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top 200 commentsshow all 338

[–]padreick 484 points485 points ago*

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COLLEGEHUMOR.COM - Just in case anyone thought this was real. I'll try to find the original...

[edit] here it is

[–]DJBAHLER 51 points52 points ago

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I knew it wasn't original. I've heard this Blink 182 song before.

[–]Megabalistik 3 points4 points ago

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Didn't they play it in Free Willy 3?

[–]umbrae 212 points213 points ago

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You just ruined this for me.

[–]GargamelCuntSnarf 265 points266 points ago

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It really was painfully obvious.

[–]Annieone23 19 points20 points ago

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More than painful even. What kid knows how to properly nest punctuation within quotations? Most adults I know can barely spell, let alone quote properly. Obviously the work of a college student.

[–]GargamelCuntSnarf 7 points8 points ago

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It's just too well constructed of conveniently archetypal pop culture references. The punctuation was a tip-off, but both my parents were English majors and I like to suspend disbelief while on the internet; I would have been able to write better than that when I was ...however old we're meant to think this kid is.

[–]nickpl34 117 points118 points ago

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HEY EVERYONE THIS GUY IS SMART.

[–]notDBcooper 64 points65 points ago

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GET HIM!

[–]JayBayBayy 12 points13 points ago

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DBCooper is a level 85 warlock on Dalaran.

[–]dogpants 4 points5 points ago

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Thanks.

[–]DNDemployee 6 points7 points ago

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I wish I had that much talent when I was a kid..

[–]ipostshittylimericks 9 points10 points ago

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There once was a man who was sad

because the first post had made him felt had

and his misery was coupled

with a crippled and scuttled

awareness that the shitty repost that we've all seen a million times wasn't as heroically hilarious as he had initially thought which is a bit sad if you think about it even though reposting is ultimately fucking boring.

[–]lilmoe1921 1 point2 points ago

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Redditor for only over two hours, 15 posts, all freaking amazing, I tip my hat to you sir, have an upvote!

[–]Frrench 1 point2 points ago

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Well I am drunk so not so much, mister

[–]sketchyG 1 point2 points ago

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Re-read using the voice of Jeremy from pure pwnage. You will not disappoint.

[–]tetrishg 22 points23 points ago

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The biggest tell: perfect grammar.

[–]danxmason 6 points7 points ago

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Terrible hand-writing with perfect spelling and grammar automatically means doctor or troll. Or even worse... doctor troll.

[–]marcAnthem 8 points9 points ago

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he went to private school

[–]GargamelCuntSnarf 5 points6 points ago

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Or, you know, paid attention in school.

[–]perfektstranger 1 point2 points ago

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What?

[–]babiesloveboobies 1 point2 points ago

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Part of me knew it wasn't real, but I still wanted to believe. "Don't click the comments!" said a little voice in my head. "Someone's going to point out that it's not real!"

I clicked anyway. :'-(

[–]johnnybluejeans 10 points11 points ago

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Just in case anyone is an idiot.

FTFY

[–]YoungAndAimless 0 points1 point ago

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Damn it! I wanted to believe this so much lol

[–]buschleague55 250 points251 points ago

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The story reached a whole new level of epic once we find out the casino level is involved.

[–]meftw111 30 points31 points ago

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It was the switchblade comb that did it for me

[–]UbiquitousOddity 16 points17 points ago

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[–]Bobsutan 12 points13 points ago

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I was already loling, but lost it at "it feels like jelly".

[–]War_Eagle 8 points9 points ago

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There it is in case you wanted to hear it

I could make out to that for hours.

[–]Northumberlo 4 points5 points ago

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I never realized how awesome this song would be in a porno.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Skibum04 4 points5 points ago

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And going for rings and points was so fun... untill you lost them all on slots. Anyone remember the secret close to the begining where you had to get up really high and then you would slowly fall through these things that held you in place and gave you a bunch of points, there were like 5 of them in a row.

[–]manbrasucks 4 points5 points ago

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Wouldn't work. Time would run out and you'd die. Then you would eventually run out of lives and it would go to title screen. Unless the puase button didn't have its own pause music or didn't stop the song. I'm pretty sure it did though.

[–]Vehk 8 points9 points ago

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just need 18 lives is all.

