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all 130 comments

[–]hellsnake08 45 points46 points ago

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Jesus take the floor.

[–]panda_box 6 points7 points ago

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[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Let my people go......out to the club this Friday.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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He waited, quietly, behind the curtain. He felt the sweat beading on his hands, but felt too nauseous to wipe them on his loincloth. This was his big audition. One chance to make it. He remembered what his father told him the day before: "If you lose, you're out of the family."

His tight, rippling muscles began to shine in the dim backstage light with the accumulated perspiration. His Roman-style dance instructors had whipped his overly flabby body into shape. He was a coiled viper, a python waiting to strike. Danger was his middle name. He ate falcons for breakfast and shitted out bricks of platinum. He was cooler than cool, he was tougher than nails. Although deep within he longed to stroke the soft, red velvet curtain in front of him. Velvet is awesome. He wanted a suit made out of velvet. Style, bitches.

The curtain went up. Who were all those old men? No time for questions! The show must go on! Balance? Gravity? Fuck that shit, where he was going he didn't need balance or gravity. He would take his moves to the next level. Beyond physical laws. Beyond the confines of this world. He would dance in the aether. He would dance sublimely, divinely, miraculously. He would show his father just who had the moves! He was no coal miner, he was a star!

[–]ketchy_shuby 8 points9 points ago

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Yeah, OK, but can he crunk?

[–]stash0606 1 point2 points ago

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damn, for a second, I thought these were the lyrics to Eminem's "Lose Yourself" transliterated to Bible English.

[–]allodude 0 points1 point ago

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HIS PALMS ARE SWEATY, KNEES WEAK, ARMS ARE CRUCIFIED

[–]stash0606 0 points1 point ago

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there's blood on his sweater, no wait that's mom's spaghetti...

[–]tomasziam 43 points44 points ago

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Jesus' lesser known trick is to turn water into fresh beatz.

[–]2oosra 62 points63 points ago

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He is white, even when he does black things

[–]thunderbird11 0 points1 point ago

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Up you go

[–]Roninspoon 19 points20 points ago

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[–]mcmurphy1 2 points3 points ago

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I clicked the link and it told me that bandwidth had been exceeded.

[–]Hyperian 2 points3 points ago

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good job reddit

[–]remember_cassettes 17 points18 points ago

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It would be even better if the floor was water

[–]ThePieWhisperer 2 points3 points ago

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oh it was water before Jesus got down.

[–]blackjeezus 24 points25 points ago

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A little disappointed that this isn't a GIF.

[–]TACOfarmerXD 5 points6 points ago

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A little disappointed that this wasn't a GIF

[–]RedWave 4 points5 points ago

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A little disappointed that this won't be a GIF

[–]yuki_b1t 4 points5 points ago

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A little disappointed this still isn't a GIF.

[–]myfajahas400children 1 point2 points ago

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A little disappointed this isn't a FIG... I'm hungry.

[–]IllINN 4 points5 points ago

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Jesus hates figs.

[–]mcmurphy1 0 points1 point ago

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I just looked. Has the brilliant JesusHatesFigs site been taken down? That would make me sad.

[–]darkfalzx 4 points5 points ago

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Damnit - I'm at work, and the only thing I want to do now is to animate this bastard!

[–]tronn4 0 points1 point ago

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This will be wine though

[–]Sandsa 10 points11 points ago

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No stigmata, didn't happen.

[–]Shiv_[S] 7 points8 points ago

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NS;DH?

[–]poorly_timed_freddie 6 points7 points ago

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Is this real life?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Is this just fantasy?

[–]MagicFeet 6 points7 points ago

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I am a Carrot

[–]dwblind22 2 points3 points ago

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I'm a potato!

[–]Gabeee 4 points5 points ago

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Fucked it up.

[–]TACOfarmerXD 2 points3 points ago

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I was looking forward to it

[–]ContractionsAreEvil 0 points1 point ago

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That is more like poorly timed David.

[–]SonVolt 12 points13 points ago

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Dude, you linked this from facebook?

[–]csi_novelty_account 9 points10 points ago*

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(ಠ_ಠ) "Christ took a risk with those break-dance lessons."

( ಠ_ಠ)~--■-■

(-■_■) "Looks like he nailed it."

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAH

[–]thewongtrain 5 points6 points ago

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I feel like this should be a page in the Picture Bible.

[–]seeandwait 1 point2 points ago

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"and Jesus said unto the Pharisees, 'see me get down y'all hoes dont know nuthin bout this, east side Nazareth wassup'. And he proceeded to educate them in the dances of his people. All were amazed and asked to follow him. painting by michaelangelo on adjacent page "

[–]Well_With_My_Soul 5 points6 points ago

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As a Christian, this is one of my top 5 awesome humorous posts about Jesus. Congrats.

