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top 200 commentsshow all 351

[–]BaronThundergoose 455 points456 points ago

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pork chop sandwiches

[–]lassothesharks 176 points177 points ago

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Oh shit! get the fuck outta here, we're dead!

[–]stevo_knevo 74 points75 points ago

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But god, did that smell good.

[–]TheLoneWander101 53 points54 points ago

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dont give em the stick

[–]P2000Camaro 43 points44 points ago

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You tell me do things I don't runnin!

[–]jeffAA 8 points9 points ago

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[–]tattertech 15 points16 points ago

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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[–]breachgnome 82 points83 points ago

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babababababababababababababababababa

[–]BonKerZ 1 point2 points ago

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Me me me me me me me. Me me me me me me me me.

[–]slapded 15 points16 points ago

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did anyone see a i wanna say pink uh vinyl purse around here somewhere?

im just dyin' to get my cigarettes..

what

DDAAAAAUMMMM

[–]Mikeydactyl 1 point2 points ago

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Oh my shit, I laughed so hard at that one. So glad someone brought this one up.

[–]Infintinity 2 points3 points ago

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Have you read the Wikipedia article for that one? It's fuckin' old school!

[–]Mercury-Redstone 12 points13 points ago

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my gosh that smelled good!

[–]TheGullibleParrot 4 points5 points ago

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YOU NAH COOKIN.

YEH YOU!

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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[–]ViewSonik 5 points6 points ago

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body massage .......... GIIIIIII JOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEE

[–]heyyybeb69 1 point2 points ago

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mmm pork chop sandwiches

[–]WolfDemon 1 point2 points ago

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God Damnit, i thought my comment was gonna be unique

[–]mojo_pet 98 points99 points ago

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Make sure to call the Red Cross - they can assist you to find emergency shelter, food and clothing.
1-800-RED CROSS

[–]sometimesineedhelp 34 points35 points ago

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I'm pretty sure this post is a joke, but I lost almost everything I owned in a fire a few months ago and I couldn't believe how kind the red cross was. I didn't even think to call them, but the fire department let them know about me and they were VERY persistent in tracking me down to find out how they could help. I've heard a lot of bad stuff about the red cross over the years, but they are seriously awesome.

[–]avengre 13 points14 points ago

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agreed. while this may be unrelated to the jokes in this thread..

After my apartment burned down they provided me with hotel lodging for 2 days and toiletries for the day along with $75 gift card to walmart to buy a winter jacket and clothes to change into. Despite the occasional political leanings you may read about, I believe they are a great and generally agenda-less organization that just cares about helping people in immediate need.

[–]The_MAZZTer 43 points44 points ago

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Can't tell if whoosh
or too-subtle troll.

[–]Narit -2 points-1 points ago

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red cross=8 letters=not a real phone number, so id guess too subtle troll

[–]TheRealFender 39 points40 points ago

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/North_American_Numbering_Plan#Alphabetic_mnemonic_system

The letter system was phased out, beginning before 1965 (though it persisted ten years later in some places, and was included in Bell of Pennsylvania directories until 1983), but alphabetic dialing remains as a commercial mnemonic gimmick, particularly for toll-free numbers. For example, one can dial 1-800-FLOWERS to send flowers to someone, or 1-800-DENTIST to find a local dentist. Sometimes, longer phonewords are used — for example one might be invited to give money to a public radio station by dialing 1-866-KPBS-GIVE. The "number" is 8 digits long, but only the first seven need be dialed. If an eighth (or more) digit is dialed, the switching system will ignore it. Mobile users may need to manually drop any numbers past the seventh digit as some mobile switching systems will not automatically ignore them, resulting in a failed call. Also, users of smartphones including BlackBerry devices can have difficulty dialing phonewords, as some of those devices do not have the apportioned letters on the keys used for dialing. This can be avoided by accompanying the use of phonewords with the actual numeric phone number, allowing users of such smartphones to dial using the numeric phone number.

[–]iluvatar3 33 points34 points ago

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916-CALL-TURK

[–]iPlunder 19 points20 points ago

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I'm begging you, stick with Kfnmpah

[–]lizardinmycoffee 7 points8 points ago

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It'd be easier if your name was Cal Turk.

[–]iluvatar3 2 points3 points ago

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Would you like some Milk?

[–]jettrscga 3 points4 points ago

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I'll always dial the K for you, buddy.

[–]Narit 2 points3 points ago

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Well shit, the more you know. Thanks for informing my uniformed ass

[–]vantek 3 points4 points ago

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"Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting."

It's too many letters, man.

"Hello?"

"Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!"

