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top 200 commentsshow all 293

[–]Roflmoo 573 points574 points ago

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Shave your ass and smear Vaseline in the crack. Then just walk around. It feels like something you should go to prison for, but it's perfectly legal! One thing, though... DON'T FART. Because when you have nothing but bare skin and Vaseline back there, you have zero chance of sneaking one by. People in North Korea will hear you.

[–]murderofcrows 101 points102 points ago

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I'm trying to figure out how one gets into a situation where smearing Vaseline all over your freshly shaved crack sounds like a good idea.

[–][deleted] 55 points56 points ago

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How are you NOT yet in that situation? Who doesn't want slippery cheeks?

[–]Microwave_Pete 22 points23 points ago

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There is less friction back there when you run...

[–]petrifiedkitten 50 points51 points ago

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into something hard.

[–]Bladegrey 17 points18 points ago

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or vice versa.

[–]Rustash 47 points48 points ago

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When you hard into something run?

[–]Microwave_Pete 21 points22 points ago

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Run since the guy behind you is hard [in prison].

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Microwave_Pete 3 points4 points ago

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They used Vaseline, not Crisco...

[–]Zantier 1 point2 points ago

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Something hard runs into you

[–]dhaft88 0 points1 point ago

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I feel gross with swamp ass

[–]i_plead_the_5th 38 points39 points ago

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I'm trying to figure out how someone can even use a razor to shave their crack. As far as I know, both hands are needed to spread the damn thing so whats holding the razor? Is there a wing-man involved?

[–]Kenitzka 65 points66 points ago

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Electric trimmers with a minor in gymnastics.

[–]Kimimpossible 1 point2 points ago

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Spread the cheeks one at a time and get each side!

[–]omnipotent87 1 point2 points ago

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To prevent razor burn of course.

[–]propaglandist 1 point2 points ago

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Impending sex.

[–]obsCUR 1 point2 points ago

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impounding sex

[–]Angeldust01 147 points148 points ago

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Shave your ass and smear Vaseline in the crack. Then just walk around. It feels like something you should go to prison for, but it's perfectly legal

I dont know why, but I laughed at that. Also I'd never do that. Not saying that there's something wrong doing that.. but there certainly is.

[–]altFor1Post 14 points15 points ago

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Wax it with duct tape.

Take a strip of duct tape, hold it between the cheeks and pinch down on it so that all the hairs contact, then tear it off. Repeat.

(this is going in my list of "phrases to make you wince". Which includes don't continue reading if you are queasy prying up fingernails, sliding down a barbed wire fence, sitting on the leg of an upturned chair and, of course, putting a needle under your toenail and kicking a wall)

[–]secretredfoxx 13 points14 points ago

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i was good until the toenail, then all I could do was say FUCK out loud

[–]ThatsObvious 3 points4 points ago

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Should have read entire post before attempting...

[–]altFor1Post 0 points1 point ago

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Please tell me you're kidding.

[–]WipeMyAssWith100s 4 points5 points ago

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I don't know why, but this sounds like a really really bad idea.

[–]thatkenyan 6 points7 points ago

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It is. There's a reason spas don't just use duct tape for waxing.

[–]Canadave 2 points3 points ago

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Indeed. It's much more useful if it's kept handy for repairs.

[–]i_plead_the_5th 2 points3 points ago

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It is. They forgot to tell ya the skin comes off too.

[–]MF_Kitten 2 points3 points ago

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I have a fresh one for ya: biting down hard on a coarse wood file with your front teeth, and yanking it out full force.

[–]cresteh 1 point2 points ago

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NO.

NO.

[–]Roflmoo 0 points1 point ago

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Ouch, dude. The toenail one certainly qualifies as wince-inducing.

[–]FireSpokes 0 points1 point ago

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Oh my god I'm crying at the last one.

[–]Fooleo 0 points1 point ago

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Ooh! Don't forget clipping your teeth with a toenail clipper.

