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top 200 commentsshow all 245

[–]ballness10 180 points181 points ago

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TIL Katy Perry takes mean facials.

[–]RunningBearMan 40 points41 points ago

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Weirdest boner.

[–]MonsterAddict 15 points16 points ago

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Katy Perry taking a load to the face gives you a "weird boner"?

[–]RunningBearMan 16 points17 points ago*

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Katy Perry taking a load of weird green goo to the face renders the boner weird. Although it is probably the least weird weird boner I've had.

[–]TheDreadGazeebo 1 point2 points ago

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you said it was the 'weirdest boner'

[–]RunningBearMan 0 points1 point ago

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At the time it felt like it.

[–]SkyeFire 1 point2 points ago

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Pretend it's tentacle porn. It looks like some sort of Japanese game show, so in all likelihood, it's possible.

[–]mimus09 1 point2 points ago

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Looks like Slime Time.

[–]RunningBearMan 1 point2 points ago

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Which actually sounds like it would be a tentacle porn. Also tentacle porn is boner-killer. I have a very conservative penis.

[–]weirdestboner 5 points6 points ago

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You rang?

[–]RunningBearMan 1 point2 points ago

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As an expert on weird boners, how weird is a Katy Perry goo facial boner? 1-10 scale please.

[–]IdTapDat 6 points7 points ago

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Most G-Rated Boner.

[–]RunningBearMan 2 points3 points ago

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Which is kinda weird.

[–]IdTapDat 1 point2 points ago

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Definitely not my weirdest boner.

[–]BraveElmo 0 points1 point ago

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a grated boner sounds like it would hurt.

[–]chucknorrisismyson 7 points8 points ago

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up the nose.

[–]kentpilot 1 point2 points ago

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I have you res tagged as "likes 3OH!3" ಠ_ಠ

[–]ballness10 2 points3 points ago

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I commented that they're a guilty pleasure. 350 comment karma later it defines me.

[–]kentpilot 0 points1 point ago

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That's amazing!

[–]Dinocologist 292 points293 points ago

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The fuck were you having sex with?

[–]Thomhobbes 28 points29 points ago

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Katy Perry, obviously.

[–]icup24 98 points99 points ago

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Shrek, hence the green jizz.

[–]Unrelated_Gif 413 points414 points ago

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[–]Linkenten 33 points34 points ago

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I was like The fuck does that have to do with this? What the fu- oh.

[–]Synthrocker 5 points6 points ago

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God damnit. He got me to. Watched it over and over and simply like was what the fuck....read your post, looked at name. Ahh. couldn't stop laughing

[–]towmeaway 2 points3 points ago

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Completely related! ... to having sex with a condom ... the cat is a sperm ... OK, not related to the KP video, but to the having sex concept.

[–]HollaJames 4 points5 points ago

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Or Hymen. Cat's just got to want to get in more

[–]Co3v 46 points47 points ago

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slow clap

[–]kingR1L3y 34 points35 points ago

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[–]echopaff 17 points18 points ago

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That's the greatest youtube video ever made.

[–]blackdragon437 2 points3 points ago

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Hmmm... This one is strangely relevant to the first time I had sex, with a virgin..

[–]yellowhat 4 points5 points ago

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I love how this would totally be animal abuse if it was a dog, but because it's a cat it's hilarious.

[–]poptart2nd 1 point2 points ago

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I've missed you so much. where have you been?

[–]imatat 4 points5 points ago

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Totally related: that's what happens to your gizms when you wear a condom.

[–]bibimcmacky 2 points3 points ago

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Not. Clicking.

[–]_newtothis 24 points25 points ago

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Dude its cool. it's a cat gif...I'm serious.

[–]RouseHouse1013 11 points12 points ago

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Good choice. It couldn't even fit all the way in there!

[–]elpequenolarousse 1 point2 points ago

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you liar, that gif is absolutely related

[–]halogrand 9 points10 points ago

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skin colour = semen colour?

[–]chimpwithalimp 36 points37 points ago

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Welcome to Reddit Biology.

Next lecture: Breath mints in butt, do they cure gas?

[–]CornflakeJustice 10 points11 points ago

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Answer: No, but they sure make it smell better!

