this post was submitted on
990 points (54% like it)
5,771 up votes 4,781 down votes

funny

subscribe2,380,803 readers

21,856 users here now

PLEASE, No posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.


Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

top 200 commentsshow all 256

[–]adrianmonk 188 points189 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

TIL if you smack a garden hose enough times with a shoe(?), you can teach it a lesson.

[–]GAFMisat0 45 points46 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You can teach most things a lesson by smacking it with a shoe.

[–]Affar 58 points59 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Ask Bush

[–]fuckinhell 16 points17 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

No lesson was learned in that instance.

[–]stufff 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Because the shoe didn't connect.

[–]morpheousmarty 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The shoes missed, but the pretzel put the fear of god in him, which was probably a bad move.

[–]Dance_Luke_Dance 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Well played sir....

[–]w1ll1amz 21 points22 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Asia, shoes control everything.

[–]Mrgadgetz 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I wonder what she does when her kids act up.

[–]_danimal 148 points149 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

What is he trying to accomplish?

[–]snacs 124 points125 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

It's hard for us to guess his motivations… certainly he knows it is an inanimate hose, but he slaps it like he is killing a snake. Perhaps he is teaching it a lesson, perhaps it is spiritual, or maybe he was being funny for the video camera.

[–][deleted] 78 points79 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

certainly he knows it is an inanimate hose

This is not certain. People believe in witchcraft.

[–]smarthand 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

And to be fair, the hose is indeed animate.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

He was trippin' Boo. Thought the hose was a snake.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You're an inanimate fuckin' hose!

[–]Pixeleyes 23 points24 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I'm sorry for calling you an inanimate hose. I was upset.

[–]itsableeder 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You take back that bit about my cunt fucking kids.

[–]CatheterJenkins 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

And here I am so used to Arrested Development inside jokes, that I almost missed an In Bruge inside joke.

[–]links_to_your_quote 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]Barksley 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Isn't it technically an animate hose? Not that that justifies this loons behaviour

[–]bobbles 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Yes this is about as animated as a hose can get, an inanimate hose would be more like a coiled hose hanging on a wall somewhere

[–]CellPhoneFlush 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

...waiting

[–]creepypaste 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Great, add garden hoses to the ever-expanding list of things that scare me because of Reddit.

[–]WoollyMittens 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Intimate hose giggle

[–]cfuse 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Maybe he's just totally fucked out of his mind on the good shit.

[–]NexusPrime 21 points22 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

There was probably a bug on the hose. He/she got scared and dropped it and proceeded to try and kill the bug that was sitting on the hose trolling.

[–]tokeyoh 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Good thing it wasn't a spider, then he would've just set it on fire

[–]wckly69 15 points16 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Obviously, he is counting to potato.

[–]shitterplug 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Looks like he smoked a bunch of pot, then tried to wash his car.

[–]mcmurphy1 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You have obviously never smoked pot.

Nobody tries to wash their car after getting high.

[–]Reddiberto 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

He is trying to stop it before it's to late, by that moment half a village was already pregnant...

[–]JackassPenguinass 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

FLUSH ZE PIPES!

[–]bigmouth_strikes 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Realizing that he took his shoe off and had to step in mud in order to accomplish it, it must've been important.

[–]BHSPitMonkey 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

In seriousness, probably trying to pin it down so it stops flailing for long enough to grab. (Grabbing the hose closer to where he's standing would just result in more flailing and water getting farther.)

[–]slack6a66ath 328 points329 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

All I know is the after fap piss.

[–]Clazzy 45 points46 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I'm sorry.

[–]imeanthat 33 points34 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I'm not.

[–]TapDatApp 26 points27 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

He means that.

[–]Kimokik 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

He tapped that.

[–]AphoticSketch 29 points30 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

He beat it with a shoe.

[–]alexunderwater 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Doesn't matter, still fapped!

[–]istiophorus 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

he meant hat

[–]w1ll1amz 26 points27 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

If you piss straight after it HURTS.

[–]a_live_otter 43 points44 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I think post ejaculatory piss feels good.

[–]JustATheoryHere 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

sadomasochistically good...

[–]h0tdawg 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I can't piss at all after sex. My body denies me.. :(

If I wait an hour or so I can. Thought everybody had it like that? Maby somethings wrong with me??? :o

[–]Fix-my-grammar-plz 19 points20 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That's because you are a hotdog.

