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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]JC-crest 794 points795 points ago

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The best counter-intelligence is to withold all information from everyone.

[–]AtomicSamuraiCyborg 256 points257 points ago

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Convenience is the enemy of security, after all. And what's more inconvenient that complete incomprehension?

[–]jillyboooty 379 points380 points ago*

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Imagine the poor Russian spy who successfully became a high ranking official with access to all sorts of information and then the poor guy can't even make sense of it.

Dear Comrade,

I'm afraid I can't be of much service. The imperialist dogs have no sense of order. They may be trying to bomb Moscow. I'm not really sure. They may be trying to diffuse this situation. Nobody really knows. I don't even know how things happen around here. I hope your family is well.

Ivan Sonovabitch

[–]dziban303 206 points207 points ago

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I always liked the common Russian name, Yubin Yankinov

[–]Astrodogg 84 points85 points ago

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I'm assuming that the American counter-part is named Bill Johnson.

[–]gbimmer 100 points101 points ago

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Better than the Chinese engineer I once did business with: Don Hunglong.

Real name.

[–]Albub 35 points36 points ago

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Phuk Man Bum. I wasn't sure if that was their actual name or if one of my coworkers fucked up entering their name in the system, but I had to try very hard not to laugh in their face whenever I brought up the account.

[–]DicksonYamada 16 points17 points ago

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Dickson Yamada and Phuk Man Bum would make quite a team if I do say so myself.

[–]delboy83uk 5 points6 points ago

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There is a Korean actor on IMDB called Young Bum Kum.

[–]feenicks 2 points3 points ago

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Funny :-)

There was an Indonesian guy who shared accommodation with a workmate of mine once...

His name was Pornfat NaBangChang

[–]TefLinghu 28 points29 points ago

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Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed.

[–]gbimmer 10 points11 points ago

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WTF? How does one even pronounce such things? ಠ_ಠ

[–]NonPermissive 38 points39 points ago

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I hate this fuckin' job, and I will be fired

Made small so that people who want to guess can do so.

[–]CoffeeIs4Closers 12 points13 points ago

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It's from an old prank done in an airport; the caller would ask for people to be paged over the intercom. When the airport employee said the names, they sounded like "I hate this fuckin' job" and "I will be fired".

[–]zeromadcowz 13 points14 points ago

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chem teacher in high school had the name Hung Wang

[–]TrustyGuy 2 points3 points ago

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I met a Phuc Yu, no joke that was the guy's name.

[–]tubadeedoo 7 points8 points ago

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or Howard "Howie" Rubsom(an actual name of a guy I met one time.)

[–]mikefromchicago 4 points5 points ago

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"wank johnson"

[–]Tambe 4 points5 points ago

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Have any of you heard of the mischievous Ivan Idea?

[–]zsgar 4 points5 points ago

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Also, Yuri Jakov

[–]jakfischer 2 points3 points ago

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[–]StreamOfThought 201 points202 points ago

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I read this and imagined the entire US army running around, blindfolded, firing guns in the desert as an enemy army cries and runs away.

[–]VadersGonnaVade 273 points274 points ago

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this is actually 100% how it works. The Army is doing that, the airforce is just flying around with bombs going "Is that a dude? Bomb him!! Wait that wasn't a dude", the Navy is firing off their huge guns at any land they see so they can hurry up and get drunk and the Marines are just pretty much drinking whiskey, smoking cigarettes, firing guns wildly into the air and laughing a lot. No other military in the world stands a chance.

[–]NeonTrigger 186 points187 points ago

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As a US Airman, I can confirm that this is exactly how it works.

[–]SmallRocks 121 points122 points ago

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As a U.S. Marine, I can confirm that th... wait, what's the question?

[–]EllieTheDoorLocks 89 points90 points ago

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As a US Soldier, I can confirm. Not sure what I'm confirming with this blindfold on, though.

[–]Billionpig 35 points36 points ago

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As a sailor, I can confirm this.

