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top 200 commentsshow all 386

[–]dell90wattac 586 points587 points ago

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Oh dear God, I'm laughing so hard.

[–]ElysiumTan[S] 431 points432 points ago

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That's mostly because you are a terrible person

[–]Cakelord 195 points196 points ago

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Then I am a terrible person too

[–]mask2697 128 points129 points ago

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I officially name us all honorary terrrible person club members

[–]Sir_Terrible 91 points92 points ago

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Can I join?

[–]Theubermedic 156 points157 points ago

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No.

[–]Notanexpertinthis 84 points85 points ago

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That's terrible, Theubermedic!

[–]TheInternetHivemind 104 points105 points ago

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He's in.

[–]I_RAPE_PEOPLE_II 7 points8 points ago

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Is there some type of leader who represents our values and interests?

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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Should probably be someone that commits terrible crimes with no remorse. Like, say, rape for instance.

[–]technojamin 13 points14 points ago

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Just doing his part.

[–]thisisntlemonade 9 points10 points ago

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Anyone else read this in Charles Barkley's (a-la Frank Caliendo) voice? That's turrible. Turrible turrible turrible. You're a turrible knucklehead.

[–]mrlint 8 points9 points ago

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Not letting someone join? Thats meta-terrible.

[–]rtilde 24 points25 points ago

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Member #5 reporting in.

[–]DoctorPringles 25 points26 points ago

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Eagle Six, standing by.

[–]Ubernuck 39 points40 points ago

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Red leader, standing by.

[–]dickbuttcity 20 points21 points ago

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Lock S-foils in attack position

[–]redbaron41 22 points23 points ago

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Do a barrel roll!!!!

[–]AchMeinGott 1 point2 points ago

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YOU'LL NEVER DEFEAT AAAANNNDRRROOOOSSSS.

[–]themayer 3 points4 points ago

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themayer, reporting.

[–]AlmostIrrelevant 4 points5 points ago

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It's mayors niiiiiight

[–]ccmotels 4 points5 points ago

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It came from behind.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]JasonCole 2 points3 points ago

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Stay on Target

[–]mafia_a4l 1 point2 points ago

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Pea nice standing by!

[–]NightHawk929 16 points17 points ago

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Red October shtanding by

[–]-xCaMRocKx- 8 points9 points ago

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REDD FOXX STANDING BY!

[–]Arandomu 5 points6 points ago

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Simply Red, standing by.

[–]empireofnyy 3 points4 points ago

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Big Red, standing by.

[–]Graylend 18 points19 points ago

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Foxtrot 3, standing by.

[–]Mahagna 21 points22 points ago

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Are you there Porkins?

[–]synthiis 10 points11 points ago

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groink

[–]sciencefor 21 points22 points ago

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Uhh.. Zulu Two coming in, over.

[–]Pyro627 8 points9 points ago

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627 here. Hope I'm not early again...

[–]Vexing 6 points7 points ago

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Gold leader, standing by.

[–]okaythenmate 9 points10 points ago

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Gold Leader: Stay on target.

Red 3: I can't shake him.

Gold Leader: Stay on target.

Red 3: AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhh pew pew

[–]DownvoteAllTheWorld 1 point2 points ago

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Turquoise leader standing by

[–]ultrafetzig 4 points5 points ago

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2 liter canada dry

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Hello, this is dog

[–]Neebat 5 points6 points ago

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I'd like to apply. Is this enough qualification?

[–]derptyherp 4 points5 points ago

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Oh dear lord what the fuck even just happened

[–]Herborist 1 point2 points ago

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Whoa whoa whoa, I just spoke with Tim, the president of the TPC, and he said he's never heard of you.

[–]nvrwastetree 26 points27 points ago

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I read that in GLaDOS voice..."thats what it says right here....you are a terrible person."

[–]GeneralFailure0 9 points10 points ago

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We weren't even testing for that!

[–]cuppincayk 2 points3 points ago

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"Did well. Enough."

[–]benderunit9000 4 points5 points ago

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and adopted.

[–]aegicat 2 points3 points ago

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And we weren't even testing for that.

[–]sashanation 16 points17 points ago

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yeah i lost it at burlap bag FILLED WITH LEAVES

[–]sleeplessone 26 points27 points ago

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I did pretty well, I made it to the 3rd base comment before I lost it.

[–]IAmGoingToFuckThat 3 points4 points ago

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'right now I can only be third base'. :D

[–]Kinch_ 1 point2 points ago

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So right. This is the first time I've cried laughing in a long time.

