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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]brettcadet 772 points773 points ago

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Cue 90% of iPhone users who saw this texting it to their friends

[–]tuckels 763 points764 points ago

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I just texted myself. Much easier.

[–]seabiscuittt 69 points70 points ago

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You just found my new default image for everything.

Thank you.

[–]veganatheist 44 points45 points ago

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Forever baleen.

[–]SlutsRUs 176 points177 points ago

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SUCKERS! I have a flip phone and no one to text.

[–]kisho420 13 points14 points ago

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Motorola RAZR V3 for the win!

[–]danthedrummist 161 points162 points ago

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Just sent Regular Whale and Baby Whale to the 4 people I know have iPhones. : D

[–]HyzerFlip 76 points77 points ago

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And droid users with handcent and iphone style message windows.

[–]BDaught 163 points164 points ago*

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[–]HyzerFlip 99 points100 points ago

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You have to hit enter a few times.

[–]BDaught 99 points100 points ago

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Yeah I figured that out afterwards...

[–]HyzerFlip 33 points34 points ago

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My first on was too tall. Then I made a good one then a good baby back to back.

[–]BDaught 164 points165 points ago

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This was my second attempt. I'm just going to call it a night.

[–]HybridEmblem 112 points113 points ago

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Your whale has psychic powers

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]DreNoob 20 points21 points ago

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Well he is texting Sabrina.

[–]Allycia 28 points29 points ago

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Don't worry I sent something like:

._____________________. 

A whale!

to my little brother, and he said "A fail!"

Too many ___'s :(

[–]lop987 11 points12 points ago

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Now that's downs syndrome.

The whale not you. Had to make that clear. Still sounds like an insult.

[–]NotSoMeanJoe 4 points5 points ago

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i laughed WAY too hard at the 2nd attempt. I think I actually cackled. GG. Have an upvote.

[–]BDaught 25 points26 points ago

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Now that I look at it it reminds me of this.

[–]dreamendDischarger 3 points4 points ago

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Also, blackberry users with CrunchSMS.

[–]TheFluxIsThis 33 points34 points ago

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brb, going to buy an iphone so I can do this to all my friends.

[–]KarmicDeficit 42 points43 points ago

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No, you would have to buy iPhones for all your friends for it to work.

[–]zaudo 22 points23 points ago

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Unless all his friends have iPhones already.

Or unless he himself is his only friend.

/foreveralonelogic

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]DrowningPhoenix 10 points11 points ago

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you make me wince.

still though, if all your arguments start about how you always text him stupid pictures of whales. . . you're doing something right.

[–]noweh_yahweh 734 points735 points ago

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[–]abledanger 255 points256 points ago

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I'm convinced that the "You're an X" comeback is the funniest thing that can ever be said.

When I was in high school, my friends and I were getting the car to go buy some video games.

My Mom: "Video games are a waste of money."

Me, quite unexpectedly: "YOU'RE A WASTE OF MONEY."

My friends started laughing and my mom started crying.

Actually, maybe it's not all fun and games now that I think about it.

[–]StreakyChimp 57 points58 points ago

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YOU'RE AN INANIMATE FUCKING OBJECT!

[–]Fillup231 79 points80 points ago

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I do this too. My mom's a whore.

[–]thesoppywanker 66 points67 points ago

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YOU'RE A WHORE

[–]Fillup231 38 points39 points ago

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MOM?!

[–]saadakhtar 57 points58 points ago

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YOU'RE A MOM

[–]ERNIEbro 13 points14 points ago

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Replying "YOU'RE A TOWEL" always gets me, regardless of what was said first.

[–]sgt_shizzles 92 points93 points ago

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Nice innuendo at the end there. Gotta retain the dignity.

[–]someb0dy 24 points25 points ago

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I was stealthily reading reddit at work looking like I was being productive until I burst out laughing.

Thanks.

[–]roffler 17 points18 points ago

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More amusing than the OP, I think that's pretty much the par for the course for front page.