[–]NeonTrigger 39 points40 points ago

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THE GANGS ALL HERE LETS HAVE A BRANCH FLAMEWAR!

[–]CloseCannonAFB 38 points39 points ago

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No Coasties here, how about we all just talk shit about them instead?

[–]longboarder12 7 points8 points ago

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Nope, we're here...sitting quietly in the corner as usual.

[–]p3ri 6 points7 points ago

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as a fellow airman, your name made me laugh out loud >.>

[–]WileyE 2 points3 points ago

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I've always imagined the coast guard being kinda like the mall cops

[–]Ha_window 3 points4 points ago

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Marines are part of the Navy, and the Navy Seals are better trained than the Army rangers.

[–]NeonTrigger 10 points11 points ago

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But no matter what SF branch it is, Pararescue gets called to save them when shit goes to hell.

CHECKMATE ATHEISTS.

[–]ShinInuko 8 points9 points ago

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Yeah, but we have Special Forces and Delta, so SEALS and MARSOC can suck it.

[–]jmpang 15 points16 points ago

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As a US Sailor, Ihafjkn f a;fhnsajfaj.

[–]malfunktionv2 9 points10 points ago

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Yvan Eht Nioj!

[–]NeonTrigger 16 points17 points ago

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We're trying to design a graph that would display how many times we call each other "Jarheads" and "Chairmen" (or variations thereof) based on time and proximity.

[–]CloseCannonAFB 10 points11 points ago

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TRUE Chair Force Chairmen would have a PowerPoint AND a formula-laden Excel spreadsheet detailing these stats, ready to brief at the next 3 1/2 hour staff meeting.

[–]ohhai1234 16 points17 points ago

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HAHAHAHA... chairforce

SEMPER FI HOUA

[–]EukaryoteZ 2 points3 points ago

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Based on my friends war stories, I'm guessing those graphs will then be placed in a power point presentation?

[–]xampl9 42 points43 points ago

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Say... that looks like it needs some bombing...

Yep. Exactly.

[–]dootfruit 47 points48 points ago

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Say... that looks like it needs some liberating...

[–]Gandzilla 8 points9 points ago

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Not responding when I talk to you?

That will be a paddl ... eh bombing!

[–]holyice7 63 points64 points ago

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People tend to stand still and gawk when you've thoroughly confused the fuck out of them. It makes them easier targets.

[–]equites 24 points25 points ago

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Effectively, you only need a fraction of the rifles to have real ammo or train the soldiers using them. The rest can get cap guns. The entire force will be just as affective, at a ridiculous cost savings.

The only downside is the cost of cap guns would skyrocket into the thousands a piece.

[–]Jucoy 11 points12 points ago

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I don't think you know the difference between Affect and Effect.

[–]boobers3 65 points66 points ago

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the Marines are just pretty much drinking whiskey,

Rum, it's part of our rations.

[–]VadersGonnaVade 42 points43 points ago

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you must be from the west coast. Camp Lejeune was all whiskey all the time.

[–]boobers3 51 points52 points ago

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Yar, we be a swarthy bunch on the left coast, yar.

[–]Sic_Em 26 points27 points ago

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I wish every Marine were a pirate....

[–]hotwingz83 9 points10 points ago

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Tyarrr...why the rum be the first to go?

[–]NonPermissive 2 points3 points ago

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Out of curiosity, was it any particular whiskey?

[–]8lbSweetBabyJesus 26 points27 points ago

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Shit, shit guys! Fire ze missiles!

[–]8amo 10 points11 points ago

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WTF! Mate

[–]Bl4cBird 8 points9 points ago

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But hy am le tiered...

[–]loriden 5 points6 points ago

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Well, take a nap

[–]NightsBeauty 5 points6 points ago

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ZEN FIRE ZE MISSILES!

[–]Bl4cBird 4 points5 points ago

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...'Bout that time, eh chaps?

[–]Naldaen 84 points85 points ago

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TIL Marines go to bootcamp to become Texans.

