That's unfortunate. Want to hear the story of how my father discovered I'm into midget pornography? No? Well, suck my cojones, bitch-tits — you have no choice.

I had just come back my vacation around Europe, and was showing my father the pictures of my excursion over coffee. I sat across from him as he flipped through the pictures on my iPhone, and watched the look of awe and joy on his face turn into one of shocked bewilderment. He was silent for twenty solid seconds.

"... the fuck is this?" he finally croaked, turning the phone around to show me the picture. I had never heard my father swear before. His face was white.

My heart stopped momentarily when I saw the source of my father's outburst. "Christ! Dad... it's just some porn I found on the int—"

"This is you..." he interjected, "...giving oral sex... to a gnome..."

"NO! Well, they're not gnomes, they actually prefer to be call—"

"NO SON OF MINE!" he screamed, standing up suddenly as his chair toppled over behind him. He tossed the phone at me, and careened away from our table.

30 people in the small coffee shop watched as my father showed me his hindquarters and stormed away.

I immediately called my drug dealer.