[–]Cdf12345 1 point2 points ago

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But what about the flavor?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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Minty fresh!

[–]akas3006 16 points17 points ago

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realllly old repost from 4chan but....So guys, about half an hour ago, I farted. Sitting at my computer as I do most of the time, this is something I've grown used to, but this fart really fucking stank. Seriously, it was like eleven dead animals with shit mixed in. I was sick and tired of having farts smell so terrible. But did I do what the sensible person would do, and get up and wait for it to disperse, perhaps taking with me the resolution to change my diet to better influence my smells? No, I did not. I took what I considered to be the alternative route.

I stuck a mint up my ass.

I figured that, since it dissolves in saliva, my ass would server a fair job of dissolving it, thus lining the end of my colon with a nice minty extract and making my farts the kind that goirls would like to make out with. Somwhere along the line, however, I apparently didn't work out the way the dissolved mint would be absorbed into the walls.

Anyway, around 20 minutes passed, and I had to fart again. Being of a scientific mind, I decided this would be where I'd prove or disprove my hypothesis, so I let her rip.

Oh god. It wasn't a fart. It was a fucking butt sneeze.

The mint had been dissolved, that much was clear. But what was left was spearmint jelly mixed with shit, and it was all over my boxers and running down my leg as I ran to the bathroom. I cleaned up my boxers as best i could, scrubbed my leg, and tossed the underwear in the wash. So overall an embarrassing experience, and one I wouldn't want to relive.

However, it was worth the noting: That shit jelly smelled fucking awesome.

[–]klutch2 13 points14 points ago

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That's just wine mixed with normal semen.

[–]Unrelated_NSFW_Gif -3 points-2 points ago

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[–]bland_username 73 points74 points ago

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Bar Rafaeli.

[–]WilliamAgain 4 points5 points ago

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? I am not quite getting that reference. I know who she is, but what she has in common with the Katy Perry and a box full of green jizz is beyond me.

[–]highvolt4g3 18 points19 points ago

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Old Gregg

[–]edwork 7 points8 points ago

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what are you doing in my waters?

[–]paradigm_control 7 points8 points ago

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wanna go to a club where people wee on each other?

[–]penisinthepeanutbttr 5 points6 points ago

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ILL DO TO YOU WHAT I DID TO CURLY JEFFERSON

[–]paradigm_control 3 points4 points ago

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...Love Games?

[–]ManApeGoneWrong 1 point2 points ago

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Easy now, fuzzy little man-peach.

[–]giantpurplemonkey 6 points7 points ago

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would you like some Baileys?

[–]Excelsior58 3 points4 points ago

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In a shoe?

[–]ShakeNBakey 3 points4 points ago

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The girl from the exorcist

[–]TheWhiteSpainard 4 points5 points ago

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The Hulk

[–]Dinocologist 24 points25 points ago

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HULK SPLOOSH

[–]reveals_bias 3 points4 points ago

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Popeye.

[–]R3MY 1 point2 points ago

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The pen is mightier.

[–]Dapwell 5 points6 points ago

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Zoidburg?

[–]ShinyWisenheimer 12 points13 points ago

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Why not

[–]Dr_Zoidberg_the_3rd 6 points7 points ago

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What?

[–]Will_Google_Question -3 points-2 points ago

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[–]white_cheddar 0 points1 point ago

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[–]jared030858 0 points1 point ago

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[–]MarshallLawWins -1 points0 points ago*

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The mask

Not to be confused with Rocky Dennis

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Roger

[–]Gaz_on_reddit 50 points51 points ago

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[–]Zalitara 40 points41 points ago

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Was to much power in that, looks like it would hurt like hell to be hit by that.

[–]AllGreatAllTheTime 21 points22 points ago

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specialy in the eyes

[–]idiocracyftw 17 points18 points ago

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It looks like she stumbled a bit and then fell over after being hit...

[–]CornflakeJustice 4 points5 points ago

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I think she just slipped, but that may just make it funnier.

[–]Nwsamurai 21 points22 points ago

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You know some of it went right up her nose, clogged her sinuses, and dripped down the back of her throat.

[–]PotataChipz 4 points5 points ago

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Upvote for OH GOD I'M GAGGING NOW.

