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all 166 comments

[–]Ardentfrost 118 points119 points ago

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If that's a swarm of honeybees, then they're actually all engorged with honey and won't likely sting you. If you call your local beekeepers society, they'll gladly take them away.

What happens is when a hive gets too large, the queen will lay a special queen egg and then take off. Over half of the bees in the hive suck up as much honey as they can and take off with her (imagine thousands of bees flying around in the air like mad). This is called swarming. They rendezvous nearby, usually on a tree branch, and look exactly like the pic you've taken. While they're in this huddle, scout bees are sent out to check out potential new hive spots. It can take days for a good spot to be found and the bees leave to go there (which can be a good distance away).

When the huddled bees are on a branch, beekeepers will come with a cardboard box, set it up beneath the group, and smack the limb. The bees fall into the box, they close it up, and take it off to a prepared hive. The bees are damn near comatose on honey reserves and don't put up a fight. They open the box near a prepared hive, the scouts will find it easily, and they'll likely move in.

It's a really cool phenomenon (swarming), and one that beekeepers work hard to prevent in their own hives since the colony left behind may die off (especially if the new virgin queen decides she needs to swarm, further thinning the hive's numbers). If the keepers feel the colony is getting too large, they'll add more supers so they don't get overcrowded. In winter, the numbers will thin out and the supers can be removed.

It's a fascinating hobby. My wife was going to start a hive prior to us getting pregnant. Now we'll probably wait until our daughter is a few years old and can understand to not bother the hive.

[–]ShitTheBedWinAPrize 22 points23 points ago

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Easiest way to get a new hive ever. Most beekeepers will be VERY eager to get that swarm since there's so little work involved and so much benefit from it.

[–]daithiocoinnigh 15 points16 points ago

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It should be an easy case of involving her from an early age and making sure she knows its off limits.

Its no more dangerous than climbing on the sofa.

I will say you should get her checked for sting allergies as a young child can have a serious reaction from multiple stings.

[–]Ardentfrost 6 points7 points ago

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It's partly that we need to check her for allergy, partly that it'll be easier once we can talk to her and explain not to go to that corner of the yard so she doesn't disrupt the bees, and largely that she takes up a LOT of our time currently.

[–]daithiocoinnigh 3 points4 points ago

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They do require a lot of care, if only they were more like bees in that way.

[–]Ardentfrost 8 points9 points ago

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Esp if they made something awesome like honey, instead of something terrible: poop.

[–]Priapulid 2 points3 points ago

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Its no more dangerous than climbing on the sofa.

A sofa full of bees.

FTFY

[–]TheEngine 2 points3 points ago

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I mean, look at Macaulay Culkin.

[–]T0mServo 1 point2 points ago

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I'd just like to say we had this exact thing happen in our back yard. It was so funny because only a year before we attended our first honey festival where bee keepers told us the importance of not destroying these swarms with chemicals. Rather, to call them up to have them safely removed. It was free, fascinating, and educational. The few bees he left behind stayed in that exact spot thinning down to zero over the next week.

[–]Ardentfrost 2 points3 points ago

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That's pretty cool. Beekeepers love to come get them b/c it's essentially an established hive. When you buy a hive, you get a queen and only a few hundred workers. This is a queen and a few thousand workers for free!

[–]T0mServo 0 points1 point ago

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As fun as it was it did freak me out when I walked out my back door to a million bees loosely buzzing around the nucleus. It didn't help that I'm kinda a wuss around stinging insects and here was this colony without a hive. Walking out the door put me about 5 feet away from it!

[–]ostawookiee 1 point2 points ago

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If this isn't true, best troll ever.

[–]kangaroo2 0 points1 point ago

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It really is one of the most rewarding hobbies. I am surprised how attached I have become to my hives.

You are right about the swarm being docile. Also, this is just a stopping off point for the swarm and they will likely be gone within a few hours. When a hive first swarms those that leave finds a spot to wait while scouts find a suitable new home. This is more likely their waiting spot than their choice of a place to build a hive.

[–]Ardentfrost 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah, it may only be there for a few hours, but it can take up to a few days if there isn't a suitable spot nearby.

[–]hearforthepuns -3 points-2 points ago

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My wife was going to start a hive prior to us getting pregnant.

What species are you that both halves of the mating pair get pregnant?

[–]Ardentfrost 1 point2 points ago

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Well, believe it or not, I was involved in conception. We're not a species that propagates asexually.

[–]hearforthepuns -2 points-1 points ago

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Then why didn't you write:

prior to me getting my wife pregnant.

You are not pregnant.

