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all 198 comments

[–]nodefect 279 points280 points ago

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Joke's on you, I was using my keyboard.

[–]keyl 31 points32 points ago

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I was using my laptop! (no mouse)

[–]crznmnm 50 points51 points ago

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iPhone redditing!

[–]whatthehelpp 34 points35 points ago

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so you where touching her ???

PLAYA

[–]censored_username 3 points4 points ago

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the jpg artifacts. it burns.

[–]AriBBCP 3 points4 points ago

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[–]crznmnm 9 points10 points ago

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I have never been more excited about iOS multi-touch support.

[–]snakrause 29 points30 points ago*

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I found this unreasonably funny

Edit: There, different word!

[–]nodefect 10 points11 points ago

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Except it's true, you can keyboard browse with RES.

[–]snakrause 6 points7 points ago

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When I wrote "unrealistically" I meant that I shouldn't have found it that funny. I should have chosen a different word but, eh, I didn't.

[–]TheoQ99 16 points17 points ago

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Hahahah, peasant, still using the old version of RES. Upgrade here

[–]keenerz 2 points3 points ago

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I thought it would tell you when they updated but apparently not I was using the old version for quite a while too.

[–]TheoQ99 0 points1 point ago

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I remember seeing something pop up in the corner announcing the new version. Maybe you had that disabled to just weren't here.

[–]otatop 0 points1 point ago

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Me too! I was on 3.4!

[–]CuriousCursor 1 point2 points ago

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Who you calling peasant? I use 4.0.1!

Reddit Enhancement Suite

They didn't fix the link until 4.0.2

[–]anyletter 0 points1 point ago

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[–]finanseer -4 points-3 points ago

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I think you the wrong word

[–]snakrause 0 points1 point ago

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Haha, fine, I changed it

[–]_NOBODY_CARES_ -2 points-1 points ago

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[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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And I my touchpad.

[–]what_thedouche 2 points3 points ago

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I was using my trackpad. take that defected person.

[–]Fraz100 0 points1 point ago

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I came to post this, wtf.

[–]robovamp 0 points1 point ago

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Jokes on you i have an ipad.

[–]DaveTheGuardian 77 points78 points ago

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Close but no cigar. Both my hands are down my pants.

[–]elegylegacy 23 points24 points ago

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Typing by poking the keyboard with your nose.

...or your tongue.

[–]Trobot087 17 points18 points ago

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Almost. Now what's your third guess? Hint: you were moving in the right direction.

[–]elegylegacy 24 points25 points ago

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>Implying penis.

False.

Given information: Hands are down pants.

  • If both hands are down your pants, and your hands are on your penis, then your pants are still on.

  • If your hands are down your pants, but your pants are off so as to type with your penis; then you fail to touch your penis because your hands are still in the pants that you are not wearing.

QED

[–]roboduck 69 points70 points ago

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Wrong. His keyboard is also down his pants.

[–]J-Schrem 6 points7 points ago

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There was no mention of hands on the penis; there was only mention of hands down pants.

QED

[–]elegylegacy 1 point2 points ago

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Failure to put hands on penis?

Automatic disqualification.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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He's touching his butt with the zipper undone.

[–]youareafruitcake 2 points3 points ago

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Or his fly was unzipped... making it possible for his dick to be out and holding it with his hands in his pants.

[–]Yulath 2 points3 points ago

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There's a variable in this equation that you seem to have overlooked;

DaveTheGuardian was clearly sporting a massive erection which enabled him to poke the keyboard with his penis underneath his pants.

[–]ConstipatedNinja 2 points3 points ago

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Or, even more unrealistically, his hands were in his pants that weren't on him, holding his penis through his pants guiding his penis to type on the keyboard.

[–]johnlocke90 0 points1 point ago

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His penis could snake out of his pants for typing.

[–]ugotamesij 4 points5 points ago

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Chin?

[–]Damogran6 0 points1 point ago

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Uvula?

[–]I_Rearrange_Comments 1 point2 points ago

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Both my cigar hands are down my but. No pants close.

[–]Just2UpvoteU 44 points45 points ago

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I find it funny that "Boyfriend" is in the middle of "Friend" and "Pervert".

[–]kindaconfused 57 points58 points ago

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Sounds about right to me.

[–]lessthan_i 85 points86 points ago

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I prefer the pervert position.

[–]wincest_pervert 48 points49 points ago

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What's wrong with that position? I always embrace my mother like that when we walk in the park.

[–]BDS_UHS 85 points86 points ago

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Get off Reddit, Buster.

