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top 200 commentsshow all 216

[–]ill_take_two 95 points96 points ago

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We're expecting a baby but it'll probably be a miscarriage like the last three.

[–]deadmansstare 48 points49 points ago

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In case anyone was wondering, 10-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, with the majority happening in the first trimester.

Velociraptors aside, there's definitely more than one outcome here.

[–]xlaxplaya 4 points5 points ago

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Actually, that's the rate for women who are aware of and report their pregnancies. Taking into account women who are either unaware of their pregnancies or keep them a secret, the estimate is more like 50%.

Source

[–]Homeschooled316 8 points9 points ago

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Always gotta be that guy who ruins the joke with the truth.

[–]Golgatem 2 points3 points ago

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Probably the number is even higher than that, with many miscarriages ocurring before the woman even knows she's pregnant.

Making a person is hard.

[–]MadWombat 425 points426 points ago

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Could be a dead baby

[–]durfsmurf 252 points253 points ago

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Both mother and child could die in childbirth.

Best thread in /r/funny ever!

[–][deleted] 71 points72 points ago

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Then the father becomes depressed and shoots himself in the face with a shotgun! HILARIOUS! :D

[–]Ag-E 42 points43 points ago

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Their first child then walks in after hearing the noise to discover her father's corpse pooling blood upon the floor.

This joke just writes itself!

[–]kukamunga 29 points30 points ago

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and then a little monkey rides in on a unicycle!

AND KILLS ITSELF

[–]NorthStarTX 9 points10 points ago

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The Aristocrats?

[–]f03nix 1 point2 points ago

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Oh Oh ... someone please do a cat, someone please do a cat !!

*Jumps in Excitement*

[–]UwasaWaya 0 points1 point ago

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That's what the mom was doing to cause all that internal hemorrhaging

[–]srry72 1 point2 points ago

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Or he could use a pistol and miss the kill shot and be in serious pain. Only to have to be taken care by his elderly parents who are having financial troubles because they made some bad investments, which are about to get worse because of the pain meds, anti-depressants and possibly counseling.

[–]rakista 13 points14 points ago

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Is this a Ron Paul ad for healthcare?

[–]butlerjw 21 points22 points ago

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yep, no reason to get your hopes up.

[–]MadWombat 23 points24 points ago

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Or, it could be a beautiful butterfly

[–]Raptorace22 35 points36 points ago

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I'm going to put this in my "things that aren't beautiful butterflies" folder.

[–]WarlordFred 0 points1 point ago

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But it would make much more sense to put the "beautiful butterflies" folder inside the "everything that isn't a beautiful butterfly" folder! Keeps them fresh without spoiling the everything.

[–]MadWombat 0 points1 point ago

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[–]Frank_JWilson 0 points1 point ago

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NOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo

[–]mog_man 0 points1 point ago

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have you ever been mistaken for a beautiful butterfly?

[–]mog_man 0 points1 point ago

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NO, HAVE YOU!!?!??!?!?!?!?!

PEOPLE, THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID.

[–]SpaceGynecologist 0 points1 point ago

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You'd be surprised what you can deliver out there in space.

[–]spongyiq 10 points11 points ago

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We're expecting a dead fetus.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I vaguely, vaguely remember some fucked up picture from 4chan (I think?), where a mother actually did take her stillborn fetus and started treating it like a real child... dressed it up and took it outside in a stroller and all that...

Am I incredibly fucked up, or did I actually see this picture? Now I'm scared :(

[–]ritzcracker 4 points5 points ago

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I remember that but that baby wasn't "dead" it was born with only part of a brain where it could still breathe but it didn't have a consciousness.

[–]psyc0de 1 point2 points ago

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[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Born to be a politician.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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Born with half a brain? Sounds more like a Christian! ;)

Ohhh boy, am I gonna pay for that one...

