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all 79 comments

[–]coochiesmoocher 24 points25 points ago

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This happened to me this weekend with my two toddlers. I walked in to my son's room and was immediately body slammed by an incredible stench. My boy had overcrapped his diaper and was not too worried about it. He spent a good amount of time enjoying redecorating his crib. I pulled him out and to the bathroom while my wife started taking care of the aftermath.

After getting him cleaned up I went to my daughter's bedroom where she was sitting in her bed looking... dirty. She gave me a sad look and said "I'm poopy..." She was definitely poopy, as well as her pajamas, sheets, pillow, blanket, stuffed animals, etc. I picked her up using the hazardous materials robot method and carried her to the bathroom. On the short walk there she said in a quiet voice, "I no feel good", and as I sat her down on the floor she vomited on both of us.

What a way to start the day!

[–]llamagoelz 2 points3 points ago

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that must have really sucked and further embeds the thought that im not yet ready for kids... but the "hazardous materials robot method" painted a perfect picture in my mind so at least you made me laugh

[–]coochiesmoocher 0 points1 point ago

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I'm with you man. I never wanted kids. But, one day, something clicked in my brain and it was all I could do to not have kids.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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I am great with kids, I'm fine dealing with kids' tantrums, etc.

but the reason I know I'm not anywhere ready for kids is that I just can't imagine dealing with the mess kids make. Some friends of mine who have toddlers have just very messy houses. not especially disgusting or anything, but just a lot of clutter: toys, books, kids stuff everywhere. I see hints of a date night (half bottle of wine tucked away on the dining table), but mostly its just a ton of kids stuff. I just can't deal with that kind of clutter ... but I know kids make that sort of mess and it should be alright (don't want to be a nazi to the kids)

then add to that the simple fact that shit is something I have to deal with ... they simply make it and from the sound of it, will play with it for fucks sake.

fuck that, I don't want any kids any time soon.

[–]coochiesmoocher 1 point2 points ago

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Kids aren't for everyone. But some people who never wanted kids suddenly have an insatiable desire to have children. Thing is, when you have a child it all clicks in to place. You don't have to study or practice, it just happens. Then they shit on you. HAZARDOUS MATERIAL ROBOT TO THE RESCUE.

[–]missstar 1 point2 points ago

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My first is due in about three months. Out of interest: did someone teach you stuff like the 'bomb squad robot' maneuver, or do you just pick all this up as you go along?

[–]Roaning 1 point2 points ago

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you wanna hold a shit covered baby close to your body? I think not.

[–]missstar 2 points3 points ago

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Nope. I want to hold it by its ankles above the lawn and just use a garden hose to clean it up. Are such practical methods permitted?

[–]Roaning 0 points1 point ago

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Only with a power hose.

[–]coochiesmoocher 0 points1 point ago

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Nobody wants to hold crappy mammals close to them, but if you choose to have children it is an inevitable scenario.

[–]coochiesmoocher 0 points1 point ago

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Totally figured out as it happened. I simply did not want a shit-covered child touching me even with the promise of a long, hot shower afterward.

[–]plasticine_crow 1 point2 points ago

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TIL this happens more often than is funny.

[–]MJZMan 15 points16 points ago

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Best part is, that takes all of 3 seconds to happen.

[–]billmalarky 26 points27 points ago

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[–]wilhrt 3 points4 points ago

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Reminds me of this time freshman year of college, this kid threw up and shit himself all over the floor bathroom. Oh man. Good times.

[–]shfiftyfive 1 point2 points ago

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I may be your subject...

[–]wilhrt 2 points3 points ago

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We're talking vomit/shitting projecting across the bathroom stall. The smell was unbelievable. If you were... Tyler ....I'm sorry I laughed.

[–]shfiftyfive 0 points1 point ago

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Negative. Not a Tyler here. I confess I did so in the shower stalls though. Slightly better? Nah, still a shitty situation.

[–]Cataclismic 22 points23 points ago

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I WAS EATING NUTELLA WHEN I CLICKED THAT

THANK YOU VERY MUCH

[–]-Tears-[S] 11 points12 points ago

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I warned in title did I not?

I will finish your nutella if you do not want anymore!

[–]Cataclismic 8 points9 points ago

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I'm a trooper, I finished it.

