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top 200 commentsshow all 460

[–]3yrlurker2ndacct 533 points534 points ago

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attempting to Google to 'steens cream pine' with girlfriend

HeppyB: "Wow! I can't believe Google 'thought I meant' that! Some people are so disgusting!!!! Gross!"

Girlfriend: ಠ_ಠ "We need to break up."

[–]Turning_Test_Fail 55 points56 points ago

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So . . . a solution for HeppB would be to use "private browsing" when looking for, er, mundane things?

[–]CollectionOfAssholes 125 points126 points ago

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Or get a cooler girlfriend.

[–]YOMISTERWHITE 33 points34 points ago

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Yo, uhh, we need to, uh, break up. Why? Because I need my teen porn ... BITCH!

[–]clint20040 21 points22 points ago

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Yeah teen porn!!! Yeah Mr White!

[–]KlogereEndGrim 9 points10 points ago

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That's YO Mr. White to you.

[–]clint20040 10 points11 points ago

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Helicopter bitch!

[–]w2tpmf 1 point2 points ago

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My GF loves it. She gets grossed out by porn with older looking women.

[–]refrigeratorbob 6 points7 points ago

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At least 20% cooler.

[–]legendofj 1 point2 points ago

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Or, get a teen girlfriend you can creampie.

Which would be what I would opt for.

[–]betterthanthee 25 points26 points ago

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I don't know if there's a cure for HeppB but I know there's a vaccine

[–]Turning_Test_Fail 19 points20 points ago

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The vaccine is called TwinRix(1), it was invented by Chiron using a revolutionary "reverse vaccinology" approach. The company was then bought by GSK.

While there are no "cures" for Hep B there are some drugs that can lower the virus levels in the body to an undetectable level, and even more effective drugs in the pipeline with fewer side effects.

So if you have Hep B, ask your doctor about options.

Footnote: 1. Here's a easy cheat, if the vaccine ends in the word "Rix" (engerix, havrix, priorix, etc.) it is a GSK product.^

[–]Catseyes77 1 point2 points ago

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hmmmm Twix.... caramel ... choclate ...

[–]Deeterific 8 points9 points ago

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Like purchasing gifts!

That's what everyone else uses it for, right?

[–]lordmycal 2 points3 points ago

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You can actually set your browser to default to private mode as well. I suppose you could actually have two browsers, one for private mode and a default one for everything else.

[–]Holybasil 3 points4 points ago

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That's a lot of work though.

[–]Fadobo 15 points16 points ago

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Some things should only be done in a "Ctrl + Shift + N" Window. Just sayin...

[–]HornyYogaMaster 152 points153 points ago

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Now I'm horny.

[–]Fletch71011 52 points53 points ago

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Does this have anything to do with the thread, or are you just being your usual HornyYogaMaster self?

[–]jfletcherp 27 points28 points ago

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Dad?!

[–]Fletch71011 15 points16 points ago

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Weird, my first name starts with J as well. Junior?

[–][deleted] 30 points31 points ago

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Murder She Wrote was a precursor to Dexter. It's about a seemingly innocent old woman called Jessica Fletcher that goes around murdering people surreptitiously and spends the show finding someone to pin the blame on. Also, she invariably deals with stupid or corrupt law enforcement officials, which is also like Dexter

[–]PCsNBaseball 12 points13 points ago

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wat

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Wherever she goes somebody dies

[–]noahld 2 points3 points ago

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Sounds like a KILLER of a story!

[–]awwluy 9 points10 points ago

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[–]Khiva 4 points5 points ago

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It would be funnier if this was the only thing he ever said in threads.

[–]Deracination 0 points1 point ago

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Did you mean: now in Harry

[–]Trolly_McTrollerson 9 points10 points ago

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YER IN A WIZARD

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

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[–]railroad-redditor 70 points71 points ago

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That's really quite annoying. I'm going to start deleting all Google cookies.

It basically reinforces any biases or preferences I might have by selecting search results for me. What if I want a diverse google experience? I don't want my results catered to my past views, I want them catered to reality.

[–]Solkre 91 points92 points ago

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Then you opt out, it says in the screenshot "Turn off search history personalization." For most Google users, this feature is handy.

[–]railroad-redditor 160 points161 points ago

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You think you're so fancy with your readin' and such.

...

[–]St0neGh0st 123 points124 points ago

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Well, well, well...we got ourselves a reader.

