this post was submitted on
3,930 points (53% like it)
34,274 up votes 30,344 down votes

funny

subscribe2,551,172 readers

10,124 users here now

Reminder: Political posts are not permitted in /r/funny. Try /r/PoliticalHumor instead!

NEW! No gore or porn (including sexually graphic images). Other NSFW content must be tagged as such

Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]raydude 329 points330 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"I want only the organic stage 1 sweet potatoes"

"Which brand? There's like six here."

"I bet there's only one or two organic."

"Oh, yeah, you're right. Just one. It looks like they're out of sweet potatoes, the shelf above the label is empty. How about the organic apple sauce?"

"Yeah. That'll work, but makes sure its stage one."

"Oh. Its stage two. How about peas and ham."

"That's like stage 3, right?"

"Oh yeah, your right. Maybe you should have come, huh?"

"Did you want to shop for food or nurse the baby?"

"Um. Oh yeah, good point."

"What stage one organic do they have?"

"I think the guy to the left of me just took the last apricot."

"Well, offer him ten bucks or get into the car and try the safeway on the corner."

"Okay. I'll call you back when I get there."

[–]PostalPenguin 58 points59 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Damn I am so glad I have a dog. 25lb sack of food and hes good for a month.

[–]HideAndSheik 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I wish my dog was this easy. :( My husband and I thought it would be great to adopt one, and although he's absolutely wonderful, there's very little food that he can eat that won't make him lick and scratch himself raw with allergies. Just replace "organic stage 1 sweet potatoes" with "limited ingredient duck and potato dog food" and you've got our household.

[–][deleted] ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]raydude 42 points43 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

LOL. It was supposed to be funny even if a bit realistic.

Just remember this simple fact: no matter what anyone tries to tell you or sell you, the winner of the game of life are the genetic codes. The only way to insure your genes win is to make babies.

[–]Kasdfkl 30 points31 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That is one game I'm cool losing then. I spend too much time selecting cat food to worry about a baby.

[–]Sabotage101 35 points36 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That's why you donate to sperm banks, not raise them on your own.

[–]gaog 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

spot on!

[–]youmustlikeit 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Easier just to make your own baby food.

[–]Tildryn 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Train your significant other out of the 'organic' scam.

[–]LakeFlacid 1408 points1409 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Yeah, this one says for boys... ours is a boy right?

[–]Yoyo8 722 points723 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Girl?! What the hell do they eat?!

[–]stillalone 432 points433 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

well they keep asking for ponies. Maybe it's ponies.

[–]woodledoodledoodle 293 points294 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Ponies? so... Jello?

[–]MoarVespenegas 171 points172 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Glue? They eat paste right?

[–]CummingOnKittens 93 points94 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"But honey we have perfectly good antifreeze at home! We don't need another bottle!"

[–]greatdanger 160 points161 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

When I was a baby my mom left the kitchen for a couple minutes, when she returned there was a half empty bottle of anti-freeze on the ground and we were both smiling looking innocent.

She did not know which baby drank the anti-freeze so off we both went to the hospital.

The doctors proceeded to induce puking with some kind of liquid medical drink.

She watched as we both turned greener and greener, and then puked all over the place.

She still does'nt know who drank the anti-freeze.

I'm pretty sure it was me.

[–]signorafosca 371 points372 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Coolant story, bro.

[–]Rountree85 16 points17 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]Fisheries_Student 44 points45 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Did you know that alcohol is the antidote for antifreeze poisoning? Somehow the ethanol keeps the ethylene glycol from precipitating into oxalic acid crystals in your kidneys.

Of course, vomiting works too, and it's probably more medically acceptable to give a baby syrup of ipecac rather than Jack Daniels.

[–]Bespin8 15 points16 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Competitive binding, FTW.

[–]darmon 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You're not from Tennessee obviously.

[–]moistmoistrevolution 23 points24 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Apparently at some point early on I ate moth balls. This is frowned upon by the medical establishment. 20+ years later, why do they still make them look and smell like mint candy?? I want to eat them to this day.

[–]polarityomg 36 points37 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

In no way do mothballs smell like mint.