[–]NeonTrigger 47 points48 points ago

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Ironically, Airmen go to Texas to become bootcamp'd

[–]astronot 60 points61 points ago

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And Texans become Airmen to avoid bootcamp.

[–]arccospihalfarcsin 18 points19 points ago

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heeyyyy is that a bush reference? in our defense he is not a Texan.

[–]astronot 13 points14 points ago

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Haha, yeah it was a bush reference. Sorry, didn't intend to offend any Texans.

[–]arccospihalfarcsin 12 points13 points ago

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thats okay it just seems that not everyone know he's from Connecticut

[–]moronic_comment 10 points11 points ago

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You take that back. We've spent a lot of money keeping that a secret and we can't have you blowing our cover.

[–]OrganicCat 15 points16 points ago

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The Marines are just pointed at a country we don't like and let loose first with no specific orders. That's how the chaos works, just tell them to "go do what we trained you" and you'll have a variety tactical missions with no intel whatsoever.

[–]UncleTogie 8 points9 points ago

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But, by God, those missions will be successful....

[–]DopeMonkey4201369 24 points25 points ago

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Sold. Marines here i come

[–]VadersGonnaVade 34 points35 points ago

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Yeah when I was in the Marines, we'd just fire our rifles into the air a lot and cackle everywhere. If someone shot back at us we'd just give them the finger.

[–]Scraw 23 points24 points ago

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What else would you expect from a military organization founded in a bar?

[–]DopeMonkey4201369 2 points3 points ago

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Hey while we're on the subject, can you still get in the Corps with just you're GED? or do you need a diploma? I keep getting mixed info.

[–]NeonTrigger 8 points9 points ago

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Minimum requirements are a pulse, two arms, and basic knowledge of the English language.

In all seriousness, this. GED may put a limit to some jobs you can get for your enlistment contract, but if you go in and prove that you're worth your weight you'll be able to re-class to whatever you qualify for.

[–]Luscian 2 points3 points ago

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As a US Marine, I am making this comment the signature on all of my official emails.

[–]Scraw 12 points13 points ago

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Add in random shouts of "GET SOME!" and you've pretty much got it.

[–]Alex_Da_Cat 8 points9 points ago

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[–]MyMentalJukebox 13 points14 points ago

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You men go northwest! You men go southwest! I'm gonna walk around right here in a circle.

[–]DrissX 79 points80 points ago

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"If I determine the enemy's disposition of forces while I have no perceptible form, I can concentrate my forces while the enemy is fragmented. The pinnacle of military deployment approaches the formless: if it is formless, then even the deepest spy cannot discern it nor the wise make plans against it." -- Sun Tzu, "The Art of War"

[–]fireduck 30 points31 points ago

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Don't leave now, the drones need you. They look up to you.

[–]emlgsh 18 points19 points ago

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We've taken it a step further: we don't have any useful information anywhere to bother withholding!

[–]hyeniform 14 points15 points ago

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I would assume the best counter-intelligence is to have no intelligence at all?

[–]beepbeepimajeep_ 8 points9 points ago

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That's why the coolest gadgets/weapons/systems are either "classified" or "highly classified."

[–]Bitrandombit 32 points33 points ago

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But never in the warehouse, truck, plane or crate they are supposed to be in.

[–]FearTheStache13 13 points14 points ago

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my schizophrenic uncle used to play poker by not even looking at his cards for this exact reason....

[–]ThePopulationofChina 118 points119 points ago

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Thats comforting.

[–]__TITS__[S] 98 points99 points ago

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Don't worry, there is a method to all the madness... I think...

[–]swargin 66 points67 points ago

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Last year we got new J-cords for the headsets in our Strykers. They were already broke when we pulled them out of the package.

[–]KTR2 101 points102 points ago

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Those were just decoys.

[–]Astrodogg 56 points57 points ago

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The real ones may, or may not, be coming.

[–]KTR2 11 points12 points ago

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It sounds like you're involved in a psych experiment. Maybe they're vetting you for S.H.I.E.L.D. Or maybe something more boring like M.O.P.

