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2205
2206

2am Chili (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by tylercap

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[–]KTrout17 502 points503 points ago

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At 2AM I wrap a piece of cheese around a piece of meat and call it a sandwich. I also recycle.

[–][deleted] 57 points58 points ago

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At 2am I have lost my pants, but it doesn't matter because I am face down on the kitchen floor passed out.

[–]thenoodl 11 points12 points ago

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At 2 AM I am asleep. God what a boring life.

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    [–]BreSput 100 points101 points ago

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    DUDE. The fuck. Brown the beef in the chili pot before adding other ingredients (that way the fat/beef juices all get in the chili). Likewise, saute the veggies if you must in that pot as well and then add other ingredients in following that. SON!

    BONUS: Fewer dirty dishes.

    [–]andyjonesx 1218 points1219 points ago

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    2am Chili. Start at 7pm.

    [–]jglee1236 258 points259 points ago

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    I was going to say, 2am chili; ready for lunch that following day.

    [–]chili_cheese_dog 137 points138 points ago

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    You still can.

    [–]jglee1236 118 points119 points ago

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    I guess I just did.

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        [–][deleted] ago

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        [deleted]

        [–][deleted] 41 points42 points ago

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        Thank you for not making another post. Upvote.

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          [–]digitalchris 793 points794 points ago

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          I like how you throw out the McCormick seasoning packet... then rebuild the McCormick seasoning packet, using the exact same McCormick spices.

          [–]Bitter_Idealist 321 points322 points ago

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          "We're doing this LIVE...." with the same stale dried-out spices instead of actual live chili peppers.

          [–]MaoThatHurt 68 points69 points ago

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          You know, getting chili peppers and preparing them isn't always possible. Sometimes you have to work with what you g-...oh right.

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            [–]djepik 173 points174 points ago

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            At 10 times the cost!

            [–]Creepybusguy 171 points172 points ago

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            Ten times the intial cost. You're not using all the spices up. Not even close. With all those spices you'll be able to make probably ten more packets. Not to mention all the other delicious things that are possible with those spices.

            And you can tweak things to your taste. Too much basil for your liking? BAM! removed... Try doing that with a packet.

            [–]joevaded 119 points120 points ago

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            10x initial cost = 10 uses 10/10=1 wtfmath

            [–]Creepybusguy 32 points33 points ago

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            It's more useful for all the other delicious shit you can make aside from chili. (And all numbers are estimates. Very, Vague Estimates. But the end result is that you save much more money by not buying the packet in the long run.)

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                  [–]KungFuHamster 66 points67 points ago

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                  If you cook and you don't have all of these spices already, you fail.

                  [–]steve_b 56 points57 points ago

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                  I think it's pretty clear these instructions are for those people who don't cook. With that in mind, the packet of pre-mixed spices is probably the right thing, since all those little jars of separate spices are going to sit, unused, on their shelf until they go bad.

                  [–]meowmix4jo 11 points12 points ago

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                  Then he goes on to use canned ingredients for everything else after making a big deal about not using the pre-made seasoning. The tomato sauce is the only thing that requires you to do anything harder than 'boil this shit'. It will taste better too. Except for the corn. For some reason fresh corn and canned tastes the same to me.

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                    [–][deleted] 197 points198 points ago

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                    I recently moved down south and this southern guy comes up to me. This is the conversation we had...

                    "Do you take beans in your chili, boy?"

                    "Uhm... I guess."

                    "Only yankees take beans in their chili."

                    "Thank... you?"

                    True story.

                    [–]WasabiBomb 87 points88 points ago

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                    I grew up in Texas, yet somehow I like beans in my chili. Makes it more of a meal, yaknow?

                    However, whenever I compete in a chili cookoff, I leave the beans out. I know my audience.

                    [–]drphungky 45 points46 points ago

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                    Also... the rules, since beans are illegal in competition chili. Freestyle or die!

                    [–]wildo421 20 points21 points ago

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                    Chili without beans? I can deal. Just don't be like those Cincinnati bastards and put cinnamon in your chili, wtf is that?

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                      [–]sidepart[!] 55 points56 points ago

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                      I was raised in Arizona. I thought that beans were a necessary part of chili for it to be CALLED chili. Otherwise I thought it would just be meaty slop. Not that meaty slop is bad.

                      [–]Scubetrolis 8 points9 points ago

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                      I'm from Arizona too...been reading through these comments like WTF? I have never had chili without beans..now I'm confused

                      [–]theupmost 4 points5 points ago

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                      I too grew up in Arizona. Chili had beans. Except green chili. yum.

                      [–]sprint_ska 4 points5 points ago

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                      Same here. Pretty sure all the real men in AZ eat our chili with beans. Also large quantities of capsaicin in various forms.

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                        [–]BucketsMcGaughey 29 points30 points ago

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                        Ignorant Brit here. Shouldn't the meat really be a bit of a sideshow to the beans, which are providing the bulk of the meal at a low cost relative to the meat?

                        [–]ArecBardwin 28 points29 points ago

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                        Meat is the main point of chili. Beans are a cheap way to extend the meal. Remember, chili is from Texas, land of cattle. There is no shortage of beef here. Beans were added in other places where beef was not nearly so cheap.

