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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]roomtone 113 points114 points ago

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The answer is 2. No... really. Now you know how I learned to cook pasta for two.

[–]cockofdoodie 49 points50 points ago

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You're a genius. If I could do this at least once with my penis, I can measure all my meals relative to my own girth. You just saved me 10 bucks. Now... who wants to let me borrow their spaghetti measurer?

[–]back2square1 59 points60 points ago

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Done. But first change your name to cockofnoodle.

[–]blindpyro 18 points19 points ago

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Better yet, new unit of measurement: a cock of noodles.

[–]cockofdoodie 8 points9 points ago

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Eww. That's disgusting. I'm fine thanks....weirdo ಠ_ಠ

[–]Volatar 1 point2 points ago

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You will end up eating more in the summer than in the winter.

[–]melborp11 13 points14 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]aconcernedconsumer 23 points24 points ago

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Admit it. He's brilliant.

[–]BloodyPancakeSyrup 7 points8 points ago

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quite

[–]tattoogrl 323 points324 points ago

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I actually own one of those, however because I'm a girl I can only use it for measuring spaghetti :(

[–]lord_nougat 506 points507 points ago

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I'll let you measure mine if you let me measure yours

...uh, or something.

[–]woodtopdec 95 points96 points ago

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I'm looking forward to the spin-off porn film where a handyman calls over to fix a young, large-breasted woman's broken spaghetti counter....

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points ago

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Am I the only one who thinks it'd be interesting to see a porn where the bored, lonely, mechanically-incompetent man is assisted by a young, large-breasted-but-capable woman? I don't see why porn has to be so sexist...

[–]codeexcited 29 points30 points ago

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Because most porn is targeted at men, and most men would like to consider themselves capable.

[–]Among_the_fallen 8 points9 points ago

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Yup, I'm completely certain I could fix a car. If I wanted to...

[–]conaan 22 points23 points ago

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If video gaming has taught me anything, just hit it with wrench.

[–]EbolaPie 6 points7 points ago

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SPAH SAPPIN MAH okay, I guess I should admit it now, I don't know the names of anything under my hood. I could totally learn if I wanted to though. Yeah.

[–]TheLobotomizer 1 point2 points ago

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Air + fuel + spark = Running engine

Everything else just aids the process.

[–]HyruleanHero1988 4 points5 points ago

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A capable woman would be really hot.

[–]SanguineHaze 35 points36 points ago

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[–]SinisterFrogLegs 4 points5 points ago

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Also known as..."How many people can I feed with one finger?"

[–]meesebyte 12 points13 points ago

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Should I click it? >.<

[–]raptosaurus 44 points45 points ago

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No, it's a disgusting CP pic

[–]Oh_Those_Comments 18 points19 points ago

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NO! It's so sick, it's not even worth opening.

[–]naranjas 5 points6 points ago

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Or he ends up breaking the spaghetti counter. Either way ...

[–]dobthe1st 8 points9 points ago

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Rule 34?

[–]Flanders_J 226 points227 points ago

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swish

[–]tokomini 112 points113 points ago

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And boom goes the dynamite.

[–]bshine 4 points5 points ago

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Oh that's nastay.

[–]bittered 1 point2 points ago

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[–]brycedriesenga 1 point2 points ago

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Stupid sexy Flanders.

[–]a_priest_and_a_rabbi 7 points8 points ago

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Smooth McPimp.

[–]soupahkoopah 9 points10 points ago

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It must be really weird having a penis.

[–]SinisterFrogLegs 10 points11 points ago

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[–]producer35 16 points17 points ago

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That would feed approximately 11 people.

[–]skotia 1 point2 points ago

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For a month.

[–]249ba36000029bbe9749 4 points5 points ago

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It must be really weird having a penis in one of those spaghetti measuring things.

FTFY

[–]Assaultman67 1 point2 points ago

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Only when you get really drunk and stick it in a jar of peanut butter.

[–]MtHammer 1 point2 points ago

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I'm not gonna lie. It's pretty great.

[–]DWells55 5 points6 points ago

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Suave as hell.

[–]thatsgreat2345 86 points87 points ago

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Too bad it doesn't close all the way, you could stick it in your vagina and it could be like a gate.

