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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]BanyanZappa 359 points360 points ago

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Much worse than being killed almost to death.

[–]adihsi 154 points155 points ago

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I was scared half to death once

[–]Akraz 225 points226 points ago

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What if you're scared half to death twice? Do you die?

[–]shanem 160 points161 points ago

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Zeno's paradox, you can't die that way

[–]SamsquamtchHunter 75 points76 points ago

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after a bit, those infinitely small ones don't really count, or to paraphrase Aristotle "Fuck that shit"

[–]WhyAmINotStudying 15 points16 points ago

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The second time I was scared half to death, it only took 25% of my initial life force.

[–][deleted] 42 points43 points ago

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Imagine a person almost being hit by an arrow, scaring them half to death. Then, imagine the same person almost being run over by Achilles on a racetrack, scaring them half to death again, ad infinitum.

[–]ginja_ninja 44 points45 points ago

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Man, after a few of those diminishing returns took their toll, you'd be like an undead lich with nerves of steel or something.

[–]lollersenator 6 points7 points ago

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I'm trying so hard to understand that

[–]ijusthadpizza 7 points8 points ago

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try harder!

[–]StezzerLolz 17 points18 points ago

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I keep half understanding it...

[–]nermid 12 points13 points ago

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Fun fact: this is an alternate way to create a Horcrux.

[–]Polythello 7 points8 points ago

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Congraduations, you just nerd sniped me.

[–]unique9998 46 points47 points ago

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No, then you get scared 75% to death.

[–]theineffablebob 54 points55 points ago

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Life is not worth living if you're 3/4, 6/8, 9/12, 18/24 dead or Australian.

[–]option_i 36 points37 points ago

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Australian is incurable.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]pizza4breakfast 45 points46 points ago

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die to death.

[–]daveyboy9 9 points10 points ago

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throw another shrimp on the barbie, ride around on your kangaroos all day.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Ajinho 12 points13 points ago

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that's the joke (sometimes)

[–]Yossome 11 points12 points ago

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"My hat money buys research to find a cure for Australia. Over 22 million people are Australian each year. It is a tragedy." -Robin Walker

[–]tehjamez 12 points13 points ago

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It's like casting Demi on someone repeatedly.

[–]shillbert 14 points15 points ago

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I think casting Ashton is worse.

[–]gfixler 2 points3 points ago

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That's worse than when you kutcher hand on something!

[–]Zed_Freshly 3 points4 points ago

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And yet, inconceivably, it keeps happening.

[–]koncept61 6 points7 points ago

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finally someone putting it into words that I can understand!

[–]netwiz101 10 points11 points ago

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No. Life has a half life of half a life.

[–]TheOnlyWayToBeSure 24 points25 points ago*

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But don't worry, once you have 2 episodes of half life, you'll never reach the third.

[–]yavain01 4 points5 points ago

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Oh the third is coming, it's called after life

[–]chickenhead101 2 points3 points ago

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Yo dawg, I heard you like half-lifes...

(Oh god, I'm so sorry.)

[–]quityourbitching22 189 points190 points ago

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That happened to me once but my dad told me to walk it off

[–]Thomas1122 70 points71 points ago

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Don't be a wussy. - quityourbitching22's Dad

[–]Church004 34 points35 points ago

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quityourbitching22's Dad was once murdered to death, but he walked it off.

[–]Osiris32 17 points18 points ago

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Or quityourbitching22 is actually Christopher Titus.

[–]gftyudesd 9 points10 points ago

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This reference is soooo early 2000s.

[–]Charleym 10 points11 points ago

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Rub some dirt on it!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]quityourbitching22 11 points12 points ago

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I ate my dads brains after he said that now I have all of his knowledge and cannot die again as I am undead! Suck it DAD!!!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Zaqxswcdevfr 14 points15 points ago

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Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]gennarogattuso 3 points4 points ago

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's dead dog.

[–]Noreaga 181 points182 points ago

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In other news, a murder victim was found murdered at the murder scene in Downtown.

[–]ImNotJesus 160 points161 points ago

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Shit. I know who it was. It was the murderer.

[–]gojirra 113 points114 points ago

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The murder victim is assumed to be murdered by the murderer who murdered the victim by killing them to death until dead in what police are now calling a "murder."

[–]mdrabz 65 points66 points ago

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We'll update you with more later during our update.

[–]CaptainLeader 32 points33 points ago

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In other news, local news team gets weirdly self-aware on camera

[–]Osthato 7 points8 points ago

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This update will be delivered to you one hour after you start wondering when the update is going to be.

[–]froggy_style 4 points5 points ago

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'R' is the most menacing of sounds, that's why they call it 'murder' and not 'muckduck'

[–]Church004 17 points18 points ago

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I bet the murderer even had the balls to kill him with a murder weapon.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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shifty eyes

[–]aceoftrachs 24 points25 points ago

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Coroner's report: cause of death - killed.

