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top 200 commentsshow all 320

[–]Excentinel 484 points485 points ago

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Unbeknownst to you, that's the stick she uses to hold the paper she wipes with.

[–]mesquirrel 521 points522 points ago

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Actually its for scratching her herpes outbreaks.

[–]Phallic 191 points192 points ago

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ಠ~ಠ

[–]pandemic1444 105 points106 points ago

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You're in no position to judge, phallic.

[–]BlankWaveArcade 21 points22 points ago*

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But what if he's the head? That's a pretty high position.

EDIT: 1,000 comment karma. Yay :)

[–]schploing 15 points16 points ago

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He works just for the tip.

[–]cookmesome 10 points11 points ago

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Judging from his inconsistent hours I'd say he works shafts.

[–]elmstterror 1 point2 points ago

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I came here to read comments, but I'll cum another time

[–]Cseal 1 point2 points ago

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i hope he's not as teste about these jokes as his friends.

[–]mediaG33K 1 point2 points ago

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He just dicks around half the time though.

[–]mbnyc1118 6 points7 points ago

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i laughed harder at that little emoticon than anything on r/funny

[–]TheVolatilePigeon 10 points11 points ago

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Squidward, I USE YOUR CLAIRINET TO UNCLOG MY TOILET...

[–]TrainFan 9 points10 points ago

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NOPE

[–]Metamorphism 4 points5 points ago

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That's it I'm off to bed . z_z

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago*

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actually that's the prostate scratcher that she uses on your wife's Dad when they have bathroom sex edit: i forgot what a mother in law was

[–]guy_on-a_buffalo 6 points7 points ago

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I think you are confused about what a mother in law is. Or you know of some affair going on in his family, which could tear OP's family apart. And if that's the case. Pics!! For science.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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shit you are right i had a brain fart there

[–]BadKitty420 1 point2 points ago

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Sounds jolly.

[–]jbg89 1 point2 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]VPCockPistol 19 points20 points ago

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every time this has been reposted that has always been the top comment.

[–]Excentinel 27 points28 points ago

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An addendum to my theory!

I came up with the idea that, over a sufficiently long enough period of time, the top-voted comment in a thread will always be a Redditor's first thought. The addendum is: given multiple repostings of the same content, as the number of times content is reposted increases, the top-voted comment will be made earlier and earlier after the content is posted. The real question, however, is how does the top comment affect the frequency of reposting?

[–]VPCockPistol 15 points16 points ago

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tl;dr explain it to me like im 5

[–]Excentinel 12 points13 points ago

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You know when you click on the comments of a post to post something, and what you were going to post is the very first comment with like seven hundred votes? That's my theorem in action. The added part, the VPCockPistol Addendum if you will, is that the more times something is posted, the quicker that hypothetical 700-upvote comment is made. My question about this whole scenario is what happens when the first comment made on a repost is that 700-upvote comment? Is the content effectively dead to the possibility of becoming a meme? Is the metaphorical karma-mine exhausted?

[–]shillbert 17 points18 points ago

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Now explain it to me like I'm a cephalopod.

[–]Excentinel 20 points21 points ago

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Ok Zoidberg, you know how someone else said what you were going to say quicker than you? Yeah. The new part is like this: the quicker you get to the garbage in the dumpster, the better the eats are! I am questioning what happens when the trash gets dumped on your head.

[–]fintanw 1 point2 points ago

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[–]stuman89 1 point2 points ago

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[–]nutsaq 2 points3 points ago

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No, explain it to me like I'm a gummy bear.

[–]OriginalPounderOfAss 3 points4 points ago

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and thus the Excentinel Theory was brought forth

[–]Excentinel 1 point2 points ago

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I can only hope someone with more academic experience than I discovers this and goes on to empirically prove it to be true. While I wouldn't claim to be a mind on par with the likes of John Gabriel or, heaven forbid, Mike Godwin, I hopefully can aspire to have a phenomenon occurring on the site named after me like that one guy whose name I can't remember.

[–]gurooj 1 point2 points ago

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You need to do a circlejerk about this or something. As a self proclaimed scholar of Reddit, I think this warrants further investigation.

[–]cheesy_grin 2 points3 points ago

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I agree, destroy the school

[–]Brokim 3 points4 points ago

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I have you tagged as 'Always upvote' so I will do accordingly.

Keep up the good work.

