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all 166 comments

[–]LifeArrow 153 points154 points ago

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Put the toilet paper in the toilet before shitting:

  1. No noise.

  2. No splash - HALLELUJAH!!

[–]atomic811 39 points40 points ago

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Unless you fart during or after it comes out.

[–]LifeArrow 84 points85 points ago

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Put the toilet paper in your ass before farting:

  1. Funny feeling.
  2. Ass plays music instead of farting.

[–]Tophat_Gentleman 28 points29 points ago

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Are you a wizard

[–]LifeArrow 17 points18 points ago

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When I am pooping, Yes.

[–]howieyo 22 points23 points ago

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You're a wizard Harry (Pooter)

[–]god_of_madness 11 points12 points ago

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Harry Pooper

FTFY

[–]youknowsomeguy 6 points7 points ago

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Plus: Confetti!

[–]HerpingtonDerpDerp 3 points4 points ago

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Use wax paper. People will think you're simply playing a kazoo in there.

[–]LimeyPunk 0 points1 point ago

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This is what I call the "muffler" and it is necessary if you work in an office with thin bathroom walls.

[–]Onestring 1 point2 points ago

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spread the cheeks. kill the noise.

[–]leokurathans 53 points54 points ago

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In Australia we call that a 'landing pad'.

[–]drum1286 24 points25 points ago

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Australia has all the best poop terms... What is the AGB one, After grog bog? That has Aussie origins right?

[–]ZeekySantos 21 points22 points ago

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The shit you take after a night of drinking.

[–]Sloppy1sts 1 point2 points ago

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In the states, we so eloquently refer to that as the "beer shits."

[–]UncleJones 15 points16 points ago

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  • Laying a hefty depth charge
  • Dropping the kids off at the pool
  • Making a deposit

[–]mynoduesp 13 points14 points ago

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Not to be confused with picking the kids up from the pool.

[–]baconbum 10 points11 points ago

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I usually drop them off, but picking them up is cool too I guess.

[–]toadkicker 15 points16 points ago

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No, no its not. Leave the shit in the toilet.

[–]CDNChaoZ 3 points4 points ago

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Taking the Browns to the Superbowl Bombing the porcelain sea

[–]Mmarti5 3 points4 points ago

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Dropping an idea in the think tank!

[–]bimbles_ap 1 point2 points ago

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Putting a meatloaf in the porcelain pan.

[–]Y_U_Were_Downvoted 0 points1 point ago

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Suffering silently.

[–]John_Q_Deist 0 points1 point ago

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Honking out a dirt snake.

[–]doodlebro 0 points1 point ago

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That just sounds so overly obvious man.

[–]oD3 2 points3 points ago

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Spray painting the porcelain.

[–]LadyKillDrive 8 points9 points ago

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Taking the Cosby kids to the pool
Feeding the turtle

Poop Excretion from the anal cavity. See below for examples. GHOST Poop: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no Poop in the toilet.

CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.

WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.

SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when you're done Pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poop some more.

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSEY Poop: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.

DRINKER Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-Poop-Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS Poop: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your.. Urbandictionary

[–]HoradricNoob 5 points6 points ago

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I read the whole thing. ಠ_ಠ What is wrong with me?

[–]Devinm84 0 points1 point ago

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Hey man, we all relate with it somehow.

[–]wetwater 0 points1 point ago

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I had this as a poster on my wall when I was a teenager.

[–]MadMageMC 0 points1 point ago

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This is (sadly) how I made my first friends in high school after moving to a new district.

[–]leokurathans 0 points1 point ago

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I can honestly say I've done every one of these.

[–]Darth_MOES 0 points1 point ago

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Haha in holland we have a lot too: Receiving a fax from gut city, Drowning a bear, Extending your spine, Who doesn't pay, has to go out, Pushing out a pole of old food.

[–]leokurathans 2 points3 points ago

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One of my other favorite Aussie terms for crapping is to 'hang a borrie', Poop are sometimes called 'boris'. Not sure where the term came from. Oh, and we also have 'choke a darkie' ಠ_ಠ

[–]Old_Half_Tire 1 point2 points ago

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Lay a cable

[–]Osama_Bin_Downloadin 5 points6 points ago

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It's more necessary here because most of our toilets have a longer distance from ass to water than American toilets or anywhere else I've been.

[–]AdventureArtist 1 point2 points ago

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upvote for username

[–]leokurathans 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah, that brown torpedo picks up a bit of speed so the splash factor is quite high.

[–]onefingerattack 6 points7 points ago

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In Ireland, we call it the fireman's blanket.