[–]Beifong 1 point2 points ago

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And being in the casino level, you could easily rack up enough points to get 18 lives.

[–]MarioKartPrime 4 points5 points ago

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Just use a cheat code to get into the sound test.

[–]hes_dead_tired 2 points3 points ago

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I think I got gambling out of my system at a very young age because of that level.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]chad_flaxington 2 points3 points ago

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You know, some people out there have been grammar Nazis since childhood.

But then again, they don't write stories like that.

[–]ThatsLogical 20 points21 points ago

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All that means is he's a reddit user

[–]Letsgetitkraken 31 points32 points ago

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Hardly.

[–]SargeZT 40 points41 points ago

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Your dumb.

[–]chad_flaxington 28 points29 points ago

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What about my dumb?

[–]lasergumball 3 points4 points ago

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GIVE IT HERE!

[–]Letsgetitkraken 5 points6 points ago

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And you're a moran. Don't spend all my upvotes in one place.

[–]theundercat 1 point2 points ago

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FIND HIM!

[–]CacophonyForever 1 point2 points ago

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a 23 year old virgin who still obsesses over video games.... Makes sense.

[–]d_zed 8 points9 points ago

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He's not a virgin. He felt her boob, remember?

[–]GiantSquidd 2 points3 points ago

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And it was like jelly, not sand. Checkmate.

[–]youaretall 46 points47 points ago

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[–]mindofakid 18 points19 points ago

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[–]oOPScAPSLOCK 25 points26 points ago

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tHAT'S NOTHING. tHE DAY i SEE GIF'S WITH SOUND IS WHEN i KNOW WE ARE IN THE FUTURE.

[–]mindofakid 4 points5 points ago

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As much as I hate novelty accounts, I must agree with you...

[–]LethargicMonkey 1 point2 points ago

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You're silly. Let's get coffee and talk about our feelings.

[–]daliminator 49 points50 points ago

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Pffft fake as hell. A girl's breast doesn't feel like jelly. It feels like... a bag of sand.

[–]Yodamanjaro 7 points8 points ago

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Or a water balloon.

[–]yodamann 11 points12 points ago

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Sees username

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Yodamanjaro 15 points16 points ago

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Dude, where have you been? I've been waiting for you.

[–]randomsnark 4 points5 points ago

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u jelly?

[–]Hime_Takamura 22 points23 points ago

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It felt like Jelly. awww yeeeah.

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points ago*

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Second base? Now I'm jelly.

[–]Yodamanjaro 4 points5 points ago

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1.21jw, let's sit down and have a chat.

gestures to a seat for you to sit at

[–]jigawut 10 points11 points ago

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slowly starts masturbating

[–]VivecTheDead 7 points8 points ago

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I always thought it felt like a bag of sand.

[–]Hime_Takamura 1 point2 points ago

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up vote for the movie reference and for being a character from the best game ever made.

[–]RoseforMVP 8 points9 points ago

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Repost.

[–]mr_benson 7 points8 points ago

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Yeah, I saw this on reddit already. Is there a subreddit for reposts where you don't get Karma but you feel the original post deserves to see the light of day once again? That way other redditors don't give you a hard time for being a karma whore.

[–]HeatherMarMal 2 points3 points ago

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[–]Vortilex 1 point2 points ago

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call it /r/reposts

[–]fullyoperational 27 points28 points ago

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Breast story ever

[–]Kristybelle 10 points11 points ago

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Tit was pretty good

[–]Shuttlebuns 12 points13 points ago

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Nah, once I found out it was fake, it was a bust.

[–]Calbearsguy 8 points9 points ago

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I udderly enjoyed it

[–]Cast_Iron_Skillet 5 points6 points ago

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Come on! Really!? That joke?! You're better than that.

[–]Antrix32 8 points9 points ago

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-Philip J Fry

age 20

[–]d_zed 1 point2 points ago

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Pizza delivery boy man!

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

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Brian's got his priorities sorted already.

[–]timshel88 10 points11 points ago

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"It's time to go all the way. To second base"

[–]Drjanitorjd 6 points7 points ago

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Sometimes it's best to keep your goals realistic. A girl that hot, come on, you don't wanna blow it!