[–]muggafugga 4 points5 points ago

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"Go Jesus, Go Jesus, its christmas, its christmas"

[–]Colt1945 3 points4 points ago

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Why is Jesus always ripped? Did he work out?

[–]dumbledorkus 5 points6 points ago

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Because no one wants to worship fat Jesus.

[–]bpm2000 3 points4 points ago

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He worked construction.

[–]xhoi 9 points10 points ago

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I feel like this could be from a deleted scene in Dogma.

[–]in_fearandfaith 7 points8 points ago

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Keanu Reeves?

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Kid_Galahad -1 points0 points ago

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I met this little girly

her hair was kinda curly!

[–]Termich 2 points3 points ago

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Currently 667 votes. If I downvote, I worship satan, if I upvote I'm laughing at Jesus. Choose visely...

[–]Novelt_Acct 2 points3 points ago

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Jesus was a B-boy

[–]EverythingInTransit 2 points3 points ago

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wallpaper sized anyone?

[–]deeeeeeznuts 1 point2 points ago

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It works at this size. At least on mine.

[–]neurohero 2 points3 points ago

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"I told them that they use too much wax on this bloody floor."

[–]Nemmy06 2 points3 points ago

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For a dude that spent a lot of time outside, sure is pale.

[–]StevoTheMonkey 2 points3 points ago

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I'm not a Christian or an Atheist, however the following seems relevant:

John 1:46

"Nazareth!" exclaimed Nathanael. "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" "Come and see for yourself," Philip replied.

[–]seeandwait 2 points3 points ago

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John 1:47

"And so they went to see Jesus, but he stopped them in their tracks and spoke, "you are about to witness the strength of street knowledge"

[–]ClaimTLD 2 points3 points ago

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I would post the "Dead Dove. Do not eat - IDK what I was expecting" meme but I don't find this shit. WELL PLAYED REDDIT !

[–]puravida1024 1 point2 points ago

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That Jesus looks like Spartacus. The one from the first season.

[–]holidayrap 1 point2 points ago

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That was the first thought that came to my head aswell!

[–]BBoyFreakz 1 point2 points ago

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Dope flare, Jesus!

[–]stlcardinal9 1 point2 points ago

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Like a jester entertaining the crowd!

[–]mountainwalker 1 point2 points ago

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Looks more like they intentionally moved a "Caution, Wet Surface" sign and then waited for Jesus to walk by.

[–]arber0214 1 point2 points ago

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The priests would have had his back if he was a bit younger.

[–]ohmygulay 1 point2 points ago

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The power of Christ compels you ... to dance!

[–]DeathCampForCuties 1 point2 points ago

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so that's how they choose a new pope..

[–]Ruddiver 1 point2 points ago

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He actually slipped and all those cardinals are laughing at him

[–]Eyshld21sn 1 point2 points ago

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Why is jesus white?

[–]viejodava 4 points5 points ago

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when he's not hunged on a cross jesus can do pretty cool things!!

[–]Gabeee 1 point2 points ago

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Upvote for poor grammar.

[–]Harold_Grundelson 0 points1 point ago

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This reminded me of that kid that gets punt by the break dancer. Then I realized the distinct possibly of that happening in this scene as well.

[–]doraman 0 points1 point ago

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i just like the smiling priest (middle-right)

[–]n9ne-technitian 0 points1 point ago

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you suckas got surved!!!!!!!!!!!

[–]darkbrethren 0 points1 point ago

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The number of upvotes at the time I viewed this submission was 666. I couldn't bring myself to upvote it at that point.

[–]incurableinsomnia 0 points1 point ago

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I wish i had abs like that.

[–]keg98 0 points1 point ago

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If it was Christmas, the Cardinals would be all, "Go Jesus! Go Jesus! It's your birthday!"

[–]bennyb420 0 points1 point ago

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new desktop

[–]spatiality 0 points1 point ago

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And in watercolors, no less.

[–]Thealmightydoode 0 points1 point ago

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jesus has some sweet abs

[–]dwblind22 0 points1 point ago

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[–]KaiusSauersIuvenis 0 points1 point ago

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E-erybody knows jesus was white. If she jesus was black, he wouldn't have been caught and he would have conquered the whole roman empire.

[–]Athene_Wins 0 points1 point ago

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Boromir is so cool especially when he saved bilbo from the wolf king

[–]steady_riot 0 points1 point ago

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I like to imagine the Cardinals are singing Hava Nagila.

[–]JesusHere 0 points1 point ago

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You guys jelly?

Ladies, HMU. /winkyface

[–]ajw827 0 points1 point ago

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I fear his junk is gonna fall out of his loose briefs/diapers.