[–]hotchrisbfries 5 points6 points ago

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In America some call it the "Lilly Pad"

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]ilikefarts 20 points21 points ago

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i call that the AC Slater

[–]compagemony 5 points6 points ago

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"Look, preppy. You've been taking dumps wrong your whole life..."

[–]MadMageMC 2 points3 points ago

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bowel

Not sure if typo or clever wordplay... upvote either way.

[–]NathanJMc 1 point2 points ago

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So you take your pants and underwear completely off when you poop? Try sitting backwards on a toilet with them on.

[–]manole100 0 points1 point ago

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He sits with his legs over the tank. Not many can do that.

[–]McHomer 2 points3 points ago

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Thank you for adding to my Ninja Poop arseanal, I will place that move in after turn on fan and faucet.

[–]FrostByt 2 points3 points ago

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What if you push with such force that it hits the water above the velocity that paper would stop the splash?

[–]onfas 2 points3 points ago

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put toilet paper in hand before shitting into it hand.

(1) portable squat toilet

(2) better examination of stool(s)

[–]Radar_Monkey 1 point2 points ago

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This is actually a necessity in a fresh porta-john if you don't want a blue speckled ass.

[–]JordiCB 1 point2 points ago

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In Spain that's called a mimosin

[–]JustHere4TheDownVote 0 points1 point ago

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The splash is just the American version of Japanese fancy toilets that clean your bum.

[–]RottingRyno 34 points35 points ago*

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Im guessing this is coming form a very popular Youtube comment that goes as follows "Thumbs up you pee on the side of the toilet to make less noise"

Another variation , I've seen of this is "Thumbs up if you pee in the middle of the toilet to assert your dominance"

[–]LifeArrow 15 points16 points ago

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Thumbs up if you put thumb up your ass when you fart.

[–]wishfulendeavors13 22 points23 points ago

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I'm on that weird part of youtube again.

[–]chairitable 2 points3 points ago

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This part? (NSFW)

[–]NO_TOUCHING__lol 0 points1 point ago

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What.
The.
Fuck.

[–]garysnail123 0 points1 point ago

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First.

[–]EatATaco 4 points5 points ago

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"Thumbs up if you stand on the toilet when you poop to assert your dominance."

[–]klsi832 1 point2 points ago

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Thumbs up if you stand on the toilet when you pee so it's extra loud and people think you have a wide urethra

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points ago

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Just do it in the shower. Problem solved.

[–]cakejob 42 points43 points ago

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The ol' wafflestomper.

[–]SyntaxTheFourth 4 points5 points ago

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That is both disgusting and fascinating on a whole new scale.

[–]Well_Spoken_Man[!] 1 point2 points ago

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[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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awwwww... nice

[–]oD3 0 points1 point ago

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You dirty bastard.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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And don't forget your towel.

[–]Wilburre 34 points35 points ago

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If you haven't seen the laddergoat video, just do. Just do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggB33d0BLcY

[–]Zzzzonked 9 points10 points ago

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Then watch the dude's Dead Island glitching video.

[–]Proximity 5 points6 points ago

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When he discovers the kicking animation... one of the few videos I've had to pause because I was laughing too hard.

[–]Zzzzonked 2 points3 points ago

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He genuinely sounds like he needs new lungs.

[–]Proximity 10 points11 points ago

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Any Dopefish video: http://i.imgur.com/HfyYV.jpg

[–]ReiganKenji 1 point2 points ago

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hahaha

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I have never burst out laughing in class, but this video almost made me do it. The only video to ever come as close was, funnily enough, the one posted yesterday (the BF3 clip).

This guy's accent is... enchanting.

[–]Choogz 0 points1 point ago

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can One request a link to this video, I need to laugh my face off while I'm drunk hahah

[–]Ronkerjake 2 points3 points ago

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Really shouldn't watch at work.

[–]grinspoon 4 points5 points ago

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I don't get what's so funny about it. Watched the video twice and I still don't get it. Is it geek humor?

[–]zakool21 4 points5 points ago

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The thing is that the laughing is contagious for the first good 2 minutes or so. I can't ever watch this video and not laugh SOME. Just like this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7v2o9Kf2ijY

[–]grinspoon -1 points0 points ago

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I have to admit, I laughed pretty hard at the one you just linked. A very guilty laugh after I read the description. Was a bit relieved after I read that the sketch was staged.

Still I think the laddergoat video is lame, I don't know, probably 'cause it sounds to me like a forced douche-bag laugh.

[–]Zantier 0 points1 point ago

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That reminds me of this for some reason

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqB1uoDTdKM

[–]cats_are_people_too 13 points14 points ago

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When i was little i used to make a sort of poop hammock. Lay toilet paper across the toilet (tuck under seat, sit on seat) then poo on it. It has a nice soft landing and then you can lower the poop hammock into its watery grave.

