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top 200 commentsshow all 299

[–]austex_mike 244 points245 points ago

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Speaking of eating contests I have a true story, and a valuable life lesson for anyone who reads my story.

Back in college the Latino Students Association was giving away a free TV if you won a jalapeno eating contest. There is literally nothing too hot for me to eat, so I thought it would be an easy win for me. I sit at the table, the contest starts and I start going at it. I am blowing away everyone around me, it was not problem. We had a minute, I was at 16, and feeling confident. I could have had more, but I was so far ahead anyone around me I just slowed down the last 10 seconds. When the contest stopped I was ready for my prize. They started counting all of our jalapeno stems. Little did I know that at the far end of the table where I couldn't see two guys had eaten 17, I had lost by one jalapeno.

So here is the important life lesson, read it carefully: When you enter a jalapeno eating contest you play to win, because if you come in second place all you have to show for it is a burning asshole and a whole lot of regret.

The two guys who ate more than me had to have a tie breaking eat off. Somewhere out there the loser has learned this life lesson even better than myself.

[–]randomb0y 40 points41 points ago

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I think that most people don't quite get it when it comes to spicy food, especially the burning asshole part. You enjoy a burning mouth, so why don't you enjoy the burning asshole just as much? This is not real burning after all and will leave no lasting harm. It will just spike your adrenaline and endorphine levels, which is why we eat spicy in the first place.

[–]nlk22 80 points81 points ago

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... the burning asshole doesn't taste good in addition to burning.

[–]simplicio 25 points26 points ago*

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So says you

Edit: My stomach didn't agree with my attempt at humor and decided to force partially digested food out of my primary face-hole

[–]Legollama 2 points3 points ago

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My stomach seemed to agree with you, and so inflicted upon me a similar scenario in solidarity.

[–]PostalPenguin 2 points3 points ago

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I have eaten a lot of spicy food stuff that feels like my mouth is on fire and makes sweat pour from my face. Yet no matter how much I eat(even a few bowls of chili that made me sweat through my clothes) I have never, never had a problem with it coming out the other end not even a tingle.

[–]randomb0y 2 points3 points ago

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To me it seems to be a matter of consistency and timing. That is, if my poop is normal or hard, there's not much sting. If it's anything ranging from soft to liquid/explosive shits (I take my chances with cheap street food and I travel a lot), then it can sting quite a bit. So I guess it depends on how long it takes for it to travel and how much the moisture helps maximize anal contact.

[–]vagitarian_ 0 points1 point ago

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ass piss

[–]danteferno 2 points3 points ago

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I have no sources to support this: The sweating that comes with spicy food will help you keep cool, that's why spicy food is very popular in hot places.

[–]randomb0y 0 points1 point ago

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That kinda makes sense actually.

[–]genericsn 7 points8 points ago

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People don't eat spicy foods for the thrill, they do it for the taste. I mean sometimes they do, but they aren't really enjoying it. I love ghost pepper sauce for the taste, not for the adrenaline rush. It makes me sweat like crazy, but the taste is sooooo good. Even then though, I try to portion it so my asshole doesn't burn.

[–]tobold 12 points13 points ago

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I always assumed they do it so they can call everyone else a pussy...

[–]mistermog 5 points6 points ago

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This.

My uncle eats raw habaneros and looks at me like I'm missing a testicle.

We're Irish. It doesn't even compute for me.

[–]Trip_McNeely 4 points5 points ago

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My uncle did the same to me. Except it was horseradish. He said only a pussy wouldn't eat the whole jar. I did. I hated myself for it, so much pain...
He died a year later when "a pussy ass train refused to move off the tracks for him."

[–]mistermog 4 points5 points ago

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I can be fairly beligerent, but its never occures to me to call a train a "pussy."

"Track-humping smokefucker," sure. Obviously.

But not "pussy."

[–]Trip_McNeely 2 points3 points ago

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Ok well to be fair it was Amtrak.

