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top 200 commentsshow all 466

[–]a-townie 417 points418 points ago

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"Today's gonna be the day..."

[–]Hysteriia 199 points200 points ago

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Aaaaand now fucking Wonderwall is stuck in my head. Thanks a lot.

[–]a-townie 101 points102 points ago

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I didn't even think of that. I'm so sorry

[–]Hysteriia 21 points22 points ago

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It's okay; you put me in the mood to listen to much better Oasis songs, so all is forgiven

[–]ENKC 39 points40 points ago

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By which you mean 'much less overplayed Oasis songs'. If Wonderwall was a lesser known album track, you'd probably view it more kindly.

[–]Hysteriia 20 points21 points ago

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I'm fully aware that my dislike for the song stems from that; I used to love it before it became that song the douchebag with the acoustic guitar plays at parties to seem cool

Champagne Supernova is almost the same way, but because I find it such an amazing song, I care much less that it is so overplayed

/unwarranted rant

[–]agent-99 13 points14 points ago

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champagne supanover

[–]pBeloBAC11 8 points9 points ago

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Fuckit, Champagne Supernova is an amazing song. And because it's so long, I don't mind it being played again and again.

[–]TheMarshma 5 points6 points ago

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Haha, I don't play it in front of people for this reason(actually I don't play in front of people at all), but I love playing that song on acoustic guitar. =p

You should try it, it's a pretty fun and SUPER easy song.

[–]gfixler 1 point2 points ago

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I am not a douchebag!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]wootfish 8 points9 points ago

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Okay, I know we're all thinking it, so I'm gonna go ahead and say it.

Ew.

[–]SeamusMcCullagh 2 points3 points ago

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Yeah well......uh.....wait, what the fuck did I just read?

[–]IamNoqturnal 1 point2 points ago

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What did you expect coming to a reddit thread about hygiene?

[–]ENKC 4 points5 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]daveduckman 1 point2 points ago

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TYL that wonderwall is actually just a flower... ಠ_ಠ

[–]Mister_Slick 1 point2 points ago

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Sorry doesn't cut it. By now you should have somehow realised what you've got to do.

[–]I_Wont_Draw_That 68 points69 points ago

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Today is gonna be the day

That they're gonna go down on you

[–]sunnyseas 37 points38 points ago

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By now she should have somehow

Realized what she's got to do

[–]Barelybipolar 23 points24 points ago

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I dont believe that anybody feels you up the way I do, especially now

[–]naithemilkman 14 points15 points ago

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And all the bj hopes we have are winding

[–]truefinn 11 points12 points ago

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And all the blueness in my balls is arising

[–]kresblain 11 points12 points ago

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There are many things I would like to do to you

But I don't know how

[–]rmccue 14 points15 points ago

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'cause maybe, you're gonna F-U-C-K me

[–]dertydan 8 points9 points ago

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And after all, no more stinky baaaallllss!

[–]a-townie 1 point2 points ago

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Brilliant! Definitely made my morning.

[–]inkedexistence 1 point2 points ago

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[–]ani625 7 points8 points ago

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"Tonight's the night.."

[–]FredCompany 1 point2 points ago

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"Today's the day! When'sa your Dolmio day?

[–]kbinferno 1 point2 points ago

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"and it's going to happen again, and again."

[–]Blackmar 7 points8 points ago

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i've been telling myself that for months

maybe tomorrow :(

[–]Haddadios 18 points19 points ago

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Years here. It's so clean it's squeaky.

[–]Baron_Tartarus 4 points5 points ago

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I wonder how long until a "fixed" version of this is at the top, for all the people that NEVER even have to worry about that. I give it 3 hours.

[–]imatat 1 point2 points ago

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"...I learn about oral hygiene."

[–][deleted] 78 points79 points ago

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I can't remember the last time someone touched my dick, but this is pretty much the only reason I bathe.

[–]smactosh 32 points33 points ago

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This hit a little too close to home for my liking.

[–]Theotropho 30 points31 points ago

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I touched your dick last night you faget.

[–]murbmurbmurb 1 point2 points ago

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I believe it's called a "gentleman's wash" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6U0m2wanio

[–]patefoisgras 205 points206 points ago

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Goddamn it. If the internet's taught me anything, it's that I am in NO freaking way unique, or even strange.

[–]sdabrucelee 46 points47 points ago

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And god bless it for that.

[–]ani625 64 points65 points ago

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And now, your can take your left hand off your chin.

[–]D14BL0 36 points37 points ago

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That's it, I'm putting black tape over my webcam. I don't trust you fuckers anymore.