                        [–]Shaggyfort1e 13 points14 points ago

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                        Chili is actually a shortened name for chili con carne or "Chilis with meat" which was originally just a chili pepper sauce and meat. Beans were added to bulk it up at a lower cost.

                        [–]jarofpiss 8 points9 points ago

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                        You'd be correct if you were making a stew/soup and not chili.

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                          [–]NiteLite 18 points19 points ago

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                          I tried to make chili with beans the first time... tried Texas-style, without beans, the second time and never looked back at those beans again ...

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                            [–]purzzzell 1027 points1028 points ago

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                            I missed the part where I freeze it, throw it in the cooler with the beer, and rub it on my tongue after playing sports with friends while they're all hungry an don't have anything to eat.

                            [–]QAOP_Space 123 points124 points ago

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                            chilli popscicle.... that could work.

                            [–]LLFoolJ 38 points39 points ago

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                            And then go play non-specific sports!

                            [–]Vitalstatistix 59 points60 points ago

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                            Iced chili shower.

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                              [–]fatthumbs 1431 points1432 points ago

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                              that seems like way too much effort for an 2am dish

                              [–]DrDraxium 344 points345 points ago

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                              I think the idea is to do it hours beforehand so you mother fuckers can eat a ton of sweet shit when 2am comes around.

                              [–]TeddiRevolution 164 points165 points ago

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                              Why wouldn't I eat it before 2am then?

                              [–]orionscodpiece 1095 points1096 points ago

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                              Because it's 2am chili, not whenever the fuck you want chili.

                              [–]itsprobablytrue 267 points268 points ago

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                              I dont know, this all sounds like some plan to fuck someones toilet up

                              [–]yellekc 129 points130 points ago

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                              Challenge accepted

                              [–]IPoopedMyPants 207 points208 points ago

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                              FAILURE!!! FAILURE!!! ABORT MISSION!!!

                              [–][deleted] 27 points28 points ago

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                              Even though I knew this was coming I still laughed my ass off.

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                                        [–]owarren 685 points686 points ago

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                                        If this is how you eat at 2am there's something fucking wrong with you. Go get some soft drinks and oven pizza. Thats how you eat at 2am. I dont stay up late so I can spend an hour cooking. I gots gamin to do.

                                        [–]Spocktease 231 points232 points ago

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                                        soft drinks and oven pizza

                                        Beer and microwave chicken fried steak.

                                        [–]Iputitbluntly 188 points189 points ago

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                                        Motor oil and pan seared tires.

                                        [–]Proxx99 141 points142 points ago

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                                        BLOOD AND BLOOD.

                                        [–]Serviet 26 points27 points ago

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                                        With a side of THUNDER

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                                            [–]isleshocky 67 points68 points ago

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                                            Egg sandwiches.

                                            [–]top_counter 9 points10 points ago

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                                            That is exactly the effort to deliciousness ratio I want at 2 AM. So good.

                                            [–]AceLarkin 29 points30 points ago

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                                            Recently had an egg sandwich for the first time. Blew my mind.

                                            [–]EagleFalconn 49 points50 points ago

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                                            You have lived a sad and empty life. Welcome to the glories of heaven.

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                                                [–]farceur318 50 points51 points ago*

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                                                Beer and microwave chicken fried steak.

                                                Malt liquor and fistfulls of store-brand Mexican Blend shredded cheese.

                                                [–]down_vote_magnet 95 points96 points ago

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                                                Chicken fried steak? So you fry your steak in chicken, then microwave it? Sweet mother of-

                                                [–]Cryptic0677 77 points78 points ago

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                                                TIL there are people who don't know what chicken fried steak is.

                                                [–]prof_hobart 8 points9 points ago

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                                                Maybe he's not American. I'm British and had never come across it until I moved to Texas.

                                                This, along with biscuits and gravy (both biscuits and gravy are very different in the UK, and would make a very strange dish if put together), were brand new culinary delights whilst I lived there.

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                                                  [–]Spocktease 96 points97 points ago

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                                                  No, it's a breaded beef steak smothered in white gravy, usually served with eggs and hash browns but also eaten as a dinner course.

                                                  [–]SpikeWolfwood 35 points36 points ago

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                                                  And now I'm hungry...

                                                  [–][deleted] 123 points124 points ago

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                                                  You god damned Americans aren't going to stop until you make the food equivalent of the Tower of Babel, are you? I'm Scottish for Christ sake's - we're the fattest nation in Europe and we still look at you guys and say:

                                                  "Are you fucking kidding me!?"

                                                  [–]Spocktease 21 points22 points ago

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                                                  Have you heard about our new deep fried butter? It's to die for.

                                                  [–]Bowlercap 14 points15 points ago*

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                                                  You know that makes an excellent additional topping in the XXL Double Down Grilled Stuft Crust Supreme Burrizzo.
                                                  (Only found at participating Kentucky Fried Pizza Bells)

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                                                          [–]3brushie 14 points15 points ago

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                                                          Ah, the telltale signs of the experienced antigourmand.

                                                          [–]Spocktease 8 points9 points ago

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                                                          It's the Marie Calendar's meal. They have new sides now!

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                                                            [–]Olukon 14 points15 points ago

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                                                            Sunflower Seeds and water. It's all you need...

