I hate this about myself.

Gadgetlam · 11 months

actually when people communicate, the speaker is usually the one who is supposed to break eye contact and occasionally look around, and the listener is normally expected to maintain more eye contact. This is because the listener has to comprehend what the speaker is talking about and hence more attention is paid.

http://www.au.af.mil/au/awc/awcgate/kline-listen/b10ch5.htm

so it is a pretty normal reaction...

hoya14 · 11 months

I admit it may just be me, but there is nothing more awkward than someone who never breaks eye contact while speaking. I start freaking out:

"Oh, shit. We're staring at each other. This is weird, isn't it. Should I look away? But then I'll seem uninterested. Fuck this is awkward. STOP LOOKING AT ME PLEASE."

And in the meantime, I've missed everything the person was saying.

i_am_awkward · 11 months

You know what's socially awkward? I can never concentrate on what the other person is saying when I'm making eye contact. So from a 3rd party perspective, it looks like I'm having an intense stare-off with the person while they're talking. And because I can't pay attention to what they're saying, guess what? When it's my turn to speak, I end up standing there like a retard going "shit what did this person just say?"

tendorphin · 11 months

This is actually natural in western society. In normal conversation you keep eye contact as a submissive posture so the talker knows they are currently in control of the convo. Keeping eye contact while speaking is usually seen as aggressive and rude. So no socially awkward penguin for you! Socially AWESOME penguin.

[EDIT] this is unclear, and I apologize. The speaker should male eye contact occasionally, but not the whole time. That is all.

[EDIT 2] this is officially my most upvoted comment. I'm ok with that.

MagnusKristof · 11 months

i look away because im too afraid of aiming my breath at people :(

Stabone130 · 11 months

I usually stare at their mouths, instead of their eyes. I wonder what that says about me. Maybe I have a subtle hearing problem?

scart22 · 11 months

[–]tendorphin 100 points 3 hours ago This is actually natural in western society. In normal conversation you keep eye contact as a submissive posture so the talker knows they are currently in control of the convo. Keeping eye contact while speaking is usually seen as aggressive and rude. So no socially awkward penguin for you! Socially AWESOME penguin.

This is actually (essentially) true if you're white in western society. I learned a few years ago that when a black person is talking to another black person, they do exactly the opposite. The person talking maintains hard eye contact with the listener, while the listener "roams" with his/her eyes.

Totally normal when speaking to another person within your sub-group, but imagine the havoc this wreaks when a black man and a white man are talking!

White man talking, black man listening: White man "roaming". Black man "roaming". This is normal for both of them. White man sees the black man as "not paying attention" or "not showing respect". Black man sees the white man as "not giving the conversation his full attention" or "not showing respect".

Black man talking, white man listening: White man, prolonged eye contact. Black man, prolonged eye contact. Both men see the other as overly aggressive or confrontational. Regardless of the actual conversation happening or the tone thereof, both men are going to take the (perfectly normal when in context) actions of the other as offensive, based solely on eye contact.

I've experimented by purposefully changing the way I look/roam when talking to a black man. Changes the conversation instantly almost every single time.

embur · 11 months

Student of human communications here.

This is a perfectly normal American trend. It's what we do when we are speaking with someone of similar perceived status, and here's why: eye contact signals listening and attention, so we use it while listening to communicate that we care about what the speaker is saying and that we are letting them have their turn speaking. Attention also communicates authority; by giving someone your full attention (with eye contact, body posture, etc.), you are giving them the floor.

We do the opposite while speaking. When you bounce eye contact around, you are signaling that you have the speaking authority. You are not yet ready to give up your speaking turn, and you signal this by letting your listening be the one giving you attention. When you are ready to give up your turn, you will again return to eye contact.

Were you speaking to, say, your boss or someone with higher perceived status, you would use more eye contact to signal their authority over you. They of course would use less to signal their higher station.

SeahorseRider · 11 months

I rarely, if ever make eye contact. Just never liked looking people in the eyes growing up and still don't as an adult. I understand this makes me rude, but it makes me incredibly uncomfortable looking people in the eyes, especially when talking to them.

Dergeist_ · 11 months

Eye contact while I am talking makes me instantly lose my train of thought/start stuttering/forget what I was saying.

SilverSultan · 11 months

Eye contact is 'distracting'. A lot is being transmited that is not words. When you speak, your brain is trying to get all the information together so you can properly say what you are trying to say. So it is perfectly normal not to look into the eyes of other person while you speak.

gindc · 11 months

I didn't see this mentioned. When people are thinking, they will typically look up and to the left or right. When I see people doing this during a conversation, I always assume they are deeply involved and are thinking about the topic. When they look me in the eye while they talk, I assume they are just reciting something the heard.

rockowallabee · 11 months

Awesome, a reddit post extremely relevant to my research! I study how we can model humanlike gaze behavior for virtual characters in human-computer interfaces, enabling them to be more effective communicators. We design these characters to make less eye contact when speaking rather than listening, since that's exactly what humans do. Basically I try to design virtual human beings to not be socially awkward penguins.

juvee · 11 months

Creates account at noon. Submits first post at 12:30.