[–]Duckman_Drake 2 points3 points ago

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Not on Reddit, you won't!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Reddit? I'm waiting for the Mighty Hand of the Lord to part the clouds and smite me where I stand sit!

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

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I dont think an all powerful being would give a shit what you thought about him.

They would probably be sending plagues to the DICE developers for fucking Battlefield 3 up so much.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Too true...

I still can't understand how the Beta ran smooth as a newborn babies asscrack on my machine, but the retail version wouldn't run for SHIT until I downgraded my gfx drivers?

BF3, MAKE SENSE PLEASE. THANK YOU.

edit: the crap performance on the retail version was caused by the stutter bug in the latest beta nvidia drivers that I was running - but the BF3 beta ran without a hitch. the ironic part? the driver page for the bad drivers was plastered in "optimized for BF3" logos and such...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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That's probably it :P at least I'm not quite as fucked up as I thought

[–]mizunocaitlin 0 points1 point ago

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There are people who do this sort of thing. At hospitals, they'll encourage the parents of stillborns to sort of face the death and hold/photograph the dead child. Some people take that jump start on the grieving process very, very far.

My stillborn child’s life after death by Elizabeth Heineman

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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People deal with grief in strange ways - I'm not one to judge, I've never lost (or had) a child - but I'm sure there must be better ways... pot, maybe? ;)

[–]Jpot 0 points1 point ago

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Apparently, it's not all that fucked up, and not all that uncommon. My mom's had like nine miscarriages and a stillbirth, so she had a few books on the subject. It's a coping mechanism for some mothers.

[–]Jpot 4 points5 points ago

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Oh, you mean like my stillborn brother?

[–]naturalcauzes 2 points3 points ago

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Seriously...there's things that can go wrong...so how is this a joke and not just an incorrect statement?

[–]armedburrito 0 points1 point ago

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I was thinking about using some etymology here, but this about sums it up.

[–]N4N4KI 0 points1 point ago

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The Neonatal Clinic or Where dreams go to die.

[–]helium_farts 0 points1 point ago

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Or worse, a zombie baby.

[–]agisty 0 points1 point ago

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Used to happen a lot more.

[–]MadWombat 0 points1 point ago

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How the fuck did this comment get 395 upvotes in 10 hours?!

[–]Subhazard 0 points1 point ago

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Way to suck all the fun out of the room MadWombat.

[–]Nighshade586 0 points1 point ago

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Because it was killed by the velociraptor TWIN!

[–]justguessmyusername -2 points-1 points ago

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lol miscarriage

[–]TheBlackHive 106 points107 points ago

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Birth isn't certain.

[–]mog_man 22 points23 points ago

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Sex isn't certain in some cases. Even with ultrasound.

[–]joeldavis 16 points17 points ago

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I don't know, women like doctors.

[–]mog_man 5 points6 points ago*

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Ultrasound technicians are 99.99% most likely female. Unless you married a cheating dinosaur impregnated lesbian.

[–]toolatealreadyfapped[!] 7 points8 points ago

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they're also 99.99% not doctors

[–]Journalisto 0 points1 point ago

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If they're a technician then they're in the 99 percent.

[–]joeldavis -1 points0 points ago

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When my sister was pregnant I took her to the OBGYN to get a check up and he decided to do an ultrasound for her. Needless to say I reported him to the local medical board and he's no longer allowed to practice medicine.

[–]mog_man 0 points1 point ago*

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Maybe the doctor runs an illegal abortion clinic now? Just asking cuz a friend of a friend of mine is impregnated with a dinosaur. It has been such a drag on her senior year in highschool.

[–]KyleAndrus17 0 points1 point ago

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"Anyway, that's how i lost my medical license!"