[–]iwillupvoteyourface 0 points1 point ago

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The bible dosent mention Jesus' breakdancing nearly enough there was only one mention of his water walking.

[–]kael13 0 points1 point ago

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I may print this and stick it up at work.

I do admin for Catholic schools.

[–]BarryMcOckinner 0 points1 point ago

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Is no one else concerned that Jesus is in a diaper?

[–]JesusChristSuperDick 0 points1 point ago

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oh fuck yeah

[–]pipechang 0 points1 point ago

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What if God was one of us???....

[–]jimsnaps 0 points1 point ago

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He even took time to bulk up before bikini season.

[–]jesusapproves 0 points1 point ago

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Now for my next trick I'm going to turn water into... FUNK.

[–]tehalchemist 0 points1 point ago

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Thas right... Nobody fucks with da jesus!

[–]sameBoatz 0 points1 point ago

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NSFB

Not Safe For Baptists

[–]Racepace[!] 0 points1 point ago

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Wonder what workout program Jesus is on, he's ripped

[–]foolishsoccer 0 points1 point ago

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Artist or source? This is awesome

[–]Hip-HopHead 0 points1 point ago

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BBOY JESUS! TAKE THE STAGE! SCRATCHING RECORDS 1, 2, 3 BREAK!

[–]heathw91 0 points1 point ago

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No need for cardboard. I got this.

[–]roll-tyde 0 points1 point ago

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Lord of the Dance.

[–]kingpumpkin 0 points1 point ago

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Who says Jesus didn't invent break dance?

[–]tehgoodSAMaritan 0 points1 point ago

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thank God he showed up, he just saved this party.

[–]jwhite927 0 points1 point ago

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Notice that Jesus is Keanu Reeves...

[–]Acid_Jesus 0 points1 point ago

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I remember that well, good times.

[–]JayTeezle 0 points1 point ago

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You say Jesus, but I see Spartacus.

[–]Thisisaprofile 0 points1 point ago

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In my day, we used a boombox and piece of cardboard for this shit, none of this cathedral and chanting choir stuff. These New Testement folk.

[–]kolm 0 points1 point ago

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I have no idea why I laughed, but I did.

[–]mcmurphy1 0 points1 point ago

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[–]madheadache 0 points1 point ago

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He's actually stretching in preparation for what the priests are going to do to him. He's a little older than their accustomed to.

[–]CobaltFang 0 points1 point ago

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"What's with all this bread shit? I'll show you the body of Christ!!!"

[–]zavage300 0 points1 point ago

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thats actually really bad ass. I have always enjoyed pictures where jesus is portrayed as this crazy fun awesome dude. Jesus is my Homie

[–]Hurm 0 points1 point ago

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This is Brandon Bird's doing, yes? The same guy that did Michael Landon holding a squid in a river... and "No One Wants To Play Sega With Harrison Ford."

[–]bettyknight 0 points1 point ago

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Jesus or Spartacus?

[–]Lurkin_Like_A_Pro 0 points1 point ago

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Yup, found the new background. Thank you, Shiv_.

[–]tronn4 0 points1 point ago

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How can he do this without cardboard on the floor?!?

[–]crooks44 0 points1 point ago

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jesus has sweet abs

[–]imgur-mirror-bot 0 points1 point ago

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[–]VestigialHumanBeing 0 points1 point ago

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Are they in the Sistine Chapel?

[–]misanthrope79 0 points1 point ago

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Vatican 2: Electric Boogaloo

[–]TrentRizzo 0 points1 point ago

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This picture might feel more at home in the WTF subreddit

[–]seeandwait 0 points1 point ago

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Right on, Jesus.

[–]MrTacoMan 0 points1 point ago

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Can I purchase this for my home? If so, where?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I can't be the only one who was expecting this.

[–]Billy_Reuben 0 points1 point ago

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I'm a Christian and I wish to purchase this print. It says important shit to me about organized religion.

[–]FlyingHotPocket 0 points1 point ago

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I think he's farting

[–]organicfunk 0 points1 point ago

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Keanu Reeves?

[–]onederful 0 points1 point ago

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i chuckled when i click "Save" hehe

[–]bahles 0 points1 point ago

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And many boners were hidden by their robes...

[–]WallOfSoup 0 points1 point ago

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No reflection. He is either a vampire or I am wagering that it's not real.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]CobaltFang 0 points1 point ago

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Bitch can't even walk on floors

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

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Can't tell if I'm offended by this or not...

[–]TheOneRavenous -2 points-1 points ago

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Who ever painted that is going to Hell.

[–]FrostyVulpus -1 points0 points ago

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My new wallpaper.

[–]imthewiz -1 points0 points ago

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jesus can you dance? Buddy im the "King" of Break Dancing