[–]Retarded_Batman 3 points4 points ago

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IM BATMANNNN

[–]exs10s 2 points3 points ago

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LOST IT at tongue kissing for three hours

[–]BernandoSoares 2 points3 points ago

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move over James Joyce

[–]quiky 17 points18 points ago

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So we make out ,,with tongue s. This kid is THE mac.

[–]nixonrichard 16 points17 points ago

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Also, this kid is likely a 30 year-old King of the Hill fan.

[–]ManEggs 3 points4 points ago

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And what's wrong with that?

[–]paperhat 5 points6 points ago

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That was a pretty good show.

[–]nixonrichard 5 points6 points ago

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Pretty good? It was a fucking masterpiece.

[–]paperhat 4 points5 points ago

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You want to see a fucking masterpiece? My use of understatement is a fucking masterpiece. At least it was until you blew it for me. Understatement has to stand on its own. It doesn't need some actress murdering, vietnam invading, bay of pigs abandoning, ex president trying to one-up it.

[–]mrbriancomputer 13 points14 points ago

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My name is Brian and I did not write this...but I know it's about me. Brians REPORT IN.

[–]DaRiste 5 points6 points ago

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Sup

[–]TheFrigginArchitect[!] 4 points5 points ago

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Bryans KEEP OUT!

[–]brian9000 1 point2 points ago

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Sup? combs hair back with switch blade comb

[–]mrbriancomputer 1 point2 points ago

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OH MY GOD ITS HIM. Ergm. I mean. What was touching her boobies like?

[–]starrie[S] 5 points6 points ago

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do you own a switchblade comb?

[–]mrbriancomputer 16 points17 points ago

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Well no, and I don't have a mohawk... can't skateboard... look just trust me on this one.

[–]bardfaust 10 points11 points ago

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Do you drink Mountain Dew?

[–]avengepluto 16 points17 points ago

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Agh, give me crab juice.

[–]Cheetah-Cheetos 1 point2 points ago

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Hey buddy you got a bathroom in there?

[–]mrbriancomputer 3 points4 points ago

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Down the hall past the shrine of Brian, and the meeting hall. (That's where we Brianstorm)

[–]CaptainFUN 1 point2 points ago

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I know I do.

[–]romieyo 4 points5 points ago

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I made comics like this when I was little and hid them from everybody. I was so scared somebody would find them so after a while that I threw them away. I think it went like "I was having sex with a girl and I put my penis inside of her and we yell fuck fuck fuck, bitch, ass, dick, penis, weiner and then my mom knocked on the door and I was like mom fucking stop bitch I'm fucking a girl in here you fucking bitch. " And it was a very long comic. I think I had a boner the whole time I made it. I felt so naughty after.

[–]dudetude 2 points3 points ago

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Glad to hear I wasn't the only one who did this. I always included incredibly graphic drawings, you know, incase my literal descriptions were not enough. I still feel the shame to this day.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Is this written by Mac from Always Sunny?

[–]rage_quit6677 1 point2 points ago

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That is, indeed, a cool story, bro.

[–]sugi01 1 point2 points ago

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i really dont care if this is real or not. hilarious.

[–]WinterInJapan 1 point2 points ago

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"It felt like jelly."

Wise child.

[–]ZelgadisA027123 1 point2 points ago

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Yeah, I did something similar when I was a kid. I didn't even know what sex WAS, but I knew I wanted it. Didn't start masturbating until many many years afterwards =P

Sad to say, but this kid can draw boobs way better than I ever could. I don't know what I was thinking. Looked fucking awful.

[–]whoaitsbrian 1 point2 points ago

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I did not write this, but it seems like something I would do.

[–]romieyo 1 point2 points ago

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I made comics like this when I was little and hid them from everybody. I was so scared somebody would find them so after a while that I threw them away. I think it went like "I was having sex with a girl and I put my penis inside of her and we yell fuck fuck fuck, bitch, ass, dick, penis, weiner and then my mom knocked on the door and I was like mom fucking stop bitch I'm fucking a girl in here you fucking bitch. " And it was a very long comic. I think I had a boner the whole time I made it. I felt so naughty after.

[–]combat_ninja 1 point2 points ago

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I am not even kidding when i say this inspired me to start writing again.

[–]usingpond 1 point2 points ago

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"switchblade comb" is when I realized it was 100% fake.