TheWill2Live · 11 months

I do this too. If I actually stare back at the person in the eye when I'm speaking I'm alot stupider with what I say because I'm more focused on "Oh it doesnt look like he gets it" or "Oh she doesn't seem to be happy with what I'm saying"

stopsucking · 11 months

I do the same thing. Drives my wife crazy. "I'm right here in front of you why are you looking everywhere else?"

oneminuteslow · 11 months

I think this is the American eye contact habit. I read a really good article about it some time ago. Different countries have some very different eye contact habits, but in America, we look away while speaking and make contact while listening.

aumanchi · 11 months

My girlfriend does this, only when I'm sitting next to her, she looks at me instead of the person she's talking to. I told her that I noticed she was doing it, and she said I'm her comfort zone when talking to people.

goodbyemeow · 11 months

I can't look at people for too long in general. I'm very good at understanding people and figuring them out; knowing what they are thinking. it is hard to stare and stay interested when I already know what they want to say.

whoops1995 · 11 months

A girl has actually called me out for doing this. Never have i ever felt so uncomfortable talking to someone than i do talking to her now

cresur · 11 months

I actually look away when listening because faces take up all of my data processing or something, so if I really want to pay attention to what it's being said I have to look at something not interesting. Same thing when I have to really think about something, sometimes I even need to close my eyes.

Conversely, I can't listen to music while doing something else. Music also monopolizes my brain.

Now, when I'm speaking I maintain eye contact whenever. Never really thought about it.

I don't think we're supposed to never break eye contact, though. That's unnerving. Like all aspects of communication, it should be seasoning.

cutter631 · 11 months

Eye contact while speaking gives you dominant position, eye contact while listening give you submissive position.

monochromatic_oeuvre · 11 months

More like this, amirite?

0xbdf · 11 months

Dude, my eyes dance like mad too. It's really not a big deal, it's an intuition thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEa7vtXrNQQ

hazelmon · 11 months

I've read somewhere that your brain does this, to concentrate on speaking and not reading the others mimics. Force yourself into it, gives you instant feedback and people appreciate it. I always check if people can do it.

SirSandGoblin · 11 months

look at one after the other, left eye, right eye, mouth, just look there, just do that, you end up with the right sort of ratio of actual eye contact, get into the habit of doing that and before you know it you're just doing eye contact naturally

tomllm · 11 months

I do this. I used to be very introverted, but going to boarding school at ages 16-18 totally changed me... just not the eye contact when talking.

[deleted] · 11 months

I never knew I had terrible eye contact but then I finally noticed I would look fucking EVERYWHERE but the person.

TheHumpadump · 11 months

We've all been there bro. It's fine as long as you don't stare at inappropriate parts. Trust me. You don't want to do that.

heystopthatsgay · 11 months

same same same.

Biganon · 11 months

I do the contrary :|

Alabaster_Slayne · 11 months

I maintain eye contact... Am I weird?

CubemonkeyNYC · 11 months

Totally normal.

Crossfox17 · 11 months

I started to force myself to look people in the eyes when I talk to them. I don't stare; I do break eye contact every few seconds, but I always come back and look them in the eye for a few seconds at a time. If you never break eye contact you come across as super intense. I have found this helps boost your own confidence, and makes other perceive you as more confident. I also try not to be the first person to look away. Its all part of trying to act more confident, even if you don't feel it, and it really, really helps. The trick is to not look intense while you are doing it, just relax and smile, otherwise you can come across as creepy.

keepingitcivil · 11 months

I only ever look at someone when I'm speaking when I'm asking a simple question or saying something I've already formed in my head. If we're in deep conversation, my thoughts are all over the room; if I didn't look, I wouldn't see them.

sevenfranks · 11 months

I actually hate it when a speaker keeps eye contact with me in a group setting. I am often trying to be polite and maintain eye contact because he is speaking, but in reality I'm thinking "FUCK, LOOK AT SOMEONE ELSE!"

keepingitcivil · 11 months

I only ever look at someone when I'm speaking when I'm asking a simple question or saying something I've already formed in my head. If we're in deep conversation, my thoughts are all over the room; if I didn't look, I wouldn't see them.