[–]toolatealreadyfapped[!] 0 points1 point ago

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Im confused what you're trying to say here

[–]aaomalley 2 points3 points ago

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I am going to need a citation. Women dominate nursing, but are still only 75% or so. Sonographers are often males, in fact every ultrasound I have had was male. You may be correct that 99% of sonographers in OB are women, but that isn't the case in all of sonography and I doubt it is even the case in OB

[–]mog_man 0 points1 point ago

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I stand corrected. Stupid power abusing facts police.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Unless there was some kind of shenanigans of an immaculate nature occurring, I am pretty sure that a fetus showing up on an ultrasound most certainly means that someone had sex.

[–]mog_man 4 points5 points ago

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Sex with an in vitro fertilization tube?

[–]MadWombat 1 point2 points ago

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True. Sex isn't certain in some cases. Even with champagne.

[–]TheKingOfLimbs 0 points1 point ago

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I'm usually pretty certain if I've had sex.

[–]Journalisto 0 points1 point ago

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You're lucky.

[–]thejarmo 31 points32 points ago

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This sounds like it could be a Demetri Martin joke

[–]CheekyMunky 6 points7 points ago

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That's what I opened the thread to find out. Apparently not.

[–]miikrr 0 points1 point ago

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Comment that says it's not? It sounds exactly like something Demetri would say.

[–]TheWetMop 0 points1 point ago

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I re-read it in his voice originally, looked in comments for the same reason as you

[–]WeGotDodgsonHere 1 point2 points ago

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It is very similar to a Gary Gullman joke.

[–]PeeTer_Tape 0 points1 point ago

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I heard it in Bo Burnham's voice, personally. But they have certain similar aspects about their delivery style that I now hear it as them both saying it at once.

[–]sinusoidosaurus 32 points33 points ago

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That's not a velociraptor. It's a deinonychus. Jurassic Park was a farce.

[–]zanhoshi 8 points9 points ago

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You misspelled velociraptor. It doesn't have any d's in it.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]mog_man 4 points5 points ago

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Clever girl.

[–]zanhoshi 1 point2 points ago

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Dude even Homer J Simpson could see what I did there.

[–]colinmhayes 2 points3 points ago

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need moar featherz.

[–]lolwtface 1 point2 points ago

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I KNEW someone was going to say this. If not, I would have.

[–]ContaiN 10 points11 points ago

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I'm "expecting" in 3 months, this just turned everything on its head. Fuck, now I have to go make my house dino proof

[–]LORDJEW_VAN_CUNTFUCK 1 point2 points ago*

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I think you should dino-proof your vagina first.

[–]Thricearch 0 points1 point ago

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i'd listen to this guy, by looking at his name, he seems to have experience in the area

[–]starcher 7 points8 points ago

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This sounds so much like a demetri martin quote.

[–]kartoffeldego 34 points35 points ago

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I love the term 'we're expecting' when talking about r/funny posts, because it makes it sound like there's more than one outcome.

Yeah, we're expecting to be amused.

But it could be a velociraptor.

[–]totalwar57 12 points13 points ago

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You imply that velociraptors aren't amusing.

[–]imtrappedinabox 6 points7 points ago

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Ever try to laugh while your lungs are getting ripped out? Well, it's actually pretty easy to do, oddly enough.

[–]Raptorace22 0 points1 point ago

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But it could be a horribly depressing fact of life.

[–]MxM111 -1 points0 points ago

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I do not get it. Why single outcome can not be expected? Do you expect the sun will rise tomorrow? I certainly do!

[–]Uriah_Heep 5 points6 points ago

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Miscarriage.

[–]d4short 4 points5 points ago

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i can only hear this phrase in tommy wiseau's voice

[–]InflatablePie 3 points4 points ago

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YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, D4SHORT!

[–]the_cat_kittles 1 point2 points ago

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"wearrespecting!!!"

[–]SyntheticDeath 1 point2 points ago

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Same here

[–]swedishfish41 4 points5 points ago

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biological_issues_in_Jurassic_Park#Velociraptor

because of this interpretation by Jurassic park, many people seem to have confused a Deinonychus with a velociraptor.

I contend you are perhaps expecting a Deinonychus.