[–]NiceGuysFinishLast 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

When I was 5, my parents found me in the closet with Miracle Grow and a green mouth. My Dad made me drink a bunch of water. I'm now 25 and five foot three. Fuck Miracle Grow, they lie.

[–]Juz16 69 points70 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I upvoted you, then saw your username.

Nope.

[–]lacheur42 30 points31 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Dude! They're like a self-cleaning cum rag! What's not to love?*

*Disclaimer: I have not, nor will I ever cum on a kitten. They might think I was playing and decide to claw my dick or something.

[–]penguinzftw 60 points61 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I vow to never eat Jello again.

I also vow never to eat glue again, too.

[–]koolkats 11 points12 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

But you still huff glue right?

[–]poolofclay 59 points60 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I dunno man, jello is pretty good.

[–]_Shanghai_ 26 points27 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I can't stand the texture of Jello for some reason. There's something about the consistency and the way it jiggles...

[–]heavypettingzoos 32 points33 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You won't like boobs

[–]MStudios 27 points28 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

What's your favourite flavour of jello?

[–]Rnway 33 points34 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Lime

[–]FoxtrotBeta6 21 points22 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That tropical...blue...one.

[–]thatguyjames 14 points15 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Berry Blue?

[–]thatguyjames 7 points8 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Ew, no lime, actually never lime. Long live the Cherry jello empire!

[–]DrDan21 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Orange :D

[–]poolofclay 15 points16 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]thatguyjames 10 points11 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]Juz16 33 points34 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I think glue is non toxic, thus safe to eat.

[–]MoarVespenegas 31 points32 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Depends on what kind of glue. Animal based glue is non-toxic. Usually.

[–]penguinzftw 30 points31 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Usually non-toxic? Hmm.

[–][deleted] ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]RoflCopter4 48 points49 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

To be exact, 0% true.

[–]DisapprovesOfPonies 22 points23 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

ಠ_ಠ

JANUARY 2ND - BEHIND LUCKY GARDEN CHINESE TAKEOUT

"Are you ready?" asked the cloaked man as I walked into the secluded alley. I jumped in surprise, and the man chuckled. "It's only me!" he said, and I nodded, my entire body shaking. He looked around, searching for anyone else, but we were alone. "If you want to protect reddit from the pony threat, you must take the Oath." I managed to stammer out "I-I will.", and he nodded. "Then repeat after me. I promise to search for leaks wherever they may be," he said. I repeated it. "I promise to disapprove of these leaks," "I-I p-promise to d-disapprove of these l-leaks...". "To save reddit from complete pony takeover." "T-to save r-r-reddit from complete p-pony takeover." He smiled. "Welcome," he whispered, "To the Brotherhood."

[–]MStudios 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Ponys are used to make jello? Oh yah, the gelatin...

[–]RevealsPonies 37 points38 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]DrDan21 15 points16 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You madman! Do you realize what have just done???

[–]Crim91 30 points31 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

TIL little girls eat ponies

[–]Cheezfri 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Yes, Delicious Ponies.....

[–]wishyouwerebeer 205 points206 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Are you sure this is something a 5 year old should be eating? What? He's 9 now?

[–]bluereindeer 79 points80 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"No Bob, I'm not breastfeeding him! He's 9 for christs sake!"

[–]gsfgf 162 points163 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

They all look the same!

[–]theflu 73 points74 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Her, "I'm taking a picture of the one we have and sending it to you, find the one that matches"

[–]dubstepdinosaur 47 points48 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

This works for any kind of store purchase that's never been bought by that specific person before. I've actually used face-time/skype so my husband could just pass the camera along the shelf.

[–]rhunex 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

This is ingenious. Thank you for being awesome

[–]swimmermango 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"They're all out of creamed. Should I get diced instead?"

Pictures still aren't easy enough.

[–]down_vote_magnet 63 points64 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Holy shit, they make a spaghetti bolognese one!

[–]MamasBoy 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I always get banana pudding stage 1. Best snack EVER!

[–]Oscar_Rowsdower 28 points29 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Does stage 2 come with a supercharger?

[–]khfreek 103 points104 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

wait, there's different food for different genders?

