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all 80 comments

[–]hezzer 21 points22 points ago

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Hmm, I'm a woman, so I may not fully understand the testicular mechanics involved, but would it work to spritz/dunk his balls in cold water instead of sawing the chair in half?

[–]vinfx 33 points34 points ago

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Balls don't spontaneously grow or shrink. Something's fishy about this story. Either, he was doing some kind of strange masturbation or when he sat down the slats of the chairs bent apart and when he tried to get up they bend back closing the gap. (Like a chinese finger trap.)

[–]juss_dude 15 points16 points ago

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(Like a chinese scrotum trap.) FTFY

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points ago

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This man is right - the balls themselves don't shrink (how?) but the scrotum shrinks (the skin-part at least), drawing the balls closer to the body.

[–]peterrawr 2 points3 points ago

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The cremasteric muscle is responsible for temperature regulation. If he were cold his balls would not shrink, they would get closer to his body. In this nutt-saconfiguration, I don't see how they would make it through the slats.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Testicle#Cremasteric_muscle

[–]InfamyDeferred 1 point2 points ago

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Perhaps the weight of his body pushed the slats further apart?

[–]Amplitude 12 points13 points ago

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Would you rather replace a chair, or fondle some stifled gonads?

[–]hezzer 7 points8 points ago

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Super-soaker?

[–]juss_dude 7 points8 points ago

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That would probably hurt

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

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"dude we don't want to cut the chair so here is a bucket full of ice that we will put your nads in and hope they shrink. best of luck we have ear plugs so we will not hear your agonized screams"

[–]AJM69 0 points1 point ago

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Spray-bottle?

[–]mulvaswish 1 point2 points ago

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that's what i thought. at least try that before you bring a saw anywhere near...oh god i cut your balls off, now that's embarassing!

[–]HFGoliath 0 points1 point ago

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Damn they cut off my balls now I can't show my face around work w/o being made fun of. Also ow my fucking balls.

[–]_MBW 0 points1 point ago

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I think you should replace the word "mechanics" with "pain". Then your question answers itself.

[–]brock_lee 18 points19 points ago

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[–]graffiti81 5 points6 points ago

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Ah, Fark. It was cool until I discovered reddit, at which point I was like "How the hell did I stay on this little back water site for so long?"

That was a great thread, though.

[–]BeatDigger 1 point2 points ago

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This.

/Slashies!

//Fark blows.

[–]graffiti81 0 points1 point ago

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When I first got here, I was like "Wait, everyone sees all the links!? What kind of black magic is this?"

And Fark doesn't suck, it's the people on Fark that suck.

[–]Skid_Markie 4 points5 points ago

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My brain went back to my Fark days immediately when I saw the submission.

[–]TassieTiger 0 points1 point ago

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Honestly the funnest time I've ever spent in a discussion thread.

[–]SlagginOff 0 points1 point ago

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I think the headlines are funnier on fark, but that's because you're supposed to try to submit something with a witty headline (not that ALL are funny, or even close to funny).

Still good for a chuckle, and some of the threads are pretty hilarious, despite the reddit superiority complex.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]seedlesssoul 14 points15 points ago

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There's dozens of us! DOZENS!

[–]mobbade 7 points8 points ago

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I didn't see you at the convention!?!

[–]seedlesssoul 2 points3 points ago

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I'm sorry it's not recognized here in the States. But I know for a fact that there are two members of German parliament that are called "Nie-nude"! But they're German, so … they speak German, so they have a different –

[–]mobbade 1 point2 points ago

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Just to clarify, we are talking about Tobias fünke, right?

[–]seedlesssoul 0 points1 point ago

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I don't know... are we?

[–]MooBaloo 7 points8 points ago

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Angelfire? What is this, 2001?

[–]seedlesssoul 0 points1 point ago

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Hey man, some people just like living in the days where life was simple. Don't hate me for looking at Arrested Development scripts on anglefire!

[–]mobbade 0 points1 point ago

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[–]Manonwire 1 point2 points ago

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I think the real question is where was he keeping his mobile phone?

[–]kilgore_trout89 2 points3 points ago

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It puts the lotion on its sack, then pulls its balls out of the crack

[–]ispeakspam 2 points3 points ago

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Something about this story doesn't sit right.

[–]whatahorribleman 2 points3 points ago

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I doubt this is true. Cold water shrinks the sac, not the testicles. They still wouldn't fit through the gap.

[–]Gotenks0906 2 points3 points ago

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I'm Croatian, and I can confirm that this is a common occurrence here.

[–]roflcoptor69 9 points10 points ago

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I'm also Croatian, and I can confirm our testicles have a very high coefficient of thermal expansion.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Siellus -1 points0 points ago*

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I am also Croatian, I can confirm that I do in fact, have two testicles.

[–]sachit6 -1 points0 points ago

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I am also Croatian, I can confirm too.

[–]spherexenon -1 points0 points ago

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I am also Croatian, I can affirm your confirmations

[–][deleted] ago*

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[deleted]

[–]ccxvi 0 points1 point ago

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Translation: I'm a Serb and I downvote all croissants.