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                                                              [–]crazypnut 88 points89 points ago*

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                                                              A good chili needs time to gestate. My recipe takes a full 24 hours before you should even eat the thing. The flavors need more time to congeal.

                                                              EDIT: Since so many of you asked, here: About 5 pounds of meat, 7 different varieties of pepper and a blend of good spices (it's a family secret recipe, that's all you're getting). Cooked in a stock pot, never added any juices or broth... it's all natural grease and veggie drippings. Transferred to a slow cooker. Then let simmer forever. Put in fridge for about a 24 hours. EAT.

                                                              If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some serious shit.

                                                              [–]Huntah 388 points389 points ago

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                                                              Mine takes a week before you can even look at it.

                                                              [–]lordbathos 378 points379 points ago

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                                                              I wait a month before I even start making it.

                                                              [–]V3rtigo 157 points158 points ago

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                                                              I've been waiting the entire growing season for some goddamn vegetables.

                                                              [–]jontelang 227 points228 points ago

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                                                              I am putting money into an account so that my children can make mine in 10 years

                                                              [–]NoNeedForAName 182 points183 points ago

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                                                              I'm still trying to create the universe.

                                                              [–]cynognathus 44 points45 points ago

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                                                              That's for apple pies. I think chili requires you to create a multiverse.

                                                              [–]crazypnut 79 points80 points ago

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                                                              I love all of you.

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                                                                  [–]busted_up_chiffarobe 30 points31 points ago

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                                                                  "Habaneros, Y U no grow faster?"

                                                                  Every morning.

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                                                                    [–]oodja 27 points28 points ago

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                                                                    Hipster chili!

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                                                                      [–]theloniouspunk 106 points107 points ago

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                                                                      I never understood 'family secret' ingredients. Unless you're gonna sell that shit to Betty Crocker, why not share with the world a recipe that has made people happy.

                                                                      [–]TheMediumPanda 70 points71 points ago

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                                                                      It's America. Everyone thinks their "special" family recipe for chilli/BBQ sauce/Hamburgers/Insert US food is the BEST and might make them rich someday. "If only the World knew!"

                                                                      [–]pyrotechie83 83 points84 points ago

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                                                                      I found my grandmother's "secret family recipe" for gravy in "The Joy Of Cooking." It's lies... all lies...

                                                                      [–]nosoupforyou 36 points37 points ago

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                                                                      My sister told me about how some cookbook company had a cooking contest. People would send it recipes and the best one would win and get added to the book.

                                                                      It turned out that the one that won was originally from the same cookbook. Not deliberate fraud, but merely grandma got it from the cookbook, passed it down to her grandkids, and the grandkids entered it in the contest.

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                                                                        [–]brodyqat 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                        Everyone thinks their "special" family recipe for chilli/BBQ sauce/Hamburgers/Insert US food is the BEST and might make them rich someday.

                                                                        And they all contain fucking ketchup or something, too.

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                                                                          [–]bw1870 17 points18 points ago

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                                                                          Family secret recipes are there to create a sense of something special about the recipe. It's something to bullshit about within the family, nothing more than that really. I don't think anyone really believes they'll get rich off of it.

                                                                          [–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                          It fits in with the chili circlejerk theme going on here. Everyone knows how to do it better then everyone else. I'm sure his "family secret" is some slight variation that a million other people use.

                                                                          People need to relax. I've never had homemade chili I didn't like.

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                                                                            [–]codewench 25 points26 points ago

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                                                                            This is why slow cookers are gods gift to men. Put that shit in a slow cooker, keep it warm for friggin days. All the drunken noms you could ever want.

                                                                            Also, you can use that fucker for corned beef and cabbage.

                                                                            [–]Limond 30 points31 points ago

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                                                                            I read that as all the drunken moms you could ever want

                                                                            [–]HopeImNotAStalker 3 points4 points ago

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                                                                            I gotta get me a slow cooker...

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                                                                              [–]SunbathingJackdaw 3 points4 points ago

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                                                                              Now, I'm Texan, but I still feel like a proper chili that you're going to eat as a meal ought to have beans in it. Heirloom beans if you want, get as hipster as you please with 'em. But if the chili is the main course and not a side, it needs them fuckin' beans.

                                                                              [–]redjello 31 points32 points ago

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                                                                              that looks disgusting

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                                                                                  [–]NeckTop 360 points361 points ago

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                                                                                  Garlic powder? Chili powder? If you're gonna make a big deal about throwing that chili seasoning mix away, at least use real ingredients instead! You just used the same stuff, only separated!

                                                                                  [–][deleted] ago

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                                                                                  [deleted]

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                                                                                    [–][deleted] 219 points220 points ago

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                                                                                    Nice try McCormick viral marketing department.

                                                                                    [–]lonejeeper 61 points62 points ago

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                                                                                    Uh. McCormick also makes the packets. So, he's throwing away the same spices he then cooks with.

                                                                                    [–]HPLovemuffin 46 points47 points ago

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                                                                                    So instead of buying just the one pack of mixed spices, he's bought one two three four five bottles of individual spices.

                                                                                    [–]lonejeeper 52 points53 points ago

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                                                                                    No, he bought all of it, so he could throw the packet away.

                                                                                    [–]HPLovemuffin 31 points32 points ago

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                                                                                    So McCormick cleans up at the cash register.