[–]Tonka_Tuff 73 points74 points ago

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I played against him. He sucked at TF2.

[–]moxiedrinker82 59 points60 points ago

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I would think TF2 would be ideal for him, given that hats are about all he can wear.

[–]Catalyst6 32 points33 points ago

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He was an awesome Engineer, though.

ting. ting. ting. ting. ting. ting. ting.

[–]bill_nydus 2 points3 points ago

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GOTTA SOMETHING WITH MY GEAR

DAG NABBIT WHAT AM I DOING AGAIN

[–]thaelton 340 points341 points ago

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"Right now, I can only be third base."

Fucking lol'd

[–]iDontSayFunnyThings 31 points32 points ago

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Further than most Redditors have gotten in the last week.

[–]LoveNectar 42 points43 points ago

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Is third base a hand job? Because I totally got one of those. It was from me but it's still technically a hand job.

[–]IrrelevantPuns 14 points15 points ago

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French, Feel, Finger, Fuck.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Surely it should be French, Finger, Suck, Fuck?

'Feel' isn't really a base is it?

[–]mightyraiders 3 points4 points ago

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I had it together until I read that

[–]moxiedrinker82 1 point2 points ago

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Well aren't you the sexual entrepreneur

[–]SevenandForty 1 point2 points ago

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Wait, wouldn't that be a prostitute?

[–]moxiedrinker82 1 point2 points ago

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I was thinking more along the lines of someone that is their own boss, works for their own self.

[–]centurijon 27 points28 points ago

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That is exactly where I lost it.

[–]mszegedy 4 points5 points ago

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I found this hilarious, but I'm not sure exactly why it's funny; does that mean his team only ever hits fly balls???

[–]IrrelevantPuns 26 points27 points ago

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He's literally the base. Like the thing you step on. :D

[–]mszegedy 20 points21 points ago

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OH MY GOD I AM CHOKING TO DEATH

[–]IrrelevantPuns 20 points21 points ago

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Holy shit. I'm a trained Wilderness First Responder. Are you minutes from Houston, Texas?

Listen, do you have anybody else in the house? if so, make the international choking symbol (Hands over throat) at them, and hopefully they will try to do the Heimlich. If you're alone, tell me IMMEDIATELY.

[–]mszegedy 2 points3 points ago

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I can get behind this novelty account.

And no, I live 12 hours away by plane from you. :(

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Seriously hahaha. That killed me. Then the kitty burying its turds. Goddamn.

[–]ROBOT-DINOSAUR-NINJA 3 points4 points ago

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That's where I lost it too.

[–]hammer7280 117 points118 points ago

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Billy's cat finally tore his head off, RIP Billy.

[–]fluxus 98 points99 points ago

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NSFL DUDE WHAT THE FUCK

[–]nazzurro 20 points21 points ago

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BILLLLLLY! Nooooooooooooooooo! Hey! Mulch.

[–][deleted] 41 points42 points ago*

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[–]ShallowBasketcase 13 points14 points ago

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Repost this if you are a beautiful strong black snakemouth who don't need no man.

Good lord, I'm laughing so hard right now!

[–]Murrabbit 8 points9 points ago

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"and with a snake it my mouth"

Wat?

[–]Kaith 7 points8 points ago

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The OP's message is old, that's just Billy's old prosthetic body. He got a donation of a healthy young woman's body from an anonymous source in the East.

I think he does voiceovers now.

[–]Geirkrak 198 points199 points ago

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I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury it's turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

I lost my shit.

[–]moof77 139 points140 points ago

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No, the cat did.

[–]jelly_cake 58 points59 points ago

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Nope, found it again, it was in the burlap bag.

[–]DigitalCroissant 10 points11 points ago

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Looks like someone...

glasses

Let the cat out of the bag.

[–]Pacmantis 7 points8 points ago

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I found that part weirdly depressing.

[–]Lone_Wolf 72 points73 points ago

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I saw this years ago as an email forward.

It's always been one of my all-time favorites.

[–]ZorMonkey 67 points68 points ago

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And people believed it enough that it got a page on Snopes. Really?

[–]Lone_Wolf 36 points37 points ago

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You have got to be kidding. How could anyone be that dumb?

[–]dalgeek 29 points30 points ago

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Have you actually read snopes.com or darwinawards.com? Sometimes I wonder how the human race has survived this long .. then I realize that the small percentage that are exceptionally stupid make the biggest news. Much like congress lately.

