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top 200 commentsshow all 339

[–]supdog13 473 points474 points ago

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Look, you're not stupid. It's your friend's girlfriend. You're gonna sit across from her, chew your food with your mouth closed, laugh at her fucking jokes, and that's it.

[–]wade_station 112 points113 points ago

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Go home, jerk off, and that's all you're gonna do.

[–]kresblain 49 points50 points ago

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Joke's on you, I was gonna do that anyway.

[–]DividingZero 23 points24 points ago

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Jokes on you tough guy, I can't read!

[–]FullOfMan 10 points11 points ago

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You are impossible!

[–]OriginallyWhat 7 points8 points ago

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[–]retardo-montoban 1 point2 points ago

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Yes, but now you won't be thinking about guys.

[–]Zombie_Lover 1 point2 points ago

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Joke's on you, I wasn't going home first anyways!

[–]thaspaam[S] 3 points4 points ago

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I actually did. You see, when I found out that the girl I'm joking about was dating the friend I was joking about, we were in the middle of shooting an independent movie at school and she happened to be wearing a shirt that shows off her cleavage (which is quite nice) in a very nice fashion. Anyways, when I went to edit the footage later, my boner returned. Then I jerked it to my friend's girlfriend.

[–]indiggnantuser 149 points150 points ago

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Unless his friend looks like a bitch. Does he look like a bitch?

[–]username02 89 points90 points ago

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what?

[–]Sklaj 76 points77 points ago

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DOES HE LOOK, LIKE A BITCH?

[–]Poogy 13 points14 points ago

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What? I-I-

[–]kz_ 70 points71 points ago

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Then she might get a footrub.

[–]johnmd32 50 points51 points ago

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Say 'what' again! Say 'what' again, I DARE you!

[–]Rosetti 62 points63 points ago

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lol I love shaft.

[–]LeChTo 21 points22 points ago

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Yeah, Will Smith is my favourite.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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i think his collaboration with kobe bryant on that "watch the seat" album was his best work yet since rush hour.

[–]RGilly 3 points4 points ago

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[–]pipotzescu 6 points7 points ago

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what?

[–]lebleuceleste 7 points8 points ago

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do they speak english in What?

[–]unconventionalspork 1 point2 points ago

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wut

[–]kc7wbq 4 points5 points ago

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Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time!

[–]MargerineHat 7 points8 points ago

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Maybe a foot massage?

[–]FatherofMeatballs 2 points3 points ago

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It's called a FRONT RUB at the massage parlors here in NYC.

[–]Bilibond 169 points170 points ago

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This is actually a real problem for me. My friend's girlfriend is very... touchy. She doesn't mean it in any type of way, it's just how she is. She likes hugs. They're innocent enough but I still feel pretty weird.

[–]Hubris2 58 points59 points ago

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Kind of like she has ESP, and knows when your crotch is cold?

[–]tombone66 55 points56 points ago

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She can smell fear

[–]Cathbar 33 points34 points ago

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and ball sweat

[–][deleted] 99 points100 points ago

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tell her you feel weird about it

[–]bloodwrage 198 points199 points ago

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But... boobs.

[–]RollerDerby88 61 points62 points ago

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DM;TB

[–]SweetNeo85 190 points191 points ago

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Ahh yes, Dungeon Master Tuberculosis...

[–]TheMediaSays 29 points30 points ago

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Good thing I made my saving throw.

[–]TheMagicToolBus 14 points15 points ago

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This made me laugh way harder than it should have.

[–]alphanumerik 6 points7 points ago

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This crippling disease does not get enough attention.

[–]theDENNISsystem4life 5 points6 points ago

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Butt-boobs

[–]jettrscga 5 points6 points ago

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I would donate at least $1 to this research.

[–]fawker 50 points51 points ago

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No, passive aggressive sulking and jealousy fueled rages on unrelated petty matters is the way to go.

[–]yetarl 31 points32 points ago

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...And this is how you become a Sith.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]yetarl 5 points6 points ago

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I play a sith, I'm not implying it's a bad thing, it was just a friendly PSA. "The Dark Side, for all your ink and toner needs, and the occasional gruesome murder."