[–]webby_mc_webberson 184 points185 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

yeah, blue and pink.

[–]Raptizzle 139 points140 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

If you feed a boy the pink one, does he become gay?

[–]webby_mc_webberson 159 points160 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Nah, he won't eat it unless he is gay.

Did you ever eat the pink one?

[–]prose-before-hoes 235 points236 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Can we start referring to coming out as "eating the pink one?"

[–]Plornt 109 points110 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

For that to work you really need people to get behind you.

[–]The_Stoop_Kid 23 points24 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

If he got enough guys to cradle this, it could be a fabulous expression.

[–]webby_mc_webberson 20 points21 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

But not everyone will be willing to come on board. He'll just have to suck it up and accept that.

[–]Azryel 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Don't get testy, he might have a chance you know.

[–]bjams 38 points39 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

No, people would think it's a euphemism for oral sex.

[–]prose-before-hoes 11 points12 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

So?

[–]Ble_h 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I've eaten from both, does that make me a monster?

[–]SicilianEggplant 27 points28 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Just bi.

[–]razgrez 15 points16 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

sooo..... yes?

[–]cecilfieldersstomach 34 points35 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Pink used to be a boy's color. It was "strong" whereas blue was tender/soft.

Makes a lot of sense to me.

I think somewhere in the 1920s fashion changed in America.

If you go to Kenya pink is a boy's color and blue is a girl's color.

[–]babsasf 62 points63 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Hey now. When girls wear it, it's Pink. When men wear it, it's called Salmon.

[–]down_vote_magnet 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

In my experience, blue is usually raspberry or a sour flavour.

[–]Kittypotomus 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Can't find a better video...but relevant

[–]burke_no_sleeps 512 points513 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Baby food aisle is fucking confusing and frustrating as hell.

And it only gets worse when they learn to recognize the jars, or can whine for their favorites.. or pull them off the shelves themselves.

ProTip, though: Don't know what kind of food to buy for the baby? Bring the baby, let the baby pick it out. If the wife gives you shit for it just shrug and say you figured the baby knows what s/he wants to eat.

I am a mother of three.

[–]SensibleMadness 87 points88 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I always just bought whatever looked good to me (well, what sounded good anyway...they all look like what will be in the kid's diaper later). Sure, I got the occasional dud, but for the most part you could still get the kid to eat at least half the jar through old fashioned misdirection and other assorted trickery. Besides, the faces they make when you trick them into eating something they hate are priceless.

[–]Jachard 25 points26 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I have you RES tagged as "knows a guy in Vancouver with a bong and a trampoline."

[–]cjbest 20 points21 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

FYI - everyone in Vancouver has a bong and trampoline.

[–]iDontSayFunnyThings 122 points123 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

My youngest brother would only eat certain brands of baby food, the brands name ones (it is what we started him on). We started ripping labels off the jars and it immediately fixed this problem.

[–]revolvingdoor 312 points313 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

This works on adults too

[–]karthikonaplane 84 points85 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Apparently it didn't work for me. They'd do double blind tests where one parent would buy food and add a small code to the bottom to indicate the brand -- the code was unknown to the other -- and rip the labels off (my dad is a biochemist...) . The other would feed it to me. I only liked one type from one brand (apparently the kind that was never on sale). They tried making their own, swapping into the right jar, making the pop sound and even sealing the jar. Nothing doing.

[–]chwilliam 17 points18 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The idea of your parents doing double-blind tests means this is all I can picture: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La6-VkTT064&feature=related

Do your parents wear labcoats, by chance?

[–]karthikonaplane 19 points20 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Not at home thankfully! But sometimes my dad still cooks like a graduate student. Apparently last night he made Top Ramen for dinner, but with added vegetables since "[he's] not in grad school anymore"...............

[Edit] He's 57 and has been out of grad school for a couple decades now.

[–]plainOldFool 19 points20 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"I am a mother of three."

Hence the "burke_no_sleeps", I'm assuming.

[–][deleted] ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]MonsterPuffin 143 points144 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

aphids are born impregnated. seems relevant.

