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1343
1344

Fuck Yo' Couch! (imgur.com)

submitted ago by WalrusInATree

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all 135 comments
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[–]sloppoclop 85 points86 points ago

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When I was 8, I caught one. Brought him home, gave him some milk in a little bowl, the hedgehog wouldn't drink it. Just curled up in a ball, so I put it in my bed and went to sleep. Wake up in agonizing pain, my toe is bleeding but there is LOTS AND LOTS OF BLOOD everywhere! I'm freaking out at 2 am, not understanding whats going on, turn on the lights.... The he was a she and gave birth to a few little "pups" I guess, and was being very territorial about the bed I was sleeping in... those things are cute but freaking violent.

[–]NomadofExile 42 points43 points ago

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Why do I have you RES tagged as "hamster shit mouth"?

[–]chrisbkreme 22 points23 points ago

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What happens on reddit will be periodically brought back into light time after time to haunt you.

[–]sloppoclop 7 points8 points ago

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Haha, that one was a joke that came out of seeing too many OH LOOKIDY AT MY PET posts, this is story is totally true

[–]aco620 4 points5 points ago

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Hey, I'm the one who came up with that name for you! Glad to see it caught on. I will forever be reminded of that valuable life lesson every time I come across your username!

[–]sloppoclop 0 points1 point ago

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I wear it like a badge of honor, no... MEDAL OF HONOR

[–]MoMonkey_MoProblems 0 points1 point ago

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Sir you seem to have accidentally an is

[–]KillaPeas 6 points7 points ago

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Now, now I do to.

[–]603bruins 3 points4 points ago

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Did you say Reddit Enhancement Suite?

[–]NomadofExile 0 points1 point ago

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I said Reddit Enhancement Suite!

[–]cold_fire149 -1 points0 points ago

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This made me LAWL harder than anything else tonight. Thank you kind sir.

[–]Grinch420 -5 points-4 points ago

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haha does any1 have me tagged

[–]bentraveling 9 points10 points ago

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Now tagged as "person who wants to be tagged."

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

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Milk causes hedgehogs to have diarrhea, just FYI

[–]jaap424 0 points1 point ago

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Is there really any animal out there that can drink cow milk without erupting in diarrhea, besides other cows and humans that is?

[–]Rawmin 1 point2 points ago

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Technically humans are supposed to lactose intolerant too. That's the word on the street at least.

[–]jaap424 0 points1 point ago

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I don't think people on the street take kindly to people discussing the finer point of lactose intolerance though.

Still weird to be the only species that drinks milk from a completely different species way into our adulthood but a large majority of us don't get stomach problems from lactose though.

[–]Rawmin 1 point2 points ago

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It is absolutely weird. It seems fairly normal until you imagine a cow coming up, grabbing a woman by the breast, and pouring herself a fresh glass.

[–]jaap424 1 point2 points ago

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Inter species breast feeding has to be fetish.

[–]sloppoclop -1 points0 points ago

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I didn't say it was cow milk.

[–]Dirty-DjAngo 0 points1 point ago

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Thank you for giving me the opportunity to imagine that

[–]jnjs 1 point2 points ago

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I've heard that the majority of people in the world actually are lactose intolerant. It's only in the highly developed West that lactose tolerance is common.

[–]Stick_em_Cuh 6 points7 points ago

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"Nigga, fuck yo' toe!"

[–]dorisfrench 2 points3 points ago

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People also buy them and don't understand how fragile they are and they die all the time.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Hedgehogs should never be given milk.

[–]sloppoclop 0 points1 point ago

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she didn't drink it ;/

[–]cant_be_pun_seen 0 points1 point ago

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There is literally a story for anything on reddit

[–]callmejelly 1 point2 points ago

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What did you do? Besides get LOTS AND LOTS OF BLOOD on your bed?

[–]sloppoclop 0 points1 point ago

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Hedgehog gave birth.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Shocking 24 points25 points ago

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I think he just did

[–]Dirty-DjAngo 0 points1 point ago

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Where do you live that you are out catching hedgehogs?

[–]andrewsmith1986 52 points53 points ago

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My hedgehog is a mean motherfucker.