[–]holyice7 28 points29 points ago

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"Made In China"

[–]SudoNoctem 29 points30 points ago

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the trick is we give none of our guys anything they need, or at least not entirely. then when we have a actual war we hand out the large stock piles of the gear we did not hand out the first time so your now poperly equiped and thus your jump in effectiveness could not be perdicted by even our most dasterdly enemys.

TLDR; its all apart of the plan man, all part of the plan.

[–]TheJokerWasRight 26 points27 points ago

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Your spelling made my nose start bleeding.

[–]lostpatrol[!] 62 points63 points ago

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Correct spelling is also withheld until actual war.

[–]RunningBearMan 4 points5 points ago

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My single favorite memory from Iraq is seeing a message on a whiteboard complaining about our "leardership".

[–]Mekanikos 4 points5 points ago

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We have done so much with so little for so long that we can now do anything with nothing.

[–]VadersGonnaVade 49 points50 points ago

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see that's where the USA gets all their power, people assume there must be a method to the madness and if there is, we must have the best system of intelligence and counter-intelligence the world has ever known! The big secret is, there's no method, just madness.

[–]johnny861 11 points12 points ago*

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The same could be said about the U.S. Government and political institutions, each department/ group having their own agenda. I think a lot of countries can't understand American government, because they assume we speak with with one voice, when it's really a bureaucratic sea of departments operating with semi-autonomously with a layer of checks and balances. Take Egypt, for example. The President at one point addressed The Egyptian leader Mubarak to negotiate with the people or face consequences, while the GOP and DNC agencies to promote democracy were operating in Egypt to help promote the rebel cause and while the State department was carrying on with normal channels with the Egyptian government. The US Military continued it's normal relationship with the Egyptian army.

So the natural response was, how can America say they are with the Egyptian people when they continue to do business with the dictator, while the dictator says the Americans say he should negotiate with the rebels, but they continue to support the rebels in his own country.

Chaos at work.

[–]DopeMonkey4201369 32 points33 points ago

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Not a secret any more dumbass -.-

[–]VadersGonnaVade 49 points50 points ago

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Or is it?!

[–]DopeMonkey4201369 14 points15 points ago

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AHA! now you're onto something!

[–]Almondcoconuts 6 points7 points ago

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Or are you?

[–]SiON42X[!] 114 points115 points ago

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Darling: A German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans.

Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder.

Blackadder: I certainly am sir. I didn't realize we had any battle plans.

Melchett: Of course we've got plans! How else do you think our battles are directed?

Blackadder: Our battles are directed, sir?

Melchett: Of course they are. Directed accoring to the grand plan.

Blackadder: Oh I see. And would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everybody's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig, and their tortoise, Alan?

[–][deleted] 74 points75 points ago

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Melchett: Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field.

Blackadder: Ah. Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy?

Captain Darling: How could you possibly know that, Blackadder? It's classified information!

Blackadder: It's the same plan that we used last time and the seventeen times before that.

Melchett: Exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it! It will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard! Doing precisely what we've done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time! There is, however, one small problem.

Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds.

Melchett: That's right. And Field Marshal Haig is worried this may be depressing the men a tad. So he's looking for a way to cheer them up.

Blackadder: Well, his resignation and suicide seems the obvious choice.

Melchett: Hmm, interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling.

[–]Today_is_Thursday 10 points11 points ago

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DARLING!!!

[–]SiON42X[!] 6 points7 points ago

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Captain Darling? Funny name for a guy isn't it? Last person I called darling was pregnant twenty seconds later.

[–]Rockerpult 17 points18 points ago

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"Men, treat your planes like you treat your women."

"Love them tenderly?"

"What!? God no! Get in 'em 5 times a day and take 'em to heaven and back!"

[–]bowery_boy 6 points7 points ago

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Woof!

[–]Rampant_Durandal 5 points6 points ago

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[–]merkey 133 points134 points ago

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It's like reading Catch 22 all over again!

[–]furtiveraccoon 40 points41 points ago

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But Orr... Orr figured it out!

