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all 16 comments

[–]HitMeUpGranny 9 points10 points ago

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you probably already know this, but there was another gospel that told the story of jesus fighting dragons. needless to say it was not made part of the canon, but it's just as credible as the gospels in the bible, which is to say not at all.

[–]SometimesATroll 5 points6 points ago

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Wasn't that in the infancy gospel of Thomas? I'm pretty sure that's also the one where he kills a bunch of children for no good reason.

[–]digitaljeff51 2 points3 points ago

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what are you talking about they stepped on a homies sandles

[–]bogan 1 point2 points ago

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Yes, he does kill other boys in The Infancy Gospel of Thomas

II. 1 On a certain day when there had fallen a shower of rain he went forth of the house where his mother was and played upon the ground where the waters were running: and he made pools, and the waters flowed down, and the pools were filled with water. Then saith he: I will that ye become clean and wholesome waters. And straightway they did so. 2 But a certain son of Annas the scribe passed by bearing a branch of willow, and he overthrew the pools with the branch, and the waters were poured out. And Jesus turned about and said unto him: O ungodly and disobedient one, what hurt have the pools done thee that thou hast emptied them? Thou shalt not finish thy course, and thou shalt be withered up even as the branch which thou hast in hand. 3 And he went on, and after a little he fell and gave up the ghost. And when the young children that played with him saw it, they marvelled and departed and told the father of him that was dead. And he ran and found the child dead, and went and accused Joseph.

And also:

IV. 1 And after certain days, as Jesus passed through the midst of the city, a certain child cast a stone at him and smote his shoulder. And Jesus said unto him: Thou shalt not finish thy course. And straightway he also fell down and died. And they that were there were amazed, saying: From whence is this child, that every word which he speaketh becometh a perfect work? 2 But they also departed and accused Joseph, saying: Thou wilt not be able to dwell with us in this city: but if thou wilt, teach thy child to bless and not to curse: for verily he slayeth our children: and every thing that he saith becometh a perfect work.

But he also brought a child back to life.

VIII. 1 And after these things one day Jesus was playing with other boys upon the top of an house of two stories. And one child was pushed down by another and thrown down to the ground and died. And the boys which were playing with him, when they saw it, fled, and Jesus was left alone standing upon the roof whence the boy was thrown down. 2 And when the parents of the boy that was dead heard of it they ran weeping, and when they found the boy lying dead upon the earth and Jesus standing alone, they supposed that the boy had been thrown down by him, and they looked upon him and reviled him. 3 But Jesus, seeing that, leaped down straightway from the upper story and stood at the head of him that was dead and saith to him: Zeno, did I cast thee down? Arise and tell. For so was the boy called. And with the word the boy rose up and worshipped Jesus and said: Lord, thou didst not cast me down, but when I was dead thou didst make me alive.

[–]SometimesATroll 1 point2 points ago

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Sounds like a goddamn super villain. Killing children and making zombies and shit. That's probably why it didn't make the final cut.

[–]Melkster 0 points1 point ago

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Well, okay see. The Jesus in the Infancy Narrative was created with a totally different theology in mind than the traditional doctrines we have today. In the Infancy Narrative, Jesus is very much like a superhero who abuses his own powers at first, but eventually grows to reform himself. He had to grow in understanding and care for his fellow human beings.

Of course, this is a totally different theology than what we're left with today, where Jesus was totally totally good always, even from the very beginning.

But yeah, this isn't the only non-canonical gospel out there. There were many of them, and they all represent different kinds of theologies.

[–]SometimesATroll 1 point2 points ago

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I agree. Also, this is the funniest of the extra gospels that I know of.

[–]HitMeUpGranny 0 points1 point ago

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I'm curious to know what you mean by representing different kinds of theologies. As I understand the bible, the reason that it is as cohesive as it is - meaning the reason it represents one single theology - is because it was groomed and combed over. By the way, I don't mean to say that it is a very cohesive document, but any cohesiveness it has, I thought, was chalked up to the fact that what "didn't fit" was tossed out, regardless of how true, relevant or important it was. Were there people writing gospels who fully intended to deviate from the current or popular understanding of Jesus? Where do these multiple theologies come from?