[–]ItsBeccaDuhh 5 points6 points ago

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I'm still laughing at this.

[–]conanarama 39 points40 points ago

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I'm crying and snotting from laughter. omg. Funniest thing ever. Took me a few minutes to write this because I keep laughing. I think my fever is making me a bit loony.

[–]honeyandvinegar 5 points6 points ago

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help i cant stop laughing hahahahhahaha

[–]seans9 148 points149 points ago

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I just sent this to my wife. This was her response: http://i.imgur.com/JePG9.jpg

[–]NatelieOne 46 points47 points ago

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I'm guessing your wife is one of those sarcastic people.

[–]seans9 32 points33 points ago

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Haha yes, but it's actually a line from the movie Step Brothers. The original line is "That's cute. I remember when I had my first beer"

[–]mojotoad 13 points14 points ago*

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Oh man, I must carbon date myself. Try Steve Martin's "Wild And Crazy Guy", the vinyl recording of which I memorized word for word back when I was still in grade school. On said album he shuts down a heckler with "I remember when I had my first beer".

Now, where Steve first heard it, I cannot say, perhaps it's a trope in the entertainment industry. That was in 1978. Your reference is from 2008.

Still funny though.

P.S. edit - at least, I assume you mean the 2008 movie, as opposed to the 1913 one.

P.P.S. <ctrl-f> for beer

[–]abledanger 12 points13 points ago

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Why didn't you drop the baby whale immediately after?

[–]Chewie316 162 points163 points ago

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I stole your joke here is the result! http://i.imgur.com/iZAPM.jpg

[–][deleted] 87 points88 points ago

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Well? How many 12 year old girls?

[–]Rejdukien 78 points79 points ago

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ᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ

[–]thepricklyplatypus 69 points70 points ago

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A girl I know sent this to me just now with the tagline: "I saw this on Tumblr."

It's over.

[–]IDontHaveTimeForThis 31 points32 points ago

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YOU HEARD THE MAN! PARTY'S OVER, FOLKS!

PICK UP YOUR KARMA COUPONS ON THE WAY OUT.

[–]IAmAWhaleBiologist 1151 points1152 points ago*

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"Okay, that's not what whale biologists do. We are a sacred order that has existed for eons to keep time and space as we know it intact. We traverse the stars, closing the occasional time paradox here and there, stopping particularly disastrous worm holes (not to mention the space worms they spawn) from time to time. It is a lonely life, but is a life that someone must live. That is why the physical "whale biologist" is really only an immortal shell that is passed between us spectral whale biologists as time goes on."

-IAmAWhaleBiolgist

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Canineteeth 65 points66 points ago

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Given his comment karma, he has been around, like Orcas in their migratory patterns. Most frontpagers have seen his name, and he has left his mark.

[–]alive41stime 26 points27 points ago

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Because he's the hero Reddit deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

So we'll hunt him...

because he can take it

[–]A_Whale_Biologist 63 points64 points ago

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He's not A Whale Biologist; I am! And we do not cruise the galaxy. We calls 'em like we sees 'em.

[–]IAmA_WhaleBiologist 28 points29 points ago

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As a Whale Biologist I can confirm that this poster is not a whale biologist! The original Whale biologist is right and that is our normal routine, BUT This life is not always a lonely one. I can attest to the fact that some of us get regular poontang and any other kind of tang we desire.

[–]Stickguy259 5 points6 points ago

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TIL Whale Biologists are horny Doctors.

[–]myfrontpagebrowser 2 points3 points ago

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Fuck. For a second time today I have come to the conclusion I really should quit reddit... Two days in a row... The rate of "I really should quit reddit" is increasing...

[–]Poorly-Timed-GOB 5 points6 points ago

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IT AIN'T EASYYYY BEING WHITE

[–]relevant_rule34 865 points866 points ago*

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[–][deleted] 101 points102 points ago*

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This made me really sad, and I just started this account today for unrelated reasons.