[–]FunMonkeyDisease 686 points687 points ago

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Was it fatal?

[–]AlabasterWaterJug 50 points51 points ago

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Is his condition stable?

[–]shillbert 123 points124 points ago

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Yes. It looks like he's going to stay dead.

[–]The_Turbinator 16 points17 points ago

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Holly fucking shit, thanks for making me laugh out so fucking loud.

I have to use this line somehow.

[–]chefhotdog 13 points14 points ago

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Here's to hoping you're not a pediatrician.

[–]aceoftrachs 6 points7 points ago

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No, he hates horses.

[–]emocol[!] 213 points214 points ago

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Yes, he died to death.

[–]astogs23 72 points73 points ago

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[–]catchpen 70 points71 points ago

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, Jim.

[–]OmegaArcadia 44 points45 points ago

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I'm a doctor, not a Redditor.

[–]monstereddit 4 points5 points ago

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I may throw up on you

[–]mareksoon 6 points7 points ago*

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[–]taco_tuesdays 44 points45 points ago

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How fatal?

[–]Canadian_Beacon 39 points40 points ago

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Completely

[–]airhead75 38 points39 points ago

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He'll be alright, then?

[–]GentleHat 27 points28 points ago

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He's dead.

[–]theworstnoveltyacct 24 points25 points ago

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For how long?

[–]MtHammer 15 points16 points ago

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Forever.

[–]BernzSed 14 points15 points ago

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No, I think they're close to a cure.

[–]StayingTilNextCawDay 3 points4 points ago

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Of course they are.

Reddit: curing death weekly.

[–]Prophet92 5 points6 points ago

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So he'll be back in time for supper, right?

[–]Spiridytus 3 points4 points ago

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He ded till 5ever! dat longer den forever!

[–]canadafuckyeah 397 points398 points ago

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Of corpse it was.

[–]kththth 272 points273 points ago

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It was a grave situation

[–]Vato_Loco 271 points272 points ago

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Stop you guys. I'm dead serious.

[–]seasonedsourdough 214 points215 points ago

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Or what? You'll kick my ash?

[–]Kenitzka 172 points173 points ago

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This guy is so freaking stiff...

[–][deleted] 213 points214 points ago

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please, no morgue of this

[–]Dohr 168 points169 points ago

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But I can't stop coffin!

[–]radium-v 201 points202 points ago

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Nailed it.

[–]Zaqxswcdevfr 149 points150 points ago

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Killed it.

[–]pizza4breakfast 64 points65 points ago

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Cadaver? I hardly knew her.

[–]notreefitty 17 points18 points ago

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It's a shame. If you see a white light, it's reddit still open on your monitor.

[–]kevka 16 points17 points ago

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Killer pun thread, right here.

[–]cerebrix 3 points4 points ago

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puts on sunglasses

[–]seasonedsourdough 64 points65 points ago

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This is tomb much

[–]249ba36000029bbe9749 25 points26 points ago

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From the graphics on the screen it looked like that report was at 4:34 am in the morning.

[–]MrDribbles 130 points131 points ago

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Oh good thing you clarified, I thought it was 4:34 am in the afternoon.

[–]shillbert 16 points17 points ago

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Ah, the lesser known pre meridiem/after meridiem system.

[–]jaynoir 4 points5 points ago

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I laughed almost as hard at this comment as I did at the original post.

[–]Smutley 2 points3 points ago

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[–]MrGoodbytes 34 points35 points ago

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One day he'll wake up dead.

[–]Madhadda 10 points11 points ago

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How in the hell do you wake up dead?

[–]MrGoodbytes 22 points23 points ago

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Ask Michael Jackson

[–]tehjamez 37 points38 points ago

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's doctor.

[–]snaxorb 2 points3 points ago

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[–]ENKC 23 points24 points ago

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It sounds like he was Killed by Death.

[–]jmhdsn 5 points6 points ago

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I was looking for this. God (Lemmy) bless you, sir.

[–]rickfrancocom 22 points23 points ago

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[–]absurdlyobfuscated 9 points10 points ago

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You know, I came here to post that exact link, verbatim, at the same 18s spot and everything. Now I will upvote you until you... something... crap, I haven't thought this through.

[–]ImNotJesus 2 points3 points ago

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First guy to die.. LOSES

[–]CrackItching 19 points20 points ago

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Way to go, Charlotte.

[–]Petedabeat 12 points13 points ago

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Charlotte, represent!

[–]restrik 9 points10 points ago

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we keep it classy

[–]bh28630 5 points6 points ago

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Home to Bank of America, the Carolina Panthers and rather odd local news.

