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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]surveyor77 1280 points1281 points ago

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Damn. My ice scraper's in the trunk, too.

[–]Ef3s 484 points485 points ago

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Sub zero wins !

[–]format538 310 points311 points ago

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[–]ilikepix 13 points14 points ago

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not getting enough love imo

[–]NinjaSkillz810 7 points8 points ago

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Excellent!

[–]toccoto 2 points3 points ago

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Hah, awesome.

[–]Nope_Unintended 457 points458 points ago

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PARKALITY

[–]SteveBoss 202 points203 points ago

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Icy, what you did there.

[–]Sottish 110 points111 points ago

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Can we cool it with the puns

[–]pegasus_x 80 points81 points ago

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Chill out, guys

[–]recoveringsophist 19 points20 points ago

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Is this crystallizing into a pun thread?

[–]CraineTwo 33 points34 points ago

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Snow way!

[–][deleted] 37 points38 points ago

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I predict a flurry of puns, Followed by downvotes, if we're all alive by friday you can expect warm sunny skies.

[–]JuggernautF0x 30 points31 points ago

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That sounds like an ice day.

[–]Methadose 491 points492 points ago*

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Oh well, looks like it's going to be one of those days.

Ice-skates to work.

[–]FreeDirt 297 points298 points ago

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This would improve my day dramatically.

[–]what_american_dream 441 points442 points ago

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Being a man that can't ice skate, this would break my bones dramatically.

[–]Enterice 114 points115 points ago

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My favorite part about ice skating is pretending I can't, flailing around like a madman and latching onto family members with desperation as I scream "WHO TOOK MY BUCKET".

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]SirHashAloT 49 points50 points ago

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I am the walrus.

[–]supashurume 47 points48 points ago

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VLADIMIR ILYICH ULYANOV.

[–]Devilheart 29 points30 points ago

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Shut the fuck up, Donny.

[–]theomossop 10 points11 points ago

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I am the Eggman!

[–]Fungor 2 points3 points ago

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coo coo kachoo

[–]groovybrent 2 points3 points ago

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Koo koo kachoo

[–]Dances_with_Sheep 42 points43 points ago

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I tried that once to impress a girl, but lost my balance and landed on my head. As I lay there staring up at the clouds, nursing what was probably a mild concussion, all I could think was "I deserved that"

[–]hothrous 49 points50 points ago

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Am I understanding you correctly that you once tried to impress a girl by pretending you couldn't do something?

[–]Dances_with_Sheep 49 points50 points ago

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In my defence, I'm hopelessly inept at the art of attraction.

[–]LaunchGap 24 points25 points ago

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Is that why... sheep?

[–]Dances_with_Sheep 7 points8 points ago

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I was an idealistic country kid out of place in the city and my classmates used to look at me a bit like the natives looked at Keven Costner's character in Dances with Wolves.

[–]DepressedRacoon 9 points10 points ago

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Unless this ineptitude... iS ALSO TO IMPRESS A GIRL.
I am onto your tricks, Dances_with_Sheep.

[–]bubbameister33 7 points8 points ago

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Was she impressed though?

[–]hapiru 2 points3 points ago

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Sounds good to me. You just keep on doin' what you're doin'.

[–]f03nix 9 points10 points ago

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latching onto family members with desperation

and here I was hoping you'd be latching onto random boobs.

[–]KarmaPointsPlease 17 points18 points ago

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He was. ಠ_ಠ

[–]sapo916 2 points3 points ago

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Some relatives don't mind

[–]BadKitty420 13 points14 points ago

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Ice skating either makes you or breaks you.

[–]CornflakeJustice 132 points133 points ago

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Being a man that can't ice skate, this would break my bones dramatically hilariously.

FTFY

[–]IxKilledxKenny 162 points163 points ago

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Being a man that can't ice skate, this would break my bones humerusly

[–]dorri732 65 points66 points ago

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Icy what you did there.

[–]Edvinivich 19 points20 points ago

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I've gone cold on these pun threads.

[–]PureClass 6 points7 points ago

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Freeze! Stop these puns!

[–]Randolpho 13 points14 points ago

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Don't be so intemperate.

[–]SockCreature 25 points26 points ago

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Move to Ottawa, and you can skate to work on the canal

[–]rutefoot 11 points12 points ago

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You could if it wasn't the warmest fucking winter on record

You'll have to excuse the attitude, I'm going this weekend and just found out the canal is closed. Unrefundable bus tickets. Balls.

