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all 198 comments

[–]fuckunt 206 points207 points ago

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I know what mine does. She fucking scratches our wardrobe door then jumps on the bed and purrs loudly into my ear, rubbing her stupid wet nose all over my face.

[–]Dumey 161 points162 points ago

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Fucking affection.

[–]Software_Engineer 41 points42 points ago

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She's actually marking her territory; this isn't showing affection.

[–]mamjjasond 28 points29 points ago

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The difference being what exactly?

[–]bricardo 45 points46 points ago

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The difference is in the fucks given.

[–]Inquisitr 67 points68 points ago

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False, as the amount of fucks given by a cat is at all times zero.

[–]irrelephantusrname 13 points14 points ago

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This should be summed up in a mathematical theorem.

Inquisitr's Constant: the amount of fucks given by a cat is at all times equal to zero.

EDIT: to make it sound more math-y

[–]Matriss 8 points9 points ago

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[–]FeierInMeinHose 4 points5 points ago

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So the maximum number of fucks given by a cat is 1, but that is only if you are about to die, otherwise it's zero (since fucks are stored in an int).

[–]HELLO_This_Is_Pedant 1 point2 points ago

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int fucksGiven <= 10

[–]I_Will_Allow_This 0 points1 point ago

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What about sexual intercourse

[–]k80k80k80 0 points1 point ago

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Cat does not give a fuck. However, cat does take a fuck.

[–]Inquisitr 0 points1 point ago

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I'm Inquisitr, and I approve this message.

[–]ghosttrainhobo 3 points4 points ago*

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Try giving a cat a bath and you'll come up with a non-zero answer.

edit: typo

[–]le_trout 4 points5 points ago

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Is my car broken? The last time I gave it a bath it just sat there contentedly.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]lojic 0 points1 point ago

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Safely tagged for next time. Also ew.

[–]SomeCapsRage 1 point2 points ago

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Look at the username. What the hell did you expect?

[–]danielvago 6 points7 points ago

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I've read a bunch on this from various cat-sites and they all say that it is indeed affection.

It's true she/he is marking her territory; but she only does it to animals she trusts to be in her pack.

It's not her being dominant it's how cats work. When cats mark you as "hers" it's the greatest compliment she can give you and you should take it as a bonding experience and a positive, which it is.

She likes you, dammit!

[–]BeezowPooPoo_ZGopGop 3 points4 points ago

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How exactly do we know this? Source? Serious question. Cat Whisperer?

[–]Software_Engineer 3 points4 points ago

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i heard it from a friend who has like a billion cats

[–]BeezowPooPoo_ZGopGop 5 points6 points ago

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How does he/she know?

[–]Software_Engineer 19 points20 points ago

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she's a cat

[–]BeezowPooPoo_ZGopGop 5 points6 points ago

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Oh, ok. Thanks.

[–]charlemagne_the_cat 1 point2 points ago

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I'm a cat and i approve of these meowssages

[–]StackOfFiveMarmots 2 points3 points ago

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Well, in a loose sense he may be correct. Cats have scent glands in their cheeks. When they are rubbing their face against your leg or other things they are scenting the object.

I've also read that when cats do this to humans it is supposed to be a signal of "I acknowledge you're bigger/superior to me, but lets be friendly". How much truth there is to this aspect of the cheek rubbing, I cannot say for sure.

[–]Chachoregard 32 points33 points ago

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"Why are you asleep? WAKE UP. I WANT TO PLAY."

[–]jsellout 26 points27 points ago

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[–]Starts_Sing-Alongs 5 points6 points ago

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Wake up! (Wake up.)

[–]redgroupclan 5 points6 points ago

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Grab a brush and put on a little makeup!

[–]Hopper64 7 points8 points ago

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meow meow meow meow meow meowmeow meow SHAKE UP

[–]bearpawd 5 points6 points ago

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why'd you leave the treats upon the table?