[–]harryarei 10 points11 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Yeah, probably.

[–]mcmurphy1 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

For some reason I first read that as "I can't piss at all after sex. My buddy denies me.. :("

And I thought "Man, your buddy is a jerk."

[–]AphoticSketch 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Make sure the tank is empty before fapping.

[–]Lampmonster1 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I have a Little trouble getting started right after but no, you're a freak.

[–]Chronolitus 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Same here, but it only lasts for a few minutes. Nothing to worry about.

[–]Leeham721 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

It's supposed to be difficult to piss when you have an erection, there's a two-way valve of sorts in your dick that tries to prevent piss mixing with the semen. If you lose your erection fairly quickly, then you can piss easier.

Plus it will get easier to piss with an erection as you get older and everything starts to stretch and relax.

Do you keep the erection for an hour, or are you soft and still can't go?

This afternoon I managed to pee in about 2 minutes after 40 minutes of sex, but last week I couldn't pee at all and had to leave it for 20 minutes.

[–]blue-yoshi 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Sounds like your "piss-stopper" muscle is still flexing too hard to allow pee through. It has to flex and close the urinary path to be able to allow sex juices to get through. It's like a gate that only lets one type through. You don't want those mixing up. What it sounds like, is that your piss-stopper is still in sex mode, and won't let you piss. It's a muscle, so when it relaxes from either enough time since ejaculating or holding your breath, you'll be able to piss again.

[–]morpheousmarty 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

One time after big night of drinking and sexy time with my lady I went to go piss, and after relieving myself for a few seconds noticed there was no noise. Confused, as I look down and find I had forgotten to take off the condom and it was now a fully functional water balloon.

I defused it carefully and finished the job, but I still find it strange it took so long to notice.

Yeah, I know, cool story bro, but seriously, when will I ever get a chance to tell this story again?

[–]Oaden 9 points10 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

It requires effort but i wouldn't call it painful.

i guess I'll add this to my list of mundane super powers

[–]Louisblack85 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Worst. Superhero. Ever.

[–]biggmclargehuge 5 points6 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

this is terrible! if only Post-Ejaculate Piss Man was here!

[–]Ireon85 30 points31 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The burn, oh my god, the burn...
There's the part mid-fap when you're thinking "I should probably stop now and go pee, or it'll be a problem"
Of course, you continue, and when you go to the bathroom "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!"
Extra points if you were fapping as a last resort to go to sleep, and have to stay up for one hour more to deal with the burning.

[–]El_Weasel 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

This shit is my life; I thought I was one of the only ones. Also happens almost infallibly if I free the prisoners after I've been drinking, be it manually or into a lady.

[–]the_goat_boy 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Free the prisoners! Go!

Lucius is safe. Go to them. You're home.

[–]radio_dead 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

This has happened too many times bro too many times

[–]philip1201 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Fap again and it'll stop.

[–]evinf 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I heard once that it is actually important for you to pee after sex though because it cleans out any remaining semen. Otherwise you can get a UTI or something.

[–]Pixeleyes 11 points12 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

My urethra is usually gummed up right after and it requires massive concentration to pass urine, even if I have to go badly.

[–]blatheringDolt 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Gummed up? You mean the muscles that stop urination during ejaculation don't relax that quickly. If you're 'gummed up' that would mean your semen is like rubber cement or something. Highly unlikely.

[–]Pixeleyes 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I was speaking figuratively.

[–]HilariousScreenname 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

We only speak literally around here, mister.

[–]grommetik 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

i'm a girl and i occasionally experience the same thing too.

[–]tacopenis 37 points38 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

TIL girls secrete semen out their urethra.

[–]grommetik 10 points11 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

haha sorry i wasn't being clear on that! i meant i experience difficulty to pee post orgasm :p

that said though, when we squirt we do secrete a liquid produced by the skene's glands, which the male equivalent of is probably prostatic liquid.

[–]annoying_meme_user 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Bet Skene had fun looking for those glands

[–]grommetik 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

you sir, get an upvote for making me laugh so hard i almost fell out of my chair.

[–]ItsAShpadoinkleDay 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Most relevant username ever?

[–]JackassPenguinass 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You may have a VD - sorry bro!

[–]_Ben 11 points12 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The best name is the 'after jizz wizz'.

[–]JackassPenguinass 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

virgin? Sorry, bro. You will learn soon!