It was even tastier due to the effort it took to eat it.

[–]Tempest_Dynamo 17 points18 points ago

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So I was THAT kid. Apparently around 2 years old my diaper was full and I was left alone in a room inside one of those playpen things. My grandmother thought I was taking a nap and went to go clean something for some unknown amount of time. Not being one to put up with this situation, I took off my diaper and swirled it above my head. To give the appropriate mental image it was like a cowboy with a lasso. My brother discovered my...artwork and was so overtaken with laughter that he collapsed outside the room in the hallway with the door open. It looked like a cluster bomb hit a waste treatment plant. When my mother and my grandmother came to find what happened, they were more horrified and disgusted than filled with laughter. I vaguely remember this, but the details were imparted upon me in my adolescence, much to my amazement.

[–]Wilhelm_Amenbreak 5 points6 points ago

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My son had a similar thing happen to him when he was roughly that age. He was at daycare and was supposed to be taking a nap. The teacher had told the kids that they couldn't get up from their cots. My son needed to crap so he crapped in one of his shoes. (impressive really, he got pretty much the whole thing in the shoe). It was the perfect crime except he got some of it on his hands and proceded to wipe it all over his cot and and the wall. I got a call from the teacher, telling me to come pick him up. She had a little bit of an attitude like I had somehow fostered an environment at home that somehow encouraged this behavior. I wanted to tell her that if she had problems with that type of thing happening, she might want to pick a different profession. She also gave me a bag with his shoe in it when I came to pick him up. Yeah, we didn't keep that shoe.

tl;dr My son pooped in a shoe at daycare during nap time.

[–]diskmaster23 3 points4 points ago

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At least you didn't need to clean up the daycare center. I think you won.

[–]PreExRedditor 4 points5 points ago

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PARTY HARD!!

[–]dptronz 2 points3 points ago

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Shouldn't have named him Maynard.

[–]GregTheTraceur 6 points7 points ago

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NSFL = Not Safe For Lunch?

[–]rumnscurvy 3 points4 points ago

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That's what I thought, but apparently it can also stand for Not safe for life.

[–]GregTheTraceur 0 points1 point ago

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I guess I thought of that because I was eating lunch when I saw it...

[–]ZoomaBaresAll 1 point2 points ago

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How about NSFE? Not safe for eating. I don't think I can finish my grilled cheese...

[–]CarpeNivem 1 point2 points ago

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I think that's actually what the OP meant. He intended the L to stand for Lunch, apparently not knowing the L in this context usually stands for Life.

[–]latticusnon 0 points1 point ago

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The other day someone used WTF to mean "where the fuck". The title didn't make sense to me for about a minute.

[–]vorpal_blade 1 point2 points ago

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My toddler went through a period where she did this every day at naptime. My husband would lay her down for a nap, then take one himself, and I'd come home from work to him sleeping and her tossing her poo over the side of the crib.

The worst part was, I think it's because she just didn't like having shit on her butt. I was working on potty training her at the time, and she never played with it or anything, just threw it over the side of her crib to make a nice mess on the carpet below.

[–]llamagoelz 0 points1 point ago

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just in case i ever have to deal with such a terrible experience.... how does one solve this? do you just watch the kid all the time?

[–]vorpal_blade 2 points3 points ago

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We put her in one-piece pajamas - the zipup, footie kind - and taped the zipper to the top so she couldn't unzip it. Eventually she just started crying when she pooed instead of trying to get the poo out; and I convinced my husband to get up and change her whenever she started crying - so it worked out.

[–]llamagoelz 1 point2 points ago

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okay good theres a simple solution although unfortunately im probably going to end up being the guy who my SO tells to clean it up but thats way better than cleaning an entire room of shit

[–]vorpal_blade 0 points1 point ago

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To be fair, he had to change her diaper because I would have been at work for another hour or so .. and I was the one who cleaned the room full of shit on several occasions :)

[–]redd0nkulous -2 points-1 points ago

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Glad your husband was convinced to get up off of his fat ass so your child didn't have to sit screaming in her own shit. We've got some real ace parents here on reddit.

[–]pbhj 0 points1 point ago

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how does one solve this? //

Can I offer suggestions that have helped us.