[–]Randy_Tutelage 25 points26 points ago

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That sentence is the only thing i've ever laughed at out loud on reddit and then proceeded to laugh and having to restart reading it to my roommate who asked what I was laughing about.

[–]spankytheseahorse 5 points6 points ago

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The same thing literally happened to me. It's a small reddit after all.

[–]Kenitzka 6 points7 points ago

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literally.

[–]yodamann 7 points8 points ago

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It's just you and me.

[–]RevoRevo 3 points4 points ago

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Just kidding, just me. But you, being me, already knew that.

[–]Randy_Tutelage 1 point2 points ago

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Is my other personality posting to reddit again?

[–]thattallfellow 73 points74 points ago

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[–]chastric 25 points26 points ago

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I want this because of reasons.

[–]toadkicker 10 points11 points ago

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I can confirm this. On 25 June 1950 an entire war was started over it.

[–]Psypriest 1 point2 points ago

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True Fact?

[–]CryoEnix 6 points7 points ago

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I always wondered why my farts were completely inaudible. Must be all that hair down there.

Or maybe I should just take my headphones out once in a while

[–]moses227 3 points4 points ago

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when i thought reddit couldnt get weirder....

[–]sprrd 3 points4 points ago

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I used nair on my crack. Afterwards my farts were at least 6 times louder.

[–]JustinTime112 0 points1 point ago

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I use nair on my balls and it works out fine, but I have always been scared of nair on the crack, if it touches my asshole will it cause an inferno of doom or will things be alright?

[–]Goliath0nline 1 point2 points ago

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I've done it, worked fine for me. I'd hate to encourage you to try it just to have you find out your more sensitive areas have a serious negative reaction, but yeah, I've done it and nobody died.

[–]robot-rollcall 2 points3 points ago

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[–]drunk_irish_guy 27 points28 points ago

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"People in North Korea will hear you."

I laughed for a good 3 minutes.

[–]FTroop09 11 points12 points ago

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"Glorious leader has truly blessed us with this momentous and historic fart."

[–]what_american_dream 77 points78 points ago

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3 MINUTES? THAT'S 180 SECONDS OF LAUGHTER. RETHINK YOUR STATEMENT.

[–]LoganPhyve 0 points1 point ago

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People in North Korea will hear you

Not if Kim Jong Il says they can't...

[–]dannyman46 1 point2 points ago

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Best feeling ever

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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This made me laugh my bare, vaseline coated ass off...

[–]N4N4KI 1 point2 points ago

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I know I have read/heard something similar to your comment, but for the life (and google searches) I cannot figure out where.

[–]Unythios 0 points1 point ago

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OMFG I've never laughed so hard at a comment on here before. Needed that on a Monday.

[–]soul-taker 63 points64 points ago

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Never use a razor. Use an old beard trimmer (or, well, you can use your good beard trimmer that you use on your face, but I would advise against it). You get all the hair gone, but without that burn or the risk of in grown hairs or razor bumps. It's a little stuble-y for a few hours, but it'll smooth out quickly and you'll be good to go for a couple weeks. It's not a close shave, but it gets rid of most of the hair and - unless you need your ass baby smooth for an HD photoshoot or something - no one's going to notice what little hair is left.

Also, men looking for a practical reason to do this: Cleanup is fast like you've never seen. Even the most foul, chipotle-induced bowel movement only takes seconds to clean up after. Feels good man.

[–]JustinTime112 1 point2 points ago

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Razor that bad? I have the Norelco Bodygroom and that thing can shave my balls no problem, you think it will have a problem with my ass?

[–]Elxim 295 points296 points ago

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[–]illfuckstartyourhead 66 points67 points ago

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I was literally crying at the end of this. The line about the lost gerbil was where i completely lost it.

[–]Offensive_Username2 6 points7 points ago

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Thanks for spoiling it.

[–]waveflyer92 3 points4 points ago

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Trust me, nothing was spoiled.