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

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:( Are you sure? She probably means no harm. If you tell her she'll know to back off and your friendship with her could be great!

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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He was being sarcastic...

[–]Tappen_Zee 6 points7 points ago

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Aww... Reddit is harsh sometimes. You sound legitimately concerned and nice. Upvote for being nice on the Internet.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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thank you for pulling me out of the negatives for a second. :) I just want ppl to be happy.

[–]SatanGetsMe 27 points28 points ago

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Or don't say anything and control yourself. Hugging is not weird. Getting a boner instantly upon female contact is weird.

[–]zerodb 19 points20 points ago

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The other day my friend's GF was hugging me and I was thinking "don't get a boner, don't get a boner, don't get a boner..."

BUT SHE DID.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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I can see both sides. I'm a female and happen to be touchy feely with my boyfriends friends. If one of them said to me "i'm not super comfortable with you touching me" i'd be like "muh bad" and then stop, and then we'd go about our day. . . nothing changed.

[–]SatanGetsMe 6 points7 points ago

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Well okay. I would feel more awkward than the guy ever did if he told me to stop hugging him. I use hugging to combat severe social anxiety, so I think being told that would destroy me.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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hmmmmm. I guess I should take back my suggestions lol. Don't want anyone getting destroyed! :(

[–]SatanGetsMe 2 points3 points ago

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Haha no, I shouldn't take things so personally. Boners are way more uncomfortable than wondering if everyone's thinking you're a stand-offish bitch.

Geez, commenting on Reddit is so introspective.

[–]Gareth321 3 points4 points ago

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Getting a boner instantly upon female contact is weird.

This one is involuntary. It's a reflex, like when you get wet. Just imagine if your panties getting wet was visible to everyone around you.

[–]Bob66 24 points25 points ago

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Same here except I'm not so sure it's all that innocent. Didn't think anything at first but then there was her hand on my knee and a discreet ass grab on her way out of a restaurant.

[–]Gisbourne 28 points29 points ago

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nah, man. you're just a good friend. A really good friend.

[–]iarewebmaster 6 points7 points ago

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Had my ass grabbed twice by my friends girlfriend, she also at one point gave me permission to stare at her boobs to judge their size and proceeded to "cup" them so I could get a better look at their shape. We are just friends as far as I know. :/

[–]Tron9510 13 points14 points ago

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Don't make that mistake it's not worth it.

[–]JimmyMarshall 5 points6 points ago

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Yeah I got that the other week from a friend's girlfriend too... Though she was quite drunk and hasn't done it again since. I had no idea how to deal with it though... very odd.

[–]Dongface 21 points22 points ago

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I know that feel, bro. My friend's girlfriend is extremely "hands-on" when we've been out drinking—caressing my chest and stroking my wrist. It is not even a little fair.

[–]PoeticEnd 51 points52 points ago

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Caressing someones chest is never completely innocent.

[–]richardsim7 17 points18 points ago

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Exactly, you couldn't caress her chest and get away with it

[–]Drakenking 8 points9 points ago

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Well if the signs are correct he probably could.

[–]ItsOnlyNatural 6 points7 points ago

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What about Tom Selleck?

[–]naked_guy_says 12 points13 points ago

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You don't want to fuck Tom Selleck? I call bullshit

[–]PatAunces 24 points25 points ago

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Yeah, she wants to fuck you dude. That's not normal.

[–]Dongface 25 points26 points ago

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Well, too bad for her I'm a good friend!

And also for me...

[–]Ender9 5 points6 points ago

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I know that feel bro.

[–]LaunchGap 7 points8 points ago

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How can she resist a face like that...

[–]Toof 15 points16 points ago

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My friend's ex was like that. Her hugs would always be with her hips though. Once she gave me a hug goodnight, when she was spending it with my buddy. Both wearing pajama pants, and she essentially squashed my dick against her vulva.

I'm not sure if it was innocent on her part, though...

[–]aterlumen 4 points5 points ago

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Sometimes it's best not to know.