From 6 months, put them on the potty when they get up, before you go out, before a nap and whenever they ask. At the same age teach baby sign, so they can tell you from about 10-12months when they want things (mum milk, potty, food, sleep, etc.). Don't use a dummy, it hinders oral communication and can lead to more, er, creative methods of drawing attention to needs.

Consider cloth diapers to help the child learn when they're going - you could also use nappy pins then to hold the nappy on if necessary.

[–]haesuse 0 points1 point ago

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Did she get beatings?

[–]vorpal_blade 1 point2 points ago

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haha, no. But I did just sit down on her floor and cry once, and I think after that she kind of got the idea that she was being a horrible human being.

[–]haesuse 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah, my two year old has never done anything with his poop. If he were to, I don't know how well I'd keep my patience.

[–]vorpal_blade 0 points1 point ago

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It's more difficult than I thought. I never had an issue before, even through sleepless nights and endless crying; but throwing your own poo? It just seemed so basic an aversion that I couldn't even believe it was happening.

[–]Vee_Vee 1 point2 points ago

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Yes, you are a brilliant condom ad.

[–]Hee_Hee -2 points-1 points ago

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pretentious as fuck

[–]Vee_Vee -1 points0 points ago

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You're one angry piece of shit, aren't you? LOL!

[–]Hee_Hee -3 points-2 points ago

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pretentious as fuck

[–]plasticine_crow 0 points1 point ago

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Are... are you... the same person?

[–]lostpasswordagain 2 points3 points ago

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Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool.

[–]CapnShark 0 points1 point ago

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Don't be a dummy! Cum on her tummy!

[–]littlebitofevrything 6 points7 points ago

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I'm sorry, but if you think that is anywhere close to NSFL you have lived a very sheltered life. This coming from a young middle-class girl.

[–]afterbirthbuffet 3 points4 points ago

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You browse pictures of shit while eating lunch? That's odd behavior for a young middle-class girl

[–]littlebitofevrything 8 points9 points ago

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That post was assuming NSFL means Not Safe For Life. I've never seen Not Safe For Lunch...

[–]littlebitofevrything 1 point2 points ago

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That post was assuming NSFL means Not Safe For Life. I've never seen Not Safe For Lunch...

[–]treerex 1 point2 points ago

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Indeed... as a parent of twins (who are thankfully long past that stage) this falls into the category of, "just another day of parenthood." :-)

[–]-Tears-[S] -1 points0 points ago*

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[–]kyoutenshi 4 points5 points ago

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Talk about a... shitty situation.

[–]Reagan2012 1 point2 points ago

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If you have a kid and he's throwing and smearing his feces some would consider that a sign that he's been sexually abused.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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FUCKING HATE CHILDREN.

[–]Crapaholic 0 points1 point ago

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so does this color go with the furniture mom?

[–]Dremul 0 points1 point ago

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Ahhh the good old days...

[–]Ordinary_People 0 points1 point ago

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having kids NSFLISH

[–]ultrapampers 0 points1 point ago

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Duct tape = problem solved.

[–]cboogie 0 points1 point ago

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[–]Honey_Cheese 0 points1 point ago

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How can something be NSFL -ish? That, my friend, is an oxy-moron

[–]yaredw 0 points1 point ago

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Toss shit

Take Nap

What?

[–]zitalian 0 points1 point ago

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adult version: College freshman meme

[–]RTrader83 0 points1 point ago

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2 words: Pink Eye

[–]Wheel_of_Cheese 0 points1 point ago

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He must be pooped.

[–]MemoryMaze 0 points1 point ago

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Getting tubes tied right now.

[–]Herborist 0 points1 point ago

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NSFL? Not safe for life?

[–]fallenangel51294 0 points1 point ago

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  1. Toss Shit
  2. Take Nap
  3. ????
  4. Profit

[–]pikacz 0 points1 point ago

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now i'm convinced, no babies for jakucha

[–]Tokugawa 0 points1 point ago

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Supposedly, this can be what having an autistic kid is like.

[–]fistea -1 points0 points ago

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When the tag said "Throw Shit", I thought, "hmm, he dint throw any of the stuff in the room. He just threw his poop". Then it hit me. Literal shit.

Brain fart.