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all 178 comments

[–]sless44 203 points204 points ago*

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Omitted: the part where you're forced inside your mother's vagina. Just sayin'.

Edit: accuracy

[–]DJ_Tips 68 points69 points ago

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Directly after that, you have to climb inside your father's dick. This whole idea really falls apart under scrutiny.

[–]shillbert 47 points48 points ago

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Meh, you're just a single cell then. You probably don't have consciousness anymore.

[–]JackassPenguinass 24 points25 points ago

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So it is not so different from the end of a normal life after all.

[–]lajksdgbiu 14 points15 points ago

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And wouldn't they be taking away your gold watch on your first day of work?

[–]subschool 6 points7 points ago

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I think you would actually have to give them your gold watch on the first day.

[–]kentgreendisco 2 points3 points ago

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and while all this is true...

...you are ignorant and uneducated for the majority of your life.

[–]LolerCoaster 3 points4 points ago

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I think he means for the order of events to be reversed, not that he's moving backward in time. Although that begs the question, what constitutes an event? In what increments do we slice up this timeline and rearrange it?

[–]JiForce 0 points1 point ago

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Think of it as a badass blingy badge of office. It's done its job admirably after 40 years.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Is there really any probability that a gamete is conscious!?

[–]ViscountShiningWit 2 points3 points ago

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If you were a right wing reactionary then you would probably believe so.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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But I mean it's really just a nucleus. It responds mechanically to stimuli, but that is far from consciousness.

[–]ViscountShiningWit 1 point2 points ago

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Tell that to the Pro-lifers :P

[–]psj 1 point2 points ago

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could this be the answer to when conception begins lolllz

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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You might remember having half your genes getting torn apart one DNA link at a time. That would probably hurt.

[–]shillbert 5 points6 points ago

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Nah, DNA doesn't have nerves silly.

[–]Linelor -2 points-1 points ago

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Bad news, you just told the internet your religion. They will be coming for you.

[–]shillbert 2 points3 points ago

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Really? The internet doesn't know shit about my religion; I just pandered to the masses with the "no consciousness" thing. I thought that was the way most of Reddit swung.

[–]sugarfreelemonade 5 points6 points ago

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Your mom would slowly get less repulsive over the years.

[–]llorting101 7 points8 points ago

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you're bitter

[–]MeloJelo 1 point2 points ago

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Then you can marry her like you did your adopted daughter. Intra-family sexual relationships for the win . . .

[–]allgameplaya 2 points3 points ago

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[–]thundershaft 1 point2 points ago

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I think I'll manage.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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And then you had to do it in increasingly exponential number of ancestors until you go all the way back to the first cell.

[–]MuteSecurity 9 points10 points ago

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haha what were you not accurate about?

[–]sless44 8 points9 points ago

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Thought that was coming. I wrote "back inside your mother's vagina" but since you just appeared as an elderly person you hadn't been inside yet (assuming that you hadn't had incestuous sex with your mother).

Edit: accuracy

[–]WarPhalange 6 points7 points ago

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Speak for yourself, dude.

[–]sless44 5 points6 points ago

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Fixed.

[–]WarPhalange 2 points3 points ago

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Thank you.

[–]garenzy 1 point2 points ago

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Which vagina.

[–]Supo 1 point2 points ago

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Which orgasm?

[–]jeffAA 1 point2 points ago

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The male's?

[–]kihadat 3 points4 points ago

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Allen's portrayal of the young part is really not accurate. You lose your mental faculties way before you get to the part when you're forced back inside your mother's vagina. At about 1 year, you won't be able to remember anything long term.

[–]bestdarkslider 0 points1 point ago

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Getting old is not much different for some. Only in this case you don't have aches and pains.

[–]stortz 1 point2 points ago

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what if it's caesarean?

[–]alexalbu 0 points1 point ago

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you mean something like this?

[–]teenagelabotomy 26 points27 points ago

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not a woody allen quote

[–]rougegoat 2 points3 points ago

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My gut says it was George on Seinfeld. Am I right?