[–]the_heisenburglar 2 points3 points ago

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here here

[–]simpsun728 2 points3 points ago

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good 'ol 704

[–]RobbieHodge 2 points3 points ago

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Charlotter checkin in.

[–]actuallylegit 2 points3 points ago

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I saw this picture and did a facepalm.

[–]downneck 20 points21 points ago

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to shreds you say?

[–]eddhall 13 points14 points ago

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Well, how's his wife holding up?

[–]downneck 12 points13 points ago

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to shreds you say?

[–]froggy_style 6 points7 points ago

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Good news everyone!

[–]crooks5001 35 points36 points ago

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Solid tautological action there.

[–]lolbacon 18 points19 points ago

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Of all the new headlines, that was one.

[–]Zoccihedron 12 points13 points ago

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All tautologies are tautological.

[–]ohpleaseno 32 points33 points ago

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Much better than killing them softly.

[–]yelnatz 25 points26 points ago

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With this song?

[–]fondlemeLeroy 18 points19 points ago

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No, with this knife.

[–]Bring_Napkins 9 points10 points ago

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...and my axe.

[–]Prophet92 2 points3 points ago

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Look, leave the axe behind Gimli, we're killing him to death, not OVERkilling him to death. We're saving that shit for Jim.

[–]hvk 13 points14 points ago

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Department of redundancy department.

[–]Ragnalypse 50 points51 points ago*

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[–]lolbacon 15 points16 points ago

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[–]pizza4breakfast 7 points8 points ago

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yethhh!

[–]U_CantBeSerious 10 points11 points ago

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Was hoping this would get posted so I wouldnt have to go find it.

[–]squigglycircle 2 points3 points ago

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[–]wyrmw00d 12 points13 points ago

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Not one Motörhead reference?! Reddit I am disappoint.

[–]pigferret 5 points6 points ago

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ctrl+f: Motorhead

Also disappoint.

"Killed by Death."

Have you seen "Lemmy"?

[–]MustStopMasturbating 72 points73 points ago

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But people die if they are killed...

[–]fashizzIe 107 points108 points ago

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[–]IdTugYourBoat 13 points14 points ago

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Knew that was coming.

Cause and effect.

[–]toaf 3 points4 points ago

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What is this from?

[–]llnnin 3 points4 points ago*

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Fate/Stay Night, the prequel to this Fate/Zero just came out with episode three, pretty good series.

[–]Kardlonoc 2 points3 points ago

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[–]OnionLord 11 points12 points ago

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OMG, was it an MDK?

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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MURDER DEATH KILL.

[–]switch_case 11 points12 points ago

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Not as bad as being murdered to death.

[–]Ryuzaki51 7 points8 points ago

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Glad to see Jim Belushi has moved on to a new project...

[–]penzoilthehippo 17 points18 points ago

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Killing results in death 100% of the time and unfortunately we have yet to find a cure. Please donate now.

[–]shillbert 12 points13 points ago

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No, don't donate to this guy. The real pandemic is living. Also resulting in a 100% death rate, this fatal disease affects every person ever born.

[–]HuruHara 3 points4 points ago

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Life is a fatal, sexually transmitted disease !

Wake up, Sheeple ‽‽‽

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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This is like the Raid slogan--"kills bugs dead"...

What does it mean?!

[–]Platypuskeeper 8 points9 points ago

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It's usually attributed to beat poet Lew Welch. The redundancy is intentional. It's (figuratively) overkill - which in its more literal sense is exactly what they want people to associate Raid with. It's a genius slogan.

[–]Dr_Herp_Derp 8 points9 points ago

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I'm gonna kill you so hard... You'll.... You'll... Die!

[–]bigdamnjay 6 points7 points ago

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Somewhat relevant, years ago when my car was hit by another and the guy fled, I explained to the cop that he was a "White Caucasian".

[–]shillbert 3 points4 points ago

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That actually does make sense. A lot of people who originate from the southern Caucasus region are not really white (e.g. those from Georgia, Armenia, and Azerbaijan)

[–]RobotVisions 22 points23 points ago

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If two negatives make a positive, does this mean he's okay? Hmmm

[–]ImNotJesus 48 points49 points ago

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You're a failure and your mother doesn't love you. How positive are you feeling right now?

[–]u8eR 7 points8 points ago

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This kills the man.

[–]shotpaintballer 4 points5 points ago

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They're actually talking to the victim in that picture.

[–]beernerd 4 points5 points ago

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When I was a kid, I was convinced by the news that Point Blank was a place. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to go there. Didn't they know that was where all those people kept getting shot?

[–]AlexTheLion 4 points5 points ago

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I've worked in a television news station and it's kind of astounding that this doesn't happen more often. Even for the one I worked for which had a fairly "medium-sized" demographic (about a million people in the area it was broadcasted to), they were making last second changes to those titles all the time.

