There are many happy new Toyota or Lexus owners driving about, reveling in and marveling about their smart key. What a wonderous invention. What a miracle it is to never have need to remove one’s keychain from its comfortable repose in one’s warm pocket. However, as these owners approach the 1.5-2 year point, they will discover that the lithium batteries in their smart keys have reached the endpoint of their lifespans and their cars will smartly signal via the dash computer that the key battery is now low. Some will head to their Lexus dealer and pay a luxurious $20 per new battery. Some will decide that a quick trip to Walgreens, Rite Aid, Circuit City or Frys will remedy their electric demands. And, some will simply order their replacement batteries online ahead of their complete discharge.

It was Thanksgiving and my GS300 had been offering daily admonitions since the preceding week. Key battery low. Its incessant warnings were starting to irritate me every time I ensconced in the driver’s seat. In the back of my head, I added the task to my queue — find a replacement battery. How hard could it be? A quick stop somewhere should yield a quick resolution. I stopped by Walgreens and found 1620’s and 2020’s. I grumbled. I drove to Rite Aid and found 1620’s and 2020’s. I cursed. I drove to Circuit City. They didn’t even carry lithium cell batteries!

I thought surely Fry’s would not fail me. I hopped in the car by doing something quite unorthodox. I unsheathed the real key, inserted it into virgin slit in the car door handle, and turned it one way and then another until I could hear the locks snap open. Then, I swung the door open and hit the unlock button on the door panel to let my passenger into the car. I sighed a long, despondent sigh. I put the smart key next to the start button that functions as the ignition and started the engine. The drive was long and arduous as I braved the dangerous idiots on the freeway, the morons who drive slower than public transportation, and the imbeciles that clog the number one lane. I reminisced of days gone by when drives to the Palo Alto Fry’s were a leisurely 10 minute ride.

When I finally arrived at the Burbank store 45 mnutes later, I bee-lined to the battery aisle and lo-and-behold!!! They didn’t have the ****ing battery either. I cursed. I clenched my fist. I cursed again. I walked up and down aisles to dissipate the growing heat emanating from the core of my body. I thought I would spontaneously combust from sheer anger. I had an exchange with an unhelpful service rep. Apparently they are incapable of looking up 1632 in their inventory systems. They need to know precisely how a product is labeled. No regular expression queries allowed. Sometimes the product might say Panasonic 3V instead of Panasonic CR1632. Does that make any sense? Perhaps, only to this idiot in his idiotic world. I would have normally engaged the enemy. However, tired of the sheer stupidity of the affair, I departed.

Then, I did what I should have done from the very beginning. I ordered the damn batteries online from the comfort of my own chair. $11 for 5 Energizer CR1632’s, including shipping.