Vezqua · 11 months

i do it too ;(

[deleted] · 11 months

I hate how I do this too.

yomama84 · 11 months

I do this a lot too....it sucks

CrayolaS7 · 11 months

If I know what I'm talking about I can maintain body language and eye contact with people just fine while I'm speaking to them. If someone asks me a question and I don't know what to say I fall to pieces.

On more than one occasion while a teenager I kissed a girl unexpectedly because I was lost for words. 60% of the time it worked all the time.

abbott_costello · 11 months

It's the other way around for me...is that bad?

MisterNiceGuy91 · 11 months

I immediately feel like I'm staring. And then I start looking around and land my eyes on her tits. Like that's gonna help... It does.

[deleted] · 11 months

I do it all day long, so as to not stare at your boobs while I think

SuperMeatBoi · 11 months

This is completely normal...

IPlayDaPianoz · 11 months

Ummm how is this awkward? I'm pretty this is just what a lot of people do, as in, people of regular awkwardness.

jorellh · 11 months

Better than: Avoids eye contact at all times, ends up looking at necklace in the middle of cleavage and thought a perv.

dodahead · 11 months

I was hoping for either a deformity or a micropenis. Total letdown.

router_duck · 11 months

I wouldn't be able to concentrate on what I'm saying whilst staring at someone in the eyes. It's too distracting.

I've tried it before and my mind goes blank

Babyw · 11 months

Are you autistic?

toastgirl · 11 months

If this is normal, then why do people always look behind themselves when I'm talking? ALWAYS.

CaffeinatedGuy · 11 months

Despite the comments, I'm going to start paying more attention to this. I do look away while talking because I'm thinking. I will pay attention to what other speakers do, as well.

JayEff123 · 11 months

fuck... im just glad im not the only one

grayrobot · 11 months

I only do this when it's loud and I have to raise my voice.

milkspores · 11 months

I wish someone could teach me how to stop turning beet red every time I talk to someone that I haven't known for a decent amount of time. The moment there's more than one pair of eyes on me I turn into a tomato.

PotentialSexualAsult · 11 months

Finally, an awkward penguin I don't relate to.

sbranson · 11 months

I find that when I look intently at someone while speaking we always unavoidably drift closer and closer until we're within kissing distance. So I glance around to break up the trance.

JordyMOOcow · 11 months

Actually, when listening to music in general, one can focus more, whereas if you weren't listening to music, you'd have a much more difficult time focusing. Take for example listening to a boring lecture in class without music, your mind will typically begin to wander. Now, if the same lecture were to go on, while listening to music (having the music low, just enough to hear it, but not enough to drown out everything else), your brain is forced to focus on what is being heard, also making you focus on the lecture at hand.

mnkybutlr · 11 months

What is up with all the eye gymnastics in this thread? When I'm talking to someone I'm looking them in the eye. Am I the only one lol?

wayndom · 11 months

Are you a habitual liar? All the people I've known who can't/don't ever look me in the eye while talking are...

chimmi · 11 months

ADHD

myfriendintime · 11 months

I there any way to know if you're making the right kind of eye contact? A test or something? I'm pretty unsure about my own habits, and it's hard to notice in conversations.

Biscegnm · 11 months

How do you know my life?

dossier · 11 months

Don't worry, the people you do it to hate it more. The listeners think you're bored of talking to them and then leave.

roundedge · 11 months

I hate this about you too.

bacardee · 11 months

how bout who gives a shit where you look? stop being so anal about stupid shit like that. Derp i'm not staring into your eyes when I talk to you, so what?

DallasDrive · 11 months

Holy crap this is my one pet peeve about people! It drives me insane when people look to the top right or left with their eyes but their face is facing towards you when they speak. You have ALL my upvotes and my firstborn AHHHBLAGAGHGGA!

[deleted] · 11 months

Stop thinking about it. FTFY...seriously! AND stop hating yourself! Do it! Do it! This is from a guy who TODAY quit a 50 grand job for a 30 grand job, and I am so fucking happy!! Lexapro also works.

Word.

HeDoesntAfraid · 11 months

I do it all the time while listening and talking. Fuck.

redditbotboy · 11 months

You may be ADD

wwninja · 11 months

That's classic introverted behavior! You might enjoy reading this book.

Disclaimer: I am not a psychiatric professional or anything remotely close to it.

playfulpenis · 11 months

Looking someone in the eye while speaking to them is distracting. Instead of focusing on what you want to say, you can get sidetracked and focus on the color of their eye, their eyelashes, how they blink, etc.

Plus when you're brain is search for original things to say, your eyes will dart around a bit, not hone in on one spot like you're a bird.

Chilloutitsjustmetal · 11 months

Downvoted. Learn how to socialize and stop fishing for sympathy on the internet.

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