                                                                                    [–]shinyatsya 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                    They know a certain percentage will say fuck ot and go the lazy route to get the package anyway.

                                                                                    They're just covering all their bases.

                                                                                    [–]shadowguise 9 points10 points ago

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                                                                                    The next step is to make empty spice packets so that all you're buying (and throwing away) is trapped air. Of course the new special "blend" will cost more.

                                                                                    BRB, investing life savings in McCormick.

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                                                                                      [–]mcnaughtier 17 points18 points ago

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                                                                                      I don't understand why he throws away the packet, which is just a combination of other spices, then uses chili powder, which is .... a combination of other spices. Throw that shit away too. And the corn.

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                                                                                          [–]SalizarMarxx 102 points103 points ago

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                                                                                          Who the FUCK puts green beans in chili. Are you kidding me?!?!? And Corn~! Wheres are the Jalapenos, the habaneros?

                                                                                          [–][deleted] 46 points47 points ago

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                                                                                          I honestly think this one of worst chili ive seen

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                                                                                            [–][deleted] 79 points80 points ago

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                                                                                            Green beans? Your chili is invalid.

                                                                                            EDIT: BUT THIS SOUP RECIPE IS GD DELICIOUS

                                                                                            [–]eyejayvd 369 points370 points ago

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                                                                                            You sir, need a recycle bin.

                                                                                            [–][deleted] 192 points193 points ago

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                                                                                            Seriously. Who just throws metal cans in the garbage?

                                                                                            [–]funkgerm 146 points147 points ago

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                                                                                            Drunk people making chili at 2am.

                                                                                            [–]banana_fingers 34 points35 points ago

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                                                                                            I live in Germany, I have to clean my garbage before I can throw it away =(

                                                                                            [–]CAINE36 19 points20 points ago

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                                                                                            what?

                                                                                            [–]KashmirKnitter 8 points9 points ago

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                                                                                            I want to live in Germany.

                                                                                            [–]Rentun 7 points8 points ago

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                                                                                            You like cleaning garbage?

                                                                                            [–]KashmirKnitter 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                            I tend to clean off things before putting them in the waste or recycle bins, if my neighbors also did that there would be a lot less bug problems around here.

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                                                                                              [–]tocadisco 112 points113 points ago

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                                                                                              I do.

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                                                                                                [–]tylercap[S] 107 points108 points ago

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                                                                                                I assure you, I do have a recycle bin. And those cans got put there when I woke up.

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                                                                                                  [–]mervynskidmore 137 points138 points ago

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                                                                                                  Almost the same as my recipe but you could have saved a bit of a clean up. I make it all in one pot. First saute your chopped onion, garlic and pepper. Then you add in the seasoning (just spoon it in one at a time) and cook for a min or two until it smells fucking amazing. Then throw in your lean steak mince (if you have to drain your beef then it's not the right type!). Next add all the cans of tomatoes, beans etc. I add dark chocolate instead of sugar at the end and voila. Massive pot of chili and little or no clean up.

                                                                                                  [–]floede 53 points54 points ago

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                                                                                                  Yeah I was gonna say the same - no reason at ALL to mix up the seasoning first.

                                                                                                  [–]r00kie 21 points22 points ago

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                                                                                                  it does help prevent any errors when adding the spices, which is a stage that I'm usually pretty drunk by.

                                                                                                  [–]OptimusPrimeTime 8 points9 points ago

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                                                                                                  You can't make errors when adding spices to chili. It always needs more chili powder. I usually add a good amount every time I stir it.

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                                                                                                      [–]WasabiBomb 30 points31 points ago

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                                                                                                      Yeah, I'm a big fan of chocolate in my chili as well. I also add in bacon and orange zest. Then I crockpot it for 24 hours.

                                                                                                      I won the office chili cookoff a few months ago with my recipe.

                                                                                                      Damn, now I need to go make some chili.

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                                                                                                        [–]ParannoyeDreamer 333 points334 points ago

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                                                                                                        "Shake it" dance?

                                                                                                        Was that 'Just in time' by Nina Simone?

                                                                                                        A stick figure drawn over your Fallout screen?

                                                                                                        This man pays attention to the little important details. That was aesthetically delicious.

                                                                                                        [–]FOR_SClENCE 13 points14 points ago

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                                                                                                        Link for the lazy. Nina Simone's Just in Time (Live).

                                                                                                        [–]extra_strong_teabag 71 points72 points ago

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                                                                                                        Who else is inspired to cook and eat their own food like right now?

                                                                                                        [–]phormality 180 points181 points ago

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                                                                                                        I was, but then reality set in and it passed.

                                                                                                        [–]PriestmanX 46 points47 points ago

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                                                                                                        Yeah I just cracked open another mt dew and opened a few more tabs.

                                                                                                        [–]dschneider 69 points70 points ago

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                                                                                                        Why are you opening another Mountain Dew if you have all those Tabs to drink!

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                                                                                                              [–]oheythatguy 240 points241 points ago

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                                                                                                              wont use seasoning packet, but garlic powder, fuck yeah pour it on there. get the weak shit off my track nugga

                                                                                                              [–]wurtis16 234 points235 points ago

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                                                                                                              Scumbag hipster cook throws away seasoning packet because it's processed... uses powdered/canned everything.