[–]devoting_my_time 120 points121 points ago

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There was a teacher at my school that lived 40km away from work, one morning his car was snowed in and he skied the 40km to work.

[–]G1az3d 64 points65 points ago

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Dedication.

[–]Otistetrax 157 points158 points ago

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Especially as he lives in Miami.

[–]StuBenedict 94 points95 points ago

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[–]psywiped 20 points21 points ago

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Well it was all downhill.

[–]G1az3d 19 points20 points ago

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Both ways?

[–]DrDodgy 56 points57 points ago

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No, this was after the depression.

[–]lordofthederps 6 points7 points ago

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I guess the Prozac helped after all.

[–]Booxcar 7 points8 points ago

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How'd he get back?

[–]SensibleMadness 65 points66 points ago

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The chairlift, obviously.

[–]RuiningItForEveryone 16 points17 points ago

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On skis.

[–]darkesth0ur 20 points21 points ago

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Yeh bullshit. What did that take him, seven hours to get to work?

[–]fusmc 65 points66 points ago

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To be fair, 40km is like 2 miles in america.

[–]Zalitara 14 points15 points ago

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The yearly 50km for proffesionals takes hours to finish. A teacher doing it in less than 3-4 hours and still not be too tired to teach is unlikely.

[–]hothrous 7 points8 points ago

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The fact that the teacher was aware of how to cross country ski, and had skis for it, to me, means that he probably does it as a hobby. He probably prepped it ahead of time because he knew what was going to happen and left with enough of a buffer to get there in time.

[–]Bad_Sex_Advice 27 points28 points ago

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No one is going to address the fact that it would take far less time to shovel the snow around your car than to ski 40 km? No? Ok..

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points ago

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To be fair, 40km is like 25 miles in america.

FTFY

[–]RoboNinjaPirate 16 points17 points ago

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I think that's about 1 1/2 gallons, or 3 hectares.

[–]superanth 14 points15 points ago

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YES! It looks like it's going to be one of those days!

Ignites blowtorch

[–]1877KARS4KIDS 5 points6 points ago

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Bad day, bad day, bad day!

[–]I_Am_Vladimir_Putin 4 points5 points ago

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If you lived in Ottawa,you could actually do that.

[–]Methadose 2 points3 points ago

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Reddit showed me that recently you could have done it in Amsterdam as well.

[–]joeyxl 3 points4 points ago

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Thanks for making me shoot A&W root beer out my nose

[–]zmansman17 13 points14 points ago

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There may yet be work for The Human Torch.

[–]FurryEels 26 points27 points ago

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or just a regular guy with a torch...

[–]Cwaynejames 5 points6 points ago

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Right. Thats what he said.

[–]alrightwtf 7 points8 points ago

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Still no bank loans though

[–]GeneralWarts 34 points35 points ago

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As long as you can see out the front window it's drive-able, right?

[–]TheFrenchKid 215 points216 points ago

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Yes, but it appears that the vehicle is FROZEN TO THE GROUND.

[–]SonicFlash01 195 points196 points ago

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Frozen to the ceiling actually.

[–]AWDMANOUT 146 points147 points ago

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I think it's a bit of both.

[–]kickmekate 15 points16 points ago

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I wonder how long it took to actually solidify and freeze like that. As thick as that is, I'd bet at least overnight. MORNIN' EVERYBAHDEE!!!

[–]GhostedAccount 23 points24 points ago

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Make sure the exhaust pipe is clear, start that bitch up and reverse. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

[–]edgeman4 21 points22 points ago

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I would love to see the outcome of this.

[–]thebigslide 17 points18 points ago

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I think as soon as you started backing out, that tower of ice might smash the back window and put a nice dent in the roof. Also, the brakes might be frozen as well.

[–]John_Philips_Sousa 45 points46 points ago

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Brakes are for pussies.

[–]AndyRooney 34 points35 points ago

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So are marching bands.

[–]raiseursails 18 points19 points ago

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I knew that Andy Rooney was still alive and still hating things!

[–]John_Philips_Sousa 11 points12 points ago

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Too far, Mr. Rooney, you took it too far.

[–]Jwoey 23 points24 points ago

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Can't read the license plate! What if he gets pulled over?

(PS the license plate says B1AZE)

[–]erichermit 26 points27 points ago

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Guess that blaze wasn't hot enough

[–]thekokirikid 5 points6 points ago

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B1AZE!

...sorry, I tagged you the other day, so this is exciting

[–]GeneralWarts 5 points6 points ago

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For some reason tagging me is becoming quite common. You'll be warmly received.