[–]xmsxms 0 points1 point ago

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clever

[–]Arternative1 7 points8 points ago

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Thumbs up if you pee in the sink for no reason.

[–]Xeeman 17 points18 points ago

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Wait, people don't do that?

[–]FourForty 48 points49 points ago

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Some people, Such as myself, Use the Navy Seal method. Where you lower your ass directly in to the water to eliminate the sound.

[–]dfinch 20 points21 points ago

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I find this method to be best, as it also cools my balls.

[–]Banderbear 32 points33 points ago

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TIL a lot of cool stuff to do in the bathroom.

[–]scaredytiger 11 points12 points ago

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TIL why men never need to put the toilet seat down.

[–]dekonstruktr 2 points3 points ago

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and it is soothing to the anus

[–]84_sheepdog 7 points8 points ago

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It only works for somewhat full porta-potties, but for those, I use the Rambo method, where I fully submerge my entire body.

[–]AtomicDog1471 2 points3 points ago

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Surely there is... bubbling?

[–]ReiganKenji 1 point2 points ago

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this does not work well if you suffer from arthritis.

[–]that_other_guy_jim 9 points10 points ago

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Or diarreha.

[–]Shadee1181 4 points5 points ago

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I rank my manliness ON how much sound I can make while I'm in there. If it F'in sounds like WWII in there.. then my job is done.. I even have the balls to call out to my GF while I'm in there. "Hun, did you hear that one!?" "Yes dear, glorious was that poop of yours.. blast a dookie, indeed"

[–]claireredfield 2 points3 points ago

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Upvote for reminding me of Laddergoat

[–]travis- 5 points6 points ago

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[–]raw_iron 0 points1 point ago

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what the hell?!? people don't do that....? :|

[–]LykDisIfUcryerrytime 9 points10 points ago

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Upvote if you have ever gotten poop on your hand after checking your butt immediately following a questionable fart.

[–]drewd 15 points16 points ago

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Upvote if you're evolved enough to realize when you've shit your fucking pants without using your fingers.

Good god man I mean at least use a piece of paper or something.

[–]LykDisIfUcryerrytime 1 point2 points ago

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Do you use normal printer paper, or legal pad lined?

I don't understand...

[–]drewd 1 point2 points ago

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Whatever isn't your hands would do fine.

[–]Qweef 1 point2 points ago

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Definitive proof of evolution. Glad you are using your sabbatical time doing research and not drinking so_inebriated.

[–]generalchaoz 1 point2 points ago

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This just in, people say disgusting thing on the internet!

[–]HarryBlessKnapp 1 point2 points ago

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My friend calls himself, "The Prince of Pooing in the Dark". I thought you might like to know that.

[–]Mathari 1 point2 points ago

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Dropping wookies in the sarlaac pit.

[–]stealthcopter 1 point2 points ago

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Shove some flour up there and then use your farts to detect hidden laser traps!

[–]Rainfly_X 2 points3 points ago

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79 people so far.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]DoTheTimeWarp 0 points1 point ago

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It's not "made up." I'm not going to lie, I've caught a few when the bathroom was particularly crowded so as not to make a noise. As long as there's toilet paper it's no big deal.

[–]MarsColonist 2 points3 points ago

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haha. my sister totally does this!

[–]Annieone23 18 points19 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ Go on...

[–]maddawg579 4 points5 points ago

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Fuck, man. The things I tolerate just to fire one off. Seriously...

[–]a_live_otter 8 points9 points ago

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Do you hold her hand during this process?

[–]down_vote_magnet 2 points3 points ago

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[–]nebetsu 2 points3 points ago

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I was hoping this would be a take on Stealth Mountain

[–]knocklessmonster 1 point2 points ago

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[–]Kenny_Bania_ 2 points3 points ago

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I'm assuming this is where the comment originates from.

[–]fruitbat_anne 1 point2 points ago

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What the unholy fuck? I will be more wary of hand shakes, high-fives, and people touching me in general from now on.

[–]Hammerswack 0 points1 point ago

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Simple as shitting in the sink.

[–]rmmcclay 0 points1 point ago

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Plop plop fizz fizz oh what a relief it is. I don't give a fuck if someone hears the noises I may make. They're just human noises.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Unless you're shitting out Alka-Seltzer tablets, those aren't human noises.

[–]essenn 0 points1 point ago

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Dopefish #1

[–]Sonris 0 points1 point ago

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No sploosh? stealthy. Leaving brown shitty hand stains on everything you touch after? Not so stealthy.