                                                                                                              [–][deleted] ago*

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                                                                                                              [deleted]

                                                                                                              [–]M_Binks 22 points23 points ago

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                                                                                                              The secret I've found in Ontario (Canada? North America?) is the bulk food store (yes, they sell more than candy).

                                                                                                              Inevitably the recipe needs 1 teaspoon of dried unicorn horn; and the local supermarket only sells it in 50 pound bags. A quick trip out to Bulk Barn and you can pick up exactly what you need, and for not much money.

                                                                                                              [–][deleted] 34 points35 points ago

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                                                                                                              Find out where Indians shop, and you will find the cheapest and best spices in the city.

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                                                                                                                [–]bazfoo 29 points30 points ago

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                                                                                                                While the up front cost of those seasonings probably is pretty awful, but the number of cheap awesome variety of meals you can make from them is way better than buying a packet of pre-mixed spices for every meal. And then you replace the ones you need to as they run out. But first time buying is always awful. Definitely give you that.

                                                                                                                [–]unwind-protect 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                                                Also, look out for ethnic shops and the ethnic section in your supermarket.

                                                                                                                Little 10g pot of cumin in the spice aisle: £1.

                                                                                                                500g bag of cumin in the Indian section: £5

                                                                                                                And chilli that doesn't use at least a whole one of those pots just isn't going to cut it.

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                                                                                                                      [–]LiamNeesonAteMyBaby 239 points240 points ago*

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                                                                                                                      Fresh garlic, fresh red chillies, fresh yellow chillies, fresh green chillies, black beans etc etc.

                                                                                                                      This chilli is for little girly men who can't cook, so I guess the picture is informative. For them.

                                                                                                                      edit: Also I appreciate the OP's effort - which sounds condescending but I don't mean it to be. This got my upvote for original content and style at the very least. Also, chilli rules and should be spread.

                                                                                                                      [–]arkanus 66 points67 points ago

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                                                                                                                      Real men start with a live cow.

                                                                                                                      [–]TheLoveKraken 41 points42 points ago

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                                                                                                                      Excuse me, I think you'll find that real men start with a live cow and a live bull and create more live cows first.

                                                                                                                      [–]I_promised_myself 37 points38 points ago

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                                                                                                                      Real women start with a live, and handsome, bull, get knocked up by the bull, give birth, and make motherfucking minotaur chili.

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                                                                                                                          [–]justforlawlsies 59 points60 points ago

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                                                                                                                          Word. I was surprised at the lack of heat.

                                                                                                                          [–]Thud 19 points20 points ago

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                                                                                                                          Yah. Needs red pepper, and for that smoky heaty goodness, get a can of chipotle peppers. Chop 'em up and add them to the pot, along with the adobo sauce that's in the can. That will heat things up (not overbearingly) while adding a metric fuckton of flavor.

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                                                                                                                            [–][deleted] 142 points143 points ago*

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                                                                                                                            Sauteeing the vegetables before you throw them into the pot to cook for a few hours is pretty redundant.

                                                                                                                            Also, using canned goods for your chili and using 1.5 pounds of the same type of meat? For shame. Knock off a pound of the red meat, replace it with a half pound of sweet ground sausage and a half pound of bacon and you're good to go.

                                                                                                                            Cooking oil in a chili? Wrong.

                                                                                                                            Also where's the honey and more importantly, where's the CHILIES!?

                                                                                                                            EDIT:

                                                                                                                            A few people have asked me for my recipe. Disclaimer: this is a work in progress. I've been making chili for about a year now almost every weekend and tweak it almost every time. My ideal flavor is the Sweet and Spicy Chili Doritos, although I'm not there yet haha.

                                                                                                                            RECIPE

                                                                                                                            Sure. I've been making chili in sizable batches using a crockpot for awhile now (over a year) almost every other weekend. This past attempt was my favorite yet. I don't know exact measurements on a lot of things, so you're going to have to sort of guesstimate to what you think will work.

                                                                                                                            Standard in all of my chili: green peppers, onions and garlic. (EDIT: I use half green half red peppers when the reds are on sale. They're a bit sweeter so change the flavor a little.) Someone people in the thread are saying sautee them first but I usually never do. It might be worth it but I doubt you'll taste a difference, especially if you're eating it hot. (EDIT: I usually burn my mouth well before it's done cooking when I can't resist tasting it around hour 3. The aroma fills my house and I just gotta have it. Letting it cook the full time is incredibly difficult but the pay off is worth it.)

                                                                                                                            I use about 1 - 1.5 pounds of meat on average and so I'll use about 2 peppers and a whole onion and about two cloves of garlic. I'd use more peppers and onions but my pot isn't big enough.

                                                                                                                            Chop of the peppers as finely as you'd like. I personally prefer about the size of your thumbnail. Onions I prefer to chop very small. I also chop the garlic up a bit. Throw that into the pot.

                                                                                                                            Add your honey on top of this. I have no idea how much I use, but I tend to use enough that I can see it glistening on the bottom. You'll want to keep in mind that honey itself isn't really THAT sweet, so don't use too much. I then throw in a good amount (maybe a few tablespoons) of brown sugar. This past weekend I threw in some maple syrup (a little, about a tablespoon I'd guess) because I wanted it sweet. I have no idea if it helped.