[–]meowmeowmix 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

it hurts, feel like I have to use A LOT of presssure just to take a piss

[–]Keybard 35 points36 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Can somebody explain what the fuck goes on with you guys and your penis when you pee after sex?

I mean, I'm a guy and I've had loads of sex. Mine just works. It's like taking a piss. Sometimes I'll do the sure-fire-squeeze, but I honestly have no idea what you guys are talking about and am very curious. And before anybody says anything, I have great aim.

[–]wanderingwhales 17 points18 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Do you remember, when you were younger, you used your finger to block the drinking fountain so it sprayed at your friends? Like that.

[–]Keybard 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Oh, you guys.

Squeeze and twist gently, works every time. ;)

[–]LORDJEW_VAN_CUNTFUCK 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Squeeze and twist gently

What the fuck.

[–]eyecite 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Great, now there's piss on the ceiling.

[–][deleted] ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]pukestainsdaily 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

the snake tongue stream is the worst

[–]yourmomsleftleg 16 points17 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Same here. I never get those boner-piss joke. I can't even piss with an erection and afaik thats how its supposed to be. The line is automatically blocked like the streets are for some very important politician or the pope...

[–]drmoo66 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I can pee with an erection, I'm just not a fan of golden showers.

[–]Aviator 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]sevenofk9 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I'll help you out, I'm assuming you are circumcised. Generally, after sex, your foreskin can be shifted/stuck out of place (especially if 'juices' are allowed to dry etc, ahem) making your steam of urine unpredictable at best. i.e. It's affected by the hole/uretha being covered/partially blocked.

There is a scene in Me, Myself and Irene where the guy doesn't know/remember he had sex until the next morning when he goes to pee. Cracked me up, the rest of the cinema didn't seem to get it.

[–]monkeyme 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I'm uncircumcised and I definitely don't suffer from this problem. Moreover, I learned before I even hit puberty that you should pull the foreskin back when peeing so this sort of thing can't happen.

[–]TheLoveKraken 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

As far as I can tell, the only upside to circumcision is that you don't have to deal with expectedly pissing at a 90 degree angle barefoot.

[–]anacrolix 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

the smug feeling that you got a sex joke, and then self awareness when you realise you're the only one laughing.

i always think: oh shit, am i the only one that got it, or is it rude to be laughing right now?

MAYBE THEY KNOW

[–]JRose11 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Dried semen in your urethra.

[–]monkeyme 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You have to keep in mind that 95% of Redditors are virgins. So they hear some crap myth about sex and slowly it becomes "truth". They also believed that breasts feel like bags of sand until they watched the 40-year old Redditor movie.

[–]micahi21 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Know how if you put your thumb over the nozzle of a hose you can create a broad semi-predictable yet very broad spray or split the flow into two streams? Basically, that is what happens to some of us. We don't get a stream, we get a spray and it is really, really annoying. Sometimes I get a split stream that defies all logic and other times I get a stream that just kind of oscillates no matter how steady or still I hold the equipment. I call it "shotgun piss" because I can never tell where a specific drop might go, only the general direction it was supposed to travel. For this reason I have to take my first post-sexi-time piss sitting down unless I go to the bathroom within five minutes or so. If I go to the bathroom immediately after finishing (which is kind of rude - "thanks babe! That was awesome. Gotta piss now") I am generally immune to this effect.

[–]Eurynom0s 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Seriously? You've never had to deal with waiting for the piping to switch back?

There's two main problems here. If you try to piss right after blowing your load your dick is still hard as a rock. Then, even if you manage to adjust your aim, you have to deal with an unpredictable urine flow.

[–]anothergaijin 23 points24 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I was hoping for the "Me Myself & Irene" scene :(

[–]stoneshwar 45 points46 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You, yourself and urine.

[–]gfixler 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

"Why am I peeing like I had sex all night!?"

[–]pleasedammit 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]superawesomeid 10 points11 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I am relieved. I thought i was the only one who beat down my hose with shoes while holding it with my hand.

[–]kgst 8 points9 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I hate images like this because I just want to know the context so badly. Is this the man's first interaction with a hose? Is he on drugs? Is this is from someone's independent comedy film? I need to know!

[–]hapns 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Split pee stream woes.

[–]JRose11 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I sing this song every time. [NSFW, Cartoon Penis]

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

What the fuck man

[–]BrianAllred 13 points14 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I couldn't stop laughing.