[–]HungryMoblin 2 points3 points ago

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Sometimes I wonder how the human race has survived this long

I get so sick of hearing this. Then you followed it up with

then I realize that the small percentage that are exceptionally stupid make the biggest news.

this and made my day.

[–]Sarcastic_Samurai 9 points10 points ago

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I was just on Snopes yesterday. A lot of the things that are on there are stupid but this takes the cake.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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jenna

[–]Sikleflaming 6 points7 points ago

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You have no idea how incredibly much this comment confuses me.

[–]codycshell 7 points8 points ago

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Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

[–]pikmin 2 points3 points ago

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CHRISTIANS 1 ATHEISTS 0

[–]Hal_Nein_Thousand 2 points3 points ago

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You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve been further even more decided to use even go need to do look more as anyone can. Can you really be far even as decided half as much to use go wish for that? My guess is that when one really been far even as decided once to use even go want, it is then that he has really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like. It’s just common sense.

[–]who_what_where 0 points1 point ago

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Yep. As old as the internet, but still great.

[–]Murrabbit 24 points25 points ago

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I hope he's got Deus Ex Human revolution on his profile. Little billy needs to look into the mirror every day and say "I never asked for this."

[–]Sarif_Industries 5 points6 points ago

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Heeyyyy Adam c'mon, you gatta admit we did give you pretty cool looking arms and stuff!

[–]Murrabbit 1 point2 points ago

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Haha I heard David Sarif's voice in my head. Good show. Dude always sounded more like total-bro who's dad hooked him up with a job at his dealership than some slick rags-to-riches self made businessman.

[–]bill_nydus 1 point2 points ago

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I read the entire thing. All I could think was "What a shame."

[–]crankybadger 1 point2 points ago

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Now you know what level -100 augments look like.

[–]DarkJokernj 47 points48 points ago

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Wait....we can replace the human body with a burlap bag full of leaves but we can't find the cure for AIDs?

[–]Clowncopter 54 points55 points ago

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That is the cure for AIDS.

[–]bill_nydus 9 points10 points ago

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mind blown. Brb making a TIL post.

[–]Dat_Karmavore 2 points3 points ago

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NO YOU'RE NOT I CHECKED YOUR NEWS FEED AND YOU'RE NOT

[–]bill_nydus 1 point2 points ago

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YOU BRAND ME A LIAR?!

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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This is legitimately one of the funniest things that I have ever read.

[–]BattleHamster 124 points125 points ago

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I almost believed this, but figured out it was a joke when it said that the Pope is going to give away money.

Oh, you silly internet.

[–]xxkillinzombiexx 31 points32 points ago

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its obviously photoshopped. Why not just take thier kid and put him in a brown sack how hard is it?

[–]26piece 78 points79 points ago

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ARE YOU SAYING THIS ISN'T REAL???

[–]lechonga 31 points32 points ago

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DON'T TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS!

[–]ElysiumTan[S] 29 points30 points ago

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Or someone else's kid. A stranger's kid.

[–]onezealot 12 points13 points ago

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^ Do I need to call the police?

[–]vivvav 17 points18 points ago

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It's Reddit, so probably.

[–]dedem13 7 points8 points ago

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LIES! Everything on the Internet is real, everyone knows that!

[–]Mother_Puncher 5 points6 points ago

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Why did i read this in Cartman's voice?

[–]jmcstar 10 points11 points ago

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I went with a poor english boy

[–]beliefinprogress 16 points17 points ago

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This is a masterpiece of absurdist writing. Well done anonymous author with a fitting nom-de-plume as you have truly brought smiles to my face.

[–]jmcstar 10 points11 points ago

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I simple "LOL" would have sufficed, Lord Pompador.

[–]facecloud 3 points4 points ago

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ಸ_ಸ

[–]Azarjan 8 points9 points ago

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I feel like a hipster seeing this on /v/ a few hours ago.

[–]comrade-stalin 8 points9 points ago

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Few hours? Try a few months.

[–]blessmehaxima 12 points13 points ago

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Few months? Try a few years.

[–]anakil 4 points5 points ago

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Few years? Try a few decades.

[–]Shup 26 points27 points ago

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Few decades? Go fuck yourself.

[–]AltReality 6 points7 points ago

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The moral of the story... Quit while you're a head.

[–]moof77 22 points23 points ago

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So brave.

[–]Fappymeal 0 points1 point ago

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SO OLD.

[–]crankybadger 3 points4 points ago

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Get a room you two.

[–]teakwood54 2 points3 points ago

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Can someone format this into a facebook esq post? I would love to share Billy's amazing story with all of my friends but lack the creativity to make it semi-convincing.