[–]Saint947 1 point2 points ago

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Stand 3 feet away from a train as it blows past, it literally shakes your lungs and heart in your chest-- there is nothing pussy about a train! Shit will fuck you up with no remorse.

[–]mistermog 2 points3 points ago

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Have you asked the train how it feels? Maybe, just maybe, deep down inside, it feels remorse.

I've long felt that trains are like Vulcans. They hold their emotions deep within but in many ways feel them more strongly than humans.

[–]Saint947 0 points1 point ago

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I don't ever want to trip acid with you man, and I mean that in the nicest way possible!

[–]genericsn 5 points6 points ago

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Just one of the perks.

[–]randomb0y 2 points3 points ago

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You are enjoying the taste because of the adrenaline. It's the same reason why pain freaks exist, pain leads to an adrenaline rush, which leads to an increase in dopamine levels, which is a neurotransmitter linked to our reward pathways. I'm not saying that spicy food can't be very tasty - but capsaicin itself is tasteless.

[–]genericsn 7 points8 points ago*

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Capsaicin is tastless, but the flavors that come with each type of pepper is unique to the pepper. I've tried different sauces and peppers with different capsaicin levels and they've led to different levels of enjoyment. It's really just the taste. The burn/feel of it adds to the taste. Kind of like how texture compliments foods.

Also that thing about pain freaks is kind of moot when you consider people who can eat the spiciest foods with no pain yet still enjoy it and even prefer it over less spicy foods. I'm sure Indians, Thai, and other spicy food lovers are not nations of masochists. Just saying.

Edit: Also, "freaks?" Really? Couldn't you just say masochists? Or something that sounds less vindictive?

EDIT 2: I'm not denying there are not people who eat it for the thrill of the pain, but just like how there are people who enjoy sex that comes with pain, those people do not make up the majority.

[–]asokoloski 1 point2 points ago

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Actually, the endorphin spike gets lower as you get used to the heat. You have to eat spicier food to get the same high, which could be another explanation for why people choose spicier food once they're used to it.

[–]genericsn 2 points3 points ago

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I choose to move to spicier foods because I know I can handle it and am curious about the taste. It's really not a high at all. Are all these comments about the "chili high" from people who can't handle really spicy foods? If that's the case, then there's no way they can understand what it's like to eat really spicy foods outside of pain.

[–]FlippyWippy 2 points3 points ago

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DW its the same as people who are anti-drink claiming that they know why everyone drinks and that they dont really enjoy the drink they are just doing it to act cool or some other shit they can come up with to make them selfes feel better.

[–]ItsTuesdaySally 7 points8 points ago

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and will leave no lasting harm

Actually, while jalapenos are probably mid enough, you can permanently damage your digestive system and skin if you consume too much food that's too spicy.

[–]randomb0y 17 points18 points ago

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Citation? The only negative reference I found puts it on par with aspirin - and given how the amounts of capsaicin contained in even the spiciest foods are extremely small, that's really not a lot of harm. Some studies show beneficial effects to the digestive tract too.

[–]Volsunga 0 points1 point ago

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umm.. no. It's an irritant, but it cannot do actual damage. It's actually beneficial for some of your gut bacteria.

[–]slumberlust 0 points1 point ago

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Would you like tastebuds in your asshole?

[–]Tommstein 3 points4 points ago

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Skipped straight to the big bold letters. Was worth the upvote.

[–]HouseDragon 1 point2 points ago

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You play, to win, the game.

[–]Disgruntor 0 points1 point ago

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fuck you.

[–]Mrlala2 1 point2 points ago

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i don't get it, i've always eaten spicy food, never goten a burning asshole. How does it feel?

[–]Fucko_The_Clown 1 point2 points ago

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TL;DR: Moral, don't eat spicy food unless you're prepared to fire the brown laser.