[–]seemtobedead 25 points26 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

My favorite biological phenomenon. The aphid is pregnant with a pregnant aphid. It's telescoping reproduction and it develops almost as if part of the aphid's body itself. Fuckin' beautiful...and scary. The method of delivery of the baby aphids is the real kicker, though...

[–]veggie124 39 points40 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I was unaware of this fact. That is very interesting...

[–]Spo8 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I'll be in my lab.

[–]SensibleMadness 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Impregnating aphid fetuses?

[–]Spo8 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"Research"

[–]Ragark 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

If they are born pregnant, Does the aphid fetus's fetus have a fetus?

[–]GirlOnInternet 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

And also tribbles.

[–]1ozbaggie 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Here's a better ProTip, buy sweet potatoes, peas, carrots and any other vegetables and fruits that are in the food they like, cook it, run it through a food processor, spoon it into an ice cube tray and freeze that shit. Saves you money and is way healthier than that processed, sodium packed Gerber shit.

[–]burke_no_sleeps 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

For anyone listening, this is an excellent business opportunity, because most parents of small children don't have the time or energy to do this themselves.

[–]scottishbuzzard 40 points41 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Damnit. I've done this.

[–]WhoThrewPoo 242 points243 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

an annual favorite of mine is "guilty looking men in the card section of a 24hr store the eve of mother's day"

[–]lucifer1343 165 points166 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

or "men in gas stations looking for stuffed animals the morning of Valentine's Day."

[–]conanarama 57 points58 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

My dad was always guilty of a Walgreen's trip the morning of my parents anniversary.

[–]zinconinco13 46 points47 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Hey at least he remembered that morning.

[–]ClownsAteMyBaby 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Probably after he got his present!

"Oh yeah... yours is... in the mail... Yeah. Gotta pop out here for a sec"

[–]fuckshitwank 27 points28 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Those guys are organised compared to me. I hate myself.

[–]roland19d 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"guilty looking men in the card section of a 24hr store the eve of mother's Valentine's day"

[–]wakinupdrunk 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I generally go day of. The pickings are slim, but it makes the choice a lot easier.

[–]Macandme 68 points69 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

What variety of mashed squash poop did you want?

[–]Icanhazcomment 29 points30 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The brown one.

[–]tlott 143 points144 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Next stop: Feminine Products

[–]sebrian 167 points168 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Am I the only man on the face of the planet that doesn't care about going down this aisle? Jeez...it's not that big of a frigging deal.

[–]standard_diary 104 points105 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I gladly buy my girlfriend female products, it means I have at least one more month of not buying baby food.

[–]sebrian 22 points23 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Hate to break it to you, but...doesn't always mean that.

[–]standard_diary 41 points42 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! I like my little world you leave it right alone.

[–]gsfgf 189 points190 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That doesn't mean we know what the fuck all those options mean.

[–]mdrabz 138 points139 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"HON, YOU'RE BREAKING UP, WAS THA--SUPER PLUS? YOU NEED SUPER PLUS? OKAY I'LL GET THE SUPER PLUS."

[–]Deeply_Shallow 118 points119 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

UNSCENTED EXTRA LONG SUPER PLUS WITH WINGS

[–]dick_sammich 149 points150 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

this sounds like a starbucks order

[–]schploing 47 points48 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I upvoted you because I'm sure that joke was funny, however, I have no idea what Super Plus is.

[–]JustGoAwayAlready 49 points50 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

really heavy flow tampons

[–]blindscreams 10 points11 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Super Plus is tampon language for "Shit hit the fan"

[–]marshmelo 30 points31 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Super Plus is code for "I want the inside of my vagina ripped out so I can grow a whole new layer of skin in there."

(If she didn't actually need a super plus.)

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

... the fuck? Tampons can rip out your vagina skin? This is a new one.

[–]jackiepanda 26 points27 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

If you miscalculate and put in a bigger one than you need, it tries to absorb your fucking vaginal walls. Ow.

[–]hawkinator 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

This was my first experience with ones my mom got me. She likes to think I need super plus. I'm not sure what she's insinuating here.

[–]wearmyownkin 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

It's like dry sex

[–]trauma_queen 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

it can dry you out if your flow's not as heavy as you think it is. This can cause your skin to slough off, so ...kind of.