[–]aprildh08 109 points110 points ago

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Bahahaha. I want this to happen, and if a guy ever lowers his standards enough to sleep with me, he will immediately regret it as I shout "You shall not pass!"

[–]DWells55 99 points100 points ago

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if a guy ever lowers his standards enough to sleep with me

This attitude is not helping you.

[–]aprildh08 47 points48 points ago

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Don't I know it.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]aprildh08 59 points60 points ago

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We have to wait 5-7 business days.

[–]jcroucher56 81 points82 points ago

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Do you know how many business days I've been waiting? 5-7 is a walk in the park.

[–]floppypick 10 points11 points ago

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I expect an update about you 2 sleeping together in 5-7 business days.

[–]SquirtleNZ 6 points7 points ago

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I'd do you, as long as you're not a ginger.

[–]aprildh08 22 points23 points ago

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Aww, how sweet ಠ_ಠ

[–]Assaultman67 5 points6 points ago

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Woah, I've seen plenty of hot gingers. I think you're being too picky.

[–]RadicalMuslim 10 points11 points ago

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Low self esteem issues? What a coincidence, I have a bunch of my own!

[–]MolokoPlusPlus 2 points3 points ago

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he will immediately regret it as I shout "You shall not pass!"

Probably not helping either.... but funny enough to be worth it.

[–]PtP_Pluto 6 points7 points ago

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Honestly, my nerdy ways would probably be turned on by something like that...

[–]unifawn 8 points9 points ago

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Vagina dentata much?

[–]SinisterFrogLegs 1 point2 points ago

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....Unless you can feed a family of four!

[–]lasagnahog 1 point2 points ago

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[–]donutmancuzco 25 points26 points ago

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" Requesting permision to dock in bay 3"

[–]JediExile 12 points13 points ago

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It could be like the Iris from Stargate SG1.

[–]Electrorocket 2 points3 points ago

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What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

[–]bs_novelty_account 3 points4 points ago

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Or other guys' dicks

[–]saiditreddit 3 points4 points ago

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Because if you were a man, you'd use it to chop off your penis.

[–]TheoQ99 2 points3 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]ZeMoose 1 point2 points ago

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You could measure it indirectly by measuring the size of the largest dick that will fit inside.

[–]Ranlier 1 point2 points ago

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You already have something similar for measuring the size of cocks.

[–]ridik_ulass 1115 points1116 points ago

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scientists , after much deliberation have finally agreed the joke "what is the difference between a pizza and a black man" has been proven to be grossly inaccurate, as newly developed measuring instruments clearly show a black man can in fact feed a family of four

[–]Leezus 380 points381 points ago

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I don't get where people get this idea that a pizza can feed four people.

A pizza can feed a family of me.

[–]shoguntom 44 points45 points ago

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On the same note, it's kind of depressing when you completely consume anything labeled as "family size" in one sitting.

[–]peepeesoakedheckhole 22 points23 points ago

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[–]IMasturbateToMyself 94 points95 points ago

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I don't eat as much as you. A pizza can feed a family of high me.

[–]precursormar 68 points69 points ago

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A family of Jaime?

[–]garthock 28 points29 points ago

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I think he meant a family of hymen.

[–]BloodyPancakeSyrup 53 points54 points ago

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abandon conversation

[–]padreick 15 points16 points ago

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Your name frightens and confuses me.

[–]PhilxBefore 1 point2 points ago

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Boysenberry?

[–]Boysenberry 6 points7 points ago

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Hmm?

[–]Oraln 6 points7 points ago

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So when an interrogator tells them "I'll break you" does it come with a new connotation?

[–]ohmygodbees 3 points4 points ago

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chicago style pizza can feed 4

[–]PeeBagger 2 points3 points ago

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Two for a large Gino's cheese. Good thing my house had two bathrooms at the time.

[–]SquirrelOnFire 2 points3 points ago

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Dude. Chicago style. If you can down a whole large Chicago style deep dish... well, then I'll mail you another one.

[–][deleted] 547 points548 points ago

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As long as the family is alright with eating dark meat.

[–]antifolkhero 75 points76 points ago

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Ah, dark meat pasta.

