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top 200 commentsshow all 328

[–]smellons 702 points703 points ago

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He was very generous to give two stars. Usually when I get murdered somewhere, it's only one at the most!

Oh Abe, we need you at a time like this!

[–]iSmokeTheXS 482 points483 points ago

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The food was good, he had to be honest.

[–]GeneralWarts 293 points294 points ago

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Audience participation was great. They really brought the show out to him.

[–]FinnSteffen 244 points245 points ago

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Special effects were a little too real.

[–]mortimasiv 474 points475 points ago

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Some might say he was . . .

Blown Away.

[–][deleted] 356 points357 points ago

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Too soon.

[–]Farun 106 points107 points ago

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Never.

[–]KuKluxPlan 119 points120 points ago

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Forget.

[–]jpmezart 133 points134 points ago

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To bring.

[–]Bedeone 230 points231 points ago

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A towel.

[–]GeneralWarts 80 points81 points ago

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You forgot your sunglasses.

[–]dhaft88 19 points20 points ago*

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that's why he failed

edit:

he has risen

[–]WallabySupreme 9 points10 points ago

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He started a coffin'

[–]dhaft88 4 points5 points ago

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starks fan?

[–]Akeii 2 points3 points ago

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No, if he had a tin suit he wouldn't have died.

[–]zoolander951 1 point2 points ago

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But before he could make it back to the batcave, Abraham Lincoln popped outta his grave And took an ak47 out from under his hat And blew batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat

[–]NotAJewFro 7 points8 points ago

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Wait I thought this was how Abe died?

[–]bbrandon987 3 points4 points ago

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Before I even clicked the link I knew it was going to be WKUK

[–]oh_whattodo 2 points3 points ago

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CALM DOWN. JUST CALM DOWN

[–]Abdabs_65 1 point2 points ago

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[–]supaphly42 1 point2 points ago

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Hilarity ensued, then death.

[–]Jemeramy 16 points17 points ago

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Other people seemed to like it!

[–]pretend-expert 82 points83 points ago

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Abe Lincoln expert here. Ford's Theatre has the best crepe's in town. This is Abe's achilles heel. He was lured in with promises of great and savory goodness, he only got halfway through his dish when the unexpected happened.... He dropped his fork. The kind waiter John W. Booth was able to fetch him a new one, he came back back however with a little surprise.... A fresh apple cinnamon crepe. And then he got shot.

[–]MentalBeaver 33 points34 points ago

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I have no choice but to believe an expert of...hey, wait a minute!

[–]executex 10 points11 points ago

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Ah fuck he got me too. Please call the Reddit men-at-arms immediately, he's doing it again.

[–]grindinghalt 8 points9 points ago

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I read it as "creep"

[–]AdamBombTV 12 points13 points ago

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Is it a crepe or is it a weird dough?

[–]DressSexyAtMyFuneral 4 points5 points ago

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[–]wideninggyre 1 point2 points ago

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Wheezy Waiter is always relevant.

[–]worrst 2 points3 points ago

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crape?

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points ago

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I'm also an Abe Lincoln expert. There are several accounts of Abe Lincoln being a rampant alcoholic. After sobering up from a particularly heavy 3 week binge, Lincoln was overheard to have remarked:

"I FREED THE WHAT?"

[–]KimJongIlSunglasses 17 points18 points ago

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"I meant to say slavs. Eastern Europeans really face a lot of oppression!"

[–]bldkis 8 points9 points ago

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Man no matter how old and educated I get I will always read that word first as "cre- pay" then as the correct pronounciation.

[–]RandomEtymology 19 points20 points ago

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A crepe is a thin pancake. It is more properly spelled crêpe, the French word that is its source. It originally derives from Latin crespe.

The little hat that sits on top of the e is called a circumflex. In French, it is used to indicated that there used to be a consonant (almost alwas s) that has disappeared and only the vowel remain. For instance, French hôpital is English hospital, French côte is English coast, and French hôtel is English hostel (the English word hotel is a later, direct loan from the French that simply lost its circumflex).