[–]acharmedmatrix 20 points21 points ago

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Either you can predict the future or you just have incredible luck.

[–]Novelty_Checker 30 points31 points ago

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Quit doing my work for me.

[–]kingoflego 273 points274 points ago

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There's no way that could work.

[–]IAmAWhaleBiologist 604 points605 points ago

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Yes there is. You know that hole on top of whales so that they can use straws? Exactly dick sized.

[–]autocorrector 1142 points1143 points ago

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ಠ_____________________ಠ

[–]Crazymtgplayer 120 points121 points ago

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A look of whale disapproval?

[–]HandsOfNod 554 points555 points ago

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      .-'
 '--./ /     _.---.
 '-,  (__..-`       \
   \          ಠ     | You asked for it...
    `,.__.   ,__.--/
      '._/_.'___.-`

[–]finkalicious 172 points173 points ago

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Can we get a pot of petunias looking disappointed while we're at it?

[–]ctishman 432 points433 points ago

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 @(\/)

         (\/)-{}-)@
       @(={}=)/\)(\/)
      (\/(/\)@| (-{}-)
     (={}=)@(\/)@(/\)@
      (/\)\(={}=)/(\/)
      @(\/)\(/\)/(={}=)
      (-{}-)""""@/(/\)
       (/\)|:   |
          /::'   \
         /:::     \
        |::'  ಠ_ಠ |
        |::        |
        \::.       /
    jgs  ':______.'
          `""""""`

[–]bentraveling 31 points32 points ago

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Not again..

[–]TyMan210 57 points58 points ago

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Oh, not again...

[–]Canineteeth 23 points24 points ago

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If we knew why it thought this, we would know a lot more about the universe than we do now.

[–]HandsOfNod 178 points179 points ago

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       , .-.-,_,
       )`-. '` (
      /     `\  |
      |  42   | |
       \     / /
       `=(\ /.=`
        `-;`.-' 
          `)|     ,
           ||  .-'|
         ,_||  \_,/
   ,      \|| .'
   |\|\  , ||/
  ,_\` |/| |Y_,
   '-.'-._\||/
       _.-`Y|
      ` .-"||"-.
        \'----'/
         |:.  |
         |::. |
        /::::  \
      .:::'     '.
     /:::         \
    ;:::'          ;
    |:::    42     |
    |:::           |
    |:::           |
    ;:::           ;
    \:::.          /
     ':::..      .'
       `""-----""`

[–]ftc08 163 points164 points ago

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THAT IS A ROSE YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

[–][deleted] 65 points66 points ago

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The 42s are a nice touch.

[–]WiiMachinE 11 points12 points ago

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Good but I don't see the disappointment/Disapproval.

[–]nate8nate 23 points24 points ago

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A whale of disapproval?

[–]VUX 34 points35 points ago

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you beluga it out of proportion there.

[–]VIIX 28 points29 points ago

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I like your name...

[–]swimmermango 19 points20 points ago

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It's like you were meant to be together.

[–]CrunkLimonada 553 points554 points ago

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._____________________.

[–]StonednDrunk 384 points385 points ago

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Whale poker face.

[–]thatwasntveryraven 185 points186 points ago

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poker? I hardly knew 'er!

[–]IActuallyKnowHerWell 373 points374 points ago

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But I do.

[–]makesureimjewish 176 points177 points ago

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._______.

baby whale

[–]GRADUALLY_UNSURE 35 points36 points ago

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Dunno why, but this made me laugh half the beer I was drinking out of my nose. I literally convulsed, pathetically trying to keep it all down.

[–]makesureimjewish 26 points27 points ago

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hahaha i'm happy i made you happy but here's some context (i had a similar reaction when i saw that).

time to get off reddit..

[–]shigal777 60 points61 points ago

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That thread you linked to... This is it..

[–]bleachpedro3 28 points29 points ago

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Oh look an awkward whale

[–]helium_farts 22 points23 points ago

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Hey, stop talking about me.

