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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Hitchcock_Blonde 591 points592 points ago

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Did something kind of like this but subtler to my mother's Blackberry (I'm ashamed to admit how recently). Her name is Dianne, so I replaced "I" with "Dianne", "my" with "Dianne's", "me" with "Dianne", etc. I'd all but forgotten about it by the time she mentioned to me that her phone had been doing something weird for a couple months. I completely lost it. She was not nearly as amused as I was when I told her I did it.

[–]ajadoniz 434 points435 points ago

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can you bring Dianne some pens from the store? Dianne lost Dianne's packet of pens Dianne just bought. thx

[–]ray13eezy 312 points313 points ago

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BOB DOLE

[–]thebattlingsiki 128 points129 points ago

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MATT DAMON

[–]Dr_Kitten 198 points199 points ago

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STEVE HOLT!

[–]viper_dude08 109 points110 points ago

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\o/

[–]pedropants[!] 22 points23 points ago

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KITTY!

[–]chdhmphry 2 points3 points ago

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\(.)(.)/

[–]Mr-and-Mrs 9 points10 points ago

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Rickey Henderson doesn't think anybody is as good as Rickey Henderson.

[–]Atario 157 points158 points ago

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George is gettin' uspet!

[–]Agent9262 70 points71 points ago

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George likes his chicken spicy.

[–]koviko 34 points35 points ago

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George needs some love.

Daddy horny, Michael.

[–]HMJBurner 11 points12 points ago

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Jimmy's down!

[–]Hyrule34 14 points15 points ago

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Jimmy's gonna get you. Jimmy holds grudges.

[–]Pantheonofoak 43 points44 points ago

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these pretzels are making me thirsty

[–]Albrecht_Letao 50 points51 points ago

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I SAID

THESE PRETZELS

ARE MAKIN' ME THIRSTY

[–]Pantheonofoak 18 points19 points ago

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** Can't stand ya**

[–]richhend 8 points9 points ago

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Fuck me in the ass!

[–]tfurdal 88 points89 points ago

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Oh my god, she narrated her own life in third person, that's amazing

[–]certainsomebody 26 points27 points ago*

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Fun fact: this is called illeism, and people who do it are illeists.

[–]Judazz 32 points33 points ago

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I'm laughing way to much at this.

[–]QBlank 22 points23 points ago

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MALKOVICH

[–]Zed_Freshly 8 points9 points ago

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This reminds me of an acquaintance of mine who changed all his Final Fantasy 7 character names to pronouns.

[–]Monthenor 8 points9 points ago

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...which in turn reminds me of putting Twilight Princess into "Canadian Mode" by renaming Link to "eh".

[–]3DPipes 4 points5 points ago

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"It sure would be nice if she started remembering things, eh, eh?"

[–]jck 5 points6 points ago

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Did something kind of like this but subtler to Hitchcock_Blonde's mother's Blackberry (I'm ashamed to admit how recently). Her name is Dianne, so I replaced "Hitchcock_Blonde" with "Dianne", "Hitchcock_Blonde's" with "Dianne's", "Hitchcock_Blonde" with "Dianne", etc. I'd all but forgotten about it by the time she mentioned to me that her phone had been doing something weird for a couple months. Hitchcock_Blonde completely lost it. She was not nearly as amused as Hitchcock_Blonde was when Hitchcock_Blonde told her Hitchcock_Blonde did it.

FTFY

[–]eric22vhs 2 points3 points ago

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This is pretty awesome. I've been sitting here for five minutes trying to think of ways to use this that would be funny and mess with someone without screwing up their life.. this sounds good.

[–]rankio 244 points245 points ago

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I'd change "hi" to BATTLECRUISER REPORTING

[–]airmandan 64 points65 points ago

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CARRIER HAS ARRIVED

[–]jdiez17 22 points23 points ago

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WARP FIELD STABILIZED.