[–]greathousedagoth 42 points43 points ago

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Fuck that shit all up

[–]karmadust 23 points24 points ago

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I thought that was cute until I saw its mouth was all foamy. ಠ_ಠ

[–]Migurai 10 points11 points ago

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You can see some of the foam on its back too. Mine would wander around the house, find a chunk of carpet to tug on for a while and then just go to town slimeing his back up.

[–]tehdelicatepuma 9 points10 points ago

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Why do they 'slime' their backs?

[–]Eaux 18 points19 points ago

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Its a fitness thing, apparently. It's called anointing. No one is REALLY sure why they do it, but one theory is that it masks their scent from predators. Also, the spit they coat their quills in is slightly toxic to predators.

Personally I think they just want to smell like that cool new shit they just found so they can get all the chicks. Eau de Chickensnack and Eau de New Fleece Blanket.

[–]dweeb_ 7 points8 points ago

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Eau de Owner's Flesh

As for the toxicity, I can attest to that. I frequently had allergic reactions when I got poked a little too hard or when he was noming on my hand. The irritation was worse than the quills pricks themselves.

[–]sneakatdatavibe 3 points4 points ago

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Me too. It sort of itches. My hedgehog has not figured out in 20 months that I am not a predator, despite my giving him mealworms almost every time I handle him. He's a 'tard.

[–]Iyashii 0 points1 point ago

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Allegedly they will find a toxic/semi-toxic substance, chew it up and rub their spit/foam onto their bristles to ward off predators. They have been known to chew up things like cigarettes.

[–]_xxxxxx_ -1 points0 points ago

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Nice try, goo-filled Rob Reiner

[–]FaCubeItch 14 points15 points ago

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Same reason the guys from Jersey Shore put so much gel in their hair

[–]MapChicky 1 point2 points ago

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Best Thing on Reddit all night

[–]dweeb_ 7 points8 points ago*

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It's called anointing. I've had it described to me as keeping a library of scents on their back. Wikipedia says it's possibly for camouflage. The worst part is when you give them a bath and their quills are all nice and they go and spit all over themselves again.

This thread is making me super sad face. I just had to put my 5 year old hedgehog down a month ago.

edit: spelling

[–]Eaux 6 points7 points ago

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That sucks, dude. I know the feeling. My hedge once did that with his own poo. Probably just to spite me.

[–]Eaux 11 points12 points ago

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Y'alls crazy

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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My hedgehog is a fat, lazy motherfucker.

[–]athsmatic_hedgehog -2 points-1 points ago*

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Shit, is it a girl and named Jimmy? If so, you're me.

[–]spritle6054 4 points5 points ago

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You're*

[–]andrewsmith1986 2 points3 points ago

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Girl but name is czech.

[–]drummer1059 13 points14 points ago

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"I would never stomp my feet on another man's couch." "Ya, I remember stomping my feet on his couch"

[–]michaelzelen 4 points5 points ago

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cocaine is a hell of a drug

[–]gripmastah 38 points39 points ago

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CHARLIE MURPHY!!!!

[–]JenniferLopez 32 points33 points ago

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DARKNESS

[–]alwaysdoubledown 10 points11 points ago

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You was cold as ice!

[–]karnoculars 9 points10 points ago

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Eddie says, "Man... Rick really needs help". I was like, "Hey man, we just gave him some help. We busted his motha fuckin' legs."

[–]neglect_your_dad 4 points5 points ago

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i read that in dave chapelles voice.

[–]michaelzelen 4 points5 points ago

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now that you mention it, I think I'm bleeding inside my chest, but I got the medicine

[–]st0pmakings3ns3 2 points3 points ago

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the stickiest of the icky

[–]CarpetShampooer 20 points21 points ago

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I can't believe I've had my old girl for 7 years now, ever since she was a baby. She gets the best pet ever award, and we've been through a lot of rough times together. She's lost some teeth and quills, bites sometimes, and I had to spend over 2 grand on vet bills last month... But at the end of the day we curl up like this. One of the few things that makes me not want to go on a fucking rampage and kill all of you. :)

http://i.imgur.com/WrDHM.jpg

[–]PeaInAPod 4 points5 points ago

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I have a hedgehog and love him to death and always look for the hedgehog posts. That said I've seen quite a few and I have to say this is easily the cutest owner/pet pic I've ever seen. You can tell she is just super relaxed and content to just lay there tummy up.

[–]Pixshel 2 points3 points ago

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Perhaps I should get a hedgehog. Hmm...