[–]greenhelium 22 points23 points ago

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Hey now. We're in this together.

[–]_delirium 14 points15 points ago

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none of them can stop us now

[–]Chiburger 24 points25 points ago

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Whale whale whale what do we have here.

[–]annoyedatwork 11 points12 points ago

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Whale is upside down - he's slippin' it in the cloaca.

[–]AlbertaDwarfSpruce 12 points13 points ago

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Dad, what's the blow-hole for?

[–]Bring_Napkins 76 points77 points ago

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I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

[–]ShallowBasketcase 17 points18 points ago

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relevant username?

[–]silentjudas 48 points49 points ago

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Actually, that's W.T. Snacks of 4chan fame.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

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SNACKS

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points ago

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bring back snacks!

[–][deleted] 24 points25 points ago

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Isn't that W.T. Snacks?

[–]rikonstruct 19 points20 points ago

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I hate to break out my 2004 4chan cred, but that's WT Snacks

[–]k5josh 15 points16 points ago

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Goddamnit, Snacks.

[–]Panina 7 points8 points ago

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Is it a humpback whale?

[–]dannylandulf 4 points5 points ago

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Wow. The biologist has a nice ass.

[–]klieber 15 points16 points ago

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1) rule 34 was never more true

2) lol @ alt text

3) wtf

[–]aerop1ane 3 points4 points ago

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why did I click this?

[–]OdysseusX 4 points5 points ago

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Lies! I wanna see his degree!

[–]autocorrector 56 points57 points ago

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Lies, you just reddit all the time.

[–]IAmAWhaleBiologist 101 points102 points ago

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Reddit is but a gateway between the whale biologists, a form of contact. I also use it to write dick jokes on the internet.

[–]brandonsireland 22 points23 points ago

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8====D~

[–]aerop1ane 58 points59 points ago

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I always see this as a dude with a really long nose and little landing strip goatee.

[–]theineffablebob 48 points49 points ago

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You are a sick fuck.

[–]StuBenedict 21 points22 points ago

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Lies. I bet you just tell people you're George Costanza.

[–]IAmAWhaleBiologist 26 points27 points ago

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No, I tell people to stay away from Bruce Vilanch, because he is a time demon sent sideways in time to stop the whale biologists.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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Ctrl+F "Costanza"

Good job.

[–]HeIsAWhaleBiologist 48 points49 points ago

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That IAmAWhaleBiologist is so hot right now.

[–]Dave_ 5 points6 points ago

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Follow him. Follow him everywhere.

[–]rathofspen 6 points7 points ago

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Redditor for almost 3 months. Color me impressed.

[–]Narzman 33 points34 points ago

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TIL whale biologists are time lords.

[–]Zoccihedron 26 points27 points ago

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Not time lords, wailords

[–]Narzman 23 points24 points ago

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[–]MsMish24 8 points9 points ago

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Fezzes are cool.

[–]AcerRubrum 15 points16 points ago

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I clicked on the comments for this post hoping you would have the top comment. I was not disappointed

[–]as_a_black_guy 11 points12 points ago*

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WAIT!!!!!!

Can you explain how "slingshotting" around the sun would

A. Aid in time travel?

B. Be beneficial in whale conservation?

C. Confuse an old drunk doctor so he just goes along for the ride?

EDIT: Included a little alliteration.

[–]IAmAWhaleBiologist 29 points30 points ago

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A. Whale Biologist have no need for time travel. We exist in the Always, the All-Time.

B.Whales are a precious resource, and one of the few reasons the Earth isn't just destroyed for the hell of it. Slingshotting around the sun would push back the moon, raising the tides. This would mean larger oceans. This means there is more space for whales, thus more whales will fill in that space.

c.Old drunk doctor's are easily confused. I prescribe a few riddles or word-plays along with a punch to the face.

[–]as_a_black_guy 10 points11 points ago

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Ok, A. was a trick question.