[–]crazygringo 0 points1 point ago

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I love spicy food and have never had a burning asshole, not even the tiniest bit. And I'm talking really spicy food.

I always thought it was a joke, not something real. Do other people actually have this? What does it actually feel like?

[–]vagitarian_ 2 points3 points ago

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yes people actually have this.. and it feels like you are shitting fiery razorblades coated in salt. Its fucking depressing to be sitting on the toilet pissing shit out of your ass with tears running down your face. Then after you are done the pain doesnt stop for a little while so you still have to penguin walk around because your asshole is raw. My dad always says something about how he's gonna have to shit in a running river after he eats really spicy food.

[–]Frenchy-LaFleur 0 points1 point ago

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Please direct me to these competitions. I have been working my way up the scoville scale to endure the hottest of hots. I can now withstand a Ghost Chili, so, Jalapenos are almost a must on *all foods as they feel like water now.

[–]vagitarian_ 2 points3 points ago

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jalapenos are solid and water is liquid.

[–]danteferno 0 points1 point ago

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not true, you also got a decent amount of reddit karma for it. Life works in mysterious ways.

[–]gwaipor -1 points0 points ago

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burn looks like bum on the iPhone.

[–]SOLUNAR 110 points111 points ago

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I have yet to see a free one :(

[–]dfinch 464 points465 points ago

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What? They can vote now, you know.

[–]THANE_OF_ANN_ARBOR 75 points76 points ago

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Oh you.

[–]itssheramie 25 points26 points ago

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It came down to 1000 votes cast by apple pies that got GWB elected

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

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They may be cute, but they're terrible at critical thinking...

[–]idiotthethird 4 points5 points ago

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You racist.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

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You kids these days don't know the first thing about cuisine. In my day you made the pie, and then you ate it. ಠ_ಠ

[–]BrickWallChicken 14 points15 points ago

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[–]PiranaPinata 2 points3 points ago

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I hadn't heard that for a while and now all I can think about is how much Sagan sounds like Kermit.

[–]kaythxbai 17 points18 points ago

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Switcheroo something something

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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i laughed at this more something something

[–]tidigimon 5 points6 points ago

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I don't have it in me to do the "switch-a-roo" for this one.

[–]Tillhony 2 points3 points ago

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I like your sense of humor, lets hang out sometime.

[–]Atario 0 points1 point ago

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Can't believe no one posted "ah, the old reddit switcheroo". :(

[–]zerozero114 17 points18 points ago

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Don't you have to pay to enter?

[–]trekbette 239 points240 points ago

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Dark text against a dark background is hard to read.

[–]DiaperParty 75 points76 points ago

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[–]Owncksd 2 points3 points ago

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This is how you caption.

[–]Spideybry 441 points442 points ago

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IS ITCAUSE HES BLACK?

[–]The_designer_pro 50 points51 points ago

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well, yes it is... isnt the sky blue?

[–]Khalku 76 points77 points ago

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No, it's clear, it just looks blue due to rayleigh scattering.

[–]Eklitias 79 points80 points ago

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Then this guy isn't black. It's just his skin mostly absorbs light instead of reflecting it.

[–]drpon 3 points4 points ago

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ah yes. i'm gonna use this next time someone says something douche like rayleigh scattering.

it's akin to "people from phoenix are phoenicians".

[–]JibberGXP 0 points1 point ago

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WHAT IS THIS SORCERY!?

[–]Muttblood 0 points1 point ago

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You..... i like you..

[–]The-Mathematician 17 points18 points ago

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clear...looks blue

At that point, isn't it just semantics? I thought the whole point of colors is what it 'looks like'.

[–]Khalku 0 points1 point ago

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Pretty much. I'm amazed lots don't figure that. ALL colors are wavelengths. I mean, the blue is still caused by rayleigh scattering, but it still is blue. Rather, it's the total combination of the scattering and the gasses that make it blue. The gasses by themselves, with no light passing through them, are clear. But then, you could also argue anything with no light bouncing off of it is also clear/colorless.

