[–]EndlessInfinity 0 points1 point ago

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More like Killer Beesus, amirite?

[–]SBJhehe 0 points1 point ago

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Well, he's gonna have to come up for breath eventually....

[–]FatHitman 0 points1 point ago

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Charge your damn phone

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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piss/shit in water above you

[–]ichwillquark 0 points1 point ago

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I'm pretty sure this looks a lot like Cyanide&Happiness from explosm.net... Give credit where it belongs!

[–]ExtraDip 0 points1 point ago

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Jesus clearly won. The guy can't stay there forever. Actually, what did this guy do to piss of the Holy Ghost?

[–]slimmyshady 0 points1 point ago

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have to come up for air eventually.

[–]Hankering 0 points1 point ago

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Turn it into wine and voila, Jesus can't walk on it.

[–]ebookit 0 points1 point ago

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Water into wine. Stings his eyes and he has to get up, then this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IblzBerSFk

[–]patefoisgras 0 points1 point ago

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Today I learned Reddit knows its bible.

[–]Today_is_Thursday 3 points4 points ago

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Only so far as to satire or refute it!

[–]Zarfi 0 points1 point ago

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So jesus is a witch!

[–]bigmeech -1 points0 points ago

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WHY CAN'T I GO UNDERWATER?!

[–]Nicolas_Sarkozy_ -1 points0 points ago

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Jesus Christ, he was a Hebrew, in other words a Jew. It is common knowledge that he was crucified, but then he was later found to have come back to life. How is this possible? It isn't. Which means he must never have died in the first place, but the Romans DID crucify him. So how did he survive? It would have been impossible, with technology from that age, to keep him alive after that. So he must have had technology from the future! This can only mean that a large group of people from the future split off from the rest of the world to invent time travel! The only noticable decline in population without proper explanation is the Jews from 1939 to 1945! They must have developed rumors about a "holocaust" so that they could sneak off unnoticed to invent time travel so that they could save Jesus! Don't you see!? The halocaust never happened! That's the only way you can explain Jesus!

[–]Hardstyle_FTW -1 points0 points ago

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If Jesus wanted to kill you, he'd give you a simultaneous stroke, heart attack, and seizure

[–]I_make_you_lolz -1 points0 points ago

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I don't mean to be rude, but this is a repost. Just sayin.