[–]sicsemperTrex 24 points25 points ago

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What happened to Snowdens of yesteryear?

[–]ianscuffling 12 points13 points ago

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Where was that stooped and mealy-colored old man I used to call Poppa when the merry-go-round broke down?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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Balls!

[–]Andrew_Jay 3 points4 points ago

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I'm cold . . . I'm cold.

[–]furtiveraccoon 3 points4 points ago

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There there, there there

[–]db0255 20 points21 points ago

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Major Major Major Major!!!!!!!!

[–]summerkc 16 points17 points ago

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I was going to re-read it, but I had flies in my eyes.

[–]Titanomachy 2 points3 points ago

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I was going to read it, but I had crabapples in my cheeks.

[–]MiloMinderbender 13 points14 points ago

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The syndicate makes the profit. And everybody has a share.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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What's good for M&M enterprises is good for the country.

[–]jonnie5 5 points6 points ago

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Nothing disgusts me more than communism. Here, try this cotton, it's covered in chocolate.

[–]catullus48108 9 points10 points ago

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I have to read it again

[–]900fool 37 points38 points ago

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Reminds me of this quote by Nasser “The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make the rest of us wonder at the possibility that we might be missing something.”

[–]8Cowboy 4 points5 points ago

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Jesus, reminds me of my academic career.

[–]GeorgeRomero 27 points28 points ago*

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[–]grandom 80 points81 points ago

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The true meaning of half the discussions in the army:

"I don't know what I'm doing! Do you?"

"No. I don't think anyone does."

"So no one can tell if we're fucking up?"

"Nope."

"The army is awesome."

And this probably true for every army in the world. Not just you guys.

[–]RunningBearMan 8 points9 points ago

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I love my job in the Army because I'm the only one who knows what I'm supposed to be doing. I can do just about anything and call it good.

[–]bigchina408 72 points73 points ago

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When I was in the army, I didn't know wtf I was doing

[–][deleted] 31 points32 points ago

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It's a comfort knowing that men and women like you are protecting our country.

[–]bitparity 5 points6 points ago

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Remember, the guys working to maintain the planes you fly on from the airport feel the same way.

[–]E36wheelman 144 points145 points ago

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Marine here. We are the kings of clusterfuck.

[–][deleted] 91 points92 points ago

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Your methods may not be pretty, but they get things dead. That's all that really matters.

[–]PenguinCowboy 61 points62 points ago

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Just like your methods, ANAL_PENTRATION!

[–]wesman212 15 points16 points ago

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Good to know, AP. You just...keep it in your pants, ok?

[–]drc500free 2 points3 points ago

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Send the marines and promote the survivors.

[–]Pinhedd 17 points18 points ago

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We have two companies of Marines running rampant all over the northern half of this island, and three Army regiments pinned down in the southwestern corner, doing nothing. What the hell is going on? [Gen. John W. Vessey Jr., USA, Chairman of the the Joint Chiefs of Staff; during the assault on Grenada, 1983]

[–]venicerocco 40 points41 points ago

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One of the reasons the British were able to defeat the Germans in WW2 was because they correctly guessed that the German's Tank serial numbers were well organized (given the German stereotype) and so were able to predict how many tanks they had.

[–]crusoe 21 points22 points ago

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Also US artillery doctrine was much more advanced than the germans. Our tanks, sucked, our artillery rocked. Compared to the Germans, more lower rank americans could call in artillery, and our modified grid system made it pretty accurate. Massed German armor just didn't last long.

[–]dmanbiker 21 points22 points ago

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The US tanks were capable in the role they were designed for-- which was infantry support, not engaging superior tanks. The Tank Destroyers were supposed to use their superior speed to get to enemy breakthroughs and wreak havoc on enemy armor, which contrasted the European tank doctrine, with tanks that could basically fuck anything, and case-mated tank destroyers and assault guns that could do the same thing.

Regardless, the US did a remarkable job combating German armor. The Battle of El Guettar is a great example of US artillery prowess, where the Germans got caught up in a minefield while getting the fuck shelled out of them by US artillery and M10 tank destroyers.