[–]FeierInMeinHose 1 point2 points ago

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Here you go playing some more Fable!

[–]dertydan 1 point2 points ago

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You wanted to!

[–]p3dr0maz 2 points3 points ago

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It's the first of the month!

[–]Erkel85 4 points5 points ago

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[–]GreenBalconyChair 10 points11 points ago

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D'aaaawww....

[–]jakemyers7 3 points4 points ago

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SEND THAT BITCH BACK TO NARNIA

[–]russiangn 3 points4 points ago

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YES. YES. YES. Girls say "awwww how cute". But it's really not. It's like a diesel engine starting in your ear lol

[–]stockmasterflex 0 points1 point ago

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That's not her nose...

[–]Lawlliipop 0 points1 point ago

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Cats aren't the only one that have wet noses.

[–]thehollowman84 0 points1 point ago

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You know for a website that supposedly loves cats, this thread is a whole lot of people that don't.

[–]samofny 0 points1 point ago

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Your girlfriend is odd

[–]danielvago -2 points-1 points ago

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She has energy to burn during the night-time. Why not let her outside?

[–]fuckunt 0 points1 point ago

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I would love to, and thank you for the suggestion, but unfortunately due to an injury sustained before I rescued her that healed incorrectly she has a dodgy back leg and has to stay inside.

[–]Edibleface 49 points50 points ago

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passive aggressive purring. meow to be let in bedroom. meow to be let out of bedroom. meow to have door opened to stand in doorway. meow because she meowed.

Me-Wow

[–]earthDF 20 points21 points ago

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I had a cat that lived to be 20ish (we stopped keeping track around 17. Or at least, I did, since it was older than me.)

She went at least partially deaf. Since she could no longer hear her meows, she compensated by meowing louder and LOUDER the more deaf she got.

[–]mainstreaminghipster 2 points3 points ago

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lucky guy, when my cats wants to get into my bedroom and the door is closed it just jumps up and "grabs" the door handle on its way down. and yes, that's very loud..

[–]Bethurz 2 points3 points ago

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Have you tried keeping the door open? That would cut down meowing by 75%.

[–]Edibleface 1 point2 points ago

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while it would reduce the cause of the meowing by 75%, that remaining 25% of the cause would then be used for 100% of the net volume of meow emitted by this feline.

Also, leaving my door open for some reason makes me very paranoid :(

[–]Psythik 30 points31 points ago

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[–]moustachemustache 9 points10 points ago

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THAT WAS ADORABLE!!! I want a cat that loves me :(

[–]hahaheeheehoho 2 points3 points ago

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There are many ready to love you down at your local shelter!

[–]DespicableUnicorn 1 point2 points ago

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That was a heartbreaking line. I can't give you a cat, so have an upvote!

[–]Hopper64 3 points4 points ago

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They start being such assholes before sun-up, seriously.

[–]SpeedyTaco626 1 point2 points ago

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And knowing is half the battle

[–]persona 0 points1 point ago

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Thank you, I've been looking for that video.

[–]playthev 0 points1 point ago

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and when he finally wakes up, it probably runs away

[–]tomasziam 28 points29 points ago

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Mine masturbates into wads of Kleenex and then leaves them on the computer desk for my roommate to find...

[–]goose666 6 points7 points ago

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Blame it on the dog..

[–]Willowmound 30 points31 points ago

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Knowing something of cats, it probably involves a lot of sitting around in different spots, sniffing things and maybe tasting them, running away because someone opened a door and hunkering down under cars for hours at a time. Then home in time for morning cuddles and snacks.

[–]StoryGopher 4 points5 points ago

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My cat loves Reitmans shopping bags. I think he likes how the plastic feels on his tongue.

[–]skintigh 24 points25 points ago

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I had a cat that would do that. Middle of the night: crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, god damnit I'll get up and hide the bag. Zzzzzzzz... crinkle.