[–]Dresden89 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

It's for when your girl be leaking like the Nile.

[–]sebrian 44 points45 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Okay, so here is the thing: If your g/f, so, wife is not telling you what she wants, ask. From what I can tell, women are fiercely loyal to the products they use, so if you buy the wrong product she will be annoyed. So yes, ask what she wants, or better yet, bring the front of the empty box with you, and you will know exactly what it is.

[–]foot-long 75 points76 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

done it so much, i've got it committed to memory!

proof: regular tampax pearl compacts, plastic applicator

[–]unsustainableprogram 39 points40 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

'We have taught it to read!'

Steve Jobs laughing maniacally.

[–]Zoethor2 18 points19 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

When in doubt, these are actually a pretty good fallback option. While women definitely have a certain degree of insistent brand loyalty, tampax pearl with the plastic applicator are quite comfy (even if not super environmentally friendly).

[–]Assaultman67 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

This completely baffles me.

If my sexual organs were bleeding, I wouldn't give a damn about the environment to stop it <_<

[–]suzepie 18 points19 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You, sir, are a king among boyfriends. Or husbands. Whichever.

[–]meomeomeo 32 points33 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I sometimes walked with a whole bunch of cut out box fronts down the aisle and searched for the right products. Companies redesigning their boxes were my doom.

[–]sebrian 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Yea, and companies like to redesign their boxes pretty much every 6 months. I do not know how women can find their products so easily with all the redesigns, renames, etc.

[–]pseudosara[!] 18 points19 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

We can't. Everytime I run out you'll find me in that aisle muttering "where the fuck did it go." It's like they intentionally want to mess with a PMSing dragon.

Edit: also if those companies were smart they would include chocolate bar prizes inside!

[–]sebrian 20 points21 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"New Tampax Holy Shit It's a Waterfall, now with chocolate in every box"

Any company that did that would make a /fortune/.

[–]scaredsquee 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

My boyfriend has taken pictures of the damn things, "Is this the right box?" He doesn't give a fuck, and that's why I love him.

[–]vertigo42 37 points38 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

as a male employee at target, this is my least favorite aisle to zone. means I have to spend an odd amount of time down that aisle as women walk down and give me looks of disapproval ಠ_ಠ

I would not mind the aisle normally, and have no issue with it, but spending 5 minutes straightening the shelves while they glare is just uncomfortable.

[–]sebrian 62 points63 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

means I have to spend an odd amount of time down that aisle as women walk down and give me looks of disapproval ಠ_ಠ

Okay, those are just stupid women if they are doing that. Unless they have some issue with a man straightening an aisle, they are just miserable people.

[–]vertigo42 26 points27 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

its usually older women who are almost to menopause or going through it. Younger women don't give a shit, but older women always seem to be the ones who are assholes about all of it.

[–]runtheplacered 21 points22 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I'm imagining you stocking the tampons and some lady says to you, "Excuse me, I need in there for a moment.", so you just hand her a box of tampons causing an incredibly tense and awkward moment.

And then she walks away thinking, "How did he know I wanted these particular ones....."

[–]wakewolfie 41 points42 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I would never glare at you angrily because you were a man in the women's aisle. But I would awkwardly glance over thinking "oh god, he's right in front of the ones I want. This aisle has nothing for me to nonchalantly stare at and pretend I'm not buying tampons. He's going to know exactly which type of tampons I plan on shoving up my vagina later. God damnit! Leave so I can stop being so painfully awkward".

[–]Assaultman67 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Basically like how guys are when buying condoms at a young age.

Later they tend to not give a shit.

[–]wakewolfie 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I know I shouldn't care. Probably no one cares or even looks at what I'm buying. But, it's taking time to let go of the misplaced shame.

[–]conanarama 22 points23 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

It's because you're blocking the jumbo sized tampons and I have to awkwardly maneuver around you.

[–]vertigo42 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Then say something; maybe like "excuse me."

[–]brazilliandanny 27 points28 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Why Yes I am buying sanitary napkins.... I live with a vagina see, and sometimes it needs these things.

Edit: Best read in Jimmy Stewart's voice.