Read it now!!

[–]Sleepybutt 17 points18 points ago

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I couldn't remember where I read this story- so thank you. Thank you for bringing this back into my life.

[–]desktop_ninja 2 points3 points ago

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i read it on some forum about democrats or something.

i wasn't a member, but google had brought me there.

[–]OckhamsRaiser 16 points17 points ago

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This sounds like don't shave your ass hair... if you're heavy enough to break a sweat from 2 flights of stairs and have trouble wiping.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]TomMoofDavies 31 points32 points ago

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Sounds like an ass mohawk to me.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I dont care who you thats funny.

[–]Ephemeralis 0 points1 point ago

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Or have someone trim the hairs with scissors for you instead of shaving them.

I am lucky enough to have the honor. B)

[–]dMage 3 points4 points ago

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I came here to find this link. I am not disappointed.

[–]Jakeimo 17 points18 points ago

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Because every child without ass hair has this problem...

[–]MayIReiterate 21 points22 points ago

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How many children have you seen who sweat like a grown man?

When I was a kid, I never remembered sweating noticeably. But when I hit puberty, I sweat like a whore in church.

Children just don't sweat as much as adults.

[–]sit_I_piz 15 points16 points ago

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This is a lie, whores don't go to church.

[–]blackertai 10 points11 points ago

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You're going to the wrong churches.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]JustinTime112 0 points1 point ago

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Girls seem to do just fine. Besides, I remember having sweaty ass when I was a hairless kid as well.

[–]Wikkit 1 point2 points ago

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shit! I haven't been able to swim a fart like an elevator for ages! so that's what happened!

[–]auart 4 points5 points ago

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Ah, yes, Elevator-style Fartswimming. My favorite Olympic event.

[–]chiliap2 2 points3 points ago

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I've heard this story a lot, but I've never entirely believed it. Maybe for someone really fat it could be a problem, but it's not like everyone in the world has a hairy arse.

[–]chwell 5 points6 points ago

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Tears are pouring down my face. POURING. Roommate is rolling on the floor in hysterics.

[–]abysscop 1 point2 points ago

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[–]tagbadger 2 points3 points ago

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Thank you! Until this, I had no idea why shaving that hair would be a problem. I've always contemplated it, but I've never gone through with it. Now I probably never will.

[–][deleted] 59 points60 points ago

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Shaving your ass isn't the problem. Being a sweaty slob who can't wipe his own ass properly is the problem.

[–]sp00kyd00m 9 points10 points ago

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Amen.

[–]123fourfive 11 points12 points ago

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It's not, this guy is just full of shit (no pun intended).

I shave my ass all the time. I run daily and am very active, but I have never, ever, ever had a problem like this. The only "downsides" are that your cheeks can get irritated from the prickly hair and it's a little bit weird having lower friction back there.

I recommend doing it though; it's easier and less gross to clean in the shower, you don't get dingle berries, and it's more physically attractive (in my opinion).

[–]Kenitzka 5 points6 points ago

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trust this guy. He's on the internets.

Have tried. Can verify with 100% certainty that North Korea will be alerted with any attempt at sneakiness.

[–]Offensive_Username2 0 points1 point ago

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I shaved my ass before and I had none of these problems.

[–]Disya 0 points1 point ago

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Absolute funniest thing ever. I was heaving laughter all by myself. I will now show everyone I know.

[–]vicklepickle3 201 points202 points ago

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When my ass itches in public I make out with my boyfriend. It looks like he is grabbing it, but he's really scratching the fuck out of it.

[–]cbrauchli 31 points32 points ago

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This is gold.

[–]babiesloveboobies 38 points39 points ago

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Dammit,** why can't ever meet girls like there are on the internet??!?**

[–]KnuttyD 88 points89 points ago

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No one ever said this was a female.

[–]neurorootkit 35 points36 points ago

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I heard about this field of science, called statistics.