[–]TimeTravelMishap 61 points62 points ago

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Vomits in obscure places in the apt so you wont find it till long after it has dried. That's what they do. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

[–]peoriabigred 25 points26 points ago

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Or in the middle of the floor. So when you're walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night you step in it.

[–]thrilldigger 19 points20 points ago

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And then meows happily at you and expects you to scratch her ears while you're trying to wipe vomit off of your feet.

[–]Affar 0 points1 point ago

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No, they just put the adorable face

[–]aterlumen 5 points6 points ago

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Level 2: They do this on a hard surface so you slip and then fall into it. Then, as you're writhing in pain they start rubbing on your face and purring happily.

[–]peoriabigred 1 point2 points ago

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Mine would lay on my chest and lick my nose as though nothing happened.

[–]Redcard911 4 points5 points ago

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There is nothing like the feeling of warm vomit between your toes...

[–]peoriabigred 5 points6 points ago

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Or cold.

[–]KhamanV 1 point2 points ago

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In my house, it's always cold.

[–]Critram 3 points4 points ago

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I think my cat pukes in her little box so she doesn't frustrate me. I've only ever seen her/found her puke once in her 3 year life so far.

[–]goose666 1 point2 points ago

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just like women in that the older they get the less they will care... Look forward to more.

[–]samofny 0 points1 point ago

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You can fix that, it shouldn't be vomiting every night.

[–]ONXwat 0 points1 point ago

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My cat has been looking for interesting places to shit and piss. she's found a lot, i think. i can't tell if i'm smelling the same old piss or new piss. i hate this cat.

[–]bravoredditbravo 26 points27 points ago

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I've always imagined some sort of block party with all the other cats in the neighborhood. Thats why she sleeps all day

[–]hydrogenous 8 points9 points ago

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Yeah, I've seen it happen before. We always just called them "pussy parties".

[–]earthDF 6 points7 points ago

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Interesting fact: The sleep all night as well. Cats are like the third laziest creatures on earth, last i checked, only lower than sloths and koalas.

[–]danielvago 2 points3 points ago

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16 hours a day is spend sleeping.

[–]Tovora 4 points5 points ago

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And the other 8 hours is spent napping so they have enough energy for sleeping.

[–]dizzaray 2 points3 points ago

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I've witnessed a circle of cats (including a couple of mine) gather in the middle of the street to watch and play with a mouse. Although, this was during the day.

[–]bravoredditbravo 0 points1 point ago

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You witnessed a glimpse of cat culture that few ever will

[–]Zelpst 64 points65 points ago*

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Obviously, they run around putting their butts on everything. Put some lipstick on that thing next time you want to decorate for Christmas......little asterisk shaped snowflakes everywhere.

[–]goose666 17 points18 points ago

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Christmas crinkle stars.

[–]Greyhaven7 5 points6 points ago

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They use their butt holes like little suction-cups for added stability when sitting on things. Safety first.

[–]the_str 0 points1 point ago

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asshole lipstick

[–]Swede_ 5 points6 points ago

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assstick?

[–]inuyome1008 12 points13 points ago

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Mine sleeps right next to the crook my body makes while I'm sleeping. I don't move when I go to sleep so I wake up and she's still right where I left her. She's a good cat :)

[–]Affar 5 points6 points ago

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That is what you think....

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Mine does this, too. :)

[–]SuperDuper-C 13 points14 points ago

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I've woke up one night to see at least 8 other cats circled around mine in my garden. Not threatening or anything, more like they we're having a silent meeting.

[–]hey_mr_crow 0 points1 point ago

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That's serious business, you know.

http://www.yobusinesscat.com/img/bcat.png

[–]ONXwat 0 points1 point ago

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:\ i've seen this before, biking around late at night in the neighborhood, stray cats would meet up with cats who had owners but were outdoor cats. i could tell the difference as i recognize most of the cats around here now

[–]KingNick 10 points11 points ago

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My fat fuck that poses as a Maine Coon?