[–]DMCoolen 5 points6 points ago

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Better hope your mother in law doesn't use that back scratcher to "scratch" her vagina!

[–]cuppincayk 30 points31 points ago

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IAMA guy who inadvertently got his mother in law pregnant with a back scratcher. AMA

[–]fartuckyfartbandit 1 point2 points ago

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Can one get pregnant from that?

[–]Givants 1 point2 points ago

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What is funny to me is the size of his unit based on the hand that holds it

[–]rlink 1 point2 points ago

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I was going for turd-cutter, but whatever.

[–]igsky 150 points151 points ago

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Jokes on you, her back is located on her cock.

[–]reactiondotgif 128 points129 points ago

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[–]ntoad118 26 points27 points ago

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The most appropriate usage of this .gif

[–]superwombo 173 points174 points ago*

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The most inappropriate use of this .gif http://i.imgur.com/mmMkN.gif

[–]thejohnnyfine 17 points18 points ago

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You win. Thread over

[–]JtheHomicidalManiac 12 points13 points ago

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Don't you tell me what to do. This thread is not over.

[–]Thumbz8 5 points6 points ago

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This thread will go on!

[–]ISmokeCigars 6 points7 points ago

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Is there context to this. I'd love to know because I laugh every time I see that gif.

[–]Zombieees 1 point2 points ago

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From an episode of "How I Met Your Mother". Ted's boss designs a building that looks like a dick(with shrubbery and everything). Nobody has the balls to point it out to him but it all comes out when the person paying for the building sees a model of it. Hence the gif.

[–]Dustinm16 6 points7 points ago

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Reddit, the place where we learn the most about strangers pissing habits.

[–]pantsoff 15 points16 points ago*

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What he doesn't know is that she uses it to diddle her clittle. So he is rubbing her clit crumbs on his cock.

[–]SpartanAltair15 9 points10 points ago

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clit crumbs

....................

game over man, game over.

gunshot is heard in background

[–]Angry__Jonny 6 points7 points ago

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DJ Diddles, spinning the clits in the 80s, 90s and today. Up and down the labia.

[–]SKDVPM 8 points9 points ago

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[–]jakemyers7 88 points89 points ago

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A tiny hand for a tiny penis

[–]fatalkeyv 5 points6 points ago

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came to see this, leave satisfied

[–]MayorBee 14 points15 points ago

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You came to see a tiny penis? Well, I guess there's a fetish for everyone.

[–]randyjohns 46 points47 points ago

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[–]Miley_Cyrax 66 points67 points ago

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My son-in-law doesn't know I use my back-scratcher for goatse'ing.

[–]Naylor 16 points17 points ago

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fuck you for putting that picture in my head

[–]grape_juice_nigz 7 points8 points ago

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I am currently unsure of what "goatse'ing" is and google shall not be used tonight unless it's for porn.

[–]Skitrel 37 points38 points ago

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Goatse is porn. Go nuts!

[–]cbrandolino 35 points36 points ago

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You're not a good person and you know that.

[–]HUGE_BALLS 7 points8 points ago

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Technically correct.

The best kind of goatse!

[–]CaitlinSarah87 8 points9 points ago

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Naylor is just kidding. But it's pretty hot. You might wanna check it out while you're browsing for porn

[–]reddit_user13 6 points7 points ago

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Wouldn't you need two...?

[–][deleted] 51 points52 points ago

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BACK SCRATCHA?!

[–]K_Swag 18 points19 points ago

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Back Scratcha:(

[–]banway22 6 points7 points ago

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BUTT SCRATCHAAA!! FTFY

[–]StreetMailbox 17 points18 points ago

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I made this the last time I saw this posted... I somehow have the same toilet AND back scratcher

[–]Nhilius 9 points10 points ago

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And what you don't know is that she uses it to break up turds in the toilet.

[–]andrewsmith1986 26 points27 points ago

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That is such an old Post secret.

[–]JakeSanchard 4 points5 points ago

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Someone visits PostSecret.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

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OP doesn't know his mother in-law uses her back scratcher to break her poop because her massive cluster of shit clogs the toilet every time.

[–]fhsd4264 3 points4 points ago

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You don't know that your dad also uses that to hold his penis when he pees....

[–]dqjones 1 point2 points ago

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is that a petrified monkey hand?