[–]i_hate_novelty 2 points3 points ago

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BOTH OF YOU IN THE SAME THREAD. IS THERE NO JUSTICE.

[–]seydar 3 points4 points ago

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What's an example of a circumflex taking the place of a consonant that is NOT an s?

[–]RandomEtymology 7 points8 points ago

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Actually, when it comes to consonants, I can only think of examples where it replaces an s, but while it is fairly rare, it can also replace a vowel, often used to indicate that a vowel should not be used as diaresis (i.e. it should not be stretched into two syllables). Far and away the most common example of this is the past participle of the verb devoir, which is (the vowel swallowed here is e, it used to be deu), but also used in mûr ("wall", from muer), bâillion ("to yawn", from baaillion) and âge ("age", from aage).

[–]botjay 1 point2 points ago

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informative novelty is informative

[–]VilnaGavone 3 points4 points ago

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âge (from Old French aage)

mûr (from meur)

[–]this_is_weird 2 points3 points ago

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According to this (in French), the only examples of a circumflex representing the disparition of a letter is for the consonnant S or for vowels.

There is ONE exception: dîme which was spelled "dixme" in 1762 and was changed to "dîme" in the following edition in 1798. It was, may God have mercy upon our soul for this, a silent X standing for pronouncing a long i.

[–]mortimasiv 1 point2 points ago

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Mmmm.

[–]Dominiking 1 point2 points ago

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I really thought this is where you were going with the explanation http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDqXbk_ThH0&feature=player_detailpage#t=79s

[–]redwall_hp 2 points3 points ago

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I always read it as "crap."

[–]NSFarmer 2 points3 points ago

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Just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning and they're just like pancakes, maybe even better.

[–]risemix 1 point2 points ago

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I wish I could subscribe to novelty accounts.

[–]CoolHeadedLogician 3 points4 points ago

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honest abe is honest

[–]H_E_Pennypacker 1 point2 points ago

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Of course he was honest. That's why he told his dad about how he chopped down the apple tree.

[–]cabr1to 100 points101 points ago

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He asked for box seats and instead got a Booth...

[–]drewba 38 points39 points ago

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Before he had time to use the bathroom, he got a visit from the John...

[–]Eryth 14 points15 points ago

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In Soviet Russia, john goes to you!

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

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He needed that like he needed a hole in the head.

[–]XshibumiX 22 points23 points ago

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agreed.. I had a good laugh at the obvious joke, then laughed again when I saw two stars. I'm thinking, "Wow, what the hell does it take to get Abe to rate something one star?"

[–]chokie_roberts 30 points31 points ago

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Well they didn't rape his corpse or anything, so there's that...

[–]Godisman 5 points6 points ago

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Tell him to take off his hat and he'll burn the place down.

[–]literroy 4 points5 points ago

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Other than the incident, I hear Mrs. Lincoln really enjoyed the play.

[–]Notmyrealname 4 points5 points ago

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And Jackie O had a really nice visit to Dallas, besides that incident in the car.

[–]Diablo_En_Musica 4 points5 points ago*

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They let him keep his hat on.

[–]tewlb0x 1 point2 points ago

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[–]daned 0 points1 point ago

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This is really the kind of thing they need half stars for.

[–]Golden_Kumquat 0 points1 point ago

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It's people like him who are ruining the rating system. Next thing you know theatre companies can impregnate the wife and they'll still get four stars!

[–]highspeedCU 0 points1 point ago

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not sure why you'd want Abe. He treated the Constitution like toilet paper.

[–]Notmyrealname 4 points5 points ago

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Well, the Constitution treated Black people even worse.

[–]arghnard 0 points1 point ago

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He was killed by a terrific actor.. Just sayin.

[–]samdman 0 points1 point ago

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the production of Our American Cousin was top notch at least.