She sleeps right next to the left side of my head. Taking my left arm and pretty much hugging it between her paws, she snores and drools all over my hand.

Then, when I finally get to sleep...she wakes me up my meowing right in my fucking face at around 3:30am because my door is only cracked, and not wide the fuck open for her majesty to waltz through...only to wildly meow on the other side of the door when she realizes she's now by herself.

God damnit I love that fucking cat to pieces :,)

[–]SovietMan 0 points1 point ago

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Awww. You are indeed a king

[–]Kitty_party 9 points10 points ago

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Secret kitty things.

[–]kx2w 8 points9 points ago

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It's fucked up. The later I stay awake the more dormant they seem, but if I 'go to sleep' and come out 20 minutes later they're guaranteed to be in some weird spot with that "what have I done??" guilty look on their face.

[–]Uberslaughter 7 points8 points ago

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The same thing they do every night, Pinky.

[–]eXXaXion 7 points8 points ago

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Where I live you can hear the cats fighting deadly battles all night long. They scream in pain, rage and pure agony alike rangig from 'meiowowowow' to 'meiarararogw'. When I look out the window the next morning I see no cat bodies nor any blood. This is what really scares me.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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Common tactic in war, they take the bodies with them so you dont know how many were killed or how many there were.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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right...fighting.

[–]NaturalLogofOne 7 points8 points ago

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He's plotting.

[–]rynorynoryno 19 points20 points ago

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[–]NaturalLogofOne 19 points20 points ago

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Based on that book that cat must be a tabby.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]peoriabigred -1 points0 points ago

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World domination.

[–]simplystunned 5 points6 points ago

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I'll tell you what they do - they puke.

From someone with 3 cats.

[–]Alexfollett93 7 points8 points ago

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My cat leaves me treats, so considerate I always wanted a dead mouse.

[–]myfirstnameisdanger 6 points7 points ago

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My mom's cat once brought her a dead bird and she screamed. She spent the next month trying to make amends. "I'm sorry I was scared; you just surprised me. You're the best hunter ever. I'm so proud of you."

[–]Alexfollett93 0 points1 point ago

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Ha Ha, My cat just doesn't care. I tell him off he just does it again, I was kind of sad when he bought a robin in though seeing a they are slowly in the decline.

[–]myfirstnameisdanger 1 point2 points ago

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I guess my parents taught me that the cats' opinions of things trumps everything. My mom brags that when I was born and she brought me home from the hospital the cat was very angry but she kept me anyway.

[–]Affar 1 point2 points ago

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So do you eat your treat?

[–]Alexfollett93 2 points3 points ago

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Somebody has to.

[–]CharlieisonReddit 2 points3 points ago

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Sleeps on my head :)

[–]Tuskuul 5 points6 points ago

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mine sleeps like a log next to me and usually uses my arm as a pillow.

[–]i_say_andmyaxe 4 points5 points ago

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My male cat will run downstairs and start meowing loudly until I acknowledge him. He will then shortly run back upstairs and jump up on our bed and sleep. Even if I bring him up stairs with me, and place him on the bed, he still will run down and do his little routine. I have no idea

[–]Affar 1 point2 points ago

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You are his slave now

[–]obxfisher 3 points4 points ago

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You and me both. I always hear a bunch of noise in my living room when Im in bed, go out to investigate what the hell he's up to, and he's just sitting there on the couch, staring at me.

Or after watching a scary movie, Ill be laying in bed thinking about it and thats when he decides to jump up on my bed right in front of my eyes. Scares the shit out of me every damned time.

My cat is an asshole

[–]finalcloud33 4 points5 points ago*

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Mine does something really weird... He takes the a arm chair covers and leaves them in front of my bedroom door or in the bathroom. I call them his "kills".

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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One of my cats scampers around with one of my husband's smelly socks in her mouth. She has a special meow when this happens, too.