[–]Unrelated_Gif 176 points177 points ago

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[–]rabbidpanda 122 points123 points ago

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Got me. I was like, "What? Is he saying the joke failed? It fell apart? Someone missed the joke and it just smashed apart?" And then I was like, "Oh, I know... that fucker."

[–]Batman_Von_Suparman2 23 points24 points ago

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It's related somehow. I don't how it's related it just is..

[–]Caturday_Yet 6 points7 points ago

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She.

[–]GooglesYourUsername 14 points15 points ago

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[–]apa240 4 points5 points ago

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While that may be interesting, I think seeing what's under your mask is better.

[–]chiriuy 12 points13 points ago

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Link the video as well, it is awesome in case someone hasn't seen it yet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfDoQwIAaXg

[–]rmcsc 1 point2 points ago

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Can't believe I just watched ten minutes of bullets hitting walls, glass and ballistics gel. Dear lord, best used ten minutes today.

[–]sociocidal 1 point2 points ago

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You again... I commend your commitment.....

[–]tagbadger 1 point2 points ago

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Why didn't I see this coming?

[–]krazbobeans 93 points94 points ago

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Theresa looked down at the glass in front of her. The drink was a thick pink liquid with whipped cream. "Go ahead" said the doctor, "It's not drugged..." She gave her head a quick jolt "no" as she continued trembling in her chair. "Don't make me use these again" said the man through his teeth as he grabbed a long pair of medical tongs from the tray. She began crying and finally said "okay" as she reluctantly placed the glass to her lips and gave it as quick of a chug as fast as she could. Afterwards she gagged and sobbed for about five minutes until the doctor inserted a tiny spoon in his lower right eyelid. She watched in disgust as he slid the cup into his socket under the eyeball. "Seconds?" he asked as he popped out the eye itself and leaned over her glass, filling it with another helping of pink goo.

[–]OleSlappy 70 points71 points ago

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What did I just read?

[–]KallistiEngel 44 points45 points ago

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Rumor has it krazbobeans went bonkers a while back. All of his comments are things like this now, but he wasn't always that way.

[–]OleSlappy 9 points10 points ago

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Thanks for making me read them all... I will just assume that is Stephen King.

[–]ThatFuh_Qr 1 point2 points ago

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It's all part of a story that he is writing his way through with different comments.... its called the land of ashes, and if you stroll through comment history it's actually a pretty interesting read.

[–]walawalabeans 26 points27 points ago

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Why? Just... why?

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago

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Dude, what the fuck?

[–]econleech 7 points8 points ago

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I feel that I have exceed my reddit quota today...

[–]jackcatalyst 4 points5 points ago

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The. Fuck?

[–]imasleep78 12 points13 points ago

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[–]insatiable_c 2 points3 points ago

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favorite novelty account ever.

[–]GooglesYourUsername 8 points9 points ago

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[–]eboyd92 4 points5 points ago

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Wat

[–]temporary_acount 4 points5 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]glmox 3 points4 points ago

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I love you so much.

[–]BloodyPancakeSyrup 16 points17 points ago

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dick

[–]randomned 17 points18 points ago

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In the context of this conversation, your name is very disturbing.

[–]seagramsextradrygin 9 points10 points ago*

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In the context of that comic I read on reddit this morning about the little girl who gets raped by her father and then her brother makes her eat pancakes with syrup to tease her.. sorry, what were we talking about? That shit was depressing.

for reference: comic, reddit thread

[–]twoworldsin1 12 points13 points ago

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Welp, that's gonna be one that /r/shitredditsays is gonna have a field day with...

[–]Gareth321 31 points32 points ago

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That subreddit is a joke. It's nothing but a megaphone for hate-filled feminists intent on demonizing the male sex and gender. Here's an example of one of the moderators discussing her beliefs about straight men.

[–]twoworldsin1 52 points53 points ago

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I'm originally from the Something Awful Forums. Back in the day we had a subforum that was pretty much the same thing, called Laissez' Faire. It was supposed to be some kind of a political-oriented "anything goes" subforum, which turned into a pretty standard "let's make fun of dumb-ass conservative beliefs" subforum, which turned into a self-hating, nearly-psychotic "fuck America, kill all white people, let the revolution run bloody" subforum, which was closed once the admins kept getting subpoened from the Secret Service and FBI about LF making death threats against the president and various members of Congress.