[–]sushisushisushi 5 points6 points ago

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Also known as the "Mediterranean friend/girlfriend" position.

[–]SPIDERBOB 1 point2 points ago

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pretty sure is another boyfriend hand position

[–]AlphaEnder 28 points29 points ago

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sigh I miss being able to put my hand in the "boyfriend" area. It's a nice spot. Might as well get used to DaveTheGuardian's position: both hands down my pants.

[–]1packer 5 points6 points ago

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So is that what we are calling it now? Seems as good as any other alternative naming schemes.

[–]AlphaEnder 6 points7 points ago

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The Double jacker. Or the Lumberjack. Something with "jack" in the name.

[–]xi_yangyang 4 points5 points ago

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The Dave.

[–]nwmiles 86 points87 points ago

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Always in the boyfriend position. Gently put slight pressure on her lower back with your hand when guiding a lady. They love that shit.

[–]Yawgmoth_of_Urborg 29 points30 points ago

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There was a psychological study (I will try to find it for all the narwhals) which stated that initiating tactile contact in a non-threatening way is one of the easiest ways to cultivate attraction. Such as OP said, placing the hand on the small of the back and gently guiding, or initiating contact while speaking by placing the hand gently on the other's forearm, can generate attraction. I will do some research and post the article!

EDIT: I was writing like a buffoon.

[–]mrTlicious 63 points64 points ago

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Placing your hand on the small of the back will generally creep girls out unless they're already into you.

[–]grantmoore3d 6 points7 points ago*

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Completely disagree. A touch like that simply acts as a multiplier for whatever you are already projecting. If she thinks you're a creep then touching will creep her out. If there is comfort, then it is welcomed. It doesn't necessarily have to mean she's "into you".

[–]nwmiles 3 points4 points ago*

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This is almost true. It will for sure creep out girls if you don't know them or if you have just met them. But I do it with girls who are just my friends (i.e. not into me). Although, it's pretty hard for them not to become attracted to you if you pull this move. Like Yawgmoth_of_Urborg said, girls like tactile contact, and this move is subtle yet it will make her feel protected, in a way.

EDIT: Or, for example, in the way JavaLSU mentioned. That is perfectly acceptable, and you don't even have to know the girl.

[–]JavaLSU 10 points11 points ago

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Not true, it's one of the best ways to let a girl know that you are interested in them.  You have to do it in the proper context for it to not be creepy.

[–]ImNakedHowBoutYou 69 points70 points ago

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in the proper context

  1. Be attractive.
  2. Don't be unattractive.
  3. Being rich helps also.

[–]Kleim4nn 13 points14 points ago

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Dude, I don't think the nudity helps.

[–]iflychrysalis 6 points7 points ago

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The Naked Man

[–]JavaLSU 15 points16 points ago*

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No, I mean like if you're at a noisy party and you want to tell her something, lean in to whisper like you would normally and place your hand on her lower back.

The contact isn't unexpected and not creepy.

The improper context is just reaching out and touching her lower back for no reason...that's creepy.

Take it from a person who's never been confused for attractive or rich.

[–]NotMarkus 0 points1 point ago

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Open door for girl on way to class.

Guide her through doorway with a hand on her lower back.

[–]bldkis 5 points6 points ago

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Reaches down to pick up her pencil in class.

Hand on her lower back to guide her.

[–]nwmiles 2 points3 points ago

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Mmmm.. that's a tough one. If you know her, then totally appropriate. If not: a little creepy.

[–]shutyourgob 54 points55 points ago*

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Being bitter or angry about women in general doesn't.

[–]homanh 13 points14 points ago

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what about lack of sense of humour?

[–]WallyWalrus 6 points7 points ago

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I love how a once-funny snl skit is now always used to show how women are shallow whores.

[–]CantBelieveItsButter 1 point2 points ago

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or being in a concert with her and moving up a few rows

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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being confident is also a way to get women

[–]smashv2 0 points1 point ago

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  1. Delete Facebook
  2. Hit the Gym
  3. Lawyer up

[–]ImNakedHowBoutYou 10 points11 points ago

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ITT: People who know everything about women, who know nothing about women.

[–]CocoSavege 3 points4 points ago

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Cool story bro here...

I've heard that the preferred 'political spot' is the upper arm. IANAP, so grain of salt.

A light touch on the upper arm is the best to initiate a physical expression of familiarity with the least potential for undesired interpretation.

Hand? Too intimate.

Elbow? Too controlling.

Shoulder? Possibly intimate, possibly patronizing.