[–]Cured 0 points1 point ago

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I've been thinking the same. I just don't think you can legally buy them here in Australia...

[–]SidewalkJohnny 3 points4 points ago

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Just get a drop bear then

[–]Pixshel 0 points1 point ago

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:(

[–]CoprophagiaGrin 1 point2 points ago

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May I ask, how do you keep her nails trim? I'm not sure if my hedgey isn't used to me yet or what, but I haven't managed to trim her nails comfortably yet.

[–]CarpetShampooer 0 points1 point ago

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Once it gets used to your touch and sound of your voice, you can do pretty much anything! Toenails usually have to be done in a couple of sessions for me though, with her on her back, completely relaxed.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]lemmiwinkles 0 points1 point ago

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I hold mine in the palm of my hand belly side up. He'll try to wiggle his arms and legs to flip over for a while, get tired then completely rest his arms and legs sprawled out. I usually manage to cut one set of nails before he starts up again. Timmy doesn't mind getting his nails cut and in the 3 years I've had him he's only nibbled my finger twice. Once because I was handling his food beforehand.

[–]shwiggy 1 point2 points ago*

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7 years, amazing! I lost my little Ziggy at the beginning of the year after 4 years and only then did I realize how attached to him I had become. Little fucker had full reign of the apartment when I was watching tv or reading.

Edit: damn reddit links not working :(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?context=C30715d0ADOEgsToPDskJfDWU1X0Zmd9eCKC1U6ofr&v=5KAg7jraoM4

[–]CarpetShampooer 0 points1 point ago

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Oh wow! I've never seen one do that. Ugh yeah the biggest downside is that they can be health-problem magnets, tons of congenital issues you just can't predict or even treat sometimes. Your hedgehog looked happy as shit though! Good job!

[–]Dyransprobrems 60 points61 points ago

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Nigga, fuck yo couch!

[–]greediest_burglar 22 points23 points ago

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Darknesses, Darknesses!

[–]StrangerInTheRye 15 points16 points ago

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Pitch black! Darkness! Midnight! You were cold as ice.

[–]CARiedmann 10 points11 points ago

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Cocaine's a hell of a drug.

[–]LilWally28 7 points8 points ago

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I'm Rick James, bitch!

[–]drunxor 6 points7 points ago

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What did the five fingers say to the face?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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SLAP

[–]ChuckYoCouch -4 points-3 points ago

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You rang?

[–]Tokerfaceman024 31 points32 points ago

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They should have never gave you nigga's money!!!!

[–]username02 1 point2 points ago

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You don't appreciate shit!

[–]molkhal 5 points6 points ago

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It's Hedgehog Bitch! Enjoy yourself ;)

[–]LetKeepItSimple 5 points6 points ago*

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"They Should've never gave yall niggas money."

[–]GodzillasPride 3 points4 points ago

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Fuck yo couch nigga. FTFY

[–]immaturtle 4 points5 points ago

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Looks like he sofa'king pist

[–]CanIGetaHellYeah 9 points10 points ago

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Ha ha! Buy another one, ya rich motherfucker

[–]claytorENT 5 points6 points ago

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hell yeah

[–]wtfOP 1 point2 points ago

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DARKNESSSSSSS

[–]TheCannonMan 2 points3 points ago

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Buy another one ya rich mother fucker

[–]PurpleFootballer 2 points3 points ago

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nigga!

[–]orionxx 4 points5 points ago

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relevant

[–]Dattosan 1 point2 points ago

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Why does everyone else have a hedgehog?

[–]killjobs 1 point2 points ago

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legs like linguine...... DARKNESS!!

[–]Juanster 1 point2 points ago

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Cocaine is One hell of a drug.

[–]WorstPunsEver 1 point2 points ago

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This post really SPIKED my interest!

[–]meatwad75892 1 point2 points ago

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Not pictured: Tails peeing on the loveseat.

[–]robbiedo 1 point2 points ago

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I am surprised the couch didn't explode gold rings.

[–]sb490 1 point2 points ago

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I actually have this saying as a tattoo on my wrist. Upvote for pics.

[–]st0pmakings3ns3 1 point2 points ago

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... yeah, i remember drying my teeth on eddies couch...

[–]alwaysdoubledown 5 points6 points ago

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Bust his legs up.