[–]TheHIV123 6 points7 points ago

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Thank you, it gets really tiring to see everyone going around saying that American tanks sucked. They did not, when the Sherman was introduced in 1942, it was superior to everything the Germans fielded except for the Tiger. And even in 1945, the basic model of a Sherman tank could take on and defeat a Panzer 4 from normal combat ranges.

Sure they couldnt destroy the Panther head on, but they wersnt helpless as the Battle of Arracourt shows.

If anything, the tanks built by the Americans flaw was that they werent upgraded like they should be. And that was because they clung to a doctrine (the tank destroyer doctrine) that they rarely stuck to. And people like Lesley McNair went out of their way to make sure that the tank destroyers got priority.

[–]nastydawg6r 19 points20 points ago

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Prior service Infantryman here with 2 tours of Iraq (3/03-3/04 & 08/08-08/09) Entire military experience: Gaggle-fuck.

[–]throwaway246810 71 points72 points ago

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I am crying laughing at this all.

It's amazingly true, in a morbid Catch-22 way. My uncles went off to Viet-Nam and my dad was lucky and got stuck defending Kansas against the Viet-Cong. I got to take a peek at the letters they sent back to him during their deployment. Its a real case study in life, actually. My one uncle is fine, totally well adjusted man, but his time in the Mekong delta was a drunken opiated crazy time. My other uncle tried to make sense of the war, tried to understand it. He now lives outside of Stockholm and speaks no Swedish; the war drove him mad.

I remember trying to read the well-adjusted uncle's letters. They are the typical rantings of a drunk 20 year old in a war, its completely coherent for about half a page, and then the whiskey kicks in and it devolves into drawings of dicks and rants about the CO for 10 pages.

The now-crazy (NC) uncle did save my now-well-adjusted (NWA) uncle's life though. NWA had his papers misplaced and was just dumped into Viet-Nam without a name really. So, he was a pariah and they stuck him as lead gunner of a 50 cal. on the supply convoys. A death sentence, but try telling that to a 20 year old with a huge dick in his hands. The NC uncle actually appears out of the jungle ala Rambo 2, and knocks out the NWA uncle. He tells him later that he has to shoot at the water buffalo, not kill, as that WILL get him kicked off the convoys. The Vietnamese do not like it when you try to kill their expensive shitting tractors/fertilizers. So, NWA uncle shoots at the water buffalo, gets reprimanded (but still has no papers, so whatever), and a week later the whole convoy disappeared into the jungle (maybe died, who knows). That's when the drinking and OJs (opium joints) started invading the letters.

All in all, the letters taught me a good lesson about life. "Fuck 'em" is the best response usually. Get drunk, fuck 'em if they care, bastards prolly are just pissed their ugly asses can't get laid. The US army is trying to kill you? Fuck em, smoke opium. You brother is going insane? Fuck em, drink whisky. You job sucks? Fuck em, they're still paying you, so take a long lunch. I can post the letters a bit if there is interest.

TL;DR: Fuck 'em.

[–]inexcess 18 points19 points ago

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Post em!

[–]R0b0t1 4 points5 points ago

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Fuck 'em!

[–]alahos 18 points19 points ago

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So one thing you learned from you NWA uncle is 'Fuck the police'?

[–]throwaway246810 3 points4 points ago

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Yeah, kinda. At least, fuck thinking that they are any different that you and I. There just humans too, and odds are they would be great drinking buddies.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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So the other thing you learned from him was that he's a crazy motherfucker called Ice Cube, from a gang called Niggas With Attitude?

[–]inky13112 4 points5 points ago

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Interest

[–]Aiskhulos 3 points4 points ago

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I couldn't stop thinking "Niggaz With Attitude" while I read this.