Literally 10 seconds before it was going up, they would make a drastic change to what it said or create it on the spot.

tl;dr: Worked in a newstation before, this stuff should happen more often.

[–]GraffyGirl 3 points4 points ago

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and to think. that man was alive before he was killed to death.

[–]gentlebot 12 points13 points ago

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Must've happened in Japan.

[–]zowki 6 points7 points ago

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[–]ithinkimgay 7 points8 points ago

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Charlotte news givin it to ya straight!

[–]darkjedisa 3 points4 points ago*

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[–]jim9162 3 points4 points ago

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You cant bring food here, food attracts animals. This one time, a bear came, and the Bear had to be destroyed. So they shot it in the head and they killed it and it died

[–]Legend_of_Derp 3 points4 points ago

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I lost my father the very same way...a mugger was killing him, and ended up killing him to death. He just wouldn't stop killing him...

[–]KaKaMojo 3 points4 points ago

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"People die when they are killed." -Shirou

[–]russlawl 2 points3 points ago

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I bet he was alive moments before his death too.

[–]mbooshay 4 points5 points ago

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It lasted for the period of time it took!

[–]Killed_by_Death 6 points7 points ago

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Hey! That's exactly how I died!

[–]skullflower 5 points6 points ago

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did he died?

[–]r0ckarong 6 points7 points ago

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Really reddit, you circlejerking bastards a man gets killed to death and you don't even axe how it ended. Shame on you.

Since no one else bothered to ask: Did he died?

[–]WuhanWTF 2 points3 points ago

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I'LL KILL YOU TO DEATH! ARRGHH!!!

[–]Astronomist 2 points3 points ago

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Someone should live him back to life.

[–]roflsd 2 points3 points ago

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This kills the human.

[–]pongsin_sang 2 points3 points ago

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"People die when they are killed.

[–]subgenius37 2 points3 points ago

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Death continues to be the number 1 killer.

[–]DrDreampop 4 points5 points ago

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One time I was dying until I was killed, but I'm okay now.

[–]Oswalt 5 points6 points ago

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Superboy Prime is to blame.

[–]seasonedsourdough 3 points4 points ago

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What is the world coming to...

[–]fondlemeLeroy 2 points3 points ago

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Eventually it's going to be mortally wounded to death.

[–]toadkiller 1 point2 points ago

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Channel overlay says it's 4:34, video is live, it's dark outside = one tired as fuck editor sitting in the station half-asleep.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I hate when this happens.

[–]Awful_Antagonist 1 point2 points ago

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What was the cause of death?

[–]avatar28 5 points6 points ago

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Can't you read? Clearly the cause of death was due to being killed.

[–]ajoiner 1 point2 points ago

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"...he just kept killing him and killing him, and I could tell that he was getting killed so much that he was going to die!"

[–]GhostlyEmployee 1 point2 points ago

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I once had a young man in fourth grade inform me that he was going to "kill [me] to death" if I didn't shut up.

[–]Zimyver 1 point2 points ago

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The audience is so stupid that have to have a tautology, because the viewers are idiots.

[–]dbp13 1 point2 points ago

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A salmon shirt and what appears to be a cheetah print tie underneath a windbreaker. This man dressed himself today.

[–]bingybingy 1 point2 points ago

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You guys keep laughing but dying is the leading cause of death!

[–]thebutlerofdoom 1 point2 points ago

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Fuck yes this is my news station!

[–]psychi 1 point2 points ago

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He probably suffered a hand squeezy death. "You killed him! You killed him dead, man!" @ 2:32

[–]thisistorture 1 point2 points ago

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Only one man can be responsible for such an atrocity.

[–]ImNotJesus 1 point2 points ago

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Ahh the slow torturous death of being a reporter that get's the 4:30am jobs at a small news station. Poor guy.

[–]oD3 1 point2 points ago

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Apparently he made a full recovery.

[–]ohnastyrobo 1 point2 points ago

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That is how my grandpa died:(

[–]Tayne-Crentist 1 point2 points ago

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We'll settle this the old Navy way. First guy to die, LOSES!

[–]TheGreyDuck 1 point2 points ago

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Leave it to Chris Berman to coin a phrase like that.

[–]jamesneysmith 1 point2 points ago

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Reminds me of the movie Murder By Death (which is fantastic by the way)

[–]CptMurphy 1 point2 points ago

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Until my death, Imma stay alive! Survival of the fittest only the strong survive!

[–]Wolfengene 1 point2 points ago

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DUDE! NSFL Oh my god that description was disgusting.

[–]MontegoBarbados 1 point2 points ago

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Sources say the man did not survive long enough to live.

[–]nikbackm 1 point2 points ago

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