Well done! My extended version, "Investment of a Lifetime!":

Bob: Joe, I have the investment opportunity of a lifetime for you. I just had to tell you about it!

Joe: Wow Bob, really? Even in this market?

B: Absolutely. I’m thrilled too. You know I don’t get excited much, but this is something else.

J: You never get excited, and you’ve already made us both a fortune. Alright, let’s hear it then.

B: Well, this is an amazing company. Just amazing. They make incredible products, have the best services, and operate perfectly.

J: Sounds great!

B: Yea, but that’s just the beginning. They basically have zero costs and constant growth!

J: Really? That sounds too good to be true!

B: Exactly, it’s just amazing. They’re getting lots of investors. People are really, really excited.

J: I bet. So, what exactly are their products and services?

B: Oh, high demand stuff. Medical cures, business advancements, scientific solutions, civil advancements – the list goes on.

J: Core stuff here, definitely. Anything I’ve heard of?

B: Well, I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but you’ve definitely seen them in use. In fact, The only reason I made it here today was through the use of their services.

J: What do you mean?

B: Well, on the way over hear I almost got into an accident, but one of the company’s products saved me!

J: That’s a relief – I’m so glad to hear you’re okay. You do have to be more careful, though. I’ve seen your driving.

B: I don’t have to be careful anymore, Joe. This company’s got all kinds of support services, so it’s really a breeze.

J: So, what’s the catch? This sounds too good to be true. There has to be a catch.

B: Well, you’re sort of right there, Joe. First, you have to work for the company to invest.

J: What? I’ve never heard of an investment like that. You have to work for it?

B: I know it’s unusual, but you have to work for it. But it has great management. In fact, the management is the greatest management ever. It’s perfect.

J: What are you talking about? Perfect management? No company has perfect management.

B: That’s where you’re wrong! This management is absolutely perfect! If you don’t believe me, just ask anyone else that works for the company! 100% perfect.

J: Okay, I guess, but that’s asking a lot.

B: You know what they say, if you want to win big you’ve got to play big.

J: Right, but for me switching from bonds to blue chips was a big deal. This sounds a little more extreme. I’ll need to see some numbers to make a decision here.

B: I’m gonna have to stop you right there, Joe. In fact, numbers are frowned upon at this company.

J: Frowned upon, how can that be the case?

B: Real investors don’t need to worry about the numbers, buddy. It’s actually not kosher to even ask about the numbers.

J: You can’t even ask about numbers? Then how do you know the company’s doing well?

B: Because as I’ve already mentioned, it’s basically the greatest company ever! Remember the amazing services and the perfect management? Also, this company has such great products and services that it only makes them available to its own investors.

J: Only sells to its own investors? How does that work?

B: It sort of like dividends: You buy in and you get all kinds of benefits!

J: Yea, but still… I guess the services do sounds pretty impressive. You said it helped you avoid a car crash on the way over here. Do they make collision detection systems or something?

B: Something like that. They basically prevented the car crash.

J: I mean, what happened? Did another car come at you and it hit the brakes?

B: Yea, basically. See, I saw the guy in front of me stopping. I slammed on the brakes and stopped before I hit him. If it wasn’t for the company’s products, I probably would be dead.

J: Wow, again Bob, I’m just so glad you’re okay. But how does it work?

B: This is the most advanced company ever, Joe. Nobody knows how it works, except the management. In fact, you don’t even have to install it or anything. Once you’re an investor, it’s automatic.

J: So you don’t know how it works, you’ve never seen it, but you know it saved you life.

B: Exactly. Also, we’re starting to stray into that “no questions” territory again.

J: No questions about the products? Then how the hell will I know what I’m getting into? I mean, this is starting to sounds kind of crazy.

B: Not at all, Joe! I can give you plenty of examples of the success of their products and services! Again, just ask any investor. Any of them can give you lots of examples. Another friend of mine just used one of their medical services. She recently recovered from appendicitis, with the help of the company’s services.

J: I’m glad to hear your friend made it through. But I still can’t ask how it works? And I’m assuming she didn’t have to do anything different or actually see the product?

B: Exactly. Couldn’t be any easier.