[–]weirdestboner 1 point2 points ago

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Go on...

[–]Danamo 0 points1 point ago

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Good. Maybe it will stop her terrible singing career.

[–]bigp3rm 24 points25 points ago

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She was a pretty good sport about it. Wonder if it was planned.

[–]spuddeh 27 points28 points ago

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Assuming this is the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards, they do this to like half of the speakers every year, so I'm sure she at least expected it.

[–]DivinusVox 14 points15 points ago

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Kids Choice Awards. And I don't think she was expecting that amount of slime. Nickelodeon has really be skimping on the amount and pressure of celebrity slimings, but this is really impressive.

[–]somedaypilot 4 points5 points ago

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I seem to recall seeing a picture of her after she got off stage. She was pissed.

[–]B_Elanna_Torres 5 points6 points ago

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I remember reading on the E! Online that she was pissed that it happened to her and she was sniffing & cleaning out her nose all night & the following days. She complained that it went up her nose and had a hard time breathing through it for a week.

I'd say she was pissed.

[–]userlame 9 points10 points ago

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There's a dude out there somewhere who now goes around telling his friends "I tapped Katy Perry."

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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Why is Snoop Dogg at the Teen Choice Awards?

[–]MrFakeName 9 points10 points ago

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That nigga gotz ta get his

[–]Sindragon 0 points1 point ago

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Because teens?

[–]B_Elanna_Torres 0 points1 point ago

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The stand says Kids Choice Awards.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Damnit B'Elanna, that's why nobody likes you.

[–]BitSaysYes 0 points1 point ago

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Fo' Jizzle.

[–]SynthD 0 points1 point ago

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Looks like the fall was practiced, as she kept her dignity. I doubt you'd let someone wear a dress like that on a live TV show without a rehearsal, let alone slime.

[–]BasRutten951 59 points60 points ago

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You Can't Do that on Television!

[–]userlame 26 points27 points ago

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I think maybe you can.

I don't know.

[–]ROBOT-DINOSAUR-NINJA 12 points13 points ago

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I see what you d- I mean

Daaaaaaaw I HEARD THAT!

[–]Cdf12345 6 points7 points ago

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Wow, I just spit out my water

[–]BitSaysYes 1 point2 points ago

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[–]SynthD 0 points1 point ago

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[–]BitSaysYes 0 points1 point ago

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Whenever someone said water, they got a bucket dumped on their head.

[–]SynthD 0 points1 point ago

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[–]Diggidy 2 points3 points ago

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You oughtta know.

[–]DNGR_S_PAPERCUT 39 points40 points ago

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OP is a chick that received a facial after the act of sexing.

[–]Obscure_Pun 19 points20 points ago

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Or is the OP the box, giving a girl an unexpected facial.

[–]IdTapDat 6 points7 points ago

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Got my dick in a box~

[–]iamhusband[S] 1 point2 points ago

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RIGHT!

[–]schoocher 7 points8 points ago

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Who did she receive the facial from? Shrek?

[–]tooPoorToPlaySkyrim 2 points3 points ago

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called iamhusband?

[–]yagmot 0 points1 point ago

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i thought maybe it was a guy and his lady friend was a serious squirter.

[–]iamhusband[S] 0 points1 point ago

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WRONG.

[–]original-finder 232 points233 points ago

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Original Submission (100%): The First time I had sex

Posted: 2h before this post by jdogg11 (fixed by iamhusband)

This comment generated by an automated bot. Is this match wrong?

[–]hydrogenous 121 points122 points ago

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I clicked on "is this match wrong" and the bot wanted ME to find the original and post it. fuck you bot. I'm not doing your bot work for you.

[–]elbiot 3 points4 points ago

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is the bot wrong?

[–]sunexplodes 5 points6 points ago

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It's not wrong, Walter. It's just an asshole!

[–]authorblues 10 points11 points ago

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Lols lols, communist bot wants to take credit for hard work of proud working class.

[–]mage2k 32 points33 points ago

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That would be capitalism.

[–]Dippay 1 point2 points ago

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thank you for taking the time to click the "is this match wrong" telling me about it so i don't have to. upvote for you good sir

[–]Tiek00n 0 points1 point ago

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But the match isn't wrong.