Color is a weird thing.

[–]Runescrye 0 points1 point ago

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What does Cthulu have to do with that?

[–]Khalku 2 points3 points ago

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Ok I've seriously never read those books, but it's referred to so often that I kind of want to now. What books would you suggest, and in what order?

[–]Ted417 0 points1 point ago

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Trust this guy, he's a designer.

[–]twentyseventy 0 points1 point ago

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The sky is Atmospheric American... Racist

[–]Batman_Von_Suparman2 1 point2 points ago

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GET YOUR FACTS OUT OF HERE! It's obviously magic!

[–]Phatnoir 1 point2 points ago

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[–]framburglar 19 points20 points ago

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I read it as

"Pie Eating Contest"

"son, free pie."

Then I looked again and saw the "Nah."

I kinda like it the first way better. This is somewhat depressing. It's kinda like when you'll hear the live version of a song before you hear the studio version and then when you finally hear the studio version it's just different and you don't really like it.

[–]kronom 33 points34 points ago

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I read Dark Brotherhood, I need to sleep...

[–]buntH0LE 35 points36 points ago

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THATS WHEN THEY GET YOU

[–]open_ur_mind 10 points11 points ago

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What was that?

[–]cuppincayk 6 points7 points ago

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Damn rats...

[–]heybrandon 6 points7 points ago

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SKEEVERS

[–]Muttblood 0 points1 point ago

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We Know

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Is there some kind of wordlydoodle for the fact that no matter what you do, somebody else did in Reddit comments?

[–]klapaucius 3 points4 points ago

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It's called the Klapaucius Constant.

[–]sleepytimedownsouth 2 points3 points ago

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wasn't that a cheat code for The Sims?

[–]klapaucius 1 point2 points ago

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It's also a character in a really great sci-fi novel, as well as a constant.

[–]sleepytimedownsouth 2 points3 points ago

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What novel?

[–]klapaucius 0 points1 point ago

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The Cyberiad.

It's a series of short stories taking place in a posthuman world; they're sort of like sci-fi fables. Imagine Isaac Asimov working with Lewis Carroll and you're getting an idea of what it's like.

[–]sleepytimedownsouth 1 point2 points ago

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sounds right up my alley. thanks! edit: Same author as Solaris too! definitely checking it out.

[–]Kinglink 4 points5 points ago

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I don't understand how someone can do this, look at that, and go "this is a smart move" It's not "dark on dark" it's "black on black", and black on black crime makes as much sense as Black on Black text.

[–]whippinwork 4 points5 points ago

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Charlie Murphy you're so dark, when you touch yourself its like black on black crime.

[–]forgeSHIELD 1 point2 points ago

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At first I read this as pig eating contest. Had to reread when I saw that he was not eating a pig

[–]throw_a_weigh11 1 point2 points ago

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Racist.

[–]WhitePostIt 124 points125 points ago

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LOL, so true story:

I was in a pie eating contest, each contestant given huge 13 inch pies. The other contestants were this really big guys, and I'm the only girl, and a little one at that. I turn to the contest monitor and ask:

"So, whatever is left of my pie, can I keep it?"

Answer: "Yes, you can"

I lost the contest, but I won a pie! (minus a bite of crust)

[–]AsianPerson 90 points91 points ago

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Read: "huge 13 inch penis." Fuck you internet.

[–]moratnz 5 points6 points ago

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I suspect a lot of women, if presented with a thirteen nch penis, would be inclined to nibble around the edges a save it for later.

[–]RealSmithy 45 points46 points ago

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you would be thinking about huge 13 inch penis's.

[–][deleted] 53 points54 points ago

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Look up apostrophes. People will think you are dumb.

[–]redds56101 21 points22 points ago

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Will? It's too late for that, buddy.