[–]whatsupyourcrawpunk 5 points6 points ago

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Repost of a repost of a repost of a repost of a repost of a repost of a repost of a repost

[–]truefinn 1 point2 points ago

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R E P O S T I O N

sorry i've never done this before had to try it

[–]rootsnshoots 4 points5 points ago

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I remember this one from a long time ago. Classic.

[–]howitzer1 2 points3 points ago

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So does your father-in-law

[–]wdafxupgaiz 2 points3 points ago

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and unbeknownst to you, she uses it to finger her fat twat while she dumps.

[–]leet_hacksaw 6 points7 points ago

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"I like girls who have small hands, cause they make my cock look big" - Rodney Rude

[–]jshersher 8 points9 points ago

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...the fuck is a cistern?

[–]donzobog 6 points7 points ago

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[–]JeremyR22 3 points4 points ago

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No, "the fuck" is an act between two people who... oh never mind.

[–]BlankWaveArcade 2 points3 points ago

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I don't always pee, but when I do I use a tiny wooden hand to hold my penis.

[–]bay_wolf 1 point2 points ago

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That's more of a dick move then funny.

[–]awkook 1 point2 points ago

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"She doesnt..." I can't read the word after that.

[–]afsdjkll 1 point2 points ago

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eww dude

[–]Westykins 1 point2 points ago

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You won't be laughing when some of your semen gets caught on it, and she somehow impregnates herself with it...

Then you'll have a Brother/Son D: (in law?) I don't even know anymore, sorry guys.

[–]crankytech 1 point2 points ago

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You use your mother in-law's snatch-scratcher to hold your dick?

[–]danglingright 1 point2 points ago

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yeah but she could be using it to scratch her big twat

[–]reno1051 1 point2 points ago

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i would use it to open and close the lid to the toilet so i dont have to touch it with my hands. chances are it has been used in that very way and the joke, in fact, is on you

[–]vernonhardapple13 1 point2 points ago

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Pics or it didn't happen.

[–]me_ow 1 point2 points ago

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probably uses to scratch her bush. ಠ_ಠ

[–]Charl3magne 1 point2 points ago

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You should know that is what she uses to break up Lincoln logs.

[–]pickoneforme 1 point2 points ago

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because your hand is too big?

[–]wattafuh 1 point2 points ago

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TIL the toilet tank is called a cistern.

[–]OccasionalCaucasian 1 point2 points ago

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I'm the 1000th person to upvote. Just know that.

[–]inmate2 1 point2 points ago

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"tiny hand" was the most unsettling part

[–]poopism 1 point2 points ago

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Little did you know she has an account on reddit and is going to fuck with your penis holder.

[–]2dollarb 1 point2 points ago

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I think I saw her use that to pull an applicator out of the toilet.

I'm just sayin.

[–]rastahatter360 1 point2 points ago

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hahah im goin out right now to buy me a little pee hand now

[–]cojafoji 1 point2 points ago

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That's not only gross, but rude.

[–]noxing 1 point2 points ago

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laughed the fuck out loud. thanks yo.

[–]estrojenn 1 point2 points ago

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And so it finally happens, repost-secreting.

[–]beetrootdip 1 point2 points ago

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She gets the last laugh, she uses it instead of toilet paper

[–]HolyGhostClaw 1 point2 points ago

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Is she old and ugly? All those dead skin cells from her shingles infected back are now on your best man. Go take a shower and hope you don't contract shingles of the cock.

[–]fidelay 1 point2 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]aktsukikeeper 1 point2 points ago

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You would like to think it's for back scratching, won't you.

[–]max2grand 1 point2 points ago

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That back scratcher ain't for back scratchin' dude. You need to soak your weiner in bleach now.

[–]gangaqueen20 1 point2 points ago

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Ok, this made me laugh so hard people around me started to stare at me. UPVOTES ALL AROUND!

[–]Mark_Lincoln 1 point2 points ago

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OP age 8 or 9?

[–]imyourconscience 1 point2 points ago

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This makes me wish I had a penis so that I could try this...

[–]Xenographic 1 point2 points ago

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oh, it's fantastic.

[–]adrianarr47 1 point2 points ago

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little did you know, she uses that stick to scratch her vag ಠ_ಠ

[–]jackovitz 2 points3 points ago

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now that's just weird

[–]Athene_Wins 0 points1 point ago

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<Insert joke about needing tiny hand for tiny penis>

[–]rabbitspade 6 points7 points ago

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This joke is going to be good once its inserted.