[–]jhomarz 13 points14 points ago

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kekekeke

[–]FatCat433 48 points49 points ago

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Change "bye" to JOBS DONE

[–]texpundit 19 points20 points ago

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[–]luag 6 points7 points ago

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It's accidentional.

[–]Mo3 2 points3 points ago

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Who called in the fleet?

[–]chadbh 614 points615 points ago

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Oh, the fun that could be had. j/k = Seriously :-( = :-) Sorry = Awesome

Example: Awesome to hear that your mother just died :-)

[–]rednecktash 87 points88 points ago

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in that case, it'd be better to leave a dormant implant..such as died = got fucked in the ass

[–]IncurableCivilian 156 points157 points ago

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I'm awesome, but I just about got fucked in the ass laughing at that.

[–]mythstified 26 points27 points ago

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Seriously.

[–][deleted] 164 points165 points ago

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I bet that bitch is sorry that she broke up with you now. - - - > I bet that bitch is awesome that she broke up with you now.

[–]toast_recon 469 points470 points ago

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"Glad" instead of awesome works for every scenario.

"Glad to hear your mother just died :)"

"I bet that bitch is glad she broke up with you."

"I'm glad for your loss", "I'm glad I offended you", "If I offended you, I'm glad." "I just wanted to say that I'm deeply glad, from the bottom of my heart"

[–]ponce_de_leon 386 points387 points ago

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this would be directly responsible for a Canadian apocalypse.

[–]ANyTimEfOu 152 points153 points ago

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I'd be glad. :-)

[–]Xiphcreature 46 points47 points ago

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You think that's bad? It would turn National Sorry Day here in Australia into a civil war.

[–]Ruscour 24 points25 points ago

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To be fair, Sorry Day doesn't mean anything anyway.

[–]koviko 25 points26 points ago

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ʇɐɥʇ ʇnoqɐ ʎɹɹos

[–]Churba 2 points3 points ago

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Yeah, it does. It meant that Kevin Rudd got Elected for promising it.

[–]fiat_lux_ 12 points13 points ago

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That just goes to show the glad state of affairs that political correctness and politeness has led to in Canada.

[–]UsernameUser 54 points55 points ago

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Fuck me in the ass

[–]GenEric001 25 points26 points ago

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Honestly, I'd rather have my friend say "I heard your mother just died. I'm awesome."

[–]bonjourdan 22 points23 points ago

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It's 3:30 in the morning, and I'm creeping with my iOS5 in complete darkness while laughing out loud at this in my bed.

I'd HATE me if I saw me.

[–]xxxdarkhorsexxx 6 points7 points ago

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Oh my god me too! Just woke up the wife, this really hit me and I can't help but laugh

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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All these comments are the "What would have been said" Why don't they just go commando and make these shortcuts so these fuck ups can actually happen.

[–]iamnotafish 257 points258 points ago

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Im going to change "Hey" to "Sex tonight?"

[–]firelion 148 points149 points ago

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have to also change k. I hate when people respond with just a 'k'. k will be changed to "when you gonna let me tap that"

[–]auraslip 94 points95 points ago

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or potassium.

[–]sensitivePornGuy 10 points11 points ago

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I am a slovenly speaker, so I quite often text:

'K

Gotta have that apostrophe there.

[–]cloudedice 9 points10 points ago

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'when you gonna let me tap that

FTFY

[–]agentcoco 2 points3 points ago

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I just tried that. Shortcut has to be at least 2 letters. Damnit

[–][deleted] 79 points80 points ago

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Change all words to random sexual acts.

[–]dekuskrub1 99 points100 points ago

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change every word to "anal?"

[–][deleted] 149 points150 points ago

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anal? anal? anal? anal? anal? anal? anal? anal?

anal? anal? anal?

[–]Zohmbi 104 points105 points ago

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Fuck me in the ass!

[–]IMasturbateToMyself 44 points45 points ago

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anal? anal? anal? anal? anal?!

[–]KoRazDigital 61 points62 points ago

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Hodor!