I have the power of Dr Scott the paleontologist and Jim Henson's Dinosaur train as citations.

[–]ACaseForSobriety 2 points3 points ago*

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Is that you, Mitch?

...come back, we miss you!

[–]elchupacabra206 1 point2 points ago

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my thoughts eaxctly

[–]TheCodexx 2 points3 points ago

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I especially love the "we're" part. Well, yes, together we're expecting a child but I myself am incapable of actually carrying one. So really "my wife is carrying a fetus" is the most accurate statement in this situation. As it is, I'm expecting a child. Sometime in my lifetime, at least. But who knows what could happen.

[–]apotheosis247 4 points5 points ago

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It's even more absurd when phrased "we're pregnant", which I've heard on several occasions.

[–]TheCodexx 2 points3 points ago

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They're trying to force the idea of a couple being one person and both parties being of equal responsibility. Which goes out the window the moment the girl wants to make decisions for/about the child, in which case her and all her friends will agree that the mother gets to make crucial decisions. ಠ_ಠ

[–]travelchik45 3 points4 points ago

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Definitely relevant: Perry Bible Fellowship - Baby

[–]thefloyd 2 points3 points ago

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When I was 2 years old and my mom was pregnant with my sister, when people asked me what I wanted the baby to be, my answer was always "a Triceratops." I don't really remember it but they told me I was really upset when I found out it was a human, and even worse, a girl.

[–]I_TOUCH_KIDS 2 points3 points ago

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I hope it's a baby.

Children are adorable.

[–]Kazurik 0 points1 point ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]rish234 7 points8 points ago

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Even worse, it could be a Philosorapter.

[–]LeGrandArmee 4 points5 points ago

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You kidding! That'd be the best! It'd only rhetorically eat you while you're still alive.

[–]rish234 1 point2 points ago

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It would be too much to deal with, questioning the very meaning of life right out of the womb.

[–]mog_man 0 points1 point ago

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Even worse, it could be a velocicrapster.

[–]PPpwnz 1 point2 points ago

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What a horrendously outdated illustration of a velociraptor.

[–]Wander44 1 point2 points ago

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Reminds me of Julian Smith's "With Child".

[–]barely_regal 1 point2 points ago

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I don't know who wrote it, but this is best read in Demetri Martin's voice. For maximum enjoyment, add some acoustic guitar and end it with a harmonica riff.

[–]Douglas_Funny 1 point2 points ago

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I urge you all to read through this 4chan thread (http://4chanarchive.org/brchive/dspl_thread.php5?thread_id=9386963) as it's relevant to the OP's picture. Make sure to click the dino pictures as they are gifs; probably the funniest thing I've seen on 4chan.

Here's a spoiler: http://4chanarchive.org/images/r9k/9386963/1275942569278.gif

[–]uberweb 1 point2 points ago

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Whenever someone tells me "we are expecting" , I have half the mind to look surprised , wait a few moments and go "umm, me to complete your sentences ?"

[–]rugger88 1 point2 points ago

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thats a deinonychus motherfucker.

[–]whatupnig 1 point2 points ago

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Because still borns are just a myth, nice job Freddy you fucking twat

[–]Sweeede 1 point2 points ago

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i hope its a raptor. now that's offspring that won't get bullied in school

[–]mskmadison 1 point2 points ago

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It means a pregnancy is upon us and we expect a live child, and hopefully not a miscarriage you clod. Spoken from someone whose only successful pregnancy ended up as a miscarriage.

[–]onanonanonaonon 1 point2 points ago

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we're expecting to have a baby, but we could have a miscarriage.

[–]zero_iq 1 point2 points ago

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No, no, no. Always expect raptors, or you won't live to regret it.

Because you'll be killed.

By the unexpected raptors.

In conclusion: unexpected raptors are the worst kind of raptor.

[–]EternalRocksBeneath 1 point2 points ago

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This is one of those things that will pop into my head at various times, and make me giggle like a lunatic.