[–]nibbloid 1 point2 points ago

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Is it in yet?

[–]b1timeoflight 1 point2 points ago

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must have a tiny dick !

[–]more-rick-santorum 0 points1 point ago

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and what else do you do with that little hand?

[–]mdk2all 0 points1 point ago

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A tiny hand, for a tiny...

[–]deletedAccountWTF 0 points1 point ago

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I bought that same backscratcher at a dollar tree in Oregon. Shit gave me some serious back acne.

[–]Sumthingwitty 0 points1 point ago

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could have worded that better

[–]Indigoma 0 points1 point ago

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Aids.

[–]sawbones84 0 points1 point ago

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this is unfortunate for both parties involved

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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You should think twice about why there is a backscratcher in the washroom.

[–]hanszimmeringbacon 0 points1 point ago

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you sir are a dick.

[–]PBR303 0 points1 point ago

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That is not very sanitary.

[–]Danez 0 points1 point ago

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I have a cunt of a step-mother. Thanks for fighting the good fight. Solidarity.

[–]ashums28 0 points1 point ago

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"my wife doesn't know I use reddit."

[–]FuckinWalkinParadox 0 points1 point ago

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joke's on you, she uses it to unclog the toilet.

[–]wanderingfreezepop 0 points1 point ago

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If I could upvote this twice I would

[–]brotherearll 0 points1 point ago

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That is so wrong in so many ways.... But funny as hell

[–]theycallmesteve 0 points1 point ago

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LOL, you said cistern

[–]babybravo 0 points1 point ago

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read it as ball-scratcher

[–]appi 0 points1 point ago

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You have no idea what she uses it for.

[–]Aquard 0 points1 point ago

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That's her pooper scooper.

My dad literally uses one of those to wipe his ass.

Why?

i have no idea.

but he at least rinses it after each use.

[–]bossbossboss 0 points1 point ago

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Jokes on you. She masturbates with it.

[–]MacCampbell 0 points1 point ago

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Son, you are gross.

[–]gimmebonbon 0 points1 point ago

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i heard she holds hers with it too

[–]WhitePostIt 0 points1 point ago

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I dunno whether to feel sorry for your penis, or your grandmother's back.

[–]MulticoloredAcid 0 points1 point ago

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And to this I simply say,"Eww".

[–]ShellBell 0 points1 point ago

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Yo don't know she uses it to get the toilet paper crumbs out of her ass crack.

[–]GeorgeWalkerKush 0 points1 point ago

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[–]1jq512 0 points1 point ago

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TIL the top of a toilet is called a cistern

[–]spectraphysics 0 points1 point ago

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So, she scratches her back with that, and in doing so pops all the festering pustules and zits, which you promptly smear on your member. Awesome.

[–]batwing97 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah that's way worse for you than her.

[–]NonAmerican 0 points1 point ago

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Women are right on something. Men are stupid when it gets to genital hygiene. Your cock area is a sensitive area compared to someone's dirty back being scratched. Joke's on you indeed. In fact, an urologist can tell you there is no much difference in "sensitivity" between female and male genital areas. It's mostly social tradition, perception and taboos.

[–]gimmebonbon 0 points1 point ago

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its actually a prosthetic limb

[–]ipissbrilliance 0 points1 point ago

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The fuck is wrong with you?

[–]TheAnnoyingLife 0 points1 point ago

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One word: gross!

[–]detroitluv 0 points1 point ago

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My grandmother used to keep butterknifes on the back of the two toilets in her house. My mother told me to never touch those butterknifes as my grandmother used the knifes to break up her poo in the toilet because it would not flush otherwise.

[–]Random-Miser 0 points1 point ago

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she uses it for the same thing.

[–]NotoriousJB 0 points1 point ago

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wasn't this on postsecret.com?

[–]pony__slaystation 0 points1 point ago

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We all know why u need a tiny hand....

[–]toinfinitiandbeyond 0 points1 point ago

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That tiny "hand" makes your tiny cock look HUGE! Good luck holding up the padded toilet seat while you pee at Grandma's house.....

[–]sherlocksd 0 points1 point ago

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how do you not know if she uses it as a tiny hand to wipe her ass?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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TIL what a "cistern" is!

[–]themvf 0 points1 point ago

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That made my night. Thanks bro.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Little do you realize, so does your grandpa!