Forearm is interesting. Often controlling. Also might be a contextual thing, it might be contextualized as 'let me help you across the street, nice old lady'. This works well if the touchee and toucher are female senior and boyscout, respectively. If it's a meet'n'greet with a grey fox politico and a 40 something attendant, confusing!

There are times when it's also appropriate to 'present an elbow' to allow the assistee to grab your forearm via inside your upper arm. Can be misinterpreted as well, depends on context.

So, when trying to leverage physical contact in a platonic situation, a light brush on the upper arm is the way to go! And again, IANAP, so I could be wrong. But screw that, you heard it on the interweb! DO IT!

[–]pierogis 0 points1 point ago

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this seems to be a dude dominated conversation. as a lady, i am more often creeped out by the lower back thing than not. don't people just hold hands anymore?!

[–]CocoSavege 0 points1 point ago

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Pretty random spot to reply, kind woman. Are you sure this is the right place for you? Here, let me help you out here, I'll just guide you gently with a little...

Oh wait.

[–]DIDNT_GET_SARCASM 9 points10 points ago

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Do you push down like on her ass or is that to low? Like not her actual ass but where her ass is starting to curve out. Do you push down or do you push forward?

[–]korkow 7 points8 points ago

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It's the lower green area as seen in this diagram. It becomes rather obvious what to do with your hand once you get there, it just sort of "fits".

[–]avengre 8 points9 points ago

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Mmm, love me some Lordotic curvature...

[–]Tyaedalis 11 points12 points ago

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Perpendicular to the curvature of said ass.

[–]nwmiles 1 point2 points ago

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When I do it, I try not to apply the pressure onto the top of where her ass curves out; rather I'll use my fingertips against her back, forwardly.

[–]GrimTuesday 1 point2 points ago

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Read this on askreddit the other day, lots of women checked in. I asked one of my friends, it is apparently true.

[–]Bubblebath_expert 0 points1 point ago

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Indeed, the person who made this image has no experience with touching girls. There's always a position were you can hold a woman, that depends on how much you know her, how much you are attracted to her, who else is present in the room, how noisy it is, and all kinds of stuff. Sometimes it can be a sufficient subtle hint at sexual attraction, you can communicate a lot by how high or low and how far from the center you put your hand, it's very delicate.

It's certainly not a matter of three or four discrete positions depending on how much of a pervert you are.

[–]kbreddit95 25 points26 points ago

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This makes me surprisingly less self-conscious! I suck with girls but I think I've only ever used the boyfriend position. No complaints!

[–]Renmauzuo 12 points13 points ago

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Heh, same here. I'm a virgin but I've never hoverhanded. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Maybe?

[–]kbreddit95 4 points5 points ago

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I would feel pretty sorry and confused for you if you lived in a place where it was a bad thing to have never hoverhanded anyone so I would assume it's good :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Oh I thought it meant putting your arm over their shoulder, not hoverhanding. Okay im fine then I think.

[–]Renmauzuo 0 points1 point ago

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Oh, maybe. I thought it looked like hoverhanding since the hand is so far to the right of the girl, and doesn't appear to actually be in contact with her.

[–]burf 1 point2 points ago

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When I was a virgin I used the pervert position a few times. Nothing is mutually exclusive.

[–]Arrant_Theif 6 points7 points ago

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pervert?

[–]runcibald 22 points23 points ago

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[–]Photoshops_Penises 5 points6 points ago

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Is that from a japanese horror movie?

[–]runcibald 10 points11 points ago

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Ju-on/the grudge

[–]oananbr 9 points10 points ago

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Me on the grudge?

[–]RelevantToMyInterest 1 point2 points ago

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are ju keeding me?

[–]stefanocfb 0 points1 point ago

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This is genius, well done

[–]Mcbotbyl 12 points13 points ago

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Aha! That is where you are wrong sir! I am using a trackpad! Haha!

[–]MonsterPuffin 19 points20 points ago*

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virgin (noun): having a third arm growing from the back of the head

edit: thanks for catching my [7]-brain mistake, saxasm :D

[–]saxasm 7 points8 points ago

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Verb?!

[–]MonsterPuffin -1 points0 points ago*

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lol, wtf was I thinking? [7]

[–]lazershark 4 points5 points ago

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WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE NUMBERS????

[–]gschizas 1 point2 points ago

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Since no one seems to help you, the numbers mean how high you are (mostly from marijuana), 1 being normal and 10 meaning completely stoned. Ents is another name for stoners, and they have taken over /r/trees. I'm not entirely sure why though, cannabis is at best a bush (if that), not a tree...