[–][deleted] 56 points57 points ago

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watcha readin for?

[–]Max_Quordlepleen 11 points12 points ago

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Goddamit, you stumped me!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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i love your show.

[–]Spleen_Muncher 1 point2 points ago

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Hey...YOU! COME HER-oh, nevermind.... sorry.

[–]jimbojamesiv 1 point2 points ago

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Bill Hicks is the answer, so he doesn't have to end up as a waitress at a waffle house.

I think it's Bill Hicks.

[–]Max_Quordlepleen 1 point2 points ago

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Ha I know, I was quoting too!

"I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest fuckin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm . . . I dunno . . . I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a fuckin' waffle waitress."

[–]jimbojamesiv 1 point2 points ago

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I sort of figured people knew the joke, but then I didn't recall the full extent of the quote. You stumped me.

It's sad when the living can't match up with the dead, isn't it?

[–]mattador0808 1 point2 points ago

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The devils got eyes... and he uses em for readin'

[–]ayline 10 points11 points ago

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I don't think she's intuitive, Doctor. I think she's a Reader.

[–]TheKostiuk 5 points6 points ago

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I read that in a Splicer's voice. Bioshock ftw

[–]Solkre 8 points9 points ago

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Uhh, look an undocumented worker alien Nascar!

<runs away>

[–]im_only_a_dolphin 9 points10 points ago*

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Good luck with that in March when they turn off the opt-out.

[–]yqx 19 points20 points ago

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You seem to be hinting at what has been called 'online filter bubbles'. Everyone should watch this interesting (and worrying) TED talk on this phenomenon, link.

[–]railroad-redditor 8 points9 points ago

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That's exactly what I was talking about.

I'm pretty sure facebook does this too. It mutes the people I interact with less often, therefore pushing me to interact with them even less. Who thought this was a good idea? It should push people I never interact with to my wall, not the other way around.

[–]Elias2662 1 point2 points ago

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Really? You want to see more of herpderpinas baby pictures? Facebook is the one place where I'm fine with these personalized searches.

[–]AstralTraveller 19 points20 points ago

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[–]edgarvaldes 17 points18 points ago

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Results: Do you mean Duck Creampies?

[–]mriparian 12 points13 points ago

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Funny story about DDG. I just added it as my primary search bar, decided to test it, and completely accidentally typed "introducktion".

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]aaronrenoawesome 1 point2 points ago

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Birds of a feather...

[–]Nasturtium 1 point2 points ago

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I would cry fowl.

[–]SensibleMadness 1 point2 points ago

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I always forget to use DDG instead of google, it never even occurred to me to add it to my search bar. Thanks for giving me the idea.

For Firefox, I used this to add it, for anyone else looking to do that.

[–]promonk 1 point2 points ago

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I'm going to guess you got a site detailing the schedule of the University of Oregon's freshman orientation. Amirite?

[–]dhaft88 4 points5 points ago

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I GOT STICKERS, WHO WANTS SOME DDG STICKERS?

[–]Fenris_uy 8 points9 points ago

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You can always turn on porn incognito mode and search google like that avoiding your previous cookies.

[–]deagle50ae 5 points6 points ago

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Go-Go-Gadget Stealthy Porn Mode!

[–]akatherder 5 points6 points ago

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Turn on incognito mode? I start my browsers in incognito/private mode by default. The assumption is that when I'm on the internet, I'm going to be whackin'.

[–]StrewwelChris 1 point2 points ago

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I agree completely, though even without your personal history, they will cater to your geographical location and anything else they can guess about you (a lot). There is no un-biased Google anymore.

[–]OrangeJuggler 1 point2 points ago

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Get Ghostery and block Google Analytics.

[–]lionheartednyhc 1 point2 points ago

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[–]imthedudeman77 2 points3 points ago

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TIK: The Internet Knows

[–]ColeSloth 4 points5 points ago

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porn aside, it annoys the shit out of me to have google meddle with my search based on past history. Just because I've looked at Modern Warfare before doesn't mean I want anything to do with videogames when I type in "the middle east".

There a way to stop google from leaving a cookie (I'm always signed out) without blocking all of my cookies?

[–]blastedt 1 point2 points ago

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[–]Mikey_B 1 point2 points ago

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Whoa, whoa. Your girlfriend could speak an imgur link? You really should've locked that down.

[–]aptrapani 145 points146 points ago

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To be fair, 9/10 someone isn't searching for furniture but rather, porn.