[–]JoeBuffalo 0 points1 point ago

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You get upvotes for knowing that its called a cistern!!!

[–]marishtar 0 points1 point ago

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Why?

[–]intox310 0 points1 point ago

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What do you think she uses it for that she's ok with leaving it in the bathroom.

[–]inthrees 0 points1 point ago

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Oh, she does know. How does she use that knowledge?

[–]macpoopalot 0 points1 point ago

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For once, something that's not in /r/wtf really should be in /r/WTF rather than vice versa.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I have to use a baseball glove. You know. Because of size. Nah just kidding that son of a bitch is tiny. Negligible really ...

[–]demag_field 0 points1 point ago

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I want one now...

[–]mandelsc 0 points1 point ago

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Word of advice anything left sitting on the back of a toilet seat is probably disgusting.

[–]itchebauls 0 points1 point ago

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Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.

Seth: Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock.

[–]OneDecisiveStare 0 points1 point ago

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Wow, this was one of the first Post Secret's I ever read.

[–]sxcamaro 0 points1 point ago

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Unbeknownst to you she uses this to scrape off her crusty, old, shit coated butt hole fungus.

[–]dubstepViking 0 points1 point ago

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oh my god i've never laughed so hard at something on reddit.

[–]laughingsutra 0 points1 point ago

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so old... think I saw this when i first got on reddit and was like. . . wtf am i getting into this juvenile shit for??

[–]burninatin 0 points1 point ago

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[–]ta22JDM 0 points1 point ago

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and you dont know she probably uses it to scratch her vagina .. or anus.. gross..

[–]slantedshacks 0 points1 point ago

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Oh man, i lol'd so hard. SO HARD.

[–]Gawd129 0 points1 point ago

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And she uses it as an alternative to a plunger.

[–]cchambo 0 points1 point ago

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You could give yourself a tiny handjob

[–]darkflavour 0 points1 point ago

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Emphasis on "tiny"

[–]BeerMe828 0 points1 point ago

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TIL some people call the toilet tank a "cistern". i'm gonna start doing that. good word.

[–]almondmilk 0 points1 point ago

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Reddit is cyclical.

[–]Catch22af 0 points1 point ago

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BUTT SCRATCHER!!!!

[–]GodlessMe 0 points1 point ago

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Wait...

No matter what she might have done with that thing, at the least, she scratched her back. And you just stroll into the bathroom and willingly rub all that sweat, dead skin, and little back hairs of someone you supposedly don't like on your junk?

And why does it sound, from just that statement, that you live there?

Does your wife know? I hope you read this before she does. I hope she don't start thinking about those "little bits of mom" you been sticking...

Never mind, you get my point.

[–]Emperor_Norton_1 0 points1 point ago

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That's OK, she uses it to scratch her clit.

[–]lodinick 0 points1 point ago

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Why would you use the string finder for that.

[–]malfurianna 0 points1 point ago

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i thought she'd use it to sit the lid down when you forget to replace it.

[–]IhearBANJOmusic 0 points1 point ago

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I'm commenting so i can find this again and again.

[–]NoobieDoobieDoo 0 points1 point ago

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Man, have I got a girl for you!

http://imgur.com/xw7PG

[–]xNuggetzx 0 points1 point ago

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TIL other people also use bathroom objects for something other than their actual use.

[–]studcase 0 points1 point ago

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Looks like 4chan is leaking.

[–]thekingbarron 0 points1 point ago

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[–]Leboski 0 points1 point ago

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This belongs on r/wtf rather than r/funny.

[–]m00r5tuD 0 points1 point ago

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Haha nice. I was happy it wasn't a dog or cat watching you pee.

[–]MetaJesus 0 points1 point ago

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i feel special cause i upvoted this in new

[–]snukz 0 points1 point ago

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You live with your mother in law. Lol.

[–]jmact1 0 points1 point ago

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I don't want to think about when you poo...

[–]frugal_masturbater 0 points1 point ago

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I think the joke's on you buddy.

[–]SuperMoist 0 points1 point ago

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I'm not crazy. I knew this was a repost.

http://karmadecay.com/imgur.com/LKTfj

[–]digdat0 0 points1 point ago

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You win.

[–]DisRuptive1 0 points1 point ago

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Upvote because I have the exact same one. $2 from China if I remember correctly.