I kinda see the same thing here happening with /r/shitredditsays--it'll become a witch-hunt tribunal, then a trolling ground, then finally it'll devour itself. Reddit's just going through the same phase that SA did at some point. Reddit's much like SA in that it's mostly populated by anti-social geeky 20-something males who spend a lot of time hanging out with other geeky guys and not as many girls, but who also identify as politically liberal and socially progressive and tolerant at the same time. That kind of cognitive dissonance eventually kicks in, and when it does, it usually manifests as the same kind of self-hating, ultra-self-conscious meta-ironic humor you're seeing on there.

[–]AsAChemicalEngineer 4 points5 points ago

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mostly populated by anti-social geeky 20-something males who spend a lot of time hanging out with other geeky guys and not as many girls, but who also identify as politically liberal and socially progressive and tolerant at the same time.

This is one of those times I look out the window to make sure no one is spying and trying to mess with me.

Anyway, can you point out the cognitive dissonance that this type of person (i.e me) is afflicted with? One of the hallmarks of dissonance among reasonable people is they truly do not see it unless it is spelling out in front of them.

If it exists I want to know about it. :)

[–]twoworldsin1 2 points3 points ago

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I point it out because I'm aware of it in myself. I try to be pretty tolerant and in favor of equal rights and stuff like that. I think that guys being chavinist and macho and sexist is kinda bullshit. I think slut-shaming is stupid and anti-productive because, well, I'm a young guy that loves sex, and I'm kind of a slut myself.

But it wasn't always that way. I spent, and still do spend, a LOT of time on the Internet, mostly commiserating with like-minded Internet males who, like me, are convinced that the source of many of our problems are girls who reject us, make us feel like shit, and eventually turn us into bitter forever alones. I think gender equality is pretty cool. But from my perspective, when girls have the kind of social power to make a whole lot of lonely Internet guys feel like shit because you told them to fuck off...honestly, in my perspective it seems that women have a lot more power socially than they claim to have. Lots of girls say that they feel like part of a powerless minority that's been made subservient by the media and stuff like that, but then they turn around and make well-intentioned guys feel bad by calling us creeps, which in turn makes US feel angry and bitter, which usually manifests as misogynist comments on 4chan or Reddit or whatever. And yet, these same websites and forums have been populated by guys who tend to see themselves as pretty liberal.

tl;dr: I guess I assume a lot of stuff about my fellow Redditors and Internet people, but it's mostly the same thinking process that goes on in my head. I don't want to be misogynist, but being a virgin until I was 26 has made me bitter and frustrated with women, and that's how that comes out.

[–]smooshie 14 points15 points ago

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I kinda see the same thing here happening with /r/shitredditsays

There's a good reason for that, a lot of the ShitRedditSays crew are Something Awful members. Same bunch of PC Police who lobbied against r/jailbait. IMO they should go back to their own shit website instead of meddling in other peoples' because of a smug sense of superiority.

[–]twoworldsin1 18 points19 points ago

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I guess I'm sorta seeing a pattern between how LF developed on SA and how SRS developed here. They're self-hating Internet nerds who operate by pointing out the systematic bias in a male-dominated Internet community, then fall over themselves in a mass outpouring of seething self-loathing.

Places like 4chan, SA, and Reddit have traditionally been places to share humor at the expense of others. That's how comedy works--we laugh at the way some people are or the way some people act, and it will inevitably be exclusionary to some group or subculture of people--black people, Christians, conservatives, women, blondes, people who stuff parrots up their ass during sex, or whatever. Humor isn't politically correct. That's pretty much it.

[–]MrBaz 11 points12 points ago

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The funniest part is how the hecklers got tagged as "sexist" and "shitposter"

[–]Even_on_Reddit_FOE 6 points7 points ago

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With Mod powers comes Mod irresponsibility.

[–]RogerDerpstein 3 points4 points ago

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I achieved lazy shitposter ranking!

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points ago

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I hate that subreddit, but we shouldn't reduce our critique of them down to "hate-filled feminists." They're just generally oversensitive assholes.

[–]Barboski 15 points16 points ago

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What I've noticed on Reddit.