[–]albino_wino 1 point2 points ago

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This is reminiscent of the Robert Hamburger "Real Ultimate Power" ninja scripts c. 2002.

/internet historian

[–]utsavman 1 point2 points ago

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he's standing on their boobs, lol wut ?

[–]Goldenrule-er 1 point2 points ago

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front page? really? common reddit.

[–]fuzzhed4u 1 point2 points ago

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sand bags

[–]bangthemermaid 1 point2 points ago

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notbad.jpg

[–]soulska 1 point2 points ago

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hell yeah!

[–]FightingAmish 1 point2 points ago

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Obviously fake. They feel like a bag of sand.

[–]dboti[!] 1 point2 points ago

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This reminds me of 3rd grade. Two of my friends and I drew pictures of naked girls with huge boobs and crash bandicoot hanging out with them. I remember we had a word bubble that said "hubba hubba." My teacher was not happy but she never told my parents.

[–]tmkenney3 1 point2 points ago

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"it feels like jelly." <-- best line in the whole story. They do, they really do.

[–]PedroDelCaso 5 points6 points ago

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The first was page enough. "I come"

[–]that_hz 2 points3 points ago

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Written by Brian, Age 22.

[–]tsaw 3 points4 points ago

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bitches love the casino level.

[–]FuzzyMcBitty 0 points1 point ago

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I ain't sayin' she a gold digga...

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]TenPie 1 point2 points ago

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I liked the part when you took pictures from Collegehumor and posted it as your own.

[–]ixampl 9 points10 points ago

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OP never said it's their own. Most submissions on Reddit are not original content.

[–]killahcortes 0 points1 point ago

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agreed, how old was the author?

[–]imasupervillain 0 points1 point ago

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This has nothing on Bio-Apocalypse

[–]willemhelmet 0 points1 point ago

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Does this count as having sex?

[–]el_poderoso 0 points1 point ago

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Jack Kerouac's daughter?

[–]Zsamot 0 points1 point ago

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i came into this thinking: Challenge Accepted! but came out with my ass kicked as soon as we both started hearing the casino song at the same time...

[–]Zsamot 0 points1 point ago

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i came into this thinking: Challenge Accepted! but came out with my ass kicked as soon as we both started hearing the casino song at the same time...

[–]hired_goon 0 points1 point ago

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you had me at "a girl with huge boobs is playing video games", but go on...

[–]SuperFightingRobot 0 points1 point ago

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I've always wanted to score while the casino music was in the background. I heard it in my head while reading that the whole time.

[–]Tripleshadow 0 points1 point ago

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I wish I could pull a sweet ollie over my couch...

[–]m0se5 0 points1 point ago

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What? I thought they felt like sand bags.

[–]alahos 0 points1 point ago

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Best story ever bro

[–]GoodNewsNobody 0 points1 point ago

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Written by Phillip J. Fry - age 22

[–]sonofsandman 0 points1 point ago

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I was playing Sonic Classic Collection right before reading this....

[–]mjwassmer 0 points1 point ago

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I'm 23 and I think experiencing this would just be tops.

[–]DistinctQuantic 0 points1 point ago

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I have one problem with this story. The Casino level was awful, but the music was superb.

[–]MananWho 0 points1 point ago

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At no point while reading this was I able to come up with a guess at how old this guy is.

[–]PranicEther 0 points1 point ago

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[–]joftheinternet 0 points1 point ago

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I love you.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Yea, Casino Level was my favorite also.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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....Damn, this kid needs some V. C. Andrews XD

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Dear Hollywood, make this a movie please.

[–]Planet-man 0 points1 point ago

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Need more!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Well??? Then what happened?!?!?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Where's the rest of the story?

[–]lobsterknuckles 0 points1 point ago

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Anyone else scroll to the bottom to see if it contained the words "Yo home to Bel Air!" ?

[–]Pulse99 0 points1 point ago

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I feel like I just read my immortal again...

[–]asmosdeus 0 points1 point ago

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The next J.R.R Tolkien.

[–]billybantha 0 points1 point ago

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...and????