[–]thomble 13 points14 points ago

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This was actual foreign policy in the United States under the Nixon administration: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madman_theory

[–]allthatittakes 12 points13 points ago

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DONT HIT ME, I'LL HIT ME... .I'm CRAZY

[–]playinodds 3 points4 points ago

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no. more like:

"If I see you looking at me funny I will cut your legs off, fuck your wife and your dog, then cut your dogs legs off and feed them to your wife."

you want to look at that dude funny?

[–]NorthStarZero 13 points14 points ago

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OK, war story time:

My unit was getting ready to deploy, and we were at the "final exam" exercise in Wainwright. One of our major tasks was to build something called a Joint District Coordination Centre (JDCC).

The Public Affairs Officer (PAO) has a big part of this, because it is no good building hearts and minds stuff if nobody knows about it. We're supposed to hold this big ground-breaking ceremony media event as the lead task, with all these VIPs coming to participate.

Well, the PAO has a heart attack, so I get tagged to do his job because I have the PSYOPS course. No big deal, unit main effort and all, I can do this.

I have to write the press releases that go out with the invites, and part of that is describing what a JDCC is. Problem: nobody knows; the doctrine behind them is so new that nothing is published yet. I go crazy trying to something I can use to write this stupid press release, but all I can find are people's ideas of what a JDCC might do. Nothing official.

Finally, with time running out, I make it up. Using the ideas people have been telling me, I write a vague and noncommittal document that sounds good without actually saying anything, and submit that. It is approved and goes out.

A week later, the people who are actually supposed to man this thing show up. "Aha!” quoth I "surely the people tasked to run this thing know what it is!” so I go visit their commander to get the terms of reference for a JDCC.

He says "yup, I have the document right here. It just showed up".

And he hands me - my press release.

You cannot make this shit up.

TL;DR: Made up document to save my ass, becomes official doctrine.

DG

[–]CubanCMcM 37 points38 points ago

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As a teacher in an activity that is very "fly by the seat of your pants" I honestly see logic in the American Military working on the fly a lot. Being able to adjust to any situation at any time and have adaptable fighting techniques makes 100% sense in my head.

[–][deleted] 31 points32 points ago

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We are taught to know the doctrine and disregard it as soon as a better solution presents itself.

[–]Foxtrot56 3 points4 points ago

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This is just some chain email that can apply to anything ever anywhere. The US military has incredibly detailed and concise instructions for the most minute tasks.

[–]Left4Bread 3 points4 points ago

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Minute tasks outside of combat, yes. Soldiers are trained in basic battle drills: react to contact, ambush, assault a bunker, etc. But they're also retaught these battle drills and procedures once they're placed with their unit, as each one has its own unique SOP for combat so the enemy can never fully anticipate how they'll fight.

[–]solisepsa 10 points11 points ago

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Is there a US Army subreddit?

[–]holyice7 62 points63 points ago

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It's all mods, and the code is broken.

[–]Bucky_Ohare 6 points7 points ago

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hahahaha....

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points ago

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It's like the drunken monkey fighting style

[–]Dunkelz 327 points328 points ago

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"from a Russian document", "a German general officer", and "anonymous", such good legitimate sources.

[–]RedPanther1 341 points342 points ago

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It's not necessary to be true to be funny.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Tokeli 7 points8 points ago

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Those are trying to pass themselves off as true.

This is just being funny.

[–]VictorRomeo 78 points79 points ago

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I saw the same thing while in the Canadian Army. It's just one of those chain emails that people pass around. Like the Hurt Feelings Report

[–]Solkre 9 points10 points ago

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They knew who said the last quote, they just lost the document with the information.

[–]AtomicSamuraiCyborg 8 points9 points ago

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AKA, "Fuck the manual, that's for wusses!"

[–]Piotr555 11 points12 points ago

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I think I'm in one of the most disorganized units in the Army. Found out two days ago I'm going to the field for 20 something days. Among other things that happen, I can't help but think FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-

[–]sleet01 7 points8 points ago*

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Sounds like SOP to me ^_^

[–]sleet01 6 points7 points ago

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While we were doing a peacekeeping mission in Bosnia my unit got some tapes from back home, including The Beast and Three Kings. It was like watching alternate-future documentaries of what would happen if our unit went to Afghanistan or Iraq. Luckily I got out before both of those futures came true.

