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all 66 comments

[–]MrFernback 67 points68 points ago

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the worst is when people are around so you go to the bathroom to rip one but then you get in there and you dont have to fart anymore so you're standing in front of the urinal trying to get it out because you already committed to the fart but its not happening so you go back to your desk or whatever and it immediately returns and you hold and it makes those inside your body farting noises. ya.

[–]tws_said 20 points21 points ago

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And when someone next to you hears those "inside the body farting noises" you play it off and say "Oh man, boy am I hungry. My stomach is growlig."

[–]fondlemeLeroy 9 points10 points ago

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I usually just go with "mother of mercy do I gotta take a shit!"

[–]Katarzzle 11 points12 points ago

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I always called them trafs. Reverse farts.

[–]fartbot 31 points32 points ago

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 fartbot agrees. upvoting.

[–]Tokeli 2 points3 points ago

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Inside your body farting noises.

... What? It has to come out to be a fart. ಠ_ಠ

[–]regomodo 14 points15 points ago

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Trust me, I was lactose intolerant for years without knowing. Try holding in rampant farts for ages, they just reverberate to either ends of your gut.

[–]spaceywilly 1 point2 points ago

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TIL I am lactose intolerant. I swear sometimes I can even smell the inside farts.

[–]klaq 5 points6 points ago

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also known as "bubble guts"

[–]SomeDaysAreThroAways 0 points1 point ago

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You've never had intestinal gurgling? I'm lactose intolerant and it happens to me all the time. Drink a bit of milk, and my stomach will growl like a chainsaw on and off for a few minutes as the fart works it's way from the stomach all the way through all the folds of the intestines.

[–]bigroblee 1 point2 points ago

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I just squat down like I was going to pick up a box... seems to generally get it going.

[–]BFEngineer 17 points18 points ago

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[–]ranthonyv 18 points19 points ago

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Even when you walk away, it follows you...

[–]thebayway 6 points7 points ago

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I think it gets trapped in your pants, or something

[–]gangy86 5 points6 points ago

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It's been scientifically proven that farts stay with you for 5 minutes or more after you fart.

[–]bigroblee 3 points4 points ago

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Your facts seem legit. I have cropdusted but then had the trail lead right back to my desk at work before.

[–]cheesezowi 3 points4 points ago

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i'm a teacher and my favorite fart maneuver is crop-dusting a group of kids as i walk by..no one ever suspects the teacher!

[–]wanderjahr 2 points3 points ago

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I'm in the Navy and a personal favorite of mine is crop dusting the helmsman (who cannot move ) and feign ignorance. They just have to wallow in it.

[–]bigroblee 0 points1 point ago

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This fucking rocks! Make sure you don't do it around the weird or awkward kid though, they'll always be one and they'll all blame him/her.

[–]gangy86 1 point2 points ago

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Lol...upvote for cropdusted

[–]folksinging 2 points3 points ago

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Sometimes farts are like a pet, they just follow you around

[–]RonaldFuckingPaul 9 points10 points ago

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I may have over-thrusted that fart.

[–]JTDeuce 7 points8 points ago

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A fart betrayed me yesterday. Let's just say I won't be wearing that underwear ever again.

[–]RUunknown 2 points3 points ago

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::sigh:: I've ditched 3 pairs of underwear at work.

[–]JTDeuce 0 points1 point ago

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It feels man... it feels.

[–]ilikedags 25 points26 points ago

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[–]imjustjoking22 4 points5 points ago

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Nope.

[–]analCHUG 5 points6 points ago

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Let us not forget, Mom's embarrasing dance...

[–]Zeppelanoid 1 point2 points ago

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She must be the fattest, shortest person I ever did see.

[–]devoye97 2 points3 points ago

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First day of Kindergarten, and I'm getting ready to go home. I feel this brutal bubbling feeling in my gut, and I rush to the bathroom in the back of the classroom. Little do I know, there was some girl in there, but the dumb bitch didn't put the red stop light up on the door to say it's occupied so I walked in on her pissing and then I shit my pants right there. And that's how I started my career in school.

[–]bigroblee 0 points1 point ago

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I also believe you can not, under any circumstances whether you are male or female, ever trust white pants.

[–]indubetably 5 points6 points ago

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some farts just want to watch the world burn.

[–]Gh0stRAT 0 points1 point ago

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Some men just want to watch the farts burn.

[–]m4rkies 2 points3 points ago

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Never fun to gamble and lose, flying by the seat of your pants isn't nearly as interesting as it sounds...