[–]bloodbag 0 points1 point ago

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Anyone ever wipe their ass, but half way through the toilet paper kinda sticks, then jerks forward and you wind up with shit on your balls?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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No, because nobody wipes towards their balls.

[–]MadHiggins 0 points1 point ago

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i don't understand, this is implying that this isn't the normal way to poop. it's how i've been doing it for all these years. next thing i know someone is going to claim that people wipe while standing up or something.

[–]What_Was_My_Password 0 points1 point ago

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Am I more disturbed by the comment, or the amount of people who actually do it? Am I the minority?

[–]Mmarti5 0 points1 point ago

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I don't know about the Hand pooping (water poop must suck and constipation by really workout the thighs in this case) BUT ladder goat is fucking hilarious!

That guy had me laughing for hours on end!

[–]bat0u 0 points1 point ago

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ghost poop anyone? ghost poop = best poop.

[–]John_Q_Deist 0 points1 point ago

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North Korea is best poop. Or somehting like that...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I clearly thought this was going to be about another Stealth Poop. When you launch a giant log into the toilet, stand up to wipe...and no trace of it in the toilet.

[–]EatATaco 0 points1 point ago

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I do that, but not because I care about the noise, I just like to feel the consistency to make sure all my insides are working properly. Plus, I like to keep a little sample for posterity.

[–]alphadogkp 0 points1 point ago

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The best part is that apparently 79 other people do this...

[–]StencilPrinter 0 points1 point ago

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They found out of my secret!!!!!!!

[–]CornFedHonky 0 points1 point ago

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LADDER GOAT! OMG. Do not look up the video unless you want to laugh uncontrollably for 10 minutes and have no clue why you are laughing.

[–]keithdwilson 0 points1 point ago

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[–]femaiden 0 points1 point ago

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How to find a 4chan user on youtube.

[–]tg989 0 points1 point ago

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stealth bomber.

[–]poopy_mcgee 0 points1 point ago

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This is how the pros do it.

[–]In_the_stars1 0 points1 point ago

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I believe the word you are looking for is *What?

[–]ninekilnmegalith 0 points1 point ago

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Or, hwat if there are little bubble jets in the toilet. The turd lands without as much noise and without that freezing cold splash that always hits the pucker dead on.

[–]pewpew123 0 points1 point ago

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I've pooped in the shower in my hand and placed it in the toilet and flushed it.

[–]Frankstg 0 points1 point ago

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It's another one of those posts that still get the most upvotes more than a year after someone first wrote it. I've seen this comment at least 10 times on different videos.

[–]eagle2113 0 points1 point ago

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this guy certainly knows how to poop on hands

[–]n00bikscube1122[!] 0 points1 point ago

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I've seen this comment! WTF?!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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in the military this could mean life or death.

[–]uncomfortably_honest 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah I do it. WTF how long it took OP to hear about the technique. Pray that it's solid tho

[–]eatsox117 0 points1 point ago

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This video is actually pretty hilarious. Source

[–]ufimizm 0 points1 point ago

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Wash that thumb.

[–]d3wayne 0 points1 point ago

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All turds longer than 6 inches must be hand lowered to avoid splashing.

[–]quantumripple 0 points1 point ago

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for some reason this shows up in a bunch of places. o_O

[–]macromolecule 1 point2 points ago

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You completely ruined my impeccable Google search history.

[–]finest_jellybean 0 points1 point ago

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So im not alone? lol

[–]Torune 0 points1 point ago

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This was on 4chan once. (No questions please)

[–]black_metal6 -1 points0 points ago

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Rules 1 and 2, but this does not surprise me.

[–]Torune 0 points1 point ago

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Haters gonna hate

[–]chaoticmotion 0 points1 point ago

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Insanity wolf: shits on your hand then wipes it on the walls to avoid flushing

[–]Ersers -2 points-1 points ago

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HE SAID "THUMBS UP IF YOU POOP ON YOUR HAND AND GENTLY PLACE IT INTO THE TOILET TO MAKE LESS NOISE.

[–]DinoBeerDrop -5 points-4 points ago

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[–]SyntaxTheFourth 1 point2 points ago

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Yeah, when I saw the 4chan link I knew I had it coming.

[–]marttti -1 points0 points ago

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SAP?

[–]ihateslowdrivers 0 points1 point ago

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FAP?

[–]marttti 0 points1 point ago

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Socially Awkward Penguin is afraid someone can hear him poop.

[–]snusamera -1 points0 points ago

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HAHAHA

[–]space_montaine -3 points-2 points ago

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wut

[–]Jounax94 -2 points-1 points ago

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I do that all the time

[–]CanYouFapThis -2 points-1 points ago

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maybe