[–]Vikinglogic 15 points16 points ago

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No fuck you, i only just put it there!

[–]TanktopModul 4 points5 points ago

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You're a fucking wizard.

[–]zman0728 2 points3 points ago

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Mind reader...

[–]A_reddit_user 2 points3 points ago

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This one was kinda odd, as I just put my left hand on my face as I began reading it.

[–]GFandango 2 points3 points ago

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Literally had jaw drop as I read your comment.

[–]Corfal 1 point2 points ago

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It's because most people use the mouse with their right hand D=

[–]IvanZhukov 1 point2 points ago

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Relevant

Still freaks me out a little bit everytime someone mentions it.

Edit: Finished typing. Immediately put my left hand back to the chin. ಠ_ಠ

[–]Mrsteddyruxpin 34 points35 points ago

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On behalf of all women...thank you for washing. Nothing worse than going down on a guy and getting that swampy aroma. Gross.

[–]Venjamin 7 points8 points ago

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Men aren't the only ones who get this problem.. -_-

[–]CarlLady 116 points117 points ago

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Thank you men who do this. Went down on a guy the other day and almost went right back up the smell was so rank.

[–]snookers 233 points234 points ago

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Almost.

[–]sdabrucelee 135 points136 points ago

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She's a hero.

[–]CarlLady 44 points45 points ago

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Not the hero blowjobs needs right now, but the one it deserves. (or something to that effect)

[–][deleted] ago*

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[deleted]

[–]CarlLady 17 points18 points ago

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Your wording is an improvement

[–]CarlLady 40 points41 points ago

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I'm a trooper.

[–]soosuh 15 points16 points ago

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so brave.

[–]GustavoFrings 11 points12 points ago

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Why...just why did you continue?

[–]CarlLady 23 points24 points ago

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Also, I dunno. I like giving them. Plus it was gonna lead to sex and stuff. Seemed worth it. Take your pick

[–]GOODB0Y 11 points12 points ago

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I'm ready

[–]Lidodido 2 points3 points ago

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You... you are so brave!

[–]I-Love-Penis 2 points3 points ago

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Am I the only person that loves sweaty balls?

[–]CarlLady 4 points5 points ago

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You might be.

[–]machzel08 6 points7 points ago

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The teardrop.

Yes I just quoted Dane Cook, I know reddit hates him. Lay off.

[–]CarlLady 5 points6 points ago

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Your secret's safe with me.

[–]hperez1432 51 points52 points ago*

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I'm married, so I don't have to worry about unexpected blowjobs

[–]Orimos 52 points53 points ago

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I'm sorry for your loss.

[–]x_x_x_x_x 1 point2 points ago

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no loss (of semen)

[–]Theotropho 8 points9 points ago

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I am also married, they are all unexpected blowjobs now. "all" is a very loose term here not denoting any type of quantity.

[–]Digipy 101 points102 points ago

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If I'm getting on well with a girl at a gathering I'll go have a "gentlemen's wash" in the sink for this very reason.

[–]tega174 126 points127 points ago

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[–]prettier_version 126 points127 points ago

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[–]Spftly 70 points71 points ago

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[–]Forthegift2011 1 point2 points ago

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Who is that man? He's handsome.

[–]Sf4tt 1 point2 points ago

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Massimo D'Alema, an italian politician.

[–]BebopPatrol 16 points17 points ago

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It's like 3D maaaaan

[–]Zoccihedron 5 points6 points ago

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I just went through all your comments and I believe I have developed a tolerance to the prettier version.

[–]Kunkletown 58 points59 points ago

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Is that like the male version of whore bathing?

[–]im_too_literal 93 points94 points ago

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Why does the guy version get to sound so dignified?

[–]PureClass 34 points35 points ago

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Double standards?

[–]redlightnetherlands 28 points29 points ago

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It just sounds better than "cleanin the nut sack"

[–]spicymeataballa 10 points11 points ago

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Because sex, thats why.

[–]Digipy 4 points5 points ago

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i imagine the whole act is a lot more dignified. Standing up straight and polishing your helmet in the sink has to be more dignified than squatting or putting one leg on the toilet seat and scooping your clunge out. I might even salute when i'm done in the future.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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what's whore bathing?

[–]Captain_Generous 33 points34 points ago

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When a whore goes to the restroom, and cleans her whore vagina in the sink, because she's a whore

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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Haha ok. I learned something new today :-/...now I have that image in my head, is it bad that I'm laughing?