[–]hydrogenous 0 points1 point ago

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I get the Lion King Image AND the Nickelodion splooge image. Typically this bot is looking for reposts and links to the original post. It doesn't usually find [fixed] posts and link to the original.

[–]Tiek00n 0 points1 point ago

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Huh. That's all I've seen it do. There are other bots that look for reposts, I'm pretty sure, but the only time I've seen original-finder post is for [fixed] ones.

Although I don't usually look far enough down the page on reposts to find the bots.

[–]somethinginsideme 42 points43 points ago

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Pow! Right in the kisser.

[–]Rich_Cheese 9 points10 points ago

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Id splodge all over katy perry too.

[–]theghoul 8 points9 points ago

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[–]drakegta 1 point2 points ago

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Haven't thought about that movie in years.

[–]Asperoth 1 point2 points ago

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What in the world is that from?

[–]FalconTheory 2 points3 points ago

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I just dont have face anymore when people dont know the first scary movie....

[–]InTheSoupTogether 1 point2 points ago

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I just dont have face anymore when people dont know the first scary movie....

I just dont have face anymore when people dont know

I just dont have face anymore

I just dont have facefacefacefacefacefaceface

[–]Omnipwn 0 points1 point ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]Ron_Mahogany 13 points14 points ago

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I like the part where she fell down.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points ago

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You gave Katy Perry your dick in a box? Sounds legit.

[–]xMalnutrition 4 points5 points ago

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Better yet, he gave her a brutal money shot.

[–]Call_Me_Chase 24 points25 points ago

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Boom! Headshot!

[–]Bueno_Colitas 2 points3 points ago

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chase

[–]Magnusmistro 3 points4 points ago

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Your first time was with HER? well fucking done.

[–]srsTroll 2 points3 points ago

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If you ejaculate several litres of green sperm, please see a doctor.

[–]Cdf12345 6 points7 points ago

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Or Katy perry

[–]iamhusband[S] 0 points1 point ago

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Well played.

[–]iamhusband[S] 4 points5 points ago

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People just want to know if I am a guy or not so they feel more comfortable about their weird boners.

I'm a dude, I thought it was obvious this was a joke about a giant premature ejaculated facial the first time you have sex but I guess it is way funnier to think about all the different meanings.

P.S. All you guys who commented and upvoted are great, I upvoted you all.

[–]bracoca 5 points6 points ago

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My first time was frigging terrible, it was also her first time I tried giving her oral, i deeply regret it, worst smell/taste ever! but from all my experiences, that was definitely the worst.

[–]LikesGirls 5 points6 points ago

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How did it taste/smell bad? Was it just dirty?

[–]ZuFFuLuZ 8 points9 points ago

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Never heard the jolly rancher story?

[–]albinomike 17 points18 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ

[–]Bladvass 2 points3 points ago

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I need a vomit bag.

[–]BoxMonster44 1 point2 points ago

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I've seen this brought up twice in the last 20 minutes I've spent on Reddit. I need to go outside more.

[–]DoctorWhosOnFirst 0 points1 point ago

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I'm scared to say...but no, I haven't

[–]evelution 0 points1 point ago

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Well when you do hear it, just keep in mind it's a load of shit. The story was made up to mess with weak-stomached individuals.

[–]Zaros104 0 points1 point ago

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[–]rogeris 0 points1 point ago

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You dick!

[–]baconpiex 0 points1 point ago

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Fuck, you fuck. It's just... fuck. Fucking fuck, you motherfuck. It's like The Game only much worse. I'm winning as long as I've forgotten it, then some fuck reminds me. Fuck.

[–]bracoca 0 points1 point ago

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it tastes like sour/bitter, and smell like death. That day we went to a party and danced a lot, after the party we had sex, but i bet she was sweaty down there.

[–]lessobvious 2 points3 points ago

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[–]IronLung330 2 points3 points ago

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i think the greenish yellow discharge is a symptom of gonorrhea...

[–]Stripe-less 2 points3 points ago

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If your erection is painful or lasts longer than 4 hours, or if semen assumes a CrayolaTM Caterpillar Green hue, contact your physician.