[–]BATMAN-cucumbers 2 points3 points ago*

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Or from a country that has half its plurals spelled with an "'s"

[–]releasetheshutter 10 points11 points ago

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I believe the correct term is penii.

[–]is2012it 8 points9 points ago

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Penitopodes

[–]arg0818 1 point2 points ago

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yeah, i actually took two minutes of my evening to make sure i was pronouncing that word properly. ಠ_ಠ

[–]yParticle 1 point2 points ago

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Stress on the second syllable?

[–]BATMAN-cucumbers 1 point2 points ago

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Penises, even. Here ya go (may contain penises).

[–]JoeMang 0 points1 point ago

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Why would it be penii? That would be if the singular were penius. Surely it should be penes (cf. testis → testes).

[–]BachompBachomp 0 points1 point ago

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There's a nerd under this rock!

[–]smayonak 0 points1 point ago

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One of the greatest competitive eaters in history is a very small Korean woman.

[–]grahvity 43 points44 points ago

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And he won based on style points alone.

[–]heartandskull 14 points15 points ago

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my highschool had a hot wing eating contest, and a black kid did the same thing. we laughed.

nb4rage: im also black

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points ago

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It was you really, wasn't it?

[–]illme[S] 36 points37 points ago

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Why is reddit so overly aware of race? :P

[–]SurpriseBukkake 45 points46 points ago

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Cause people are really comfortable saying "niggers" on reddit.

[–]wmurray003 5 points6 points ago

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...you're right, they are comfortable saying "niggers" on reddit.

Most wouldn't have the balls to say it in reality. In the words of Dave Chappelle [as Prince] ..."Bitches."

[–]Asshole_Of_Reddit 9 points10 points ago

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niggers

[–]Literally_Symbolic 20 points21 points ago

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so brave

[–]thebeardsman -3 points-2 points ago

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Niggers.

[–]zaper002 2 points3 points ago

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I seriously have you tagged as "The blackest man on teh internetz!".

[–]notalady 15 points16 points ago

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Because most redditors are American. You're asking the wrong question...

[–]gfixler -2 points-1 points ago

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As an American, I can't understand why Europeans are so aware of redheads, or as they say "gingers."

[–]notalady 19 points20 points ago

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Mostly it's as an ironic joke on racism. And it's not Europeans, it's just the British. Actually, it's mainly just the English.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I always wondered: What's the difference between being British and English?

[–]notalady 5 points6 points ago

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[–]trumann -1 points0 points ago

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Britain includes England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. England is just England.

[–]notalady 8 points9 points ago

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No, that would be the United Kingdom. Northern Ireland is part of the UK, it isn't part of Britain.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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Redheads are sexier. Research shows this1.

  1. Personal experience.

[–]gfixler 2 points3 points ago

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That's how they've always been perceived by most guys I've known throughout my life in the US. Red hair is seen as rare and exotic, and very attractive.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Well, right, so why are you confused about Europeans then?

[–]gfixler 2 points3 points ago

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It seems the general consensus in Europe is that gingers have no soul and should be mocked and treated poorly. This makes no sense to me. Admittedly, I have only the constant onslaught of ginger-bashing by Europeans that I see online and in a few news stories to go on.

[–]mancunian 4 points5 points ago

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Not 'Europeans' - Europe is a diverse place made of many countries with their own distinct cultures.

This is a British phenomenon - my best guess is it's some sort of hangover from former widespread anti-Irish sentiment.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Ahhh. Gotcha. Cause see, here, it's always seemed like redheadedness was a playful category to comment on and we even have some idea of the "gingers don't have souls", but never really had any problems with it that I'm aware of. And yeah, it's hard to figure out how much of what we see online and through media is a reflection of the actual world. Going to be interesting to see how much of my skeletal knowledge holds up to travel.

[–]MONEY_AND_POWER 0 points1 point ago

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It is not that bad if you are outside Britain (they still hate the Irish). I never really had problems with my red hair, but that might be because I'm almost 2meters tall.