But, based on your answers I'd have to say you are a bona fide Whale Biologist.

I thought you cats had abandoned this sector long ago. But based on your comment history, I'd have to say you've been here with us all along.

The black guys are here to assist with your endeavors.

I am currently punching an old man.

Say. . . just what is green and red and can reach speeds upwards of 320 km/hour?

[–]IAmAWhaleBiologist 9 points10 points ago

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Say. . . just what is green and red and can reach speeds upwards of 320 km/hour?

I.

[–]as_a_black_guy 2 points3 points ago

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I'm touching the tip of my nose and pointing at you knowingly.

[–]IAmAWhaleBiologist 3 points4 points ago

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We whale biologist and black guys must unite to defeat the terrors of this universe.

[–]as_a_black_guy 6 points7 points ago

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Indeed, but we don't even know what were up against yet. First, lets finish beating up this old man.

[–]Elumako 3 points4 points ago

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Say. . . just what is green and red and can reach speeds upwards of 320 km/hour?

A frog in a blender...?

[–]aryaf 8 points9 points ago

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Wasn't that a Star Trek movie?

[–]IAmAWhaleBiologist 19 points20 points ago

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No. This is real. This affects everyone. Being a whale biologist is serious. You live in the Always, the All-Time. Do you understand the pain of never getting to live in the flesh and blood of the now? Never getting to experience events as they occur? Knowing the end to the Sixth Sense before the first trailer was even out?

[–]gdebug 8 points9 points ago

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  • Directed by Whalebiologistshamadingdong

[–]ThaddyG 15 points16 points ago

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I knew you'd show up and set the record straight.

[–]DrDan21 4 points5 points ago

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Reading this link the first thing that came to mind is that you were going to be here...:)

[–]WallyWalrus 3 points4 points ago

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Do you have a PhD in whale biology? Making you a doctor?

[–]IAmAWhaleBiologist 10 points11 points ago

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It is not a science. It is knowledge passed instantaneously from one WB to the next as they trade the husks you call "bodies."

[–]ExtraGood 154 points155 points ago

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I'd love to be friends with someone like that, and I know nothing else about that person. That's saying something, man.

[–]steaksawse 81 points82 points ago

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He calls 'em like he sees 'em. Whale biologist.

[–]paperwarrior 25 points26 points ago

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Though personally, he hates whales.

[–]wyzzerd 16 points17 points ago

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But he doesn't know you well enough to get into that.

[–]littleleota 11 points12 points ago

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That bathing suit makes you look fat--whale biologist.

[–]DrJohnBatman 4 points5 points ago

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We better listen to this guy, he's a whale biologist.

[–]ConstipatedNinja 310 points311 points ago

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Too cute to downvote.

[–]silletta 179 points180 points ago

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I wouldn't even care if it was fake.

[–]motteandbailey 103 points104 points ago

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That is a phrase I wish to say many times in my life.

[–]enjoyingtheride 338 points339 points ago

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baby whale

Haha, I would have a beer with that man.

[–]hackysack 345 points346 points ago

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Haha, I would have a couple thousand krill with that whale.

[–][deleted] 65 points66 points ago

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Hey, you did that on porpoise.

[–]Hackey_Sack 3 points4 points ago

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What the fuck? Are you me?

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points ago

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Two whales are sitting next to each other at a bar

One leans over to the other and says "BMRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

The other replies "Woah, man. You're really drunk."

[–]enjoyingtheride 10 points11 points ago

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haha, you had me at

Two whales are sitting next to each other at a bar

[–]TruePimp 70 points71 points ago

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I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

[–]ZeroBugBounce 16 points17 points ago

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Precious hamburgers?

[–]littleleota 8 points9 points ago

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Who smells like freakin porpoise hoark?

[–]Amazing_Dave 25 points26 points ago

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Personally, I hate whales.

[–]RPShep 22 points23 points ago

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Then why'd you become a whale biologist?