[–]teenagelabotomy 1 point2 points ago

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No, it was George Carlin.

[–]frommemebasewithlove 0 points1 point ago

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That's what I thought...

[–]Happyjacker 0 points1 point ago

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I agree. If it was Woody Allen im sure his ideal next life would involve more underage asian girls.

[–]rimrimpimpim 14 points15 points ago

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Karl Pilkington said it best

[–]but_its_eleven 7 points8 points ago

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I actually believe he may have had a valid point now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ6vFW1r1Ys

[–]ffunyman 0 points1 point ago

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What in the fuck is he trying to say?

[–]gomezlovesfuture -1 points0 points ago

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Ctrl+F: Karl. Upvote for you.

[–]fawowow 30 points31 points ago

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George Carlin said this.

[–]Zachlamydia 12 points13 points ago

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Sean Morey said it first.

[–]fawowow 1 point2 points ago

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You sure?

[–]tomtomglove 10 points11 points ago

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[–]fawowow -3 points-2 points ago

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Google is so metal \m/

[–]BYoungNY 1 point2 points ago

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Funny, this is like the ONE comedian quote that isnt attributed to George Carlin.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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I wouldn't doubt this at all. George Carlin was very good with his words; a very articulate man.

[–]bldkis 11 points12 points ago

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A cunning linguist indeed.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Yea, a masterful debater.

[–]AviciiFTW -2 points-1 points ago

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And before being an orgasm, his father was cunninlingus.

[–]MoonDaddy 1 point2 points ago

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George Carlin has nothing to do with this. It has been falsely attributed to him for years.

[–]fawowow 0 points1 point ago

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And beautiful

[–]Atario 0 points1 point ago

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—Mark Twain

[–]MoonDaddy 0 points1 point ago

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George Carlin has nothing to do with this. It has been falsely attributed to him for years.

[–]fawowow 0 points1 point ago

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Thanks. We already know.

[–]icewahine 18 points19 points ago

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The last sentence is what haunts me.. You end up an orgasm... To your own mother.

[–]godcent 16 points17 points ago

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The last sentence is what haunts me.. You end up an orgasm... IN you own mother.

FTFY

[–]jakebluu 3 points4 points ago

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I hate you. I need mind bleach

[–]lentic_catachresis 4 points5 points ago

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Yeah but back then your mom was hot!

[–]jakebluu 1 point2 points ago

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I'm gonna go kill myself

[–]internet_hobo 0 points1 point ago

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no number for jakebluu

[–]Siegy 0 points1 point ago

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Just think, in real life, you started off as an orgasm IN your own mother and exited her vagina 9 months later. All very real. Your parents had sex. True!

Just think about it the next time you have sex.

Your mom probably looked a lot like the girl your sleeping with because you likely have similar taste to your dad.

Just say'in.

[–]jakebluu 0 points1 point ago

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I'm gonna fund out where you live and kill you. I'm still not comfortable With the idea that my parents had sex. Maybe they didn't. That's what I'm gonna believe. I was produced asexually

[–]HEYtrollolol 0 points1 point ago

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Don't you mean your killer then?

[–]icemopper 0 points1 point ago

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Technically your mother didn't need to orgasm to conceive. Your father did. So you end up as your father's orgasm.

[–]zlavan 28 points29 points ago

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i thought this was george costanza

[–]CommondeNominator 5 points6 points ago

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i thought so too. I even have this picture saved somewhere in my hundreds of saved pictures, but with Art Vandele George Costanza instead of Woody Allen

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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It's actually Sean Morey

[–]PinkieKeen 9 points10 points ago

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Why would they give you a gold watch when you start work, wouldn't they take the watch you have been wearing since you were "born?" away?

[–]JackassPenguinass 4 points5 points ago

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Very good point. Also, year by year, your pay would always decrease. Kind of a jip...

[–]AviciiFTW 1 point2 points ago

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Yea, and every hot girl you ever banged, you pull out of without getting off.