[–]JSHADOWM 0 points1 point ago

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before deuteronomy rewrote everything before it, that was attributed to Marduk.

the version of the bible we have today is a my immortal - grade fanfic which replaces 11 gods with Dementia Jesus Enoby ... er, i mean, Jesus christ.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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I love these 'fuck off, Jesus' comics. Quite a collection of them here.

A couple more here

Know your meme: 'Jesus is a jerk'

[–]big_sexy_in_glasses 4 points5 points ago

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fuck off jesus...

[–]Wellpaidrichguy 5 points6 points ago

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Still makes me laugh

[–]Icanhazcomment 4 points5 points ago

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At first I was like

"dare I question a religion, for whose savior fought a dragon?"

But then Jesus said "LolJK".

[–]MarsColonist 1 point2 points ago

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[–]bogan 2 points3 points ago

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Though according to the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew, the dragons adored Jesus.

CHAP. 18.--And having come to a certain cave, and wishing to rest in it, the blessed Mary dismounted from her beast, and sat down with the child Jesus in her bosom. And there were with Joseph three boys, and with Mary a girl, going on the journey along with them. And, lo, suddenly there came forth from the cave many dragons; and when the children saw them, they cried out in great terror. Then Jesus went down from the bosom of His mother, and stood on His feet before the dragons; and they adored Jesus, and thereafter retired. Then was fulfilled that which was said by David the prophet, saying: Praise the Lord from the earth, ye dragons; ye dragons, and all ye deeps And the young child Jesus, walking before them, commanded them to hurt no man. But Mary and Joseph were very much afraid lest the child should be hurt by the dragons. And Jesus said to them: Do not be afraid, and do not consider me to be a little child; for I am and always have been perfect; and all the beasts of the forest must needs be tame before me.

For some his other exploits as a boy detailed in other gospels deemed apocryphal, see Jesus the Child-killing Dragon-tamer?

Stories of Christian dragon fighters can be found in the late medieval bestseller the Golden Legend. The book contains not only the story of St. George and the dragon, but the story of St. Silvester exorcising a dragon.

In this time it happed that there was at Rome a dragon in a pit, which every day slew with his breath more than three hundred men. Then came the bishops of the idols unto the emperor and said unto him: O thou most holy emperor, sith the time that thou hast received Christian faith the dragon which is in yonder fosse or pit slayeth every day with his breath more than three hundred men. Then sent the emperor for S. Silvester and asked counsel of him of this matter. S. Silvester answered that by the might of God he promised to make him cease of his hurt and blessure of this people. Then S Silvester put himself to prayer, and S. Peter appeared to him and said: "Go surely to the dragon and the two priests that be with thee take in thy company, and when thou shalt come to him thou shalt say to him in this manner: Our Lord Jesu Christ which was born of the Virgin Mary, crucified, buried and arose, and now sitteth on the right side of the Father, this is he that shall come to deem and judge the living and the dead, I commend thee Sathanas that thou abide him in this place till he come. Then thou shalt bind his mouth with a thread, and seal it with thy seal , wherein is the imprint of the cross. Then thou and the two priests shall come to me whole and safe, and such bread as I shall make ready for you ye shall eat."

Thus as S. Peter had said, S. Silvester did. And when he came to the pit, he descended down one hundred and fifty steps, bearing with him two lanterns, and found the dragon, and said the words that S. Peter had said to him, and bound his mouth with the thread, and sealed it, and after returned, and as he came upward again he met with two enchanters which followed him for to see if he descended, which were almost dead of the stench of the dragon, whom he brought with him whole and sound, which anon were baptized, with a great multitude of people with them. Thus was the city of Rome delivered from double death, that was from the culture and worshipping of false idols, and from the venom of the dragon.

The author of the Golden Legend, Jacobus de Voragine, does say, however, that the tale of Saint Margaret of Antioch surviving being swallowed by a dragon is "apocryphal and not to be taken seriously."

[–]Isoentropic 0 points1 point ago

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I think if Jesus fought dragons Christianity would be a lot cooler of a mythology.