[–]asdjfsjhfkdjs 9 points10 points ago

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Applying Bayes rule gives you about even odds on them being male.

[–]srry72 5 points6 points ago

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The fuck did I just wiki?

[–]trollosophy 2 points3 points ago

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[–]propaglandist 3 points4 points ago

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It most certainly does not.

[–]asdjfsjhfkdjs 4 points5 points ago

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I admit, I did pull my prior (90% male on reddit) out of thin air, and it turns out to be wrong, and I know my numbers on sexual orientation (~%10 gay) are disputed at best. I also assumed a bunch of confounding factors didn't exist, without justification (are straight female redditors more or less likely to have boyfriends than gay male ones? Who knows?). I clearly have failed to meet the /r/funny standard for mathematical discourse, and for that I apologize.

[–]safariplanet 0 points1 point ago

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Called statistics.. THEN WHO WAS PHONE?!

[–]enzofall 30 points31 points ago

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You didn't a word.

[–]00zero00 1 point2 points ago

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It could be a man

[–]babiesloveboobies 29 points30 points ago

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Nope, comment history:

I fart and it goes forward into my vag.

[–]00zero00 12 points13 points ago

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Well then. That solves that issue.

[–]babiesloveboobies 21 points22 points ago

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Indeed, yet another troublesome issue resolved with forward-vag farting.

[–]auart 5 points6 points ago

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My second-favorite Olympic event.

[–]cp3woo 7 points8 points ago

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But.... He... I mean... HUH?!?!?!?!?

[–]AwwYea 2 points3 points ago

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Oh yea baby come here lets make out in public mmm yea oooh yea thats the spot grab my ass that's it yea scratch it good yea mmm a little lower, little lower yep thats it mmm this is perfectly normal etc.

[–]remaker12 1 point2 points ago

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So many whats.

[–]Nightshade1105 1 point2 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]Bojangles010 48 points49 points ago

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Am I the only one that likes to shave their ass? It feels a lot better, and contrary to the post on craigslist, you smell better due to the hairs not trapping in the stink.

[–]Trendelenburg 10 points11 points ago

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Yeah I keep my ass shaven and have no real complaints. It can get itchy a day or two in, but no other problems. I don't know whats wrong with all these other people.

[–]cuffofizz 2 points3 points ago

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It's just that god awful itch. I can't shave my ass or pubes because of that god awful itch. I'd rather get 20 shots then have to endure that itching.

[–]JustinTime112 2 points3 points ago

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That itch goes away as your skin gets more used to it and the hair grows back a little thinner. Or if you shave every day.

[–]Pravusmentis 4 points5 points ago

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I have a hard enough time shaving my face everyday...

[–]JustinTime112 0 points1 point ago

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You could use nair. Some people can't tolerate it but it has never given me trouble.

[–]rockne 49 points50 points ago

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I can only imagine that once you've shaved your ass, you're almost committed to shaving your whole body. If you shave your back, don't you have to shave your shoulders? If you shave your shoulders don't you have to shave your chest?

[–]MattockMatt 289 points290 points ago

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Ass: the gateway shave

[–][deleted] ago*

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[deleted]

[–]Porkchawp 29 points30 points ago

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what were you doing?

[–]ENKC 27 points28 points ago

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Crack.

[–]Laugh_Fin 4 points5 points ago

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One of my greatest fears is one day I'll be shaving, get distracted, and proceed to shave my eyebrows clean off without thinking.

[–]mtfw 4 points5 points ago

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Haha. You got that far without the "WTF" popping up? I think the first flick of the razor, bent sideways in front of the mirror in the bathroom, listening to make sure nobody was around would have been your first WTF moment.

[–]monkeys_pass 14 points15 points ago

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Not even once.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Elfsteaks 0 points1 point ago

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If you give a mouse a cookie...