[–]interkin3tic 2 points3 points ago

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Judging by my teammates in TF2, there are some kids on steam who have regular bodies and heads made of burlap sacks.

[–]YellowSpick 12 points13 points ago

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My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. It's a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance.

I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said no one hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy" and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help my if you post this message everywhere you can. Dr. Johansen said that every time this message is posted, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better.

Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.

I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You, Billy "Smiles" Evans

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Thank god someone here knows how to pander to the lazy crowd.

[–]jpw1510 66 points67 points ago

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lik dis if you cry evrytime

[–]KoreanTerran 48 points49 points ago

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Are we still posting this out of irony or because redditors are fucking dumb?

[–]asoap 20 points21 points ago

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Agreed. It's run it's course. The horse is dead reddit! It's dead! You can stop beating it now!

Why won't you stop!? Is this how you get your jollies reddit? By mutilating a horse corpse!?

[–]Ellebogen 22 points23 points ago

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Have you actually been on Reddit at all? Because that's all it is. It's a bunch of foreveralones circlejerking and beating a dead horse.

If shit like this annoys you, I don't know how you manage to be on this site without ripping your eyeballs out of their sockets and using them for taxidermy.

[–]Ovaldo 6 points7 points ago

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Someone call Chuck Testa!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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And invite him over for 2am Chili!

[–]asoap 3 points4 points ago

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How would I use my eyes for taxidermy without eyes!? Like, I'm good with my hands, not that good though.

I was mostly being sarcastic. But the quality of reddit is going down hill. It's very much turning into what digg turned into in regards to comments.

[–]Ellebogen 7 points8 points ago

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MAGIC. I dunno, man. I saw it on Criminal Minds, so it must be true!

Everyone thinks this, even if the quality of the site isn't changing at all. It's just like the generation gap--except it's a gap of a few months rather than decades. Everyone wants to have a "WELL, BACK IN MY DAY, SONNY.." story. It's just a natural occurrence. Shit changes.

[–]asoap 4 points5 points ago

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I dunno. I said the same thing about digg. People made the same excuse that I was just being a grumpy old person that should accept change. Look at what happened to digg, I was right.

[–]Ellebogen 4 points5 points ago

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That's your opinion. Those just joining Digg now think it's just fine.

I'm not saying that you're wrong (in fact, you're probably quite right)--I'm just saying that this happens to the best of us and that there's nothing that can be done about it, save not going on a certain website.

[–]asoap 1 point2 points ago

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Fair enough.

[–]Ontoue 1 point2 points ago

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At first I was offended by your comment, and then I realized that there wasn't anything in it that was wrong.

[–]Fappymeal 1 point2 points ago

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Please don't mention taxidermy. We'd just gotten past the fucking Chuck Testa meme, I'd hoped.

[–]bobcat 1 point2 points ago

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NOPE!

[–]GreyouTT 1 point2 points ago

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It won't stop until the horse is glue.

[–]Parnass 1 point2 points ago

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HE DED!

[–]JabbrWockey 2 points3 points ago

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Just... stop.

[–]Skvid 1 point2 points ago

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I ctrl+f "lik" expecting to see this here. Upvote.

[–]DoubleStuffedCheezIt 3 points4 points ago

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Well at least he's gotten to third base.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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He got to touch the sack

[–]OnTheBorderOfReality 1 point2 points ago

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It doesn't hurt, except for when I try to breathe.

[–]purvimatrix 1 point2 points ago

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I know dat feel.

[–]bbooth76 1 point2 points ago

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I fucking pissed in my pants.

[–]disneyfreaksXIII 1 point2 points ago

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seems legit

[–]CopaceticZ 1 point2 points ago

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This is like so offensive to people who were born without bodies. I'm offended.

[–]Atario 1 point2 points ago

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Ctrl+F "Lil' Brudder"

I am disappoint. :(

[–]ShallowBasketcase 1 point2 points ago

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I hope he has TF2 on his profile. He can still wear hats with only a head!

[–]Kinglink 1 point2 points ago

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Seriously WTF?

Why doesn't he get some other material to cover his body with? Burlap apparently it is an allergy of his mom's so why not get some better material.

[–]ForgettableUsername 1 point2 points ago

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[–]DarthPlagiarist 1 point2 points ago

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False. Due to Tuvalu's socialised medicine, the fact he received only a burlap sack was not a result of his insurance status. Rather, we must assume all Tuvaluan bodiless children are offered only the burlap sack.