[–]Biny 11 points12 points ago

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HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR HODOR

[–]nevstar 2 points3 points ago

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Walder!

[–]Major_Colvin 24 points25 points ago

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OH ALRIGHT FINE!!!

he talked me into it

[–]uptwolait 4 points5 points ago

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Relevant fact: If you have a Droid X, type the text "Wanna meet me for a little snak?" It autocorrects to "Wanna meet me for a little anal?"

Embarrassing story behind how I learned that one.

[–]HighAsAKiteFlying 2 points3 points ago

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Change 'anal' to something other than 'anal' too.

[–]randomb0y 24 points25 points ago

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Change ALL THE WORDS.

[–]MogusMaximus 21 points22 points ago

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Mom, Hey. How's it going?

[–]babyborn 244 points245 points ago

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I wasted about 15 minutes on my iphone with ios4 before I realized it was only on ios5...

[–]PierreP 72 points73 points ago

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THANK YOU!

[–]Jowitz 192 points193 points ago

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What would be incredibly evil would be to automatically exchange a correctly used word for a subtly misspelled one, or something with poor grammar (their->they're, its->it's, etc).

[–]psylichon 391 points392 points ago

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My iPhone does this without any intervention.

[–]ebop 70 points71 points ago

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It wants to add apostrophes to everything! No iOS, sometimes I DO want to use "its" or "hell" instead of "it's" and "he'll."

[–]Ozlin 66 points67 points ago

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Except when I don't then it does the opposite. I swear there's some troll mind reading magic going on.

[–]Domooo 7 points8 points ago

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It regularly autocorrects the word lame into Kane for me.

[–]cuentanueva 22 points23 points ago

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That's assuming they can actually spell... More often than not you'll end up helping them.

[–]teh_q 5 points6 points ago

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I saw a forum once that filtered "post" to "poast". Thought that was pretty good.

[–]redditcontrol 767 points768 points ago

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Can I up vote this twice. Fuck me in the ass!

[–]ray13eezy 159 points160 points ago

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WHERE IN THE FUCK IS i_only_say_lol WHEN YOU NEED HIM???

[–]brambu 66 points67 points ago

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he can't log in anymore..

[–]Lonadar 117 points118 points ago

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i_only_say_Fuck me in the ass!

[–]leslieohene 17 points18 points ago

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My kind of lover.

[–]i_only_say_lol 64 points65 points ago

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lol

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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Its magic!

[–]honor646 2 points3 points ago

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Fuck me in the ass!

FTFY

[–]tobiov 26 points27 points ago

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amen

[–]notAcrimeScene 30 points31 points ago

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semen

[–]sumebrius 31 points32 points ago

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ramen

[–]Anthromorphic_Food 23 points24 points ago

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hymen

[–]FoxtrotBeta6 23 points24 points ago

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Jamie Hyneman

[–]beefstick86 3 points4 points ago

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Men

[–]explodingzebras 4 points5 points ago

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  1. find preacher/pastor/vicar/Flanders with iPhone
  2. Shortcut: amen --> semen

[–]tyeh26 296 points297 points ago

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Fuck me in the ass!

[–]Dabboo 161 points162 points ago

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She was totally like "ROFL as if you'did that!" then I was like "LMAO I know what the hell?" Then we were both like "Fuck me in the ass!"

[–]Cendeu 8 points9 points ago

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At first, I didn't get your comment. Then I finally understood how the post worked.

Fuck me in the ass!

[–]BananaJams 37 points38 points ago

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Where is "i_only_say_Fuck me in the ass!"?

[–]fuck_me_in_the_ass 25 points26 points ago

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Fuck me in the ass!

[–]GroovyBoomstick 22 points23 points ago

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Fuck me in the ass!oFuck me in the ass!oFuck me in the ass!oFuck me in the ass!o

[–]airhead75 2 points3 points ago

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trolololol

[–]Barrister_of_the_Bar 17 points18 points ago

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You are evil. I like it.