[–]phuketawl 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I think guys assume that the cashier will think they have a vagina or that they will be handling used bloody tampons in the near future. In reality, cashiers know that the man buying them is getting laid, and the guy gets laid soon thereafter in reward for his nobel quest.

[–]plainOldFool 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I have no problem being there. I just get some damn confused. Too many options, if you ask me.

[–]Kasdfkl 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

My other half doesn't care. He'll head out to the store and be like "so I'm getting chicken, salsa, and oh, you're out of tampons, do you want me to grab some?.... it's awesome.

[–]aboycandream 92 points93 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]Captain_Porque 134 points135 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"They're out of peas, they have carrots though. No? What do you mean he 'doesn't like carrots', he's fucking 4 months old! I don't give a shit what he likes, he's getting carrots. Oh? Well, if he doesn't like it then he can get a job and buy his own damn food".

[–]biggus_doggus 275 points276 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I guess they're asking their baby their favourite dish...

[–]PeopleAreStaring 657 points658 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Deep fried kittens taste better than bacon, and I support SOPA

Edit 3: How do you stop upvotes without actually deleting a post?

[–]Dinojesus 53 points54 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"like, I only eat Gerber."

[–]uneekfreek 18 points19 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Why does that baby look more jacked than I do? I mean damn those guns!

[–]TheAverageRedditUser 40 points41 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Well, he's black.

[–]ariiiiigold 167 points168 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"Hello, father. Yes, the mushy potatoes would be grand. Could you perchance grab some milk too? Yes? Thanks, father. Toodle pip."

[–]Bismillah9 34 points35 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]d1sturbeDDD 59 points60 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

For some reason I read this in Stewie voice.

[–]LakeFlacid 11 points12 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Don't tell me what to do! Upvoted

[–]HellFluff 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I upvoted AFTER you changed it. HA HA, NOTHING CAN STOP THIS.

[–]surfinfan21 47 points48 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I'm not gonna cook it but I'll order it from Zanzibar's!

[–]Bene123 23 points24 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

And then I'm going to love you completely

[–]markm88 11 points12 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

And then I'll fucking fuck you discreetly

[–]Astroid 16 points17 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

zanzibar

[–]ThePieOfSauron 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The answer, of course, is "Tits"

[–]direbowels 16 points17 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

As a stay at home dad of two for four years, I feel I can say with a fair amount of certainty:

Noobz.

[–]jettbalasko 150 points151 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

TEH FUCK DOES MY KID EAT???

[–]ariiiiigold 152 points153 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I have a tangentially related story.

I once convinced my younger brother that if he ate enough gold chocolate coins that he would defecate a real gold coin. A week or so later, I came home to find that he had spent the whole day grazing on nothing but chocolate coins - he'd obliterated six satchets of the motherfuckers. Anyway, he ended up shitting on a towel because he didn't want his gold coin to land in the toilet. But alas, there was no coin - just a pile of sloppy, sludgy shit.

[–]ScotteeMC 44 points45 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Diabeetus.

[–]Icanhazcomment 16 points17 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Everything that has bananas in it.

[–]SolidDexter 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That's what I eat.

[–]ispyreddit 59 points60 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

HELLO WIFE?! THIS IS HUSBAND!

[–]chase02 30 points31 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I suddenly feel like the only person on the planet that feels cooking and puréeing some fresh fruit and veg is not that hard.. wtf?

[–]garfonzo 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Thank you! I'm a stay at home dad and that's what I did. Steam some veggies, mash them up, cram it into ice cube trays and freeze it. When you need lunch, pop one out and warm it up.

[–]kwertykus 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Most parents are probably busy enough as it is when taking care of an infant. If there's parents out there who can find the time to fully prepare baby food, then they should consider themselves lucky.

[–]aphelmine 24 points25 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Feel like this picture is interchangable with one from the women's necessities isle.

[–]SpectrallyAccurate 46 points47 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You mean items for the vagina and its secretions?

[–]aphelmine 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Well... yes.

[–]runtheplacered 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Someone has to maintain those mucus membranes.

[–]amyfarrahfowlerphd 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You make it sound so sexy!