[–]Ardentfrost 5 points6 points ago

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B/c I'm not a pedant.

[–]MrKas 50 points51 points ago

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I think you may have misheard them when they said your bike came with freebies.

[–]haiku_robot 17 points18 points ago

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I think you may have 
misheard them when they said your 
bike came with freebies.

[–]enocenip 6 points7 points ago

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I wonder if I can summon the haiku bot by typing this way.

[–]haiku_robot 21 points22 points ago

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No

[–]PSquid 2 points3 points ago

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Holy shit, it's gained sentience. How long before it out thinks us all?

[–]deviationblue 0 points1 point ago

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Yes, in fact he did
Summon the haiku robot;
We're disappointed.

[–]ridik_ulass 120 points121 points ago

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wear a bee suit, just to cycle that around, what bees you don't crush will swarm with the hive and thus your bike, and you will essentially cycle a death mobile and be master of an angry swarm of bees

[–]toadkicker 15 points16 points ago

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"Honey look at this guy on the biOMGTHESTINGING"

[–]thelastbaron 10 points11 points ago

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[–]BrotherSeamus 4 points5 points ago

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wear a bee suit

Ay-ay-ay, Señor Ding-Dong!

[–]tantobourne 0 points1 point ago

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SwAARRRMmmm. SwAARRRMmmmmmmm

[–]canarack 23 points24 points ago

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BEADS?

[–]shelldog 29 points30 points ago

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[–]TBMonkey 5 points6 points ago

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You got a problem with my hand on your link?

[–]allADD 5 points6 points ago

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We'll see who brings in more honey!

[–]Befall 5 points6 points ago

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Gob's not on board.

[–]daltonls -1 points0 points ago

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Bracelets...

[–]A-punk 19 points20 points ago

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On the plus side you'll save money on a bike lock at least.

[–]JollyJeff -2 points-1 points ago

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That IS a bike lock, the best one in the world. Excellent!

[–]LordStryker 2 points3 points ago

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wooooooosh?

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points ago

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The first full pedal stroke should detach most of the hive. Then, the race is on...

Looks like a great way to quickly reach your target heart rate.

[–]lx45803 2 points3 points ago

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You sir, are a braver man than I.

[–]ridik_ulass 1 point2 points ago*

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it could make an awesome drinking game, get 6 friends together and a bottle of sprite take a shot pass the bottle, when the bottle gets back to you you either take a shot or take your chances on the bike,

the game part is, you can get drunker and braver, but your ability to cycle accurately at speed will be lessened if the bottle is finished who ever was next to drink is forced to go(not who ever drank last {other wise you will have people taking ever smaller last sips})

EDIT:// spirits in place of sprite, I am sad the typo may have over shadowed the awesomeness of this game.

[–]telekinetic 1 point2 points ago

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Your sprite must be different than my sprite.

[–]ridik_ulass 0 points1 point ago

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god damn, chrome auto correct keeps jerking me around.

[–]favorite_joke 259 points260 points ago*

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A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather nectar from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.

Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.

There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm. Now obviously, the security of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So he has to be constantly ready and on the alert to be able to do his job.

And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

[–]I_Can_Haz_Brainz[S] 107 points108 points ago

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I hope that's not your favorite joke.

[–]favorite_joke 50 points51 points ago

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Do not worry, it is not.

[–]ridik_ulass 22 points23 points ago

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then what is?

[–]favorite_joke 131 points132 points ago

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One day, a penguin decided to take a vacation. So he packed up his Acadian and headed out.

He made it all the way to Arizona when his car broke down. He called a tow truck to take it to a garage. But the tow truck lacked an air conditioner. By the time they arrived at the garage, the penguin, not being used to a hot climate, was overheated.

The mechanic there took pity on the little guy.

"Look, I'm going to be honest with you, I have not seen an Acadian in a long time, so it's going to take a while. But there is a Friendly's just across the street that's nice and cool. Why don't you wait there and I'll call when I find out what's wrong."

The penguin thanked him profusely and waddled across the street. He decided to treat himself to a vanilla ice cream cone. Being a penguin, he has some trouble holding it. He get's it all over his face, chest, and even his feet. He enjoys it greatly though, it cools him down quite nicely.

The waitress went over and told him the mechanic called. The penguin is so excited, he left without cleaning himself up.

The mechanic looked up as the penguin approached.

"Looks like you blew a seal," he said.

"No! It's just ice cream!"

[–]TlCKETS 42 points43 points ago

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It would suck if he was referring to the head gasket. Those things can be expensive to replace.

[–]datn 11 points12 points ago

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I truly will never understand why people bother with that last line. Simple silence after "Looks like you blew a seal" is more than enough.