[–]DaveFishBulb 163 points164 points ago

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Why not both?

[–]aoeu00 26 points27 points ago

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Haha! I swear.. I'm now convinced you can't reach the "END OF THE INTERNETS". There's always something new I haven't seen or heard about..

[–]sacrilegious 25 points26 points ago

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[–]militant 18 points19 points ago

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I haven't seen this in about 5 years. Alright then. Let's hope for 5 more.

[–]Moonsocks 9 points10 points ago

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The fact that he got paid so someone could lick his stump is why I believe it when my mom tells me I can be whatever I want to be.

[–]Sloppy1sts 1 point2 points ago

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The American Dream, right?

[–]baronvonbari 1 point2 points ago

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Nice.

[–]SamIam105 1 point2 points ago

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omg... cannot unsee

[–]godspeed312 1 point2 points ago

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I do not know why I clicked that.

[–]Airdria 1 point2 points ago

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Hey tag this as NSFW man /s

[–]ImSeeingRed 11 points12 points ago

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Honestly, what were you expecting from something named black amputee toilet hardware handjob porn?

[–]Dirty-DjAngo 1 point2 points ago

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I don't know if "amputee..handjob" threw you off, but that combination of words can only mean so much

[–]Tehdew 43 points44 points ago

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Yes! I want to see hot, triple XXX chair-on-chair action!

[–]uipijke 75 points76 points ago

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XXX XXX XXX?

[–]vroomvroomeeert 17 points18 points ago

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[–]Alps09 6 points7 points ago

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no Im an enormous wuss who gets easily offended...please get me out of here

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Well, who doesn't love some nice ass to chair! )--|┬

[–]cookmesome 3 points4 points ago

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I don't know how deep into the internet slums you had to go to get that, but you sir, have given me today's TIL.

[–]dioxholster 1 point2 points ago

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disney.com

[–]supaphly42 5 points6 points ago

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Careful, that's RR34 territory.

[–]yes_thats_right 1 point2 points ago

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my thoughts exactly.. that's twice in two days now!

[–]Warhawk2052 1 point2 points ago

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thats hot

[–]darthrayder 1 point2 points ago

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My eyesss!!! MY EEYYYEESSSSSS!!!!!!

[–]Yavetill 1 point2 points ago

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I... I have the weirdest boner

[–]brbposting 1 point2 points ago

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snuff snuff Zoidberg snuff

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I miss 1996-era internets :(

[–]Unidan 16 points17 points ago

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Even when you're searching for porn, Google assumes you're probably looking for weirder porn.

[–]cheebsmagoo 3 points4 points ago

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Who is searching porn terms on google? It must be amateur hour somewhere.

[–]scriggities 77 points78 points ago

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OP, you know that Google personalizes searches for you based on your search history? Take a look at what happens when I search for 'steens cream pine' link Yeah....

So, would you like to explain yourself?

[–]kc234 4 points5 points ago

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I feel like the personalition is basically a boolean flag 'has searched for porn true/false'

[–]virtualbeggar 6 points7 points ago

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The correct response.

[–]ScruffyPige0n 22 points23 points ago

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The blocked tab is clearly just teen creampie porn. Google was only trying to help your penis!

[–]Manial 17 points18 points ago

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Just giving the people what they want.

[–]PsychoWolf 33 points34 points ago

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Old habits

[–]Wollomorrr 26 points27 points ago

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6th sense

[–]feralrage 24 points25 points ago

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7th heaven?

[–]PrismSC 19 points20 points ago

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super 8?

[–]theslacktastic 20 points21 points ago

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District 9?

[–]fakepancake 19 points20 points ago

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10 Things I Hate About You?

[–]kintu 15 points16 points ago

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Ocean eleven

also 12, 13

[–]4RN8Z 5 points6 points ago

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[–]Vietoris 3 points4 points ago

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[–]Freshens 1 point2 points ago

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[–]AmExpat 8 points9 points ago

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can Spinal Tap be 11?

[–]bleedingoutlaw28 6 points7 points ago

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12 Monkeys?

[–]xtirpation 1 point2 points ago

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Ocean's 11?

[–]Freshens 5 points6 points ago

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...Backdoor Sluts 9?

[–]GeneralWarts 49 points50 points ago

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Die Hard 5.

[–]wrinkled_penis 9 points10 points ago

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what's that?