[–]Captain_Generous 3 points4 points ago

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Laughing is good for health. So even if you are laughing at whore va-jay-jays, its OK. Dont feel bad. Take an upvote.

[–]Hollipeno 1 point2 points ago

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I thought a whore bath was something they do after the deed... ?

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]chemicalcomfort 8 points9 points ago

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Suddenly my life started making a lot more sense when I started reminiscing of past sexual encounters.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]chemicalcomfort 5 points6 points ago*

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Specifically I was talking more in reference to some girls that always seemed to go to the bathroom just before sex. Perhaps there's still some mystery there I have haven't sleuthed, but this seems to make sense.

[–]Digipy 9 points10 points ago

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that's what they mean by 'freshen up'

[–]chemicalcomfort 2 points3 points ago

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Somehow it didn't click for me that that entailed: "Hey I'm gonna go give my vagina a sponge bath real quick."

[–]missfarthing 5 points6 points ago

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Or they could just have to pee. If I have even a little pressure on my bladder it can make me a bit uncomfortable during sex.

[–]kilo4fun 9 points10 points ago

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Considering I fart almost all day, and my junk gets funk after only about 3 or four hours, I make a shower pretty much mandatory before any receipt of oral. Makes spontaneous sex kind of a no go in all but the most drunken of encounters, but I'd rather kill the mood for a few minutes and go wash than get whispered about. Stinky dick kilo doesn't suit me.

[–]Theotropho 1 point2 points ago

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They were just going to do cocaine because they couldn't bare the thought of fucking you sober.

[–]GreyReanimator 3 points4 points ago

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Does this happen in a public restroom? If so are there other guys around and then what is their reaction? Is there a bathroom attendant, does he still offer you a towel?

[–]Captain_Generous 9 points10 points ago

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At least half the time the restrooms got dudes cleaning their dicks in the sink. If your feelin Generous, you help the other people with a little scrub scrub

[–]B_S_O_D 1 point2 points ago

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Not sure if trolling or wildly awkward lady.

[–]LOOKITSADAM 1 point2 points ago

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I instinctively read that in James May's voice. It fit perfectly.

[–]ubiliquous 3 points4 points ago

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I was minimizing your comment, when suddenly i went too far to the left and clicked on 'upvote' accidentally.. and thats why I upvoted your comment!

[–]dudefractals 49 points50 points ago

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To wash the smell of lotion off incase of unexpected BJ.

[–]ani625 20 points21 points ago

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You're in an advanced level, dude.

[–]boomhauer_speaks 225 points226 points ago

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Man, I can't even count how many dang ol' times I did this, man. Little freshenin' up down below musta saved 'bout twenty daggone nights of mine, tell you what. Mmm mm.

[–]Blazingcrono 11 points12 points ago

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Yep.

[–]smactosh 6 points7 points ago

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Mhmm.

[–]Reddittoomuch 39 points40 points ago

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First time coming across this novelty account. Upvote.

[–]boomhauer_speaks 92 points93 points ago

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Bet you ten bucks right now dang ol' joke'll wear off in two days, man.

[–]ActuallyBadAdvice 14 points15 points ago

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I find that when encountering new novelty accounts, it's a good idea to tell them just how much you like them. Like if it's really good, you would tell them, "Wow you're really good! UPVOTE!" And you should tell them how good they are all the time. You can also apply this logic to women, but make sure you tell them how much you like them CONSTANTLY, otherwise they might forget.

[–]Prince-of-Plots 7 points8 points ago

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This is a great novelty account

[–]OverlyEmotional 17 points18 points ago

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NO IT'S NOT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

[–]dhaft88 1 point2 points ago

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He's a fraud. This guy was here first.

[–]theonly_brunswick 2 points3 points ago

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Been following this account for a while, you do solid work buddy!

[–]GOODB0Y 8 points9 points ago

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So 6 hours?

[–]Call-Me-Ishmael 2 points3 points ago

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There used to be another Boomhauer novelty account, but I can't remember the username.

[–]Shermanpk 76 points77 points ago

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I must admit, I do wash my man parts every day because my girlfriend likes to turn up unannounced and give me sneaky BJ's.

[–]SkepticalPanda 150 points151 points ago

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not like I'm jealous or anything

[–]Shermanpk 27 points28 points ago

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I was driving her car (a convertible mini) home from a part and suddenly she's sucking me off... While driving through along a windy road at 80. I have never focused more on driving in my life!

[–]NotTart5 13 points14 points ago

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You drive without pants?

[–]bs_novelty_account 20 points21 points ago

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You don't?

[–]cojafoji 17 points18 points ago

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Your boisterous, yet calm description of said event leads me to believe that YOU GO BRO.