[–]t3yrn 4 points5 points ago*

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There are loads of "Vanity numbers" that exceed the 7-digits, the remaining digits are ignored, as the 7th number is reached, it starts dialing, and unless you're dialing super-duper slow, it won't interfere with anything.

EDIT: In fact ... "To learn more about blood donation opportunities, visit www.redcrossblood.org/ or call 1-800-RED CROSS (1-800-733 2767)."

EDIT2: (I still vote subtle troll, though ;)

[–]absentmindedjwc 1 point2 points ago

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You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!"

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Do they know how to grill a cheese sandwich, though?

[–]DigitalEvil 167 points168 points ago

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I see where you messed up.

You forgot to butter the bread first.

[–]blargh20 44 points45 points ago

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My roommate puts unbuttered bread in the frying pan. I want to choke him... a lot.

[–]t3yrn 15 points16 points ago

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Buy him a fucking toaster, already!

[–]blargh20 22 points23 points ago

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The sad part is we have one...

[–]t3yrn 40 points41 points ago

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Have you hit him with it yet?

[–]cC2Panda 14 points15 points ago

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It's more effective if you can throw it in his bath.

[–]tupidflorapope 7 points8 points ago

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...at the climax of White Rabbit.

[–]cecilx22 12 points13 points ago

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my roommate put buttered bread in the toaster... ಠ_ಠ

[–]PeterHell 4 points5 points ago

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mine caught on fire from such action

[–]Lost_Proto 2 points3 points ago

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at least your roommate didn't put cup of noodles in the microwave with out putting in any water...rage

[–]cayal 1 point2 points ago

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And you're not supposed to microwave the styrofoam cup in the first place!

[–]Lost_Proto 1 point2 points ago

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Exactly, we have a friggin kettle but why he failed to use it is beyond me.

[–]Spirckle 1 point2 points ago

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Why is that bad? After the bread has toasted turn the skillet off and it's just the right temp to make scrambled eggs. It makes great economy of heat energy.

[–]jeffster888 4 points5 points ago

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But that'll make the bread dissolve!

[–]dhaft88 1 point2 points ago

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:^)

that's a good call

[–]Wrym 2 points3 points ago

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And don't forget to pat some Parmesan or similar cheese into the butter before you put it on the griddle. You might have to grill it on a little less heat for a little longer but it's a bonus cheese and worth it.

[–]EggyWeggs 16 points17 points ago

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http://i.imgur.com/tvKdd.jpg

I present to you: "toastabags"

[–]gregstormd[!] 64 points65 points ago

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[–][deleted] 38 points39 points ago

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[–]gregstormd[!] 21 points22 points ago

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[–][deleted] 21 points22 points ago

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[–]markm88 15 points16 points ago

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Upvoted for most creative effort.

[–]sneezybreeze 1 point2 points ago

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Haaa the watermark in the top left corner. Quite a nice touch

[–]AllHeilSLAYER 1 point2 points ago

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[–]jackcatalyst 6 points7 points ago

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And that's why we always use enriched bread.

[–]NedTeroo 49 points50 points ago

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IMA Firefighter and that gives me a boner

[–]temporary_acount 48 points49 points ago

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I don't think you understand the purpose of your job.

[–]black19 15 points16 points ago

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Pretty sure he does

[–]IMasturbateToMyself 11 points12 points ago

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I don't think anyone understands the purpose of their job.

[–]Tinnitusaurium 1 point2 points ago

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Obviously he's the type of firefighter found in Bradburys Fahrenheit 451.

[–]evitagen-armak 13 points14 points ago

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Being a firefighter gives you a boner? You know that if it continues for more than X hours you should go see a doctor?

[–]Katarzzle 9 points10 points ago

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Or find a good friend that can keep a secret.

[–]tacodrake95 6 points7 points ago

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when a hot girl smiles at me i get a boner...but that doesn't happen very often soi have to find stimulation elsewhere...maybe i should become a firefighter.

[–]ThePare 2 points3 points ago

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IMA Pyromaniac and that gives me a boner.

FTFY

[–]OmniaII 36 points37 points ago

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[–]trolololz 1 point2 points ago

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I was looking for this. Can't berieve it's so far down the list.

[–]Boygen 14 points15 points ago

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Bummer. How'd it taste?

[–]BooYeah0484 4 points5 points ago

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Like asbestos?

[–]iamnotatroll 5 points6 points ago

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And lead paint chips. And ungrounded electrical outlets.

[–]Hempire 17 points18 points ago

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it was a little on the burnt side

[–]The_Great_Thinker 1 point2 points ago

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I thought it might have been toasty.