J: Right… Maybe I will ask your friend about this.

B: Oh, you can’t do that. You know Cindy, right? That’s the friend I was talking about.

J: Cindy? Your receptionist that died in a car accident last week?

B: Yea, poor girl. Hit by a drunk driver.

J: Didn’t she have that collision avoidance thing that you do in the car? Did it fail or something?

B: Of course she had it, but it only works in certain circumstances.

J: Certain circumstances? Like when?

B: That’s the management’s decision.

J: The management’s decision? The management decided not to save Cindy? How can they do that?

B: Again, no questions there, Joe. Also, remember that the management is perfect. I should be clearer: the CEO makes all these types of decisions. He has a very hands-on management style. He actually founded the company and is still in charge, but his son stepped in and has been doing a lot of the leg work lately. Just a wonderful family. In any case I’m happy to tell you, Joe, Cindy is absolutely fine.

J: She is? Wonderful! My wife was so upset. They really go to know each other at last year’s July Fourth cookout. How did she make it through that? I swear I heard she died. What happened? Was she in the hospital for long?

B: Nope, no hospital time. Again, the company stepped in. They brought her to work at corporate headquarters for being such a good investor. You get to hang out with the CEO!

J: That is something else! We’ll have to get together with Cindy and her husband Greg for lunch sometime. Where are headquarters?

B: Headquarters is pretty far away, Joe. It’s basically impossible to get to unless management takes you. You can certainly have lunch with Greg, though. He’s still in town.

J: Wait, Greg didn’t go with Cindy? Were they having marital problems or something?

B: No, no, no. Greg and Cindy were incredibly happy. In fact, did you hear they just had a baby last month? But the company brought Cindy to headquarters and Greg and the baby are staying here.

J: That sounds terrible! Why would they do that? Why would Cindy go?

B: Management made the decision. But don’t worry, headquarters is absolutely amazing. Again, management is perfect, and at headquarters you get to work alongside them! It’s amazing! And every investor gets to go to headquarters eventually!

J: Oh, well I guess that sounds nice. So when is Greg moving to headquarters?

B: Well, probably never. You see, he’s not an investor. Actually, the company is fairly competitive. If you’re not an investor/employee, eventually it puts you in jail. They have connections and actually constructed quite a facility for specifically this purpose. Frankly, it’s terrible there – torture and everything. It makes the CIA look like Amnesty International. Again, a good reason to invest.

J: Are you serious Bob? I’ve never heard of a company that puts people in jail and tortures them. I can’t even imagine how they’d do that. That’s more than competitive. That’s crazy!

B: I’m so serious, Joe. You see why I want you to invest in this. It’s all part of the company’s growth strategy. All investors are strongly encouraged to recruit other investors, advise them of the benefits of investment and the dangers of non-investment

J: Bob, you’ve been my friend for a long time and I really respect you, but this all sounds insane. I’ve always trusted you though and I don’t want to be left out in the cold here. I’d throw a few bucks in just for fun. I mean, why not, right?

B: Ahhh, yea. There’s a bit of a minimum investment requirement.

J: I knew it. With these things there’s always something like that. Well, I guess you have to separate the wheat from the chaff… So what will it be?

B: You have to invest everything.

J: …

B: Did you hear me Joe? You have to invest everything.

J: I, um… I heard you Bob.

B: You just have to invest everything. And in fact, the sooner the better.

J: Exactly how much is “everything”?

B: Everything is everything. Everything you have.

J: I can’t invest everything I have.

B: You’ll be a happy investor in the company! Look, it’s all down on paper. I brought the prospectus with me.

J: This should be good…

B: It’s several thousand years old but it covers everything we discussed, as well as the company origins as a nomadic desert tribe that devastated its local enemies with management’s assistance. It even has a decent bio of the CEO including his successful genocides and innovations. You can’t just read it and understand it straight off, mind you. We like to stay in line with our investment strategy, but that prospectus is quite a complicated work. Management is kind enough to appoint local agents to assist in the interpretation – they even help you apply the company’s strategies to other parts of your life! We meet weekly to hear what they have to say. You should come!

J: I’m going to have to… get back to you on this one, Bob. Tell your wife I said “good luck”.