[–]flyinthesoup 6 points7 points ago

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Does she have a latin american background? Being from south america, I know most of us girls are used to touch and give hugs and things like that and nobody thinks twice about them. Guys are used to it and even enjoy it. But once living in the US is hard to restrain yourself from something that's so natural.

[–]qwertyGG 8 points9 points ago

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"DONT HUG ME I HAVE A BONER"

that should take care of it

[–]betterthanthee 7 points8 points ago

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hook up a three way

[–]Cyanide_kcn 22 points23 points ago

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with a hottie in the middle there's some lee-way

[–]shatteredjack 5 points6 points ago

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the area's gray in a 1-2-3 way....

[–]UnlikelyParticipant 4 points5 points ago

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Try it in the backseat on the freeway.

[–]riptaway 2 points3 points ago

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quit being so sap. it's just hugs

[–]Null_zero 2 points3 points ago

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If you act obviously uncomfortable she's probably doing it to fuck with you.

[–]flight07 170 points171 points ago

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You sound like a great friend!

[–]Peaches666 83 points84 points ago*

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Indeed. I'm very much aware of my penis and the places it should never go. I don't feel the need to send abrupt signals to my brain to kill potential boner bubbles.

Unless OP is like 16. Then I guess I can understand.

[–]Seansav 104 points105 points ago

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I wish my ex-friend understood that. Then I wouldn't have an ex-girlfriend

[–]ChiefNugs 130 points131 points ago

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[–][deleted] 45 points46 points ago

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NO TOUCHING!

(Because those guys are touching, if no one gets this.)

[–]TheRedStoner 45 points46 points ago

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don't worry, we get it

[–]Rockerdude34 3 points4 points ago

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I see you everywhere. r/funny, r/earthbound, r/animalcrossing @_@

[–]Dolewhip 8 points9 points ago

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Had the same thing happen to me a few years back. Cut them both out of my life, and now I get to laugh because they are no longer together, they're both poor, and the guy who used to be my friend turned into an emo shell of himself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGXzlRoNtHU&ob=av3e

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I know that feel bro, and it is glorious.

[–]Esperon 3 points4 points ago

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I'm sorry bro... I know that feel.

[–]jamesneysmith 8 points9 points ago

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Sounds like she was destined to leave. Don't entirely blame your ex-friend.

[–]Gisbourne 22 points23 points ago

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Oh, I figured she was destined to leave, but he didn't have to make himself so goddamn available >.>

[–]Stevor1984 2 points3 points ago

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Yeah, no reason to go around stabbing people in the heart, if you're going to leave then be a grownup and freaking do it to their face.

[–]anonamuse 3 points4 points ago

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Nothing says it's over like a good old stab to the face

[–]mxrider108 50 points51 points ago

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If only my (now ex-) best friend and my (now ex-) girlfriend had seen this reddit post.

But seriously.

[–]jsting 55 points56 points ago

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Fuck you Jeff. I'm glad the Internet is anonymous so I can say things like that. Fuck you Jeff.

[–]pyrojeff 11 points12 points ago

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HOW DID YOU KNOW

[–]Cathbar 13 points14 points ago

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OH NO HE DI'NT!

[–]bldkis 1 point2 points ago

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Same thing. Michael you fucking jackass.

[–]djamescensored 10 points11 points ago

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Same thing happened to me, bro. Cheers.

[–]godofallcows 2 points3 points ago

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Checking in.

[–]upsideup 34 points35 points ago

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Here's the thing. You try to tell your brain hey this girl is off limits no chance no romance. Scumbag brain decides that off limits is romantic and the next thing you know you are in love with the girl. It's fucking stupid.

[–]Northumberlo 80 points81 points ago

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My friend's ex would always try to get closer to me, even when he was in the room and it was crazy uncomfortable. We were all laughing at my brother's 2 year old niece and she put her hand on my leg, i was like wtf so moved to the right, then she moved closer to the right. Another time the 3 of us went camping and she slept in the middle and kept trying to sleep closer to me, talk about creepy and a fuck up situation. She ended up cheated on him with a really close friend of their's, and me and another friend caught her in the act so natually we had to tell the poor guy. A few pitcher's of beer in his belly and surround by pretty woman was the best way to tell him.