[–]brambooo 90 points91 points ago

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Real people Real reviews!

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

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Nope. They're all just from 4chan.

[–]neoncp 3 points4 points ago

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One can be of both...

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Zeppelanoid 48 points49 points ago

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The warehouse down the street? Not so much.

[–]kyzf42 16 points17 points ago

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One of the ushers mistook me for a player and told me to break a leg, and I did!

[–]TKTorch 9 points10 points ago

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his user name would be Sic Semper Tyrannosaurus Rex.

[–]mustang30266 4 points5 points ago

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[–]DangerousDetlef 175 points176 points ago

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"Don't trust everything you see on the internet" - Abraham Lincoln

[–]Korpse 18 points19 points ago

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Dang. That's deep, man.

[–]NothingsShocking 1 point2 points ago

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crazy how they can get internet in hell now. or heaven, or i dunno, the Lost island with Hurley. wherever he is.

[–]haiku_robot 1 point2 points ago*

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"Don't trust everything 
you see on the internet"
 - Abraham Lincoln

[–][deleted] 52 points53 points ago

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GoodGuyAbe, gets murdered at theatre, still gives it 2 stars.

[–]rougegoat 8 points9 points ago

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well, the play was good, so the whole thing wasn't bad.

[–]FakeQuotes 43 points44 points ago*

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[–]neecrole 13 points14 points ago

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DON'T BREAK MY BUTT!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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OH HE'S BREAKIN' MY BUTT

[–]miked4o7 12 points13 points ago

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YOU FUCKED UP NOW

[–]ZombieDracula 6 points7 points ago

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YOU FUCKED UP NOW!

[–]miked4o7 6 points7 points ago

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NOW YOU HAVE FUCKED UP!

[–]unloader 1 point2 points ago

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YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW!

[–]Pylly 2 points3 points ago

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[–]holocarst 10 points11 points ago

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It's better with the bleeps: Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIII***T

[–]derby_girl2z19 11 points12 points ago

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He was held at gunpoint to give that second star.

[–]Surprise_Rap_Battle 6 points7 points ago

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Second star? This ain't mario kart, I'll toss a hook to ya jaw and crowbar ya car!

[–]fuckedupdreams 1 point2 points ago

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Ya can't crowbar my ride you don't got cream for the steel, so stupid you'd go for health insurance by jumping under the wheel.

[–]Surprise_Rap_Battle 1 point2 points ago

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on that free health insurance swag, I'll put you in a bodybag! Looks like it's time to shove a sword and sabre through another foreign hater of the states' northern neighbour

[–]fuckedupdreams 1 point2 points ago

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Oh no now SRP knows my home my dome is paranoid I'm scared by mister polaroid. Fine see what you can learn about me lesson 1 I'll burn you like an apache.

[–]Surprise_Rap_Battle 1 point2 points ago

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you say you're apache now is that dot or rotor? I'll fucking chop ya gills like cod in motors, outboard, coward, I'll rotate your face till yo neck is braced!

[–]fuckedupdreams 1 point2 points ago

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Smash your blades through to the bow, raise your paws I'll make you chow like Jaws. Faggy boat can't step to the great white north, I'll toss a snowball down your throat and freeze your ass in the moat.

[–]Surprise_Rap_Battle 1 point2 points ago

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You're a fucking pretender, you can't boast to rhyme, you're tossin snowballs while I'm toastin' nines, sure my responses are late but hey I'm busy, always on to the next one like Jay and Swizzy, truth be told you're not worth my speech, keep up the beef, I'll shatter teeth and you'll be overtaken, I said keep up the beef bitch you're waking Satan

[–]fuckedupdreams 1 point2 points ago

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If I'm the pretender what does that make you, losing on your first day, looks like your novelty's really one to throwaway, little cunt if you wanna be Satan then call me God, get the fuck back in your pit, cry like a wuss and eat the fertilizer I shit.