  • Someone mentions /r/shitredditsays.
  • Someone gives an example of how its full of hate-filled feminists.
  • I continue to wonder where this whole joke got started.

[–]ukcsrmqe33 3 points4 points ago

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[–]FeministHagsInc 23 points24 points ago*

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Dear Reddit User,

Your comment has been targeted by the feminist downvote brigade known as r/SRS for offending their very delicate sensitivities.

Please do not be alarmed by the abundance of sandy vagina comments that are upvoted here, that seems to be a common side-effect of their downvote brigade passing through.

If you want to return the downvotes or waste a little time laughing at how stupid feminists are, they can be found here: http://www.reddit.com/r/ShitRedditSays/

-PSA

[–]ComradeRoba 4 points5 points ago

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You're doing God's work

[–]ridik_ulass 7 points8 points ago

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Thank you good sir

[–]SOhp101 151 points152 points ago

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Didn't realize other redditors' dicks expanded when tossed in boiling water.

[–]lord_nougat 139 points140 points ago

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I guess it sort of makes sense, considering the effect really cold water has...

[–]aaronrenoawesome 25 points26 points ago

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But then it would become much limper.

[–]lord_nougat 44 points45 points ago

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They plump when you cook em?

[–]tidux 61 points62 points ago

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Vaginas are hot and wet, so yes.

[–]jabb0 7 points8 points ago

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Limper? I have never known of such.

[–]Gustomaximus 1 point2 points ago

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Hopefully no more than al dente

[–]Antrix32 23 points24 points ago

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Does it cut too? because god damn,if he did it, and slipped...

[–]TheAdAgency 16 points17 points ago

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...he'd better have some water on the boil lest it go to waste.

[–]daminox 1 point2 points ago

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On the boil I say!

[–]DigitalEvil 53 points54 points ago

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The next version of this will feature a convenient slicing blade to allow you to pick the length of pasta you want.

[–]skaterape 48 points49 points ago

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Why is "pasta" italicized? Is it some enhanced form of pasta?

[–]tokomini 128 points129 points ago

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Well pasta is from Italy, so maybe it should always be italicized.

[–]folieadeux 18 points19 points ago

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[–]reptomin 1 point2 points ago

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I hate you.

[–]donutmancuzco 21 points22 points ago

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He means dick

[–]fido5150 4 points5 points ago

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Which I hope doesn't resemble pasta.

[–]theangriestbird 2 points3 points ago

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He means italian sausage

[–]cynognathus 6 points7 points ago

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It's Italian.

[–]fanboy_killer 2 points3 points ago

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And the next one will feature a camera!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Hm... I don't see how it will be accurate then

[–]VoiceofJonBenjamin 28 points29 points ago

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So by this logic, if I measured the circumference of my poops, I could see how many people it would feed...

Kinda don't want to know that information.

[–]TheAdAgency 10 points11 points ago

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The answer is 3, now you must live with this knowledge every-time you have a bowel movement.

[–]justthewind 1 point2 points ago

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Well, that depends on the number of girls, and the number of cups.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points ago

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Note to self: do not buy one of these used.

[–]Happy-Fappy 22 points23 points ago

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About time someone said it!

ʘ‿ʘ

[–]IMasturbateToMyself 26 points27 points ago

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You look happy... is it time to... fappy?

[–]Happy-Fappy 18 points19 points ago

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Better believe it, fap friend!

ʘ‿ʘ

[–]IMasturbateToMyself 17 points18 points ago

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ʘ‿ʘ

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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ʘ‿ʘ
ʘ ʘ
/).(\
( Y)
(l l)
¨¨¨¨

[–]BloodyPancakeSyrup 1 point2 points ago

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ooooooohhh

[–]DisplacedLeprechaun 100 points101 points ago

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I guess I'm unique, because I feel comfortable in my penis size that I honestly wanted to get this so I could make pasta without making waaaaay too goddamn much.

EDIT: Waaaaaay too goddamn much... like mah dick! AMIRITE?!

EDIT2: I didn't write that. Who the hell is logged into my account?

EDIT3: Your stupid.

EDIT 4: It's you're. I'm changing my passwords to everything.

[–]Mclarenf1905 82 points83 points ago

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THERE IS NO *, IT NEVER HAPPENED

[–]derleth 25 points26 points ago

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THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

[–]TheLoveKraken 13 points14 points ago

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Dog.