[–]supah 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

my ass is laughed off :D

[–]DiggingNoMore 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Well, laugh it back on.

[–]SailorShark 18 points19 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I love how she smacks it twice even after grabbing it.

[–]oDannyBoy 14 points15 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

teaching it a lesson. "don't fuck with me anymore"

[–]ahmed_alamir 25 points26 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

she?

[–]Theopeo1 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I thought it looked like an african woman in a white dress, but now I see it is a male in a white tank top and shorts.

[–]Affar 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

he is still high.

[–]xyroclast 6 points7 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Can we get a source on the vid? It seems like he thinks the hose is a snake.

Here's the vid. It adds absolutely nothing to the comprehension of this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_82fJo0P_E

[–]demonicneon 4 points5 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Post-fap FTFY

[–]_Ben 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

After jizz wizz, removes any confusion

[–]reddit_user13 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That's why I stick to the during sex piss.

[–]omplatt 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I don't have this problem because I'm an adult and I can hold my pee or I can have the foresight to piss before sexy times.

[–][deleted] ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]tmw3000 135 points136 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Yeah, what a bitch!

You only pissed all over her bathroom, and let her clean it up.

You're just a real stand up guy.

[–]play3393 142 points143 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Maybe he should have been a real sit down guy and none of this would have happened.

[–]essenn 22 points23 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

AWWWWWWWWWW SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT

[–]YannisNeos 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Nope! When I site down and my dong is still up I manage to piss between the toilet and the seat..... just under the seat..... and piss strickles slowly down.

[–]backtoaster 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Have you tried the tuck-turn? Instead of forcing your dick down-forward, turn it down sideways like a door handle. Tuck it under your thigh, press them together and you are safe to go. Do this sitting down on the toilet. It might hurt a bit.

[–][deleted] ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]meliaesc 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Wow, you had sex with the second girl you'd ever slept with after a few days at 16? Then soaked her carpet with piss? Really man? Wow.

[–][deleted] ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[deleted]

[–]sevenofk9 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Hardcore.

[–]tmw3000 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I just found it funny that you called her a bitch.

[–]Moses2112 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

That rug really tied the room together...

[–]kerowack 7 points8 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

FYI to answer why: to keep your feet warm.

[–]porh 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

dm;hs

[–]drmoo66 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

How the fuck do you ruin a rug with piss?

[–]CapitanObviousYo 12 points13 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

i like how he used his shoe to smack it like its a snake or something

[–]alisdairr 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

you should wait awhile after ejaculating to pee.

[–]dioxholster 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

This does happen to me sometimes after masturbation I mean I mean sex, sex everyday with people who are not me, obviously.

[–]strangeapple 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Whew. I thought I was the only one slapping my dick with a sandal while taking a wee.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I like the part where he tries to hit it with his shoe.

[–]verik 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I feel you man. I beat my penis with a shoe after sex too.

[–]lawnessd 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

This might be the funniest shit I've ever seen on this site. I can't quit laughing. Thanks!

[–]the-knife 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I'm pretty sure that guy is mentally retarded.

[–]Siktrikshot 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

People smack their penis with a shoe after pissing??? Seems...messy.

[–]JaysonthePirate 3 points4 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Shower piss. Problem solved. .

[–]Solidbob 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Considering I just took a brutal one off my back deck that this image perfectly describes, I can't upvote enough.

[–]AwwYea 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Bad hose, bad!

[–]hippity_dippity123 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I've never not laughed at that gif

Update: Just thinking of it does the trick

[–]rac3r5 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

On a serious note, does anyone know why this happens?

[–]marvin42 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I think that's not water but fuel or something and he's trying to extinguish any sparkles that are created from the attrition of the hose (made of plastic).

[–]Miller369 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

dude I am sitting at work and almost pissed my pants laughing

[–]Exl 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]Lemme_Axe_You 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Have you considered sitting down for the after sex piss?

[–]fofo13 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Still waiting for the scientific explanation.

[–]FlimtotheFlam 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Something worst than this happened to me yesterday. My pee split perfectly into a V so I missed on both sides of the toilet.

[–]Sinister_D 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

What is this "sex" you speak of?