[–]gigitrix 1 point2 points ago

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[–]MonsterPuffin 0 points1 point ago

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no need to yell; ask the ents.

[–]lazershark 1 point2 points ago

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ALRIGHT I CHECKED IN THE /R/LOTR AND NOTHING WAS WRITTEN ABOUT IT THERE... WTF (ALSO I CAPS WHENEVER THE HELL I PLEASE THANK YOU)

[–]Zyberst 2 points3 points ago

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It's the scale /r/trees uses to judge how high (on weed) a person is. The scale goes from one: Barely noticible, to 10 which is commonly referred to as the highest one has ever been.

[–]ColumW 0 points1 point ago

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It's the scale /r/trees uses to judge how high (on weed) a person is. The scale goes from one: Barely noticible, to 10 which is commonly referred to as the highest one has ever been.

How do you find a stoner? They'll tell you.

[–]Zyberst 0 points1 point ago

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Shh! Don't tell them the secret, dude.

[–]MonsterPuffin 0 points1 point ago

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wrong /r. please, continue your quest.

[–]Zyberst 0 points1 point ago

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Can't we just tell him?

[–]MonsterPuffin 1 point2 points ago

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I'm not stopping anyone :) [6]

[–]Zyberst 1 point2 points ago

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Tell all the people!

[–]MonsterPuffin 0 points1 point ago

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oh, you already did. [0] = pregame

[–]RdMrcr 10 points11 points ago

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She seems Asian to me even though I only see her back

[–]devils0508 12 points13 points ago

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shit, I put my hand on my girlfriend's butt 24/7

[–]AKnightAlone 3 points4 points ago

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That trollface was a little too ominous for my current state.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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My hand's on my balls.

[–]Lockski 2 points3 points ago

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Can we get an image like this, but for what the fuck to do with your hands while kissing? I feel the hip thing is most comfortable, but I feel like my arms should be all the way around her.

[–]stationhollow 4 points5 points ago

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On the tops of the hips, around the waist works best. Not all the way around but far enough to exert pressure on her in your direction.

[–]Lockski 1 point2 points ago

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You are a hero

[–]DoubleSidedTape 0 points1 point ago

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Wherever the fuck you want.

[–]Lockski 0 points1 point ago

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teenage. Not that simple for me yet.

[–]DoubleSidedTape 0 points1 point ago

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Sure it is. Read this.

[–]Lockski 0 points1 point ago

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I owe you my social life involving women...

[–]PlNG 2 points3 points ago

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They forgot Pimp: Hand left of the face

[–]hipercapnia 2 points3 points ago

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what if you are a pervert virgin friend??

[–]gigitrix 0 points1 point ago

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Probably the bottom one </troll>

[–]captainbirthdaytime 2 points3 points ago

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[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]gigitrix 1 point2 points ago

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Only once? You're way ahead of the redditor curve...

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]gigitrix 1 point2 points ago

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Touche :|

[–]Gr1ml0ck 2 points3 points ago

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[–]SoFaKiNg42 5 points6 points ago

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TIL i'm a pervert and not a boyfriend

[–]Temporarily-stairs 4 points5 points ago

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Hey, at least I'm not a virgin!

[–]ColonicIrritation 1 point2 points ago

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Wrong! for girlfriend hand goes on the otherrr side of the waist, and for friend it goes on the shoulder farthest from you, unless you're slapping them on the back like a chum.

[–]EVILSUPERMUTANT 1 point2 points ago

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Yeah, I'm probably borderline friend/pervert.

[–]almikez 1 point2 points ago

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what if your hands are below her ass?!?!?

[–]Modus_Pwninz 1 point2 points ago

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According to this chart, when I touch my girlfriend I am either a pervert or actually her boyfriend.

Shrug

Pretty accurate.

[–]Aladdin10 1 point2 points ago

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You win this time MooberGoobers

[–]Cestdujamaisvu 1 point2 points ago

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Hand on the lower part of her back: This is my girl. There are many like it. This one is mine.

[–]TXTiki 1 point2 points ago

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At least I'm not a virgin!

[–]cresseychaos 1 point2 points ago

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It's good to hit half way between friend and boyfriend, a subtle way to get the idea going in their head.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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[–]CAFoggy 2 points3 points ago

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[–]ArcticSpaceman 0 points1 point ago

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I laughed, don't worry. :)

[–]ColumW 0 points1 point ago

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[–]CAFoggy 0 points1 point ago

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[–]piratenkaas 0 points1 point ago

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OBJECTION! Im on my Ipad. UMADBRO

[–]Lockski 0 points1 point ago

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Ahem...friend!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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So, Hitch was pretty spot on then?