[–]evergreenoldboy 0 points1 point ago

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[–]lovethedarkness 0 points1 point ago

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omg it feels like JELLY XDD

[–]nkplague 0 points1 point ago

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lulz at the "mom don't read" on the cover

[–]cleofis 0 points1 point ago

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this story is fake? i'm still upvoting that SHTUFF MAN

[–]Redcard911 0 points1 point ago

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This kid's parents need to have a talk with him. 1) He should be wary of the "L" word from strange women. 2) The casino level is too difficult to be doing while making out. Does he realize how difficult that pinball scene can be and how many points he can get if he does it right? Geez...

[–]HeyKidsItsMrEmo 0 points1 point ago

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I'm surprised that no one mentioned this, but reading that story reminded me of The Poop That Took A Pee, by Leopold "Butters" Stotch.

[–]Tylana 0 points1 point ago

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Sounds like my first date with my boyfriend.

[–]JacobBarrett 0 points1 point ago

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Sounds like an excerpt from the step brothers script.

[–]Dannythedino 0 points1 point ago

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This would be a sweet commercial

[–]VL3500 0 points1 point ago

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U Jelly?

[–]Sly6 0 points1 point ago

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Like...bags of Jelly.

[–]andre_hetu 0 points1 point ago

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I am upvoting because this falls into the '' most accurate title'' category !

[–]Layze 0 points1 point ago

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Hollywood make a movie about this!

[–]jomile1 0 points1 point ago

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LIKE JELLY! FTW

[–]nunyabiz69 0 points1 point ago

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I think I'm fuckin' jelly

[–]ipodaholicdan 0 points1 point ago

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Damn you for making me horny. The last line destroyed me.

[–]danomano65 0 points1 point ago

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Fuck yes.

[–]Follow_Follow 0 points1 point ago

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I was about to close the tab until I got to fifth word, at which my point you got my attention. Well played.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I swear on my mother's grave I will reenact this whole thing one day.

[–]Novelty101 0 points1 point ago

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Fucking Repost

[–]alcoholicdream 0 points1 point ago

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tl;dr

[–]carebeartears 0 points1 point ago

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well..they do..but it's warm jelly

[–]Andriaminaj 0 points1 point ago

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The guy who wrote this is like 32. MOM DONT READ, he doesn't want his mother to realize hes more than a loser

[–]Stratocaster89 0 points1 point ago

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tl;dr

[–]lobsterGun 0 points1 point ago

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This TOTALLY needs to be a movie.

[–]jbibby 0 points1 point ago

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You know, when you, like, you grab a woman's breast and it's... and you feel it and... it feels like a bag of sand when you're touching it.

[–]s1am 0 points1 point ago

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...it feels like jelly

[–]somethingeasier 0 points1 point ago

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Awesome, funny story, and done from a persepective of a child. People can learn something from this, at no point in time did he try to bullshit you that it's from a kid, clearly laid down as a joke and no one needs to attempt to disprove it. Cheers.

[–]somethingeasier 0 points1 point ago

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Awesome, funny story, and done from a persepective of a child. People can learn something from this, at no point in time did he try to bullshit you that it's from a kid, clearly laid down as a joke and no one needs to attempt to disprove it. Cheers.

[–]JazzlasterBoris 0 points1 point ago

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Typical DeviantArt user.

[–]grimatongueworm 0 points1 point ago

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It's always better with tongue s. Tongue q, not so good, but tongue s...yeah boy!

[–]downeym01 0 points1 point ago

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That's so WIERD! I just had the same dream last night!

[–]western_style_hj 0 points1 point ago

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The proper grammar and comma placement totally gave this away as FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE.

Also, upvote for boobs.

[–]enjoyyoself 0 points1 point ago

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"Have you ever actually felt a boob before?"

[–]TheKeiron 1 point2 points ago

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"It felt like a bag of sand..."

[–]rushaz 0 points1 point ago

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I sincerely hope that my kid will be like this :)

[–]31stan 0 points1 point ago

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It feels like, a bag of flour.

[–]whodat70053 0 points1 point ago

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Epic.

[–]jles 0 points1 point ago

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That was awesome

[–]_karnage 0 points1 point ago

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Wow. Story of my life. Casino level was my favourite!

[–]judithpriest 0 points1 point ago

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whatthefuck

[–]360walkaway 0 points1 point ago

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As if the perfect spelling and grammar wasn't a big enough sign...

[–]Mario_love 0 points1 point ago

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Feels jelly, man

[–]RipYouANewOne 0 points1 point ago

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And that's how I met your mother.