                                                                                                                            Next, I brown the meat. I used 90% lean ground beef, about 4 sausage links that I cut out of the casings and about 4 strips of bacon cut into small pieces. I cooked the ground beef and sausage through and the bacon I let get slightly crispy, but not as crispy as I would if I were cooking it for breakfast. I seasoned all of this with chili powder, cumin and salt. I sparingly used the seasoning because I'll be adding more later to the sauce.

                                                                                                                            I guess if you want to sautee your onions and whatnot, the bacon fat left over would be good for that. The meat shouldn't have too much to drain if it's lean enough but the bacon will definitely leave some behind. I, however, use turkey bacon so I didn't have that option.

                                                                                                                            I throw that into the pot.

                                                                                                                            Now, my favorite part. I use two types of beans in my chili (the same kind we used when I worked at wendy's). One can of kidney and one can of red. Depending on what type of chili you're making (mexican chili will use black beans and corn, for example), you might use a different bean(s). I prefer these beans for this recipe, however.

                                                                                                                            You're going to need between 24-36oz of tomato sauce, depending on how thick you want it. I prefer medium chili while my girlfriend loves it chunky, so I go with about 24-30oz, depending on what I have in stock. Throw the beans in, pour this on top. Next, the rest of your seasoning. Into the pot I now pour some lemon juice, some lime juice (I have a feeling this might be part of the reason why this came out so well this time), cumin, salt, pepper, red pepper flakes for a little heat (use these sparingly, they pack a punch), chili powder, paprika and a dash of cinnamon.

                                                                                                                            I have put some beer into the chili before but I didn't enjoy that batch so I can't say I recommend it hah.

                                                                                                                            My recipe usually makes about 5 quarts of chili. I have no idea what that is is Imperial measurements so I have no shot at telling you what it is in metric. It's about enough for 10 servings with my ladle, enough for dinner + a few lunches during the week.

                                                                                                                            I cook this on a low setting for about 6 hours. I stir often, about every 30 minutes. If you let it sit too long without stirring the meat might burn along the edges of the pot and it WILL affect the taste of the chili. Anymore than an hour might be pushing it.

                                                                                                                            You'll know it's done when a few things happen: the sauce goes from red to brown. Also, the vegetables will almost be translucent and there will be smushed beans all over. The top may be boiling a bit, although if you stir as often as I do it won't until the very end.

                                                                                                                            I think that's about it. Go with sweet sausage if you want a sweeter taste. You can throw in some hot peppers (chilies, jalapenos, habaneros) etc. if you'd like, however I don't because my girlfriend doesn't enjoy them. I avoid using hot sauces and stick with seasoning to bring the heat because I don't want the chili to get too soupy. If you do chop up some hot peppers, I recommend doing it finely and while wearing gloves or something. The juice from the pepper can irritate your skin and if you wipe your eyes or adjust any sensitive areas it can be pretty annoying, if not painful.

                                                                                                                            Anything else you'd like to know, just ask!

                                                                                                                            EDIT: if anyone has comments or criticisms, please share! I'd love to try out new recipes or techniques.

                                                                                                                            [–][deleted] 106 points107 points ago

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                                                                                                                            Dude. Browning the onions by frying is essential for the flavour (and I mean browning them). Total game changer if you do it right. Throwing pre-toased cumin seed in with the onions as you fry them will also make things taste one million times better.

                                                                                                                            [–]earlymorninghouse 39 points40 points ago*

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                                                                                                                            This is true, but for god sakes, don't brown your meat then wash your pan. You gotta cook those veg in the same grease

                                                                                                                            edit: spelling, grammar, all that good stuff.

                                                                                                                            [–][deleted] 13 points14 points ago

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                                                                                                                            Goes without saying, frankly.

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                                                                                                                                [–]twobrain 48 points49 points ago

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                                                                                                                                sauteing and boiling/simmering are different cooking methods

                                                                                                                                youll create different flavor compounds by sauteing the vegetables first

                                                                                                                                http://www.amazingribs.com/tips_and_technique/thermodynamics_of_cooking.html

                                                                                                                                [–]ThePiousInfant 49 points50 points ago

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                                                                                                                                MAILLARD REACTION SAYS HI

                                                                                                                                [–]trumtrumtrum 16 points17 points ago

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                                                                                                                                If you really want to make it special, skip the ground beef. Cube some real beef. You can go with just about any cut (or just buy some stew meat) - a round or chuck roast or beef shoulder. Anything. Cube it, flour it, brown it, and then let it cook in the chili.

                                                                                                                                You'll never use ground again.

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                                                                                                                                    [–]tenhotuisku 44 points45 points ago*

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                                                                                                                                    Garlic Powder? ಠ_ಠ

                                                                                                                                    Tastes like shit, buy some real garlic for god's sake

                                                                                                                                    [–]p8ball4life 26 points27 points ago

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                                                                                                                                    GUY SOME!

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                                                                                                                                        [–]jpease 82 points83 points ago

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                                                                                                                                        I'm tired of all the aggressive language that's so prevalent these days.

                                                                                                                                        [–]JoseFernandes 49 points50 points ago

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                                                                                                                                        I thought I was alone. This kind of shit is really, really fucking annoying.