[–]Dwyguy 21 points22 points ago

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This made me laugh far more than it should have.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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Anything that makes you laugh should.

[–]sterling_mallory 1 point2 points ago

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[–]wuffo 12 points13 points ago

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So you bought a Cornballer©? Smart, and they're only 1375.99 Pesos in Mexico!

[–]corinnejean 42 points43 points ago

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Was there a spider in the pan?

[–]4rch 6 points7 points ago

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On the pan handle.....the handle

[–]TheCephalopod 9 points10 points ago

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Next time, try using a lower setting on your grill.

[–]siouxsie_sioux 4 points5 points ago

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Low setting, extremely thin layer of butter. Making the perfect grilled cheese is worth the effort.

[–]Dean364 2 points3 points ago

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I think it's pretty obvious he was making meth.

[–]Cczx 3 points4 points ago

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[–]Kablaaamo 4 points5 points ago

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TIL never to make grilled cheese with my hand.

[–]rileyrulesu 5 points6 points ago

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[–]cmw72 8 points9 points ago

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Perhaps you need a reference?

[–]sheriff_skullface 2 points3 points ago

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[–]Del_Felesif 2 points3 points ago

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I don't understand. Did a spider get into the toaster?

[–]The_Great_Thinker 1 point2 points ago

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People make grilled cheese in the toaster?

[–]dcmcderm 2 points3 points ago

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Aurora borealis.

[–]Xarb 1 point2 points ago

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At this time of year, in this part of the country, localized entirely in your kitchen?

[–]dcmcderm 1 point2 points ago

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Yes.

[–]wildmonkeymind 2 points3 points ago

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Ahh yes, see the best way to prevent a fire like this is to run a nice, cold bath and make your toaster-grilled-cheese there; this prevents any risk of fire spreading until you've worked out the proper toaster setting. For added fire protection be sure to empty an entire container of iodized salt into the bath as you're filling it.

[–]spencerharris 4 points5 points ago

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This kills the house.

[–]chadridesabike 7 points8 points ago

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Pork Chop Sandwiches!

[–]redditwithafork 1 point2 points ago

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classic internet right there.

[–]needcontacts 4 points5 points ago

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Well there's your problem!

[–]dnlpark15 1 point2 points ago

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Did you get to try the grilled cheese at least?

[–]fill23ca 1 point2 points ago

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Nailed it.

[–]Ryner_Lute 1 point2 points ago

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Guys it's fine, they taste better when they are a little on the crispy side.

[–]Framnk 1 point2 points ago

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That's what happens when I play The Sims

[–]1950sGuy 1 point2 points ago

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Took me something like two years to realize you needed to butter the bread. I wasted so much bread. And cheese really.

[–]stufff 1 point2 points ago

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I also like them well done.

[–]RipperM 1 point2 points ago

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Whoa, whoa! Enjoying a nice grilled cheese is one thing, but did you have to go burn down someone's house afterward?

[–]mc2w 1 point2 points ago

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So, are you gonna leave us hanging, or are you gonna tell us how delicious the sandwich turned out?

[–]javascript1169 1 point2 points ago

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THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!!!

[–]jh1207 1 point2 points ago

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DAE actually hear the flames cracking and roaring when they see this picture? Synesthesia?

[–]dlite922 1 point2 points ago

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Seriously, looking at reddit front-page only daily, we really are 14 people.

[–]Guelras 1 point2 points ago

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Spiders?

[–]you-hate-to-see-this 1 point2 points ago

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It's funny because he's implying his house burned down as a result of his attempt at making a grilled cheese sandwich! Haha!

Ugh, conflagrate to see this.

[–]kbud 1 point2 points ago

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so how did the sandwich turn out?

[–]maedr 1 point2 points ago

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This is why I love reddit.

[–]gliscameria[!] 1 point2 points ago

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I was expecting this

Not sure why.

[–]TheVirginsSon 1 point2 points ago

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I was expecting melted cheese all over your toaster... I was wrong but still entertained.

[–]AnthropomorphicDog 1 point2 points ago

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Woah, that you really aren't good at making grilled cheese! That looks more like a house, not a sandwich!

[–]mgunk 1 point2 points ago

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This made my day, how do so many people downvote?

[–]astonesthrow 1 point2 points ago

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All seriousness aside, you spelled "meth lab" wrong.

[–]robbiedo 1 point2 points ago

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I am going out on a limb here, but you are doing it wrong.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]finn141 1 point2 points ago

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Bet you got GRILLED for that...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Don't feel bad, I failed too: cooking cheese toast

[–]pdmcmahon 3 points4 points ago

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Nuclear-Explosion.jpg

I see what you did there.