[–]phekylmadder 4 points5 points ago

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Shart. noun.

[1] unreleased, and you're unable to tell which it really is and you're afraid to try.

[2] released, it's both.

[–]GoGoGadge7 4 points5 points ago

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I once farted directly into my work chair.

Then a girl decided to immediately sit down rather forcefully.

The epic fart plum that rushed upward that engulfed that poor girl made her vomit all over her cardigan.

I had Hallal the previous night, and Indian buffet for lunch. Oh yes.

(Not at my present employer for those watching me at work.)

[–]Deluxx00 2 points3 points ago

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I was actually going across the street from college and I heard my stomach rumble.. farted (you know those ones that decide themselves when they happen?) and there was a girl behind me.. said to myself, "damn, I'm so sorry" :/

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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My father likes to fart as he walks, releasing them sequentially. Except he doesn't give a fuck, especially when we're in public places and there are people walking behind him.

[–]nutano 2 points3 points ago

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Holy shit - I almost shit myself from laughing so hard when I read this one. I printed it out and stuck it on my co-worker's desk for him to see on Monday.

[–]akfalcon 7 points8 points ago

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A while back a fart betrayed me. I got up in the moning, early, too a shower, left for work, early. When I got to the parking lot, right before leaving the car, I farted and sprung a leak. I got out of the car to check myself, and saw a brown streak penetrating my pant leg. I rushed inside, grabbed some paper towels but it was to no avail. I rushed back home to clean myself up, and then I was 35 minutes late for work....

[–]GodOfToads 2 points3 points ago

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Classic air/shit separator failure!

[–]bigroblee 0 points1 point ago

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As you get older the interior O-ring starts to lose some elasticity and can cause infrequent failures in the final separation stage.

[–]kooter149 2 points3 points ago

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Never trust a fart. they will give you a false sense of security. You'd be willing to bet your next paycheck that it is going to be a dry fart...then you end up in a port o potty, throwing your underwear away. No one wants to go commando in jeans.

[–]Backpedal 2 points3 points ago

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Shart attack!

[–]tatumc 2 points3 points ago

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Never, ever, trust a fart.

Ever.

[–]gangy86 3 points4 points ago

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Also bad are the pee farts. You're holding your butt cheeks together to make sure your noxious gases aren't emitted but doing so a tiny bit of pee trickles out.

[–]wanderjahr 1 point2 points ago

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Uhhhhh.....

[–]Gh0stRAT 0 points1 point ago

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How common is this? (I have never heard of it before)

[–]bigboltrules 1 point2 points ago

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Story of my life at work.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I call these over-confidence farts...when you're just too sure it's just a fart.

[–]lemmeth 1 point2 points ago

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The best advice my father ever gave me- 'never trust a fart'

[–]drfilanges 1 point2 points ago

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everybody gambles on a fart and loses, at least once.

[–]smithincanton 1 point2 points ago

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That fine line where a fart becomes a shart

[–]Kryptonik23 1 point2 points ago

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3 rules of Life

1.) Work sets you free. 2.) Love your children. 3.) Never, trust a fart.

[–]whatireallythink 1 point2 points ago

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I failed to find a source for this (don't remember where I learned it), but I think that the nerve endings in the anus can distinguish between gas and solids well enough but can confuse liquid as being gas.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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My anus is a genius!

[–]Qwapz 1 point2 points ago

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Farts aint shit but stenches and skids

[–]zoidbort 0 points1 point ago

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Panic face

[–]HeyFlo 0 points1 point ago

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I work with kids. Kids fart a lot, so I have a kind of built-in fart protection network.

God bless their little hearts (farts?).

[–]deucemcgee 0 points1 point ago

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Made me laugh. Just today at work..I'd been alone for more than an hour, so I thought I'd be safe and let one rip. It was a bit worse than I expected, but I was alone..no biggie. But then 30 seconds later someone comes up to my cubicle area and walking around behind me looking for someone who hasn't been here all day....stupid people.

[–]mad8hatter 0 points1 point ago

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Farts, not even once.

[–]bigstinky 0 points1 point ago

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The story of my life.

[–]pipsqeek 0 points1 point ago

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I farted while reading this thread. It was good.

[–]speedofdark8 0 points1 point ago

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this is the first thing i saw after watching LOTR 3. Well played

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I liked it better with the caption: "I'm started to think I didn't wipe enough."

[–]IrishFarreller -1 points0 points ago

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Congratulations sir you made me log in to give you an upvote, i've avoided that for 5 hours straight