[–]nebbish 3 points4 points ago

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My sister's cat came home one morning wearing a different collar

[–]djstephaniebell 2 points3 points ago

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mine sleeps. she sleeps next to me so im pretty sure she rarely gets up. i know this because she tries to kill me when I wake up to pee

[–]twilightmoons 2 points3 points ago

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Lucky you.

Mine try to get into the closet, whine for attention and head scratching at the side of the bed, but generalized and very loud "I'm bored" or "I just dropped a massive dookie in the litter box - come see!" yowling at 2am...

Worse is when they don't bury their turds... and the smell hits you from across the house and wakes you from a rather nice sleep.

I hate that a lot.

[–]Affar 0 points1 point ago

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Hey slave, come and clean the litterbox

[–]StoryGopher 2 points3 points ago

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Brushes his fur allll night so its extra soft the next morning.

[–]glitterandgore 2 points3 points ago

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Mine sniffs my face and scares the crap out of me with her whiskers. They feel like spiders on my face. WHY DOES SHE SNIFF MY FACE EVERY NIGHT!?!

[–]dizzaray 2 points3 points ago

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I call the 'face sniffs' eskimo kisses.

[–]glitterandgore 0 points1 point ago

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She sniffs my eye primarily lol

[–]footinmymouth 2 points3 points ago

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My cat practices his sprints from one side of the apartment to the other. It drove me nuts when my wife had a bell on his collar, more bell ringing than the Salvation Army.

[–]jzzsxm 2 points3 points ago

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Mine knocks everything I own off of every surface in my apartment.

[–]Shamasu 1 point2 points ago

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[–]fawker 0 points1 point ago

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Ok, now I want to see the webcams of this.

Actually, I wonder how many times your gonna see it licking it's nuts.

[–]zamboniman46 1 point2 points ago

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The rule the house.

When i first met my girlfriend's new cat it was terrified of me. Fast forward 2 days and i was super sick after falling asleep on her couch for bed and its like it could sense i was sick. i hadnt seen the thing it 2 days. but suddenly i was sick and it just took back the house. we were buds by the time i had to go back home 2 days later

[–]hdbham 1 point2 points ago

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[–]trustedsource 1 point2 points ago

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farts.

[–]colinodell 1 point2 points ago

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They plan and scheme.

[–]jezmaster 1 point2 points ago

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attach a digital camera to its collar, set to take pictures at regular intervals.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Sits in dark corners then runs loudly to another dark corner were she sits. Rinse and repeat...all night.

[–]esotericlight 1 point2 points ago

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Fights crime of course..

[–]snap_wilson 1 point2 points ago

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I know what ours does, because she won't stop running around like a little hellion, knocking shit over at three in the morning.

[–]Extrix 1 point2 points ago

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I am interested in recording my room while I'm sleeping to see what my cat does, but I'm not interested in witnessing paranormal activity.

[–]THECapedCaper 1 point2 points ago

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Easy. It's being a little fucker!

[–]brash 1 point2 points ago

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Things my cats do when left to their own devices:

  • sleep
  • eat
  • chew on houseplants
  • stare out the window

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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My cats sleep peacefully all day until they see my eyes close and then they turn the entire house into their personal Thunderdome. They play and fight and scratch and jump off of things all night and settle back down to sleep when I drag my tired ass out of bed. I love those little assholes.

[–]xoxoyris 1 point2 points ago

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Mine find the NOISIEST things to play with.

[–]loaft 1 point2 points ago

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me and my friend had a discussion the other day, when his cat decided to follow us to the convenience store. So we were wondering, what if we strap some sort of gps on it and watch its route during it's vigilante night life.

[–]midas22 1 point2 points ago

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I know what my cat does at night, she uses my face as a stepping stone to get to the water or leftover food that I sometimes keep on the nightstand.

[–]asterix299 1 point2 points ago

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Mine goes outside to slaughter small animals. Her favorite are baby bunnies.

[–]rhino369 1 point2 points ago

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And then ritualitically dismember them and then assemble the corpse in a Dexter villianesque manner.