[–]Volpethrope 6 points7 points ago

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Hey, if it fits, it ships.

[–]SlugsOnToast 4 points5 points ago

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But there's an injection that can clear that up now.

[–]dan2737 2 points3 points ago

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Yes it is, B-one-AZE

[–]Voctr 130 points131 points ago

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Am I the only person wondering if you could still back out of there?

[–]aardvark234 145 points146 points ago

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I feel as though that icicle would weigh a fair bit, and damage the car if you were to back out

[–]dubbya 57 points58 points ago

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Hammer+Crowbar+Frustrations to work out=Problem solved

[–]archersparadox 188 points189 points ago

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Hammer+Crowbar+Frustrations to work out=Ice Swan

FTFY

[–]bcarlzson 60 points61 points ago

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STOP LOOKING AT ME SWAN!

[–]bultaco370pursang 12 points13 points ago

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SHAMPOO IS BETTAH

[–]theorem604 8 points9 points ago

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COWNDISSIONAH IS BETTAH

[–]sjmoore 3 points4 points ago

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NO, CONDITIONER IS BETTAH

[–]catjuggler 32 points33 points ago

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I think it might break the rear window

[–]lord_nougat 28 points29 points ago

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It could fall at an unpredictable angle as well, caving in the roof or even falling on the guy trying to break it off.

A sure win on America's funniest home videos.

[–]Patrick5555 4 points5 points ago

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[–]Smy90 8 points9 points ago

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I thought that too but I wouldn't start it if the exhaust had no way to escape.

[–]zeppelinfromled 2 points3 points ago

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In addition to the weight on top of it, the wheels are probably lodged pretty well in the ice. I don't think it would go anywhere.

[–]dohaeris 585 points586 points ago

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I tried to go to a strip club with some friends for a birthday in a blizzard once. The car didn't have heat so we used a cigarette lighter to get the windshield defrosted enough to see. Yes this took forever. No it wasn't worth it. The strip club was closing due to the blizzard.

What I'm saying is, don't go to a strip club with that car.

[–]SlugsOnToast 49 points50 points ago

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This is sage advice, friends. Also, I think I'm going to steal this story just for the last line.

[–]jeckles 15 points16 points ago

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next time, credit cards work well for scraping windshields. OP's ice, maybe not.

[–]RoboNinjaPirate 49 points50 points ago

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For that situation, you may have to scrape it with the whole ATM.

[–]MizDocta 57 points58 points ago*

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Sir, I believe you are on the front page every single effing day. HOW?!

[–]Sastrugi 152 points153 points ago

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He's a repost monster who cherry picks stuff off smaller subreddits.

[–]MKV21 19 points20 points ago

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Thanks, that's how he is tagged now.

[–]MizDocta 25 points26 points ago

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Ah, I see. Thank You, wise Reddit sensei. I shall remember this lesson fondly.

[–]LukeChemistry 15 points16 points ago

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The simple yet descriptive titles for his posts seem to be working. I'm starting to feel like we're all just a bunch of brainwashed redditors upvoting whatever follows a certain posting method.

[–]cuddlyogre 3 points4 points ago

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The last thing we need are power users. They were the cancer of Digg.

[–]sittty 71 points72 points ago

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I would not know how to begin fixing this problem.

[–]watchthenlearn 185 points186 points ago*

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I approximated the icicle to weigh about 270kg/600lbs. Now that's a lot of weight and you need to remove it safely.

If you needed the car within the day:

  1. Find the owner of the adjacent car and tell them to move it. Get salt and cover the ground with it, especially around the tires (this will save us time later).
  2. Get a chainsaw, rent one, buy one, borrow one. You need a chainsaw for this job.
  3. The icicle is currently holding most of itself up and you need to keep it that way, so you're gonna need to cut it diagonally so you split it up in two halves of 300lbs each.
  4. Your car will be able to hold that much weight (300 lbs) since the surface area of that weight is larger because of the ice that has formed around the windshield and trunk.
  5. Now start cutting like this.
  6. Once you get most of the icicle off your car you can worry about the bottom portion.
  7. Cut all the icicles that hang from the bottom of the car off.
  8. The last thing you have to worry about is separating the wheels from that lake of ice. 90% sure this is a FWD car, which is good in this case. If the salt did anything, you can try backing up and see if that does anything at all.
  9. If it doesn't budge, you are going to need a blow torch and more salt and just melt the tires out of the ice. There is no safer or quicker way of doing this.

That's enough for me... spent way too much time with those damn pictures. Time for a nap, I'll edit for grammar and spelling later.