                                                                                                                                        [–]bw1870 25 points26 points ago

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                                                                                                                                        See those aggressive words? You take those fuckers and use them in a god-damn sentence! That's what the fuck you do. Then you speak that shit, like a fucking Boss.

                                                                                                                                        [–]aldld 20 points21 points ago

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                                                                                                                                        It's become one of my least favourite clichés. It's down there with the similar "How to do things like a real man" shit.

                                                                                                                                        [–]Asystole 9 points10 points ago

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                                                                                                                                        YEAH YOU MADE A MOTHERFUCKING COMMENT LIKE A BOSS, TAKE THAT BITCH.

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                                                                                                                                          [–]Bhuggy 22 points23 points ago

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                                                                                                                                          I was positive this was done by Sure I'll Draw That.

                                                                                                                                          [–]johnthomas911 35 points36 points ago

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                                                                                                                                          I was expecting this to be easy, based on the 2am part of the title. Definitely not what I'm making at 2 am. My 2am meal usually consists of raw ramen noodles with a fine sprinkling of ramen flavor powder.

                                                                                                                                          [–]momocallaghan 9 points10 points ago

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                                                                                                                                          Okay, I have one question...Why are you using a railway gun?

                                                                                                                                          [–]calivessel 358 points359 points ago

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                                                                                                                                          I read that in the Epic Meal guy's voice

                                                                                                                                          [–]Th4t9uy 42 points43 points ago

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                                                                                                                                          I read it in Swenglish!

                                                                                                                                          [–]MYAHHH 17 points18 points ago

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                                                                                                                                          SWEDISH STYLEEE-UHH

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                                                                                                                                            [–]fryzoid 76 points77 points ago

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                                                                                                                                            He's a sauce boss. I never knew those two words rhymed until he came round.

                                                                                                                                            [–]TheDudeAmI 54 points55 points ago

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                                                                                                                                            *Bause

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                                                                                                                                                [–][deleted] ago

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                                                                                                                                                [deleted]

                                                                                                                                                [–]BuzzBadpants 97 points98 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                I feel like the target of some "in your face" advertising campaign.

                                                                                                                                                [–]enhance_that 70 points71 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                MAKE some MOTHAFUCKIN chili like a MANLY BOSS!!!

                                                                                                                                                [–]3hirty6ix 8 points9 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                Better than "Le me herping chili liek a bau5"

                                                                                                                                                [–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                DON'T BE BETA, BRO.

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                                                                                                                                                    [–]cephas_rock 56 points57 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                    I mindgroaned throughout, but irlgroaned at "like a boss."

                                                                                                                                                    [–]apriloneil 27 points28 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                    At least it wasn't a rage comic.

                                                                                                                                                    [–]whatswrongwithchuck 9 points10 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                    That video came out April 4th 2009. Two fucking years ago. TWO YEARS.

                                                                                                                                                    [–]baumkramer 9 points10 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                    What are you talking about? This picture is as awesome as a bear high fiving a shark in space.

                                                                                                                                                    HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH

                                                                                                                                                    [–]Appleanche 22 points23 points ago*

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                                                                                                                                                    Thank god, figured I was the only one getting tired of these style posts.

                                                                                                                                                    So much of the comments and content here remind me of Youtube...

                                                                                                                                                    [–]generaltsao 19 points20 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                    I am hoping this chili recipe wasn't meant to be funny or clever in any way. Silly hope.

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                                                                                                                                                      [–]eddhall 116 points117 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                      A POUND IS NOT A UNIT OF PRESSURE!

                                                                                                                                                      Sincerely, -an angry physicist

                                                                                                                                                      [–]SValient 74 points75 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                      Pretty sure it's a firefly quote. When Inara is showing Mal how to fight with swords.

                                                                                                                                                      INARA

                                                                                                                                                      It's also slower, Mal. You don't

                                                                                                                                                      need strength as much as speed.

                                                                                                                                                      We're fragile creatures. It takes

                                                                                                                                                      less than a pound of pressure to cut

                                                                                                                                                      skin.

                                                                                                                                                      source

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                                                                                                                                                        [–]wrongsideofthewire 20 points21 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                        Who the fuck cleans out the pan and then uses coconut oil to saute the veggies?! Poor out the excess fat but leave the residual alone, maybe add a little olive oil to it... or clarified butter! Sautee the veggies in that shit, then deglaze that fucking pan and pour that shit in the pot.

                                                                                                                                                        [–]hellfish11 28 points29 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                        Its all great --- except green beans and corn - wtf?

                                                                                                                                                        [–]1137 6 points7 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                        The corn is simply a tracer; it lets you see when that meal passes.

                                                                                                                                                        But the green beans, fuck that!

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                                                                                                                                                          [–]notme_someoneelse 56 points57 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                          You lost me at the crackers.

                                                                                                                                                          [–]TheOnlyKarsh 19 points20 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                          Greenbeans & corn????

                                                                                                                                                          Karsh

                                                                                                                                                          [–]DarkSpoon 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                          yeah, green beans and corn are great in this beef soup mixture he made.

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                                                                                                                                                            [–]Cptn_Janeway 41 points42 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                            I am not a big fan of corn in chili.