[–]The_MAZZTer 3 points4 points ago

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Probably for the people who wouldn't get it right away.

[–]PSquid 0 points1 point ago*

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Unrelated to this thread, but are you the same The_MAZZTer as on PortableApps.com?

EDIT: Capitalization.

[–]The_MAZZTer 4 points5 points ago

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Yes, though I don't know why people keep lowercasing the second T. :(

[–]noviestar 1 point2 points ago

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I thought this was going to be another Warlizard forums thing. Pleasantly surprised. Carry on.

[–]PSquid 0 points1 point ago*

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Whoops. Well, uh, thanks for portablising Minecraft, anyway. Thanks to you, I can waste even more of my time. :)

(Always a little odd to see people you recognise from elsewhere on reddit. Even though I know it's really not that statistically unlikely.)

EDIT: Oh wait, you do Chrome too, don't you? Big thanks for that one, that makes my university day so much more pleasant (university got it into their heads that wiping %APPDATA% on each logout is a great idea).

[–]The_MAZZTer 1 point2 points ago

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Yes, though I don't know why people keep lowercasing the second T. :(

[–]oblivionx 1 point2 points ago

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I only noticed after you pointed it out, but I completely agree with you

[–]phormality 1 point2 points ago

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So I'm not missing anything by not understand that ice cream line? I read it multiple times, and even read an alternate telling. I thought maybe it was supposed to be "no, I scream" like with his first joke where "lever bee" was "I'll ever be", but that doesn't make sense either.

I've read two jokes by that guy now; both of them had a very long setup. I didn't find either of them funny and the second one is just confusing. What an awful way to start my day. I have no idea why these got so many upvotes.

[–]datn -1 points0 points ago

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Not sure if you're messing with me, but the (actually funny) joke plays on the dual meanng of "blow a seal": 1) a way in which a motor vehicle can break, 2) giving a seal (another aquatic animal like a penguin) a blowjob. To most listeners, the "ice cream" line is unnecessary as the dual meaning is already apparent.

[–]TootsMcAnus 15 points16 points ago

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That joke is an oldie, but a goodie. I'm sorry to say, however, (and favorite_joke, I sincerely mean no disrespect) that that was the all time worst retelling of that joke in the history of joke telling.

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points ago

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To be fair, there's nothing in his username about being good at telling favorite_joke.

[–]spazmodic- 5 points6 points ago

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or telling good jokes

[–]FletchFFletch 1 point2 points ago

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It's all in the timing.

[–]hab136 3 points4 points ago

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For anyone else confused, apparently an Acadian is a an old Canadian car, and not just the descendants of the 17th-century French colonists who settled in Acadia.

[–]lackofbrain 1 point2 points ago

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I thought it was a mis-spelling of accordion!

[–]barneysrubble 0 points1 point ago

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[–]russellvt 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah, that's obviously a made up joke... there aren't any Friendly's west of Ohio that I can see... /grins

[–]timdiggerm 0 points1 point ago

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[–]jakebluu -1 points0 points ago

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I don't really get it

[–]Lystrodom 18 points19 points ago

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See, when you "blow" someone (that is, perform fellatio on them) if you don't swallow or spit, you might end up with semen all over your face.

If you eat vanilla ice cream, and are a penguin, you might end up with sticky white stuff all over your face, etc.

If you have a problem with your car, it might be a blown seal. This is what the mechanic believes is wrong with the penguins car.

[–]keiyakins 6 points7 points ago

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The ice cream looked like seal semen.

[–]MrKas 4 points5 points ago

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sealmen

[–]motdidr 1 point2 points ago

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"Blew a seal" is referring to both the problem with the car's engine, and the fact that he is covered in what could be seal semen, literally "blowing a seal" (the animal)

[–]phormality 0 points1 point ago

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Oh... I jumped right to the blowing of the seal (the animal). I stopped thinking about the car completely. Thank you for explain it. At least now I won't spend all day trying to figure out now. I kept looking for a double meaning in the "ice cream".

[–]NineteenthJester 0 points1 point ago

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Ice cream all over the penguin=looks like the penguin had a seal ejaculate on him, hence the mechanic's saying, "you blew a seal."

[–]Walking_Carpet -3 points-2 points ago

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I hope that's not your favorite joke.

[–]kaaris 13 points14 points ago

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MY favorite joke is as follows (disclaimer: I'm from the South):

Q: How is my hand like a pie?

A: It's got meringue on it!