[–]SecularMantis 95 points96 points ago

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He was surrounded by copies of the movie Pretty Woman?

[–]dsac 58 points59 points ago

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no, just roy orbison in dolby 7.1

[–]joesrevenge 7 points8 points ago

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Or the 2 Live Crew cover.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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I dunno...I'd probably be more reasonable if I got told this news sober.

I would probably go on a drunken rampage otherwise. Still, you guys did the right thing.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I could be wrong but I think he meant they told him, and then afterward took him out for beer and women for consolation.

[–]Cathbar 6 points7 points ago

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and THEN you boned her?

[–]lonjaxson 2 points3 points ago

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That would be breaking the bro code.

[–]GhostRequiem 1 point2 points ago

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my brother's 2 year old niece

So your 2 year old niece?

[–]fauxberrysmoothie 1 point2 points ago

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or, his daughter.

[–]gustogus 8 points9 points ago

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Could be his brother's wife's sibling's daughter. So niece by marriage.

[–]debaser11 1 point2 points ago

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Not necessarily.

[–]Northumberlo 1 point2 points ago

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My mistake, MY niece, his daughter

[–]VorpalWalrus 13 points14 points ago

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This isn't a problem for me, as the only friend's girlfriend who I am attracted to likes to do this scene whenever we're alone. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RjA1bEt7VQ

[–]stevesonaplane 6 points7 points ago

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I feel more at ease around a girl who has a boyfriend, cause i don't have to worry about making an ass out of myself or anything. The fact that there's no chance of anything going on between us calms me down a bit.

[–]GonzafromNowhere 2 points3 points ago

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This.

[–]jusg808 17 points18 points ago

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Wow wish my friends observed this rule. Any girl I go out with seems to end up with one of my friends. Heartbreaking.

[–]sneezybees 74 points75 points ago

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You need to increase your standards in both the women you date and the friends you have.

[–]tsirko 40 points41 points ago

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Seriously change your friends.

[–]defconzero 3 points4 points ago

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Maybe his friends are just awesome.

[–]migvazquez 46 points47 points ago

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or, after you do fuck her: "I've made a huge mistake"

[–]omfgchoclate 17 points18 points ago

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Or when she asks to fuck you just say "Yeah, the guy in the $3600 suit. COME ON!"

[–]sea-saw 12 points13 points ago

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Friend: Ok, that would be disgusting if you'd actually slept with her, but I don't think you did.

You: I did and it was disgusting.

Narrator: They didn't, but it would have been.

[–]jaxspider 4 points5 points ago

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And thats why you leave a note.

[–]modeman 1 point2 points ago

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[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]asshatnowhere 50 points51 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]cuddlyogre 15 points16 points ago

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The easiest way to not kill your friend's baby is to not be in the position where you could drop it or cough too hard and crush it.

[–]MarkTheWanderer 1 point2 points ago

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I'm not to sure how to react to this...

[–]cubicalslave 8 points9 points ago

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Get rid of the Seaward.

[–]ArcticEngineer 9 points10 points ago

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I'll leave when I'm good and ready.

[–]cubicalslave 2 points3 points ago

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Ever notice how at the end they just completely give up on trying to be clever and change the name to "C-Word"?

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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No touching, no eye contact, no gestures.... you know what? When I hang out with my friends girlfriend I wear a fucking BURKA with sunglasses on.

[–]SnallTrippin 10 points11 points ago

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Lol, I had a friend's gf start grinding on me on the dance floor and I was like "Nope" and hip checked her...

[–]epsilonius 7 points8 points ago

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hip checked?

[–]Lord_of_Womba 7 points8 points ago

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As a good friend of her boyfriend its important to make sure she still has both hips and hasn't lost one whilst dancing

[–]Drakenking 6 points7 points ago

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Think hockey

[–]SnallTrippin 1 point2 points ago

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Yeah, I hit her hip with my hip..and I'm a large man...