[–]asshatnowhere 0 points1 point ago

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not really, as soon as you insert you cum and then little by little as you keep going the feeling wears away until it feels like you just started. then you pull out

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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Isn't that how everyone does it?... ):

[–]AviciiFTW 1 point2 points ago

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hahhah

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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Hmmmm. Someone should make this into a movie with Brad Pitt.

[–]CaptainFondleberrie 0 points1 point ago

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I was reading through the post thinking that it sounded a lot like Benjamin Button, and was very surprised that your comment wasn't at the top.

[–]ModestMuse 8 points9 points ago

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That all sounds very good and well but I would never want to relive my high school days. Just sayin'

[–]mcgriddles 3 points4 points ago

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Assuming some potential paradoxes...Your grades would be worthless and high school meaningless. You can just troll everyone all day, or not go at all. You know everything already, and whether or not you are capable of forgetting this information is pointless. Man this is trippy. So if you are living your life backwards, is it just the physical process we are talking about, or would you start with a life full of knowledge that slowly fades. I take it back, this is sad. At least with the normal way it is my own damn fault for being lazy and not learning everything.

[–]MasterJacket 3 points4 points ago

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this was an episode of red dwarf!

[–]NijjioN 0 points1 point ago

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One of the best.

[–]NameOnTheInterwebs 9 points10 points ago

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TIL Woody Allen wants to be Benjamin Button in his next life.

[–]utsavman 7 points8 points ago

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but crawling back into some random lady's vagina is what scares me

[–]JackassPenguinass 6 points7 points ago

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I've tried it - Did.NOT.Work.

[–]noseforsharpies 12 points13 points ago

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Try moseying back into some hairy man's urethra.

[–]purpleddit 4 points5 points ago

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random?

[–]utsavman 1 point2 points ago

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when you're going through life in reverse your mother will not have any connection with you other than you crawling back inside of her

[–]SystemOutPrintln 5 points6 points ago

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Except you know all those years between say 18 - 0 when you live with them.

[–]utsavman 11 points12 points ago

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well fuck, don't I look like a silly goose

[–]purpleddit 0 points1 point ago

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ah. got it. thanks.

[–]Zachlamydia 2 points3 points ago

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Originally Sean Morey's joke. Not that anyone gives a fuck.

[–]chase1420 2 points3 points ago

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it was SEAN MOREY who said it, not george carlin and not woody allen.

[–]egnelson 2 points3 points ago

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This doesn't sound so great:

You live the first 30 years of your life with no parents, and then out of nowhere they appear. They're less experienced in the world then you and overtime, they gain more and more control over your life.

Not to mention, you will assume the responsibility of children once you arrive on Earth as well. Only to lose them before you leave.

Then, as a final act you leave your mother's vagina while your dad pounds her, enter his dick, and survive in his testicles for a short time with all of your would be brothers and sisters who just didn't make the cut.

[–]egnelson 4 points5 points ago

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Actually, that last part sounds like a definite ego boost. You were the chosen one.

[–]Crono101 1 point2 points ago

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[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Summary_Haiku 1 point2 points ago

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Child of a canine,

Accuracy in this case

Is beyond a doubt.

[–]doom_of_sarnath 1 point2 points ago

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I really hope someone mentioned 'Time's Arrow' by Martin Amis. This quote is that book in a nutshell, only the main character is a doctor who, as his life progresses backwards, goes back to Germany in the 40's and creates a race (according to the narrating voice in his head). Amis is fucking amazing. Even if you don't like to read, read 'Time's Arrow.' Seriously.

[–]DerpyMcDerple 1 point2 points ago

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Uhhh they already made this movie.

[–]sunshinelollipops 1 point2 points ago

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I fucking love Woody Allen.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

[–]SenatorJ0eBiden 1 point2 points ago

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cool in theory

[–]MoonDaddy 1 point2 points ago

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Anyone who thinks this is supposed to be attributed to "George Carlin" has clearly never heard any of Carlin's humour. The man was a complete cynic and his style of humour was a lot more complex and dark than this optomistic piece of "awshucks" humour. For example, this is how Carlin ended his 2006 HBO special "Life Is Worth Losing."