[–]mave1986 0 points1 point ago

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Haters gonna hate! M still gonna FAP!

[–]ILOVEGLADOS 0 points1 point ago

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Trackpad FTW

[–]thelazerbeast 0 points1 point ago

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Two dicks on the mouse button? I only have one dick this its not me.

[–]sourdoughandwry 0 points1 point ago

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What is that arm growing out of her head?

[–]spartan421 0 points1 point ago

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ha, reading this on an ipad. check mate there buddy.

[–]tonyorlando 0 points1 point ago

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frown and upvote.

[–]AustinIsTheMann 0 points1 point ago

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I've did the 'virgin' before...

:(

[–]APiousCultist 3 points4 points ago

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Once you've done the virgin you've not.

[–]ModernDayCasanova 0 points1 point ago

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I read this as Persian...

[–]HardCorwen 0 points1 point ago

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WTF is virgin supposed to be?

[–]APiousCultist 2 points3 points ago

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Hover hand.

[–]sun_aks 0 points1 point ago

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Yes, i am but not proud of it at all. fml!

[–]finallymadeanaccount 0 points1 point ago

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Why is there an arm growing out the back of her head?

[–]somethinghorrible 0 points1 point ago

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accurate :(

[–]meant2live218 0 points1 point ago

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Hey, buddy, I don't know about you, but I use a claw grip on my mouse.

[–]CaffeinatedGuy 0 points1 point ago

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That doesn't tell you half as much as the location of my other hand.

[–]ssjaken 0 points1 point ago

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Were you listening to me, or were you paying attention to the woman in the red dress?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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The last one could go two ways; single or married.

[–]take_once_daily 0 points1 point ago

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Trackpad!

[–]biobluedragon 0 points1 point ago

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I use a trackpad.

[–]Creflo 0 points1 point ago

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Handling a woman's ass is not perverted. Putting your wee wee where a dude's doo doo comes out is perverted.

[–]Dat_Karmavore 0 points1 point ago

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Jokes on you, middle finger was on SCROLL WHEEL

Take that, internet.

[–]Khanman88 0 points1 point ago

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I just got stood up, you're an asshole.

[–]bloodredmoon 0 points1 point ago

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WELL EXCUSE ME FOR LOVING THE FEEL OF A NICE BUTT. I GUESS I'M A BIG 'OL PERVERT

[–]Phinigin 0 points1 point ago

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My phone looks like a mouse!

[–]thatgreengentalman 0 points1 point ago

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fuck you im on a laptop.

[–]Siegy 0 points1 point ago

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Where are all the other relationships? ... I'm lost

... son ... brother ... cousin ... manager ... step uncle twice-removed

etc

This really doesn't give me enough information.

[–]PartyBusGaming -1 points0 points ago

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What the hell? Upperback?

FUCK THAT SHIT

I don't want my arm to get tired. if you aren't going to rest the bottom on for hand on her butt, hold her shoulder.

Who the hell supports their hand while pushing someone on their upperback?

[–]Chamon 7 points8 points ago

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Relax, it's just badly illustrated.

[–]cuppehcake 0 points1 point ago

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i like how the virgin hand is short... or it just goes through her hair, which is just creepy.

[–]buakaw 0 points1 point ago*

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The virgin position looks aggressive. It looks more like the guy is about to grab the girl and take her behind the bushes.

[–]TwoThreeSkidoo -3 points-2 points ago

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Shit, according to this my friends and I all have a lot of girlfriends that we must be sharing.

[–]tomekthatsme 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah same for me, the "boyfriend" one is my "friend" one, and the pervert one is my "boyfriend" one.

[–]trilPho -2 points-1 points ago

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So you're saying I'm not a virgin! HA!

oh :(

[–]bfalava -1 points0 points ago

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Cuánto Cabrón!!

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

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Joke's on you, I'm using my foot

[–]sirevil -1 points0 points ago

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wow, i seem to be the boyfriend of a lot of women

[–]JakeMcK -1 points0 points ago

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Since when do they make computer mouses with cords attached?

[–]ColumW 0 points1 point ago

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The MX518 is the best mouse I've ever used. (wired ofc)

[–]808atheist -1 points0 points ago

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Touching a girl with black hair. All 4 are loosers.

[–]Jharkie -2 points-1 points ago

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Wasn't this posted less than a week ago?

[–]Bobic2 -3 points-2 points ago

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I'm in my phone you stupid cunt!

[–]look_at_me 5 points6 points ago

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Oh God no! How can we get you out!?