[–]sgsteven19 1 point2 points ago

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This sounds like a Demtri Martin joke.

[–]Sloppy1sts 2 points3 points ago

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Is this a Hedberg quote by any chance? Sounds like something he'd say.

[–]pipercraven 0 points1 point ago

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I thought the same thing. Yay Up vote for like-mindedness.

[–]InsertOffensiveName 0 points1 point ago

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Could be twins, triplets or more. Could be a dead baby, two< dead babies as well. Everything else that gets born out of a human woman's vagina I would consider a baby ;)

[–]toolatealreadyfapped[!] 0 points1 point ago

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two < dead babies

Are you implying that having a dead baby is greater than having twins?

[–]InsertOffensiveName 0 points1 point ago

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lol i meant 2 "or more" with the larger sign

[–]losesomething 0 points1 point ago*

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Did anybody else try really hard not to skip to the bottom of the page in anticipation of whatever reason the velociraptor was on the side?

[–]akwardwhitekid 0 points1 point ago

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it could be a human or it could be a dinosaur. you can't explain that

[–]floydenstein 0 points1 point ago

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it could be a miscarriage.

[–]TheBrownies 0 points1 point ago

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When we saw our first ultrasound of our daughter, I called her a dinosaur, and then she transitioned to a monkey, and now she's still my little monkey girl.

I think the next one is going to be spawn... :\

[–]mog_man 0 points1 point ago

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This makes a great "Cheaters" episode.

Sry, honey. It isn't you. It is my dinosaur fetish.

[–]panthesilia 0 points1 point ago

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Well, I just found the only way I'll ever agree to give birth to a child.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Time to change out your doorknobs. You know, just in case.

[–]Isaynicethings 0 points1 point ago

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0.0 so many things could be said...

[–]benemal 0 points1 point ago

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I'd be so much more interested in sex if there was a chance of a velociraptor resulting from it.

[–]riefba 0 points1 point ago

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When someone has a baby, people often ask "What is it?" "...A Velociraptor"

[–]David_Coron 0 points1 point ago

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I hope it's cupcakes...

[–]Same_As_You 0 points1 point ago

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You see this is why it's ok to have an abortion. Just because a girl is pregnant doesn't mean it will turn out to be human. It might just be a monkey or something. You just don't know until a few months in!

[–]dixonticonderoga 0 points1 point ago

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This would have been funnier if you had just typed it as a self post. But then you wouldn't get your precious karma, would you?

[–]demoncarcass 0 points1 point ago

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Boy or girl? It works if the couple does not know the sex beforehand.

[–]Connie_chi_wa 0 points1 point ago

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Every time I hear "We're Expecting" I immediately recount this scene in my head http://i40.tinypic.com/11ak85j.jpg

[–]astewin 0 points1 point ago

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[–]SBJhehe 0 points1 point ago

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They could later discover the baby has Down Syndrome, and the parents must decide between an abortion, or possible serious complications during birth and raising a child who is in essence mentally retarded. Now how is this funny again?

[–]harbichidian 0 points1 point ago

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There would be more pregnancies if "Velociraptor" was a possible outcome.

[–]Strawcrazyman 0 points1 point ago

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But still, we'd be fine if it turned out just to be a baby.

[–]TheKingOfLimbs 0 points1 point ago

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Just found out two days ago that my gf and I are expecting. Based on how it happened to go down on the night it happened, I'm expecting puppies.

[–]ffunyman 0 points1 point ago

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Life will find a way.

[–]fiat_lux_ 0 points1 point ago

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If a raptor was an actual possibility, I would actually want to impregnate someone.

A fucking Raptor baby. How cool is that?

I would lay down 300K right this instant for one.

[–]OgFinish 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah, expecting is exactly the right word considering the trillions of complications that could occur with mother or baby.