[–]MrBleedingFingers 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

wow. that's exactly what i do to my penis when pissing after sex.. Keeps the std's away

[–]pics-or-didnt-happen 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

For the benefit of the women in the audience, guys also call this the "I-waited-too-long-to-piss-after-sex-and-now-the-tip-of-my-dick-is-glued-shut-with-cum-residue-resulting-in-an-unpredictable-and-varying-trajectory" piss.

[–]pmjm 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The hose is actually a leash for a super-strong breed of invisible cockroach.

[–]Krellyn 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Just thinking about that one scene in Me, Myself, and Irene.

[–]Nenor 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

What the fuck is that retard really doing?

[–]Hey_Im_Joe 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

More like gardening at [8]

[–]swervmerv 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Too bad half the people who upvoted this were virgins

[–]shneven 2 points3 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You guys have weird after sex piss...nevermind, this is Reddit; that means no sex.

[–]Javalanche1 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

(sigh), the after fap piss.

[–]TheLastCzar[S] 1 point2 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Front page over night! Reading the hilarious responses now. Thanks reddit!

[–]runfromtheraptor 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I don't get why he's trying to slap it... that just makes more of a mess.

[–]Roscoe_P_Trolltrain 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Is he trying to kill the hose?

[–]mknyan 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Hahaha, that guy slapping the hose with his sandals made me "lol" in this context.

[–]so4h2 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Related: so i was in this all-girl apartment and went to the toilet. It wasnt after sex piss, unfortunately, but regular nature call. Then while on full delivery, the lid falls down suddenly and before I process the situation, I find miself in the middle of a complete mess, triying to abort piss/clean things/saywhat_the_hell. Finally, when I went out I decided to confess, to big laugther of the girls.

[–]wanderingwhales 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Possibly the most accurate representation I've seen.

[–]RAANT 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Like pissing with morning wood

[–]wordprodigy 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

talk about beating your hose

[–]ok_you_win 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

The hoose! The hoose! ach! Shut off the noozle!

[–]Thats_an_RDD 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Haha the title really makes this one

[–]eyeofmine79 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Damn that was funny, but not to be confused with the morning piss

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I never got this.

I have pretty regular sex (married), oftentimes pee afterwards, and NEVER have issues.

Can someone explain this to me like I'm 5 because it seems like I'm doing it wrong (right?)

[–]mistermog 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

w...w...why do you hit it?

[–]animusvoxx 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Laughed so goddamn hard. just had one of those, had to have both hands on deck.

[–]JonesBee 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

What the hell is he doing with that sandal. Just put your hand on the ground and grab.

[–]Booty_Juice 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Ahhh... the post-coital piss stream... Which way will it go? Who knows! That's the fun of it!

[–]Ski360spin 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Raw dog and bail.

[–]DRTYRYDR686 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Hahahahahahaha why is he trying to hit it with his sandle!?

[–]mtme 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Mine always burn. Picture that but with fire

[–]pseudo-bear 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

While it may appear that this chap is slapping away at random, he isn't. I opened this gif right after I did on the video in this thread and had a hearty chuckle as he appeared to be slapping in time. Pro drummer at work, people.

[–]a_few 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

you're going to kill it!

[–]like9mexicans 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

This easily made my day. Between the random spray patterns and waiting 5 minutes over the toilet for your urethra to switch gears, that shit is the worst.

[–]Potchi79 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Ah yes, the one wherein I try to hit my penis with a shoe.

[–]xolieo 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I wouldn't know. I pee sitting down.

[–]sydeia 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I like how she keeps whacking the hose with her shoe even when she has it under control.

[–]keyrah 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Can a male explain this please?

[–]80sTan 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Ah yes, the three pronged stream of hate.

[–]Take_Boat 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Ugh, you don't ever want to push past the boner valve, especially when it is still a little clogged.

[–]geganerd3 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

omg if you watch it with this playing it's even better http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrdwhXNt4qw

[–]brunkerd 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I like to call it Snake Tongue.

[–]itscocotime 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

i can't stop laughing.

[–]Nick2the4reaper7 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I can't describe how hard I laughed at this.

[–]devilinmyhead 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

ewww what? ive def never experienced this..

[–]tiontheone 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I have never had anything unusual happen during a post-coital pee. This and that scene from Me, Myself & Irene confuse me to no end. What is my body not doing that everyone else's is?

[–]Boggster 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

more like after fap

[–]Scrumdiddlyumptious1 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

Why come it didn't spray in two directions?

[–]sneetch 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

You have sex with a garden hose?