Please allow me to explain.

Streetlamp LeMoose was on his regular old Sunday birthday suit nature walk when he came across a band of sleeping piglings. Lil'Bacon, however, was still awake, and spotted Streetlamp peering through the bushes. Streetlamp fled, presumably to masturbate.

Lil'Bacon woke the others up, and said, "Oh me, oh my, oh my chops and flanks! I have seen a terrible, terrible monster. It was tall as a mountain, its tongue was cleft in two, and it had wild, flaming eyes!"

"Now, now, my little headcheese," said the father, "That's only Streetlamp LeMoose; he strides through the forest every quarter-moon, presumably to masturbate. The paleskin may be a tad taller than I, but I can easily make myself quite as girthy."

"Sooth?" cried little Hamlet. "How so?"

"So see you all," said the father, and huffed, and swelled, and huffed, and swelled, and huffed, and swelled.

"But father," cried Lil'Bacon, "He was much bigger than that!"

So the father blew himself out, and blew himself out, and blew himself out.

"But father," cried Lil'Bacon, "He was ever so much larger!"

So the father took a deep breath, and another deep breath, and another deep breath, and said, "I know the paleskin is not as big as -" and at that moment, he burst. The other piglets immediately committed ritualistic suicide, taking care to perfectly replicate the methods of their father's death, as is common in pigling culture.

Streetlamp LeMoose, hearing strange noises of heaves, pops, and splats from the glades he had come from, hurriedly returned. He found a mess of entrails, piglings burst in halves and quarters and hindquarters. He said, "How exciting, these entrails are so near my own!" He bent over, picked up some of the guts, and carried them into the thickets, presumably to masturbate.

"Hidey-ho!" Friend Tortoise yelled, catching Streetlamp, hand in trou, unawares. Now, Streetlamp was no fool, and he knew well that what hath been seen cannot be unseen.

His cautious leer melted into a thin smile, and he boomed, "Present yourself!"

"I am Friend Tortoise, and I am hunting in the forest with Cousin Panda." But Friend Tortoise was no fool either, and saw the malice sweep across Streetlamp's face, and sensed imminent danger.

"Say," Friend Tortoise whispered sideways, "Let's you and I make an arrangement. Let me pass unharmed, and I pledge that I will aid you in the capture of Cousin Panda. I have seen you with your entrails, and know your sentiments deeply. No doubt you will soon need fresh entrails to remain a happy man, and Cousin Panda is docile and lazy, and always smells of shoots and leeks."

Streetlamp gave a small nod, and Friend Tortoise lumbered off to Cousin Panda.

"Cousin Panda," he yelled cheerily, "I have found our hunting prospects! May we go verily!"

Cousin Panda opened his mouth to reply, but unfortunately does not have a speaking part in our story.

Friend Turtle knew that if he led Cousin Panda out the forest, across the road, and to the sandbox, the poor bear would be in a helpless dream-state of snuggles, rolling around, nestling up against thick bushes, making purring noises, and presumably, masturbating.

After having left Cousin Panda to his infantilism, he crossed back into the forest to fetch Streetlamp.

"He is there," murmured Friend Turtle, "there, by the bushes. Come, I will take you."

And as they crossed the street, Streetlamp LeMoose leapt upon the turtle.

"YOU HAVE SEEN TOO MUCH," he thundered. Poor Friend Turtle, having sacrificed the friendship and protection of his bear, could do nothing as Streetlamp grabbed hold of his jaws, torqued his neck sharply, and ripped the turtle's head clean off. The panda was easy pickings afterwards, and Streetlamp LeMoose opened him and took his entrails, presumably to masturbate.

*TL;DR A cat has a man as a pet, exposing the horrible double standards surrounding sadistic mutilation while still being able to remain adorable. Isn't our society so fucked up, /r/feminism? *