[–]gingerroute 16 points17 points ago

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Too soon...

[–]kingbinji 5 points6 points ago

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sooo fake. he NEVER signs as Abe

[–]nickbelane 7 points8 points ago

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Fun fact: He typically signed "A. Lincoln". So you are correct in being suspicious.

[–]shinyatsya 2 points3 points ago

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Also no one ever saw him use a computer so it seems unlikely that he would have.

Probably just one of his grand kids' practical jokes.

[–]kbuddha 4 points5 points ago*

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J.W. seemed to like it.. gave it rave reviews... See?!

[–]Veshy 47 points48 points ago

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This doesn't make any sense. Abe Lincoln was murdered over a hundred years ago, so how could he have posted this review?

[–]Notmyrealname 24 points25 points ago

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He had a really slow Internet connection.

[–]dizzymisslizzi[S] 57 points58 points ago

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God just gave him an iPad2.

[–]predvestnik 42 points43 points ago

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WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!

[–]DrunkPedophile 5 points6 points ago

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ABE LINCOLN WAS A ROBOT BUILT BY THE MOSSAD, FORT SUMTER WAS AN INSIDE JOB!!!!!!!!!!

[–]ranting_swede 2 points3 points ago

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Two stars, very generous of you Abe.

[–]qotsa13 4 points5 points ago

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I laugh so hard at the goofiest shit.

[–]m2309a3 2 points3 points ago

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Humble Abe: Says he was murdered when actually... he was ASSASSINATED!

[–]Stabone130 3 points4 points ago

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Kinda off topic, but if you have any interest in Lincoln's assassination + the 10 day (?) hunt for JWB, read "Manhunt" by James L. Swanson. One of the best books I've read on the subject. Its a thick book but easy to read quickly. It's pretty fascinating.

[–]adamsw216 4 points5 points ago

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Typical angry reviewer. Blames establishment for the behavior of random patron.

[–]barrows_arctic 2 points3 points ago

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Booth wasn't a patron. He was actually an employee of the theatre, and I think it was one of the theater owners who actually tipped him off that Lincoln would be in attendance that night, although I suppose there's no reason to believe that information sharing had malicious intent.

[–]DulceReport 2 points3 points ago

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2 stars? Abe must be a real miser with his one star ratings.

[–]mortimasiv 6 points7 points ago

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Sure, I got shot. But that waitress was quite the scrumptious little thing.

[–]centech 2 points3 points ago

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Online reviews are so random.. This guy loved it : http://www.yelp.com/biz/fords-theatre-washington#hrid:RDTc86ycgul4EQgAJlhamA

[–]disappear_here 2 points3 points ago

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Took a drink of my iced tea as I opened the link, ended up spewing iced tea all over my screen. Worth it. That shit is funny.

[–]mattsilv 5 points6 points ago*

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Good Guy Abe -- Gets murdered; writes unbiased review.

[–]tnicholson 15 points16 points ago

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Would've been better without the first sentence.

[–]Trollfailbot 24 points25 points ago

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I know I dont look at user names on websites like that, so the first sentence makes you look to see who posted it.

[–]blue-yoshi 7 points8 points ago

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Also, without it, I would have just assumed it was just someone's avatar and not actually supposed to be Lincoln.

[–]Tendog 5 points6 points ago

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The picture of Abe should sort of catch your eye though.

[–]Lunchables 10 points11 points ago

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I don't look at users' pictures on yelp...unless it's a hot girl of course.

[–]akatherder 5 points6 points ago

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I agree. They sacrificed a lot of humor in order to make sure more people got the joke. I might have missed the joke if I was scrolling through the webpage, but the people who did get it would find it that much funnier. I call this the "Arrested Development" effect.

[–]iliedtoyourface 1 point2 points ago

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is it true Abe lincoln played on both sides of the tracks....??