[–]cuddlyinfection 0 points1 point ago

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My old lady cat brought home a decapitated baby bunny. Left it in the bathroom. Don't know how she got it in the house from outside and we never found the head. Edit: updated for clarity

[–]RadioHitandRun 0 points1 point ago

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our cat used to chase a rubber bounce ball across the kitchen floor. you just hear it occasionally rolling and bouncing across the floor.

[–]PrimeTime123 0 points1 point ago

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I am 100% sure that my cat sleeps through the whole night right next to me. But then again, who knows?

[–]Salacha 0 points1 point ago

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Judging by the mouse carcasses on the porch I know exactly what they do. Which also scares me.

[–]madplayshd 0 points1 point ago

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Hmm, this weekend, again, I am sleeping on my best friends couch. He has to cats. They perceive you as a static object while hiding behind and running around you at night.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Gee what do you want to do tonight? The same thing we do every night, try to take over the world!

[–]grinsekatze 0 points1 point ago

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mine puurs and pukes. i know. i heard her.

[–]captmonkey 0 points1 point ago

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Mine desperately tries to get the closet door open, like the fate of the world depended on getting in there. It sounds like a pair of shoes in a dryer.

[–]eyecite 0 points1 point ago

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you think this is

not a motherfucking game?

[–]tinyirishgirl 0 points1 point ago

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Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

[–]Vocalities 0 points1 point ago

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I know what my cat does. She knocks over the water feeder I use for my dogs.

[–]Wusch 0 points1 point ago

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I bet that's what the government thinks... but it doesn't have one citizen...

[–]schmag 0 points1 point ago

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I know what my cat does at night.

bites my feet. causing a pasteurella infection. causing me to go to the doctor to have my foot cut on to remove dead flesh and then take antibiotics for another month!!!!

[–]dizzaray 0 points1 point ago

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Whoa...

[–]omnilynx 0 points1 point ago

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I do, because she does it on top of me.

[–]yoshortyb 0 points1 point ago

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Dude protectors...

[–]katey1801 0 points1 point ago

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That's why we have cameras.

[–]russiangn 0 points1 point ago

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Or, what my cat does all day while I'm at work.

[–]BCP6J9YqYF6xDbB3 0 points1 point ago

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Mine just sleeps on the bed. Doesn't move all night.

[–]2sourapples 0 points1 point ago

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[–]docacula 0 points1 point ago

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You may want to check out this music video. It's from a band called Superchunk and the song is Crossed Wires. I think it answers your question.

[–]joinpanda 0 points1 point ago

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Hey kids cats aren't house pets.

[–]foundtheseeker 0 points1 point ago

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I think you speak for all of us. Hear hear!

[–]kendranot 0 points1 point ago

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some nights, i don't sleep, and i STILL don't know what the cats are doing or where they go. they're indoor cats.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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[–]sulkee 0 points1 point ago

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Probably pretends its on the hunt like a stealthy panther.

[–]Conexion 0 points1 point ago

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Red's the perfect text color to use here.

[–]Spants23 0 points1 point ago

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Mine lays at the end of my bed like a cinder block and crushes my feet

[–]betterthanthee 0 points1 point ago

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your cat rapes you

[–]vapooriser 0 points1 point ago

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Sleeps...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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and this cat looks almost exactly like my cat...

[–]beakybal4 0 points1 point ago

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Isn't it obvious? They plan Rick Santorum's speeches.

[–]Justavian 0 points1 point ago

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Since they sleep 16 to 20 hours per day, most of what your cat does at night is probably sleep.

[–]Jaimizzle14 0 points1 point ago

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As an extremely playful kitten owner, I approve this message. I'm not even sure she sleeps.

[–]TellYouWhut 0 points1 point ago

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[–]REDDIT_HARD_MODE -1 points0 points ago

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Check your basement for summoning circles.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]WalrusKaput 0 points1 point ago

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fuck you