[–]flawlesslylogical 11 points12 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Pro tip: When shopping, the baby aisle is less populated than other aisles and can be used as a fast bypass between other aisles.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

i feel like this perpetuates a self-fufilling prophecy where the men don't feel the need to be as involved/knowledgable as the women in terms of their babies needs/wants/etc.

or maybe i'm just having a pessimistic day.

[–]effyouyoueffineff 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

funny, truly. but as a fucking awesome father (if i do say so myself) i don't have this problem. fuck gender roles, fuck calling mom for kid advice. i can do it all and i love it. to the dads out there that have just sort of accepted their wife as the main parent, i strongly suggest you do more than just listen to your wife. parenting is amazing. fucking. amazing. probably the most profound thing you can ever do. passing this off to your wife is a tragedy.
don't get me wrong: if you have no parenting experience, listen to your wife. women are intuitive about a lot of stuff. but men have so, so much to offer to the parenting game.

so...hang up the goddamn phone already.

[–]jonasshoop 36 points37 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Many people are calling this sexist, and in a way maybe it is. But, I bet the majority of men with kids probably don't know what brand/stage baby food to buy. This has nothing to do with being a good father. This has everything to do with what roles are assigned in the household. In this situation the men probably aren't the primary shopper/caregiver to the child. They are probably the primary wage earner though.

In my household I am the cook/grocery shopper. I can't stand it on the rare occasion my wife buys groceries, because she'll get the wrong size or if the item isn't there won't get an appropriate replacement. We both know what stage baby food,diapers, etc the baby needs and we both know what deodorant, shampoo, soap to buy for each other.

Every household is different, and the parents in each household have different roles that they play than what you may be used to. Doesn't make it wrong or right, just different.

[–]Al_Kemist 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

True. So why does the media, et. al., cram it down everyone's throat that ALL woman know how to care for children and ALL men know nothing about caring for children?

I'm just wondering why when men care for children 24/7 they are "babysitting", but when women do it, it is called "primary care giver"?

[–]Feisl 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Also us during any holiday when hosting a get together. We always need help there's too many factors like brand, size, flavor, cost/oz.

[–]orangebot 125 points126 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

as a dad this is sexist to me.

[–]reaganing 96 points97 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

i can't tell if you're serious or not but i agree. as a lady, the "men don't care about/know anything about their kids" stereotype is just as dumb and offensive to me as any stereotypical female thing. i know plenty of great dads!

[–]orangebot 81 points82 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

i'm absolutely serious. to think that i wouldn't know what the fuck my kid eats simply because i'm a male is offensive to me.

[–]effedup 71 points72 points ago*

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

THIS. OH man, don't even get me started. I have twin toddlers, I get them up, get them dressed, take them to day care, work 8 hours, pick them up, cook and feed everyone dinner, play with them, bath them, medicine them (one needs it, not drugging them), brush their teeth, read books, put them to bed, and clean the mother fucking house. 6 days a week. 6:30am to 9:30pm. Then I VPN into work and finish up what I did that day for about an hour. Fap. Go to sleep 12:30am. Repeat. /endventing. To clarify I'm not bitching about doing all this, just have to deal with the stereotypes and jaws dropping when some women find out a Dad could possibly do even half of that.

edit: funny pic though.

[–]Pyrotical 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

A joke that some might construe as offensive?! How rude and unusual!

[–][deleted] ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]floppy_camel_anus 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Interesting thought, but it's not the meaning taken from the picture. The humor isn't in the helplessness of the men in the baby food section. The humor is in the confirmation of a stereotype. Men are useless with kid related things. I don't agree with the stereotype and I think it's sexist. Also, I laughed at this picture because it's funny. There's no denying that. What's not funny though, is that some might look at this and say 'yep it's true, men can't do anything when comes to kids.' it's a dangerous generalization. While I understand your point and in one sense I can see why how it might be on the viewer to draw their own conclusion, the implication is obvious.

[–]Lakashnik2 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That actually looks remarkabley like the 3 guys who have been going into shops (I work for a chain of convenience stores) pretending to talk on phones, then distracting the staff whilst 1 of them tries to break into the back storeroom/office area and takes whatever valuables they can find.

I can only assume this is a coincedence though...