[–]GeneralWarts 16 points17 points ago

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The working title for Bruce Willis' next movie.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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a wrinkled penis?!?

[–]Praesil 12 points13 points ago

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Maybe google is learning from your past search history.

ಠ_ಠ

[–]leedorham 58 points59 points ago

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Sara Lee desserts actually changed their manufacturing emphasis to produce more cream pies and less fruit pies based on data mining numbers showing what appeared to be a shift in popularity. Edit: Citation

[–]shelf_satisfied 12 points13 points ago

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Oscar Myer has decided to increase the size of their hot dogs by three inches, also based on data mining results.

[–]Charles_Chuckles 37 points38 points ago

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I clicked the back arrow on the screen cap. :/

[–]Monotone_Robot 12 points13 points ago

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Screenshots of UIs have tricked me this way for years. Usually I catch myself clicking the "X" to close a window, or "OK" button to dismiss a dialog. Once I saw a screenshot of an uncaught exception and I tried to launch a debugger. You might think that if I'm using a debugger, I should know better, but no. No.

[–]jeffh4 2 points3 points ago

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So I'm not the only one who feels like an idiot.

Don't know if that's good or bad.

[–]mask2697 5 points6 points ago

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I thought I was the only one!

[–]aoeu00 54 points55 points ago

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I clicked on "teens creampie" ಠ_ಠ

[–]Mr_Ected 10 points11 points ago

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I thought I was the only one!

[–]lessthan_i 5 points6 points ago

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My favorite kind of pie

[–]xyroclast 4 points5 points ago

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I'm skeptical - Tried to reproduce the results, no suggestion came up. (Not to mention, Google shies away from suggesting anything remotely "adult")

[–]tyrone17 5 points6 points ago

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I don't get this suggestion..google must be intelligently using your history

[–]HeppyB[S] 5 points6 points ago

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Woooah, Hello front page! Ok, just to clear a couple of things up:

1) This is screen grab a colleague sent me about 9 months ago, i doubt its based on search history because who looks at porn at work? 2) The blurred tab is his log on name to our admin systems which is his work email address 3) I'm pretty sure the browser is Firefox with some sort of theme on top

[–]a_theist 4 points5 points ago

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Sureeeeeee...

[–]CeRipH 9 points10 points ago

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Google always knows best

[–]Ellie_Roosevelt 4 points5 points ago

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Google is offering you links based on your search history my friend.

[–]Turning_Test_Fail 3 points4 points ago

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Some things should only be kept between yourself and your internet service provider.

[–]large_pro 8 points9 points ago

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Why did they show two tabs but block one? what are they hiding from us?

[–]Bkm72 22 points23 points ago

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"midgets in leotards trying to rape a spider monkey"

[–]NonPermissive 3 points4 points ago

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Probably one of the results.

[–]somesortaorangefruit 3 points4 points ago

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It looks like an email address.

[–]me_mad 81 points82 points ago

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Why is the link purple?

ಠ_ಠ

[–]trollagorn 97 points98 points ago

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it's not?

[–]wrinkled_penis 24 points25 points ago

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reddit exposure

[–]juniSMASH 6 points7 points ago

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on behalf of his defense, i tried clicking the link

[–]rahl404 6 points7 points ago

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Why can't you make this purple?

[–]WouldYouTurnMeOn 9 points10 points ago

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A man does not simply reject an offer of teens creampie.

[–]irish711 1 point2 points ago

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Why isn't the link purple?

ಠ_ಠ

FTFY

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]alphalaz 4 points5 points ago

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The Internet is for porn ♫

[–]serotoninflood 3 points4 points ago

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Nsfl. Next time tag. What kind of sicko wants Steens Cream Pine. Fuck you. switches tab to teens creampie

[–]hamboned 2 points3 points ago

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Let's be honest.....9/10 times that was the search criteria. Eitherway google searches end up with someone getting wood!

[–]My_Boston_Terrier 1 point2 points ago

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[–]burttito 3 points4 points ago

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hmmm anyone else wondering if the first tab that was blurred out is the Teens Creampie??

[–]Korstol 1 point2 points ago

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No doubt in my mind.

[–]Spurnem 2 points3 points ago

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Give it another six months and it will automatically change your search terms to that instead of asking if you wrote it wrong.

[–]ottoman_jerk 2 points3 points ago

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were you looking for one nightstand?

[–]6Sungods 1 point2 points ago

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Chippendales are better, nothing beats a good classic.