[–]Punkgoblin 0 points1 point ago

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Then it could eat all the real babies, and the world would be on its way to back-on-track!

[–]gsfgf 0 points1 point ago

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It can be a velociraptor?

brb, cutting holes in my condoms.

[–]holodog 0 points1 point ago

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"We're expecting my baby, but it could actually be her ex's from that one time we were fighting."

[–]Vikaroo 0 points1 point ago

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That should not have made me laugh as much as it did.

[–]SA0S1N 0 points1 point ago

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more then one way to use expecting

[–]geehak 0 points1 point ago

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Added picture of velociraptor so its not just a picture of text... Karma

[–]tehMunkee 0 points1 point ago

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If only...

[–]Related_Tune 0 points1 point ago

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[–]VeganVelociraptor 0 points1 point ago

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It could happen to you...

[–]zsasz 0 points1 point ago

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.. or a chestbuster

[–]greenymile 0 points1 point ago

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joke stolen from sickpedia.com - have you no shame?

[–]veisc2 0 points1 point ago

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False. One could never expect a raptor, they always have the element of surprise.

[–]molkhal 0 points1 point ago

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suspecting

[–]Chesstariam 0 points1 point ago

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This rings of a Demitri Martin Joke!

[–]boredm103 0 points1 point ago

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I love quantum mechanics. All things are possible.

[–]MyriPlanet 0 points1 point ago

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Vagina contained a velociraptor.

0/10 would not fuck again.

[–]schiller 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah. You never know!

[–]-freakazoid- 0 points1 point ago

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or really bad constipation

[–]Mark_Lincoln 0 points1 point ago

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It could be a euphemism.

Such as 'we are expecting an excrement.'

[–]6Sungods 0 points1 point ago

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Doc: "Congratulations! You have a healthy baby- OH DEAR GOD GET IT OF ME ITS CHEWING MY SKULL!"

[–]dookieface 0 points1 point ago

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Or the baby will die.

[–]JX3 0 points1 point ago

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I thought this was going to be about the "we" part.

[–]Ivan_of_Zeta 0 points1 point ago

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we're expecting a boy/girl.....idiots

[–]Alan_Grant 0 points1 point ago

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You breed raptors?

[–]trahh 0 points1 point ago

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when does anyone ever say "we're expecting a baby?"

it's generally we're expecting a boy or girl.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]barnun 2 points3 points ago

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Thanks, Sheldon

[–]freddywarfe[S] 2 points3 points ago

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...or I could be making a joke

[–]relevantmovie_quote 0 points1 point ago

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"They show extraordinary intelligence, even problem-solving intelligent. Especially the big one. We bred eight originally, but when she came in she took over the pride and killed all but two of the others. That one... when she looks at you, you can see she's working things out. "

-Jurassic Park

[–]GarbageChute 0 points1 point ago

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Isn't this r/funny? Not r/lameasshit?

[–]Spants23 -1 points0 points ago

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Could be the anti-christ. Anything's possible.

[–]barc0de 1 point2 points ago

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but definitely not the Spanish Inquisition.

[–]LeGrandArmee -1 points0 points ago

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I have to say, that is a nice looking Velociraptor.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]ifodge 0 points1 point ago

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BARNEY!

[–]tragicalsmiles 0 points1 point ago

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Definitely not Sera...

[–]Jakravdian -1 points0 points ago

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Gives a whole new meaning to the term "velociraptor entry point"

[–]Daveyd325 -1 points0 points ago

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male or female?

[–]Zissoo -1 points0 points ago

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HOW DOES THIS HAVE SO MANY UPVOTES? I DONT UNDERSTAND YOU PEOPLE.

[–]Journalisto -1 points0 points ago

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I was expecting a better joke.

[–]whatever_idc -5 points-4 points ago

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We're having a velociraptor.

[–]tonywartooth -4 points-3 points ago

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Genius. It would make my fb wall suck a lot less, and drastically improve profile pictures all over.