[–]YoSoyElCid 8 points9 points ago

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We have manuals? I have yet to see one.

[–]MattyAmerica1 12 points13 points ago

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Hey, at least we're consistent.

[–]cbarrett1989 12 points13 points ago

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Former soldier here....This rings true on SOOOO many different levels.

[–]superanth 5 points6 points ago

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Well it's worked well so far...

[–]grrchee 4 points5 points ago

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hurry up and wait

[–]finalcut19 4 points5 points ago

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Wildcard, bitches!

[–]notsoeviltwin 8 points9 points ago

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"For every G.I Joe America has, we have one Gomer Pyle and one Beetle Bailey to go along with it...." --The Daily Show

[–]nataskaos 7 points8 points ago

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That's because when we were supposed to be doing SGT's time, or training, or prep work, our fucking Battalion CO had my god damned troops in the motor pool washing deuce and a halfs, or picking up trash, or out on funeral detail, or sweeping out parking lots, or waxing hallways...but you know, I am sure we can just figure out how to operate this multi-zbtrillion dollar machine on the fly when we get into a hostile situation.

sorry. flashback.

[–]neubs 5 points6 points ago

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Just turn Patton loose and let him fuck shit up.

[–]GideonBarish 8 points9 points ago

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America: The Button-Mashing little brother.

[–]hellfried707 2 points3 points ago

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And now for the battle plan. As you all know, the key to victory is the element of surprise.... Surprise!

-Zapp

[–]flyguysd 4 points5 points ago

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As a kid I felt like every adult knew exactly what they were doing, but as I've grown up I feel that these statements could go for nearly everyone.

[–]bigred9 2 points3 points ago

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And the older I get, the more I realize that I'm the only one who knows what he's doing.

[–]LeeHyori 7 points8 points ago

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This kind of reminds me of the situation of the Vulcans and humans in Star Trek. The Vulcans are extremely logical, so everything they do is very predictable. However, the reason why the technologically inferior humans tend to fare so well is because they're unpredictable and often do illogical things or make emotional choices.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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United States Army Logistics Evaluation Agency

This doesn't surprise me at all. The (past) industrial strength of the USA allowed its military logistic to rely on pure material superiority. If you can afford to squander your resources why even develop an intricate plan which wouldn't survive enemy contact anyway.

[–]wtfsven 2 points3 points ago

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This is the same for the Air Force, too.

[–]pullarius1 2 points3 points ago

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I remember in my Cold War class in college, the professor said that Nixon's strategy would to pretty much seem like an unreasonable crazy person so that the Russians would be scared of him.

[–]willscy 2 points3 points ago

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it worked well, the Russians were definitely scared of him.

[–]Yid 2 points3 points ago*

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"The Americans have all the equipment, we do not" - The British Army

[–]joomba08 2 points3 points ago

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I'm not in the army at all but I loled at this, +10 more points to America for constantly winging it and coming out on top.

[–]marishtar 2 points3 points ago

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America: Winging it since 1776

[–]Improudtoreddit 4 points5 points ago

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Ahhh reminds me of the good ole days.

[–]yin2lazy 13 points14 points ago*

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My National Gaurd during undergrad was soo incompentent. No one knew what was going on ALL the time. The CO became an officer on a degree bought off the internet. And they tried to send me to OCS for being an shitbag private who managed to get 90 credits and when I couldnt pass the PT test for my OCS app I convinced a sgt to pencil whip it. LOL Fun Times

[–][deleted] ago*

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[deleted]

[–]adv23 3 points4 points ago

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OCS?

[–]dog_in_the_vent 24 points25 points ago

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OCS is like BMT for O's, but after DADT went TU it's more like a TDY for HMMs.

[–]Nimonic 10 points11 points ago

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TLDR

[–]holyice7 45 points46 points ago

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Really? Are you seriously asking?

After that story, do you honestly think he knows what it means?