[–]ridik_ulass 7 points8 points ago

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south where?

because that's awful

[–]groo667 3 points4 points ago

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Florida? or thereabouts, judging from the meringue. South East United States. "The deep south"

[–]kaaris 1 point2 points ago

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Groo667 has it right: "Deep South", as in, GA/NC. It's funny because it's so terrible, but has to be told deadpan, ending with hysterical laughter. And maybe after a night of hard drinking.

[–]captainhaddock 2 points3 points ago

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You pronounce "meringue" weird. (Or maybe it's "ring" you pronounce weird.)

[–]cjdaniel 1 point2 points ago

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from the South

"It's got mah rang on it!"

Ring is pronouced sort of like "rang". Meringue is "murr-ang" so it sounds the same.

[–]marriage_iguana 0 points1 point ago

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It's my favourite now.

[–]correctBatman 29 points30 points ago

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Better Nate than lever.

[–]Wylkus 9 points10 points ago

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God fuck that story. Like ten pages of actually interesting build up and pretty good writing for the worst pun in history. It still hurts.

[–]Culero 9 points10 points ago

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That story was so long I had forgotten why I started reading it in the first place and then I just facepalmed at the end of it all.

[–]TheJulie 9 points10 points ago

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This joke made me realize how rare (and refreshing) it is to hear a joke that I have never heard before.

[–]I_Can_Haz_Brainz[S] 18 points19 points ago

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+1 for a joke I never heard.

-1 for the sneaky ninja edit.

+1 for relevancy.

[–]favorite_joke 10 points11 points ago

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I try to make all jokes relevant. Otherwise there isn't much of a challenge.

[–]daithiocoinnigh 5 points6 points ago

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Dammit that joke was ruined for me because I pronounce lever

leaver rather than lever

[–]Bobrakis 4 points5 points ago

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I really hate it when these brilliant jokes just don't translate to British English

[–]favorite_joke 1 point2 points ago

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That's okay. You lot have:

Why did the lion get lost?

Because jungle is massive.

[–]kDubya 2 points3 points ago*

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Bees collect nectar, not pollen. They accidentally move pollen around, but they don't use it for anything.

Edit: Pwned. Don't listen to me.

[–]Cyrius 5 points6 points ago

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Bees collect nectar, not pollen. They accidentally move pollen around, but they don't use it for anything.

You are wrong, sir! Without pollen, bees will starve to death. Nectar is almost entirely sugar, and bees need protein. They get that by eating pollen.

Honeybees collect pollen in large quantities, sticking it to their hind legs in big yellow balls for transport back to the hive.

[–]kDubya 0 points1 point ago

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Thanks for correcting me.

[–]favorite_joke 0 points1 point ago

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You are absolutely right. I apologize and will change it.

[–]favorite_joke 0 points1 point ago

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Fuck it. I'm not changing it again.

[–]philosoraptocopter 33 points34 points ago

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That's a nice bee-cycle you've got there

knee slap

[–]rcgarcia 0 points1 point ago

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Elbow and knee slap FTFY

[–]greentangent 8 points9 points ago

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Arrgh, I've been trying to capture a hive all summer and they are always out of reach. That would have to be the easiest capture ever, I am so jealous.

[–]DantesDame 7 points8 points ago

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My husband and I were just saying the same thing!

[–]name_witheld 5 points6 points ago

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We had two swarms at our house within a few years. One of the local farmers came out and collected them both times. It is awesome to watch them scoop them up. The second time it happened I was brave enough to stand and talk with her as she collected them. Fascinating.

[–]damn_it_so_much 8 points9 points ago

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Not a beehive!! Similar thing appeared on a tree at my apartment building: it's a colony looking for a place to build a hive. The queen's in the middle, and the workers protect the queen with their bodies. That's why the shape of the mass continuously changes. It'll only be there for a short time before they all pick up and move.

[–]eebowitz 7 points8 points ago

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This is just Kryptonite's new B lock.

[–]Sneet 8 points9 points ago

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[–]evange 2 points3 points ago

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Let them have it.

[–]shumpitron 2 points3 points ago

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Should have grabbed it and slapped it on your face. Instabeebeard.

[–]bolapara 1 point2 points ago

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Time to buy a new bike.

[–]Se7en_Sinner 1 point2 points ago

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That must be the honey badger's bike.

[–]TheAdAgency 1 point2 points ago

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Bee-powered bike, science fair gold.