[–]Iscrollforlinks 3 points4 points ago

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best mental image ever. I need gif of this.

[–]Self-Defenestration 9 points10 points ago

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[–]dirtwalrus 15 points16 points ago

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Should be "When being in a 10 foot vicinity of any girl when with my girlfriend."

Also NOT LOOKING NOT LOOKING

[–]Lunchbox_ 17 points18 points ago

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Works for hot distant relatives as well.

[–]i_toss_salad 1 point2 points ago

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and in-laws too...

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points ago

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Only a bitch worries about touching their friend's girlfriend. If you don't mean anything by it, then what's a hug or a handjob between friends?

[–]bigpapaalex 2 points3 points ago

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I like you

[–]saorsa1126 15 points16 points ago

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Yeah, I've been there, I wanted to hit it but figured nothing good would come from it (besides me, ). I'll never forget when she was asking me to snag a couple of pieces of stray hair that was on her ass, it was an immediate "nope-nope-nope."

[–]StopDescribingMe 39 points40 points ago

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lol what?

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points ago

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Can't say I saw that coming.

[–]onedeviousbastard 1 point2 points ago

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I bet her hands were totally free too.

[–]MrAwesomepants 8 points9 points ago

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My firend is pretty much a complete shut in and his girlfriend is outgoing so whenever i go out to a club/bar i always bring her along. My wife likes her but my wife is just wierd around other women and she doesnt mind us chilling some time, but it makes thing wierd sometimes. i have learned to draw the line when she wants to tlak bad about him cause that puts me in a bad position.

EDIT: he doesnt care either it gives him more uniterupted video game time. plus me-wife-friend-friends girlfriend trust each other

[–]dayna113 1 point2 points ago

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I'm sorry, that just sounds like a recipe for disaster.

[–]too_many_vices 7 points8 points ago

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yea too bad most "friends" dont follow this rule. more like "how can i get away with touching"

[–]uncoiledspaghetti 1 point2 points ago

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seriously.

[–]illRooster 12 points13 points ago

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On the opposite side, my girlfriend is one of those particularly "touchy" people who hugs everyone and is pretty much always a tease. I find it hilarious seeing my friends awkward reactions.

[–]omfgchoclate 49 points50 points ago

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Right up until the moment she fucks one of them...

[–]illRooster 2 points3 points ago

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My friends couldn't get laid if I hired them a prostitute, so I'm def not worried about them.

[–]omfgchoclate 4 points5 points ago

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Guess thats a great way to think of your "friends."

[–]Tron9510 2 points3 points ago

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Well...hopefully if something happens you won't be mad at one of them, no one to blame but yourself at that point.

[–]epsilonius 1 point2 points ago

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gotta shut down that behaviour pronto

[–]pietpiraat 46 points47 points ago

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I don't get it, does your friend tell you not to touch his girlfriend or do you have to restrain yourself from touching her? Either way it's kinda weird.

[–]Edgerunner10 58 points59 points ago

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Or you're telling the girl no touching.

[–]username02 13 points14 points ago

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Bingo.

[–]imighthaveabloodclot 25 points26 points ago

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If you are single and your friend has a hot girl friend, maybe this should be a SAP, but when you are in that situation I imagine the OPs picture would be going through your mind. You just get paranoid/anxious that your friend will think you are trying to get with his girl.

[–]newloaf 2 points3 points ago

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Do you typically engage in inappropriate touching of girls with whom you are not in a relationship?

[–]DrewCDoll 7 points8 points ago

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Is it bad if I say yes?

[–]not0your0nerd 5 points6 points ago

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I used to be one of those "touchy" people are would give hugs and touch peoples arms when I was talking to them. Then I overheard people gossiping about me and saying I was trying to come on to people. So I've had to teach myself not to do it.

Now I don't even think about it and I don't touch anyone. Except when I get back with my family I'm all huggy again, i think I caught it from them. Big families are always yelling and grabbin your arm and kissin your cheek.

[–]Aitioma 2 points3 points ago

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Sharing is caring.