[–]grond 1 point2 points ago

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People who repost this shit again and again should be beaten to death with their mother's dildo.

[–]Mikulak25 1 point2 points ago

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Woody Allen would like to be Benjamin Button.

[–]iwidiwin 1 point2 points ago

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A man can dream.

[–]monkey_fish_frog 3 points4 points ago

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He seems to have left out the part where you fuck your adopted daughter. Where does that fit in the timeline?

[–]Jreynold 2 points3 points ago

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That's a separate quote. It's actually just, "I want to bang my adopted daughter."

[–]riverduck 0 points1 point ago

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The part where she was his daughter. He dated her mother, but never even lived with her. Also the part where it was a Woody Allen quote (it's actually George Carlin).

[–]no1113 0 points1 point ago

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Okay. I gotta say. He does kind've have a good point - perspective-wise.

[–]zodar 0 points1 point ago

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Just wait. If the universe stops expanding and starts contracting again, this just may happen.

[–]The419 0 points1 point ago

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Eating. Ew.

[–]jamisixtey 0 points1 point ago

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And after the Orgasm, you become a Woody.

[–]Tor_Coolguy 0 points1 point ago

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Whenever you see something quoted on the internet, always assume it's attributed wrong or is in some way highly inaccurate, and research it (only takes a minute) before spreading misinformation.

[–]orangegluon 0 points1 point ago

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If only we were good enough to reverse entropy...

[–]ghostrider176 0 points1 point ago

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There may as well be a subreddit for reposting this and I may as well incorporate upvoting every single thread in it into my morning routine.

[–]Andy51 0 points1 point ago

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This is the greatest thing that I have ever read

[–]btmalon 0 points1 point ago

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What about the part where you are laid off after 25 years, and living in your kid's basement.

[–]mummerlimn 0 points1 point ago

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I think this is older than the internet. It's also not a Woody Allen quote.

[–]redtheda 0 points1 point ago

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That's how the aliens in "Mork and Mindy" did it. Jonathan Winters played a little kid.

[–]watyousay 0 points1 point ago*

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This actually works on a much larger scale, too.

Robert Newman's The History of the World Backwards.

".. Nelson Mandela enters prison a sweet natured Spice Girls fan and emerges from long incarceration a terrorist and revolutionary bent on the armed overthrow of the state."

[–]terzii 0 points1 point ago

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"I feel like Benjamin Button in reverse" Michael Scott

[–]shomii 0 points1 point ago

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and after orgasm you just keep on shaking in your dad's balls with your little brothers and sisters dying by the millions every now and then...

[–]elartax 0 points1 point ago

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I wonder who said this first? This same quote is all over and in multiple languages, but authorship is attributed to a wide variety of people.... mmmm

[–]anotherbozo 0 points1 point ago

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Benjamin button?

[–]AviciiFTW 0 points1 point ago

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Girls cum into your pee hole. [o_o]

[–]sergregor 0 points1 point ago

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Omitted: the part where you spend your entire life as an annoying jewish stereotype

[–]asshatnowhere 0 points1 point ago

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isnt your first days of college and highschool consisted of hard tests you have no idea what they are about? what happens if you fail them?

[–]FatCookies 0 points1 point ago

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[–]lost_cosmonaut 0 points1 point ago

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Relevant modern take: David Wilcox

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Benjamin Button

[–]someguy945 0 points1 point ago

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I heard this about 20 years ago, but it had a "clean" ending. You end up as a glint in someone's eye.

[–]Rastachronic 0 points1 point ago

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AHHH, that's the life.

[–]guria 0 points1 point ago*

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Isn't this quote from Sean Morey?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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It begs the question: why the fuck doesn't life work like this now? >=/

[–]addsjunior 0 points1 point ago

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I have read this in another website where it is mistakenly attributed to Charlie Chaplin. Googling it, some other websites say the author is neither Charlie Chaplin, nor Woody Allen. It is Sean Morey.

It is great, regardless of who wrote it.

[–]WinterInJapan 0 points1 point ago

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This actually does seem ideal.