[–]makesthings_awkward 3 points4 points ago

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A truly sad picture of Sonic in his later years depicting him in the throes of one of his pcp binges.

[–]aco620 2 points3 points ago

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Ugh, fuck these little bastards. They're absolutely adorable and I always wanted one...until I got one. I found out that hedgehogs are actually where all the poo you flush down the toilet ends up. They have no qualms whatsoever about releasing 20-500 gallons of pure, unfiltered turd into their food dish every hour, on the hour, and then proceeding to recycle said turd mountain back into their body as they eat it along with their food. And don't even try to let them run around the house in a hamster ball! That thing was yellow when I bought it! WELL IT AINT YELLOW ANYMORE, I TELL YOU WHAT!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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This is an excellent cautionary tale about buying 'cute' pets you know nothing about.

[–]aco620 0 points1 point ago

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Who said I knew nothing about it? Did I say that at some point? Don't think I see it up there anywhere. I don't remember the two books I bought, the websites I read, or the pet store owner saying "Oh hey, by the way, this thing will poo more than it's body weight on a more than regular basis, FYI." Taking care of him was easy, it was the never-ending poo supply I hated.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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A hedgehog that poops into its food bowl is telling you something. The fact that you kept on feeding that food anyway says more.

It's only young, growing hedgehogs that poop prodigiously and everywhere. I think that's true of all young animals.

[–]bikergurl2 0 points1 point ago

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Thanks for your input...I just lost my little hedgie last week...jaw tumor....put him to sleep and have been missing him terribly...I laughed at your post until I wet my pants....his nickname was Sir Poops Alot. Yeah, the hamster ball lasted less than a single try.

[–]dishie 1 point2 points ago

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This is terrifying. And that's all I have to say about that.

[–]fuckyocouchniggas 1 point2 points ago

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*Nigga!

[–]omfghi2u 1 point2 points ago

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I saw this post a couple hours ago in a sea of opened tabs and I was like "ok so it's a hedgehog biting a couch". Fast forward to now, I was scrolling down and saw the thumbnail with title this time, had to upvote.

[–]djicebergus 0 points1 point ago

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the proportions in this photo are very strange

[–]cgycnd 0 points1 point ago

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that thing scares me a lot more than I thought it would.

[–]saeedo007 0 points1 point ago

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Those fucking teeth.

[–]Acp_1993 0 points1 point ago

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Cocaine anyone?

[–]Anybodykiller 0 points1 point ago

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Husalah, Husalah!

[–]Crashmo 0 points1 point ago

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This is what happens when you get chili dog on your couch. Have to be careful of that with hedgehogs around.

[–]Nebula_stopthewar 0 points1 point ago

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Why can't there be just one adorable animal that never turns scary?

[–]PirateMug 0 points1 point ago

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I know right? Those teeth are terrifying.

[–]penisinthepeanutbttr 0 points1 point ago

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"nice place, nigga"

[–]SeagullOfDoom 0 points1 point ago

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Munchies

[–]goodpulse 0 points1 point ago

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Its just an accessory of the couch.

[–]renegade222 0 points1 point ago

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"Fuck Yo' Dad's lawnmower! We ain't even got that shit no more"

[–]Pierre_Tramo 0 points1 point ago

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Those teeth !

I understand now how they can eat snakes

[–]YourOldBoyRickJames 0 points1 point ago

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I'm always arrive late to things like this!

[–]StochasticOoze 0 points1 point ago

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gotta go fast

[–]EntinludeX 0 points1 point ago

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Hedgehog Murphey!

[–]mikeyrocks13 0 points1 point ago*

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fuck yo couch sonic you can get a new one! you rich ass motha fucka. with all those gold rings jesus christ

[–]1brdc 0 points1 point ago

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A co worker mentioned baby hedgehogs today. All I could think about was this pic.

[–]webby_mc_webberson -1 points0 points ago

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D'AAAAWWWWW that's a cute little kitty!

[–]REDandBLUElights -1 points0 points ago

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poker face

[–]Nemesis427 -1 points0 points ago

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Fuck yo GROSS animal

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

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Relevant

[–]johnny_gunn -1 points0 points ago

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Buy anotha' one ya rich mothafucka!!

[–]oopsijizzedalittle -1 points0 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

What did the five fingers say to the face?

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