[–]aguacate 6 points7 points ago

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Now, this may tickle...

[–]llahlahkje 108 points109 points ago

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It is times like this that I rejoice in my total aversion to the phrase "lol".

Fuck me in the ass.

[–]Johnny_Blaze 57 points58 points ago

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AS YOU COMMAND!

[–]yellowfish04 86 points87 points ago

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What about changing their signature? As far as I know, you never see your own signature on your outgoing texts. People would be quite curious why every single text you send ends with "Fuck me in the ass!"

[–]Vindexus 167 points168 points ago

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I'm pretty sure someone did that to my reddit account.

<It's Sher@mie:)>

[–]randomb0y 69 points70 points ago

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That's pretty much synonymous with "sent from my iPhone" anyway.

[–]Ranlier 29 points30 points ago

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You need to be subtler:

"Anyone who says a [woman/man] can't enjoy it in the ass is no friend of mine."

[–]tom3r 217 points218 points ago

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I take it from all orifices. EDIT: Oops meant to say rofl

[–][deleted] 83 points84 points ago

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You didn't actually edit!

[–][deleted] 94 points95 points ago*

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If you edit within 180 seconds of posting, it doesn't show up as edited.

[–]frenshy 73 points74 points ago

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If you edit a post the ghost of a dead baby will downvote all your posts - unless you upvote this post, obviously.

[–]Varyter 45 points46 points ago

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AND SEND THIS TO FIVE FRIENDS IN TWENTY MINUTES.

[–]Ruscour 29 points30 points ago

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THEN PRESS CTRL+F12, PUT YOUR HAND ON YOUR SCREEN, AND LOOK AT YOUR HAND. IT WILL SHOW YOU THE NAME OF YOUR SOULMATE

[–]UselessRedditor 24 points25 points ago

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IT'S CRTL+F13 YOU BOOB

[–]Ruscour 30 points31 points ago

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HOW FOOLISH OF ME, NO WONDER I HAVEN'T FOUND MY SOULMATE

[–]mb9023 2 points3 points ago

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ALT+F4 ALT+F4

[–]Major_Colvin 4 points5 points ago

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I'm gonna break a tree root off in your shrimp!

[–]Atario 6 points7 points ago*

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If you edit within 60 seconds of posting, it doesn't show up as edited.

Three minutes, actually.

[–]Plonqor 8 points9 points ago

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180s = 3m

[–]Atario 6 points7 points ago

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Ironically, he edited it. Well, two can play at that game...

[–]zoolander951 2 points3 points ago

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But you didn't play at that game! Fuck me on the ass

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago

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So far we have 60 seconds, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, and 3 minutes.

[–]Phoenixzeus 12 points13 points ago

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Don't forget 2.5 months.

[–]BCMM 14 points15 points ago

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If you edit within 2.5 months, it doesn't mark the post as edited.

[–]neren 210 points211 points ago

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If you're feeling extra vicious:

  1. Do this to a friend with a significant other.

  2. Make the word 'babe' a shortcut for the name of friend's ex.

  3. "Can't wait to see you tonight, babe! <3" - Friend

  4. Prepare popcorn.

  5. Enjoy fireworks.

[–]ray13eezy 192 points193 points ago

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As someone with a somewhat short-tempered wife, I can assure you that this would result in my death.

[–]omnidirectional 21 points22 points ago

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AGREED.

Her response: He did do that, I have the e-mail to prove it.

[–]anobuzz 61 points62 points ago

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Or 'Alejandro.'

[–]Atario 36 points37 points ago

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Important: make sure your friend is in the habit of calling the significant other "babe".

[–]DerisiveMetaphor 69 points70 points ago

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you are evil

[–]sexgott 20 points21 points ago

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I hear bitches love getting called "babe"

[–]SarahPalinisaMuslim 25 points26 points ago

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When I hear a girl say the name "babe" it is 100 times worse. In public, some bitch and some douche are waiting in line behind me, douche is not paying attention, the following occurs:

"babe. babe. what should I get babe? BABE. what are you getting? BABE."