[–]SevTreDuece 6 points7 points ago

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Right now i can only be third base

[–]bill_nydus 13 points14 points ago

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Woops, the picture is leaking into the comments. Better wrench this one shut before it gets any worse.

[–]Herborist 1 point2 points ago

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Hold on, hold on, hold on. You're trying to pull a fast one on me, but I see right through your plans.

NASA isn't real. Nice try, though.

[–]Ghundra 1 point2 points ago

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He must win every potate-sack race ever.

[–]jmcstar 1 point2 points ago

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what is a potate? You guys running short on syllables in "Ghundra-ville"?

[–]elperroborrachotoo 1 point2 points ago

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Tomate, Potate.

[–]I_call_it_dookie 0 points1 point ago

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WHY THE FUCK DO SO MANY PEOPLE UPLOAD IMAGE FILES SO LARGE THAT I HAVE TO SCROLL MY GOD DAMNED MOUSE LIKE I WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ON GOOGLE EARTH? I'M ON THE INTERNET, I'M LAZY, DON'T MAKE ME SCROLL BACK AND FORTH LIKE I'M READING THE TORAH OR SOME BULLSHIT.

Sorry for computer yelling. It's been a long day.

[–]LandMooseReject 7 points8 points ago

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680 X 540? Are you using a Gameboy?

[–]QuidQuo 1 point2 points ago

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Hardest I've laughed in weeks. If anyone's curious (I was), a Gameboy's screen is apparently 160 × 144.

[–]havox07 3 points4 points ago

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Try having a monitor that is at least 15" as well as Reddit Enhancement Suite (I would give you a link but I'm lazy, and most people know how to google)

[–]metatron207 14 points15 points ago

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Did you say something about Reddit Enhancement Suite? You know that Reddit Enhancement Suite comes with a button to promote Reddit Enhancement Suite, so that you can give someone a link to Reddit Enhancement Suite even if you're lazy. Reddit Enhancement Suite.

[–]moxiedrinker82 7 points8 points ago

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The first rule of Reddit Enhancement Suite is...you talk about Reddit Enhancement Suite as much as you possibly can!

[–]forkis 1 point2 points ago

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This fucking Bravery. I've got tears in my eyes.

[–]Mackinstyle 1 point2 points ago

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Lost it at third base.

[–]thesovietonion 2 points3 points ago

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Lost your virginity?

[–]thebraus 0 points1 point ago

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haha, had to repost to facespace....

[–]OpticalReality 0 points1 point ago

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Haven't laughed so hard in a lonnnggg time hahahaha.

[–]salemblack 0 points1 point ago

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I currently have three bruised ribs. The part about being third base made me laugh so hard I was actually in worse pain. Somehow this felt right.

[–]Play3r_ftw 0 points1 point ago

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In the time it took me to read that, the post had received 200 more upvotes.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I have never laughed at this kinds of posts before. I found it hilarious.

[–]Srezic 0 points1 point ago

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Thanks for the Chinatown reference Billy!

[–]neverender 0 points1 point ago

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That Bill Gates Will is a pretty decent guy.

[–]Lesentic 0 points1 point ago

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I am upset because I have no one to show this to, my friends don't appreciate things like this.

[–]BootstrapBuckaroo 0 points1 point ago

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Hot coffee squirting through sinus, it burns, I laugh, IT BURNS!

[–]tme001 0 points1 point ago

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Fucking hilarious, but it has nothing to do with gaming.

[–]afjamg88 0 points1 point ago

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[–]6DemonBag 0 points1 point ago

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I was sure this was Andy Anderson and J.D. had just rolled him of the diving board into the swimming hole.

[–]mynamepickle 0 points1 point ago

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upvote dis if u cry every time

[–]GHNASHER 0 points1 point ago

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i guess i could get you some matches or lighters for that bag of yours billy

[–]AKBiking 0 points1 point ago

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This was very funny.

[–]bolt_krank 0 points1 point ago

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Can't wait to see this doing the rounds on FB.

[–]MiroslavPetrov 0 points1 point ago

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How does a Tuvaluan afford a burlap sack body?

[–]Planet-man 0 points1 point ago

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Tragically six months from now Billy will have a completed body, but will inexplicably have been given a pair of scissor-hands.

[–]s1500 0 points1 point ago

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Of all the urban legends over the years, this one is my favorite. And now he has a picture.

[–]WhatTheFlux1 0 points1 point ago

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Oh my gosh I'm crying. Owwww my sides. I'd be okay dying from laughing this hard.