[–]smellypooper 1 point2 points ago

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it's funny what Google thinks we mean, sometimes

[–]wrinkled_penis 1 point2 points ago

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i like creampie.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I guess that is better than buying furniture.

[–]Denbert 1 point2 points ago

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Oh yes, I'm feeling lucky, google.

[–]lastabad 1 point2 points ago

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Anybody else not paying attention hit the back button on the image.

[–]Anon1E1Mouse 1 point2 points ago

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you fault for not surfing in incognito mode.

also, ive got my search for tonight. thanks op

[–]dani_rg 1 point2 points ago

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Google Knows you...

[–]griffith12 1 point2 points ago

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yeah, it doesnt work for us because we have never previously googled teen creampie.

[–]Phoequinox 1 point2 points ago

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So am I the only one that doesn't get porn suggestions from Google? It intentionally avoids showing me porn.

[–]miked4o7 3 points4 points ago

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It knows you already have a problem

[–]nBeczkai 1 point2 points ago

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I can't be the only one wondering... were you looking for furniture that goes with your browser skin?

[–]hexguns 1 point2 points ago

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Funny when I search for "Steens Cream Pine" I get "Steens" Cream Pine", it doesn't suggest anything, what have you been searching for in the past?

[–]motorwerkx 1 point2 points ago

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If I was trying to look up 'teens cream pie', and google tried to suggest 'steens cream pine' I'd be pissed

[–]endrbn 1 point2 points ago

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I I was trying to look up 'steens cream pine', and google tried to suggest 'teens scream pie' I'd be pissed

[–]Johnnie_Ganem 1 point2 points ago

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Last week I searched Spotify for "Auteur Jazz," and it suggested I search instead for "amateur jizz."

[–]Asmodiar_ 1 point2 points ago

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They do that based off your search history Ծ_Ծ

[–]soulsatzero 1 point2 points ago

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You use internet explorer, is it 1994 or something?

[–]vellyboo 1 point2 points ago

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99% of the time, Google would have been right on that one. lulz

[–]74penises 1 point2 points ago

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i like boston creampies

[–]jibber_66 1 point2 points ago

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"Well I was going to look for furniture but if you insist Google."

[–]dankk420 1 point2 points ago

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Fake.

[–]qpfox 5 points6 points ago

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And TIL what a teen creampie is.

[–]BetterDaysAhead 1 point2 points ago

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Lots of protein and salt.

[–]DunmoreThroop 3 points4 points ago

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The best part of this is that the teen link is purple.

[–]trollagorn 16 points17 points ago

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I feel like im the only colour seeing person here. the link is not purple.

[–]maddietheasshole 1 point2 points ago

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I swear, it looks so purple to me. and a lot of other people. i think half of us, are color blind.

[–]twelfthmillion 1 point2 points ago

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No, it can't be.. is that... INTERNET EXPLORER??

[–]xephox 7 points8 points ago

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Isnt it firefox (3.0?) themed similar to IE (vomits)?

[–]zagman76 10 points11 points ago

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That's the default theme of FF 3.x, perhaps there is a skin applied for the gradient. It looks nothing like IE7, IE8, or IE9.

[–]facemelt 2 points3 points ago

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whew!

[–]subqtaneous 1 point2 points ago

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Of course, with Google's new privacy policy, all your searches will return results like this.

[–]IHOPness 1 point2 points ago

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What would a teen's creampie even look like? I'm at work so I will not search it.

[–]LordOfGummies 12 points13 points ago

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You want to know what semen in a 18 year old vagina looks like?

[–]ohnoimrunningoutofsp 3 points4 points ago

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GoodGuyGoogle. Sees you've searching for furniture.

Offers porn.

[–]My_Boston_Terrier 1 point2 points ago

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I dont want him following me around Ikea.

[–]skoosa 0 points1 point ago

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FAKE

[–]johnnyquest88 0 points1 point ago

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That is some naughty, filthy furniture there.

[–]Leonof 0 points1 point ago

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clicked the link.. "hmm that nice" spent next 10 seconds hitting wrong back button

[–]iroofiegirls 0 points1 point ago

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your problem here is your web browser

[–]thesomedude777 0 points1 point ago

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Bedroom furniture world?? God. People these days....

[–]acemnorsuvwxz 0 points1 point ago

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Yahoo search sometimes automatically includes related searches in with results.

[–]trollagorn 0 points1 point ago

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this doesn't work?