[–]dramattica 1 point2 points ago

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"Well, outside of the ending, what did you think of the play Mrs. Lincoln?"

[–]Baned0n 1 point2 points ago

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Too Soon!

[–]ERNIEbro 1 point2 points ago

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Too soon guys, let's be a little more sensitive to the family. Oh wait..

[–]CheekyMunky 1 point2 points ago

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Y'know, usually I prefer at least a tiny bit of subtlety... like simply "would not recommend" with Abe's picture.

But there's something about "was murdered here" that's cracking me up.

[–]bbrandon987 1 point2 points ago

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We're so sorry Mr. Lincoln, customer serivice is usually s strong point. We STRONGLY discourage our employees from shooting customers in the head.

[–]intensenerd 1 point2 points ago

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Ford's Theater reply: One president gets killed at our theater and we take the heat for it.

[–]infinitree 1 point2 points ago

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Xpost to r/RedditThroughHistory?

[–]m0nkeys0ck 1 point2 points ago

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Best Review ever.

[–]admdelta 1 point2 points ago

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Apparently it violated their TOS and they removed it. :(

[–]fearthewhale 1 point2 points ago

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Tosh.0 blog = most upvoted things on reddit.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]leon_zero 1 point2 points ago

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WKUK = upvote. Every time.

[–]infected_scab 1 point2 points ago

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But other than that, Mr. Lincoln, do you rate the venue?

[–]IrrelevantRepublican 1 point2 points ago

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And that's why I voted Republican..

[–]RealDollNipSlip 1 point2 points ago

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Oh Reddit, you have my laughing historically.

[–]highwindscloud 1 point2 points ago

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Trolling at its finest

[–]TheBigBomma 0 points1 point ago

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I would.

[–]retropackage 0 points1 point ago

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but he gave 2stars, not so bad I'd say

[–]Kadover 0 points1 point ago

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Definitely not a buy.

[–]bananafingers 0 points1 point ago

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Lincoln to so many pages on the Internet.

[–]munge_me_not 0 points1 point ago

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They should install rear view mirrors in all the seats.

[–]beefstick86 0 points1 point ago

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At least he gave it 2 stars. Could have been worse, I'm sure.

[–]fate3 0 points1 point ago

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now you fucked up now you fucked up

[–]IAMBollock 0 points1 point ago

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"Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties."

That man should be listened to.

[–]probably42 0 points1 point ago

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Hmm yes. Witty.

[–]vashtrgn6 0 points1 point ago

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wow that's messed up.

[–]Rackapulsare 0 points1 point ago

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Real people. Real reviews....

[–]Questica 0 points1 point ago

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Well, he gave it 2 stars... with my knowledge that death sucks... something must have been good!

[–]phil_watz 0 points1 point ago

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"'... We already bought the tickets. - Abraham Lincoln' - Mike Birbiglia"

[–]Empo 0 points1 point ago

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Well, at least he was honest.

[–]drlexasia 0 points1 point ago

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Nerd here- although Lincoln was indeed assassinated at Ford's Theatre, the site today is a reconstruction. The original Ford's Theatre collapsed in 1893 after a stage failure or something. It was reopened in the 1960's.

[–]taco69 0 points1 point ago

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The blood effects at that show were unrealistic

[–]CuttzNoseBest 0 points1 point ago

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And he still gave it 2 stars!

[–]bdsp 0 points1 point ago

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Way too soon.

[–]Darkives 0 points1 point ago

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Two Stars for the great seats though...

[–]Introspectiveasfuck 0 points1 point ago

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Too soon

[–]zdavid 0 points1 point ago

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Meet man in theatre. Man put bullet in head. No number for Jakucha. Would not recommend.

[–]TooStupidForInternet 0 points1 point ago

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Awesome

[–]metrock 0 points1 point ago*

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History says that Lincoln died across the street at the Petersen House. But Conan O'Brien proves that false.