[–]JulesVerneFJ 0 points1 point ago

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Dont worry i am a fellow bosnian who gave you all a good old upvote :)

[–]moootPoint 1 point2 points ago

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Luckily I'll never have that problem :/

[–]naht_yow_chiizuh 1 point2 points ago

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so many questions as to how this is even possible.

[–]poptart2nd 1 point2 points ago

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i feel like this is fake. can anyone find anything from snopes? i tried to plug in a few keywords and couldn't find anything.

[–]enlightenedfarmboy 1 point2 points ago

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They..... they CUT IT IN HALF.

I just can't get the picture of the entire chair being cut right down the middle, like something you'd see on Looney Tunes. Surely that isn't what happened?

[–]rydain 1 point2 points ago

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Ah, yes. The "ballsack conundrum."

Relevant

[–]hydrogen_wv 1 point2 points ago

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WTF... Maybe I'm abnormal, but my balls shrink up and my sac becomes "firmer" when cold. It seems like it'd be easier to wrangle my warm, hang-saggin' nutsack out of beach chair slats than if it was cold.

[–]Retanaru 0 points1 point ago

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This is the truth. Your balls do not shrink when cold, your sack does. The man likely bent the slats farther apart with his weight and when he stood up they went back together on the other side of his balls. Ouch.

[–]anythingover0 1 point2 points ago

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Damn biology, you scary.

[–]alexman17c 3 points4 points ago

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FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: funny

[–]Iwannarockrockrock 0 points1 point ago

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I'm so very scared. Help.

[–]dezmodium 0 points1 point ago

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[–]Jizzworthy 0 points1 point ago

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Astroglide was clearly the better solution...

[–]usualsuspects 0 points1 point ago

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I don't know if I'll ever recover from the second-hand embarrassment this caused.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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this guy has balls

[–]Aww_Shucks 0 points1 point ago

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Fucking shit... When I was reading this, I imagined him standing up quickly to get something and learning about the situation the hard way...

OW

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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pshh, yeahp...balls were too big for the chair...had to saw that bad boy in half...flex

but yeah, I cringed hard.

[–]YEAH_TOAST 0 points1 point ago

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the word "cut" was a bad choice of line ending. I cringed

[–]Trekkiegoat 0 points1 point ago

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Oh gosh! That poor man!! >_<

[–]stahlgrau 0 points1 point ago

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They cut the chair in half to remove something stuck in a slat? "The village had to be destroyed in order to save it."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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I cringed as I reading that...I remember one day wearing a pair of jeans just out of the wash so they had shrunk a little and jumped down from a fence. My sac was caught between my thighs and they squeezed the two together when I landed.

[–]leilavanora 0 points1 point ago

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I kept waiting for the part about beach balls...and then I got it.

[–]nkplague 0 points1 point ago

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I like the party where they use his full name

[–]LB1Aus 0 points1 point ago

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Why did the second last line have to end on "to cut", I winced before I read the rest...

[–]Mackem 0 points1 point ago

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I read a line, felt my balls climb up into my stomach then closed the window. Thanks, but no thanks.

[–]cofee 0 points1 point ago

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Why did he not just cool them back down again.

[–]Macmoo 0 points1 point ago

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The headline's a winner.

[–]sure_ill_rap_dat 0 points1 point ago

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10% shrinkage strikes again!

[–]_MBW 0 points1 point ago

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related... a buddy I knew in university was sitting on a couch when someone came over to sit down to.. being the nice guy he is he shuffled over a bit and in doing so somehow twisted one of his balls into some kind of pretzel knot and had to be rushed to hospital to get that shit fix. I had no idea it was even possible to do something like that let alone that you'd be in an emergency situation afterward... FYI I'm pretty sure his nuts still work, he was having a second kid when he told us this story

[–]LeonInDatAss 0 points1 point ago

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They should've just picked up the chair and threw him back in. Problem solved.

[–]yodamann 0 points1 point ago

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Drowning is an acceptable risk

[–]LeonInDatAss 0 points1 point ago

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Anything to save the chair. The last thing we need right now is a chair shortage.

[–]neuromonkey 0 points1 point ago

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This beats ripping a ball off. I know a guy who did that. It expanded to the size of a grapefruit.

[–]Mayday246 0 points1 point ago

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That's probably really embarrassing. I just got home from a vacation in Croatia, and there is really a lot of naked people. Mainly 45+...

[–]Vee_Vee 0 points1 point ago

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Easy, like this:

"My balls are so big, one time I was sitting in this deck chair..."

[–]rowbeartoe 0 points1 point ago

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Where was he keeping that phone?

[–]FreeBribes 0 points1 point ago

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Embarrassed? I'd be bragging to everyone I know that my balls are so huge that they grabbed hold of freaking furniture. Testicle boss.

[–]megami619 0 points1 point ago

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WHO'S GOT THE BIGGEST BALLS OF THEM ALL!

[–]Leftoversilo 0 points1 point ago

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They'd become schweaty balls

[–]egogz -1 points0 points ago

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Deckchair.

More like, Dickchair.

[–]nandosman -1 points0 points ago

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stop reposting this shit please...