Edit: Ignore spelling of ceiling in the picture... I don't know why I spelled it that way. Edit2: While trying to take my nap I realized that this method still has many flaws... Like cutting the thing so it doesn't crack up at the top, but you can overcome this by cutting the sections I drew in the diagram in a specific order.

[–]AcidUK 76 points77 points ago

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Standing on a sheet of ice with a chainsaw does not seems like a sound plan.

[–]watchthenlearn 29 points30 points ago

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I was hoping no one would notice... I could think of ways getting around this. Salt and a rubber mat, an A frame ladder, a cherry picker (only if you call in the fire department to get the thing out). It's still risky either way though.

[–]poo-poo 14 points15 points ago*

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Great math, but I disagree on the cylinder. The reason the ice came down in that way is probably some sort of outcropping, which means the water would be coming down flat against the side of the building. From this angle it looks like a cylinder, but I'm going to hazard a guess that its more of a flat shape.

[–]watchthenlearn 4 points5 points ago

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I know exactly what you're talking about and I thought this too. But if you think about icicles in general, they tend to be more cylindrical than flat. Also I was thinking the only way that much water could be coming out of a specific area would kinda be like a gutter that is missing its downspout, which would create a more of a cylindrical shape. But I agree that it could easily be either case.

[–]poo-poo 3 points4 points ago*

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I think a more conservative estimate would be 90kg / 200 lbs of ice. This is just going from your figures and saying it's probably less than a third of that. (AKA Pulling it out of my ass)

[–]bleachedred 25 points26 points ago

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What unemployed engineers do in their spare time...

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Farsyte 3 points4 points ago

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Sadly, no.

[–]Teknofobe 13 points14 points ago

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Or - Send the picture to your insurance agent and ask them how to proceed. I'd want to avoid the insurance company claiming they won't cover any damage in case something went wrong in freeing the car. In order to avoid greater damages costing them more money, they may or may not pay for a professional to come take care of it.

I wonder if AAA covers this? Technically you are stuck and "need a tow".

[–]unclerummy 9 points10 points ago

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Hmmm. That's a conundrum, all right. Ok, let me talk to some of our experts here and we'll work out a plan to get you on the road again. Why don't we touch base... oh, let's say around mid-June.

[–]deletecode 4 points5 points ago

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A sledgehammer comes to mind.

[–]diatonic 2 points3 points ago

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You could just point one of these at it.

[–]Mountainfog 559 points560 points ago

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"Park in the waterfall, they said. It's not cold enough for it to freeze, they said."

[–]Ginnigan 109 points110 points ago

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"I'd rather be sailing."

[–]Eclias 70 points71 points ago

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"Your sound card works perfectly."

[–]toinfinitiandbeyond 17 points18 points ago

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"You've got mail"

[–]Xenc 38 points39 points ago

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"It really whips the llama's ass."

[–]cb43569 12 points13 points ago

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Suddenly, so many WinAMP flashbacks. You just triggered a part of my memory from at least a decade ago that I didn't even realise was still there.

[–]Easilycrazyhat 15 points16 points ago

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Here you go

[–]femaledog 129 points130 points ago

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[–]CrunkLimonada 10 points11 points ago

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[–]fick_Dich 31 points32 points ago

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you bitch.

[–]oerich 6 points7 points ago

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Du Huendin!

[–]thatguy1717 57 points58 points ago

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Obviously Thor didn't kill all the ice giants

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Rinum 7 points8 points ago*

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Now what we need is tldr_forthe_lazy to summarize what really happened b/w Thor and the ice giants.

[–]alrightwtf 8 points9 points ago

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but/with? butt width?

[–]Rinum 8 points9 points ago

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b/w is shorthand for between

[–]blondeflo 297 points298 points ago

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Is that an ice-calade?

[–]Mister_Kitty 317 points318 points ago

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No, I think it's a coldsmobile.

[–]avenger723 182 points183 points ago

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Toyota Tundra. Too lazy to thing of a cute little phrase to go with it. Deal with it.

[–]ducttapedude 117 points118 points ago

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A Honda Fridgeline maybe?

[–]Shadax 62 points63 points ago

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I think it's a Hyundai Tiburrhrrhrron.

[–]holyerthanthou 38 points39 points ago

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looks like s shiverado to me.

[–]koviko 5 points6 points ago

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[–]FurryEels 66 points67 points ago

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Chevy Caprice eh?