[–]ani625 4 points5 points ago

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The other day I was watching t.. hnnnnngg hhnnggggg

[–]roguedriver 1 point2 points ago

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I had a similar experience except I forgot to concentrate on the road and drove into a spoon drain (like this but in the middle of the road) at about 60km/h (should have been at about 20km/h).

Needless to say, the fear that she would bite down on it as the car bounced around means I'll never want one while driving again.

[–]Jazzbandrew 3 points4 points ago

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HEY LOOK! THIS GUY...something!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Ah yes the Sneaky Beej. Indeed its introduction is quite discreet.

[–]Athene_Wins 39 points40 points ago

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That takes away a lot of the flavour though

[–]AsianInvasion4 23 points24 points ago

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And texture!

[–]15delpiero 52 points53 points ago

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Another reason is so I don't smell like absolute ballsack

[–]baddrummer 22 points23 points ago

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I think that fits in with General Hygiene.

[–]GustoGaiden 15 points16 points ago

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The flavored vodkas need to stop

[–]Captain_Generous 1 point2 points ago

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Ballsack flavored vodka is my fave

[–]Theotropho 5 points6 points ago

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Oh man, sometimes I do it so my ballsack doesn't smell like another woman's vag.

[–]lolgrim 25 points26 points ago

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Dunno, I like to clean myself because I don't want unruly shit taking up residence on my dick.

But that could just be me.

[–]MrValdez 16 points17 points ago

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How the hell does shit gets on your dick?

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

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He's flexible.

[–]econleech 6 points7 points ago

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Doesn't have to be his own.

[–]AFroodyLlama 3 points4 points ago

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And why is unruly?

[–]vinny962 2 points3 points ago

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i think it was one of the more creative euphemisms for enjoying anal sex i've heard

[–]tbscotty68 36 points37 points ago*

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My advice to youngsters: if you ever make out with a girl for more than 15 minutes, excuse yourself to wash your junk. Never give a woman an excuse to not blow you!

Edit: I assume this goes for gay dudes, too.

[–]abitRandom 60 points61 points ago

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I imagine both dudes going:

"Oh..hmm.. I need to ...go do something..."

"Oh yes..me too!..."

Then they both catch each other in the bathroom furiously washing their junk.

[–]baddrummer 9 points10 points ago

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May as well give it the ole' spit shine.

[–]jamurp 3 points4 points ago*

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"I hope you will excuse me ma lady, I must now go and bathe my balls"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Haha this made me laugh so hard!

[–]Theotropho 2 points3 points ago

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This is why I only fuck coke whores and only anally. Less concerns for hygiene. Also, I haven't read any studies but I'm pretty sure pissing up her ass as you start reduces the chance of contracting HIV.

[–]tbscotty68 5 points6 points ago

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Yes, I'm certain that I saw that in last months New England Journal of Medicine.

[–]Theotropho 4 points5 points ago

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A fine and scholarly journal indeed.

[–]Dev1l5Adv0cat3 5 points6 points ago

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As a virgin, this is true.

[–]GFandango 1 point2 points ago

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Just sitting there with my shaved, washed penis waiting for that unexpected bj...

[–]Berdiie 7 points8 points ago

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Cut and file your nails too. It only takes a little bit of time, but scratching your SO when you're fingering them is a quick way to kill the mood. It only takes me a week or two to end up with some wicked owl talons and no one enjoys that.

[–]gamerguyal 21 points22 points ago

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That's also the only reason why I shave my man parts. No girl wants to blow a tumbleweed.

[–]jonnyrotten7 14 points15 points ago

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Unexpected blowjobs really are the best type of blowjobs. God I love blowjobs.

[–]Reddittoomuch 11 points12 points ago

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But its true.

Let your smelly balls deny you a random blow job from someone you just met.

You will cease to exist...on every level

Note: unless your in a japanese hentai

[–]dcthree 13 points14 points ago

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[–]GraspinglySilver 17 points18 points ago

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I don't understand why women don't do this for the same reason.

[–]noel_klaus 33 points34 points ago

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We do...

[–]GraspinglySilver 82 points83 points ago

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...I need to meet cleaner women.

[–]CarlLady 8 points9 points ago

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Hahaha, I am sorry I laughed at you for this, but it was funny.

[–]linlorienelen 3 points4 points ago

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I'll try, but short of squatting in a sink, clean clean is hard to get without stepping into a shower.

Sorry.

[–]seamouse 3 points4 points ago

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squat in the sink

[–]FightScene 7 points8 points ago

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It's easier for them. They can just put a listerine strip on it.