[–]zephyy 22 points23 points ago

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this is why you buy one of those electric beard trimmer to use on your butt.

note: do not mix regular beard trimmer and butt trimmer in use.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]checkenginelight[S] 140 points141 points ago

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A fair question. I had just shaved my face, looked at my ass and thought, "Man, that looks hairy, I'll shave that, too." I was fucking bored.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]checkenginelight[S] 52 points53 points ago

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I pride myself on my normality.

[–]humpy 37 points38 points ago

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So it was like this, except with your ass.

[–]crackshot91 6 points7 points ago

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[–]checkenginelight[S] 5 points6 points ago

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It's ridiculous how relevant this is.

[–]JustinTime112 0 points1 point ago

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Ass shaving tips plx? Step by step I'm anoobis.

[–]wartexmaul 0 points1 point ago

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normalcy

[–]truthgoblin 0 points1 point ago

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[–][deleted] 30 points31 points ago

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I had just shaved my face, looked at my ass

This just raises further questions.

[–]metalmutt 4 points5 points ago

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There's a point in every man's life where they're in the shower and they say "fuck it".

This is followed by regret.

[–]puterTDI 15 points16 points ago

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if you shave your balls, you may as well shave your ass.

[–]tolleman 56 points57 points ago

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Or else you end up with a groin-mullet.

[–]CandleJaxx 24 points25 points ago

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gives "business in front, party in back" a whole new meaning.

[–]stackus 3 points4 points ago

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Business in front. Party in the rear?

[–]arniegrape 0 points1 point ago

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This is much funnier than the shave-and-Vaseline-it comment above. Much funnier.

[–]OompaOrangeFace 7 points8 points ago

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When you are tired of poop getting in your ass hair because is unsanitary and takes about 10x as many wipes. After I shave cleanup is SO much easier.

Don't listen to posts like this. A shaved anus is quite literally one of the best things you can do.

[–]Psycochem 0 points1 point ago

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Did it once on a dare.

[–]Zantre 30 points31 points ago

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Shaving your ass can be a dangerous task. Trust me, i'm a doctor. Please post pictures... for science.

[–]checkenginelight[S] 89 points90 points ago

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[–]ttsci 124 points125 points ago

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I'm really not sure why I clicked this. I think it's just a reflex at this point.

[–]wolololol 38 points39 points ago

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Seasoned Internet Veteran here folks!

[–]legendary_ironwood 4 points5 points ago

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And even if it was marked NSFW, you would have thought even considered it even less.

[–]Darth_Phrakk 9 points10 points ago

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I was excited...then disappointed. :(

[–]somuchbacon 6 points7 points ago

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A photo? ಠ_ಠ

[–]kihadat 0 points1 point ago

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Dear God, NSFW!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]babiesloveboobies 7 points8 points ago

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Have you actually epilated your asshole? The results sound good but the process sounds like some kind of horrible form of torture.

[–]Seiesnalli 3 points4 points ago*

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My girlfriend introduced me to what a epilator was last night. I have the most horrible mental image of that kind of device pulling a vagina to shreds.

Also, VULVA.

[–]Menso 0 points1 point ago

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Just googled that. Oh, what the FUCK?

Use nair, wax, shave, ANYTHING but that!

[–]Seiesnalli 1 point2 points ago

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Okay, huge bold letters i've been seeing recently -- TEACH ME TO BE A WIZARD LIKE YOU.

[–]chroncile 0 points1 point ago

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[–]JustinTime112 3 points4 points ago

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I want to try to epilate my pubes, but I don't want to risk spending $60 dollars to torture myself and go "NEVER AGAIN" and then have to bring a mangled device full of snagged pubes back to the store to get my $60 back. I wish my girlfriend had one so I could just try one out...

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Jasmijn 0 points1 point ago

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I'm a girl and I use one on my pubes. I won a free brazilian wax once ( which HURT. I have pretty thick hairs down there) and I likes the result so much that I continued doing it with the epilator because waxing is very expensive. It's hurts sometimes, but the longer you do it, the less it hurts.