[–]AlMerr 5 points6 points ago

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When we were alone my best friends girlfriend bet me that I couldn't dance, then she started grinding on my leg/dick. I had mixed feelings about that one.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]ThirdFloorGreg 8 points9 points ago

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They should break up =/= you should fuck her.

[–]simperingfool 7 points8 points ago

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I don't get entirely what you're saying here. How are they trapped such that they can't just dump their miserable boyfriend before fucking one of his friends?

It's not "bro-code"; it's just common decency. Did I mis-interpret what you said?

Their may be some "bro-code" stuff w/r/to how long one waits before pursuing a relationship with the ex of a friend, though that's more a respect issue.

Edit: with respect to, markdown turned it into a link.

[–]modeman 3 points4 points ago

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There's no such thing as being trapped, only being a coward

[–]IMAROBOTLOL 3 points4 points ago*

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As someone who's been on both sides of that fence, fuck you. Period.

[–]soldierboi 4 points5 points ago

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Sometimes Reddit makes me feel very old. D:

[–]mindaika 1 point2 points ago

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There's always "money" in the "banana" stand... if you know what I mean.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]YawnSpawner 2 points3 points ago

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So wait, your friend's girlfriend is your ex? Someone didn't follow the rules...

[–]FalconTheory 1 point2 points ago

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Oh god that gif made me lol so hard.

[–]mooj2110 1 point2 points ago

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want to touch the hiney

[–]nepidae 1 point2 points ago

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You won't even hug her goodbye? Though I guess it depends on how good of a friend it is.

[–]Solkre 1 point2 points ago

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My ex-bro didn't follow your advice.

[–]UnknownArchive 1 point2 points ago

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Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
What I always think of whenever I get a pimple... 1com -5pts 22dys funny
When I find out a attractive girl is under 18 171coms 879pts 1mo funny
Classic Pop-Pop 0coms 13pts 2mos gifs
Sitting at the computer knowing that your girlfriend is coming over soon 1com 29pts 4mos funny
How I feel at my girlfriend's house when her parents are home 91coms 760pts 4mos funny

source: karmadecay

[–]mrconfer 1 point2 points ago

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Nice! I just re-watched all of season 1 Sunday. Best show ever!

[–]fernng5 1 point2 points ago

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[–]NastNork 1 point2 points ago

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Is it unusual that my friends girlfriend seems to hug me all the time and stroke my face?

[–]ilikenavyblue 0 points1 point ago

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my friend and his gf are actually very cool about everything. one day during a game of strip poker her bra slipped and i didn't see. he took it down again to show me haha. i didn't play because i was on the verge of passing out drunk.

[–]ziggybiggnutts 0 points1 point ago

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But Tambor is actually just saying "touching" over and over...

[–]killjoy95 0 points1 point ago

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Doesn't the guy in the $7000 suit deserve the girl with the $12000 boob job?

[–]cedricchase 0 points1 point ago

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Yes.. ......yes..

[–]knucklehed 0 points1 point ago

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Upvote for you, somebody's good friend.

[–]Lampmonster1 0 points1 point ago

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What kind of friend doesn't share his girlfriend?

[–]NotAnybody 0 points1 point ago

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emphasis on touching

[–]burnredatdawn 0 points1 point ago

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I got this on my 18th this year...... after i just watched this episode of Arrested Development..... Who cares? None of you? Was it still funny? Fuck Yeah.

[–]Bullngopher 0 points1 point ago

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I swear the guy in the gif keeps getting closer the longer you look at it...

[–]sykoenigma 0 points1 point ago

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Clicked expecting "no touching". Left happy

[–]doctanahar 0 points1 point ago

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ever had your friend's girlfriend make a move on you? yea, neither have I.

[–]zeppelinfromled 0 points1 point ago

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My friend's girlfriend is a very touchy person with everyone. I don't worry about it. Aside from the fact that she'd be way out of my league, he trusts us both. It's not a big deal.

[–]parishilton1212 0 points1 point ago

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I wish my friends were like that...

[–]NeutralAngel 0 points1 point ago

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It's cool, just flex your quads.

[–]procastinator4life 0 points1 point ago

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No touching your friend right?