[–][deleted] 36 points37 points ago

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"Bartholomew. Bartholomew. what should I get Bartholomew? BARTHOLOMEW. what are you getting? BARTHOLOMEW."

Babe is far less annoying.

[–]doublescoop 12 points13 points ago

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Fuck me in the ass! I am proud to admit that one of my middle names is in fact Bartholomew.

[–]poo-poo 12 points13 points ago

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one of my middle names

How many do you have?

[–]Antrikshy 6 points7 points ago

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Cue the popcorn eating GIFs.

[–]Unrelated_Gif 28 points29 points ago

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[–]dp_ 103 points104 points ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

[–]andreiknox 68 points69 points ago

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The thing is that this doesn't happen automatically, you get a little notification when writing the original word, so you can't miss it.

Captain Buzz Kill awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

[–]nonscience[S] 54 points55 points ago

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But if you're typing a quick response and just say "lol" enter.

It's already too late...

[–]andreiknox 65 points66 points ago

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Yeah, but if you're the kind of person to send a text containing just "lol", you kind of deserve this to happen to you.

[–]lagadu 39 points40 points ago

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I find no flaw in your argument.

[–]Foreverlonelyyyyy 6 points7 points ago

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Not so much an argument as a truism.

[–]CluckFemson 131 points132 points ago

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Who uses "lol" anymore?? It's all about the "haha" now.

[–]Pebbles112 133 points134 points ago

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haha, I use haha way too much.... haha.

[–]JustKea10 52 points53 points ago

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lol

[–]devine13 59 points60 points ago

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SOMEBODY HELP THIS MAN HE'S DROWNING!!!

[–]paulw252 113 points114 points ago

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NO! I will not fuck you in the ass!

[–]Megapwnd 37 points38 points ago

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HAHA

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points ago

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loooool

[–]yParticle 5 points6 points ago

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way out

[–]buttplugsforlife 23 points24 points ago

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Anyone else thinking "hoho" is the way forward?

[–]Foreverlonelyyyyy 9 points10 points ago

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Depends on if you're Santa.

[–]mason092 10 points11 points ago*

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I use lol and haha differently. Lol has lost its actual meaning, so if I just chuckle a little and find it mildly funny, I use this. I think haha better expresses laughter so I use it when I actually more strongly think something it funny. Lol is just if I don't really think it's funny enough to warrant a full haha.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points ago

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I don't know...I still see a lot of people use Fuck me in the ass!

[–]Albatoonoe 21 points22 points ago

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It's all about "Kekekekekekeke"

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Kerafyrm 13 points14 points ago

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HUEHUEHUEHUE

[–]porh 8 points9 points ago

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haha? pfft. hahaha is where the money's at now

[–]crowsnot 32 points33 points ago

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I went to the candy store to by some Fuck Me In The Asslipops. Twenty five cents a piece!

[–]Gantyman 40 points41 points ago

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Wait, what? How?!

[–]nonscience[S] 72 points73 points ago

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It's a new feature with IOS5. Customizable phrase keyboard shortcuts.

[–]Finssufari 22 points23 points ago

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can you show the steps to get to this point?

[–]youneedabettername 42 points43 points ago

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Settings > General > Keyboard > Add New Shortcut.

[–]Finssufari 27 points28 points ago

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Thanks. I have not yet acquired this new technology they call the "iPhone"

[–]nateblack 30 points31 points ago

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i like to be more subtle.

just change:

friend into "friend"

[–]sweetnumb 10 points11 points ago

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Am I the only one who took forever to realize that the quotes ARE the change? I'm sitting here going: friend or friend, what the fuck they are completely identical!

[–]mtux96 9 points10 points ago

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Too subtle.