[–]scoops22 51 points52 points ago

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I think it's a Shiverolet

[–]phantomjm 6 points7 points ago

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Nope. It's a Subaru Legicey

[–]WhyAmINotStudying 28 points29 points ago

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It's definitely not a Pontiac Firebird.

[–]Zackeriess 7 points8 points ago

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Looks like a Saturn Iceon

[–]Devilheart 3 points4 points ago

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Why not a Lambrrrrrghini?

[–]Bradart 3 points4 points ago

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Or a Toyota Coldrolla.

[–]xX_Nois 42 points43 points ago

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Well since it is not working any longer. We might as well deem it a Ford.

[–]cincidiot 29 points30 points ago

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haha, nice pun! i like the part about ice!

[–]Misinformed_user 112 points113 points ago

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Mr. Freeze gets pissed when you double park

[–]ani625 64 points65 points ago

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So, he pissed on it.

[–]sataract 18 points19 points ago

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dunno man, that stuff looks a little too white to me

[–]Solcry 18 points19 points ago

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Maybe he drinks a lot of water?

[–]ani625 6 points7 points ago

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More the piss, less the yellow.

[–]Kornstalx 10 points11 points ago

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Ice to see you!

[–]bolsch 32 points33 points ago

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Mr. Freeze gives no fucks about private property!

[–]missmars12 13 points14 points ago

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[–]xampl9 11 points12 points ago

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Sometime in June:

Thank you for parking with Antarctic Parking Systems. Your parking fee is $1348.50

[–]justkilc 10 points11 points ago

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[–]Nautilis 2 points3 points ago

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why are you in the boot?

[–]ThatsSuperwang 19 points20 points ago

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Reminds me of this in NYC due to a water main break.

[–]warpfield 6 points7 points ago

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that'll keep the hubcaps from being stolen :)

[–]string97bean 32 points33 points ago

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[–]Jenkins37 15 points16 points ago

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Taken in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. My friend took this picture, I'm pretty upset I didn't think to steal it and post it on here.

[–]slapbastard 4 points5 points ago

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Tell us what happened.

[–]smelgibson 80 points81 points ago

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Now that is a cool car

[–]InsideVoices 37 points38 points ago

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No

[–]Fearlessjay 15 points16 points ago

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Just an anti-theft method, nothing to see here..

[–]fick_Dich 12 points13 points ago

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your car has the weirdest boner right now.

[–]gorkhali 4 points5 points ago

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Now carve it to make an ice sculpture of jesus and drive it around.

[–]iregretjumping 21 points22 points ago

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You flooded it.

[–]phoenix25 3 points4 points ago

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time to break out the flamethrower

[–]Born4theslaughter 3 points4 points ago

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So you sent that picture to your boss to help explain why you aren't coming to work today right?

[–]oskarw85 10 points11 points ago

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"No more washing, no more hassle... Park your car in your own PRIVATE WATERFALL*."

*Could be temporarily closed during winter

[–]tunnelsnakesrule 5 points6 points ago

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Are you and Mind_Virus the same person?

[–]nightpete 2 points3 points ago

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Are we sure this isn't a picture of some sort of ice-based alien life form who had been held captive in the backseat of a hyundai getting beamed back up to his frosty cold mothership?

[–]TrustworthyAndroid 2 points3 points ago

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Back window might break as the ice melts

[–]ScoutsHonor 2 points3 points ago

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Nothing a blow torch couldn't fix.

[–]Kes1980 2 points3 points ago

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I don't understand what I'm looking at here. Where is this? How did it happen?

[–]cronoizm 2 points3 points ago

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wowzers that would ruin a day

[–]Maaaagill 2 points3 points ago

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Thumbs up for Hyundai! It's a Tiburon, right?

[–]bigotkillerx 2 points3 points ago

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God damn it Sub-Zero!

[–]dimezyR 16 points17 points ago

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[–]ZoopZeZoop 4 points5 points ago

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Ice park job, buddy!

[–]xwexcollidex 5 points6 points ago

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Kill it with fire.

[–]skippy619 1 point2 points ago

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This is actually an outtake from Batman & Robin.

[–]I_Prefer_Dogs 1 point2 points ago

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Welcome to New England! No seriously though, were the hell is this. The water froze mid flow after splashing over the car a little. If it was that cold, why wasn't it already frozen or at least not flowing fully. My mind is blown.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Step one break ice at top.

Step two cover in tarp.

Step three portable space heater under tarp with small opening to prevent fire hazard.

Step four wait.

[–]SIGNW 1 point2 points ago

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Tap "B" quickly to break free from Freeze!