[–]safariplanet 1 point2 points ago

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Dog here?

[–]ENTertain_Me 1 point2 points ago*

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WHO, WAS THE NAME OF THE PHONE.

[–]EetsGeets 3 points4 points ago

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If all of this happened in under a minute (I think it's a minute) then the asterisk wouldn't show up.

[–]MendelssohnSansHats 17 points18 points ago

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Well now everyone knows that your passwords are "everything"! That's not very secure.

[–]Quate 49 points50 points ago

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Upvoting this solely for the conversation with yourself.

[–]BloodyPancakeSyrup 1 point2 points ago

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internet gem

[–]afraidoftheirs 6 points7 points ago

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Something tells me that reddit would not appreciate a big dick joke right now.

[–]donutmancuzco 10 points11 points ago

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[–]girlvanized 6 points7 points ago

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At first I thought this device was also supposed to CHOP and I got the WORST mental image ever.

[–]donutmancuzco 4 points5 points ago

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[–]LebanesePrincess 4 points5 points ago

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"Honey, we need to talk..." pulls out that thing

[–]blingwad 10 points11 points ago

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So do we assume one adult equals two children or is there a separate measurement for that?

[–]turlian 15 points16 points ago

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What year did you graduate from Penn State?

[–]xchrisxsays 1 point2 points ago

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It's called the Sandusky Measurement

[–]bquintb 9 points10 points ago

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You see? Right here. Someone invents something useful and here comes the internet....

This is exactly why we can't have nice things.

[–]farceur318 2 points3 points ago

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[–]doctorshevil 4 points5 points ago

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LOL -- I used to estimate how much pasta to make for my ex-husband and me by putting my hand around enough spaghetti to make it the same width as his girth. No joke -- worked every time.

[–]dbousias 5 points6 points ago

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FEED ALL THE PEOPLE!

[–]forbiddenphoenix 3 points4 points ago

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Well since there is a semen cookbook, apparently...why not?

[–]fido5150 2 points3 points ago

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There's something inherently wrong about that.

When I see semen, the last thing I would ever think is "I bet that would be great on a souffle"

Edit: clarity. It definitely needed it.

[–]LebanesePrincess 1 point2 points ago

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A perfect Christmas present for that one slutty friend everyone has.

[–]jabb0 3 points4 points ago

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11

[–]ohmanitsdan 4 points5 points ago

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dinner for four peop.............. who am i kidding. Dinner for 1/2 a person.

[–]roadbuzz 2 points3 points ago

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The one simple rule of being a man: if it has a hole, put your dick in it.

[–]Boxxz 12 points13 points ago

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Where does one buy said device? You know, for science.

[–]neoncp 8 points9 points ago

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Somebody give this man a grant, there's science to be done.

[–]farceur318 3 points4 points ago

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I feel like as long as rich old white guys are in charge of the national budget, there will always be grants available for dick science.

[–]Speedtarzanjujitsu 2 points3 points ago

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I really didn't think of that, but that comment is worth the $19.99.

[–]BlinkTeen 6 points7 points ago

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(Weight of penis+ Girth) / (angle of penis or "yaw") = adjusted penis size, or TMI

[–]jesuisauxchiottes 6 points7 points ago

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I offered this thing to my sister once. Now I feel dirty.

[–]WizardCap 20 points21 points ago

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Did it make her feel... full?

[–]gattacasd 2 points3 points ago

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go on...

[–]stealthshadow 1 point2 points ago

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Something something Prof. Oak

[–]jeblis 1 point2 points ago

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Ouch! Looks like it would pinch.

[–]randomcommentman 1 point2 points ago

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Spagetti is made from trees

[–]SanguineHaze 1 point2 points ago

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Well, I actually wasn't thinking that... but I sure am now!

[–]Redcard911 1 point2 points ago

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I wasn't thinking that.

[–]YupThatsADouche 1 point2 points ago

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Annnnd this is why I laugh whenever I see Redditors complain about Tumblr stealing old memes from Reddit.

[–]rockmyballs 1 point2 points ago

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sooo many bad visions going through my head when i think of putting things that aren't spaghetti through there. imagine explaining that one to your doctor