Friend to Fiend

[–]Judazz 17 points18 points ago

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[–]Eff_Tee 9 points10 points ago

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heh, just reminded me of when I used to do this in typing class. I = 40 pages of wingdings.

[–]nickah 25 points26 points ago

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This made me Fuck me in the ass.

[–]GeorgeRomero 9 points10 points ago

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I Fuck me in the ass everytime I scroll passed this.

[–]Furiousmoe 9 points10 points ago

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"omg" = "I don't really give a shit about this"

[–]bstampl1 36 points37 points ago

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I remember doing this to my college roommate's computer, freshman year. I changed a ton of words in the Autocorrect in MS Word, except I tried to make the changes subtle.

He did not like his grade on his history paper about the Punic Wars

[–]KerrickLong 39 points40 points ago

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I get it... Fuck me in the ass! It's PUBIC Wars! Fuck me in the ass!oFuck me in the ass!oFuck me in the ass!oFuck me in the ass!

[–]Ragnalypse 25 points26 points ago

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This is fucking brilliant. I can only imagine their intense confusion when they accidentally send this crap.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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This is another evil thing to do.. swap your contact phone numbers... then send texts :)

I did this to my ex that was cheating. I plugged in my number under HIS contact details with a secondary phone I had...

Oh man.. that was glorious!

[–]auraslip 2 points3 points ago

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laughing while crying and jerking off is..... crymaxic.

[–]spazzmckiwi 23 points24 points ago

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Trying to imagine that trolololo song at this point.

[–]_Francis 10 points11 points ago

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[–]CouncilmanDougWilson 10 points11 points ago

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Sorry, must downvote so none of my friends see. (Only joking, thanks for the prank will def try, and you have earned your upvote)

[–]TurkletonPhD 20 points21 points ago

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Better than the whole "LOL I HACKED UR FACEBOOK AND PUT A FUNNY STATUS! LOL!"

[–]Victreebel 15 points16 points ago

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I always customize their settings so that only I can see their posts. They usually take a few weeks before they figgure it out.

[–]Uplus2622 5 points6 points ago

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I'm going to add this to my own phone. Far more interesting, and a great conversation starter.

[–]thetubes 5 points6 points ago

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Enter Passcode

[–]p1nz 6 points7 points ago

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Make sure you add l o l in also, for when they try to explain.

[–]bemota 5 points6 points ago

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Or "l o l" = "FORNICATE ME FROM BEHIND"

"A: Fuck me in the ass. B: did you just ask me to fuck you in the ass? A: No! I said FORNICATE ME FROM BEHIND! "

[–]CoolMoose 5 points6 points ago

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Hey = Sup cunt

[–]SeriousJack 11 points12 points ago

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Let's pretend for the whole day on reddit that "lol" means "Fuck me in the ass!" and see what happens.

[–]LovingJudas 5 points6 points ago*

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I would prefer to do the subtle changes that one might not notice, while making them look like an ass. Shortcut: "the" Phrase: "teh" * Shortcut : "your" Phrase: "you're" * Shortcut : "of" Phrase: "fo" * Shortcut : "thanks" Phrase: "TETSUOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Edit:formatting fail.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

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Change "love" to "hate", "sorry" to "glad" (as mentioned by this fine fellow ), "k" and "kk" to "fuck you", and "fuck you" to "thank you".

[–]a31g 3 points4 points ago

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if they have a significant other change "love" to "fuck" . it could either turn out bad, or very pleasurable

[–]vahntitrio 7 points8 points ago

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And when they come back and tell you to fix it, just change things up a bit.

[–]nonscience[S] 40 points41 points ago

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No just say it was Steve Jobs' last hurrah... unfixable.

[–]PlusFiveStrength 5 points6 points ago

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"friend"

[–]boredHunt 2 points3 points ago

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Change "their" to "there," "then" to "than," "your" to "you're," and vice versa. Unless they already use them incorrectly. Then do whatever Fuck me in the ass!