[–]TeCuervo 0 points1 point ago

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And? How did it come out? Don't keep us hanging!

[–]cmw72 0 points1 point ago

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Perhaps you need a reference?

[–]sleekzero 0 points1 point ago

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This is all lies, slanderous lies!

[–]Kenneth_the_Drifter 0 points1 point ago

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Looks like everything went about as well as can be expected.

[–]conaan 0 points1 point ago

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It will buff out with a little bit of work, no worries, just enjoy your grilled cheese.

[–]ch33s3 0 points1 point ago

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It never comes out right on the 1st try.

[–]sukinonmybalzak 0 points1 point ago

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If at first you dont succeed grill grill again

[–]grantness 0 points1 point ago

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i think its spelled "arson"

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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You should trim those hedges back, they're a fire hazard.

[–]HappyJackTorrance 0 points1 point ago

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I think you meant to say "So I decided to try my hand at the meth thing."

[–]overside 0 points1 point ago

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I am glad you got outta there on time

[–]prometheus1981 0 points1 point ago

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Note to self: NEVER COOK AGAIN!

[–]carloscarllos 0 points1 point ago

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I like how your fence is colored.

[–]royaleavecdufromage 0 points1 point ago

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Are you Japanese? Try using one of those things.

[–]Relldavis 0 points1 point ago

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Wtf, were there spiders in your sandwich?

[–]runfayfun 0 points1 point ago

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OH FUCK IT HURTS

[–]spacecarb 0 points1 point ago

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i loled

[–]Jack_Flanders 0 points1 point ago

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I love the little crunchy blackened bits on top.

That's why I do my grilled cheese under the broiler.

[–]Rytnek 0 points1 point ago

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(Ain't gonna say should've used a toaster oven ... Ain't gonna say should've used a toaster oven ... ) ._.

[–]Eucalytpus 0 points1 point ago

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Using my house to fuel my cooking fire, I've never thought of that one.

[–]Eucalytpus 0 points1 point ago

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Using my house to fuel my cooking fire, I've never thought of that one.

[–]dinosbucket 0 points1 point ago

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That looks about right.

[–]SnowBane 0 points1 point ago

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ELI5: Why is Chocolate poisonous to dogs?

[–]cisthej 0 points1 point ago

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dont even start with the cheesy puns

[–]ThufirrHawat 0 points1 point ago

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Dude, you're supposed to put the sammich on top of the house BEFORE you light it on fire.

[–]rymar 0 points1 point ago

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gouda job

[–]divi8 0 points1 point ago

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Try your hand at not being a retard and setting the house on fire when making grilled cheese.

[–]jhb2wr 0 points1 point ago

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Nailed it.

[–]Rab_Legend 0 points1 point ago

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So fucking funny

[–]mb86 0 points1 point ago

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Honestly I'm hoping for some first-hand testimonials at how well it actually works. I want to try it, but... well the OP's pic sums up my fear.

[–]executex 0 points1 point ago

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For some reason when I imagine the picture with sound of firealarms and ambulances, it makes it that much more hilarious that it started because of grilled cheese.

[–]executex 0 points1 point ago

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For some reason when I imagine the picture with sound of firealarms and ambulances, it makes it that much more hilarious that it started because of grilled cheese.

[–]executex 0 points1 point ago

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For some reason when I imagine the picture with sound of firealarms and ambulances, it makes it that much more hilarious that it started because of grilled cheese.

[–]cdb03b 0 points1 point ago

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If you cannot cook something as simple as a grilled cheese sandwich it sounds like you parents failed in that aspect of your raising.

[–]ghostbackwards 0 points1 point ago

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send me the negatives. I have a negative scanner. we can see the picture before you uploaded it to....oh nevermind.

[–]AV3R4G3_J03 0 points1 point ago

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i can relate

[–]HeyFlo 0 points1 point ago

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This is pretty much the result of all my culinary experiments.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]mjc1027 0 points1 point ago

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should have made a meme 'MEN : CAN'T COOK FOR SHIT!'

[–]steven1350 0 points1 point ago

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How was it?

[–]dangoromance 0 points1 point ago

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So...did it turn out good or not?

[–]FuckYouImFunny 0 points1 point ago

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Chroncraft started the fire! It was always burning...

[–]chocolatebutterr 0 points1 point ago

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I did not expect this at all. I lol'd hard.

[–]serrit 0 points1 point ago

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You make grilled cheese with bread and cheese, not houses.

[–]TheChiefRedditor 0 points1 point ago

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Hmmmm, doesn't look like you did it quite right there...