[–]Kyle368 2 points3 points ago

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You splooged green slim all over Katy Perry? ....nice

[–]Pentaxia 4 points5 points ago

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did you fuck a fire hydrant?

[–]iamjakt 6 points7 points ago

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This confuses the reader.

[–]Leonhart0094 3 points4 points ago

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What is this from?

[–]Iwanttobelive 35 points36 points ago

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It's from the first time he had sex, didn't you read the title?

[–]jormugandr 7 points8 points ago

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Looks like the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards.

[–]ZuFFuLuZ 2 points3 points ago

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It's probably both.

[–]R4yn3 9 points10 points ago

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Omg :O The 1st time you had Sex was with Katy Perry, you lucky son of a bitch :D

[–]mount_eerie 4 points5 points ago

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Dear god, it was green?! Get yourself checked out right now!

[–]tooPoorToPlaySkyrim 1 point2 points ago

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you got shat on?

[–]rahim360 1 point2 points ago

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it also lasted that long

[–]geekgirlshavemorefun 1 point2 points ago

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At least someone had a good time their first time!

[–]JustaFerret 1 point2 points ago

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I find this strangly very attractive

[–]Undead_outlaw 1 point2 points ago

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That's how the jack in the box cums.

[–]TMox 1 point2 points ago

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Up her nose it goes.

[–]open_ur_mind 1 point2 points ago

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Would it be a fair assumption to make that a large amount of slime went up her nose? The angle is perfect.

[–]pufflehuff 1 point2 points ago

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Someone set the pressure on that thing way too high

[–]penisinthepeanutbttr 1 point2 points ago

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so you splooged on katy perrys face......thats a fucking awesome first time

[–]skittlesstorm 1 point2 points ago

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got it up in your nose! 10 points! x)

[–]jackit 1 point2 points ago

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you should probably get that checked out

[–]benfranklinpierce 1 point2 points ago

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I hope you are a girl.

[–]Draygon_Slayer 1 point2 points ago

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Way to scare the shit out of every virgin on Reddit, OP.

[–]Nolon 1 point2 points ago

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I got a bj and it was on for about,a second

[–]Tebasaki 1 point2 points ago

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In this gif her tits aren't THAT big.

[–]flargenhargen 1 point2 points ago

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[–]danefalberg 0 points1 point ago

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Russell Brand is this you!?!?!

[–]Ash_ThePrussian 0 points1 point ago

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You're doing it wrong.

[–]CobraStallone 0 points1 point ago

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2: Put your junk in that box.

[–]PancakeFashion 0 points1 point ago

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Put your dick in a box....

[–]sinenominex 0 points1 point ago

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Reminds me of this classic slime from Ms. Jamie Spears.

[–]DENelson83 0 points1 point ago

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[–]ctrlaltrockdel 0 points1 point ago

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You had sex with Katy Perry?

[–]quincy_c3 0 points1 point ago

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You should probably get that looked at by a doctor. Green is not a healthy colour.

[–]stephenjr311 0 points1 point ago

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You're doing it wrong.

[–]NonY450 0 points1 point ago

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That looks like it fucking hurt. Bam, green goop right in the eyes.

[–]havesometea1 0 points1 point ago

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BUKKAKE!

[–]avd007 0 points1 point ago

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are you a girl? or a guy?

[–]SteveSeeksArete 0 points1 point ago

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The first time you had sex you jizzed green all over katy perry?

[–]anikan72 0 points1 point ago

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With the references to slime in this post and the original I'm wondering if people are having their first time in a Hentai

[–]wtfamiwatching 0 points1 point ago

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weirdest boner

[–]SpitefulMoose 0 points1 point ago

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Someone, somewhere is fapping HARD to that.

[–]stapviggo 0 points1 point ago

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First time you had sex was with Katy Perry? Well played.

[–]sprz -1 points0 points ago

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Soon: [FIXED] YOU NEVER HAD SEX LOL FIXED POSTS ARE FUNNY

[–]zoospor -5 points-4 points ago

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first actual lol today xD

[–]aidsrainbow -1 points0 points ago

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I don't think that was sex.

[–]mukeshitt -1 points0 points ago

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You meant BJ and not sex, right?

[–]marthagetsit -1 points0 points ago

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There was no way I was going to try that the first time.