[–]BebopPatrol 2 points3 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]medopal 7 points8 points ago

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Apparently, they THINK they are clean, but they don't know that 15 minutes of walking or even sitting through a movie will make their thing smell like blaaaa5

[–]bizarrokate 12 points13 points ago

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I'm sure most women know this. It's just harder to keep something sparkling clean when most of it is internal.

[–]tummybox 6 points7 points ago

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So what do you want them to do? Damn.

[–]cdcformatc 7 points8 points ago

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You know how surgeons have to wash their entire arms up past the elbow, cover them in antiseptic, and then have to hold their arms above the waist before putting gloves on?

[–]SIR_FURT_WIGGLEPANTS 3 points4 points ago

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jolly ranchers?

[–]tummybox 2 points3 points ago

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Oh god. NO!

[–]a_park_bench 12 points13 points ago

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Sadly, this is true. Had the chance for an unexpected BJ, I actually had to turn her down because I had woken up late that morning and hadn't had a chance to do a good scrubbing. Worst day of my life :(

[–][deleted] 20 points21 points ago

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[–]Biff_Bifferson 11 points12 points ago

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..............hm.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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That's the sound she'll make before the

[–]Theotropho 1 point2 points ago

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Your argument is both sound and convincing.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Well, I am a gentleman and a scholar, so this should not be surprising. I was also the head of my debate team.

[–]acg706 2 points3 points ago

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...assuming that unexpected blowjobs are just a part of life. That sounds like a good life.

[–]ubiliquous 2 points3 points ago

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So many times I have washed my groin in vain!

[–]deargodwut 3 points4 points ago

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Also, pineapples.

[–]dmun 5 points6 points ago

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You kidding? I shave and wash my butt very thoroughly every day-- and if I know a lady friend will be over and I've used the bathroom, I'll shower and wash again. One guess why....

sigh hasn't happened yet, but maybe some day all my preparation will pay off...

[–]sumsarus 7 points8 points ago

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I shave and wash my butt very thoroughly every day

Hold on, need to get this straight. Shaving your butt?

[–]dmun 1 point2 points ago

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Yeah. When someone eventually gets to tonguing down my crack, you think I want ass hair in the way? Plus, it makes wiping and general cleanliness easier.

I'm not talking about the cheeks, by the way.

[–]wildpeaches 4 points5 points ago

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As a woman who enjoys random acts of cocksucking...I support this. Nothing ruins a bj faster than sweaty balls.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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Protip: Girls do this too

[–]thunderbolted 1 point2 points ago

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you only have to be right once

[–]kevbo220 1 point2 points ago

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this goes out to all those spontaneous girls that keep usually dirty guy roommates clean because of one random drunken night. I salute you. Seriously, I sincerely appreciate your contribution to society.

[–]cyruskup 1 point2 points ago

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I know it sounds weird. But you can correlate how long it's been since my last blowjob by how long my pubes are too.

[–]Ras_H_Tafari 1 point2 points ago

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I wash my junk so by balls don't grow an armadillo-like shell of flaky skin

[–]Duaniss 1 point2 points ago

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The exact same reason I try not to lag on trimming the old bush. The one time the neighbor gets locked out and needed to use a phone, the first time I had let it get out of control since my last relationship.

[–]huntermaclean 1 point2 points ago

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A little Baby Powder on the ol' ballsack is also a good idea.

[–]777kid 1 point2 points ago

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Shouldn't we be thanked for this???

[–]kentamari 1 point2 points ago

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i actually do so because dick cheese is not the biz

[–]The_DHC 1 point2 points ago

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Always keep your rifle combat-ready, even in peacetime.

[–]MisterLich 1 point2 points ago

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I'm still waiting for the day. Keeping myself ready just in case.

[–]Gawdzillers 1 point2 points ago

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I'm going to a party this weekend. I considered picking up some condoms at the store, but I figured, "Ain't gonna happen anyway."

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Jibjabber87 1 point2 points ago

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I laughed way too hard on this one... My gf is sitting next to me and always wondered why I shower so much... Now she knows

[–]m4xm4n 2 points3 points ago

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As a male, I can confirm that such unexpected events do play a factor.

[–]full_of_stars 3 points4 points ago

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It's like someone just took a little peek inside my head. Can't say I'm not a little violated.

[–]that_thing_you_do 2 points3 points ago

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This is why I make sure my room is spotless and my bed is made on Friday and Saturday nights before I go out. It's useless 99% of the time... And yet we all can agree, worth it.