[–]Hector_Kur 0 points1 point ago

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What kills me is that he didn't give it one star.

[–]HeyyZeus 0 points1 point ago

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Zombie Abe, WHY U NO RUN FOR PREZ? ლಠ益ಠლ

[–]TheRealFrankBooth 0 points1 point ago

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FUCK!!!!!!

[–]quasarj 0 points1 point ago

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Where is Relevant_XKCD when you need him?

http://xkcd.com/325/

[–]Gentlemanpirate 0 points1 point ago

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One little incident and you trash the place like that? Wow, what a douche. ಠ_ಠ

[–]walter_sobchak1 0 points1 point ago

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Would have been much funnier if it just said "Would not recommend."

[–]EntropicDecay 0 points1 point ago

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This is officially my favorite picture of the day. Thank you.

[–]BrokenShards 0 points1 point ago

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I burst out laughing out loud in line. I'm getting weird looks.

[–]tatjr13 0 points1 point ago

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Yet, he still gave it two stars

[–]kawaiipiranha 0 points1 point ago

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Like most things he did, Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking.

[–]KingGirardeau 0 points1 point ago

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Can't get anymore real than that!

[–]GeorgePukas 0 points1 point ago

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I'm fucking SICK of these shitheads not being honest on the intarwebz! Don't give it a shit review and then bump up the star rating by giving it more than it deserves. I'm looking for honesty when I read a review here people. If I wanted to be shot I'd go to West Philly.

[–]AccordingIy 0 points1 point ago

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He was shot in the the Theater, but was carried out next door where he eventually died after a few hours.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I saw the guy who did this doing standup at an event last night. He says they keep getting taken down. :(

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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is it funny that he still put 2 out of 5?

[–]Auzwald 0 points1 point ago

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But the performances are to die for!

[–]IAmADudeAMA 0 points1 point ago

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Be sure to skip the table...

puts on sunglasses

and get a Booth.

[–]VintageRudy 0 points1 point ago

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I wanna know how many "Funny" upvotes it got before being pulled

[–]Gamarjoba 0 points1 point ago

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Zero star

[–]BOBROHRMAN 0 points1 point ago

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thats my big sis

[–]SCHelmick 0 points1 point ago

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Actually the plays here are typically mind blowing...

[–]VintageRudy 0 points1 point ago

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I wanna know how many "Funny" upvotes it got before being pulled

[–]AndrewMayer 1 point2 points ago

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My account hasn't fully recognized that it's been pulled yet, so it still has it up with 22 "Funny" votes. Lincoln Memorial review is still going strong, though...

[–]AndrewMayer 1 point2 points ago

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Check that. Looks like it's restored. Abe Lincoln will not be censored!

[–]rainysquirel 0 points1 point ago

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I liek weinorz in my butt.

[–]Africa4Afrikkans 0 points1 point ago

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Abraham Lincoln was the most greatest president of ever the USA.

He could not post this because dead mans cannot type.

[–]yayforfreethings 0 points1 point ago

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I was playing Apples to Apples with my family a while ago and the word was Successful. I put John Wilkes Booth. Won that round! :)

[–]Incalite 0 points1 point ago

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[–]blobber109 0 points1 point ago

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I love it how they say at the top; "Real people..." Somehow I doubt that very much…

[–]xqx2100 0 points1 point ago

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Still gives 2 stars haha.

[–]leetyourmakeup 0 points1 point ago

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First thing to actually make me LOL today. Thanks honest Abe!

[–]paperskunk 0 points1 point ago

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Since when was anyone afraid of a little rain?

[–]JWilkesBooth 0 points1 point ago

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It's really not so bad. Abe is just being a douche.

[–]CR00KS 0 points1 point ago

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Posted just this month, I bet that's OP's account and he waited to trick us. Scumbag.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Abe Lincoln: greatest president. Harshest theater critic.

[–]FrostyFedora 0 points1 point ago

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I laughed but then I felt bad.