[–]Amazing_Dave 23 points24 points ago

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I don't know you well enough to get into that.

[–]EmperorNortonI 9 points10 points ago

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The suit was ugly. Whale biologist!

[–]abbe-normal1 8 points9 points ago

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The suit was ugly. -Whale Biologist

[–]mblock04 10 points11 points ago

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Yeah. You're lumpy and you smell awful!

[–]stonedheart 56 points57 points ago

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You're lumpy and smell awful! Whale biologist.

[–]abbe-normal1 11 points12 points ago

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I call's em like I sees em.

[–]FuriousJ 3 points4 points ago

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I'm really upset with reddit that a futurama quote is not far and away the most upvoted.

[–]fattony0072 49 points50 points ago

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[–][deleted] 26 points27 points ago

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Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Mushu! The educated whale who thinks he's better than you!

[–]littleleota 11 points12 points ago

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It's Mushu, the educated whale who thinks he's better than you!

[–]dont_mind_the_matter 26 points27 points ago

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Then there's always this classic gem.

[–]yoghurt_ninja 3 points4 points ago

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I don't get it (first year chem eng student).

[–]tenhotuisku 10 points11 points ago

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I am yet to see a pic have this many points (3600+) especially this quick (3 hours)

[–]EZurch 20 points21 points ago

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"The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish! Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted me up. Tossed like a cork I found myself on top of him, face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction!" (Pulls Titleist from pocket)

TL;DR: Whale-related Costanza quote

[–]agreiner 9 points10 points ago

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I texted that bitch a whale. Bitches love whales.

[–]waynedrops 5 points6 points ago

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nailed it! thursday sex! thursday sex! http://imgur.com/tQOjz

[–][deleted] 24 points25 points ago

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How does he not have ALL THE FRIENDS ಠ_ಠ

[–]jeffAA 103 points104 points ago

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Only the cool people will get this reference.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]jeffAA 78 points79 points ago

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Like an old man trying to return soup at a deli!

[–]TheEclectic 28 points29 points ago

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I got about 50 feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!"

[–][deleted] 61 points62 points ago

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From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!

[–]baticrease 69 points70 points ago

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Mammal.

Whatever!

[–]JimbobTheBuilder 46 points47 points ago

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I said EAAAASY BIG FELLA!

[–]Donald_Pietrowski 36 points37 points ago

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I think you mean anyone with a hearbeat in the 90's

[–]jeffAA 12 points13 points ago

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Apparently there aren't that many here.

[–]RedsforMeds 16 points17 points ago

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We may be few, but we're laughing.

[–]homebrewtj 9 points10 points ago

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Not that there's anything wrong with that...

[–]Phinnegan 18 points19 points ago

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is it a Titleist?

[–]homebrewtj 9 points10 points ago

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Hole in one!

[–]RedSquaree 3 points4 points ago

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My favourite scene from that episode. Especially after Jerry's "Now..."

[–]kycube 19 points20 points ago

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-I- would be his friend.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points ago

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Nice try, whale.

[–]Ram64 7 points8 points ago

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You came to the right place, I'm the Whale Biologist. Although personally I hate whales. especially Mushu...

[–]Pragmataraxia 5 points6 points ago

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That is the best response to a rhetorical question I think I have ever read.

[–]PeterPopoff 3 points4 points ago

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Looks more like Deep Thought to me.

[–]hybridsilence 17 points18 points ago

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Why is this so popular? 3200 upvotes in one hour? What?

[–]Tgg161 7 points8 points ago

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It's the result of the pro-whale faction of reddit.

[–]PumpValve 4 points5 points ago

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I laughed my ass off at this. I know, I know, don't say shit like "I Lol'd" but I have to say I found this just creative enough and just the right bit off-center that I laughed. I'll hate myself tomorrow but fuck you, there it is.

[–]Decon87 3 points4 points ago

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Ok, well now I know that my girlfriend reads Reddit and (poorly) trys to hide it from me.