[–]doubledubs -4 points-3 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ It's Reddit.

[–]postfish 5 points6 points ago

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Read it in Stringer Bell's voice. Felt very white.

[–]Kevinism66 3 points4 points ago

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Pie trolling

[–]ninjabee 2 points3 points ago

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Reddit...You are killing yourself.

[–]runnergunner 2 points3 points ago

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Classy

[–]ShitManYouMakeMeCum 2 points3 points ago

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Oh look, its this post again.

[–]tehpiemaster 2 points3 points ago

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I like this version a bit more.

[–]Hiyasc 1 point2 points ago

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Man, that guy does not give a fuck.

[–]matlick 1 point2 points ago

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Except when you have to pay to enter those to cover the cost of the food

[–]Odusei 1 point2 points ago

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Can we stop assuming that every black person in every picture on the internet talks like a 90s gansta rapper?

[–]SpermWhale 11 points12 points ago

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The others already consumed 3.14 pieces in the first round.

[–]GreatSince86 5 points6 points ago

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I though the others were unconscious because he was injecting their pies with what looks like a needle.lol

[–]ForceFedSauerkraut 1 point2 points ago

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Classy.

[–]madi_cakers247 3 points4 points ago

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You're doing it right.

[–]yParticle 1 point2 points ago

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This was immensely disappointing for me as a kid. Pie eating contests sounded like the best thing ever—I thought it was about quantity, not speed/messiness. I had grandiose plans to be the guy on the end graciously conquering pie after pie and not caring whether I won.

[–]ledzep4life 2 points3 points ago

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THUG LIFE

[–]Abelincolnsghost -1 points0 points ago

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fuck yeah

[–]Minored 0 points1 point ago

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I am laughing way more than probably should at this. rofl.

[–]Zotak -1 points0 points ago

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This pic is awesome.

[–]regulatuh -1 points0 points ago

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god damn thats hilarious

[–]e5k1m0 0 points1 point ago

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I have never participated in a pie eating competition and I always wonder, when guys have to eat without using hands, does the pie/spaghetti etc gets filled up in their nostrils?

[–]mistermog 0 points1 point ago

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This guy. Amirite?

[–]rspeed 0 points1 point ago

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This should be cross-posted to r/frugal.

[–]Duiker123 0 points1 point ago

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Trolling the system.

[–]SpanishJoint 0 points1 point ago

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'Ey yo son we goin' to the club to pick up some girls you tryna roll?'

'Nah, son, I'm cool. I'ma stay home, an' pet my monkey.'

[–]danefalberg 0 points1 point ago

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BLACK WRITING ON A BLACK MAN WITH A BLACK COAT?!?!?!?!?!?!? interesting choice.

[–]anoraq -1 points0 points ago

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Eating contests are why we fail as a species.

[–]Kaelidoz 2 points3 points ago

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Thanks you for this post, I thought i was the only.

[–]OV5 0 points1 point ago

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This is good, way good.

[–]ninjabee 0 points1 point ago

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lol

[–]pablothe 0 points1 point ago

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Why is he using chop sticks????

[–]scottsdots 2 points3 points ago

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His left hand is a plastic knife, the broad side turned away from the camera's POV (Like that funny commercial of the guy stealing that thin tv). Right hand is a plastic fork; note the curve.

[–]deviceseeker 0 points1 point ago

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I definitely have to go to the next pie contest!

[–]yhelothere 0 points1 point ago

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America

[–]deeni -2 points-1 points ago

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Thas racist.

[–]bonemasterflex -1 points0 points ago

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Taco neck syndrome.

[–]AAAAA42 -1 points0 points ago

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At first I thought this said "metal" and got really excited, then realized that I play too much TF2.

[–]kakarotsan -1 points0 points ago

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They have 99 pies, but I'll just eat one.