[–]lordlicorice 1 point2 points ago

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So you're saying it's not mainstream to put a live beehive on your vintage fixie? Hmmm

[–]TheNinjaBear 1 point2 points ago

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Nope.jpg

[–]narzy 1 point2 points ago

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As a backyard beekeeper I think swarms are very cool. They won't fuck w/ you if you don't fuck w/ them. I actually go out on call and collect swarms from peoples back yards for the "honey hotline." Most of the time I don't even take the bee suit with me. I collect them in a cardboard box wearing t-shirt and shorts, keeper gloves and a smoker.

[–]biscuit484 1 point2 points ago

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That dude's fixed-gear even has a beard.

[–]rabidbasher 1 point2 points ago

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[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Fire is the only answer.

[–]toaster13 1 point2 points ago

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Pussy. Just peddle fast enough that they can't keep up. Show those bees who's boss!

[–]syntaxspam 0 points1 point ago

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Is that Lieutenant Dangle's bike?

[–]mx- 0 points1 point ago

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Would a realistic looking fake beehive attached to your bike similar to OP's pic be as good of a deterrent as an average lock...

[–]reverendfrag4 0 points1 point ago

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Well, that's what happens when you buy an antiquated "vintage" bike that weighs about 30 pounds: you never ride it because it's a pain in the ass, then bees build a nest.

[–]CowplusCowequalsCows 0 points1 point ago

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Could try a vespa instead.

[–]pope_fundy 0 points1 point ago

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I see what you did there.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Stealing my bike wont bring back your GOD DAMNED honey!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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O snap, I heard this modification was the latest buzz.

[–]timatron99 0 points1 point ago

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perhaps this says things about what kind of person I am, but i thought that was a giant nug.

[–]Julolidine 0 points1 point ago

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Fiets te koop?

[–]akindablue 0 points1 point ago

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most effective bike lock ever.

[–]BeingstungbyBees 0 points1 point ago

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FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY MY BIKE? WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME?

[–]buciuman 0 points1 point ago

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Get that made out of plastic so people can stick it to their bikes.

Theft begone!

[–]Microwave_Pete 0 points1 point ago

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Do you deliver?

[–]EsthelleLego 0 points1 point ago

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An unlocked bike on Dam square in Amsterdam. The bees seem more likely.

[–]playswithknives 0 points1 point ago

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Best bike lock ever.

[–]JollyJeff 0 points1 point ago

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Yep, came here to say the same thing.

[–]moxiepuff 0 points1 point ago

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That bicycle has beesticles.

[–]Diggrefuge1 0 points1 point ago

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Was this, by any chance, in Los Gatos California?

[–]tobnddl 0 points1 point ago

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Much more effective than your standard bike lock.

[–]bazzage 0 points1 point ago

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Cool picture, but months old. It is way too late for a swarm in the northern hemisphere, and a bit too early for those on far side of line.

[–]TadMC 0 points1 point ago

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Its best to just leave that bee

[–]tjwell01 0 points1 point ago

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WTF...how long did this person leave his bike alone?

[–]ddunnpsyd 0 points1 point ago

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That bike had to have been there for awhile for a hive to build that large. Just get some hardcore chemicals, spray hive, use long shovel to knock it of off your bike, get on bike and flee very quickly.

[–]davidrools 0 points1 point ago

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Reminds me of My Girl starring Macaulay Culkin.

[–]a_leprechaun 0 points1 point ago

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NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

[–]Radico87 0 points1 point ago

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This would be an excellent antitheft device, if made to be highly realistic.

[–]bloodguard 0 points1 point ago

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And that was the day my bike caught on fire.

[–]pseudo372 0 points1 point ago

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What kind of bike is that?

[–]PhoenixonFire -1 points0 points ago

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[–]btnheazy03 -2 points-1 points ago

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YEP YEP YEP YEP

[–]bland_username -1 points0 points ago

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NOPE NOPE

[–]epicragequit -1 points0 points ago

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yeah, umm.. I'll just walk to the gas station and come back to BURN IT WITH FIRE.

[–]theconversationalist -1 points0 points ago

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at first I thought they were spiders... if they were spiders I would say you need to look into napalm.

[–]causeicantoo -1 points0 points ago

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fuck the spiders, THAT scares the shit out of me! Bring on the napalm!!!

[–]theconversationalist 0 points1 point ago

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but they're all just sleepy honey bee's moving the queen... seems like a real injustice to kill them while they're moving.

[–]angelofdeathofdoom -1 points0 points ago

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guess its time for a new bike

[–]AllStarMe -1 points0 points ago

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I had a Bee hive on my fixed gear before it was cool...

[–]dwg387 -2 points-1 points ago

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NOPE!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]deviationblue 2 points3 points ago

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Let me pedal you a dictionary.

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Ecocide113 -3 points-2 points ago

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Nope nope nope nope nope