                                                                                                                                                            [–]Rhinovirus 22 points23 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                            I like corn in my chili, but green beans? Nope.

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                                                                                                                                                              [–]rube 8 points9 points ago*

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                                                                                                                                                              "PSP as a music player" is the new "PS1 as a CD player".

                                                                                                                                                              Ghetto fabulous.

                                                                                                                                                              [–]eastlondonmandem 74 points75 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                              So you suggest that people throw away the pre-packaged stuff yet every single one of your ingredients is basically the same shit? Only separated out.

                                                                                                                                                              And then you throw in crackers and some bullshit processed cheese?

                                                                                                                                                              At least there was a fresh pepper in there. That's it and it's not enough to save the entire recipe.

                                                                                                                                                              [–][deleted] 33 points34 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                              Damn straight. But where's your fresh chilli, man? FRESH CHILLI MOTHERFUCKER!

                                                                                                                                                              Chilli powder's well and good, but nothing beats a spicy hot blast of real chilli all up in your nasal cavity.

                                                                                                                                                              Could just be that I'm addicted to capsaicin though

                                                                                                                                                              [–]welmoe 11 points12 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                              It's almost 4am and I'm starving now.

                                                                                                                                                              [–]DFWPhotoguy 5 points6 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                              Sorry boss, but no way in hell that shit would pass the spoon test.

                                                                                                                                                              If you can't take a spoon and set it in the middle of your bowl and it stay upright then it just ain't chili.

                                                                                                                                                              As others have said, you want real chili, it takes time for it to render down all the meat and juices from the various things you throw in there. Time = Mas Flavors.

                                                                                                                                                              [–]vixyy 3 points4 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                              WHY IS NO ONE ADDING BACON?

                                                                                                                                                              [–]revrigel 10 points11 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                              Chili does not contain beans and corn. I like coconut oil too, but the correct fat to use is bacon grease.

                                                                                                                                                              [–]redsnappa 50 points51 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                              I love the text/illustrations. Far too many posts in r/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuud just throw text together without thinking.

                                                                                                                                                              Also, i'm going to make some chili now.

                                                                                                                                                              [–]gbgftw 25 points26 points ago*

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                                                                                                                                                              A++ for the effort.

                                                                                                                                                              But seriously, this chili. This fucker is amazing.

                                                                                                                                                              Edit: Tolberts "north Texas red" for those familiar with it.

                                                                                                                                                              [–]lundah 34 points35 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                              Serving Size : 50

                                                                                                                                                              I'll keep that in mind next time I need to feed a football team.

                                                                                                                                                              [–]fishy_smooches 19 points20 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                              30 pounds of beef. Wtf. I can't even fathom how that would be possible to cook, you would need a fuckin' cauldron.

                                                                                                                                                              [–]Ninjakitty07 10 points11 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                              ...What else would you cook in?

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                                                                                                                                                                  [–]tinwhistler 34 points35 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                                  Seriously, I'm from Texas, and that is indeed chili, gbgftw. Plenty of cumin, and plenty of chili powder. Good amount of hot peppers. Masa to thicken it up. No beans. No big floating vegetables. Definitely no bell peppers. Basil? Seriously?

                                                                                                                                                                  While I appreciate the quirky format of the OP's recipe, it's "meat soup"..it's not chili. ;)

                                                                                                                                                                  [–]gbgftw 3 points4 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                                  Agreed. After trying a real chili i never went back to beans or veggies.

                                                                                                                                                                  Tolbert was really serious about his chili..

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                                                                                                                                                                    [–]DarkSpoon 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                                    Thank god someone posted a real chili recipe. I could not believe all the beans and damn vegetables I've seen thrown around in this thread.

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                                                                                                                                                                      [–]Se7en_Sinner 10 points11 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                                      Read post and got inspired...but ended up eating ramen noodles. Story of my life.

                                                                                                                                                                      [–]nobiscuitsinthesnow 11 points12 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                                      scrunches up face suspiciously

                                                                                                                                                                      Are you Sure_Ill_Draw_That?

                                                                                                                                                                      [–]brokenpipe 2 points3 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                                      It's a good start but it is missing a few things. Real peppers, A mix of ground meat and (yes AND) top sirloin , table spoon of Cocoa powder (no joke...), The beer has to be of a dark variety as well (umm no pilsner -- ever), Cup of strong coffee (again... trust me on this).

                                                                                                                                                                      God damn I'm hungry now!

                                                                                                                                                                      [–]thepensivepoet 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                                      I'd just like to say that there's nothing wrong with reasonably fresh garlic powder. It certainly isn't a suitable replacement for fresh garlic cloves but it can be quite useful in other applications.

                                                                                                                                                                      [–]lordtaco 4 points5 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                                      This should be 3pm chili. 2 am is a chopped up frozen pre cooked hamburger, some water and a packet of that chili seasoning crap.

                                                                                                                                                                      [–]sexoffender_in_nyc 3 points4 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                                      You forgot to add in the secret ingredient that separates 2AM chili from regular chili: ashes from a joint

                                                                                                                                                                      [–]ichorNet 3 points4 points ago

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                                                                                                                                                                      TIL Reddit commenters take chili making extremely seriously.

                                                                                                                                                                      load more comments (1334 replies)

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