[–]hanszimmeringbacon 0 points1 point ago

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flawless logic

[–]SemiSeriousSam 0 points1 point ago

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I know of a more depressing version SHINING

"I think we ought to start our life old. And we have all the pain, and we're feeble. And we look at our friends, and they're feeble, they're 100. But every day we get younger, and we have something to look forward to. No need to kill yourself, there's hope. And then when you reach 20, 19, 12, 10...every day is really a new day. And it's really a miracle. And then you're a baby, and you don't know your life is ending, you just suck on your mother's tit and then you die..."

[–]HowStellaGotHerJewBa 0 points1 point ago

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Einstein did it

[–]captinkelsey 1 point2 points ago

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REEEEEEEEEPOST.

[–]WhoreOnFire 1 point2 points ago

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If each and every "e" in your comment stands for a different repost that made it to the front page, then that sounds about right...

[–]traplines 2 points3 points ago

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Upvote because this made me think of one of my favourite short stories: Sum by David Eagleman. It posits an afterlife where you re-experience your life, only instead of it being sequential by time, it's sequential by categories. "You spend two months driving the street in front of your house, seven months having sex. You sleep for thirty years without opening your eyes. For five months straight you flip through magazines while sitting on a toilet."

[–]SpacemanGrey 0 points1 point ago

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Where's r/Enlightenment?

[–]THIS_IS_A_FACT 0 points1 point ago

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What about raising a daughter than banging her crosseyed when she turns 18?

[–]crises052 0 points1 point ago

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Looks like someone read (note I said read not watch) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

[–]Zazabean 0 points1 point ago

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TIL Woody Allen inspired Benjamin Button.

[–]Summary_Haiku 0 points1 point ago

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This day I obtained

The knowledge that Ol' Woody

Inspired Ben Button.

[–]calgaryfritz 0 points1 point ago

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George Carlin, not woody allan

[–]MoonDaddy 0 points1 point ago

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George Carlin has nothing to do with this. It has been falsely attributed to him for years.

[–]calgaryfritz 0 points1 point ago

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[–]kiyuragood -1 points0 points ago

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that actually sounds ... amazing

[–]SeaTwertle -3 points-2 points ago

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Whoever said it, it's the best thing I've heard, ever.

[–]FBIorange -1 points0 points ago

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He missed the part where you study your ass off...

[–]mendicant1116 -1 points0 points ago

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Benjamin Button started off as an orgasm? I need to re-watch that movie now.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

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I think this sounds a great way to live. God did it wrong!

[–]rhubarbbus -1 points0 points ago

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If I do recall, this is a Jason Alexander quote.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Source?

[–]rhubarbbus 0 points1 point ago

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It was the same thing. I saw his picture next to that quote. Actually I'm almost positive it was the same picture with the person and name switched out. So I don't really have any proof, but I always remembered it as his.

It also kind of sounds like a Jason Alexander joke.

[–]DRTYRYDR686 -1 points0 points ago

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So our entire adult work force are a bunch of uneducated old people who's retirement is school? I see a huge problem with that

[–]wdarea51 -1 points0 points ago

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The only thing i see wrong with this is that you KNOW when you are going to "die". I dont think I would want to know when I was going to die, even if someone with a crystal ball came up to me and knew the answer and offered to tell me.

[–]BuskersAndLou -1 points0 points ago

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They should make this a movie starring Brad Pitt.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

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in MY next life I'm coming back as Mike Patton

[–]I_Wont_Draw_That -1 points0 points ago

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I have been indulging in some gin, so all I bothered to read was:

In my next life I want to live backwards.

[...]

Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

And I approve.

[–]Spiro_Agnew -2 points-1 points ago

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In my next life I want to fuck 13 year old girls. Oh wait, I want to do this in my current life too...

[–]lunch72 -2 points-1 points ago

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from a man who slept with his adapted daughter...

[–]Bladelink -3 points-2 points ago

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Lol. Never thought about it but it is remarkably accurate.

[–]nbshark -3 points-2 points ago

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Mr. Allen, you are a genius