If you want to do it, I really recommend getting it waxed first, I can't imagine how much it must have hurt on stubbles.

[–]chroncile 2 points3 points ago

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[–]fishbowlio 18 points19 points ago

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Just imagine how you'll feel once it starts growing back.

[–]mooseman780 20 points21 points ago

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The itchiness!

[–]sophic 7 points8 points ago

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i think thats what hes talking about.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]TJFadness 13 points14 points ago

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[–]WiffleHat 6 points7 points ago

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MSPA

[–]rohizzle121 4 points5 points ago

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SKYRIM

[–]TJFadness 1 point2 points ago

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Where?

[–]rohizzle121 2 points3 points ago

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11/11/11 bookmark

[–]TJFadness 2 points3 points ago

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Actually MS Paint Adventures.

But yes, I am looking forward to Skyrim.

[–]Brodecahedron 3 points4 points ago

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The problem isn't the slippery cheeks. It's the itchiness of sprouting ass-hair that really kills.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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lets be honest, if you ever want your girl to go down there, shaving is just a courtesy. kudos to you sir.

[–]Vogey 4 points5 points ago

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I have never wanted any living thing to go to my asshole. It's just a courtesy i have.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Vogey 1 point2 points ago

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I personally have never gotten off to asshole licking. But if that's what you fancy, go ahead.

[–]chimpychimp 4 points5 points ago

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On a good day, my butthole is comparable to the pit of sarlaac. Frankly I dont think anyone, even my worst enemy, deserves that kind of punishment.

[–]daveymcmillan 2 points3 points ago

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Omg... lol - by the way just trim the hair don't shave it all!

[–]tetzy 2 points3 points ago

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TIL people shave their asses.

[–]KojakMoment 2 points3 points ago

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Smooth, Michael. Just like her father's head, chest, arms, legs and ass.

[–]lucidique 1 point2 points ago

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Oh god i've done that a few years ago... never again...

[–]jesusapproves 1 point2 points ago

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lmao, A guy I knew at a place I used to work once told me he naired his ass. He said, there's a reason you have hair on your ass. A reason I now understand. Never do this. Never.

[–]anarkist 1 point2 points ago

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Am I the only one that has no problem with this? I can shave there and not think about it again, it really does not itch or bother me in any way.

[–]ilikemonster 4 points5 points ago

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I had a friend that got outta the military and shaved his ass...he of course had no insurance at the time and developed a HUGE blister..( didnt see it) and had to pop it with a needle...nasty stuff man...

[–]vteckickedin 11 points12 points ago

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Not sure what insurance policy covers ass blisters...?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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Aetna's

[–]rwheeler720 3 points4 points ago

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I heard the same thing in my head right before I clicked on it. It was in Gob's voice too.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Also: Anti-Itch cream. A lot of people forget about it, but it works wonders for an itchy asscrack.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Know the feeling - shaved my testicles once .... they reminded me of it for weeks

[–]Dr_koctaloctapuss 0 points1 point ago

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c2s

[–]tummybox 0 points1 point ago

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I shave my ass sometimes, feels so smooth, like a baby.

[–]STUFF416 0 points1 point ago

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ಠ_ಠ

[–]Offensive_Username2 0 points1 point ago

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Why was it a mistake?

[–]lickthecowhappy 0 points1 point ago

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New appreciation for lady shaving?

[–]roofuskit 0 points1 point ago

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What, not an AMA? Is it cold?

[–]Phatty_Pineapple 0 points1 point ago

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i dont want slippery cheeks

[–]Vibster 0 points1 point ago

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That torturous burning itch! The more you scratch at it the more horrible it gets, until you lying in bed at three in the morning just going to town with your fingernails for a single moment of relief. The sensation is like being eaten from the asshole in, buy pissed of, venomous insects.

Remember that scene from The Mummy where the dude gets devoured by scarab Beatles? I envy him, at least his ordeal only lasted hours, the searing pain of a stubbly ass will be with you for weeks.