[–]SubtleMockery 0 points1 point ago

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Turns out hands don't grill things very well. They're not even hot.

[–]iamnotatroll 0 points1 point ago

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Next time try your hand at being a neat neighbor. That landscape work looked terrible.

[–]fewder 0 points1 point ago

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JUST LIKE THE SIMS

[–]Yojimbe 0 points1 point ago

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Chol: Chuckled out loud.

[–]forum1388 0 points1 point ago

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I actually tried this earlier today.

While I didn't set my house on fire, I did have to clean two pieces of cheese toast off my wall.

I failed compensate for the toast-ejection and ended up with two grilled-cheese halves stuck to my wall.

I knew it was too easy.

[–]omgdracula 0 points1 point ago

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LETS LAUNCH OVER IT!

[–]Stormdancer 0 points1 point ago

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I lol'd.

[–]berjiff 0 points1 point ago

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spider grilled cheeese

[–]iluvurkidz 0 points1 point ago

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So I decided to try my hand

In the interest of fairness, make sure the other one gets some sweet love too.

[–]forum1388 0 points1 point ago

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I actually tried this earlier today.

While I didn't set my house on fire, I did have to clean two pieces of cheese toast off my wall.

I failed compensate for the toast-ejection and ended up with two grilled-cheese halves stuck to my wall.

I knew it was too easy.

[–]minccino 0 points1 point ago

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why is a house totally engulfed in flames so hilarious?

[–]forum1388 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

I actually tried this earlier today.

While I didn't set my house on fire, I did have to clean two pieces of cheese toast off my wall.

I failed compensate for the toast-ejection and ended up with two grilled-cheese halves stuck to my wall.

I knew it was too easy.

[–]kbuis 0 points1 point ago

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Same thing happened when I tried to make cereal this morning.

[–]DJPho3nix 0 points1 point ago

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I am a subscriber and an avid reader of r/cooking. I opened this from my front page without looking at the subreddit it was in and was expecting a picture of some gourmet looking sandwich.

For a second, my mind was absolutely full of fuck.

[–]releasethebracken 0 points1 point ago

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But I bet the sandwich was delicious.

[–]Marshallnd 0 points1 point ago

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Thats awesome. I tried too, and i got a little smoke, but nothing bad. i think theirs just pop tart pieces touching coils or something. lol

[–]emerpus 0 points1 point ago

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finally, a spider free household

[–]deadface 0 points1 point ago

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So I decided to try my hand at over clocking my Fermi video card.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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GET THE WATER NIGGA!!!

[–]SicilianEsq 0 points1 point ago

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You must have forgotten that Velvetta is nearly plastic, and therefore flammable.

: /

[–]AustinTreeLover 0 points1 point ago

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True story: I caught a house on fire with a toaster.

I put pastries in the toaster (Black and Decker toaster with a plastic casing) and hopped in the shower. I came out and the cabinets and curtains were on fire. It spread fast and caught the drapes in the adjacent room on fire. I put it out with a fire extinguisher. But, significant damage.

The pastry was stuck in the toaster. When it popped up, the pastry caught on the corner and so it was stuck in there. The flames from the burning pastry caught the upper cabinets on fire and well, that was it.

So, I've learned not to leave toasters unattended. : /

[–]AustinTreeLover 0 points1 point ago

sorry, this has been archived and can no longer be voted on

True story: I caught a house on fire with a toaster.

I put pastries in the toaster (Black and Decker toaster with a plastic casing) and hopped in the shower. I came out and the cabinets and curtains were on fire. It spread fast and caught the drapes in the adjacent room on fire. I put it out with a fire extinguisher. But, significant damage.

The pastry was stuck in the toaster. When it popped up, the pastry caught on the corner and so it was stuck in there. The flames from the burning pastry caught the upper cabinets on fire and well, that was it.

So, I've learned not to leave toasters unattended. : /

[–]THE-Max 0 points1 point ago

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Looks like you're doing it wrong...

[–]TheMomYouWishYouHad 0 points1 point ago

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Oh dear, I laffed. I'm going to hell, I guess.

[–]dustwel 0 points1 point ago

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The first time I tried to make grilled cheese, I melted my spatula to the pan and set of the smoke alarms in my apartment building. :-(

I'm a much better cook now fortunately.

[–]clearlight 0 points1 point ago

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Needs more cheese

[–]palehorse864 0 points1 point ago

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Grill me a cheese.

[–]yunododat 0 points1 point ago

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Nice house.

[–]Antillies911 0 points1 point ago

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I think the temp on your stove is set too high.

[–]zerozero114 0 points1 point ago

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You just made my day! Was not expecting that at all.